Chapter Text
Everyday Spoole woke up and grabbed his bong. He would grind up a dub, shove it into the top of the stem and light it up. He would inhale the smoke, hold it, and breathe it back out. Spoole didn’t like dealing with life when he was sober. Sometimes his anxiety was so bad he’d cut some of the coke he saved. Spoole was a fucking drug addict and everyone in the crew knew. Nobody had really said anything about it because honestly, they couldn’t blame him. His life sucked. His life was practically the worst out of the crew. When he was sober he was riddled with near-crippling anxiety that kept him from doing any of his work or to even think straight. All having stemmed from childhood experiences nobody wanted to think about.No one who knew Spoole thought he deserved to suffer so much. He was the kindest soul you’d have ever met. He didn’t have a single mean bone in his body which is why no one suspected him as working for the most notorious crew in Los Santos. But everyday the young man took grabs before he even stood up so he could face the world.
He stumbled around his room looking for a sweatshirt before he went outside. The effects of the weed started to take hold of him. He slumped out of his room towards the kitchen to grab a granola bar before he went to the crews house. Spoole didn’t think he should live with them to keep them away from the fumes. Also because he could barely pay for the shitty little house he had already, he didn’t want to be a burden. He had a teeny tiny house (it looked more like a storage unit) in the ghetto in the city whereas the crew lived in the Vinewoods. He put his shoes on and went to his car, eating while he drove to work.
“Hey babe!” Adam embraced the tiny Spoole man.
“Hey Adam.” Spoole pushed his way out of the guys grip to find a trash can. When he threw out of the wrapper he went back to hug Adam.
“Is that all you ate for breakfast again?” Adam gave him a disapproving look that was common to Spoole.
“It’s all I could afford...” He looked down at his feet and turned around to walk into the living room. He was sick of the conversation, it took place every day and always ended with Spoole avoiding his boyfriend for the better part of the morning. In Adams defense Spoole used to be a little chubby sweetheart, but now his jeans couldn’t stay up without the help of a belt tightened as much as it could go. Nobody really mentioned it to him except Adam but they all knew something was up. They were too scared to say anything.
“Good Morning!” Bruce said to Spoole when he walked in.
“Yo,” He gave a small smile and sat on the couch next to Peake. He nodded his hello to the quiet one.
“You’re not wearing a hat.” Matt observed flatly. Spoole reached up and realized Matt was right.
“I was kind of out of it this morning, oops.” He shrugged. Peake thought it was because he wasn’t eating enough. He always forgot something when he got here sometimes its his hat, sometimes its socks, one time he forgot his jeans and came in wearing board shorts. Peake thought the lack of food was getting to his head. He was right of course, but he never told anyone because he didn’t think they would take him seriously. Even if they did they might wonder how he knew and that wasn’t a conversation he wanted to have.
“Yeah.” Peake stood up and went upstairs. Normally Spoole would follow Peake to make sure he was okay because he doesn’t leave like that but Spoole could barely concentrate on anything. He knew if he didn’t eat he would pass out or worse yet, end up in a hospital. He didn’t want that. He’d avoided it so far but he knew people were catching onto him. It was winter so he had every reason to wear formless clothing but the jeans he wore were obviously too big and his sweat shirts drooped off of him like a summer tank top. He felt like telling them about the cocaine he did so he could pass that off as an excuse but then he would get the same disapproving looks as Joel got the time they caught him doing it. Nobody had a thing against alcohol but certain drugs put themselves at risk and were frowned upon. Joel was quiet about his drug use, never really doing it at home and when he did he tried not to leave his room as not to disturb anyone. Joel was a rail, he was the skinniest member of the crew and Spoole admired it. Of course he would never admit it but if there was anyone who he wanted to look like it was Joel Rubin. Speaking of which, the man himself came slipping down the stairs.
“Holy shit!” Spoole ran towards the bottom of the stairs. “Dude are you okay?” Spoole pulled the man to his feet even though his own head was swimming from the sudden movement.
“Fuck. Yeah, my pajama pants were covering my feet. I’m fine.” He smiled at Spoole before leaving his arms to get to the kitchen where some scrambled eggs were calling his name.
“Hey babe, we don’t have anything to do today, wanna maybe go to lunch later?” Adam wrapped his arms around the tiny mans waist.
“I can’t afford to eat out.” He turned toward his boyfriend and frowned a little bit.
“I’ll pay for you Sean don’t worry.” He pouted hoping his boyfriend would give into the face.
