Chapter Text
Hanbin got up, and reached over to his phone to send a “Good morning!” message on +chat. The sky had just started to lighten up as the morning freshly dawned. The house was silent while the others were asleep. He got out of the shower with a towel on his head and walked into each member’s rooms to wake them up—he didn’t forget to get on his tippy toes when he went into Hao’s room, because Hao doesn’t like when the floor creeks and it wakes him up. But he likes it when Hanbin slowly sits on the edge of his bed, puts one hand on his shoulder and whispers his name gently, trying not to disturb too much. And he wakes up to the view of his best friend, fresh out of the shower with a hint of worry on his face, as if wondering if he was too harsh. He leaves once he’s sure Hao is awake and lets him settle into the morning.
Hao gets up, goes through his usual morning stuff, walks into the kitchen to find Gunwook teasing Yujin about his morning hair and telling him to wash it, while trying to put together a half-decent breakfast for themselves.
“Good morning Hao hyung! Did we wake you up?” asked Gunwook with a slight grin left on his face from giggling with Yujin and Hao quickly shook his head to deny reassuringly. He didn’t like talking much first thing in the morning. He had to come to his senses before he even interacted with the world.
He walked over to the table where Gunwook brought cups of coffee and put it in the middle for everyone to grab. He pulled his cup towards himself. He knew because it was his cup, the one he always drinks from and knows Hanbin makes coffee in every morning for him. Just the way he likes it, with a dollop of milk. He takes a sip and closes his eyes dramatically, like he’s in some kind of K-drama where he’s about to have the most unfortunate day ahead. Not that he thinks that way, it’s just in his nature to be a little dramatic.
He sees Hanbin walk into the kitchen in his usual grey sleep shorts and a tank top with the same towel in his hand stroking his hair to dry it. Hanbin walks towards Gyuvin to pat his butt, while Gyuvin grabbs his ice cream from the freezer. And yes, he likes to eat ice cream for breakfast alongside the reheated doenjang-jjige from yesterday.
Hanbin seemed a little more joyful today compared to other days. It wasn’t just him, everyone was a little excited today because they had the first showcase of their comeback in a few hours. That’s why they woke up at the dawn of day, to go to Music Bank.
It’s their 5th comeback with their self-produced full album called “Cruel Paradise”. The title song is an alternative rock song called “Midnight Game”, it has a dark and gloomy concept with the outfits being a mix of full leather and fur accents, tight leather pants, long coats and little tops, harmonizing slutty and bold. The MV is built around a metaphor where the members get shot on their backs by feathery black arrows while trying to get away from a metaphorical devil in a never-ending chase. The devil is all too powerful, and takes over them. Leaving them powerless to the desire it’s planting in them and questioning if the devil is bad for them or actually saving them.
The song starts off powerful with a mix of Gyuvin’s excellence on the synth and Gunwook’s rapid drums. In the first verse the tension gets lowered with Yujin’s keyboard dominating mixed with Hanbin’s bass, before going right back up in the chorus, creating a well constructed emotional rollercoaster. At the climax of the song they all turn into an evil version of themselves, being forced to give in to the devil, all while Hao’s belting this insane note at the top of his lungs and Hanbin is harmonizing over him with strong vocals while Gunwook’s going crazy on the drums—truly a devilish and wild image. The song ends with Hao changing from the guitar to the violin and providing a soft bittersweet ending right after the chaos, leaving the listener in a trance and their mouths agape as the rollercoaster ends. The lyrics go something like this,
Just like the movie, devil game, drama
An intense desire brushes up against my heart
Maybe you're bad for me, you make me lose myself, but
Baby, you wake me up, you change me
Hate me, don't chase me
Looking like you know the answer, you ask the devil (Hide)
It's such a devil
Hate me, don't chase me
You look like you're lying, like you're evil, devil (Lies)
It's such a devil
They have their half-assed breakfast and head out with puffy eyes and puffy jackets, get into the company car for their manager to take them to the broadcast station. It’s all so routine by now. They’ve done this so many times. They go and rehearse, get their hair and make up done, fool around, loud vocals coming from their waiting room while they randomly practice…
“Hambin-ah! My new mic came in, look.”
Hao calls Hanbin over and excitedly shows off his new custom mic. A glorious shiny metal crown with diamonds wrapping the mic where it meets the handle, a beautiful gradient from black to white. So pretty, just fitting to Hao. He deserved the prettiest of everything.
