Chapter Text
The city lights shone brightly on the freezing night of the last day of the year. Penelope Featherington had been wandering for hours ,through the crowded streets of London, tears streaming endlessly down her cheeks frozen by the cold.
➖️➖️➖️
Penelope hoped that the coming year, would be prosperous professionally and also hoped that her romantic life would progress. She had high hopes that the upcoming year would finally become a bride. Her hopes stemmed from the fact that she had found the engagement ring that her boyfriend, whom she had been with for a year, had hidden in the drawer of their bedroom dresser.
She was looking for one of his large, comfortable T-shirts to wear when a small emerald green velvet box appeared from under his clothes. She couldn’t resist picking up the box and opening it. An engagement ring of white gold, with a yellow stone in the center, sparkled against the black interior of the box.
She had tried to stay calm that day; she didn’t want to ruin Alfred’s surprise. She had concluded that he was the right one for her. He was a simple vegan biologist, who spent his time in the laboratory searching for new cellular organisms—or as he called them. Their conversations bored Penelope to death. She didn’t care about his biological discoveries, just as he didn’t care about what she wrote.
Yet he was the only one who had ever given her a shred of attention and love, and she believed that was all she deserved. Her mother had made sure to destroy her self-esteem when she was little.
On the last day of the year, Penelope stayed at work a few hours past schedule, finishing all her obligations for the ending year. She had informed her boyfriend that she would be late for a few hours, assuring him she would arrive home in time for the New Year’s Eve dinner at his parents’ house. The dress was ready, just a hot bath and simple evening makeup remained .
When she opened the door to her apartment, she tripped over a pair of shoes thrown haphazardly on the hallway floor. The apartment was much darker than usual, as if no one were home. Penelope felt deep down that something was wrong. She turned on the hallway light and saw the shoes she had just stumbled over: a pair of black stiletto heels lying at her feet, as if whoever had taken them off had been in a hurry. Her blood ran cold when, a few steps toward their bedroom, she noticed a fur coat hanging from the lampstand that her mother had gifted her when she bought the apartment.
Realizing what she would find in the bedroom she shared with her boyfriend left her nearly breathless. The shoes were not hers, the size was too big, and neither was the fur coat. Her boyfriend had told her that he did not tolerate killing wild animals for our pleasure. “What a hypocrite,” she thought. He had lectured her about protecting wildlife and the ecosystem… Her thoughts were interrupted by small giggles and murmurs coming from their bedroom. She wasn’t ready for this; she had known from the moment she saw the shoes at the door. She knew that if she opened the bedroom door, the man who was supposed to be her fiancé would be with another woman. He had betrayed her in their home, in the bedroom they shared . This broke Penelope’s heart, yet she gathered her courage, stepped forward, and opened the bedroom door forcefully.
There, her boyfriend Alfred Debling was passionately making love to his lab colleague, whom Penelope had met only once. A tall, arrogant blonde, with legs like stilts and the stature of a model. She was convinced she would kill them both; it was the last drop of humiliation she would ever endure in this life.
“Bastard! How could you?”
Debling jumped out of bed, wrapping the sheet around his body, trying to shield himself from Penelope’s fury.
“Penny, please, I can explain. It was just supposed to be tea, I don’t know what happened.”
Ceesida, Penelope remembered that was the blonde’s name, hurriedly put on her shirt, watching terrified at the argument between the two.
“Don’t you know what happened? Were you amnesiac when you decided to bury your dick in her?”
“My love, please. Let’s talk, preferably alone.”
Cresida got out of bed, pulling on her skirt in a hurry, trying to slip behind them. But Alfred kept talking nonstop.
“It meant nothing to me, I swear, it was just an affair, a fleeting moment. Nothing more.”
“Nothing more?” Cresida asked, a mocking, arrogant laugh escaping her lips.
“My dear, we’ve been seeing each other for months. You said we would get married, you proposed,” she said, showing the engagement ring on her ring finger. The same ring Penelope had found in the emerald green box in his drawer.
Penelope felt she could faint at any moment. Her pulse was pounding in her ears, her heart was racing, and her head was spinning.
“Out!” she whispered . “OUT OF MY HOUSE!” Her shout made the two betrayers flinch. Cresida slipped behind her and left the apartment in a hurry.
