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He has Jonghyun pinned against the wall. Jinki doesn’t even know what exactly sparked it but one second Jonghyun is teasing him in the hallway in front of their dorm, and the next Jinki has grabbed his wrists and has pushed him with his back against the wall next to the front door and they’re kissing. Jonghyun’s tongue is in his mouth. Suddenly, his senses are engulfed in Jonghyun’s warmth, his scent, and he’s drowning in a feeling of overwhelm from wanting something for so long and then without warning being caught in the middle of it.
‘Hyung, fuck. Now. Yes, yes, yes, please. Please.’ Jonghyun says between heated, bruising kisses.
His fingers are grabbing Jinki’s belt and Jinki doesn’t even think about where they are and what they’re doing and the implications it might have if they’re caught. He just mirrors Jonghyun’s movements and starts unbuttoning the flannel Jonghyun is wearing, pushing away the fabric and pulling up his shirt as if they can’t be caught any second by their members or a manager, or even a random neighbour in the place they’re at. Jinki doesn’t care, and neither does Jonghyun because he’s quicker than Jinki at undressing him and then suddenly his hand reaches, and-
Jinki wakes up with a start.
He’s panting, he’s way too hot and he has no idea where he is for a second, until his eyes adjust to the darkness and he recognises his own familiar room in the dorm.
He tries to go back to sleep, in a futile effort to maybe finish the dream, finish whatever forbidden activities him and dream-Jonghyun were getting up to.
It doesn’t work, and Jinki sighs, kicks his blanket off of him.
Maybe it’s better this way, he thinks. Maybe the part of his brain where dreams are made wants to protect him a little, leave some of his sanity intact and leave him right at the edge of complete disintegration.
But the edge right now also brings something problematic, something that’s begging for his attention.
He feels it, the evidence of it straining against his boxers and for a moment he thinks about doing something about it, but decides against it quickly. There’d be a good chance he wouldn’t be able to sleep afterwards because of the guilt clawing at his insides.
He has to do something with the restless energy though, so he gets up to get some water and maybe something to eat from the kitchen.
It’s the middle of the night, and he doesn’t expect anyone to be there. To be fair, usually there isn’t. They have an early morning schedule the next day -or really later today, since it’s 3 am- and everyone usually makes sure they get as much sleep as possible whenever they can.
But as soon as Jinki steps out into the hallway, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head to somehow get rid of the remnants of the dream still flashing like snapshots across his mind, he notices there’s a light on.
He takes just a beat too long to turn around and make a quick retreat, and whoever is still up has already noticed him.
‘Hyung?’ a soft voice calls.
Jinki’s heart sinks. Of course, of course it has to be Jonghyun.
Sweet Jjong, who can’t sleep so often these days, and usually goes to do other things when that happens. He writes, he composes, he reads, sometimes he even goes to the agency to sing, but on very rare occasions he wakes Jinki up to discuss something, or to show him something. Those moments make Jinki feel like he’s special, chosen to be let in on Jonghyun’s own little world.
Jinki’s sleep drunk brain didn’t even consider the option of Jonghyun being here in the living room and he realises that he has to do something quickly or he’s going to make this a lot worse for himself.
He can just go back quickly and grab some sweatpants.
He quietly retreats and searches his discarded pile of clothes for pants. He curses himself for always being way too diligent about folding clothes and putting them away neatly because apart from some shirts he can’t find his sweatpants, and then he nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears a quiet voice from the doorway,
‘What are you doing?’
He freezes, for just a second, and then he forces himself to just keep searching calmly and pretend nothing is wrong. Maybe Jonghyun won’t notice, he’s with his back turned towards him, partly obstructing Jonghyun’s view.
‘Hey, Jjong,’ he says calmly, ‘I woke up randomly and couldn’t sleep anymore.’
If Jonghyun finds it weird that Jinki isn’t addressing him properly to his face, he doesn’t say it, and just as Jinki thinks he might get away from this precarious situation unscathed, he spots his sweatpants in the corner on the other side of the room, draped over his chair where he left it just yesterday.
Jinki wants to cry.
‘You too? It was the same thing for me, I was dreaming, and it was so vivid. Hyung, you were there too. We were in a forest, and we were following this fox towards a well and when we looked in there, there was no reflection. And then suddenly we fell in, and I woke up with that weird feeling that you get sometimes, where your stomach drops.’
