Archive of Our Own

August 2017

‘And so, please would you all raise your glasses to my wonderful ‘partner in crime,’ ha ha!… to my fiancée Robin!’

‘Congratulations!’ cheered the guests, who had gathered in the large reserved space in the basement of Middle Of The Road, a trendy cocktail bar on Frith Street. 

‘And’, added Ryan, his mocktail held aloft, ‘we very much hope that you will be able to join us at our next party..Not another engagement party -  A housewarming one! Robin and I have finally had an offer accepted on a house! Date and time to be confirmed, we shall want to do some redecorating first! 

Robin dimly registered the applause from her family and friends. She scanned the gathering - there were plenty of beaming smiles, including from her mum and dad, and a thumbs up from Midge. Pat, Dennis and Ilsa applauded politely - but Nick, stood next to his wife, had a deep frown plastered on his face, arms folded, and seemed to want to be anywhere else. Ryan’s parents and sister were also there, along with a smattering of his work colleagues. Robin wondered how many of Ryan’s work mates had come under duress.. And then had the same thought about her own team members.. Were they genuinely happy for her, or did they feel attendance was required to enhance their career prospects? 

In truth though, there was only one person that Robin was searching for.. But of course, he wasn’t there. In the four months that had passed since ‘The Evening Of Proposals’, as Robin had internally named it, the friendship between the two partners of the Strike & Ellacott Detective Agency had disintegrated into ashes.  

Robin, shocked and confused by what had happened in the stairwell in Denmark Street, had found herself accepting Ryan’s proposal in the illustrious surroundings of the Ritz. The irony was, she had reflected in the days afterwards - she had resolved, as she was packing up her things in the office that afternoon, to stop any proposal in its tracks. She had no desire to embarrass Ryan, but she could not have been clearer to him that she was not in a position to make any long term decisions about their future, given his drinking relapse. The plan she had started to formulate was to bring up the fact that his intention to propose had got back to her via the grapevine as soon as she sat down for the meal, and to calmly and airily state that now is the time to celebrate his birthday, the future could be discussed another time. 

However, she had arrived at the Ritz in such a discombobulated state, running in fifteen minutes late, that her carefully resolved plans crumbled. Ryan had clearly been full of nervous energy too, because the ring had appeared on the table before the starters had even been served. Robin felt as if she was watching herself from outside her body, as she smiled and allowed Ryan to slip the ring onto her finger, to the applause of the guests around them. 

She had accepted the proposal purely to avoid causing a scene in public, as well as safeguard Ryan’s mental health. She could not take any more drama that evening. It would be much easier to accept now, and then backtrack in private at a later date, when she could be more certain that her action wouldn’t topple Ryan off the wagon… 

Robin had entered the office on the following Monday morning, sporting her new engagement ring. Midge and Pat had clocked it immediately. The noise brought Strike through from the inner office - a swift glance at her left hand for confirmation, he had then immediately excused himself from the planned partners’ meeting, citing a forgotten previous engagement, left the office, and was not heard from again until the Wednesday afternoon.  

From that moment onwards, all communication between the agency owners that was not strictly business related had ceased. They had never referenced their conversation in the stairwell, and in fact had barely been in the office together at the same time, the rotas being arranged by Strike, with Pat’s connivance, Robin realised with chagrin, to minimise their crossover.  

He doesn’t seem keen to restart the conversation - well, I’m certainly not going to. 

In her more angry moments, Robin internally accused Strike of being cruel, punishing her for the decision to marry Ryan, but she knew she wasn’t being fair. He wasn’t being cruel, he wasn’t giving her the silent treatment. He was simply guarded, professional, a respectful business partner - nothing less.. And certainly nothing more. 

And of course, Ryan’s behaviour had been impeccable, giving Robin no easy exit.  Linda was delighted by the proposal (which she had known was coming, having been forewarned by Ryan), and before Robin knew it, she was discussing venues and looking at more houses, and had stoically accepted her fate. 

About a month after her engagement, Strike suddenly announced he was taking two weeks of annual leave, effectively immediately. No further details were provided. He returned with a healthy tan, and a change in his demeanour - calmer, more confident, as if he was more at peace with himself - but with a result that the distance between them was greater than ever. Where had he been? And who with? Bijou? Madeline? 