“Penny, I can’t leave without my things. I need to gather them. Let me collect just the important ones; you can throw the rest away.”
It seemed her treacherous boyfriend knew her well enough. If he hadn’t gathered his things that night, everything would have gone in the trash. Because Penelope could not stand lies, nor betrayal. This was why she had lost touch with the most important people in her life: Colin and Eloise.
“You have one hour. After an hour, when I return, I hope I don’t find you here.”
Penelope’s tone was grave and threatening.
“If I still find you here after an hour, I will call the police and tell them you are a thief.”
“You’re crazy!” Alfred said mockingly.
“Then I will kill you with my own hands. When you leave, leave the key under the mat.”
Two hours had slipped by, and Penelope still wandered, lost beneath the glittering holiday lights of the city, her heart heavy and her thoughts adrift.
She feared that if she found Alfred still there, she might be capable of killing him. How foolish she had been. The engagement ring she had believed was hers was actually another woman’s.
“There will be no wedding next year,” she thought bitterly. Perhaps the dream of being a bride would remain only a dream. Perhaps her soul was destined to be lonely in this life. No one to love her. Not even a platonic soul, a trustworthy friend.
A strange sense of déjà vu overcame her. Just two years ago, she had experienced something similar. Eloise, her lifelong friend, had lied shamelessly, and Colin had mocked her behind her back. The memory shot her back to that night…
Two years ago…
💔
New Year’s Eve was supposed to be an interesting one for Penelope. She had been invited to the Bridgerton house to spend New Year’s night together.
She had learned from Eloise that Lady Bridgerton had organized a small, elegant party, and Penelope was excited.
She had just been promoted at work, Colin, her friend, whom she had secretly been in love with, had been flirting with her for months, and Eloise, her best friend, had promised her that she would not move to New York with her botanist boyfriend just yet.
Penelope was walking down the street, levitating. Yes! She was happy and madly in love. Who could blame her for that?
The idea that Colin might share his feelings with her made her want to scream with joy.
Her phone vibrated in her pocket; it was a message from Eloise, which made Penelope smile.
“Where are you, Pen? We’ll be late to my mother’s party.” 🤪
“I’m coming immediately! I’m right at the corner!”
Penelope slipped her phone back into the pocket of the thick wool coat she was wearing. A smile that didn’t want to disappear decorated her face.
When she stepped into the apartment, Eloise was in constant agitation.
“Pen, we have to hurry, Ben said he’ll be here at 8 to pick us up.”
“Ben! Why Ben?” asked Penelope, curious. The one who was supposed to pick them up was Colin. That’s what he had promised.
“Yes, speaking of that, Colin can’t come anymore. He said something about a meeting, I’m not sure.”
Eloise’s words destroyed the annoying smile on her face.
“Oh, a meeting?” Penelope stammered, her heart pounding in her ears.
“It seems so. He called me and said he invited someone, a girl, and that he wouldn’t be able to bring us.”
Penelope felt like crying at any moment. Eloise noticed her change in mood and approached her.
“Are you okay, Pen? You look pale.”
Penelope nodded, showing a fake smile on her face. She didn’t want to cry in front of Eloise. Her friend had no idea about the romantic feelings she had for Colin.
“Y-yes, I’m fine. I just need a shower before putting on the dress.”
Her small steps hurried down the hallway of the apartment she shared with Eloise.
Once under the hot shower, Penelope let herself cry. She knew it was too good to be true, that the handsome and charming Colin Bridgerton could never love her. When she calmed down, she got out of the shower; her skin was red from the hot water, and her eyes were red from crying. She knew Eloise would notice her sad face, so she stayed in the bathroom, styled her hair, and applied makeup in such a way that she managed to cover any trace of tears.
In fact, she was quite pleased with how she looked. The makeup accentuated the beautiful features of her face.
The floor-length dress was the same shade of blue as Colin’s eyes; the velvet material hugged her harmonious curves, emphasizing her round breasts and shapely behind.
Even if Colin was bringing a date that evening, she would still have fun; she felt beautiful as she hadn’t felt in a long time.
“Pen! Are you ready? Ben just arrived; he’s waiting for us.”
Eloise’s voice rang hurriedly from the other side of the door.