Jonghyun rambles on about his dream and walks over to Jinki’s bed, while Jinki still pretends to search in the other corner of his room. He sits down with his legs crossed on the foot end, continuing on, and Jinki would normally sit down with him and gladly hear all about it but right now, it’s like the universe is playing some kind of sick joke on him. Him and Jonghyun, in separate rooms, both dreaming. One whimsical and unique, as befitting for him, but the other trapped in his unattainable desire and betrayed by his own body.
Jink finally gives up, and hopes Jonghyun is too focused on his story to notice Jinki’s condition, which hasn’t let up even a little during this whole ordeal because the source of all trouble is sitting right there on his bed, wearing just shorts and a loose fitting tank top. Jinki thinks he must look completely ridiculous, as he walks mechanically to the other side of the room and snatches his sweatpants from the chair, then puts them on quickly.
His hands are shaking.
He turns, tries to tune in on what Jonghyun is saying, but he’s stopped talking and now looks at him expectantly.
Jinki’s face heats up.
‘Sorry, I- what were you saying? I’m kind of out of it.’
Jonghyun -bless his heart- doesn’t even get angry, his brows just furrow in concern, and he asks,
‘What is it, hyung? Did you have a bad dream?’
Jinki almost wants to laugh.
Instead, he just sighs, runs a hand through his hair.
‘No, not a bad dream, it’s just… I just…’
I’m in love with you.
I can’t do anything about it.
‘I couldn’t sleep.’ He says again weakly and god, he wishes he could think of a better excuse but he’s tired and stressed and still he feels an ache, an ache so deep it makes his bones heavy and his heart burn.
Something in Jonghyun’s voice changes and there’s a tender look on his face as he says, ‘if you’re not in the mood to talk it’s fine, you know. I can just go back to my room, or be by myself for a bit. I’m used to it, it’s no problem.’
Jinki knows Jonghyun means it and he should really send him away. He’s offering the perfect way out. But the truth is, despite his own discomfort, what is most important to him above all else is Jonghyun’s wellbeing. And if Jonghyun wants to talk to him he will listen.
‘No. No please, I want to talk. Maybe it’ll help us both sleep.’ He tries for a smile, and it has to be at least a little bit convincing because Jonghyun nods and pats the sheets next to him.
Jinki goes to sit against the headboard and bends his knees, hoping it will help him hide his problem.
‘But, what did you dream about, hyung? I told you about mine, I wanna hear about yours.’
Jinki doesn’t have time to think of an excuse, so he just blurts out the first thing he can think of,
‘Dancing.’
The corner of Jonghyun’s mouth twitches, and he turns towards Jinki, who’s still leaned backwards, his legs like a barrier to separate Jonghyun from him at least a little.
‘Dancing? Like, practice?’
‘Uh, yeah, we- we were practicing.’ Jinki feels like it’s getting warmer by the minute, and this whole conversation feels almost like an interrogation to him even though Jonghyun is just genuinely interested.
‘Are you that worried about the new choreography, hyung? You’ll be fine, tomorrow we’ll work on it a bit more, we can practice here if-’
‘-no.’ Jinki says resolutely and Jonghyun stops, watches him with raised eyebrows.
Jinki closes his eyes in frustration. He’s being rude, he’s blowing Jonghyun off and it’s because of something that Jonghyun has no way of knowing about.
Jonghyun just stays quiet now, watching him.
‘You seem stressed though, do you want to talk about it? Or do you want me to just talk about something else?’
Jonghyun is being so very considerate. Maybe because it’s rare for Jinki to be so out of control. Jonghyun is usually the one he goes to when he needs advice, or a listening ear. It’s always after he’s thought about it himself at length. He has it all organised in his head and Jonghyun always approaches it with a solemnity that makes Jinki feel heard, and seen. But this time, there hasn’t been any time for Jinki to arrange his thoughts, and it all comes out raw and unfiltered.
Jonghyun’s eyes tell Jinki that he’s trying to find out what it is that makes Jinki act so out of character.
Jinki doesn’t know what to say, and he considers telling the truth, or half of it, at least.
‘I’m just… I woke up with a bit of a problem, and I’m having trouble getting rid of it.’ Jinki says, before his courage can dissipate.
His breathing sounds too loud in the following silence. He tries to smile at Jonghyun, who is frowning, trying to figure out what Jinki is talking about.
‘I’m too old for this, who knew these things still happen in your twenties?’ he chuckles, and it sounds a little self-deprecating because he’s already dug his hole now, he might as well lie in it.
He sees it, the moment it dawns on Jonghyun.
Jinki feels like his face is on fire at this point.
Jonghyun’s eyes hold his and Jinki feels defeated, shifting uncomfortably under Jonghyun’s examining gaze.
Then his eyes drop lower, and they widen.