But Hanbin can not focus on that right now, because he swears the stylists hate him sometimes. They put Hao in a white mesh long sleeve top that wraps his little waist tightly, exposing all of his upper body under a cropped black leather jacket with metal buttons that split open the whole sleeve to reveal the mesh. And with the leather pants he was so captivating. All this matched with his blushy make up and his plump and glossy lips complemented with a lip ring on that thick bottom lip of his. His brown hair goes so well with the blushy look, and all Hanbin wants to do is stare at him. He’s been keeping to himself since they got there, because he’s afraid to stare for too long at this all-consuming sight of Hao. But right now while Hao’s talking about why he chose the diamonds on the mic or something of that sort, all he can do is stand there and do his best to not look so head over heels—which is debatable if he’s succeeding.
“Yes hyung, it’s so pretty. Just like you.” he says, trying to sound playful, smirking like the evil that he is. The real intention of his words disguised in their friendly banter.
Hao accepts it with the same playful demeanour and giggles. He’s not so different himself, because in front of him standing is a Hanbin with his sleeves rolled up, leather belt pieces going all over his upper body asymmetrically and draping onto his pants, over his black top that’s cut up in various places right over his biceps. With his fingerless leather gloves and leather pants that wrap his thighs, and the brown-ish blushy make up with his black hair styled almost wet.
Just, wow. The sight is too much to take in, really. His bassist looks so god damn good, just like the rockstar he is.
Hanbin reaches over to make the fronts of Hao’s cropped jacket meet, he steals a glance at the band of skin showing right under his mesh top in the process. Still all disguised in a playful manner.
“The stylists go all out on you. Are you comfortable in this?” he asks, trying to sound worried while his eyes locked onto Hao’s torso.
“Yes, I agreed to it right away when they showed me the outfit. Don’t worry.” Hao says, reassuringly putting his hands over Hanbin’s and gently pulling them away. He doesn’t let go though, he keeps holding his hand for comfort before they go on stage in a bit.
This is all so normal for their relationship, it’s casual for them to act all clingy right before stage. Sometimes it’s as little as holding onto the side of the other’s arm or touching their shoulders together, and sometimes it’s full blown hugs and whispers to the ears. They find comfort in resorting to each other, something they’ve developed gradually, over their trainee years and after debut. It all feels so natural. Everyone around them is so used to seeing them together, like they’re two magnets, always pulling each other in.
They may have this tension between them too, sometimes too strong to ignore. But nevertheless, it’s too complicated to think over. Hanbin’s afraid if he gets into it, he’d get too carried away and confuse himself too much. And Hao, he’s not so good at emotions—his own emotions anyways. He’s so good at knowing exactly what Hanbin needs emotionally, but when the tables turn and he has to deal with his own, he almost glitches. They complete each other in a way that they now know each other’s needs in and out. So some things naturally go unmentioned.
Hanbin’s had a few short conversations about this with Gyuvin, and Yujin sometimes teases them about acting like a married couple but that’s pretty much it. They’ve had this platonic relationship for 5 years now, starting back in pre-debut.
It has been getting increasingly harder for them to ignore and hide away the feelings. Gradually, the little touches began to linger, the tension got heavier and the words started to hold more meaning than they used to. They’re not dumb, they notice the excitement, the smiling eyes when the other isn’t looking, the little startle every time one of them gets close... It would be extremely difficult not to, given their perfect friendship.
What’s hard is they don’t know how to bring it up, or if they should bring it up in the first place. It’s hard to make a decision that may disturb the peace, the familiar and easy way of everything. They don’t need more unwanted complications as if putting a name on their own feelings isn’t hard already.
“Okay now onto Gunwook! I heard you write the lyrics for the group. Can you walk us through the process a bit, or do you have any interesting behind the scenes to share with us?”
The host of the radio show asks with a bubbly smile on her face.
“I mean, I do write a lot of lyrics but because we’re all contributing to the creative process, it’s all ultimately a bunch of collective decisions. Something different about our songs is that you can’t really say something is certainly one person’s doing. When you’re a band, everybody has at least something to do with everything.” Gunwook answers with a huge proud smile on his face. His teddy bear-like charm is definitely adored by everyone in the room.
“For example, for the 3rd track in our latest album, I wrote it after having a midnight conversation with Hanbin hyung that was very meaningful to me. Was it 7 or 8 months ago? At the time it was something that really helped me get rid of some questions in my head. You’ll understand what I’m talking about when you listen to the song but, yeah I think us being together is ultimately what makes our sound.”
His answer makes the host pout her lips and say “Wow, you guys really are a perfect team.” endearingly. The energy in the room is slightly emotional as Hanbin looks at Gunwook with the same proud smile, before Yujin says “Ehh, don’t pretend like you didn’t write it after I told you I love you.” and everybody starts laughing at the perfectly timed comedic response.