No doubt he’s found himself a new shag already. I didn’t expect to be proven right quite so quickly. Anyway, it’s not my business anymore.. It never was. 

It was better this way, Robin had decided in the weeks afterwards. It was excruciatingly painful, losing the most meaningful friendship of her life.. But over time maybe they would be able to rekindle something close to fondness. And the agency was still the most important thing to her. The risk of losing everything, if they tried to be in a relationship and it failed, was too great. Given how awful she had felt in the last few weeks, she could not imagine the absolute agony of a short lived relationship and a messy breakup. 

Ryan was kind, Ryan was a good man who did not deserve to be treated poorly, and she could.. would.. be happy with him. 

And no-one needed to know that once a week  she took a very long shower, the sound of the pulsating water best placed to hide her sobs. It had previously been every day, so she was making progress. 

So, HE hadn’t come to the party. What had she expected? Robin noticed that Eric Wardle wasn’t there either - again, not a surprise. She didn’t understand why, but Eric became extremely cool whenever Ryan was mentioned in the office. Perhaps they had taken themselves off to a pub, a more familiar and comforting environment than this somewhat kitsch cocktail bar, chosen because Ryan’s mother had raved about its retro ambiance, 70s easy listening playing in the background. 

Taking a long sip of her Espresso Martini, Robin walked to the side of the room. She hated being the centre of attention at the best of times, but especially so tonight - with the added concern that her situation had become fodder for gossip. The agency team had been professional, but there was no way that the coolness between the two business owners could have been missed. She had spotted Midge and Sam exchanging glances during the most recent team meeting, whilst herself and Strike had spoken in overly polite, clipped terms to each other. 

As far as she was aware, the only people in the world who knew about the two proposals were herself and Cormoran - but with a sudden jolt, she realised that Nick and Ilsa probably knew too. This was the first time she had seen Ilsa since her engagement - a perfunctory ‘Congratulations!’ text message the only correspondence from her in the past few months. No invitations to curry nights had been forthcoming. Robin was surprised, but pleasantly so, that they had come to the party. She headed over to their booth, off in the opposite corner of the dark room. Chatting with them would be eminently preferable to the inevitable wedding planning questions she was getting from everyone else.

‘Hi guys, it’s lovely to see you both. Can I sit down with you?’

‘Of course, Robin’ Ilsa said, shuffling around the booth. Nick kept quiet and avoided Robin’s eye. They all sat in silence for a few moments, the women sipping their cocktails, Nick his beer.

‘So… how’s the wedding planning going.. Got a date yet?’

Bugger.

‘Er, not yet, but we’ve narrowed it down to a few venues.. In London, I don’t think Masham can stand another Ellacott wedding’ Robin quipped. Neither of her guests laughed. ‘I think it will probably be sometime next year.’

‘Anyway, enough about that… tell me, how’s my gorgeous god son doing?’

‘Oh, you’ve remembered his existence’ muttered Nick, sotto voce, earning a sharp elbow in the ribs from Ilsa. Robin internally flinched . It was a valid dig. She couldn’t remember the last time she had seen Benji. 

‘Oh he’s doing brilliantly Robin.. He’s starting to talk properly now, and his walking is coming along well too.. It was much easier when I put him down in one place and knew he would stay there! Hang on, I have some pics I can bore you with.’

Ilsa got out her phone and pulled up an album, passing it to Robin to flick through. There was Benji, naked except for a giant sun hat, digging in the sand on a golden beach.. Bobbing up and down in a pool, held by Nick.. sitting in a high chair, a plate of spaghetti in front of him.. And then another photo, Benji napping on the chest of a large man, himself fast asleep on a sun lounger, his arms protectively around the child… Robin swiped again.. Another photo of Benji, in pyjamas and snuggled up against the same man, attentive as he read a storybook to him, both unaware of the camera. Robin felt a shock pass through her body and her heart began to race. 

‘When…when were these taken?’

‘Lanzarote, back in May. When we went with Corm.’

‘I… I didn’t know.’