‘Oh.’ He says, and he blinks. Processing the new information. Jinki can almost see the gears turning in his head.
Jinki keeps still, waiting for the lame joke to lighten the mood. Or the subtle hint telling him to go fix it, whereafter he’ll leave.
But none of that happens. Instead, Jinki watches with wonder how Jonghyun’s eyes darken, and how he shifts closer.
Jinki can’t do anything, say anything. He doesn’t even think he’s breathing anymore.
‘That must be so uncomfortable…’ Jonghyun says, voice lowering.
Jinki doesn’t understand what’s happening. His mouth opens to say something, but nothing comes out. He closes it again.
Jonghyun’s hand comes up, his knuckles graze his cheek. Jinki almost lets out a sound then, but he swallows it down. His whole body is frozen in place, and he thinks for a split second he might still be asleep.
‘So, that dream of yours… want to tell me about it some more?’ Jonghyun asks, a smirk appearing on his face and Jinki isn’t sure he isn’t being mocked. But Jonghyun isn’t that cruel, right?
‘I… we were…’ Jinki can’t think anymore because Jonghyun has placed his hand on his thigh and is pushing his leg to the side to make space.
Jonghyun just waits, and he looks amused now, patiently waiting for Jinki to collect himself enough to speak.
Jinki clears his throat.
‘We… arrived at the dorm together.’ He croaks.
‘Hmmmh. And then?’ Jonghyun sounds like he’s gently coaxing a wild animal towards his outstretched hand, to get it to eat from it.
Jinki thinks he might indeed be a wild animal, with the way all of his muscles are pulled taut, and he is nearly trembling from the feeling of being trapped, uncertain, exposed.
Jonghyun leans towards him, and then shifts so he’s kneeling between his legs, towering over him.
‘I kissed you.’ Jinki admits, his voice hoarse. He closes his eyes.
Jonghyun chuckles, it’s a low, appealing sound that does absolutely nothing to prevent more blood from rushing south.
‘And you woke up like this just from that? Come on, I can do better than that, hyung.’ His tone is blatantly flirtatious, sensual. If this is indeed actually a dream, then it’s one that’s taken inspiration from some of Jinki’s most secret, personal thoughts. Like a page ripped out of his diary and used as a template.
‘You also…’ he trails off, too embarrassed to say it even though Jonghyun is the one who is now bringing this whole situation towards a dangerous place.
‘Aw, my poor hyung, it must be painful at this point.’ Jonghyun is not really mocking him, but he is playing a little game, enjoying himself at the cost of Jinki’s suffering but Jinki is too desperate to be mad about it.
Then, a small voice inside his head chimes up, telling him if this all goes right he might actually get to have some relief, finally. After all this time.
Jinki nods, now staring back at Jonghyun, trying to convey in his eyes what he wants, if Jonghyun is willing to give it.
It feels wrong, still, to have this happen so suddenly and in this way. A part of him wants to talk about it first, to find out how Jonghyun feels about him. But the ache in his belly and between his legs is currently winning from reason.
He tries one last time, to restrain himself, to shake off the thick fog that’s overtaken every thought in his brain, and has tainted it with a desire so strong it’s overwhelming every other sense.
He almost opens his mouth to say something, but then,
‘Should I help you?’ Jonghyun asks almost innocently now.
No. ‘Yes.’
He just can’t help himself. It’s a test in resolve, a true challenge that he’s being presented with and Jinki is a weak man because he simply can’t resist.
He never could resist Jonghyun.
There’s a beat of silence where Jonghyun is hanging over him, staring down at him and then he carefully, very slowly lowers himself. Jinki’s heartbeat is like a flutter of wings, so fast it’s taking his breath away. Or maybe Jonghyun and his soft lips that are now moving against his are responsible for the sudden assault on his nervous system.
It’s careful, at first, searching. Then, Jonghyun presses on and makes a little strangled noise. It’s dizzying. Jinki’s hands grab the fabric of Jonghyun’s top and he pulls.
It’s off, and there’s skin. So much bare skin for him to touch, and he does. He lets his hands slide across Jonghyun’s chest, and Jonghyun makes a deep, guttural noise. It reverberates through him, and Jonghyun deepens the kiss, his tongue sliding across his bottom lip.
Then, he feels Jonghyun’s hand at his crotch. No reservations are left. Jonghyun has a goal, and he’s determined to take the fast route there.
Jinki gasps into the kiss when Jonghyun grips him through his sweats. He is so sensitive it almost hurts so any stimulation feels like relief, while at the same time it winds him up further, making him want more.
