Chapter Text
The Kingdom
Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies.
- “Childhood is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies”, Edna St. Vincent Millay
You imagine it best to tackle the issue head-on.
You’ll be pragmatic.
You recall Marat being rather a fan of pragmatism.
Although he was stabbed in his bathtub, so perhaps soliciting validation through his ideology is a bit far-fetched.
You quickly silence your mentally masturbatory tangent and take a deep, slow breath through your nose. The air in your room is a bit hot and stale - dust motes swimming in the bloated afternoon sunlight and slopping through the closed windows. You consider getting up and letting some clean air through, but you know if you unglue yourself from your desk chair, you will find an excuse to leave the room (perhaps the guise of making tea), and then a reason to leave the house (perhaps you will be out of the nice Jasmine Green Blend you like so much, and will have to get more at the store), and then a reason to leave the country (perhaps the store will also be out, and you’ll decide it’s really best to procure the tea from its actual source. In China.) So you crack your neck until you hear onetwothreefour pops, roll your shoulders, and open up your Pesterchum window.
--tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering turntechGodhead (TG) at 4:43 PM--
TT: Hello.
TG: what do you want lalonde
TT: You know, some consider it appropriate to answer an innocuous salutation such as “Hello” with an equally non-threatening greeting. Take, for example, the hallowed and respectable “sup.”
TG: sorry man but you barely ever pester me anymore
TG: every time you do you want something its all
TG: dave help me move all my shit into kanayas place
TG: dave watch my four bazilliontrillionmillion cats and plants while i jet off to fukin cape town
TG: to buy some shitty lesbian paper jewelry and take a lot of pictures where my upper lip is really sweaty
TG: dave tell me im pretty
TG: i mean i just dont expect banal conversation from you anymore you know
TT: Well, assault on my jewelry taste and perspiration issues aside, I simply contacted you to chat. How are you?
TG: yeah yeah sure ever since you moved into the cat cave you dont have any time for your bro its cool i get it i dont need a conversational pity fuck rose
TT: …Cat cave?
TG: it was like
TG: a takeoff on the bat cave you know
TG: but cat cave because as previously mentioned you have a fucking plague of cats in that house dude
TG: also youre a lesbian so
TG: ha cats
TT: Ah. Of course.
TT: Ha. Cats.
TG: it wasnt one of my better ones i know dont kick a man while hes down
TG: anyway sorry for being hostile i guess i just
TG: i mean its good to hear from you or whatever
TG: whats going on
TT: Well, I may not have been entirely forthcoming with my motivation for pestering you. I do, actually, need a favor.
TT: By all means, commence your gloating in five…four…three…
TG: AH HA HA this is rich lalonde just rich
TG: of course you need something what is it do you want me to be the one to break to mom that you wont be home for christmas again because i swore never ever again after last year
TG: rose you don’t understand she cried for forty five minutes and then said she could probably put a wig on me so itd look like you were in some of the pictures
TG: and bro went along with it and then i was in a purple sweater with oranges stuffed down the front opening your gifts
TG: i am a grown ass man and i will be in therapy for the rest of my fuckin life i swear to god i wont do it ask bro
TT: I need your sperm.
TG: make bro do it or just call yourself why are you so
TG: wait what
--tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering turntechGodhead (TG) at 5:22 PM--
Without thinking, you slam the lid of your laptop shut. You smooth your hair back, slowly, with shaking hands, and endeavor to take even breaths through your mouth. Your lips stick together for a moment as you try to part them. You catch the hard glint of your eye in the full-length mirror across the room and quickly look away. There is no reason for this to be so hard. In Dave’s words, you are a grown ass woman get your shit together jesus rollerblading christ –
You tap each of your fingers on your desk, a soothing metronome in alternating patters of three, and open your computer again, Dave’s text glows hot and confused back at you.
--tentacleTherapist (TT) began pestering turntechGodhead (TG) at 5:25 PM—
TG: rose
TG: rose
TG: rose
TG: what the fuck
TT: I think my request was fairly straightforward.
TG: and i repeat what the fuck
TG: where did you even go
TT: Apologies, I was briefly called away from my computer.