Penelope stepped out of her bedroom, ready to leave.
“I’m ready, El, we can go.”
Eloise stared at her, mouth agape and eyes wide.
“You’re a real sexy bomb, Pen. Who do you want to kill tonight with that neckline?”
Penelope blushed at her friend’s words. Eloise grabbed her hand in the hallway, finally ready to leave. Benedict, who was waiting at the door, was equally astonished by Penelope’s appearance.
He grabbed her hand and twirled her around..
“Look at you, Pen. You look phenomenal.”
“Thank you, Ben!”
All the way in the car, Penelope was nervous. She knew she couldn’t be mad at Colin; he was her friend, nothing was promised between them, and he had no idea of her romantic feelings. She was curious to meet the girl he had invited as a date.
The enormous salon and garden at the Bridgerton house were full of guests. Music played loudly from the speakers, Violet had set up a cocktail bar and a real buffet full of treats.
Eloise pulled Penelope by the hand toward the bar, leaving Ben behind.
After ordering their drinks and serving them quietly at the bar, catching up with the latest gossip, a girl with black curly hair sat next to them. Penelope looked to the right at the brunette and saw that she was accompanied by none other than Colin. Penelope couldn’t take her eyes off him. How could he always look so handsome? Sadness overcame her again. He was so focused on his date that he hadn’t even noticed her.
When he finally saw her, Penelope wished he hadn’t. His date turned out to be his girlfriend; they had been seeing each other for months, but Colin had never bothered to tell her.
“Pen! El!” “I’m glad to see you in all this madness organized by my mother.”
“I thought I had suddenly become invisible,” said Eloise in her mocking tone. A tone she often used around her older brothers.
“I’m sorry about that. My attention was elsewhere,” he said, looking tenderly at the young brunette beside him. Penelope felt like vomiting. Her stomach was tight, nausea rising. She couldn’t get a word out, not even a greeting.
“She’s Marina Thomson, my girlfriend for almost 6 months,” he said proudly about his conquest. The truth was, Marina was beautiful. She had that beauty Colin looked for in his partners. Tall, slim, with a perfect face and eyes as black as night.
“Oh, I didn’t know anything about this. Did you know, Pen?” Eloise asked, turning her gaze to Penelope.
She was still struggling with the undeniable nausea threatening to turn into vomiting. She shook her head nervously, showing a tight smile as a sign of denial.
Her and Colin's eyes met for a few moments, until she hesitantly lowered her gaze. Then she stood up from Eloise, politely excusing herself. leaving the three of them to talk quietly, without the threat of her vomiting.
As soon as she reached the bathroom, Penelope emptied her stomach into the toilet. She felt dizzy; her makeup had ruined from the tears during the vomiting.
It was a mess,she felt ugly and without a trace of self-respect.
She had to apologize to Eloise, because she was going to leave.. She knew she was pathetic but couldn’t endure the torture any longer.
After retouching her makeup and managing to look presentable, Penelope went back into the heart of the party. Colin seemed to be looking for her, calling her as soon as she stepped into the hall.
“Pen! Are you okay? We haven’t had a chance to talk.”
She tried to be his sweet friend. The one always at his disposal. The one to whom he had shared even her darkest secret, and he hadn’t bothered to tell her he had been seeing someone for 6 months.
“I’m fine, I was looking for Eloise. In fact, I don’t feel well and I think I’ll go home to rest.”
“What happened?” he asked, grabbing one of her hands, holding it in his, lightly stroking the back of it.
Exactly this kind of gesture made Penelope hope that he felt the same. “He’s just being kind and sweet to you,” she thought bitterly.
“Colin! Here you are!” Marina’s soft voice interrupted their little moment of intimacy, making Colin abruptly let go of her hand and step away considerably, like being caught stealing cookies in the middle of the night by his mother.
“You found me," he said with a thin voice and a slight blush.
“I was just talking to Pen. She’s not feeling well and was looking for Eloise.”
Penelope watched as Colin moved toward Marina, leaving her behind.
“Eloise was at the bar with Benedict, if I’m not mistaken,” the brunette said, slightly irritated by the moment she had caught between the two.
“You should look there,” she continued, then pulled Colin to the side and whispered something in his ear. The two left, holding hands and smiling at each other affectionately.
