Chapter Text
They heard the dematerialization sequence begin and she broke the kiss. He had just started to respond to it. He sighed. She took a couple of running steps. He knew it was already too late, but he wished that she would have kept kissing him - at least it served as a bit of a distraction. He knew the TARDIS was leaving forever and it felt like his single heart was being ripped out of him in order to follow it. He thought for a moment that she would be as stupid as Jack had been and jump for the doors. She stopped as the Blue Box faded from view.
He sighed knowing that the real work was about to begin and the next few moments would set the foundation. He swallowed back his own suffering as he slowly approached her. He came along her side and took her hand in his... in that hand... his right hand. He looked down at their joined hands. The memory of that familiar gesture burned through him almost like acid. He looked up to see the empty space where his constant companion, the TARDIS, once stood. He found it ironic that he considered the memories associated with Rose as his (the Time Lord) and the memories of the TARDIS as his own.
He turned to face Rose at that moment and she turned to face him at the same time. There were questions and doubts and even a bit of hope in her eyes. He kept his face as expressionless as possible. During the next forty-four point four - three - two seconds they stood like that. Then she let his hand go and walked back towards Jackie. Well, at least his sense of time was still in tact. He had said the part of him that is human was specifically the aging part, but he wondered how much of his physiology had changed. "Doctor," Jackie's voice had a hint of concern as she broke his reverie, "Come on, it's freezing out here. Hardbakke is just up the way there. Pete's already called ahead to the hotel."
He was still just standing there, staring. He shook his head, "Hardbakke? This area isn't well populated and they have a hotel? Tourists, I suppose. The area is known for fishing. I wonder if fish taste different here. Or if they look different..."
Jackie just stared at him. He tried to make light while addressing Rose, "Have you seen any with say two heads... or no head at all?"
It was a half-hearted attempt repeating the words from just before his ninth regeneration. She did not even break a smile... this was not going to be easy for any of them. As they walked along, he asked them if they knew of any differences in the formation of the Earth in this universe. Since neither seemed to, he explained how plate tectonics moving the continents had created all the little islands. He talked about how the ingenious humans found ways to build bridges so that they could travel between them. When he ran out of talking about geology and engineering, he turned to talking about the local vegetation. As he talked on, he heard Jackie comment, "Well, the gob hasn't changed, that's sure!"
The fact of the matter was that he did not want there to be any break in conversation. A gap might allow them the chance to ask questions. Questions to which he was sure they would not like his answers. Worse, it might lead to silence which would allow him to acknowledge the horrible quiet that his missing TARDIS left in his head. (Another bit of his Time Lord self still present.) He felt the way she pulled out of his mind. He was still telepathic, at least to an extent. He wondered how he would test it.
He walked with his hands in his pockets, because if he touched Rose Tyler anymore, he might be forced to tell her the truth right now and that would not be a good thing. He had to give her time. Give all of them time, really. He knew they were all in a state of shock to varying degrees. He was so appreciative that Jackie was tolerating his constant stream. He is not sure what changed, but something happened in the brief exchange when Jackie joked that her son's name was "Doctor" and then revealed the actual name as "Tony."
It had not taken long for them to get to the hotel, but the Doctor was chilled to the bone when they arrived. Well, this was one part of his physiology that had changed. He supposed that went along with the single heartbeat that now beat in the center, rather than on each side, of his chest. He sighed heavily and for the first time since the beach, Rose looked at him, "You okay?"
He made an attempt to smile but it might have looked more like a grimace, "I'm fine."
Then a shiver went up his spine. He tried to hide it, but could not. Rose's eyebrows shot up, "Your coat!"
He shrugged, "Left it behind..." he had not intended to leave the sentence end there, but could not quite bring himself to say the rest.
They were at the doors to the hotel and the Doctor held it open for Jackie and Rose. Jackie smiled and thanked him, Rose just walked through, as she so often did. Pete had arranged for the penthouse which had several rooms as well as two full en suites. Jackie was babbling about how Pete had arranged for their early check-in and that a storm in London was preventing him from sending a zeppelin today, but the forecast for tomorrow should mean they could leave then. She was gesturing around the place pointing out the coffee and tea packets and then she started the water kettle. Rose sat on one of the couches and stared out the window, which happened to face the beach.
When the water was heated, Jackie offered him some tea. "Tannins," he exclaimed brightly, "Just what I need after a regen... what happened. It'll heal those synapses right up!"
He sat at the small table in such a way that he could watch Rose. He sipped his tea, pleased that his Time Lord sense of taste was still in tact. Perhaps he could let himself believe that his line about "specifically the aging part" was really true. Jackie was trying hard to make small talk. She was trying too hard, but her efforts made him smile. He interrupted her as he grimaced into his tea, "It tastes different here."
She looked at him, "Everything does, dear. At least a little bit. 'Course now that I've done a bit of travelin' here, I imagine it's no different than how familiar foods taste from one country to another."
