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When she was 4, her mother was her superhero. No one was more important to her than her mother, who would be so quietly confident and forgiving and loving. She shone. That was the only word Small Lady could use for her mother. Shone. Like the crystal. You looked at her and her brightness made her world safe. Her mother was everything good and perfect and safe in the world.
When she was 5, her world crumbled around her and she needed her mother.
Her mother wasn’t there.
She was lost and confused. Her friends were missing. She was sent away and nothing made sense. And the girl there with her mother’s name and hairstyle was just stupid! Stupid! (Her mother would have been disappointed in her using such a word like “stupid”, but it’s not like her mom was around to tell her why she shouldn’t use it, was she?) That girl – the one with her mother’s face – was scared and a crybaby. She didn’t like her. She didn’t like that they had the same hairstyle (it was a point of pride with her mother that they both wore their hair in buns and tails) and the same name (she insisted on calling her Chibi-Usa). She was stupid and didn’t care about Small Lady at all. All she cared about some boy. Small Lady liked the boy. He reminded her of her father. He didn’t scold her or tell her to go away.
And when the stupid girl turned out to be Sailor Moon, Chibi-Usa felt her heart sink and knew that the stories she’d always been told weren’t true and nothing would be bringing her back to her mother. That stupid girl had ruined the one thing she always counted on. Sailor Moon wasn’t the overpowering heroine of the stories. She didn’t defeat the enemies in a single twirl. This stupid girl couldn’t be the heroine of her dreams because that meant she was stuck in this nightmare world.
In the end, Sailor Moon came through. The past world and the present world were cleared of their threat. Her mother was back and gave Small Lady such hugs that said she’d never let go. Maybe it just took some time to make everything come out okay. Maybe that weird 14 year old girl with her mother’s eyes wasn’t so stupid after all.
When she was 14, her parents had moved away from being the focus of her world. She had friends and boys (and one special boy) that were much more interesting to talk to and about. And, honestly, her mother could be so stupid sometimes. I mean, she didn’t know anything about what was important today. She never used the word stupid out loud, of course, but really, her mother had told her last week that she shouldn’t procrastinate on her homework and really, Small Lady knew that as a 14 year old girl, her mother had done just that ALL THE TIME. It was really amazing how hypocritical her mother was being. She had more important things to do than a stupid assignment on the prevalence of AI in learning simulations.
When she was 18, she was living on her own for the first time. She couldn’t believe it!
Well, not on her own own. She shared a suite with Hotaru, both as best friend and bodyguard. She still saw Ami-oba-chan most days, as her current line of research took her onto the campus more often than not.
But, still! She had her own room, decorated how she liked it. She had her own schedule, not one tied to her parents’ needs. She could eat lunch at two o’clock. She could leave her bed unmade. She could stay up all night if she wanted.
Well, except she did love to sleep. So she probably wouldn’t do that…too often.
And she’d had a great first day. It had been an orientation thing and she and Hotaru had been sent all over on a scavenger hunt and got to meet so many new people without her parents’ eyes on her. She’d played the silly icebreakers and fell into giggling fits over Hotaru’s version of “Two Truths and a Lie”.
She was settling in for her first night in the new bed with the new sounds. She was thinking over some of the stranger things she’d seen and it occurred to her that her mom would find it hilarious. She jumped out of bed to head to her mother’s study to tell her…
Oh.
Wait.
Her mother wasn’t down the hall from her any longer.
Huh. Stupid of her to have forgotten that.
When she was 25, she was sparkling and happy. She had her dream prince (literally!) and couldn’t believe how lucky she was. Her best friends surrounded her, the world was safe from threats, and she had a brilliant chance to make things better for people in the kingdom. She’d begun diplomatic missions on her own and everyone was so pleased with how well she’d dealt with the delegation from Barrayar.
But, now, it was time to party. She and Helios had done their vows in the traditional Shinto style Rei-oba-chan still practiced as well as an older ceremony dating back to the Silver MIllenium. She and Helios had welcomed guests from all corners of the galaxy and friends from down the hall. They had danced together to open the reception and she loved the way her skirts had fluttered as she twirled.