The radio show is a blast, it truly feels like a fresh breath of air after going from music shows to variety shows for a week straight. More opportunity to talk about their work and be their authentic selves.
They get to their dorm after finishing the radio show because it was the last schedule of the day. Hanbin isn’t sure if it’s because of the absolutely packed week they had, but there’s this overwhelming feeling growing inside of him that makes him distance himself from the world as soon as they get to their dorm. He just needs some time to think.
His cloudy and static expression gives it away, as much as he’s an expert at hiding stuff like this during work. But the members catch on it. They make an effort to give him space, not bothering him for the rest of the evening. They know not to intervene with his interconflicts.
He lies down after a hot shower, hoping it would make him get out of the overstimulated headspace he’s in. But it doesn’t do much. He feels the same burden weighing on him as he stares into the ceiling.
And he does what he always does—message Hao. He doesn’t have to think about it. In his unconscious mind, he knows Hao’s there whenever he needs him. So he picks his phone up and sends him a text.
“Hyung.”
It’s not too long before the message is seen, because Hao knew Hanbin needed him. Just one word was enough to know it was his turn. He didn’t even respond. He just walked towards Hanbin’s room and knocked on his door. After a couple seconds of silence, he entered the room to find Hanbin just lying on his bed face up. He slowly walked over in silence. He didn’t say anything, didn’t even ask if he’s okay. Simply walked over and sat down on the edge of his bed. Hanbin’s hair was newly dried and fluffy, his eyes tired and his eyebrows tensed. He looked so raw and guardless.
Hanbin reached out to Hao’s arm, just holding him. He didn’t make eye contact, he just stared into the sheets next to Hao’s arm. It was just silent for a while, until he felt ready to say something. And Hao waited patiently, as if he knew what Hanbin needed exactly at that moment. He moved closer to him on the bed, placing himself a bit lower to face the younger better, supporting himself with an elbow. He reached over to Hanbin’s fluffy hair to lightly stroke a few strands. That is when Hanbin finally looked at him, with a hint of vulnerability in his static expression.
“Hyung.”
“Yes?” His soft and caring tone was enough to get Hanbin to open up.
“Am I doing enough?”
With the question Hao knew exactly what Hanbin was feeling. Having as much responsibility as him wasn’t easy. Even the most perfect seeming people had their burdens. And Hanbin had always put so much effort into being the perfect, responsible, thoughtful and reliable leader everyone envied. It was only normal that from time to time, he cracked and showed his real emotions.
“These days everything’s been cloudy. I lose track and get distracted so easily.”
Hao doesn’t say anything. Instead he just keeps stroking the younger’s hair, allowing him to let out whatever he needs to say.
“It’s weighing on me. I can’t focus on anything, I feel so overstimulated. Like just today, I didn’t respond to Yujin when he asked about a… I don’t even remember it.”
Hanbin’s grip on Hao’s arm gets tighter as he visibly gets frustrated. He pulls his legs towards himself, making himself smaller as an act of settling more into Hao’s space.
“Hanbinie… You want to be enough for everyone, but that is just not possible.” Hao continues comforting him by stroking his hair, twirling a couple strands here and there. “You only have so much attention to give. You sometimes forget you’re human too.” As he continues, Hanbin’s frustration slowly eases out.
“Don’t you think you’re being a little hard on yourself? I promise you none of us think of you the way you think of yourself. We all love you and appreciate what you're already doing so much.”
It’s silent while Hanbin stares at Hao’s face with furrowed brows and glossy eyes. Hanbin looks so raw, so endearing to Hao the way he’s staring at him like a lost kitty, full of vulnerability.
Hanbin moves closer and wraps his arms around Hao’s body, resting his forehead on Hao’s chest. And the hand playing with the younger’s hair is now caressing his back.
“How do you get me so well?”
Hao can feel Hanbin peacefully breathing towards his chest. He seems to have calmed down, thanks to Hao’s affirming words. Not too long after, Hao hears Hanbin sniffle quietly. He slightly pulls away to get a better look at Hanbin’s face. There was indeed wetness under his eyes.
Hanbin adjusts himself and returns to his pillow to face Hao. They were lying together face to face, hands still wrapped around each other as Hao’s palm kept tracing little circles on Hanbin’s back. Hao was truly the only person that could get Hanbin to lower his guards down and let himself be embraced like this. He was the only person Hanbin didn’t have to be ‘perfect’ around.