Penelope couldn’t bear another round of bathroom vomiting. She had to leave as soon as possible, but she had to find Eloise first.
As expected, she didn’t find her at the bar, nor in the salon or hallway. She headed to the garden, asking about her. Back inside the house, Penelope went to the kitchen for a glass of water. She would leave like this in the end; she would send Eloise a message, hoping she would understand.
Small giggles and lips pressing against each other came from the kitchen, stopping her in her tracks. She stepped forward slowly, and there, perched with her bottom on Lady Bridgerton’s kitchen counter, was Marina, Colin standing in front of her, kissing her . Penelope froze in the doorway; she wanted to turn and run. But just then, she heard Colin speaking.
“I hope you’re over being upset,” he whispered, forehead pressed to Marina’s.
“Not yet,” she giggled. “I think I need more kisses and also something else to make me forget the scene I just saw.”
Their voices were whispered like lovers speaking sweet words. But Penelope heard them perfectly; the music wasn’t audible in that part of the house. She remained in the doorway, listening to their whispers and kisses.
“I saw how she looked at you, my love! Believe me, I know what a woman in love looks like.”
“Oh no!” she thought. She felt sick, like when she had the flu and food poisoning all at once.
"She's just my younger sister's friend, Eloise. She’s been after me since we were kids. I don’t know exactly what this means for her. I only see her as a little sister.”
Penelope felt the ground crack beneath her at his words. She knew he didn’t love her, but she had always thought they were friends. They had always had something special, just the two of them, something she didn’t even have with Eloise. It had all been in her head; had she been so stupid?
She was interrupted by the sound of a buckle opening and Marina’s deep moan. And Penelope understood it was finally time to go home.
She forgot to send Eloise a message. She turned off her phone as soon as she reached her room, where she cried until exhausted.
Goodbye, almost my lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
Penelope tried to act normal in the days that followed , She didn’t call Colin anymore; if she was just his younger sister's friend , what was the point of bothering him? She was very surprised when, three days after that terrible New Year’s Eve, she received a message from him.
“Pen, how are you feeling? Eloise told me you were sick since New Year’s Eve. Are you better? If so, shall we meet at our café?”
Penelope stared at the phone for minutes, which turned into hours. Was it all just in her head? Their friendship, all their time together, they even had a café that was theirs with two secluded seats by the window where they used to write together in peace.
Penelope stared at the phone for hours, typing messages and deleting them. Nothing was right. Suddenly, any affection she had for him turned into repulsion. She didn’t want to see him again. But she would find out why. They weren’t friends; he had said so himself.
“Yes, I’ll be there tomorrow at 5 PM.”
“Great! Can’t wait to see you! I was worried about you.”
A humorless laugh escaped her lips. She doubted he had actually worried about her. She wondered what he wanted from her. Didn’t he now have the beautiful Marina?
Her new year started with days off work after Penelope had called Lady Danbury to say she was sick. And indeed, she was; she had eaten almost nothing despite her friend Eloise’s despair.
On the day she had to meet Colin at the café, Penelope was grateful to be home alone. She had time to stay in bed late without giving anyone explanations, cried loudly, emptied all her anger and frustration from her chest, then took a hot bath, not bothering with her outfit or makeup. She felt dead inside. Nothing could cover the state of rot emanating from her soul.
Colin was waiting outside the café, hands in pockets and a smile on his face.
He had no idea that he had just destroyed any her trace of love and life inside her.
“Pen!” He approached, extending his arms, probably intending their classic hug, in which he lifted her off the ground and twirled her in the air, giving her a real flock of butterflies in her stomach.
She let him do it one last time, the feeling in her heart being the same every time.
“I missed you, Pen!” He grabbed her hand and pulled her into the café. This time, their window seat was taken, so they found another free spot, to Penelope’s relief.
They ordered hot drinks, and Colin also ordered a few sweet snacks for both of them. Even though Penelope had clearly said she didn’t want to eat anything, choosing only a linden tea to calm her nerves.
“How are you, Pen?” he asked, his hand covering hers across the table.
Penelope looked at him, shocked. She couldn’t understand his behavior, which was in stark contrast to what she had heard that evening. So she violently pulled her hand away.