Ilsa and Nick exchanged a dark look.

‘Oh.. sorry Robin, I didn’t realise he hadn’t mentioned it. Yes, we invited Corm to come with us on our holiday, we had a spare room in the villa.’

‘We felt he needed a change of scenery’ piped up Nick. ‘After.. You know.’ He gestured towards Robin’s left hand. 

Robin just sat, numb with shock. So that’s where he went for those two weeks in May. Not shagging a new girlfriend. On a family holiday with his.. Their, god son. 

Ilsa’s phone started to ring. ‘Oh no… I had a feeling this would happen.’  She answered, and Robin listened to the brief, one sided conversation. 

‘I’ll call you back in a couple of minutes, I just need to get outside, it’s too noisy here’. She hung up.

“I’m so sorry Robin.. We have a massive case starting in court on Monday, and I left my paralegal finalising the bundle, but they are having some problems. I just need to have a call with them, I will be back as soon as I can.’ Ilsa pushed herself out of the booth, giving Nick a look which very much appeared to Robin as ‘Behave, or else’.

Robin felt supremely uneasy being left alone with Nick. He was emanating waves of.. not dislike, exactly, but disapproval at least.. completely at odds with his normally genial manner. Robin was aware that the sensible course of action would be to politely thank him for coming and move away to some more enthusiastic guest. However, the cocktails were making Robin a little reckless… and with more than a little self-flagellation, she decided to continue the conversation.

‘So, how was Lanzarote?’

‘Yeah, it was a nice trip. Peaceful. We had a lot of good chats, putting the world to rights. And thanks to Uncle Corm, Ilsa and I had a few evenings out.’

‘Cormoran? Babysitting?!’

“Why not? He’s pretty good actually, now Benji is a bit older. Maybe not the best with a nappy, but Uncle Corm tells a good bedtime story.’

Robin’s heart clenched again. 

“How.. how is he, Nick?’

Nick shot her a sideways glance, no longer pretending to be polite. ‘Why in the world do you care?’

‘Of course I care!’ Robin hissed at him. ‘I’m not a complete monster.’  Nick responded by snorting into his beer.

‘You could have fooled me Robin.’

‘And what the hell’s that supposed to mean?’

‘Sorry.. Sorry. It’s not really the place for this conversation is it?’ Nick looked around at the room, full of Robin’s friends and family. ‘ We’re here to celebrate with you and Ryan’.

‘Screw that, Nick. Why are you so angry with me? Because I’ve chosen Ryan?’

Robin was well aware that Nick and herself had never had any conversations about her love life and what she may, or may not, feel about her business partner. However, she was also well aware that spouses talk, and no doubt Ilsa had given him the full run down over the years. No need for coyness now.

Nick hesitated, aware that his aggression was perhaps misplaced. ‘No.. not really.. It’s not about Ryan. You have the right to decide who you love, and who you don’t love (Robin’s heart skipped another beat).. But you could have chosen to be a better friend to Cormoran.. Instead.. Well, in all honesty Robin, I think you’ve been a bit of a dick to him in the last year or so.’

Robin was shocked by Nick’s words. 

‘It’s been a pretty tough year for me Nick. That cult affected me more than I ever realised.. Until recently anyway.. I’m getting help for it.’

Robin didn’t feel able to elaborate.. The night terrors, dreams of being trapped in a box, of drowning…  the paralysing indecision that had plagued her since, before she even began to confront the maelstrom of emotions that had been unleashed by Strike’s stairwell confession. Pru’s recommended therapist was making good progress with her, but it was still early days, with focus on the fall out from Chapman Farm.. Funnily enough Robin had not yet felt able to explain ‘I was secretly in love with my business partner and he proposed to me, but I got engaged to someone else anyway’. 

Nick looked abashed, but determined to say his piece. 

‘Good, I’m glad you’re getting help.. but Oggy’s not exactly had an easy time recently either. And that seems to have entirely passed you by.’

‘What exactly do you mean?’

‘Where do you want to start? He blamed himself for Charlotte dying.. Totally not his fault, but as always he thinks he’s responsible for her and missed the chance to save her. 

