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Severus woke slowly as he moved his arm closer to his chest, realizing that the warmth it was wrapped around was gone. Lifting his head, he glanced down at the former position of his bed partner. Finding it empty, he looked around and caught her at the side of the bed, hunting down her strewn clothing. Severus gazed at the lovely backside and smiled, savoring the view.
“Hermione, you can stay. I may be grumpy in the morning, but I promise not to take it out on you,” he chuckled slightly. Waiting for the witch to stop dressing and return to his side.
She seemed to take no notice of his words and slipped her clothes on quickly. Severus sat up, confusion clouding his sleepy mind. He wasn’t sure if it was normal for people who had shared such intimacy to just leave the other. As he thought, his eyes widened as the witch, who had been the only one he had shared himself with, walked to the door.
“Hermione, wait, please,” Severus called out. She didn’t turn or stop. No words came from the woman as she opened the door and walked out. The sound of the door closing felt so final. Gathering his wits, Severus leaped from the bed chasing after her. He made it to his sitting room, finding it empty. Not caring about his nudity, he raced to the door of his quarters and opened it quickly. There was no one in the hallway.
Slumping against the door, his confusion reigned. Turning back to his rooms, he went into his bedroom, staring at the bed. Where not an hour before, the witch of his dreams had been in his arms. It had taken Severus months to get the courage to ask Hermione to dinner. Her radiant smile when she said yes was one of his most treasured memories. He had been nervous, but they had been on a few dates before he invited her to his rooms. Severus admitted to his inexperience at the beginning, and Hermione had been patient, teaching him as they went. Shaking his head, he wondered if he hadn’t pleased her. Although he doubted it, he knew she was very vocal and would have told him if he did something wrong.
Going to his bed, he ran his hand over the cooling sheets. His mind ran through the possibilities of what could have driven the witch away without a word. Nothing came to mind until, pausing his hand as his breathing started to labor, this was not real. The flirting over the months until their first date, the time they had spent together after, and the subsequent dates. All culminating in tonight, where he had finally felt passion and love in the arms of another. Was it all a lie? Why would she do something like that?
Horror at the prospect gathered in his thoughts. He had been used for something, but he couldn’t tell. Was it revenge? The way he had treated her abominably in the past. To get back at someone? The youngest Weasley boy came to mind, but unless she was telling them, it didn’t make sense. His eyes widened as the worst thought came. She did this to make fun of him. Hermione never came across as cruel, but his inexperience with people and relationships could have clouded his ability to see it. All of their time together and his soul laid bare for her was nothing more than ammunition.
Panic set in as Severus thought over everything he had told her. It was enough to fill a book, worse than the one Skeeter wrote after the war. Everyone would know about how pathetic he was. The abuse he suffered at the hands of his father, his years of being bullied and despised at Hogwarts, and the darkness he dwelt in as a Death Eater. His heart raced as he recalled telling her about Lily. It was his fault that the Potters died. About how Albus used him over the years as a spy. The year of loneliness and self-loathing he went through as Headmaster.
Tears slipped down his pale cheeks, and unknowingly, he started breaking. His mind filled with the knowledge that everything he had believed for months was a cruel plot. That the woman he loved was the one to destroy him. He fell to the floor and curled in on himself. His sobs came unbidden.
Unwanted, Unloved, Unworthy. Unwanted, Unloved, Unworthy.
The words played on a loop as he cried. He just wanted someone to love and who loved him. Was he really so reprehensible that no one could love him? That anyone could love him as much as he has hated himself. Self-loathing overtook him. Life had proven time and time again that he was unwanted. His parents had made him feel unlovable. The world knew he was unworthy.
Severus didn’t know how long he lay on the cold floor as his misery overwhelmed him. He tried to dredge up any other emotion, but nothing could smother the agony of his heart and soul shredding. He thought being forced to kill Albus would be the worst thing to happen to him. Severus had welcomed death, but when he discovered he was alive, he decided to find peace and maybe some form of happiness. Giving everything to Hermione was something he was happy to do until now. His mind was so fractured that he couldn’t call upon his magic to help him.
Shifting up from the cold floor, Severus’s gaze fell on his left arm. Hatred tore through him at the sight of the Mark. Hermione had kissed it and told him that it was not what made him a good man. The pain flared before he even realized he had done something. The slash against his mark was flowing freely. Severus felt something other than agony as he looked at the cut he made. Wandlessly, wordlessly, he did it again. Over and over until the mark on his arm was covered in cuts and blood. The pain in his arm throbbed as he pulled his knees in and wrapped his arms around them. Fresh tears fell as he found that the brief pain he felt from cutting up his mark was gone. The fractures in his mind, heart, and soul broke irrevocably.
Severus had no sense of time or feeling as he sat upon the cold dungeon floor. There was no warmth or light in this room. He knew no one would look for him. He knew no one would care that he was missing from meals. There was no hope left in his mind.
His mind was roused at a singular thought. Why put himself through more torture? There was no reason to keep going. Severus knew he couldn’t live in a world where the woman he loved had destroyed him. Hermione had taken him to the brink. There was no reason not to go over the edge.
Forcing his body up from the position he had been in for an indeterminate amount of time, he winced as his blood flowed into his legs. Waiting for his body to be capable of movement, he looked down at the dried blood on his arm and ignored it. No reason to clean or heal it. Moving to his wardrobe, he pulled out trousers and a shirt. Dressing, he thought about putting on his robes, but decided there was no point. Severus knew that he could move silently through the castle without the need for his usual armor.
Turning to the door, he stared at it. His body felt hollow, and his mind was blank. Slowly, he walked to the door and went through. Casting about his sitting room, he looked over his books sadly. They could bring no solace to the broken man now. He didn’t have to dwell on the small comfort they used to bring him. Leaving his quarters, he padded down the hallways and up staircases.
His feet carried him confidently to the base of the Astronomy Tower. He stopped, his mind filled with sorrow. This tower will endure the worst night he has experienced, just as it weathered the last one. Going up the stairs, Severus felt nothing other than a sense of calm. He wasn’t sure why it was happening, but he let it fill him.
Coming to the top, he looked around the balustrade before picking the east side of the tower. Looking out, he noticed the sun rising. A sad smile covered his lips as he thought it fitting that the last thing he would see was the dawn of a new day. His last day. Stepping up the side, he pulled himself to the ledge. Staring out, Severus enjoyed the first rays of warmth. Tears streamed over his face as he thought about Hermione. He loved her despite everything. Taking his love with him, he took a deep breath.
He stepped forward.