Chapter Text
It was raining. Of course it was raining. Nothing could go right for Billy today, it was official.
He breathed hard into his scarf as he stumbled down the road. He knew he needed to hurry; the sky over head was menacing and causing his anxiety to flare worse than it already was. There was no one else on the street that he could see, the time and the weather keeping him isolated. A car rushed by, water splashing up and just barely missing Billy. The first thing to be thankful of all day.
The fight was still running through his mind. He’d tried blocking it out, yet it kept springing back up; unwanted and bitter. The bruise on his cheek throbbed as Billy cast his eyes around, looking for anyone who might notice him. He had to be a worrying sight; a deep bruise across one eye, a lighter one peeking between his collar and scarf, getting drenched to the bone from the downpour.
But of course, he was still alone. He hadn't felt anything else in a while.
Billy's mind drifted back like it had been for the past hour. He wished he didn't have to think of it anymore. The fear, the hurt, the
anger
all ran through him, reminding him of every second of the fight. Shivering, he wrapped his scarf closer to him, trying to hide the bruise as much as he could. Billy felt like he radiated fear, but knew to any onlooker he simply looked cold.
What if Richard followed him this time? What if he was still looking for a fight? For blood?
No, no, he wouldn't do that. He never had before, why start now?
The fight had started small, as they always do. A complaint about Billy's lunch with Tommy, how he was never home anymore. Rude comments and petty words at Billy's self esteem soon progressed into pushes and shouts.
"I was spending time with my brother, Ric! It's not like I was out fooling around!" Billy had tried to defend himself, but Richard wasn't listening. He didn't care who Billy was with if it wasn't Ric. His punch had caught them both by surprise, but didn't stop their screaming match, just stoked the flames. "Fuck off, Ric! I'm tired of this, of you! Accusing of me of shit all the time, hitting me!”
"Oh, so you're finally listening to your conniving little bitch of a brother, huh? He's trying to get between us, Billy! Why can't you see that!" Ric snapped back, hands gripping onto Billy's shoulders. "He's jealous of what we have, what we had until you started listening to his crap." Ric pushed him, Billy's calves hitting hard against the coffee table.
"Don't talk about Tommy that way you asshole!" Billy was quick to come back, a hand pushing at Ric's chest. "You're proving everything he's said! Maybe I should have listened to him sooner!"
"He's a fucking liar!" Ric spun them around and slammed his fist into the wall beside Billy’s head. He flinched away from the punch, away from Ric. "What, are you gonna go fuck him now? Is that why you're always with him? You cheating on me with your own brother?" Ric's voice rose with each word, like he was making it up as he went along, being spurred on by his own words.
"I'm not cheating on you!" Billy yelled for the millionth time, voice shaking with fear. Ric had already hit him once this time and he'd been drinking, he wasn't sure what Ric was capable of and he wasn't keen on finding it out. Billy pushed himself flat against the wall as Richard took a threatening step forward.
"I think you are. Wouldn't be the first time, now would it?" Ric sneered, his voice low and dangerous as he crowded into Billy, both hands on either side, effectively locking him in.
"That was a kiss years ago, I was drunk! I've apologized!" Billy tried to reason, although he knew Ric couldn't be reasoned with. Ric's punch hit hard this time, knocking Billy's head into the wall with a crack. His vision swam, the pain over taking him.
Billy shook himself out of the memory as he buzzed for Tommy's apartment.
"Casa de Sheperd," Tommy's voice crackled over the speaker.
"Do you even know Spanish?” He knew his voice sounded shaky and raw so he tried to clear his throat. It didn't help. "It's Billy."
Only once he was safely sitting on Tommy's couch, a blanket wrapped around him and a warm cup of coffee in his hands, did he let himself truly relax. He'd been tense since the fight started hours ago, but now that he knew he was safe his shoulders sagged in relief, tears prickling at the corners of his eyes.
"What happened to your face?" Tommy came back into the room with fresh coffee in his own hands. Billy saw the worried twist to his twin's eyes and guilt churned in his stomach. "Don't even try the 'I fell down the stairs' bullshit you pulled as a kid. We both know you are lying, so spit it out."
"We had a fight." Billy muttered, looking down to his cup, away from Tommy's piercing eyes. He could see out of the corner of his eye as Tommy's whole body tensed up, fists clenching tight by his sides. "It's not as bad as it looks, though, Tommy I swear. It won't happen again." The silence after that had Billy afraid to look up and when he finally did he could see the anger twisted into Tommy's face.
"I'm going to kill him. He's a fucking dead man, shit. He thinks he can just hurt you and get away with it. He thought fucking wrong." Tommy's voice was no more than a growl.
"No, Tommy, it's fine, okay? Don't worry about it, I promise I have it handle. I just need a place to crash until he calms down and we will talk about it like rational adults. He won't hit me again, okay? He promised." Of course, staying at Tommy's place might not really help the situation, considering the fight they had. Yet he had nowhere else to go. No one else to turn to.
"You're not seriously thinking about going back to him." Tommy's voice was flat, his arms crossed against his chest showing just how much he hated that idea. "Billy, really?"
"What else am I supposed to do? I'm not going to just up and leave him because we got in one stupid fight." Billy snapped, eyes narrowed into slits. "I told you, I'm not going to let it happen again. I love him. I can't," Billy lost the bite in his voice, “I can't just leave him.”
"He hit you! He's a manipulative asshole! I don't see what you can even like about him! He obviously doesn't care about you if he's treating you this way!" Tommy yelled, throwing his hands up in the air. They glared at each other for a moment before Billy deflated the rest of the way, exhaustion creeping in like the morning fog.
"Look," Billy muttered with a sigh, putting his cup on the end table and shoving a hand through his hair, "I don't want to fight with you too, Tommy. Can we talk about this tomorrow? Please? I'm tired and just," Billy paused, looking over Tommy’s rigged stance. Tommy's jaw tightened for a moment, before he visually forced himself to calm down, hands settling by his sides. "Just don't want to do this right now, okay?"
"Okay.” Tommy rubbed a hand across his face, “Just one more question and I'll let you sleep, I promise." Billy frowned up at him, but nodded as a go-ahead anyways, "Are you even in love with him anymore, B?"
Billy froze, the question catching him off guard. He rubbed at his eyes with both hands before settling them in his lap. He stared intently at his hands as if he could find his answers there within the swirling finger prints. "I don't know.” He stopped, considered his next words carefully, “I mean, I love him, surely," Billy met Tommy’s eyes, voice thick as if he was trying to convince both Tommy and himself, "and he loves me too. I know he does. But," He sighed. Tommy crossed the room and sat down next to the brunette, pulling him into a hug. “Am I in love with him? I'm not sure anymore.” Billy could feel the tears flowing down his face and he tried to scrub them away.
"Hey," Tommy nudged him softly, "It's going to be okay. They say everything has to get worse before it gets better, right?" Tommy whispered into Billy's hair, holding him tightly.
"Do you really believe that?" Billy's voice was small; weak compared to the Billy he'd known. So different to the formally defiant teen. Tommy knew Billy had gone through a lot, but hadn't realized how much it'd affected him.
"No, but I'm trying to make you feel better, not tell you what I think is best for you. Take it or leave it, shortcakes." Billy's laugh was what Tommy was hoping for, but the choked sob after made it less rewarding.
"I'm scared it won't."