“Hyung, you’re like my crying button.” Hanbin’s voice is low, almost like he’s whispering. “I don’t easily let go and cry like this, but you comfort me so well. Are you magic or something?” Hao giggles a little, the way Hanbin acts like a little kitty is so endearing to him.
“I’m serious. You mean so much to me.”
There was a silence after that. It isn’t much really, they say stuff like this to each other all the time. But Hao couldn’t help it, it startled him. He stared at Hanbin’s face for what felt like 5 minutes. Hanbin was aware what he said held something deeper. And he was sure Hao was able to feel it too.
The vibe shifting was so evident, the air around them immediately felt thicker. The room was dead silent while they stared at each other. You could see Hanbin swallow very hard.
If it wasn’t for their 5 year long friendship, he would kiss him silly right there. He could look away and avoid Hao’s eyes, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t act shy and pull away, because he knew his best friend wouldn’t want that either. Instead he kept going, even if anxiety was eating at him.
“Can you sleep here tonight?”
He swallowed once again. This could all be disguised under the name of friendship just like all the other things they do. But there was an unmistakable tension that was impossible to ignore.
Hao swallowed hard before saying “Yes. Yes I can.” in a whisper. And he really wished Hanbin didn’t notice him stare at his lips for a split second.
In an effort to get out of this moment both of them moved closer to each other, not leaving much space to see each other’s faces. Hanbin rested his head back on Hao’s chest while Hao wrapped him up even tighter in his arms. Legs finding each other under the blanket.
There was definitely something more there that wasn’t going unnoticed. The touches almost burned wherever they made contact, the physical tension was hard to miss. But neither of them were saying anything. Their hearts racing and a burning sensation creeping up on them while they stayed in each other’s embrace. It was as if they were in their own bubble, separated from the rest of the world.
It was truly a moment of realization—fuck, they couldn’t even comfort each other without feeling adrenaline anymore. This was a new development in their relationship, something that was bound to happen, and something eventually they would have to unravel.
Hanbin liked to have an hour of alone practice before their scheduled group practice sessions. Hanbin was practicing alone in their studio when Hao walked in. He looked focused, the way he was playing his bass with such dedication, Hao could almost see his sharp gaze cut through the strings of his guitar. He kind of stood there by the door, watching Hanbin do his craft in his own world. How he moved his fingers on the strings, the way his body was reacting and moving to the rhythm… The sight was a delight. Hanbin was the most attractive when he was immersed in his passion. In his baggy sweatpants and loose flannel, with a cap on, he looked too good to be true.
Hao was especially busy following Hanbin’s finger movements at the moment. The way he was so professionally moving his fingers on the strings and making it look so effortless, it made Hao feel things. He would steal glances at them while they were playing together but he never watched it in detail, the whole scene from afar. He was so focused he didn’t even realize Hanbin noticed him standing by the door.
“Hyung! What are you doing, come practice with me.”
Hanbin looked at Hao with the biggest smile on his face, whiskers and all. Not aware of any of the thoughts crossing Hao’s mind. He looked genuinely happy to see him. It was just like another day in the practice room.
Hao walked over with an unreadable expression on his face. As he sat down on his stool he was still stealing glances at Hanbin’s fingers. He didn’t want the moment to become awkward, so in an effort to fix it he blurted out,
“Your fingers are… really pretty.” Hao wanted to say I want your fingers all over my body but he could never say that to his best friend in a million years. He almost felt guilty for thinking about his best friend this way, like he was committing a crime. Hanbin smiled widely at the compliment, eyes disappearing and whiskers deepening.
Not even looking at his reaction, Hao picked up his guitar to match Hanbin on the song in an effort to shake the thoughts from his mind. It didn’t take long for them to get swayed with the rhythm, Hanbin supporting with vocals here and there. But Hao seemed out of place, unfocused.
“Why do you keep missing you’re not normally like this?” Hanbin couldn’t help but notice his best friend looking out of it. It wasn’t usual, like something worrying must’ve happened. Hao tried, really tried. But the only thing he could focus on was those perfectly shaped fingers and Hanbin’s impeccable skill of moving them so smoothly. Hao wishes he could erase all the knowledge about the guitar from his brain just so Hanbin could teach it to him all over again, hands on.
“Oh hyung come on! Are you doing it on purpose?” Hanbin blurted out in frustration as Hao kept making mistakes here and there. He could tell Hao was distracted but he couldn’t read why from his expression.
“Okay! I'm sorry.” Hao took his gaze off of Hanbin, to literally look anywhere else. He had to get it together before the members came in. And he was so thankful his guitar was covering his half hard-on. “Can we take it from the second verse?”