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He was tired. He spent more and more hours at his shop because it was hard being home. James Gold loved his wife more than anything and he really hated himself for staying way after closing time. But he had to deal with his pain in his own way.
He arrived to his cold, quiet home with lilac flowers for his Belle, to say sorry and make up for his neglect. He took off his suit jacket and draped it over a chair when he heard a voice upstairs. It was the soft, feminine lilt of his wife’s voice. He followed the lovely sound, flowers in hand, and it led him to the nursery.
He carefully opened the door and found Belle sitting on the white rocking chair in front of the crib wearing a long, elegant white nightgown. She looked like a dream, so ethereal and luminescent. She was reading a bedtime story so he entered with uneasiness and caution.
She read animatedly, “‘I love you all the way down the lane as far as the river,’ cried Little Nutbrown Hare. That's very far, thought Little Nutbrown Hare. He was almost too sleepy to think anymore.”
James interrupted softly, “Belle, sweetheart-“
“Shh,” she hushed him quietly with a playful grin, “he’s finally asleep. You know he loves when I read to him.”
He nodded and let her continue.
“Then he looked beyond the thorn bushes, out into the big dark night. Nothing could be further than the sky. ‘I love you right up to the MOON,’ he said, and closed his eyes. ‘Oh, that’s far’ said Big Nutbrown Hare. ‘That’s is very far.’ Big Nutbrown Hare settled Little Nutbrown Hare into his bed of leaves. He leaned over and kissed him good night. Then he lay down close by and whispered with a smile, ‘I love you right up to the moon-AND BACK.’ ”
James knew that story by heart, Belle read it all the time. It was about a father Hare and his son competitively proclaiming their love for each other. She closed the book and stood up, finally looking up at him. “You were saying?”
“I brought you flowers,” he held them out to her and she took them with a bright, wide smile. God, it feels like forever since he last saw that smile.
“Thank you, sweetie, they're so beautiful!”
“Come to bed with me, love.” He grabbed her hand and pressed a kiss to it.
She chuckled, “In a minute. I’m watching him sleep, our little Baelfire.”
There was only so much acting he could do. He stared gravely into the empty crib, feeling that wound open up once more.
They never tell you that sometimes, a baby just dies. There’s no warning, no symptoms. Their life just stops for no reason, leaving nothing but their bodies and their inconsolable parents behind. He’d never forget Belle’s shattering scream. It still haunted him. He could still feel the way his blood ran cold and how his heart stilled as he ran into the nursery where Belle was crumbled on the floor, clutching onto the stiff, lifeless body of their six month old son. She wailed hysterically and he caught the words not breathing and cold.
A part of them died with their son. Belle took the brunt of the guilt. She was sleeping in the exact spot she sat at now, just a foot away from the crib, when their baby boy stopped breathing. She only woke up because she heard the front door shut when her husband came home from work. Maybe if she hadn’t fallen asleep or if she had woken up earlier, her baby would still be here.
This wasn’t the first time she had this delusion. A week after Bae died, James woke in the middle of the night and found Belle preparing a bottle and singing a lullaby. Sometimes, he’d go along with it and play into her delusions for her sake. Eventually, she’d wake up and realize what she was doing. He looked at her and saw the bags under her bloodshot eyes. That explained it. She only ever had these episodes when she didn’t sleep for a couple of days. He tried to monitor her but his Belle was clever and knew how to get around him.
“Isn’t he beautiful?” she asked him while gazing reverently down to where their son would be sleeping.
He shut his eyes and was glad Belle was looking away. She couldn’t see the pained look on his face. He had to be strong for the both of them but he couldn’t let this continue. He swallowed hard before he spoke. “He was the most beautiful boy in the world.” His voice was strained as he tried to keep his emotions in control.
“Was?” she giggled and looked at him like he was crazy, “silly, he’s right there.”
Belle pointed to the empty space.
“No, Belle,” he said gently and placed his hand on her shoulder, “he’s gone.”
She pushed him away, horrified. “What’s wrong with you? How can you even say that?! He’s your son! He’s sleeping right there!”
“Belle, look at me,” He urged thickly while his eyes became clouded with tears. He held her face to keep her grounded, “Bae isn’t there. He’s gone.”
He let go of her and pointed to the crib. When she looked down, her son was gone, disappeared into thin air.
“No! What did you do?!” she cried, the lilacs fell to the floor, “Bring him back to me!”
He tried to get closer to her but she started hitting his arms and his chest.
“You bring him back right now! Give me my son!!”
He grabbed her arms tight and held her still. Every plea for him to bring their boy back pierced him in the heart. There was nothing he could have done for their son when he was dying, the doctors said so, and now his wife was in pain and he was just as helpless. “I can’t, Belle… No one can. He’s dead, okay? Our son is dead.”
“What?”
James could see his wife coming back to reality and realizing, once again, that she was having the delusion that her son was still alive. The look of anger on her face was replaced with devastation.
“Oh god,” Belle sobbed, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry!”
He quickly wrapped his arms around her tightly when her body started to shake. “It’s okay.”
She sank down to the floor and he went right with her. They held each other and cried. “I just miss him so much! He was our boy, James! Our- our perfect baby boy and it’s- it’s not fair!” Belle was hyperventilating, finally letting out all of the anger, sadness, and loss she felt. Her moans of agony were muffled by his shoulder.
“I know, Sweetheart, I know. But we’ll get through this. We’ll get help and do whatever it takes, but right now, you have to sleep, darling. You- you can’t shut down on me, Belle, I love you so much and I- I need you so please, please come to bed, my love.” James felt like he was pouring what little sanity he had left into this. He lost his son, he didn’t want to lose his wife too.
She didn’t say anything while she processed what her husband was saying, she only wept and clutched onto him. The loss of their child was worse than dying and she kept feeling it every time she had these episodes. She longed for her baby back, more than anything, but she was tired of reliving the pain every time she woke up from her delusion. As momentarily relieving as it was to believe she never lost him, it was too excruciating as well. She and James were both handling their grief on their own and in the process, they started to drift apart. He was right, she couldn’t shut down; she wouldn’t be able to handle losing him as well. Belle needed help, she needed to get better. This wasn’t the way to honor her beloved son’s memory.
“Okay… Will you- will you hold me?” She whimpered.
“Of course, I always will.” He promised.
He had to carry her to bed, she was too weak and exhausted. But he held her all night and made sure she was asleep. He vowed to be there for her. No more late nights at work and no more avoiding her. He was not going to lose her because he was too scared to grieve. She’s been grieving enough for the both of them while he was being the coward and masking it as strength. No more.
Tomorrow, he’d take the day off work and take care of Belle and be all that she needed him to be. Things were going to change for the better… They had to.