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Dee decides Janine is a bitch that pisses her off when she hears she went to UPenn. Not just went. Graduated. Not top of the class, but well-liked. There’d been much expected of her.
”It’s just elementary education,” She scowls after they’re finally out of their first day of volunteering. It’s taking Mac, that bumbling fool, far too long to get Ava to sign their slip. “Teaching kids can’t possibly that hard of a major, big fucking deal.”
Dennis gives her a look, a kind of resigned look because she’s been over this a million damn times. Every single time she hears someone graduated in anything other than psychology. If it’s psychology, she just scoffs. “We make more money than her, and what use is a psychology degree for you, anyway? It’s not something we’d need for the bar.” He sighs and shoos them all into the car. “We gotta go back there tomorrow, keep being on your best behaviors.”
”Actually, I agree with Dee on this one.” Mac leans his head against the window. “All of them are manipulative dicks. The principal? Yeah, she’s totally trying to sleep with me.”
”Nah, not possible.” Charlie makes a face. “I mean, you’re like really gay, man. This one gay teacher thinks you’re gay, too. I wonder if he’s the one trying to get with you, and the principal is just helping out, though.”
”Stupid theories!” Dennis bangs on his wheel, both from rage at the car in front of him and the stupidity of The Gang. “You guys aren’t even goddamn trying to be normal! Just ignore everything and do your jobs so we can go back to not having to care about ungrateful children who eat up all of our tax money. Dee, stop comparing yourself to a three foot tall twenty-something. Mac, stop banging other dudes.”
Mac makes sad eyes at Dennis. ”But—“
”No buts.” Dennis shakes his head. “We are going back to the bar to discuss other things. Shut up, now.”
Dee is tired.
Tired of what? The constant ringing of anger in her ears that she’s basically working for some overly excitable, hopeful young adult that actually got everything she wanted? The endless reminder that she’s almost fifty and making eyes at said young adult’s boyfriend because she’s jealous? Well, sure, but it’s actually from waking up so early to get to Abbott Elementary. They start far too early for her liking, and she feels her tiredness might already be starting to show.
”Good morning!” Janine chirps happily at The Gang when they enter for the second time. “Welcome back, everyone, it’s really nice to see you guys again.” She smiles at Dee in particular.
”What’s the agenda?” Mac sighs.
”Just regular things.” She furrows her eyebrows, confused as to why they seem so dejected so early in the day. “It would be great if all of you could kind of keep doing what you did yesterday, helped a lot.”
Dee swallows a lump in her throat and grabs her volunteer badge before following Janine to her classroom. She seems less fond of her than before. She gets why. It’s not easy to like a volunteer that smells of alcohol constantly and has this sour expression that’s etched into her face and skin.
”You can just start with stapling those packets together.” Janine says mildly, sharpening some pencils in a dirty plastic bin near a trash can. “Gotta get some spelling out of the way as soon as the kids come through the door. Don’t want them getting behind.” She starts murmuring, enough so Dee can pretend she just can’t hear her. It’s rude, she knows well.
”So what’s your deal?” Dee asks loudly while starting to staple the papers, each staple clicking satisfyingly into the surprisingly thick stacks of paper. What could these kids possibly be spelling? And again, she knows it’s rude, especially after what she put that poor girl through the day before, with her little boyfriend. “Why do you do this to yourself?”
Janine stops what she’s doing, fills the room with silence the way the pencil sharpener rumbles when it works. ”Do what, wake up early in the mornings to do my job?”
Whoops, seems like she took it as provocation. ”Yeah.” She says shamelessly. “You’re a UPenn graduate, surely there’s some millionaire job you could be pursuing.”
”I think you’re way overestimating the power of a degree.” She huffs, voice turning into some angered drawl Dee never thought she’d hear. Why wouldn’t she? Even teachers that are better paid than her in the public school system aren’t actually vastly better off. And what’s she going to do at this point in her life, become a CEO for a Fortune 500? “And I wanted to work here. Money’s tight sometimes, but I’m helping my kids. What more could I possibly ask for?”