Lucky for him, Jonghyun is greedy for more of him and he pulls his sweats down together with his underwear.
Then he breaks the kiss, and Jinki feels lightheaded. He is slumped against the headboard, half lying down and he must look as wrecked as he feels.
He finds Jonghyun’s eyes and his pupils are dark, blown out.
‘I’m going to suck you off.’ Jonghyun announces.
Jinki makes a noise bordering on insanity and Jonghyun nods to himself, as if solidifying the thought now that it’s out of his mouth.
Then, he pulls Jinki’s sweat off completely and Jinki is thankful he never got around to putting on a shirt because he’s already overheated, burning up from the wildfire that is Jonghyun.
Jonghyun lowers himself between his legs, slides his hands up Jinki’s thighs. Jinki throws his head back, more than ready to receive anything Jonghyun wants to give.
He feels his hot breath on him, then his lips ghost over the tip.
Jinki whimpers, earning him another low chuckle.
‘So sensitive.’ Jonghyun whispers, and it demolishes the last of Jinki’s sanity, the way he can feel Jonghyun’s lips move against his tip.
There’s no time to think, there’s only a moment where Jinki grips the headboard for dear life as Jonghyun slides his mouth on his dick, with a torturously slow pace.
‘Fuck, Jjong.’ He groans, the nickname slipping out in the moment of desperation. There’s nothing to hide here, with Jonghyun’s head between his legs, his mouth around him.
He makes it to the base, but barely, and almost chokes on it because of Jinki’s above average size. But Jonghyun doesn’t stray from his goal, he just tries again, and Jinki is seeing stars. He doesn’t think he’s ever had his dick sucked with this much dedication.
Jonghyun moans and then swipes his tongue along the underside, across the head. Jinki is close to nearly crying and Jonghyun doesn’t stop even for a second, instead just continues moving up and down and increasing the pace.
Jonghyun is whimpering onto him, and Jinki notices him tremble. It’s a moment before he realises it’s because Jonghyun is jerking himself off.
The reality where Jonghyun is giving himself pleasure at the same time as he’s giving Jinki his, is suddenly speeding up the build-up of his orgasm and he barely has enough time to warn Jonghyun before his dick twitches and he’s coming in Jonghyun’s mouth.
Jonghyun moans, and Jinki gasps, and he’s experiencing complete utter euphoria as starbursts go off behind his eyelids. It comes in waves, and it lasts a long time while his back arches off the bed. All the while, Jonghyun keeps going and coaxes the last drops of come from him with his tongue.
Jinki is boneless, chest heaving and he feels Jonghyun move, still, even as he releases him from his mouth. He moves over him, and Jinki opens his eyes to see him jerk himself off desperately and there’s a clear question in his eyes.
Jinki nods, a jolt of heat spiking through him as he realises Jonghyun has swallowed his load.
‘Yes, come for me, Jonghyun-ah. Show hyung what you can do.’
He whispers it, reaches out to stroke Jonghyun’s cheekbone, then slides his hand in his hair and finds purchase. He holds him gently in place, and Jonghyun whines.
Then between one breath and the next he’s coming and Jinki feels it land on his stomach and his chest.
He watches, wide-eyed as Jonghyun shudders, and half collapses on top of him.
It’s making a mess, but it seems they’re both too fucked-out to care.
Jinki’s hands hover over Jonghyun for a second, before he closes his arms around him. It’s a few minutes before his thoughts are finally coherent enough to make a little sense of what just happened, and immediately one specific question is fighting for Jinki’s attention.
What does this mean?
He ignores it, pushes it away, in favour of nuzzling his nose into Jonghyun’s hair, letting his hands roam free over all of his wonderful nakedness. He doesn’t know when Jonghyun managed to get rid of his pants but he must have not been wearing any underwear underneath.
Jonghyun is still trying to catch his breath, groaning softly, almost purring into Jinki’s touch and Jinki doesn’t want it to end. His heart is hammering in his chest, and it’s another few minutes before he can find words.
‘Jonghyun-ah…’ he begins but Jonghyun just shushes him and then shifts so he can catch Jinki’s mouth. The kiss is messy, with barely any coordination but it doesn’t make it any less hot. Jonghyun melts into him completely and Jinki wants to stop thinking about the repercussions of what just happened, he wants to stop thinking about tomorrow, and the day after.
He indulges himself, tells himself it’s okay, it will be okay and this won’t change anything. He doesn’t believe it entirely but manages to turn off the ever-present voice inside his head long enough for him to fall asleep with Jonghyun on top of him, held tightly in his arms.