“I don’t want you to waste your money on me.” Adam sighed.
“You’re my boyfriend I want to spoil you. I have more than enough money to spend on you,” He kissed Spooles forehead. “Please?”
Spoole giggled and nodded his head. “Fine,”
“Yay thank you!” He kissed Spoole again and hugged him tight. He let go and put his hand in his boyfriends and pulled him upstairs.
They went into Adams room to watch a movie and play some video games. Bruce had gotten a hold of a Battlefield 1 beta copy and gave it to Adam for his birthday. He had been dying to play it with someone. Adam took off his sweatshirt and put on a shirt Spoole had gotten him for Christmas last year. Christmas was coming up soon. The stream of jobs they had had slowed down because of the holiday season. Some drug lords had families too you know.
“If you keep that on you’re going to sweat.” Adam pointed to Spooles own sweatshirt.
“I’ll be fine. I’m cold right now.” Adam turned around so Spoole didn’t see the look he had on his face.
“Alright hon.” He turned on the tv and opened Netflix. “Anything you wanna watch?”
“That 70‘s show.”
“Of course,” He smiled at his tiny boyfriend. “Hey”
“Hey?”
“I love you” Spoole blushed as his boyfriend kissed him multiple times and hugged him tightly.
“I love you too you fucking loser.” He muttered. Adam smiled wide as he let go and put on Spooles favorite show.
They watched That 70‘s Show until Spoole fell asleep in Adams lap. It was only 12:30 but he was out like a baby. Adam spent a solid 5 minutes trying to coax him awake.
“Hey baby, we’re going to lunch remember?” Spoole made a noise indicating he was awake and turned over. “C’mon, up at at ‘em.” He pulled him up off the bed so he was forced onto his feet.
“Do we have to go?” Spoole wiped at his eyes.
“Sean you promised me.”
“I know I know, Im sorry. Lets go.” He unlocked the door and walked out. Adam grabbed his sweatshirt and followed.
They drove to Up N Atom in the late December snow and tried to seem as inconspicuous as possible. When they got inside they stared at the menu for awhile before ordering.
“Hi yeah I’d like 2 triple burgers and fries. What do you want Sean?”
“Just a chop salad.” Adam frowned as he pulled out his wallet.
“He’ll also have an extra creamy jumbo shake.” Spoole stared at his boyfriend and chewed the inside of his cheek.” Adam payed and they sat at a table waiting for their number to be called.
“I don’t think I can drink that Adam.” Spoole said behind his hands.
“I’m not expecting you to finish is Sean.”
“No I mean It’s too, you know, fattening.”
“I’ve never heard of you calling food too fattening” Adam laughed a little, trying to clear the growing tension.
“I’m not going to drink it.” He looked Adam in the eyes, silently pleading. He was dreading the date already.
“Alright. That’s fine.” He didn’t want to force Spoole to do anything. “I’ll drink it.” Spoole relaxed a little. But he still had to eat an entire salad. The servings at Up N Atom could only be described as the serving size for a small giant who is trying to bulk up. He didn’t know if he could finish even half of it. It’s not that he didn’t want to but his stomach couldn’t handle it.
When their number was called Adam went and picked up the food.
“Here.” Adam handed the salad to Spoole. “Are you sure you don’t want any of the shake?”
“Im sure.” He opened the lid to the salad and prodded it with his fork.
“Are you even going to eat that salad?”
“What? Of course I am!” Adam rolled his eyes as he bit into his burger. “Adam what the hell?”
“Sean your breakfast the for the past 2 months has been a granola bar, you refuse to eat lunch most days and you disappear before dinner so who knows if you’re even eating then.”
“I’m sorry Im poor.” He bit down on the leaves as angrily as you could when you bite on leaves.
“Stop using that as an excuse! I know you can afford more than a box of fucking granola bars. If money was that much of an issue for you I don’t understand why you don’t fucking move in with us! You always say no then turn around and say all your suffering is because you don’t have any money! We can make your life better, we have more than enough money to make sure you live in comfort. Why do you keep yourself in this position?” He whispered his words so the employees didn’t stare. He didn’t want to cause a scene.
“I don’t want to force my weed smoke down your throat..”
“Don’t start with the whole weed thing Sean! You know thats not an excuse Lawrence smokes too and he’s always lazing around the place!”
“I can’t afford to pay the bills.” He took another bite of saladabut his anxiety was pushing through the smokey haze, making him regret eating.