“I’m sorry, but if it’s contagious, it’s better to avoid contact.”
Colin looked at her with puppy eyes, resigning himself to the loss of her hand.
“I just hugged you, Pen. Believe me, I’d gladly take any virus you have as long as I can touch you.”
Penelope was convinced he was mocking her. She wondered what he had told Marina when he left home.
She couldn’t help asking. She intended to break off any connection with him after this outing. “How many times can a heart break?” she wondered in her mind.
“Where does Marina know you are?” her voice was dry; she didn’t want to be there. She would have ended it with him through messages.
“That I went out for coffee with an old friend,” he answered hesitantly.
“Oh, I see. But she doesn’t know it’s me, right?”
Penelope looked at him with the coldest gaze she had ever cast.
“P-Pen, what are you trying to say?” His voice stammered, his gaze fumbling over the cup of tea in front of him.
“I’m trying to say I know what you think about me, Colin. And I wonder which of us is crazy.”
He now looked at her with fear and uncertainty.
“Why would one of us be crazy?” he asked without a trace of amusement.
“Because I thought we were friends, yet on New Year’s Eve, I heard you talking to your girlfriend in the kitchen, telling her that I’m just Eloise’s friend.”
Now she was furious, her nostrils flaring from nervous breathing, her hands trembling under the table, pinching her thighs tightly, preventing herself from crying.
“Pen, I…”
“I heard you tell her that I’m the one who’s been after you since we were kids, but I mean nothing to you.”
“Sorry, you shouldn’t have heard that.”
“You said I’m like a little sister to you. What kind of sister am I? The protective, reliable one? Or the scatterbrained and annoying one?”
“Pen, please…”
“Because I think it’s the second type. The little, annoying one who takes up your time and space. And I don’t want to do that anymore.”
“Pen, don’t say that!” his voice was choked, and his eyes were on the verge of tears.
“Oh, but it’s true! Otherwise, why hide things from me when you know every move I make?”
“Sorry I did that. I’m sorry I hid Marina from you. I promise I won’t do it again.”
A stray tear slid down his cheek, making Penelope secretly rejoice. She would be happy if he suffered at least half as much as she did.
“There won’t be a need for that anymore, Colin. Starting from that night, we stopped being friends.”
Her hands nervously played with a loose thread from her yellow sweater.
“It would be unfair for me to be your friend when my feelings for you aren’t completely sincere.”
His face was bathed in tears, making Penelope pinch the thin skin of her hand with her nails. She didn’t want to cry in front of him; she would distract herself in any way possible. She had to be cold and calculated, to tell him what she had to say and leave, breaking any connection with him.
“And we can’t be friends anymore when my trust in you is zero. Friends don’t talk behind each other’s backs, Colin.”
“Forgive me, Pen! I know I was seriously wrong, but I promise I’ll repent every day for my sin.” he said.
“I’m not God. You don’t get to repent in front of me.” I don’t want you to do that.”
“But I can’t give up on you, Pen. I can’t!”
Then choose! Either me or your girlfriend.”
Penelope knew that if he gave her the choice, he would choose Marina.She was just his little sister's friend. An annoying little sister at that.
“You can’t ask me that, Pen. Please!”
“Colin! Marina was right. I’m in love with you. I’ve loved you since I didn’t know what love was. Please don’t torture me with your perfect relationship.”
Penelope wiped the tears falling on her face. No matter how much she had held back from crying, she failed.
“It was enough to see and hear you kissing her and almost having sex on your mother’s kitchen counter.”
Colin looked at her with his mouth open in shock.
“You, you love me? You’re in love with me?”
“Yes! It’s the first and last time you’ll hear me say that.”
“And if I don’t want it to be the last time?” he asked, a trace of hope in his voice.
“What do you mean, Colin?”
“What would you say if I chose you? But not as a friend. As my girlfriend?”
A humorless laugh came from Penelope, shaking her head angrily.
“That’s impossible! I don’t want you anymore! You lied to me and hurt me, without caring a bit about me.”
"Please, Pen, I only messed around with Marina. It wasn’t anything serious, that’s why I didn’t introduce her to anyone."
Colin reached for her hand on the table again, this time grabbing it and holding it tightly.
"All this time, it was you. You were the one I wanted."