She danced with her father and she joined her friends in sillier pop songs. She saw Haruka and Michiru enjoying a waltz, looking far more glamorous than any of the other couples out there. She was just about to find Helios for another dance, when she saw her mother, standing off to the side with a sad smile on her face.
“Mom?” Usa asked, gently. “Is everything all right?”
“Oh, honey,” Serenity answered. “I’m okay. I’m just so happy right now. I can’t believe you’ve gotten to be so tall and lady-like. You’re everything I wanted to be when I was your age.”
Usa laughed. “Mother! When you were my age, you and dad had saved the world multiple times, had each other, had a great group of friends…knew I was coming soon, “ she winked down at her mother at that. Her mother laughed, and Usa was pleased to see her countenance lighten.
“To be sure, your arrival was utmost on my mind. And your father and I worked assiduously to ensure your arrival.” Serenity waggled her eyebrows suggestively.
Usa groaned. “Okay, I officially regret bringing up this line of questioning.” Usa shook her head…weddings, romance, general happiness… giving Serenity the chance to tease her…oh, it had been stupid to have brought up her birth in any fashion.
“Hey! How’d you learn the word ‘assiduously’ anyways?”
When she was 35, Usa impatiently tapped her fingers as she waited for her mother’s face to appear in the console.
“Usa!” her mother’s face lit up with delight. “How are you?”
Usa groaned. “Mother, this is me officially apologizing for whatever I put you through that meant I got a child like Little Lady.”
Serenity struggled to hold a giggle back. “Oh, dear, is everything okay?” Her tone of voice indicated compassion, but one look at her laughing eyes showed no sympathy there.
“No, seriously, mother. Little Lady doesn’t stay still. Why walk when she can skip? Why sit on the couch? Wait, no, it’s not a couch; it’s a mountain for climbing! Why not dance her way through dinner? Do you know I caught her on top of the kitchen cabinets last night? I have no idea how she got up that high. I only had my back turned for a second!” Usa rested her head on the desk in front of the console. “I don’t know how we’ll survive until she gets to school.” Usa thought she heard muffled laughter from the communicator, but when she lifted her head up and peered suspiciously at the screen, all she saw was the serene patience her mother was famous for.
“It sounds like it’s been a rough day, honey,” was all her mother said.
Usa sighed. “Yes, it’s been a rough day. It’s been a rough month. Why do we have kids again?”
Serenity perked up at that. “Why to give grandchildren to the world!”
That didn’t make Usa feel better. She was starting to feel like it had been stupid to have asked for sympathy anyways.
“Usa, raising a child is hard. They’re little monsters, most of the time. They try your patience and try your creativity.
“But they’re also a light of hope. Each child is one more chance for the next generation to be better than the generation before. Each child is one more chance for dreams to be made.” Serenity paused. “I know that this is a difficult time. I know it seems like there’s no way you’ll survive to next week. Usa, you will. You love Little Lady and that’s the first requirement. Everything else falls from that.”
Usa smiled. “Thanks, mom. I needed the vote of confidence.”
“Anytime, honey. I’m always here to be your cheerleader.” She looked off to the side, flipping through a schedule book. “I can have Luna move some things around; I hate economic meetings anyways. Want me to come over for few hours?”
Usa smiled more broadly. “Mom, you can be my rescuer anytime!”
When she was 47, she wanted to give her mother one more hug.
She wanted to lie down on the cold ground, burrow herself into it, and just cling to the remnants of her mother that hadn’t left her. She wanted to hear her voice giving her advice, telling her to always be kind and people would respond to that kindness. She wanted to have one more minute to tell her she loved her and she was the best mother ever and she really just needed one more chance to talk to her. Just one more day, one more hour. One more chance.
There was no going to the past while her mother silently waited this time.
No coming back to an armful of hugs.
Stupid to hope for that anyways.
When had her mother gotten so smart? When had she become the center of her universe, the one person whose support she most needed?
When she left this room today, she would graduate from Usa to Serenity. She took a minute and saw her daughter, sitting nearby, watching her with worried eyes.
Usa opened her arms. She held her (not-so-)Little Lady tightly. It was time to go on. But for one more moment, she would be a little girl waiting for her mom.
Then, she would go out into the world to continue her mother’s legacy.