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It had been four days. Four days and Ye Zun couldn’t get his mind off of it.
“Hnn. Xiao Wei, please, please. More Xiao Wei. Yes!”
He’d heard muffled sounds from the bedroom before and had always made himself scarce. He knew, theoretically, that sex was a pleasurable thing, but his mind had trouble believing it. To hear Zhao Yunlan beg, but beg for more instead of for Shen Wei to stop, was something Ye Zun could not wrap his mind around.
Still, Zhao Yunlan had sounded so wrecked, so out of it in a most delicious way, it made Ye Zun wonder. Could it really be that pleasurable? Was it possible?
He figured that the only way to truly know was by risking trying it. But did he want to? For days his mind had been whirring, hopes fighting memories into a never-ending ‘what if?’.
It occupied his mind while he made out with Zhao Yunlan. He obediently raised his arms above his head as Zhao Yunlan made to pull off his T-shirt. Zhao Yunlan’s touch sent shivers down his spine. The grip on his hips wasn’t possessive, never possessive, but firm and steadying. Ye Zun moaned when Zhao Yunlan found one of his sensitive spots and nipped. He buried his hand in Zhao Yunlan’s hair, pulling him closer still.
Zhao Yunlan moved them to the bed and they tumbled down. Ye Zun reached for him. He still didn’t like it when Zhao Yunlan loomed over him; it made it too hard to ignore the images that always lingered at the edge of his vision. Luckily, Zhao Yunlan quickly complied. He leaned over Ye Zun, skillfully pressing his thigh against Ye Zun’s already rock-hard dick. Ye Zun cursed.
“Fuck!” Then, more on impulse than because he’d made the decision before. Or maybe he had and simply hadn’t wanted to admit it. But still, he continued with, “In fact, do that tonight, fuck me Lan’er.”
He felt nervous as to how Zhao Yunlan would react. It seemed to take a moment before Zhao Yunlan comprehended what he’d said because he continued pressing kisses to his shoulder a moment longer before suddenly pulling back.
“What?”
“Don’t make me repeat it,” Ye Zun scoffed, turning his head so he wouldn’t be looking Zhao Yunlan in the eye. Then, he decided against that course of action and instead tried to distract Zhao Yunlan by drawing him back into a kiss.
Zhao Yunlan, however, was immovable. “A-Ye, are you sure? I haven’t even… touched you there.”
Ye Zun felt horrified, embarrassed. Maybe Zhao Yunlan didn’t want to fuck him after all; maybe he was too tainted and all had been a pretence. Shouldn’t he have been elated by the prospect?
“You don’t want to fuck me?” Ye Zun exclaimed in anger. “Fine!”
He wanted to move from the bed, get away from the situation, but Zhao Yunlan pinned him down. The hold wasn’t strong, more a request than anything. It didn’t scare him when Zhao Yunlan pressed him down like that. And, if they were both honest, if Ye Zun wanted to be gone, he would be gone, no matter what Zhao Yunlan tried.
“Oh, I want to,” Zhao Yunlan said in a tone that had Ye Zun shiver from tip to toe before the sensation settled deep in his belly.
The kisses Zhao Yunlan pressed to Ye Zun’s chest placated him into staying in place. The graze of teeth along a nipple elicited a mewl, desire simmering and anger abating.
“It’s you I’m worried about,” Zhao Yunlan continued, looking at Ye Zun again. “Why the sudden decision, A-Ye? It’s a big step.”
Ye Zun again looked away from him. He didn’t want to say it, to admit it, but he knew Zhao Yunlan wouldn’t act until he knew. Safety, he called it. Making certain Ye Zun wasn’t pushing himself too hard. As if Ye Zun needed protecting from himself.
“I came home early the other day,” he eventually muttered.
He could almost see Zhao Yunlan thinking, hear the gears in his mind turn and then click into place.
“And?” Zhao Yunlan prodded.
Ye Zun blew out a breath. “I could hear you… encourage gege.”
He swallowed and shivered. The sound of Zhao Yunlan’s voice was engraved in his mind.
“And?” Zhao Yunlan prompted again, pressing a little closer.
“I can’t stop thinking about it,” Ye Zun admitted through clenched teeth, hoping Zhao Yunlan finally had enough. Was he going to have to spell it out?
Zhao Yunlan started kissing his jaw, then his cheek, little kisses nudging him to relax again. Ye Zun turned his head, demanding a proper kiss.
“I would think that would lead to you wanting to fuck me,” Zhao Yunlan said once they separated again.
