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In a perfect world, Jiwoo isn’t a coward.
She wouldn’t feel lonely even if she’s laughing beside her on stage. Her dazzled eyes would meet an equally as mesmerized gaze, and she’d be leaning into her warmth, not pretending to hate it and shrinking away.
In a perfect world, Jiwoo could say the words “I like you” out loud and not let them drown out the rest of her thoughts whenever she’s with her.
But this isn’t a perfect world. It’s reality. Jiwoo is someone Chaeyeon can rely on, joke around with, and feel comfortable with.
She’s one of her most trusted companions in the group. But… Was there ever a time where, while Jiwoo wasn’t looking, Chaeyeon had ever looked at her the way Jiwoo does for her?
Admiration, care, love?
It would be a lie to say that Jiwoo doesn’t fret over the details.
Gapyeong, sixth member, Chaeyeon moves out.
She’d been trying so hard to subtly convince the older girl to stay in their Haus, their room, our room, unnie, you’re leaving, won’t you stay with me?
Why couldn’t she have just said it? If she did, would Chaeyeon have stayed?
EVOLution, green room, styling chair, blanket hug, not letting her get up.
“Please stop loving me too much,” Jiwoo said that day, while Chaeyeon’s hug was preventing her from going too far. In actuality, she wanted to stay like that forever, but could only let those words come out of her mouth, hug back for a few seconds, and peel herself away from her.
Hatchi, together, airport, fansite camera.
Chaeyeon was tapping repeatedly on her cheek, silently asking for a kiss on the cheek from her. If she really went in and kissed her, it would feel too real, would give her false hope that one day those kinds of things could become an everyday thing in reality. She didn’t give in. Instead, she kept smiling and laughing, teasing her like usual.
Why is Chaeyeon so clingy? Why to her of all people? And if it’s not to her, why not her?
“Yah, Lee Jiwoo!” her door burst open without warning. As for who the intruder is, the action could only be attributed to one Gong Yubin.
Jiwoo is forced out of her mopey inner monologue and rolls her eyes, sitting up in bed. “How did you get into my house? Missed me too much?”
Yubin sticks her tongue out and sits on her bed, reaching over to grab Jiwoo’s pair of glasses from the nightstand and perching them onto her own nose. “Don’t you know, I’m basically an honorary Lee. And as if—I came for Berry.”
“Don’t lie. I know you came straight to my room,” Jiwoo retorts, laughing and shaking her head. “What are you even doing here?”
She’s been friends with the girl for many years now, for ages since before they even joined tripleS. Unfortunately, that means Yubin has half a mind to bother her whenever she notices something is wrong.
The blonde narrows her eyes at her in jest, then her expression shifts to a more neutral one, knowing eyes staring into her soul. She sighs and looks away, staring up at the ceiling. “I was thinking. That we should have a talk before dinner.”
Jiwoo doesn’t say anything for a while. She draws her knees in toward her chest and hugs them tight—a grounding action for what’s to come. Suddenly the dim lighting in her room, meant for relaxation and ease of mind, has turned somber. She forces a laugh anyway, though it comes out as a deprecating chuckle. “What do we need a talk for?”
“As your loving best friend, I am inclined to check on your state of being before big events in our lives,” Yubin turns and flashes a grin at her before staring back up at the ceiling. “You and Chaeyeon-unnie are apart for the first time.”
The taller is at a loss. How the girl is able to read her so easily is beyond her. She clears her throat. “Yeah, so?”
Yubin groans in exasperation. “You never make this easy. But I guess that’s where we’re so similar. Are you just going to stand there and watch her from afar now instead of acting like you’re not affected when she’s right next to you?”
Cough! “I, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jiwoo feels the tips of her ears burn and a longing ache in her chest. The thought has plagued her mind ever since Chaeyeon had been voted into sun. It will be their first time promoting in different subunits. They’d been together since Krystal Eyes, EVOLution, Aria, Hatchi. All those times, they were close and would rarely be apart.
She feels a pressure on her nose. Yubin has taken the glasses from her own face and put them on Jiwoo. “Maybe you don’t realize that I can see it. It’s clear to everyone that you’ve liked her since forever. Why don’t you tell her?”
Unable to look into her friend’s eyes, she lets go of her knees and crosses her legs, resting her hands on top of her blanket. “Chaeyeon-unnie is very professional. It’s all for the camera, and—” she swallows thickly, attempting to tug the blanket toward her but failing due to the other girl sitting on it. “—and she doesn’t like me like that.”
“How do you know she doesn’t? Did she tell you?” Yubin raises an eyebrow. “Hey, if you don’t take her first I might just steal her away from you.”
Yubin? Steal Chaeyeon away?
…Would it better if she did? If Chaeyeon were happier with Yubin, then… then she wouldn’t mind.
But if Jiwoo were the one to… No, never mind that. It’s better for things to stay the same after all.
Feeling suffocated, she flicks Gong Yubin on the forehead.
The girl recoils, touching her new wound with her fingers. “Ow! What the—”
“I’m going to help Mom with dinner. Come if you want to eat tonight.”
First day of promotions. Chaeyeon is so energetic on stage today. There’s not a single moment where they’re close together on stage. She can only watch her from afar when she’s in her view.
Second day of promotions. Chaewon said before that Chaeyeon needs to work on her cuteness for sun’s concept, and Jiwoo disagreed because to her, any moment of Chaeyeon is when she’s the cutest. But as she watches the stage from the green room, eyes automatically trailing over to the older girl even during another member’s part, she thinks the infectious energy from Chaewon that made it to Chaeyeon is another flavor of cuteness she needs to digest.