TG: rose is this some kind of psychobabble conditioning bullshit
TG: like you figure if you ask me for something really ridiculous itll make the actual favor you ask for seem totally normal and easy
TG: you think ill just be all yeah sure
TG: and then all of a sudden bring on the wig and the oranges its time for the chamber of horrors strider edition
TG: no fucking thank you woman
TG: no fucking thank you
TT: Dave, please stop and think about this for a moment.
TG: no no no i dont want to think about my sister and my sperm at the same time thanks but no thanks 0/10 would not do again
TG: choo choo all aboard the incest train population you and not me i got off in tampa and im enjoying the sun and the threat of gator attacks thank you very much
TT: Dave.
TT: I want a child.
TT: We do.
TT: There? You’ve gotten it out of me. Are you proud?
TG: also how does kanaya feel about you asking your brother for his seminal
TG: oh
TT: Yeah.
TG: oh you guys want
TG: okay i get it now okay wow
TG: wait though that doesnt make sense because you still cant like have my baby
TG: itll be like some kind of crazy fish monster or whatever happens when you incest
TG: itll have like twelve toes or a funny shaped head or something at least
TT: You’re not thinking.
TG: yeah well its pretty hard to think when your sister up and asks you to stick your baby gravy in her
TT: Jesus Christ.
TT: Not in me, you dumbass.
TG: hey hurtful words
TG: oh shit kanaya
TG: i totally forgot about her
TT: Score one for Dave.
TG: shes not easy to forget or anything i just
TG: shut up
TT: Your secret is safe with me.
TT: But, in all honesty. I really do need this one favor.
TG: you want me to get kanaya pregnant
TT: That’s the idea.
TG: rose thats not like
TG: a favor
TG: thats like a commitment i really dont feel ready to be a dad dude
TG: rose you of all people should know that im kinda lacking in good parental role models over here
TG: dude id probably end up covering the thing in puppets for no discernible reason or
TT: It wouldn’t be your baby, Dave.
TT: It would be Kanaya’s and mine.
TT: Although, you would still have an important part in our baby’s life. You’d be an uncle, and you’re absolutely allowed to take on that particular role however you see fit.
TT: Including, but not limited to gratuitous puppetry.
TT: Although I happen to know another brother who might feel rather gypped upon the realization that you have taken over as “Baby’s First Puppeteer.”
TG: no fucking thank you
TG: although gratuitious puppetry is like the best band name ive ever heard
TG: but wait no no no no no
TG: youre totally serious right like you want me to do this
TT: Absolutely serious. Actually, when are you free? we’d like to start as soon as possible, I have no idea how many attempts this will require.
TG: are you saying you dont think im fertile enough rose
TG: because i assure you i am as potent as
TG: something really potent
TT: A stiff drink? Your breath following a garlicky meal? Perhaps even, as Stravinsky once said, love?
TG: yeah yeah sure pick one of those i do not actually give a fuck
TT: Love it is. And I’m glad to hear you have such grand faith in your fertility. That means less strain on all of us.
TT: Unless, of course, you’re particularly looking forward to orgasming for Kanaya?
TG: woah okay uh if thats how were doing it then thats cool
TG: as long as its cool with you guys i just want to help i guess
TT: I mean, this does promise to be rather fun for you, I think.
TG: man youre really blase about this arent you damn rose i knew you were cold but i didnt know you pissed liquid nitrogen
TT: Blasé? Are you suggesting I’m indifferent to the conception of a new human being? My own unborn child, no less?
TG: no no no i just you know
TG: whatever whatever if its cool with you its cool with me
TG: anyway when are we getting this show on the road sis
TT: Tomorrow would be fine, if you have the time.
TG: alright eager beaver dont give a man a little warning
TT: Right, because ejaculation takes so very much physical and mental preparation. It’s much like the Olympics. Or joining MENSA.
TG: whatever i can come over tomorrow morning just give me time to shave and stuff
TT: Why on Earth would you need to shave?
TG: i dont want to be scratchy plus ive heard lesbians arent like huge on the whole facial hair status
TT: Well, that’s…thoughtful, I suppose. But you really should be fine regardless. Kanaya and I really don’t mind.