Ye Zun clenched his fists, immediately annoyed again. “Don’t make me say it!” he snapped.
“You’re going to have to,” Zhao Yunlan said, pressing placating little kisses to Ye Zun’s neck and shoulder. “So I’m certain you’re not pushing yourself.”
And there it was, Zhao Yunlan trying to protect him from himself. Honestly. Ye Zun groaned, giving in to the inevitable. If he wanted to try, he would have to voice his thoughts and emotions.
“You made it sound… pleasurable. … And I want pleasure. I want to know… that it’s possible.”
He tensed, wondering how Zhao Yunlan would react. He did not expect the way Zhao Yunlan surged up and pulled him into a wild kiss. Ye Zun moaned, pulling Zhao Yunlan in, scratching at his back. When they came up for air, his mind had pleasantly gone to mush.
“Alright,” Zhao Yunlan agreed. “But we’re using the traffic light system. You remember what it means?”
Ye Zun nodded. He wouldn’t admit it but he was grateful for the measure being put into place. He trusted Zhao Yunlan to adhere to it. He had before.
“Tell me the colours and their meaning, A-Ye.”
Ye Zun sighed and rolled his eyes. “Green is okay, orange is pause but don’t stop, red is immediate stop.”
“Good.”
The single word made Ye Zun’s brain error and his dick twitch. He both loved it when Zhao Yunlan praised him, and hated how it made him feel. It made him feel dependent somehow, like he would do whatever Zhao Yunlan would say.
He was distracted from his thoughts by Zhao Yunlan cupping the back of his neck and pulling him in for another kiss. It was filthy, Zhao Yunlan sucking Ye Zun’s bottom lip between his own before biting it. Ye Zun moaned at the barely-there sting. He opened easily when Zhao Yunlan’s tongue requested entrance. His fingers dug into Zhao Yunlan’s back, then buried themselves into Zhao Yunlan’s hair.
“I’m going to take off your pants now,” Zhao Yunlan said once they broke apart.
With the traffic light system in place, Ye Zun knew he didn’t need to respond. He watched Zhao Yunlan as he pressed kisses down Ye Zun’s torso.
“Yours too,” Ye Zun demanded. “I want you naked.”
It was the most glorious thing, having Zhao Yunlan naked in front of him. He’d come to appreciate the joys of pleasuring the man, hearing him groan at Ye Zun’s touch. He had thought about fucking Zhao Yunlan after he overheard him and his gege, but he couldn’t do it. Not without being a hundred percent certain it really was as pleasurable as he’d come to think.
Zhao Yunlan made quick work of their pants, leaving Ye Zun’s underwear on, much to his relief, and climbed back onto the bed. The contact as Zhao Yunlan again pressed his thigh between Ye Zun’s legs was intoxicating. And Ye Zun could feel exactly how much Zhao Yunlan wanted him from the hardness pressed to his hip.
“Gorgeous,” Zhao Yunlan murmured. He intertwined his left hand with Ye Zun’s right and pushed it into the mattress. Ye Zun loved it. “Stunning.”
For a while, they simply kissed. Heady, filthy kisses that had Ye Zun’s mind melt. Soon, he barely remembered where he was, other than with Zhao Yunlan. He’d grabbed Zhao Yunlan’s ass and kneaded it, pulling him closer still.
“I’m going to touch you now,” Zhao Yunlan muttered. “Trust me.”
Ye Zun hadn’t even noticed Zhao Yunlan’s hand going down and near his crotch. He hummed, fighting the fear and trusting Zhao Yunlan at the same time. Zhao Yunlan shifted, then pressed his hand against Ye Zun’s cock.
Ye Zun gasped, then let out a drawn-out groan. The feeling was amazing, so much more concentrated that the general pressure of a thigh. That he could feel Zhao Yunlan’s dick twitch at his sound only made it better.
“I’m going under your underwear,” Zhao Yunlan warned.
“Take it off,” Ye Zun managed to breathe out. It was too much, too constricting. He wanted more.
“Huh?” Zhao Yunlan said, blinking at him.
“Take it off already!” Ye Zun snapped.
He didn’t even mind how Zhao Yunlan chuckled at him. The cool air on his dick was marvellous. But then Zhao Yunlan took his time stroking and kissing his way up his legs and Ye Zun had too much time too think. About how he was exposed and vulnerable. About cold nights long gone.
“Touch,” Zhao Yunlan warned.