”Money.” Dee snorts. She’s definitely going to talk about that later, that was a good one. Janine doesn’t laugh, though. So much for being the cheerful one.
”What about you?” She changes the subject, eyes glancing over at her. “Not sure what you and your friends do, but I gotta admit I’m curious.”
There’s the zinger, one of the thousands of questions Dennis told everyone to avoid. He told them what to answer with, if anything comes up. Mac’s a security guard, Charlie’s a janitor, Frank’s a businessman, he himself is a small business owner. No other specifications. He sighed deep and heavy when he told Dee to just say she’s an actress or a comedian or something, knowing her heart would pound out of her chest. He’d told her to stop acting like a whiny little child, the dream’s long gone. No reason to ever have it brought up in daily conversation anymore.
“I’m an actress.” She says quietly. “Comedian. Either one.”
”Are you any good?”
How is she supposed to answer that honestly? Is she supposed to say that she’s not, the dream is dead, that she’s got horrible stage fright and talent whatsoever? “Yes, I’m very good.”
Janine’s expression finally goes back to the regular smile she carries. “I’d love to see you doing your thing sometime.”
”Oh, yeah…” She says awkwardly. “Maybe someday.”
She avoids conversation for a while, keeping her head down. Still not hard to see Janine, though. She’s very short. She chuckles to herself, slightly jealous.
”Hey, Janine.” Gregory knocks on the open door. He seems to do that a lot, just as a courtesy. “Do you know what’s going on with the bathrooms? I know Mr. Johnson is closing a few, but I’m not sure which ones and I would enjoy knowing.”
”It’s the ones on the third floor, we don’t need to worry about it.” She says, giddy. She gets like that every time she talks to him.
Dee’s jealous, yeah. It’s not common for her to actually have a boyfriend. A relationship. And when she did, it was never actually that good, transactional at best. She steps in between them, facing Gregory. “Hello again, you.” She bites her lip, feeling a bit ridiculous. It’s pretty clear this guy means business and not going for her. Weird. But he seems like a good guy, so it wouldn’t hurt to try.
”Hi.” He glances off to the side awkwardly. “Just here for Janine. You know, my girlfriend.”
Oh, shit. Of course he pulls that card.
”Right.” She purses her lips tightly. “Well, I wasn’t talking to you. I’m going to grab myself some coffee from your archaic coffee machine.” It’s just a simple rejection for what’s a pretty valid reason, she doesn’t know why she’s so embarrassed. And coffee from an antiquated coffee pot will certainly not help.
”Dee! Want coffee?” Dennis smiles when she walks into the teachers’ lounge. From the setup, she can’t tell if he’s making drugs or conducting an elementary science experiment. “I can make this shit better than any fancy expensive place.”
She does have to admit it smells really good. “Vanilla latte?” She sighs, resting her head on her hands.
”You look pissed.” He says, not taking his eyes off of the pot. “Has someone rightfully pissed you off, or is this some self-inflicted bullshit again?”
”It’s Janine. And I am rightfully pissed off.” She frowns, thinking of how Gregory is truly such a nice guy. Not quite as tall as she would like, she’s taller than him in heels, but that just tends to be how it goes. “You know she’s got this crazy hunk of a boyfriend, right? He knocks on her door even when it’s opened.” She wrinkles her nose. “It’s cheesy. I should file a police report.”
Dennis sees right through her, her jealousy. Not that it’s hard. “Well, Dee, she has a boyfriend because she is a cheerful, cute girl. You could do that too if you weren’t such a gangly, whoreish mess.” He talks with no remorse and all of the seriousness in the world. “Just don’t make a mess, damn it. A story where you steal some poor girl’s loving boyfriend would not be good for our reputations.”