"I don’t believe you! You’re a liar and a hypocrite, Colin Bridgerton. And I don’t want to see you or speak to you ever again."
Penelope pulled her hand away from his again, with force.
"Pen, please, I beg you, forgive me. I was stupid, I don’t know what was going through my mind. Believe me, I really love you, I’ve been doing it for many years actually."
"I don’t believe you, Colin." Penelope took out money for her consumption, leaving it under the teacup, then hurriedly got up from the chair, putting on her coat.
Colin immediately followed her, getting up and walking after her.
"Pen, please, don’t do this! Don’t destroy what we have."
For the first time since she had known Colin Bridgerton, Penelope felt the acute urge to hit him. ""Me? Am I the one who ruined this? Or are you? Who's hiding things, who's laughing at whom?
Her small stature stood imposingly in front of him, her index finger poking his chest.
"Don’t try to blame me for something I didn’t do. I need time, Colin, to forgive you."
"If you leave, it’s over!" he said in a threatening tone.
"Then so be it. It’s over!"
Penelope stayed a few more moments, looking at him carefully, memorizing every feature of his handsome face. Not that she didn’t know them—she could draw him with her eyes closed.
"Goodbye, Colin," she said with a broken voice. Then she left, leaving behind the one she had loved since she was a child. When love for her meant sharing your last candy or the last cookie on the plate with your favorite person.
He told her he loved her. Only the words sounded completely false from his lips. She didn’t believe him. How could she, when he seemed so in love with Marina? He would never hurt her again or deceive her with his duplicitous behavior.
Arriving home, she noticed that Eloise still hadn’t returned. Or perhaps she had come while she was gone, and had now left again. She wondered where she could have gone without telling her.
A fully written sheet of paper lay on the kitchen table of their shared apartment. Penelope recognized the handwriting as Eloise’s and wondered why she would write such a long note instead of calling. She thought maybe she had called, but she hadn’t heard the phone. She checked her phone, but there was no call or message from her.
She took the letter in her hands, sat down on a chair, and began to read:
"Pen, I waited for you for a few hours, but I had to leave. Otherwise, I would have missed my flight to New York. I know, I know I promised I wouldn’t go anywhere. But I missed Philip so much that I chose to live with him in America. I’m sorry I was a coward and couldn’t tell you in person that I would leave. The truth is, I had the plane ticket since before Christmas, but I wasn’t completely certain about my choice. The rent is paid, including for February. So you have time to move. I’m sorry again, I hope you can forgive me. Eloise."
Penelope read the letter for dozens of times. She wondered if the friendship between her and Eloise had been a bad joke , like the one between her and Colin.
She stayed on the kitchen chair for hours until her back went stiff and her buttocks began to ache.
She was too numb after the whole discussion with Colin at the café, that not a single tear fell from her eyes.
Her mother had been right when she had warned her about the Bridgertons—that they would kick her out at some point. It seemed she meant nothing to Eloise if she had left her just through a damned letter. She took the phone from the table and went to Eloise’s contact, blocking her number, then did the same with Colin. She blocked them both on all social media. Officially, she was done with the Bridgertons. Maybe it was better this way. The thought that she would have had to accompany Eloise to brunches every weekend, that she would have to see Colin and Marina forming a perfectly in love couple, made her feel sick.
Penelope hadn’t heard from them since. She bought her own apartment after being promoted at Mrs. Danbury’s job, moved quietly, and no one in the Bridgerton family knew where she lived. She hadn’t seen anyone since that New Year’s Eve two years ago. She met Alfred at Philippa’s wedding, and they had been together since. Her mother seemed finally proud of her. Alfred came from an old noble family. He had money, and that was all that mattered to Portia. She was convinced her mother wouldn’t take the news of their breakup well; Penelope would be blamed for his infidelity.
After hours of wandering the city streets, Penelope returned to her apartment, with 30 minutes left until midnight, not wanting to be caught outside.
The fireworks roared loudly while Penelope threw the laundry from the bed into the washing machine. Then she prepared her bed again with clean and fresh sheets. When every holiday light finally went out, Penelope fell asleep peacefully. Maybe she wouldn’t be a bride in the coming year, or in the next years, but she would enjoy whatever life offered her.