But when his hand came into contact with Ye Zun’s dick, Ye Zun wasn’t certain whether or not it was a good feeling. He was having difficulties keeping past and present apart.
Then Zhao Yunlan… tickled him? Ye Zun snapped out of his near-recollections and looked down at him.
“What?” he said.
Short for ‘what on earth are you doing?’. But he didn’t get that far as Zhao Yunlan pressed a little harder, then skimmed the slit at the head of his dick.
“Fuck!” Ye Zun cursed, throwing his head back.
Now that was definitely enjoyable. He writhed as Zhao Yunlan started slowly jerking him of. Moaning, he arched his back and pushed up, wanting more, demanding more. Zhao Yunlan, however, kept up his steady, languid movement.
“Good?” he asked.
“Fuck you!” Ye Zun cursed at him, hips canting against his will.
Zhao Yunlan kissed him again but Ye Zun couldn’t concentrate. All his being was focussed on the hand on his dick, the up and down movements that seemed to dictate his entire life now. He clawed at the sheets, lost in pleasure. Then, Zhao Yunlan pulled away.
“Where are you going?” Ye Zun immediately protested, opening his eyes. Zhao Yunlan was stretching to reach the bedside table.
“Grabbing the lube,” Zhao Yunlan said. A bottle of something was waved in front of Ye Zun. “We’ll be needing this.”
Ye Zun was at a total loss. “Lube?”
“It eases the way,” Zhao Yunlan carefully answered, frowning. “Like oil.”
Ye Zun tried to grasp what Zhao Yunlan was saying. Ease the way? To what?
“You don’t just… put it in?” Ye Zun eventually asked. Because that was how it always had been. What did Zhao Yunlan mean with ‘ease the way’? It could be made easier?
Zhao Yunlan’s kiss came unexpected but Ye Zun accepted it nonetheless. He was annoyed at the lack of answer at first but, after a while, let go of the sentiment to enjoy Zhao Yunlan’s superb kissing skills.
“No,” Zhao Yunlan eventually said when they parted again. “No, A-Ye. When done properly, you’re prepared so it doesn’t hurt.”
Now that was a concept. “It won’t hurt?” Ye Zun asked, disbelieving.
“No.”
“Not even at the beginning?” Because surely, the penetration was doomed to be painful.
“No. If it does, I did something wrong and you have to tell me, understand?” Zhao Yunlan said, earnest, gaze steady and intent. He cupped Ye Zun’s cheek. “Promise me, A-Ye.”
Still disbelieving, Ye Zun nodded. Then, because Zhao Yunlan would insist anyway, he said, “If anything hurts, I’ll tell you.”
That seemed to satisfy Zhao Yunlan. Ye Zun watched as Zhao Yunlan squirted some of the lube stuff onto his fingers, then reached out when offered to feel it for himself. He scrunched up his nose, it was a cold, slippery sort of thing and although he understood how that would ‘ease the way’, he wasn’t entirely certain he would like the feel of it.
When Zhao Yunlan laughed at him for the expression on his face, Ye Zun wanted to scowl at him.
“Trust me,” Zhao Yunlan said, bending forward for a soft kiss.
Ye Zun was having none of that and demanded more, pulling Zhao Yunlan down and licking into his mouth.
“Open up your leg’s a little,” Zhao Yunlan murmured against his lips.
Ye Zun followed his instructions and could feel the fearful anticipation building again. He tried to ignore it, instead listening to Zhao Yunlan’s voice and focussing on their kiss.
“That’s it, there you go. I’ll touch you now, down there.”
When Zhao Yunlan’s finger found his opening and circled it, Ye Zun couldn’t help the shiver that ran through him. He tried to relax but couldn’t. The edges of his vision were crowded with memories. It took all he had to fight them off, to not remember, to believe what Zhao Yunlan promised him.
His entire body went taut when Zhao Yunlan entered a finger. He was waiting, waiting for the pain to come, the burn, the sharpness of a tear. But nothing came. Zhao Yunlan was gently pumping his finger in and out and there was no pain.
“That’s … it?” Ye Zun couldn’t help but asking.
“For now,” Zhao Yunlan answered. “Until you are used to it and it won’t hurt to take a second finger.”
“But…”
“No buts, A-Ye,” Zhao Yunlan gently said. “We can talk about the combination of pain and pleasure later but now, now it’s only about pleasure. Your pleasure. Alright?”
Ye Zun searched his face, looking for lies, for deceit, but found none. Eventually, he nodded. Zhao Yunlan was yet to lie to him when it came to sex. Another kiss followed, reducing Ye Zun’s mind to mush once more.