She rolls her eyes. What reputations? Their reputations as drunk criminals? “I’m not going to steal him. I’m just making some observations, dumb shit.” She swipes her coffee that’s placed delicately on the counter, artfully, like Dennis is a barista. “How’s it going on your end? Still not being given anything to do?”
”Hey, I’m not complaining.” He gestures his hands widely around his coffee station. “This is like headquarters, it’s cool. If I could get me a whiteboard or something it’d be extra cool.”
”It’s a school, I’m sure finding a whiteboard somewhere isn’t impossible.”
”Well, this place is broke. I doubt they could afford a whiteboard. Have you seen they still use blackboards?” He scoffs. “Saint Joseph’s could never.”
”Yeah, poor them.” She says blankly, taking a sip of the coffee without registering the flavor, the sweetness. She’s going to have to go back to Janine’s class soon. Would committing to wooing Gregory look a bit better? It’s just embarrassing that she fell flat on her face the moment she saw him. She could do it, she thinks. If she just prettied herself up a bit, no high heels.
”Are you even listening to me?” Dennis frowns, starting on another cup of coffee once he sees another teacher walk in. The redhead one. The Gang finds the redhead one particularly mean. “I mean, I have an important point I’m making. We might know more than these people. Teachers, Dee, teachers! See how useless degrees are? You never needed one, you’re good enough on your own.” The redhead teacher looks at him kind of weird, but he takes no mind. Why would he, when there is hardly any consequence to his words? When his luck drags out so far the only people that end up hurt are bystanders?
”I’d still like one.” Dee politely hands a cup to the teacher.
”Sorry to interrupt, but,” the teacher clears her throat. “Who the hell are you guys again? I mean, good coffee, but I literally don’t get your deals.”
She glances over at Dennis, thinking of what her name is. It’s on the tip of her tongue, she swears. Ah, fuck it. She’s never going to get it, anyway. “And you are…?”
”Jesus Christ.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s Melissa, we’ve already met before.”
Charlie is confused.
Not because he’s in a school full of people that Dennis assured him with every bone in his body wasn’t smarter than him, no. But people are actually trying to help him. That’s the part that confuses him. They don’t seem angry that he misunderstands their words and just tries to sound like he knows what he’s doing.
”Help the kids with spelling.” Melissa tries what she already tried the day before.
”Oh, yeah. I got this.” He says anxiously, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his green army coat. “You don’t need to worry.”
She makes a face, but he can’t register what it might mean as he marches over to the first kid that asks for his help. She’s wary that he’s not the best at it. She asks how to spell miracle, and he freezes. Miracle?
”Uh, hey,” he drags his feet back to Melissa’s desk. “I need some help over there, kid’s asking me some genius words. Really hard stuff, I don’t even know if you could spell it.”
Melissa has to admit she’s kind of insulted. Never in her life did she expect a man with less literacy than perhaps a stray cat would imply that she was the same. “What’s the word, hon?” She raises her eyebrows at the kid.
”Miracle.”
She spells it out, quickly, flawlessly. Maybe flawlessly. Charlie doesn’t know, so his standards aren’t necessarily the pinnacle of humanity. He trusts her, though. “Woah, that was cool. I mean, hard word. Lot of letters, right?” He grins nervously.
Melissa sighs, massages her temples. “Look, man, I don’t mean to insult you or anything, but are you dyslexic or something? Or educated? Not that I’m trying to insult you, I’m dyslexic.” It’s ridiculous, she thinks. What kind of man that can’t spell any word and maybe doesn’t even know the alphabet comes to volunteer at an educational institution? There’s gotta be better things for him to do, like attending one.
”Dys…what?” He cocks his head to the side with the innocence of a lost puppy.
”Dyslexia, dude.” Her expression morphs from being tired to flabbergasted. “Like the learning disability.”
