Chapter Text
Henry Laurens is a good person. He stayed by his children, even after his wife died, he goes to church every Sunday, he brought up his children in the fear of the Lord, he is a good person.
John Laurens is a bad person. He is a very, very bad person. He ran away from home, he hardly ever goes to church, and probably worst of all, he’s gay. He’s a disappointment. His father had raised him to be a good person, but he’s not. He’s gonna burn in hell. All because he likes boys…
There is a very cute boy who attends John’s school. Alexander Hamilton, he had introduced himself. My name is Alexander Hamilton, and there’s a million things I haven’t done, but just you wait.
Yeah, Alexander is strange. He is completely unlike anyone John had ever met before. He is intelligent, that's certain. He beat even Thomas Jefferson at debate. He wrote the longest essays out of anyone in the class. And of course he came with a tragic backstory. All of John’s friends do. He had immigrated from a spot in the Caribbean nobody’s ever heard of. His father had abandoned him, his mother was deceased. Oh, and his deceased mother had been a prostitute. There were rumors going around that Alexander was only adopted by the Washington family because his mother used to sleep with Mr. Washington.
Aside from being intelligent and tragic, Alexander is also hot. He has copper skin, raven hair, and those eyes, he has beautiful brown eyes. Now, some people have told John that God will forgive him, so long as he denies himself his desires to date men. It takes a lot more effort to deny himself with Alexander than with any other boy in his life. With every passing day, he becomes more enthralled with Alexander, but according to Lafayette, Alexander is at the very least, not out to anyone yet.
As John lays in his bed, he digs his nails into his skin. Dirty, worthless, disgusting—that’s when he gets an idea. A smart idea? No, but an idea nonetheless. He would write Alexander a note saying that he loved him, and let Alexander reject him. Then, he‘ll be able to actually put this notion away. He writes his words down on a blue post-it note. I love you, but I know you don’t love me back, J.Laurens.
The next morning, he sticks the note on Alexander’s locker. He’s nervous all day, stomach churning as he anticipates Alexander’s response. In the 6th passing period, Alexander slips him a paper. The rejection letter, it has to be. When John gets home, he doesn’t even bother to say hello to his dad or siblings, just kicks off his shoes and goes straight upstairs. John sits down at his desk and unfolds the piece of paper.
As he reads over the letter, his cheeks flush and his heart races. There’s no way I’m reading this right. You know the opinion I entertain of mankind and how much it is my desire to preserve myself free from particular attachments, and to keep my happiness independent on the caprice of others. You should not have taken advantage of my sensibility to steal into my affections without my consent. But as you have done it and as we are generally indulgent to those we love, I shall not scruple to pardon the fraud you have committed, on condition that for my sake, if not for your own you will always continue to merit the partiality which you have so artfully instilled in me.
This…is not a letter of rejection. This letter doesn’t read “I hate you, you disgusting fag.” In fact, it’s a very eloquently crafted letter expressing that the love is reciprocated. It was in that moment that John decided he could no longer deny himself. He pulls out his phone and opens Lafayette’s contact and starts typing.
John Laurens: I really like your brother
Lafayette: Knew it!
John Laurens: He wrote me a letter
John Laurens: He likes me back
Lafayette: Double date!
John Laurens: ?
Lafayette: We’ll go on a double date. You and Alex, me and Herc
John Laurens: Idk if that’s a good idea
Lafayette: You’re right
Lafayette: It’s a great idea!
John Laurens: Okay
Lafayette: 🙂
John puts his phone down and sighs. He’s really doing this. In one day, he’s condemned himself to hell. He lays down on his bed, resisting the desire to go find a knife and No! No, you can't. You're gonna finish school, you're gonna date Alex, and you're gonna outlive Donald Trump. He decides to go ahead and go to sleep. He pulls the blanket over his shoulder amid turns onto his side. John Laurens, the hellbound faggot you are, you worthless piece of-John decides to put music on, with earbuds of course. It helps to drown out his own thoughts.
The next day at school, the boys all gather at the same table in the cafeteria to discuss the details of their double-date. They settle on an ice cream place near Alexander and Lafayette’s house. John tries his hardest to relax and push away his thoughts. He’s having so many of them. His aunt has suggested medicine, but John’s dad dismissed the suggestion as woke nonsense. John’s starting to think his dad was wrong.
Somehow, John survives the day and is able to meet the others for ice cream. He gets chocolate, his favorite. Lafayette gets French vanilla, although he makes a point of telling everyone it tastes better in France. Hercules gets strawberry, although he takes a bite of Lafayette’s ice cream before even touching his own, and Alexander gets chocolate chip cookie dough.
They sit down at a table, and Alexander jumps right into asking John’s opinions on social issues.
“Racism?”
“Still very prevalent, but with the rise of social media, it’s much easier to speak out against. In this day and age, it seems justice is a matter of whether or not people speak up.”
Alexander’s shocked. He hadn’t realized John was this intellectual. After a few more minutes of conversation, it’s clear that John is much more competent than he had previously thought. “Y’know, you’re pretty smart, I mean, for someone from South Carolina.”
“What exactly’s that supposed to mean, Alex?”
Alexander leans back in his seat. “Nothing, nothing at all.”
Lafayette squeals. “Tu es très mignon! You make a perfect couple.”
Yeah, a perfect couple. Perfect could never be a term that was applied to John. Never, never, never. John is broken. John is messed up. He’s broken and there’s no fixing it. He pushes his chair back. The metal scrapes loudly against the pavement.
“I gotta go. Bye, Alexander. And thank you, Lafayette, for paying.” He grabs his backpack and heads home. It’s a three mile walk. Plenty of time to think. To think about how he’s hellbound. To think about how dirty and repulsive he is. To think about how nobody would ever love him. Alex does a voice in his head says, but he ignores it. John Laurens is, and always will be, a bad person.