When Zhao Yunlan pushed in a second finger, he barely noticed other than a stretch that wasn’t bad at all. Then, Zhao Yunlan did something and Ye Zun’s entire world shattered. He shouted, scrabbling at the sheets, as pleasure like he’d never felt before coursed through him. Once the wave ended and he could open his eyes again, he looked at Zhao Yunlan with bewildered wonder. What had just happened?
“And that,” Zhao Yunlan said with a shit-eating grin, “is why you probably heard me begging your gege.”
“Fuck,” was all Ye Zun knew to say.
“Indeed.”
“Do it again!” Because he had to feel it again to truly believe it, to know it was not a fluke. And he wasn’t against ordering Zhao Yunlan around every now and then.
Zhao Yunlan laughed, then obliged. For once, Ye Zun didn’t have the capacity to think of his fears, his memories. All of his mind was shattered by the sheer pleasure Zhao Yunlan’s fingers brought him. Push after push, this spot inside him was pressed and electricity ran through his veins in the most delicious way. When Zhao Yunlan pulled his fingers out, Ye Zun couldn’t help but curse at him.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
The question was answered as Zhao Yunlan used that same lube to pump himself. The reality of what was about to happen managed to settle in again somewhat, but if it took a dick to get that feeling back, he’d take it.
“Are you ready?” Zhao Yunlan asked.
“I guess,” Ye Zun answered, unwilling to speak his thoughts out loud.
Zhao Yunlan, predictably, frowned. “Colour?”
“Fucking green!” Ye Zun shouted, wanting him to get on with it already. The longer he waited, the more Ye Zun could feel trepidation rising. Still, when Zhao Yunlan was sitting between his legs, there was little fear in Ye Zun. He was nervous, yes, but not really afraid.
“I’ll go slow,” Zhao Yunlan said. “And remember, no pain. A stretch, but no pain.”
“No pain,” Ye Zun repeated, more to remind himself than to satisfy Zhao Yunlan.
He shuddered again as he felt the blunt tip of Zhao Yunlan’s dick, a feeling he hated but was a necessary evil, he guessed. Ye Zun braced as Zhao Yunlan pushed in. Against everything, he expected pain. He’d never known any different. But it didn’t come. He felt full, stretched, as Zhao Yunlan pushed deeper with shallow thrusts, but no pain. There was truly no pain.
He didn’t realise he was crying until Zhao Yunlan brushed away his tears.
“Ye Zun?” Zhao Yunlan asked, clearly alarmed.
“It doesn’t hurt,” Ye Zun could only whisper. His mind couldn’t grasp it.
Zhao Yunlan stroked his cheek and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “No, it doesn’t,” he again confirmed. “Are you still with me?”
With some effort, Ye Zun focused on him and nodded.
“Good.”
When Zhao Yunlan kissed him, Ye Zun allowed it to distract him. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d been expecting, but the pleasure when Zhao Yunlan moved wasn’t part of it. He drew in a breath, clawing at Zhao Yunlan’s back.
He didn’t care how he could feel Zhao Yunlan’s smile between the kisses to his neck, when Zhao Yunlan set a pace, Ye Zun could only curse. The way it felt, it was so much better than he had ever expected. He moaned at the slow drag.
“That’s it,” Zhao Yunlan whispered against his skin. “Let go, I’ve got you.”
Ye Zun hadn’t known he needed that reassurance, that safety net, but he did. Zhao Yunlan he could trust to keep him safe. Ye Zun sank deeper into the sensations, moaning again.
Then, Zhao Yunlan sat up, changing position, grabbing his hips and pulling them higher. And somehow, astonishingly, things got even better. With each thrust, that sensitive spot inside him was hit. Again. And again. And again. Ye Zun thought he was going to lose his mind to this pleasure. He never wanted it to stop.
“Fuck! Fuck! … Hnn … Lan’er, Yunlan, don’t stop. Don’t stop. Please.”
He froze. In the blink of an eye, the haze was gone, replaced by memories. Of men around him, men inside him. Of cruel laughs and even more cruel hands. Of him, begging, for them to stop, to please, please, no more. Of taunting, of name-calling of-
“…wrong? A-Ye!”
Ye Zun blinked at the nickname, a shout between the jeers, a name that was never used there. He shuddered, disoriented.
“Where-”
“Home,” a voice said. A safe voice. “I’m here, I’ve got you, you’re safe.”