”Woah!” He jumps back. “I’m not disabled, man!” He’d been through this countless times before. It’s like anytime he has a limo everyone just immediately jumps to that, or something. “I can do crazy stuff, man. Like, parkour, dude. If you think—“
”Charlie!” She whispers loudly, a hiss through her teeth. “Quiet down.” She huffs, typing something into her phone. “Just forget I asked, it was a simple question.” But she takes a mental note that she should definitely talk to Barbara about this guy. She thought Jacob had been joking when he said Charlie couldn’t really read. “How about we go to the library for a little? My kids are all about to go into silent reading, maybe we go and just check out the library.”
Yeah, sure. He’ll do what she says, he kind of has to. “What for?”
She doesn’t answer him, simply opening the door to the library and letting him in.
”Oh, man. This again?” He rubs his hands on his jeans. “Melissa, I already told you I can read, I’m great at it.”
“I was bullied for reading so slowly when I was a kid.” She says without a drop of hatred in her voice. “It just never made sense to me, and it took me the longest fucking time to get around it. But when I got it, it just made my life so much better.” She picks up a book, a picture book. “I know it’s really tough, but if you want to I could help you out after school.”
”What’s the catch?” He cuts her off. “You want something from me?” Reading would be nice, though. People always make fun of him for not being able to read well, and sometimes he’ll see something that looks interesting with no way to find out more. He’d pretend he wasn’t interested but he would be.
”No catch.”
He takes a cautious step back. “That can’t be right. You’re telling me you’re going to teach me how to read and that’s it? Why?” His stance suggests he might try and fight if she comes closer, but they both know he’d probably lose. He’s scrappy, but Melissa isn’t empty-handed.
”I’m a teacher, I enjoy doing it.” She grabs a picture book from her side. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Not many words. “I’ll give you a start today, Barbara’ll be here with me tomorrow.”
He’s still hesitant. “Are you trying to kill me?”
”Reading won’t kill you.”
”No—“ he exhales sharply. “It’s just that if it were me, this would be a scheme with my buddies where we’d probably trap someone. And…I’m sure you’re a nice lady, but you gave me the vibes of some mobster shit, like whacking people. And I’m not even too bad at reading, but huffing glue just messes with my brain sometimes—”
Melissa raises an eyebrow. Not a good look, she dislikes when people make such assumptions about her. She’ll try not to assume anything about him, though, as much as it seems like the logical thing to do. Seems a lot like he could use it. “I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”
Mac is humiliated.
He’s been doing odd jobs for the principal for the last several days before having to go back to the bar and do Dennis’ bidding there. It’s a very tiring schedule, and he just wants to kick back for a little while with The Gang. It’s no fun, pretending to be normal. It’s not even a nice Catholic school where he can talk about prayer and God. He already got in trouble for doing that from the principal. After everything he did for her, too. They might never be able to leave at this rate.
”Aren’t you supposed to be working with Ava?” Barbara doesn’t look up from her papers. What could she possibly be doing with such a degree of focus? He didn’t remember doing anything that important in kindergarten.
”Yeah, well she’s out, and it gets really boring in there after a while, so…I’m here now!”
”Why me?” She says, trying with every bone in her body to not sound annoyed.
”Well, this place is a piece of work. Clearly you could use some help.” He laughs. “So whaddya need? I can lift heavy stuff really well, in case you couldn’t figure it out from my physique.”
“Jesus Christ.” She doesn’t use the lord’s name in vain, but this might be the one time it’s excusable. “Look, Mac, I appreciate—“
”Oh, Jesus?” He grins. Something in common with her, that should help them get out of there faster. “I love that guy. Totally a badass, you like him too?” He points at her, eyebrows raised comically high.
She sighs, feeling a little trapped. “Yes, I am a woman of God.”
”Nice, nice. Got some good camaraderie here…so you’d be fine with me helping out the rest of the day, I hear?” His voice oozes with hope. “Maybe even church on Sunday, my last one kicked me out because I got too drunk off of the communion wine.” He notices her expression falling into horror as he speaks. Maybe he should stop speaking. “Hey, if you’re religious, are you also gay—?”