Then Ted died.. That affected him far, far more than I had realised, until we talked about it on holiday. He then felt guilty for all the times he put work in front of spending time with Ted, all the invitations to Lucy’s that he avoided because of the agency. He was devastated that Ted never got to meet you.’

Robin wanted to ask why, but Nick continued on. 

‘And then the last few months he’s been bombarded by the newspapers making up blatantly untrue stories, together with the Bijou mess.. It’s enough to break anyone. 

And of course, on top of all this, he’s driving himself towards meltdown trying to work out how to tell you how he feels about you, or even if he should, given that you had rejected him twice already.’

There was so much to unpack in Nick’s diatribe… too much in fact, that Robin didn’t even know where to begin. She therefore decided to ignore all of the more difficult, personal areas, and instead chose to go on the attack:

‘The newspaper mess was entirely of his own making.’

‘No Robin, I’m not having that’ Nick responded sharply. 

‘I know that Oggy has kept your name and photos out of the papers whenever possible, and I know that it helps the Agency for you to be, what’s the phrase?  Incognito. But there’s another reason he’s done it. He doesn’t want you having to deal with the shit that he has to. Thanks to his mother and father, he IS the story. Anything he does becomes newsworthy, and as your reputations have grown - and you have pissed off  people in high places - it’s now almost inevitable that stories are going to appear about you, and who even cares if they are true? Look at the Bijou mess..’

‘I’d rather think about anything else’.

‘But that’s my point. It was a brief, mutually beneficial and consensual relationship, where Oggy practised safe sex and from what he told me Bijou was always confident the baby wasn’t his. This kind of thing happens day in, day out.  But thanks to Bijou’s loud mouth and a hostile journalist, look what damage it caused you.’

“Thanks to Rokeby it didn’t cause any damage.’

‘Oh yes it did… the press coverage may have died out, but it caused a lot of grief before his dad could solve it.. But presumably you were supporting your best mate through all this turmoil?’

Robin squirmed.  “He never really told me about it until it was all over.’

‘But you DID know Robin. Thanks to your sneakiness with Ilsa, you knew everything. I don’t think she has forgiven you about that yet, by the way. And therefore, presumably you helped him out, even if you didn’t let on that you knew exactly what was going on?’

Robin thought back to that time… supportive?  In the few minutes after finding out about Bijou she had sent Strike a passive aggressive email cancelling their planned trip to Scotland, and announcing that she was moving in with Ryan. 

‘No, I was the textbook definition of unsupportive’ she said meekly. 

Nick nodded in acknowledgement, and sipped his beer. ‘It could just as easily have been you, if you were the bigger news story.’ Nick held up his arms and made air quotes: ‘‘Sexy sleuth Robin Ellacott - sleeping with CID officer for Met inside info?’’

‘Hey’ Robin said angrily, ‘that’s unfair!’

‘Of course it is, but the press don’t care about the truth do they?’ 

Nick glanced at her: 

‘Oh, we talked about all this in Lanzarote... Corm now knows that you were aware of the Bijou thing the whole time’. 

Robin downed the rest of her cocktail, horrified. 

Nick pressed on, 

‘Ilsa told me that you called her, asking if Corm ever hit Charlotte. That you would leave the agency if he had. You actually believed that Corm was a wife-beater? The man you have worked side by side with for seven years.. The man that you know better than I do..who has never given you any reason to doubt his integrity.. And you believe a prick like Valentine?

Honestly Robin.. With friends like you, who needs enemies?’

Tears sparkled in Robin’s eyes, and Nick softened somewhat. 

‘Sorry.. It’s just… Life just kicks him in the balls constantly. Awful childhood, negligent mum. Picks up a batshit girlfriend along the way.  Things are looking up when he joins the army, only for him to nearly die and get invalided out. 

Then he starts the Agency.. And, thanks to you, finally something in his life goes right. But he made the mistake of falling in love with you, and now the one area of his life that he hoped could be settled has been fucked up even more than it was when he finished with Charlotte. The poor bloke can’t catch a break.’

