Work Text:
“So,” Kirk began awkwardly. “What… what does this make us then?” He spoke the words into the dark. The lights too low for him to make out Spock’s features beyond a rough silhouette.
“Friends who have sex occasionally.” Spock replied, his tone cool and understanding. “I believe your Earth people used to refer to it as “friends with benefits” with the benefits presumably consisting of sexual favors.”
“Ah,” Kirk’s voice trembled as he uttered the sound. It wasn’t as if he had expected more but the reality of what Spock was saying seemed to crash down around him. They were friends who’d just had sex. Not lovers, not potential partners. At least not in any way Kirk had built up in his mind.
“Jim,” Spock’s voice broke the silence that had followed Kirk’s pathetic attempt at a reply. Spock’s voice in turn was soft, if anything a little understanding, a little human though Jim would never dare say so. “This is what I can offer. What I have to give. I am an unsuitable choice of mate, I have found that I cannot give what romantic partners deserve. T’Pring had to discover this and I cannot make another person go through that.”
Kirk’s brow furrowed, “I am afraid I don’t understand Spock.” He now turned his body to face Spock even in the dark, resting his head on his hand, propping it up to better look at the shadowy figure of the man laying next to him in his own bed.
“I do not feel traditional sexual attraction, at least in how I understand it.” His eyes caught whatever slivers of light were in the room as his gaze settled on Kirk. “I experience sex positively, obviously,” he motioned between them. “I can appreciate the self regulatory aspects of it and it is a venue of exploration of many things. I appreciate doing it with someone I know, who I can trust, and who is presumably skilled in the act.”
Kirk blushed.
“It is also not to do with you and your levels of perceived attractiveness,” Spock continued, “Which I know are important to you. I have never felt attraction the way most seem to and I think it unlikely I ever will. I do not yet know my capacity for romantic partnership but it feels similarly unlikely and has not been a priority.”
“So you want to continue having sex with me but it’s because we’re friends and you trust me?”
“In essence, yes. I want to continue to be your friend, and perhaps we could continue to have this element in our relationship going forward.”
Kirk thought over the idea carefully. It was something that, if he agreed to, meant putting certain feelings away in boxes deep into the recesses of his mind. Feelings that he had pulled forward that night thinking they were a possibility. Only to now find that he had well and truly put the cart before the horse.
Because he did think he had feelings for Spock, or at least feelings that could develop further. But it was silly to think that it was the 24th century after all, and he knew better than to think less of the friendships he’d built in his life.
And if he was truly honest with himself he wasn’t ready for that sort of commitment, to settle down, to give up his ship, his crew, his purpose for living. He knew he wouldn’t give it up even if Spock asked him to.
“I know sex and love are often intertwined,” Spock said. Kirk realized he’d been paused awkwardly for too long, the night only heightening the awkward nature of their conversation. “I understand if-”
“No-” Kirk interjected, “I want what you want. The sex was good, you’re a good partner in bed, and a good friend. Why shouldn’t we share both?”
There was a soft sigh of relief and then Spock replied, “I see we are of a similar mindset. I’ll file the relationship with Starfleet in the morning.” He yawned and Kirk accepted readily that Spock was likely going to fall asleep in bed with him, the thought not at all unwelcome.
“I’m sure you will, Spock.” Kirk settled down on the bed next to him. It was nice, not being alone, even if it wasn’t an arrangement he’d expected, he found he liked the idea regardless.
He only hoped he wouldn’t regret it.