”I’m going to stop you right there.” She swallows a lump in her throat. “There is absolutely no correlation between being gay and religious, that’s not a good or appropriate question.”
“Hey, Barb.” Melissa knocks on her door, making her head instinctively whip around. “Are you not getting my text messages? C’mon, I need you.”
”Oh, you. Mean lady.” He says, having forgotten Melissa’s name. “Do you need help with anything? Please?” He clasps his hands together. He’ll lose his mind if he has to spend another week in this place, and he’ll do anything, even if it means showing his already bad hand. “I really wanna get this signed, I’m getting desperate.” He holds up the slip, crumpled and stained.
”Do you have a degree in education? English? Psychology?” Melissa crosses her arms, Barbara stepping behind her ever so slightly.
”No…but I did finish high school, so write that down.”
”We will.” Barbara chatters anxiously. “Although we don’t need your help right now, so we’ll put a pin in that. Nice meeting you, Mac!” They shut the door quickly. Do they realize he needs to leave, too? Oh well, he doesn’t give a crap anymore.
He jogs over to the teachers’ lounge to talk to Dennis, considering he doesn’t have much to do. He’s probably still making that really good coffee. “Dennis!” He bursts through. Yup, he’s still there. “I have news.”
”News?” He makes a face, distorted through the glass of the chemistry set. “Unless the news is that you got the slip signed, I don’t want to hear news—“
”I think two of the teachers are banging.” Mac nods. “I mean, this is some crazy shit, Dennis. This could be blackmail that gets us out of volunteering here any more than we should.”
Dennis’ head perks up. “Okay, well, I do like the sound of that. Maybe we don’t need to abstain from schemes…if we play our cards right, we could even erase all evidence of a scheme. So tell me who these two teachers are, Mac. Let’s get out of here.”
”It’s Melissa and Barbara. But you know, it’s a real shame. Barbara’s actually religious and one of the few people that won’t burn in hell, so having to blackmail her does suck a little. Melissa seems fine to blackmail, though.”
”Actually, I disagree with you.” Dennis says. “I think Barbara would burn in hell, because from my recollection of the Bible infidelity is a sin—“
”You did not read the Bible, dude.”
”Let me finish!” He barks, and Mac listens. Of course he does. “She’s got nothing to lose! Melissa, meanwhile? She seems a little sketchy. She doesn’t like Billy Joel. She has a baseball bat taped under her desk and walks in a way that seems to me she carries some form of weaponry on one of her legs. But they’re both old and vulnerable, so I’m sure we’ll be fine.” His face contorts into a smirk. All of their hard work will finally pay off.
”I hate to break it to you, but we’re like the same age as Melissa. Maybe a little older.”
A rain cloud might as well form over Dennis’ head. Maybe some steam from his ears. “That can’t be right. We aren’t old!”
”Well, neither are they, by your logic.”
Dennis wants to kill Mac. Only problem is they’d be caught incredibly quickly from the amount of children and teachers that wander the halls at any given time. It’s like they just have hours of free time a day. He doesn’t mean to be hypocritical, but there’s a large difference between him and them. But he’s been incredibly calm throughout his stay at Abbott, so he thinks it would be a shame to blow up all over Mac so soon. “I will talk to them so they’ll sway Ava into signing that goddamn slip.”
”But if you think like Frank, it would be better to go to the boss. They’ll do anything to sweep stuff under the rug, right?”
”That’s…” He thinks. “An incredible idea, Mac. Why don’t I just take this up with Ava directly? And if it’s by Frank’s logic, it’ll work out. He’s a little rusty nowadays, but in his prime? Infallible. We should strive to be him.” He pats Mac’s shoulder. “Do you know when Ava gets back?”
”How should I know?”
”You’ve been here lackey here, I was sure you’d know. And we need to enact this blackmail as soon as possible or it’ll be pointless.” But he’s only given a blank stare from Mac, his eyes round and rather watery. “Fine, I’ll just check tomorrow.”
Frank is jealous.