Ignoring the icy feeling in the pit of her stomach hearing Nick describe Strike’s feelings for her as a ‘mistake’, Robin asked, without really wanting to hear the answer:

‘You.. you didn’t tell Cormoran that I had asked if he hit Charlotte?’

“I did, actually. In Lanzarote. ’

The tears in Robin’s eyes fell in earnest now. She quickly dabbed them away, grateful for the low lighting and busy atmosphere of the bar, meaning that her distress was unnoticed by anyone but Nick. What must Cormoran think of her? 

Robin angrily rounded on Nick. ‘Are you and Ilsa just trying to ensure that he hates me? Is that your game plan?’

Nick shook his head. ‘No, of course we don’t want you to hate each other. But he thinks.. thought.. that the sun shines out of your arse, that you could do no wrong. That needed correcting.  Honestly, it was like HE was in a cult.. His faith in you was unshakeable, even when you seemed to despise him.’

Always some delusion in love, isn’t there. 

‘I have NEVER acted that way towards him!’

‘According to him there were so many times where you would suddenly act all frosty with him, and he didn’t even know what he had done wrong. He was always so grateful when you suddenly warmed up again that he never analysed whether or not he deserved that treatment in the first place. That kind of behaviour is abusive, and right out of the Charlotte playbook. I guess he never knew any better.’

Robin thought back over the years.. The way she had treated him in Ironbridge… The way she had accepted apologies from Ryan and ignored them from Cormoran… giving him the silent treatment when she found out about Madeline. Was she really no better than Charlotte? The thought appalled her. 

Robin continued to dab at her eyes. She and Nick fell silent for a few moments, and instead she listened to the music wafting over the venue. The rich voice of Karen Carpenter permeated her brain:

I know your image of me is what I hope to be

I've treated you unkindly

But darlin' can't you see?

There's no one more important to me

Darlin' can't you please see through me?

'Cause we're alone now

And I'm singing this song for you

Robin reflected, for perhaps the first time, on her behaviour towards Strike since leaving Chapman Farm. She knew that she had legitimate reasons for struggling, but she HAD treated him unkindly, and potentially for far longer than she even consciously realised. She closed her eyes and let the lyrics wash over her: 

I love you in place where there's no space or time

I love you for in my life you are a friend of mine

And when my life is over remember when we were together

We were alone and I was singing this song for you

Remember when we were together… except we weren’t. Ever. We’ve never even.. 

Determined to gain a modicum of composure, Robin walked over the bar, bringing back another beer and martini back to their booth. She glanced over at Ryan.. he was chatting away to his sister. 

Back to her favourite topic.

‘So is Uncle Corm babysitting tonight?

‘No, he’s, er, out on a date actually.’ Nick had the good grace to look sheepish. 

Shit.  

‘I’ve set him up with a colleague - a doctor in the oncology team.’

‘Has it been going on long?’ Robin knew it was none of her business, but she felt compelled to ask. 

‘Oh no, it’s a first date. He was incredibly reluctant, but I persuaded him to give it a go and he agreed, once he realised he needed an excuse not to attend your engagement party.. Abi is a nice woman, she’ll be good for him I think.’ Nick looked her in the eye. ‘He deserves someone in his life who makes him happy.’

‘He does.’ Robin had no argument there. 

Nick continued.. ‘He’s spent time with Jack too, taking him to museums.  He’s seen his dad a couple of times too.. Just round for dinner with Pru, but it seems to be going well. 

Don’t worry about him Robin… Corm’s got a lot of people loving him,  looking out for him, making sure he knows he’s loved.' 

Robin sat back in the booth, looking around at her fiancé, his family, and all her family and friends who had taken time out of their busy lives to celebrate with her. The only person missing was the one she wanted to be with above all else. The one she loved. The realisation hit her like a physical jolt. 

‘I’m one of them’.

Nick didn’t gauge her meaning. ‘I know you are, and eventually I’m sure your friendship will get back on track.’

‘No, I mean… I do love him. I am in love with him.’

‘What??’ Nick was sure he had misheard. 

It felt SO GOOD to say it out loud. But why was it happening at her engagement party to another man? 

‘I.. I am in love with him Nick. I’ve tried so hard to fall out of love with him. But it’s not worked.’