The Doctor smiled at her analysis, "Jackie Tyler, I've underestimated you! That's brilliant!"
Jackie blushed under his unexpected compliment. Rose rolled her eyes, said nothing and continued to look out the window.
Suddenly, a loud noise came from the Doctor's stomach. "Oh, humanity. Now, that is disgusting," he quipped.
He caught a small smile cross Rose's lips. Jackie said, "Oh, you're probably starving, I'll call up some room service."
The Doctor looked at her, "Could we go out instead?" He gave her his best puppy-dog eyes.
She tried to rebuke him sternly, "Alright, but only if you behave yourself."
He said with a bit of Donna's roughness, "Oi! I'm always on my best behavior!"
Jackie got up and took his mug from him as he stood to follow her. She met his eyes, then looked behind him at Rose and gave him an encouraging nod. "I'll head on down," she said, "I'll get a table, why don't you two follow in a bit? Rose knows where I'm headed."
The Doctor nodded and Jackie left the room.
He slowly approached Rose and stood next to the sofa, "Staring at the beach isn't going to bring him back... I should know," he casually tapped the side of his head.
He immediately regretted it when he realized that Rose may think him knowing something about the Time Lord rather than simply acknowledging his timeline sensitivities, which were still there, though a hair muted. She did not look at him, "He did it again... walked away without so much as a goodbye."
He sighed and sat down next to her, "Oh, Rose, don't know you what that would have done to him?"
She huffed softly, "Why didn't he just say it?"
And there it was... the question he was dreading. He looked at her intently, willing her eyes to leave the window and find his. When she did not turn, he spoke, gently, "Look at me. Rose, look at me."
She hesitantly turned her head, afraid if her eyes left the beach for one moment, she might miss the return. The Doctor swallowed and she watched his Adam's apple bob up and down, "Those words have so many meanings in this world. And I -er he- er we're men of action. So many people have told us that we talk all the time and never say anything. And they're right, to an extent. Because our actions speak louder than anything."
She looked at him seeming to not have heard his answer and she asked another question, "And you… What are you... really?"
He nodded, it was a fair question, "I'm part-human, part-Time Lord."
"But, what does that mean?" she was searching his eyes for the answer.
He saw a reflection of his own in hers. They still contained the look of someone who's spent lifetimes in the Time Vortex. The Doctor sighed, "You saw it happen. He partially regenerated. He put all that energy into the hand." He wiggled the fingers of his right hand. "And the energy just sat there dormant, until there was a way to release it. Remember when we fought the Sycorax?"
She nodded slightly, "He was within the first fifteen hours of his regeneration, so he was able to grow a new hand."
The Doctor nodded, "Same idea. If a Time Lord had touched my hand, I would have been full Time Lord. But, it was Donna, a human... so I'm part human."
She looked at his hand and he wiggled his fingers again, she looked as if she was about to take it, then stopped herself.
"He was wrong, though," the Doctor said. Rose looked at him as he continued, "The blood and anger and revenge he spoke of... Well, this," he closed and opened his hand, "this wasn't his fighting hand. What I did to the Daleks was no different than what he did during the Time War, or what you did on Satellite Five. We all did what we had to do to preserve the universe. He's just... seen too much. He would be perfectly happy to never see another death again." He was staring at his right hand and her gaze followed his.
She suddenly took it in hers, "So, how do I think of you then?"
He cocked his head to the side, "How do you mean?"
She said, "Well, you're him, but you're not. And I'm having trouble wrapping my head around it."
The Doctor smiled softly, "I'm still the Doctor, Rose. The way I'm approaching it right now is like any other regeneration. I still have all the memories and knowledge of my ten lives. And I've always gotten a bit confused when referring to my previous selves around humans. I find it easiest to say he, but that's just a pronoun, because they're all me. And I am all of them."
She squeezed his hand in what he hoped was a bit of acceptance. His stomach grumbled again. She sighed and looked out at the beach again. "Rose," he spoke softly, "You don't have to wait five and a half hours. I'm right here."
She looked at him again but there was no smile, "So, he won't even try to come back, will he?" A tear slid down her cheek.
He replied, "He can't. But, he doesn't have to because he knows I'm here. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it was a sacrifice that he left me here with you."
His stomach growled yet again. He looked down at it, "Knock that off, I'm trying to have a conversation here and it doesn't involve you!" He caught Rose smile faintly at that. "That was a smile."
She shook her head, "No. No it wasn't."
"Oh, but it was," he countered, "In fact, it was the second smile since we've been in this room."
She looked at him, "No it isn't."
He nodded, "It is. The first was when I talked about how disgusting..." his stomach made another noise, "that is." He grinned widely and she smiled again. "And now, that makes three," he exclaimed triumphantly.
She almost giggled, almost, "Well, come on, it's not gonna stop if we keep sitting here. Let's get some food in there and make it stop." She stood up and gestured to the door.
He smiled and said, "Allons-y!"