“You don’t have to pay for anything ever again if you live with us why don’t you understand that. Stop feeling responsible for stuff you literally don’t have a thing to worry about ever again if you would just move in. I’m going to keep confronting you about this if you don’t just agree you’ll never be hungry or homeless or or-”
“I don’t want to move in because I don’t deserve it.” Spoole whispered.
“What?” Adam looked at him like he’d been stabbed.
“I don’t deserve it.” Spoole put down his forkaand put his head in his hands.
“What do you mean you don’t deserve it?”
“I mean Im not worthy of living with you guys. I’m a piece of shit stoner who runs from his problems and avoids feeling anything by putting bullets in peoples heads because Im too scared to even get into the action. Im pathetic Adam okay. I don’t even know why you date me Im literally fucking pathetic okay. I dont deserve anything.” He stood up and pushed his chair in.
“Spoole, sit down come on lets ta-”
“Take me home.”
“What?”
“I want to go home, take me home.” Adam groaned and wrapped up the half eaten burger. He grabbed the rest of his crap and handed Spoole the keys. They got out of the cold air and into the equally as freezing car.
“We have to talk about this eventually.” He looked at Spoole while he turned on the car.
“No we don’t.” Spoole kept his arms crossed on his chest.
“The others, they’re going to want to talk about it.”
“You’re not telling them. I swear to god Kovic.” He glared at his boyfriend and huffed. They rode in tense silence all the way back to the mansion. Spoole got out and went inside the house to Adams shock.
Spoole stood at Peakes door pounding on it until it opened.
“What the fuck? What do you want man?” Peake had just gotten out of the shower as his hair was almost in front of his eyes and he was only wearing pajama pants. Spoole grabbed him and held him tight. Peake stood there confused until he could feel Spoole trying to hold back his tears. Then he slowly walked back and closed the door and hugged him back. He rubbed his back lightly.
“Dude what’s wrong?” He got Spoole to sit on the bed with him.
“Im sorry Peake. Im sorry. Im so sorry.”
“Why are you sorry? What happened?”
“I have to go. I’m so sorry Peake I love you.” He pulled away from Peake and ran out of his room to the hallway and downstairs. He ran passed James and Adam who already seemed worried, and Elyse who had just walked in the door. He pushed past her and got ind this car and sped off to his house.
He got out of the car without cutting the engine and ran inside. He went to his broken 360 and smashed it open. Out came a baggie of coke. He picked it up and sat on his couch and grabbed the razor taped under the table. He quickly cut it fine and pushed it into lines. He rolled up a bill from his wallet and snorted up the coke as quickly as he could. His nose started bleeding but he ignored it because his head was getting cloudy and his heart was pounding. He gripped the razor in his hand, it started cutting into his hand. He went back out to his car and got in. When he buckled up he rolled up his sleeves. He had recently picked a nifty little habit that so far had been undiscovered by the crew because of the December weather. His head felt like it was pounding, no that was his heart. Wasn’t it? He couldn’t tell the difference. He dragged the metal across his forearm a few times, each time bringing it closer and closer to his wrist. He knew he wouldn’t die, they could stitch him up if they found him in time. That didn’t stop him from doing it to his other wrist. The coke numbed the pain as he threw the razor into the backseat and pulled out and drove into the street. He was going way over the speed limit. That wasn’t enough for the cops to take notice of him. He stopped the car in the middle of the high way and watched as everyone behind him stopped. He walked next to the car behind his and forced the door open. He yanked the person out onto the pavement and stomped on them. He could hear the police now. He got into the vehicle. The second he closed the door he saw the simeon mark on the steering wheel. He knew he was fucked. He slammed on the gas pedal so hard the car jolted forward and almost hit his own. He sped past the cars on the highway and kept going. He wanted the police to stay on his tail. He wanted the excitement he wanted to escape death at the hands of the cop and for them to watch him kill himself. Spoole was many things and suicidal was one of them. He took a sharp right onto a dirt road in an attempt to go towards Vinewood. He loved the adrenaline pumping through him every time the car left the ground and landed with a hard push. Sean Poole had never felt more alive than in this moment. He smiled and laughed genuinely for the first time in weeks. He screamed out of excitement, he hooted and hollered as, in his last moments, he was being chased by the police in the cold winter snow as the sun set in the distance. He was so close the houses in Vinewood. So close. Just a little bit farther he thought. But before he could think anymore an unsuspecting 18 wheeler came into contact with the simeon vehicle.
“Im not sorry!” He laughed as he closed his eyes for the last time.