If the subject of conversation had not been so serious, Robin would have laughed at the expression on Nick’s face - the cartoon stereotype of open mouthed shock.

‘You are bloody joking!!’

Robin shook her head. Nick looked around.

‘What the hell are we doing here then Robin?!’

‘I don’t know… I’m guessing you and Ilsa know what happened on the day I got engaged to Ryan.’

‘Yes.. he told us. God, what a shitshow!’ 

‘I love him.. But I just can’t risk it Nick.. even if I wasn’t already with Ryan, I can’t risk getting together with Cormoran for him to just get bored with me after a few months. I don’t want to be just another notch on his bedpost. I can’t risk the agency’s future. It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and if I could only have the agency, or Cormoran, I would choose the agency every time. And I think he would say the same. 

‘But Robin, you know you wouldn’t be another ‘notch on his bedpost’. He told you he loved you.’ 

‘He probably says that to all of his girlfriends to keep them sweet.’

For the first time since the conversation started, Nick looked truly angry.

‘You really do have the lowest opinion of him, don’t you?’

‘What do you mean?’ Robin was shocked by the vehemence in Nick’s voice.

‘As far as I know, Oggy has never once told a woman that he loves her unless he genuinely meant it. He may keep his cards close to his chest, but he doesn’t lie about the big stuff. Can you honestly say the same?’

Robin reddened, thinking of the now numerous times she had told Ryan she loved him.

‘Why did he do it now Nick? Why wait so long?’

‘You aren’t a character in a Jane Austen novel Robin.. Why didn’t you say anything to him?  You have free will, you know. You honestly think that my wife didn’t tell me about your chat about liking Oggy the MOMENT she got home? That place with the champagne button. You admitted you liked him years ago. So why did you do anything about it?’

‘Well, I couldn’t, he was with Madeline.. I couldn’t say anything. ‘

‘Right.. So you couldn’t say anything when he was with Madeline, but around the same time you got together with Ryan and you expected him to take the lead and tell you how he felt about you, yet again.’

‘Yet again? What do you mean?’

Nick sighed.

‘Robin, come on. He bought you perfume for your 30th and TOOK YOU TO THE RITZ. And when he tried to kiss you, you gave him a look of repulsion and pretended it never happened’

‘I wasn’t repulsed, I..’

‘And then, when he’s finally plucked up the courage after that rejection to try again to tell you that he has feelings for you, albeit a bit cackhandedly,  you literally run out of the office and never mention it again.’ 

‘Well, he really wasn’t clear about..’

‘And then he makes a proper effort with that charm bracelet, really tries to show you how important you are to him,  and is rewarded by you giving him the cold shoulder for weeks just because Bijou bloody Watkins is trying to shit stir and then you accuse him of being a wife-beater.’

‘It was a stressful time, I wasn’t thinking clearly..’

‘And THEN, he finally bites the bullet and tells you how he feels, and instead of letting him down gently you just accuse him of being manipulative.. I think the exact words you used were  “I don’t believe you… You’re insane.’’

Robin had no answer to this, dismayed at the spin Nick had put on her reactions to Strike’s advances. But she couldn’t deny their logical conclusion. 

‘I admit.. I’ve spent so much time worrying about my feelings for him I hadn’t really thought about how my reactions may have been interpreted.’

Nick laughed. ‘Don’t worry Robin, there’s not a chance in hell that he is ever going to express his feelings to you again. I can guarantee that he has no intention of putting himself through such a humiliating experience.’

Robin downed the rest of her cocktail. They were slipping down quite easily. 

In for a penny, in for a pound. ‘There’s another reason, a big one, why I’ve stayed with Ryan. It’s very personal, but.. Well, you will understand. I found out that I will need IVF to have any chance of having a child. I don’t even know if I want one.. But I do know that if I decide I do, Ryan is my best chance. He’s desperate to start a family.. Can you really picture Cormoran as a family man? If I leave Ryan, I am likely giving up any chance I have to be a mum.. And I don’t know if I can do that.’’

Nick pondered thoughtfully. ‘It’s true, Cormoran has never given any indication that he wants a family. But given his only long term relationship was with Charlotte, who can blame him?’

