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Remus took his time coming back from the train; he knew it wouldn’t prevent the inevitable, but stalling seemed to be the best option. Rather that than facing his boyfriend, whom he hadn’t spoken to in months. Now, coming back from the pack, without warning Sirius he was leaving, Remus dreaded what would come upon entering their apartment.
After traveling the admittedly short distance, here he was, in front of their cozy apartment in the middle of London. Why did I think this was a good idea? Remus thought to himself, of course, he knew the answer, maybe we could be like we used to back when we were right out of school, maybe if he just left, Sirius would see what he was missing. Unlocking the door, Remus stepped onto the threshold and instantaneously noticed the absent lack of life in the apartment. The lights were off, the record player was dusty and clearly unused, but most of all, the deafening silence. Fuck. Maybe he just isn't home right now, Remus thought to himself, choosing ignorance over the slowly rising panic in his chest. Plodding through the apartment, he switches on the lights and makes his way straight over to their single bedroom and promptly, without so much as removing his shoes, Remus dumped his bag and flopped onto their bed, falling asleep almost instantaneously.
***
Well shit. It had been a week since Remus returned, and he had no idea where Sirius was. No knocking at the door, no phone calls, nothing. As much as Remus wanted to believe that Sirius was unpromptedly traveling for something in the magical world, he would usually be back by now. The alternative. . . no, Remus refused to think that way. Maybe he’s staying with someone else, friends? Maybe even family? Remus figured he’d better start somewhere, so he went over to their home phone and began to dial the first number he could think of, Mary. She didn’t pick up the phone after leaving a very brief voicemail. Remus dialed the next number, Andromeda. He certainly wasn’t familiar with her, but was grateful that she had the technology.
A scratchy voice came through the speaker, “Hello, Sirius? Is that you?”
“Erm, no, sorry, this is his. . . his boyfriend,” Remus responded, uncomfortable, and resisting the urge to fall into his usual habits.
“Oh, well, not to be rude, but where is Sirus then?”
The pit of anxiety in Remus’s stomach reached a whole new level as he processed the implication of her response; she doesn’t know where he is. Shit.
“Well? Where—” Remus hung up the phone.
***
The whisky-spiked tea burned as it went down his throat, but he didn’t care. Sirius was gone. Hell, he may be dead, and yet Remus couldn’t even bring himself to find out. Suddenly, the doorbell rang, startling him out of his half-lucid state the fuck do you want? Remus yelled, not even bothering to get up from his place on the sofa,
“Remus? Is that you? Oh, thank god you’re alive,” Mary’s comforting voice came through the door.
“Jus. . com’in the doorsss unlocked.” Remus slurred, unmoving. The door creaks open, and Mary’s gasp of shock is enough to remind him of what state he’d been living in for the past. . week? Month? Hell, Remus didn’t know anymore. There was trash and empty bottles surrounding him, alongside crumbs from whatever food he could keep down; Remus could only imagine the stench. He was sure it didn't help that he hadn’t showered since he’d left the pack.
“Oh, Remus. . . I assume you’ve heard the news?” Mary's voice was tentative, soft like he was some fucking child.
“The hell do you want?” Remus sat up, furious, “to remind me that the love of my life is missing and probably fucking dead by now?
Mary tilts her head in confusion, “What?”
“Oh, that’s it, isn’t it?” Remus was yelling now, “Look at this sad drunk who can’t even get his fuckin—”
“James Lilly and Harry are dead, Remus. But Sirius is very much still alive, but just barely.”
And Remus’s world began to splinter.
***
Three days later
The bus never stopped near their house. Why would it anyway? Mary squeezed his hand,
“Hey, we can come back another time, whenever you’re ready,” She said gently.
“No.” Remus was done with fear; he had to face what had happened, whether he wanted to or not, especially since Sirius’s life hung in the balance. If only you had been there, none of this would have ever happened; that seemed to be all he believed recently. Even if he knew he had no power to fix any of it, the pit of guilt was always there, waiting for the right time to swallow him whole.
***
The floorboards creaked as Remus entered the house, once so full of life and joy,
suddenly barren of the very things that made it a home. The quiet was so loud it felt like a presence of all those who would never take another breath.
“He’s up here,” Mary whispers, gesturing up the stairs. Taking a deep breath, Remus takes the stairs up to what was Lily and James’s room. The room is dark, even with the afternoon light streaming through the freshly boarded-up windows if it wasn’t for that light, one might not have noticed the body on the floor.
***
Sirius
They’re dead. They're all dead. It’s my fault. I should've done something. I should've fought with tooth and fucking nail to keep them alive. I don’t deserve anything.
***
Remus
The only indication that Sirius was alive was the tears streaking down from his eyes, devoid of feeling. Slowly, Remus crouched down as tears of his own welled in his eyes. Seeing his partner like this made Remus unable to form a coherent thought other than I would do anything to prevent him from being like this ever again. Quickly followed by, If only you had been there, none of this would have ever happened. No. Remus took a deep breath. It wasn’t him who did this. It’s not his fault that they’re dead, but what happens next is on him, and he damned well wasn’t going to leave again.
***
Sirius was in a delirious state the entire way back, looking devoid of any feeling except for a few times where he looked at Remus like he was a ghost. Now resting in their bed at home, Remus couldn’t seem to tear his eyes off the other man.
“How. . . are you feeling?” Remus asked, cringing at the crassness of his comment. The silence stretched.
“How do you think I'm feeling?” Sirius responded barely louder than a whisper. Remus turned, expecting to see rage painted across his face, but was shocked to see a tearful smile.
“I think. . . You’re probably blaming yourself for everything that happened, you feel like you don’t deserve to exist while those closest to you no longer draw breath,—” a choked sob interrupts him, fear jolted through Remus, fearing he had made everything worse, and yet, Sirius didn’t look any sadder. If anything, he looked. . . happy? Or as close to that as possible, suddenly Sirius launched forward, tackling Remus in a crushing hug, sobbing into his shoulder.
“I. . I thought you were dead,” Sirus mumbled, squeezing him tighter still. A fresh wave of guilt washed over Remus,
“God, Sirius. . . I'm so so sorry. I just—” Sirius silenced the other man with a gentle kiss.
“I'm glad you’re alive, my moony.” My moony god, the words were like a balm to Remus’s ever-aching chest. Remus pulled Siruis down to the bed, keeping the man tight to his chest, not wanting this moment to end. He knew that they had a long journey ahead of them, but for now, they could just be.
“I love you, Padfoot,” Remus whispered into his stunning black hair. Remus knew that he could stay here forever if only time let them.
“I love you too, Remus,” Sirius responded quietly, and in that moment, Remus felt as if there was no struggle that they couldn’t overcome together. No matter how much they had and would go through, they would always be there for one another.