TT: Just don’t masturbate, tonight. Or tomorrow morning in the shower. It’ll decrease your sperm count.
TG: ugh dont say masturbate ill have bad dreams
TT: Masturbate.
TG: ew no stop
TT: Well, if you’re as potent as you say you are, everything should be over very quickly, and you can masturbate in peace.
TG: hey it wont be over that quickly im not fifteen rose i have stamina
TT: Not necessary information, but thank you.
TG: and kanayas totally cool with this right
TT: Absolutely. She and I are 100% on board. I assure you.
TG: its not going to be like a mandatory sperm party right
TG: because i really dont need any more reasons for her to look at me funny
TG: she still gives me shifty eyes ever since the thing with the jellybeans and that squirrel
TT: Please don’t talk about the squirrel incident.
TG: i maintain that if you keep jellybeans readily available you shouldnt be mad when i use them to the fullest extent
TT: Well, after you finish ejaculating for us, you can have as many jellybeans as your little heart desires.
TG: dude why did you not say that in the first place couldve saved everyone a lot of angst there
TT: What on Earth was I thinking? I should have started off the bat with bribery.
TG: yup do you even know me at all
TG: alright so ill uh see you tomorrow then
TT: Indeed. Feel free to bring any materials or stimulants that’ll make the experience easier for you, if need be.
TG: okay back into weird territory im going now
TT: Bye Dave.
TT: And thanks.
TG: yeah sure no prob i guess
TG: happy to you know get some ladies pregnant
TG: and stuff
TG: okay bye
--tentacleTherapist (TT) ceased pestering turntechGodhead (TG) at 6:27 PM--
You can’t tell if you want to dance in ecstatic little circles or projectile vomit all over your own lap. Six of one, half dozen of the other. It’s almost six thirty, and Kanaya promised she’d be home early, tonight, to either celebrate the good news (in the case of Dave’s acceptance) or brainstorm new ideas (in the case of Dave hearing the request, setting himself on fire, and bunnyhopping into oblivion as the 1812 Overture blared merrily in the distance.) You figure now is as good a time as any to sneak a cigarette in the backyard. You feel guilty for smoking (you told Kanaya you quit years ago), but it’s an infrequent event, and – to be fair – she put you in a fairly stressful situation. Talking about seminal fluids with your neurotic twin was never on your bucket list, to say the very least. The first drag of your Spirit is a little harsh, but the smoke begins to settle with you, and the familiar warmth and weight maps through your chest – bringing with it an innate, almost unwarranted, sense of childhood comfort. The smell of fresh smoke and waning sunshine reminds you of summer nights beneath mosquito netting on your mother’s back porch, sandwiched between your brothers on one sweat-sticky mattress, too hot to sleep inside. Dirk would smoke and tell you bedtime stories as you rubbed your mosquito bitten legs against his in an attempt to keep him awake long enough for just one more story, just one more –
You hear the car door slam shut out front and curse quietly, stubbing the last of your cigarette out in the weird vase Kanaya’s sister gave you two, last Christmas. It’s shaped like a malformed uterus, and is good for hiding things, because neither of you particularly like to look at it. You hop through the screen door and start the shower before Kanaya can come inside, hug you, and try to press her face into your way-too-smoky hair. Just as you step beneath the stream, you hear her call out, softly.
“Rose, I’m home!”
You squirt a thick vein of shampoo into your hair and pretend not to hear her until her voice comes through the bathroom door, again, very soft.
“Is everything okay…?”
“Come in!” You yell over the stream, and there she is, fractured and wobbly through the mottled shower door and the steam. There’s your girl.
You see her blurred outline sit on the toilet and fiddle with the hem of her shirt.
“Did you talk to him?”
You poke your head out the door and give her your biggest, shit-eating grin.
“You’re going to be a mom, Miss Maryam.”
You are not surprised when she pulls you into a ferocious kiss, gripping hard beneath your ear and sliding her tongue between your lips with no preamble, water dribbling down her chin and neck and the front of her blouse.
That’s your girl.