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pain. that is all dirk deserved. the worst sharpest sting to his skin. someone to slowly flay him so he could feel every second of it. but living in itself was painful enough for dirk. so much he barely even let the thought loom his mind anymore.
he had no one. not one soul that would care for him when he felt like this; like a stab in the chest was the only solution. or maybe dirk did, but he hated pestering everyone. hated feeling that he was so selfish he made everyone worry over him like everyone else didn't have their own problems. it would become a daily thing if he ever was to find someone, making the other grow annoyed in only a few quick days. no one would stay with him unless there was something to benefit.
right now was one of these times, dirk curled up on his bed like a pathetic cat missing it's owners. missing the touch of someone so he knew everything was okay. that he was deserving of recovery and love despite everything he had done and experienced. the blanket that surrounded him was his sense of security, imagining it as Jake who had tucked him in, wishing him a better day tomorrow and that he felt better when they both know he wouldn't.
dirk found the tears to hesitate at the thought of Jake, sitting here stroking his hair, whispering his sweet, complex words. that accent that calmed him instantly. he didn't deserve all of the kindness from Jake. Jane or Roxy did. Roxy was the one making an effort to get better.
through all her struggles of stopping alcoholism she had succeeded after a long battle. dirk hated it. not cause he had anything against Roxy but the fact she could do something he couldn't. Roxy tried convincing him before that there was hope but dirk didn't see it. nothing would get better for someone who lingered on the past this bad.
eventually dirk pulled himself together and took a deep, shuddering breath before closing his eyes. the pillow in his arms suddenly had transformed into Jake, comforting dirk. he drifted off to sleep soon, the pitiful thoughts coming to an end. even his own brain treated him like a charity case.