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Sit on the balcony to smoke and drink, that’s my nine to five, fuck going to some small grey cube to eat shit and die a little from it everyday. Die a little faster here, smoking and drinking, know it’s bad for me and have to hear him bitch about it all the time, complain about the smoke. Made Abel look at apartments until he found one with a balcony, somewhere for me to sit and drink and smoke, not bothering him with worthless I am.
Can’t fucking fight anymore, nothing to fight here on Earth, nothing but pretty blue skies and crosswalks, green cut lawns and fast moving cars. Faster here than on the colonies, fast like racing through the stars. Get Abel to take me out on his bike sometimes, push him to go faster, fast around the curving road up the hills at night. Won’t let me drive anymore, not since the crash, went too fast and can’t tell him I wanted it, had to say it was an accident, racing through the fucking stars.
He’s the navigator, still gets to drive, I’m the fighter who can’t fight, just sit on a balcony to drink and smoke. Fight my liver and my lungs, bitches don’t stand a chance. Sometimes get so he has to come navigate me anyway, pull me to bed where I’m too drunk to fuck him, can’t even fight in a way that’s good. Hear him make little noises that I hate. Don’t know why he sticks around.
Fight him sometimes too, get confused in a way he can’t stand and I don’t blame him, don’t know why he sticks around. Bruised his face up once. Had to say it was an accident, don’t know if anyone believed him, everyone looking at me like I hate. Didn’t mean to, not sure he believed me either, had to leave for a few days until he panicked, got so scared, hate seeing him like that, couldn’t stand his voice leaving me messages, begging at me to come home. Guess he gets to be home now. Don’t have anywhere else to go, don’t know why he stays.
Drink so I can get stupid, so I won’t have any stupid dreams. Don’t want to wake up him crying all bruised up, me fighting at him in my sleep, not asleep because it’s bright fucking daylight. Just going out of my head, trying to fight everything, trying to keep him safe but I’m what’s hurting him. Can’t stand the way it is, can’t stand to leave, can’t stand to see him go, don’t know why he stays but so fucking glad he does. Can’t tell him that since he needs to leave and we both know it.
Think I’m there sometimes, think I’m still seeing him get hurt. It’s smoke and screaming, blood and bone, leg twisted up so it’ll never be okay afterward, nothing’s ever okay after that. Bastards got him, hurting him, I gotta get up and fight but I can’t. Can’t fight anymore, war’s over. Just gotta sit here and smoke, drink, wait for him to come home because I guess I’m home now, guess he doesn’t have anywhere else to go. He needs a fighter and all he’s got is me.