Chapter Text
“Perhaps that was part of your planned entrapment all along.” Colin whispers to me. I stare at him, my mind racing. Entrapment? Does he really think that is what I have done? I look over at our mother’s, mine so excited over the planning of this wedding. I should call this off, he doesn’t love me. Not the way he said he did, but what will that do? I do not want to bring more scandal upon the Bridgerton family if I was to call off the wedding. Between Eloise, I admit I had a hand in that, and the failure of Anthony wedding last season, the Bridgerton’s may not survive another one. But how can I stand here and allow him to think I meant to entrap him.
“Colin, I did not mean to entrap you, I love you.” I say, my voice quivering. He says nothing, his face stoic, refusing to look at me.
“Do you plan to call off the wedding?” I ask. If he calls it off, then no scandal will ensue for them, just my name will be ruined. Hopefully one of my sisters will produce a boy and our estate will remain within the family.
“That depends.”
“On?”
“Will you keep writing? I noticed there was not an issue today.”
“I...do not know.” I say, looking down at my hands. Perhaps I should just go to the queen.
“I see.” he says, and stands up straighter.
“Perhaps I should take the couple for refreshments.” Varley says, cutting the tension in the room. I shake my head.
“There’s no need. The wedding is off. If you’ll excuse me.” I say, and flee the room. I ignore the calls of my name as my mother rushes after me. I reach my room, just as she catches me, grabbing my arm.
“Penelope! What is the meaning of this?!” she demands. I force back the tears that threaten to fall and pull my arm away.
“I can’t do this. Please.” I say, begging for her to just listen for once. Her face softens and I see a side of my mother I’ve never seen before.
“My girl, what is wrong?” she asks, quietly. Before I can think, I throw my arms around her and let the tears fall. She is taken back for a moment before her arms wrap around me. My door opens and Rae appears.
“Miss?” she questions. Mama leads me into the room and I sit down on my bed.
“Rae, please go downstairs and ask Mister Bridgerton and his mother that they are dismissed for the time being. And send up a tea service as well.” she says. Rae nods and leaves quickly.
“Penelope, what is the meaning of all of this? You finally get your chance at a love match and you are calling it off?” she asks me.
“Colin does not love me.” I whisper.
“My dear, that boy is utterly besotted. Yes, his affections as of late have be questionable, but I assure you he does love you.”
“He may have in the beginning, but he hates me now and I cannot blame him.”
“You aren’t making any sense, Penelope.”
I look over at her, sighing. Do I tell her? Do I trust her to keep my secret? I fiddle with the lace on my dress before getting up and walking to the corner of my room. Bending, I lift the rug and lift out the wood plank. I reach into the hole and pull out my writing folder and the bag containing my money. I pass them over to her. She gasps as she takes in the amount of money she holds.
“Where did this come from, Penelope?” she demands. I nod at the folder she holds.
“That.”
She opens up the folder and I swear she nearly faints at the sight of the partial draft she now holds in her hands.
“It’s you? All this time. I have been trying so hard to pull this family out of the mud and you have been sowing our ruin all this time!” she says and I flinch.
“How could you, Penelope? The things you have said about this family, about me, about yourself?”
“I don’t know, mama! I was tired of just being in the shadows, of being ignored. I didn’t have a voice. Especially in this home. You have always chastised me, looked over me, pretending I didn’t exist.”
“I never...”
“Yes you did! You made me debut early without considering that I was not ready. You gave me no say in how I dressed, insisting that the colors you chose were good for me and made me stand out. They made me a laughing stock. What I wrote in those papers, are what people actually said about me, about us. I never once printed a lie.”
“You runied Marina.”
“Marian ruined herself when she came here already with child. I write what I did because I could not stand by and let the boy I was in love with be trapped.”
Mama took a deep breath and sat down on the bench at my window.
“I take it he knows?” she asks. I nod.
“He does, I followed me the night of the Mondrich Ball. I went to my printer to publish a piece discrediting Cressida Cowper. I was fully prepared to allow her to take the credit thinking she would never be able to publish. I couldn’t let her ruin my work. He’s been so very angry with me.”
“I’m sure he just needs to get a chance to recover.”
I shake my head, and stare out the window to the garden below.
“He accused me of trying to entrap him.” I say, and turn back to her. She stares at me for a moment then her eyes widen.
“Penelope!”
“It was only after the engagement. I did not entrap him. I had no idea I wanted it until I wanted it. I do not blame him, mama. It was beautiful. But I won’t let him think I went with him and let him do that just to entrap him.” I explain. Mama gets up and comes to me, taking my hands in hers.
“Penelope, I need to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me.” I nod.
“Did he... did he spill within you?” she asks.
“Mama!”
“My dear girl, it is important.”
“I think so?” I say, questioning her. She releases a breath I did not realize she had been holding. She reaches up and cups my cheek.
“Oh, my girl.”
“What?”
“You may not have a choice in the matter.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, worried. She leads me back to my bed and sits me down before she takes a seat next to me. She takes a hold of my hands and looks directly at me.
“Penelope, I fear I have been rather vague when it comes to marital relations. When a man inserts himself and finds release, it can lead to pregnancy.” she explains.
“But, I am not pregnant, am I?”
“It is hard to say. Have you been intimate since that night?”
“Mama!”
“I am not angry with you, Penelope. I am disppointed but I am not angry. You are not the first to anticipate your vows. Have you ever wondered why sometimes a child is born 8 months into a couple’s marriage?”
“But, I cannot marry him with him thinking I’ve entrapped him. If I am with child he will resent me even more. Please Mama.” I beg her, tears streaming down my face. Mama pulls me close to her and I bury my face in her chest.
“Shhh, it’s going to be okay. We shall wait until we are sure before we do anything. When are your courses due?”
“Within a fortnight.”
“Very well. I will speak with Lady Bridgerton.”
“Mama, no.”
“Penelope, you must allow me to do damage control. If we need to use your quill then we can, but I must inform Lady Bridgerton. Are you comfortable with telling her everything?”
I nod.
“Good. I shall have her over for tea this afternoon. You rest, darling. I shall have Rae bring you up a light lunch with your tea.” She says and pulls me up to my feet. She turn me around and begins to unbutton my day dress then unties my corset. She goes to my bathing chamber and pulls my night dress from the hook and hands it to me to put on.
“Take the day”. I shall be just downstairs if you need me. She says and kisses the top of my head before leaving. I stare at the door, wondering what on earth just happened. I have gotten more affection from my mother in the last twenty minutes than I have in my entire life. I pull back the blanket and climb in bed just as the door to my room opens again. It’e Rae. She looks around the room, noticing the contents of my Whistledown hiding place out in the open.
“I told her. She took it surprisingly well. I am not really sure how to respond to what just happened. I’ve called off the wedding, Rae.” I tell her. Her face falls as she sets the tea service on the table.
“Oh miss, I am ever so sorry.” she says. I wave for her to sit down and she sits on the edge of my bed.
“I don’t know what to do, Rae. Mama said I could be with child. Did you know that it was possible when I told you of my afternoon with Colin?”
“I did, but I didn’t think it a problem since you were to be married.”
“Mama said we will figure out things if I am.”
“I am sure your Mama will figure things out. Speaking of, would you like me to make you a cup of tea?”
“No, thank you. I just want to sleep.”
“Yes, miss. If you need anything, just ring.” she says and leaves.
I scoot down in the bed, pulling the blanket over me before I roll over, staring at the window. The wind is blowing, causing the branches to gently hit the glass. I close my eyes, letting the sound lull me to sleep.