‘He seemed pretty delighted when Bijou sent through the DNA results.’

‘Would YOU want to be saddled with co-parenting with Bijou for the rest of your life?’

Robin chuckled.. She thought about their conversation on the way to Ipswich.. He had categorically stated he would steer clear of inappropriate women.. He hadn’t implied he would abandon a child. 

‘To be fair Robin, that’s the best reason you’ve given tonight for not being with Corm. But, I can say this. IVF is hard, I mean, really hard. It nearly broke Ilsa and me.. Well, I nearly broke Ilsa and me,’ he added sadly.. ‘And even now we have Benji, it’s tough on our marriage. If you and Ryan don’t have the strongest relationship, please don’t put yourselves through IVF. It will only end in disaster.’ 

Robin sat silently. She couldn’t deny the truth of Nick’s words. 

‘Why are we here Robin?’ Nick repeated.’ If you love Cormoran, why in the world did you agree to marry Ryan? ‘

‘Ryan is.. He’s less strong than he appears. I’ve been worried about his health if I ended things with him. It would break his heart.’

‘Right.. So because Cormoran is resilient, he gets treated like crap. Seems fair.’

‘And my mum.. she’s been through so much lately, what with Dirk, and Martin’s problems. I didn’t want to add to her burden by causing another drama. She really gets on with Ryan, she loves him.’

‘Let her marry him then!’

Robin gave the first genuine laugh of the evening. 

‘And.. god this is embarrassing.. I didn’t want Matt to have been right. He always accused me of having feelings for Cormoran. When I bumped into him in the pub last Christmas he said that he always thought we would end up together.’ 

‘Wow Robin, you take stubbornness to whole new levels! ‘

Nick sat back in his chair.. ‘I suppose we should be blaming my wife for this mess. If she hadn't encouraged you to date Ryan, what would have happened? Oh, she admitted that to Corm whilst in Lanzarote too, so we’re kind of even.’

Robin didn’t have an answer to Nick’s question, so instead, replied ‘And, I would like to add, she is the person who introduced Cormoran to Bijou.’

‘A valid point. And to be fair, if you want to trace back all of this mess, it’s Corm’s fault for starting up with Madeline, just because you had a holiday fling.’

‘A holiday fling, what in the world are you talking about??’

Nick looked at her.. ‘In Switzerland, you had a holiday fling? The only reason Corm ended up with Madeline, otherwise known by Ilsa as ‘Pound Shop Robin’, was because one of your contractors told him that you were having a holiday romance on that ski trip.. It made him so jealous he thought ‘fuck it’ and went in for a New Year’s snog.’

Midge. For fuck’s sake. Robin pictured in her mind’s eye a distant tower, surrounded by a crocodile infested moat, where Midge and Ilsa could be locked without any electronic devices, unable to unleash havoc with their gossipy ways. 

Nick clearly feeling he had overstepped, brought the conversation back onto safer ground: 

‘What do YOU want, Robin? Imagine that whatever decision you made, the whole world would be delighted with it.. There would be no negative consequences. The agency flourishes whatever you choose. Your mum is so happy about your relationship with Cormoran she throws a party. Corm is so pleased that you are marrying Ryan he offers to be your Matron of Honour. You tell all of them that in fact you’ve decided to do a Julie Andrews and join a convent, and they help you pack. What do you want, in that situation?’

Robin laughed, and then closed her eyes, to block out the view of the people around her, lest they influence her thoughts.  The answer floated up into her mind immediately. 

‘Cormoran. I just want Cormoran. In whatever capacity he is prepared to have me.. Even if that is just as friends, even if it’s too late for anything else’. Trying to inject some levity into what had turned out to be the most serious of conversations, Robin added, ‘Although him and me on a tropical island with nothing but a hammock, a bottle of rum and some...’

‘Yeah yeah OK.. as the ‘youth’ would say, ‘TMI’… Robin,’  Nick added.. ‘You just need to talk to him… I genuinely don’t know what his reaction will be, I may have done too good a job of deprogramming him… but the only way to find out is to talk to him.’

Robin looked around the room. “Yes, you’re right. I will talk to him soon.’ 