And also, drunk. Very drunk. He must’ve had a gallon of hard liquor before getting to the school. He can’t bear to go without it here, seeing all of these kids running around so joyously. That should’ve been him, he thinks. He should’ve been the one running around in elementary school without a care in the world. It makes his blood boil that somehow an underfunded, inner city school has its’ kids doing better than him.
”If you use rat poison on these plants, I’ll kill you before you can even blink.” Mr. Johnson scowls at him. Frank still hasn’t figured out his first name. Maybe he doesn’t even have one. “They eat these once they’re all grown, you know.”
”It’s the best thing you can do for the dirt and your kids! Them building up an immunity now is the best thing you can do for them.”
”I’m not poisoning my kids.”
Frank freezes. Oh. He actually cares about these kids. Enough to stop him from giving the plants rat poison, which is definitely beneficial. “Your loss.” He pouts and stuffs his vial of rat poison back into his pocket.
”That’s what I thought.” Mr. Johnson sticks his nose up and grabs his mop to go inside. He appears to carry the mop virtually everywhere. Even Charlie doesn’t have that kind of commitment. But Frank follows him inside like a lost puppy. “Now why are you following me?”
”Not much to do outside unless Gregory said something, so I’ll just see what you’re up to!”
”What I’m up to is none of your business!” He opens a supply closet. “Frank Reynolds, you better get your shit together, I do not mess around about this school.”
”And I don’t mess around with my dignity.” Frank snaps. But what dignity? He doesn’t have any dignity here, he’s been eating compost and stealing batteries from cars to compost. He would inform The Gang if they wouldn’t absolutely berate the shit out of him for failing so miserably at being inconspicuous.
Mr. Johnson grabs a broom and a large trash can he’ll put the contents of smaller trash cans in. “Now get out of my way. This school doesn’t clean itself.” He pushes Frank out of the way. A surprisingly hard thing to do to a four foot eleven man that might be older than Mr. Johnson.
Frank scowls and marches to the teachers’ lounge. “They’re all assholes! Assholes, I tell you! It’s like they think cleaning up some trash just suddenly makes you some guardian angel.” He scoffs and snatches a cup of coffee from Dennis’ setup that was clearly for someone else. “Charlie could do all that and more.”
”Frank, we’re in the middle of something.” Dennis rubs his forehead tensely. He’s comforting Dee, who’s cried so much she quite literally ran out of tears. “And it’s important, so I simply can’t deal with anymore imaginary issues.”
”It’s not an imaginary issue!” Dee wipes her nose.
”Yes, crying over not being able to get with a man who has very firmly established that he loves his girlfriend is an imaginary issue.” Although he does pity her. She’s too good for him and she’s still crying. “Also, he’s really short. Have you forgotten the golden rule of only dating men that are six feet and up?” He pats her shoulder. There shouldn’t be anything for her to whine about anymore. “Alright, Frank. You can speak now.”
”That goddamn Mr. Johnson! He thinks just cause he works with trash that he’s better than me.”
”Hey—“ Dennis stops him instantly. “Hey, whoa. You’re losing the plot, man. He’s a janitor, Charlie is also a janitor, albeit better, and you’re…well, out of both of their leagues, in terms of how good you are because you’re rich, which in contemporary American society automatically makes you better.”
”Do you think that’s my only issue?” Frank grabs something out of his pocket and pops it in his mouth. “I have many other issues, don’t you get me started.”
”Is one of involving the amount of compost you’ve eaten in a concerningly short span of time?” He rolls his eyes, sick of it. He’s got Dee complaining in his ear, Charlie trying to read everything out loud in front of him, Mac crawling back to him every day, and now Frank trudging around because of a janitor he’s seen maybe twice.
”The compost?” Frank takes a small pile out of his pocket, balled into his post. “You can hardly notice.”
”No, you definitely can, your breath is absolutely rancid.” Dee’s voice instantly morphs into one that sounds like she’s never once cried in her life.