Fifth day of promotions. It’s the weekend, so after the activities of the day conclude, some of the members including her and Chaeyeon go out for dinner. They’re sat on opposite sides of the table. Jiwoo laughs loudly at something Hayeon says, something about containing their unit’s energy with her charms, and she spots Chaeyeon giggling at something Nien says. Jiwoo wants to go over there and sit with them, so that the next time Chaeyeon laughs it’ll be because of her. She stays in her seat and sips on her second cup of iced tea.
Eighth day of promotions. Jiwoo’s package comes and she opens it to find a box containing Chaeyeon’s collaboration perfume with Maison 21G Paris. She’d ordered it as soon as it dropped on the website, and though it made quite a dent in her pocket money she’s very satisfied with it. She texts Chaeyeon a picture of the opened box and receives a mass of heart emojis in return.
The first two weeks of promotions have ended, and today she has a free day. Jiwoo decides to lounge around in Yubin’s room and maybe grab a bite to eat before heading home, but well, it turns out that blonde idiot tiger is hanging out with her Jiyeon-unnie today.
So she’s stolen a drink from Yubin’s fridge and is now sipping on it while scrolling on her phone. So boring. So tired. She wants something interesting to happen before she goes to bed today and dreams of—Ahem.
Ding!
A text. From Chaeyeon.
kim chaeyeon unnie ☺️ [12:43 pm]
lee jiwoo
you’re at the haus?
you [12:43 pm]
yeah
why
kim chaeyeon unnie ☺️ [12:43 pm]
come to my room
i have something for you
you [12:44 pm]
???
What could she possibly have for her? A gift? Skincare products? The usual gift that members are always into giving each other? Or… Ah, maybe it’s a… a kiss…?
Jiwoo’s face turns bright red, all self-inflicted. Rid yourself of these thoughts, Lee Jiwoo! She takes a sip of the peach-flavored Milkis she took from Yubin before heading over to Chaeyeon’s room.
How does she know she's here?
The older girl’s room is not too far from Yubin’s, and she makes it there in no time. However, she hesitates before knocking, not able to name the feeling of dread taking over her. After a few seconds of loitering around, she raps her knuckles against the wood. Once. Twice.
The door swings open and she’s yanked inside—no greeting or anything. And she’s suddenly feeling very warm. She looks down and sees a mop of black hair and the older girl’s face buried into her neck. Chaeyeon is hugging her! She wastes no time in wrapping her arms around the girl, patting her head a few times.
After a few seconds, Jiwoo feels awkward. She coughs and loosens her arms, enough for the girl to escape if need be.
“Unnie. What do you have?” she asks, curiosity getting the better of her.
Chaeyeon pulls away, smiling. So beautiful. Jiwoo wants to take a photo and hang it up in a museum. “Surprise, I lied. I don’t have anything for you.”
Huh? Jiwoo frowns and tilts her head. “So what did you call me here for?”
The older pouts and crosses her arms. “You really have no idea how a woman’s heart works, do you? Can you even guess why?”
“Uh…” she pauses, trying to think of a reason. It’s no use—she comes up short. “Can’t you just tell me?”
She receives a weak punch to her shoulder in response, and really she didn’t feel anything but she acts like she’d just been thrown a brick at, wincing and holding where she’d been punched.
Chaeyeon sighs and shakes her head. “Do I need a reason? I just missed you, is all.”
No need for a reason. Missing her is already a given, so come over!
Jiwoo stammers. “Unnie, don’t—don’t say things like that.”
Hearing this, the other girl smirks and leans closer, closer, too close, stop, I can’t handle it, too close.
She feels Chaeyeon’s breath fanning against her lips. The older bats her eyelashes. “Why? Do you like me, Jiwoo-yah?”
The younger backs up against the door, but the gap between them doesn’t widen at all. Feeling helpless, she stutters. “I, I.”
You fool! Tell her already! A voice in her head yells.
But she… What if she doesn’t like her back? What if she tells her and this changes everything?
She can’t, she wants to stay by her side, not push her away. She wants to be her rock, someone that will always be there for her to lean on, but if she confesses then she won’t be able to be that anymore.
Chaeyeon finally backs off the tiniest bit, enough for her to breathe normally again. But now she’s mad. She’s frowning all deep and her brows are furrowed. Why?
Why? Of course it’s Jiwoo’s fault, she didn’t answer the question.
“Lee Jiwoo, you coward!” Chaeyeon cries, turning away with a huff.
Jiwoo widens her eyes and takes a step forward, hand reaching out. “Unnie, that’s…”
“How am I supposed to tell you my response if you don’t even tell me in the first place, idiot, idiot, idiot...”
Response? Tell her?
“Response to what? What are you talking about?” Jiwoo questions, blinking rapidly. She can’t possibly know about that.
Chaeyeon turns back around and pushes her index finger against Jiwoo’s chest. “All you have to do is say it to my face. You know I won’t take anything other than what you say directly to me. All you have to say is, Chaeyeon-unnie, I…”
The rest of her words are drowned out by her thoughts. Don’t tell her. Don't tell her. Don’t tell her. Don’t tell her.
Chaeyeon’s response? Why would she bring that up if she didn’t…
But… What if… What if, what if, what if.
“Chaeyeon-unnie, I…”
She’ll hate you. She’ll call you unprofessional and tell you to get out.
No, Chaeyeon wouldn’t do that. Jiwoo’s so, so close to just saying it already.
Gong Yubin’s voice echoes in her mind. If you don’t take her first I might just steal her away from you.
And another one, louder, stoking the flames, Go for it, Lee Jiwoo!
She blinks hard, turning beet red.
“Chaeyeon-unnie, I like you!”
The next thing she knows, she’s tasting peach-flavored lip gloss.