Ye Zun blinked again, trying to focus. He knew that voice. He knew the person hovering over him. That wasn’t a rebel. That was,
“Yunlan?”
There was relief in that face before Zhao Yunlan pressed their foreheads together.
“Yes, I’m here. I’m here.”
There was a pause. Ye Zun took a breath, trying to centre himself again in the present. He moved his hands, needing the tactile reminder that Zhao Yunlan was real.
“What happened?” Zhao Yunlan eventually asked. “Can you tell me?”
Ye Zun wrapped his arms more securely around Zhao Yunlan, pulling him closer. Could he? Could he tell Zhao Yunlan what had happened? Wouldn’t it hurt the man to know the memories took over? And it had happened because-
“I begged,” Ye Zun managed to whisper. Despite everything, despite having sworn never to beg again, one night in Zhao Yunlan’s arms had instinctually driven him to begging for more. It was unthinkable. And a delirious thought of what could be.
Zhao Yunlan didn’t answer, merely remained silent. After a while, Ye Zun shifted, in slight discomfort.
“Do you want to stop?” Zhao Yunlan asked.
Of all the things, that wasn’t what Ye Zun had expected Zhao Yunlan to say. “Now?” he asked, incredulous. “But you’re-”
“Balls deep into you?” Zhao Yunlan said with a touch of his usual irreverence. “That doesn’t matter. If you want to stop, we stop.”
Ye Zun started moving his hands up and down Zhao Yunlan’s back. His Zhao Yunlan. Safe Zhao Yunlan. Did he want to stop? Would he ever dare to try again if he did? Could he trust Zhao Yunlan to make it good again?
“No,” Ye Zun eventually decided. “I just… don’t want to beg,” he added. He didn’t know what Zhao Yunlan could do to prevent that from happening, but Ye Zun didn’t think he would survive another assault of memories that evening.
Zhao Yunlan nodded and pushed up a little, looking down at him. A soft kiss followed, something reassuring.
“Alright,” Zhao Yunlan said. “Slow and steady.”
Ye Zun couldn’t help but brace a little but when Zhao Yunlan moved, no pain followed, only that same sensation as before, only dulled a little. He sighed with relief. When Zhao Yunlan made to sit up entirely again, Ye Zun grabbed his arms in alarm. He needed Zhao Yunlan close, within reach, so he could smell him, touch him, know it was him and not someone else.
“Stay close?” Ye Zun asked.
Zhao Yunlan obliged. Kisses peppered his skin and Ye Zun tried to relax under them, tried to sink back into the pleasure of Zhao Yunlan’s movements. Slow and steady, as he’d promised, but therefore no less mind blowing.
It took a while, but eventually Ye Zun could feel himself starting to float again, his mind blurring at the edges as he arched into Zhao Yunlan. Their chest pressed together as he did, another point of contact. His hands mapped Zhao Yunlan’s back. Pleasure kept slowly building and building and building, a wave ready to break.
“I’m close,” Zhao Yunlan breathed into his ear, the hot air sending another delicious shiver through Ye Zun’s body. “Can I touch you? I want to make you come, A-Ye.”
“Yes,” Ye Zun immediately answered. He wanted it. He wanted Zhao Yunlan’s touch, the release it would bring.
When Zhao Yunlan’s hand touched his dick, Ye Zun thought he would fall apart. Two, three jerks later and stars erupted before his eyes. His body arched and he threw his head back in ecstasy, groaning as he spilled into Zhao Yunlan’s hand and onto his stomach.
Zhao Yunlan followed him suit with a grunt before collapsing onto Ye Zun. He took only a moment before pulling out — gentler than Ye Zun had ever experienced — and went to lie down next to him.
Ye Zun quickly snuggled up to him. He wasn’t ready to give up Zhao Yunlan’s touch and the reassurance it gave just yet. He needed time to process. A soft feeling settled over him as Zhao Yunlan started stroking his hair.
“Are you okay?” Zhao Yunlan asked.
Ye Zun nodded. “Hmm.” He was starting to feel sleepy, warm and safe and sated. “Tired.” There was one downside to it all though. “Sticky,” he added.
Zhao Yunlan laughed and kissed the top of Ye Zun’s head. Another flood of warm feelings ran through Ye Zun at the gesture.
“Take a nap,” Zhao Yunlan said. “We’ll shower after.”
It sounded like a good idea. A very good idea even. Ye Zun hummed his agreement and snuggled closer. Yunlan. His Yunlan. Safe Yunlan. He fell asleep in an instant.