”See?” Dennis makes some kind of face that’s mixed with disgust and relief that someone else smells it. “We can’t get out of here if you keep eating compost. This shouldn’t even be something I need to explain! Frank, act normal for just a couple of days, I have dirt that’ll definitely get us out of here.” He repeats it to himself in his brain, where none of these idiots can touch him.
“Damn it, is that what you two were talking about? I want in.” Frank leans in. He doesn’t want to be excluded here, that would be too much like what school was for him, and Frank Reynolds swore to himself that that would never happen.
Dennis and Dee glance at each other. They can almost read each other’s minds. ”I’ll go.” Dee puts a hand in Dennis’ face after a moment of consideration. “We think there’s some affair type of shit going on between two of the teachers. This could bail us out big time.”
He gasps, this is exciting. “Which two teachers?” He’d be willing to put his fortune on the short one cheating on her boyfriend. She seems too kind for him. Like the kind of girl that he should be laughing uproariously around all the time. Is that what relationships are supposed to be? He can’t for the life of him figure it out.
Dennis checks his fingernails. ”Names are Melissa and Barbara—“
”Damn it!” Frank throws his cup of coffee, now crumpled, at the wall. Thankfully it’s empty. The walls seem to give them the sneaking suspicion that they’d be expensive to repair. “Not Melissa, no!”
”What’s wrong?” Dee looks back and forth between the two of them.
”I wanted to bang Melissa!” He yells. “But she’s a queer banging some other teacher? Some tall stallion? What am I supposed to do?!”
”There’s a lot wrong with that sentence, is that just me?” Dee says. Frank says so much crazy shit that they don’t even bat an eye. “God, yeah. Guess it’s just me. Fine! Proceed.”
”Frank?” Dennis stops them all. “Why don’t you head home first? I got everything.”
Dennis is ready.
After a whole night of researching then rehearsing what he’ll say to Ava and how he’ll say it, he’s ready. He’s going to tell her about how he knows Melissa and Barbara are having an affair, and if she doesn’t sign the slip he’ll unleash hell on their lives and anyone involved. And if the rumors are false? Well, it would be a simple mistake, a Hail Mary. Not that it would be easy to disprove.
”Hey, man, don’t do it!” Charlie runs toward him, screaming like a maniac. Seriously? Now? When he’s all dressed up in his nice jeans and shirt, perfectly prepared to speak. “Man, don’t go in there!”
”What the hell is it this time, Charlie?” He groans.
”Melissa could totally whack us, dude. It’d probably be way worse than when we took that cocaine from that mob, man.”
”Except Melissa won’t whack us. It’ll be an anonymous kind of gig.” He reassures him. Why is he reassuring him? Charlie is a grown man, for fuck’s sake! And Melissa isn’t someone that can just whack them, not definitively. “How about you just let me do my job here? Everything is going to be fine, Charlie. Just don’t act like your goddamn mom, going all crazy at me.”
Charlie clenches his fist as Dennis heads into her office. “I’m not acting crazy.” He hates it when people think he’s acting crazy. He’s just acting how he thinks will result in everyone being happy. “I’m not.” But he knows Dennis doesn’t hear him at that point. He never does.
”Hey, Ava!” Dennis smiles charmingly from the moment he is in her view. He thinks he looks good today. His hair has decided to be fluffy and wavy instead of the flat mess it’s been recently, he isn’t bloated, he’s managed to sleep well last night.
”Oh, it’s you. Mr. Camera Shy.” She snorts. She’s making a piñata on the table, which he finds a bit strange but doesn’t question. Doesn’t have a good point of reference for what principals usually do. “Sit down.” Her voice is commanding, scary.
”Of course.” He sits immediately. The chair is surprisingly plush, so he leans back and crosses his legs. “So, how have you been today? Good morning?”
”Just say what you want, it’ll be better than staying too long and pissing me off.” She looks up, exasperated. “If this is about signing the slip, though, it’s useless. Mac already tried and I decided I want you guys for every hour you’re worth.”