‘Right - let’s go now.’

‘NOW?? In the middle of my own bloody engagement party?!”

“No time like the present!’ Nick grabbed her hand. ‘Come on, I reckon we could be missed for twenty minutes.’

As if her feet belonged to someone else, Robin stood up and let Nick lead her across the room and out the front door of the bar. Ryan, regaling Linda with a story, did not notice. In fact, the only person to spot their escape was Pat.

With a quick wave at a thoroughly bemused Ilsa, pacing the pavement on her phone call, Nick continued to guide Robin towards Denmark Street. Neither said anything - Robin’s mind had frozen in shock at what was happening. 

As they reached the end of Denmark Street, Nick spoke:

‘Just out of curiosity Robin, and you don’t have to answer this if you don’t want to…. If he says no, it’s too late, what are you going to do about Ryan?’

Robin slowed her pace as she pondered this. ‘Honestly? I will probably stay with him. If I can’t have Cormoran then I’m not sure I can do any better than Ryan. And I will still have the chance of having a family, if it’s what I end up wanting’. 

If you can’t get what you want, you take what you can get.

Nick looked like he had something to say about Robin’s answer, but kept his mouth shut. 

All too quickly they had reached the main door of their building. Robin suddenly stopped, her hand on the outer door. 

‘Nick - what if he’s on the date? What if he’s.. He’s brought her back?’ The thought dismayed Robin.

That scenario didn’t appear to have occurred to Nick. He looked troubled for a moment, and then shrugged his shoulders ‘Oh well, only one way to find out’.

They both climbed the stairs.. The very stairs where Strike had shouted his proposal, what now felt like a lifetime ago. Robin’s legs had turned to jelly, and she could hear her blood pounding in her ears. 

As they climbed further, past the office door, up to Strike’s flat, Robin could hear a man and woman laughing. Robin looked around in horror, but Nick just continued, still holding Robin’s hand, and knocked loudly on the door.

After the briefest of pauses, the two voices instantly disappeared, as if a television had been turned off. A moment later the door was opened by Strike, looking, in Robin’s opinion, gorgeous in a new suit and shirt that she didn’t recognise, and holding a beer. He looked thoroughly confused at the unlikeliest of knockers on his door. 

‘What’s going on? What’s happened?’ His penetrating gaze fixed itself upon Robin for the first time in months: ‘Robin, are you OK?’. The concern in his eyes took her breath away. 

‘Robin needs to speak to you, urgently’ said a grinning Nick, pushing Robin forward. ‘Robin, I will wait on the landing downstairs, if you are not back with me within five minutes I will come and get you. See you later, Oggy!’.

Ushered in by Strike, Robin stepped into his flat and closed the door. 

XXXX

April 2018 

“What are you thinking?”

Robin glanced at the leaflets on her lap, as the taxi sped away from the fertility clinic. Explanations on the egg harvesting process, options for egg donations. She didn’t want to look at them now - reading in the car made her feel queasy. 

She looked over at her fiancé, whose expression was hard to read. Time for honesty. She was getting better at it these days. 

“It’s a lot to take in.. I thought having the appointment would help to clarify my feelings.. But it hasn’t. I still don’t know what I want to do.. I’m so sorry.” She looked anguished. 

He smiled, and squeezed her hand. ‘Robin, it’s fine, really. I meant what I said.. I would love to start a family with you, but ultimately it has to be your decision, it’s your body. Either way, I’m not going anywhere. This will never be a deal breaker for me. You know that right?’

Robin looked into his warm eyes, and knew he was telling the truth. She nodded. They sat in silence for a few minutes, holding hands, each lost in their own thoughts, until the taxi pulled up. 

‘Ah, we’re there.. And this appointment I AM sure about’.  Robin had intended the comment as a flippant joke, but as she looked over at her fiancé, she registered the wariness in his eyes. He still isn’t sure about me. I have caused that. Still some work to do. 

They paid the taxi driver and walked through the non-descript door, up to the reception desk of the Register Office. 

‘Good morning - We have a notice of marriage appointment at 11:45. Robin Ellacott and Cormoran Strike’.