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They were lying next to each other. It felt a bit odd, it being the bed Aaron had shared with John, but at the same time it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Robert had spent years dreaming of this – to have Aaron gazing at him with such openness and love – but right now, all Robert could think of was the deep scar on the side of Aaron’s head.
He’d been through so much trauma and yet here he was, rebuilding his life, even talking of making future ‘plans’ with Robert. Aaron had always been strong, but Robert could tell he was still hurting; he could see it in the smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes, and now it was Robert holding a secret that was sure to rip his heart out all over again.
Robert reached a tentative hand out to Aaron’s scar and traced his finger along it. He hated the level of distance still between them, especially when he could tell how much Aaron wanted and needed that physical intimacy.
“It doesn’t hurt,” Aaron said.
Robert nodded but couldn’t hold back the visions of Aaron lying lifeless at the bottom of that gorge. He closed his eyes.
“Hey,” Aaron whispered, placing a hand on Robert’s arm.
“I was so certain you were dead.” The words came out of Robert so small and quiet; he wasn’t sure he’d said them aloud at all.
“I’m alright. I’m here. Like you said, we got through it, we’re okay.” Aaron sounded so hopeful Robert couldn’t bear it anymore. He sat up, pulling away from Aaron.
“Robert, what is it?”
Robert took a deep breath. “There’s stuff you don’t know about when I was in prison.”
Aaron sat up next to him and put a supportive hand on his arm and looked at him with such love and understanding. “Robert, you can tell me. There’s no judgement here.”
“I haven’t been honest with you.” Robert could barely look Aaron in the eye.
“Okay.”
“You know I was targeted in prison.” Aaron nodded. “It was relentless.” Robert could feel tears welling in the corners of his eyes as Aaron squeezed his arm. “There was this guy, Kev, and he offered me safety, protection.”
“How’d you mean?”
“Kev’s respected.” Feared, more like. “And we started a relationship.”
Aaron took this in. “Okay.”
Robert looks him in the eye. “We got married.”
The revelation hangs in the air. There’s so much to be said and yet nothing to say at the same time.
Aaron pulls away from Robert, his expression a mixture of hurt and confusion. “So, you’re, what, divorced?”
Robert shakes his head.
Aaron stands up and paces, rubbing a hand across his face. Robert can feel the anger radiating off of him.
“All that stuff you said when you first came back about never stopping loving me, that was just rubbish was it?”
Robert stands, approaches Aaron, takes his arm, and looks at him earnestly. “I meant every word. It’s you I want to be with; it’s always you.”
Aaron considers, torn, both angry and hurt. “So, you’re leaving him?”
“I can’t.” It breaks Robert’s heart.
Aaron yanks his arm free and turns away; Robert worries Aaron may hit him.
“He’s got six months to live,” Robert says. Aaron stops pacing. “Kev. They’ve given him six months to live.”
Aaron shakes his head, an incredulous smile on his face.
“It’s not funny.” Robert feels suddenly defensive.
“I want you out,” Aaron says, calm and steady.
“What.” Robert feels small and deflated.
“Out, Robert! I want you out!” Aaron shouts, grabbing Robert’s jacket, lying on the floor, and throwing it at him.
Robert sheepishly leaves, his breaths heaving. He can hear Aaron sobbing in the bedroom as he reaches the front door. He shuts it behind him, before sinking to the floor and allowing his own tears to fall.
***
It had been a few days since he’d come clean to Aaron. Victoria was proud of Robert for telling the truth, and he did feel a little better himself, if he was being honest. He missed Aaron, like a big black hole in his heart, but he’d missed Aaron every day for the past six years, so it was a familiar feeling by now. The guilt of lying to him and the resulting invisible wall that had built up between them had been almost harder to bear.
So, here he was, peeling potatoes in his sister’s kitchen, putting one foot in front of the other and taking things one day at a time.
There was a knock at the door and Victoria called from upstairs: “I’ll get it.” She ran down and opened the door. “Oh, hiya.”
Then came a familiar, gruff voice, and Robert’s heart stopped. “I’m just dropping off some stuff.” Aaron stepped into the hallway. Robert turned and their eyes met for a brief moment. Robert continued peeling.
“I’ll leave you to it,” Victoria disappeared back upstairs.
Aaron came into the kitchen. An awkward silence followed.
“Robert, would you stop hacking at that potato and just look at me.”
He stopped and turned to face him; Robert was surprised to see Aaron looking at him calmly and with something like affection. “Sorry,” he said.
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
It was a difficult question. Robert wasn’t quite sure he knew the answer himself. He braced his hands against the counter and looked at the floor. “I didn’t know how.” It wasn’t a good enough answer. Aaron looked at him expectantly.
Robert looked up and thought hard, searching himself deep inside. Aaron deserved the truth.
“I dunno, I guess.” Robert stopped. “I guess it didn’t occur to me at first. I was just so happy to be out, to be able to see you, talk to you, even if you hated my guts. It’s like I was high on it. I forgot all about my life in prison. Well, most of the time.” His eyes darted to the floor. He hadn’t told Aaron about his night terrors yet. “And then Kev gets back in touch with me, and he tells me he’s dying and he might get compassionate leave and -” He trailed off. He could feel his chest heaving, panic rising.
Aaron waited patiently.
“I guess, I wanted to keep it separate. My life in prison and my life on the outside, with you.” He locked eyes with Aaron.
“Why? I told you I wanted to help you.”
“I guess I was ashamed.”
Aaron stepped closer to him. “Why?”
Robert’s emotions boiled over. “I ruined everything. I had everything I wanted. We were so happy.” Aaron rubbed Robert’s arms, tears in his own eyes. “The things I had to do in prison, Aaron -”
“You don’t have to tell me, now, alright?” Aaron rubs his arms. “We’ll work through it, together.”
Robert stared at Aaron; he couldn’t believe he was forgiving him. “I don’t deserve you.”
Aaron smirked. “No, you don’t. But I love you.”
Robert wraps his arms around Aaron’s waist. “I love you more.” Aaron smiles. Robert buries his head in Aaron’s shoulder.
“I just wish you’d told me sooner.”
“I’m sorry.” Robert sobs.
“It’s alright, I’m here,” Aaron soothes.
And Robert relaxes for the first time in six years.