Dennis’ posture straightens to the point that it looks uncomfortable. His neck strains from how high he tries putting himself to look down at her. Doesn’t work too well, she’s actually very tall. His gaze sharpens. “Alright, let’s play that way, then.” He leans in. “I know of two of your teachers having an affair. Now, I suppose it might not affect you, but with the status both of them hold, surely it would be quite the gut punch if the news were to be released into the wild?” He smirks. This has gotta be it, the trap to fall into. “What, did you know? You trying to sweep this under a rug like some terrible boss?”
But she’s unfazed. All he can do is guess that she already knew. “How about I do you one better?” She turns her laptop around, he wasn’t aware it was on. “I searched for you and your friends’ criminal records, and look what I found.”
Lo and behold, her screen filled with links, websites, pictures, anything he could think of. An amalgamation of every wrongdoing they’ve been caught for. “We have nothing to lose.”
”Wanna bet?” Ava says in a hushed tone. “I see what car you drive. It’s a nice Range Rover, pretty old, though. If I hunt down even a fraction of any meager asset you have, which I can, you’ll be dead before the morning. Don’t forget that you specifically shouldn’t even be near this school.” His expression must have faltered, because her laptop is closed the next instant and she doesn’t seem to give a crap anymore. “So are we good? You fine with just doing your time and keeping your mouth shut?”
What else is he supposed to say? He’s in some twisted checkmate. She might be recording, Mac said she keeps tons of cameras and microphones around. She’s basically a human evidence gatherer. “No. I have nothing to say.”
”Cool.” She nods, but damn it if she isn’t shaken. “Don’t mention this to either of them, yeah?”
”Oh, so you know who they are.”
No response. Ava just keeps making her piñata. “You can leave this room now. I don’t care.”
That’s it, there’s nothing more he can think to say. After maybe six seconds of staring at her, he slowly gets up and leaves. It’s a walk of shame back to the teachers’ lounge. He sees Melissa on the way, walking with Barbara in the opposite direction. She gives him a somber look, one he’s seen when someone narrowly avoids having their lives irreversibly…changed. Ruined, changed, what’s the difference?
”Alright, guys,” he claps his hands together. It’s disappointing. How does he tell them he was outsmarted so effortlessly? “Looks like we aren’t leaving this place.”
They don’t hear him. They’re listening to Charlie reading out a book. The Very Hungry Caterpillar. He almost scoffs, but he also almost thinks it’s sweet. He didn’t know Charlie could do that. He doesn’t say it again, just sits next to Dee and watches as he painstakingly makes it to the end of the book. Good for him.
”Oh, you’re here.” Charlie points to him. He has something like a new glow to him, a new spark in his eyes. “D’you say something?”
Dennis knows he is supposed to be disappointed. He came to Abbott Elementary to check something off of his to-do list, and now he’s watching Charlie read something coherently and correctly for the first time in however long they’ve been alive. God, it makes his blood boil. “Well, guys, I don’t think we can leave here until we actually fulfill our duties. Seems they have more dirt on us than we have them.”
A pause.
“Well no shit.” Dee says. He tries pretending it was a useless squawk, but he thinks about it. They already knew they were there for what a judge considered a crime and that they ran some shitty bar in South Philly. Now that he thinks about it, he wonders how they only received a hundred hours of community service.
”So what? You’re all just fine staying here? That’s the end of the story?” Dennis gawks at them. They look so content, even after the tomfoolery and berating they have undergone. He wonders what he could’ve missed from them, some epiphany that brainwashed them into liking Abbott. “Goddamn idiots, you’ll be trapped here until we’re bones if you don’t wake up. Let’s figure something else out.”
They don’t hear him again. Dee even leaves because she’s been doing good at helping kids make crafts in Janine’s class. Mac just pats his shoulder through the chaos. It’s unequivocally gentle. “Or we could just hang out here for a while.”