Work Text:
EXT. WOODS: DAY
Doreen walks through the woods, camera in hand.
Doreen VO:
I’ve basically been a loner my whole life. High school was kind of rough.
INT: SCHOOL: DAY
Cut to: Shots of a younger Doreen in High School getting picked on. Books knocked out of her hands, shoved into her locker, etc… And while it angers her, she takes it quietly.
EXT. WOODS: DAY
Doreen VO:
To be honest, sometimes I feel like I fit in better with the wildlife than I do with my peers. Everyone wants to be special, but in the end we just settle for feeling safe. I guess I'm all right with that. In the woods, I feel a lot safer than I do anywhere else.
She holds up her camera as she nears a little squirrel and, slowly, crouches down.
Doreen:
Okay, little guy. Hold still.
To her surprise, the squirrel she spoke to freezes long enough for her to snap a picture. She pulls away from her camera, and narrows her eyes.
Doreen:
Huh.
The squirrel chitters in response and straightens, almost like it’s waiting for another.
Doreen:
Holy cow… wish there were more of you guys, this is incredible.
She goes to take another picture when a dozen small shadows cross over her as more squirrels join the first one. Doreen pulls back, eyes wide, as the squirrels stare expectantly up at her.
Doreen:
You’ve got to be kidding me.
INT: LIBRARY, GROCERY STORE, APARTMENT: DAY
Friend VO:
You’re a part time student, a part time nanny, and a full time spaz. Maybe you're just a little stressed.
Cut to: Shots of Doreen searching for books in the library, shopping for baby food, and slowly freaking out as she starts finding squirrel evidence around her apartment.
Doreen (talking to one of the squirrels):
I don’t get it. Did I eat radioactive corn or something? Did I get bitten by a mutant squirrel and somehow forget about it? How is this even happening?
EXT. WOODS: DAY
Cut to: Doreen is suddenly able to climb trees rapidly, and has drastically improved speed and agility.
INT. LIBRARY: DAY
Cut to: She is just sitting, minding her own business in the library, (possibly reading Marvel Superheroes Volume 2, Issue 8, in which Squirrel Girl first appears) when she smells something. She sniffs, moving through the library, until she stumbles on someone who’s left a bag of nuts or trail mix out. This freaks her out a little, but she can’t deny she finds it kind of cool.
INT. APARTMENT: DAY
Cut to: Doreen paces the house on the phone with her mother.
Doreen:
Did I ever have any weird… anomalies as a kid?
Mom:
Well, there was that vestigial tail you had removed as a baby. Would you say that counts?
Doreen pauses when she notes a furry squirrel tail sticking out of the top of one of her cereal boxes.
Doreen:
Yes, Mom, I'd say having a tail counts as weird.
EXT. CAFÉ: DAY
Cut to: Doreen sits down with her friend, obviously frazzled. In the background, there are visible flyers advertising memorials for the Battle of New York and pro or anti mutant rallies.
Doreen:
I can talk to squirrels.
Friend:
So can I. I think the problem would be if the squirrels can talk back. Honey, do the squirrels talk back?
Doreen:
…not technically.
INT. APARTMENT: DAY
Cut to: Doreen is in her house, talking to a small group of squirrels.
Doreen:
Okay. Ground rules. You store your nuts outside. If I ask you to put the clothes in the wash when I’m gone, don’t put anything /else/ in the wash. And if you’re going to live in this house, you’re going to use to toilet.
Cut to shots of: Doreen opens a cabinet and screams as nuts flow out. Doreen pulls a shirt out of the laundry only to discover a squirrel started storing random things in there. Doreen rigs up a special place for squirrels to sit while using the toilet.
EXT. PARK BENCH: DAY
Cut to: Doreen's bag starts to shift around while she sits either in class or in public. She opens it up and her eyes widen. There's a squirrel in it.
Doreen:
Joe! What are you doing?
Joe glances up at her and shrugs, munching on a granola bar.
EXT. NEIGHBORHOOD: DAY
Doreen VO (as though taken from another part of the movie):
When I said I wanted to be special, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind.
Doreen is walking and she sees a bully picking on some kid. In a tree above him, there are a couple of squirrels.
Doreen:
Hey!
The bully and the squirrels glance up. Doreen grins a little.
Doreen:
Sic 'em!
The squirrels jump on the bully, sufficiently freaking him out, and Doreen helps the bullied kid to get away.
Speedball VO:
Maybe your kind of special is exactly what we need.
EXT. ANY: DAY
Cut to: Speedball, a superhero on whom Doreen is crushing hard, grins at her. Doreen freezes, looking a little stunned and goofy. Her main squirrel sidekick (Monkey Joe) teases her.
Doreen:
Oh shut up, Joe.
INT. APARTMENT: NIGHT
Cut to: Dramatic shots of her assembling the Squirrel Girl costume.
Doreen VO:
Maybe I can make this work. I had a rough time as a kid. Maybe I can make a difference for someone else. Make the world a little safer for everyone.
EXT. ALLEY: NIGHT
Cut to: A thug is trying to rob someone. Doreen steps into the frame gunslinger style.
Doreen:
Back off!
Thug:
Oh yeah? You gonna make me?
Doreen:
No. My friends are.
Thug:
And who are your friends.
Behind him, the faint silhouettes of squirrel heads appear.
Doreen:
Squirrels.
Cue fun character-themed music.
INT. APARTMENT, EXT. ROOFTOP, WOODS, ETC…
Montage of Doreen doing some cool trick moves in her squirrel uniform. Sitting and eating a bagel with Monkey Joe, eating a nut. Speedball goes in for a post-battle kiss. Possibly throw in a couple of giant robots or evil Nazis and Squirrel Girl reacting with an ‘Are you serious?’ face.
EXT. ALLEY: NIGHT
Cut back to: Thug guy's face as he realizes he's facing an army of squirrels.
Thug:
Who are you?
Doreen:
…Squirrel Girl.
Cut to logo of Squirrel Girl.
Post-logo clip:
INT. APARTMENT: DAY
Friend (on the phone):
So is it, like, all rodents or just like this one breed of squirrel?
Doreen:
I think the fact that that's what you're choosing to focus on speaks volumes about your priorities.
Behind her, Monkey Joe is jumping on the on her bed.