Chapter Text
Sweep, sweep, sweep
The sound of MK brushing the floor filled the empty noodle place. It was quite the long day and they were just cleaning up. And by they? Just MK. Tang was slurping on noodles as Pigsy was busy doing… something? on his phone. It was just a normal day at Pigsy’s Noodles… At least, it was supposed to be.
Tang looked up from the broth of his bowl, glancing around the restaurant. With the chaos of the lunch rush over, the room had fallen into a comfortable silence. Now, normally at this time, Pigsy would be yelling at Tang to pay his bill, or tell MK to sweep faster till he could see his face on the wooden planks.
However, the chef’s eyes never left his phone, and as Tang continued to observe, something alarming happened -
Pigsy smiled.
Tang directed an *ahem* towards MK, who looked at him in confusion. Tang’s eyes suggestively glanced from the boy to Pigsy, who glanced and noticed the problem.
His jaw was on the not-fully-swept floor in seconds. Now the question is, who would ask? MK shook his head as Tang pointedly looked at him, then Tang, in all his glory, raised his hand for a game of rock, paper, scissors. Loser asks. MK nods, psyching himself up.
Rock.. Paper… Scissors… Shoot!
Tang obviously picked paper, after all, everyone goes for rock right? That’s what he thought, as he smugly opened his eyes to a face full of scissors.
Shoot, indeed.
Okay.
MK immediately moved into an impromptu victory dance, looking back and forth between Tang and Pigsy. The scholar sighed, mentally writing his will, and oh-so-casually tapped the counter to get the pig’s attention.
“Oh, Pigsy!” he called, voice deafening in the silence - other than MK’s muffled snickers, that is. “What…what are you doing?”
“Huh? Nothin’.” Pigsy waved a dismissive hand, gaze not wavering for a second.
No yelling? No telling him to butt out of his business? Something was definitely up.
Mk cleared his throat, “Uh, ya sure, Pigsy? You’ve been smiling at your phone for a concerning amount of time-”
Pigsy raised an eyebrow as he interrupted, “I smiled for one second, kid.”
“Exactly!”
“Okay. Okay? Okay. You two are the worst. But, if you must know… This old dog still got game.”
Tang raised an eyebrow in confusion, cracking a teeny, very tiny smile as MK cringed from the slang that Pigsy probably got taught by Mei.
MK then realized - “Wait- waitwaitwaitwait WAIT. What do you mean by ‘you still got game’?!”
Pigsy snorted smugly, raising his hand to his chest,
“I got a date!”
The laughter came before Tang could stop it. He slapped a hand over his mouth as one snort broke through, then another, but to no avail; tears were springing to his eyes in seconds. Another glance at Pigsy’s confident expression broke the dam entirely, and he broke down into hysterics.
On the other side, MK dropped the broom, his hands clutching the sides of his head in surprise as he let out a very long “Whhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttt?!”
Pigsy’s arrogant smirk faltered to an annoyed one. “Hey, what's with the chuckles and yells?” MK broke out from it first, ignoring Tang’s hyena-like laughter to elaborate.
“W-well- You’re just not the person I… expected! To get a date! But of course I’m happy for… you…?” He awkwardly shrugged and smiled, still in shock.
Tang recovered for just long enough to wheeze out, “There’s no way! Pigsy? Pigsy? A date?”
Any further comments were lost to another bout of cackling as Pigsy crossed his arms, glaring at the pair. He had half a mind to smack the back of their heads with a spoon.
“I don’t see you bringin’ anyone home, you freeloader!” he snapped, brandishing the aforementioned spoon right at the scholar’s face.
Said freeloader blurted, “Well I-” before being interrupted by Pigsy again.
“Plus, y’know, for such an important thing it is, I don’t see you lot askin’ me anythin’ about her!”
“It’s a her?”
“Shuddit!”
Pigsy sighed, before MK said, “Well, what is she like? If she’s gonna be my new mom, she’s got to be cool!”
“Well she’s cool, likes ta cook like I do… she also runs a store at the market…”
The delivery boy looked in awe with twinkles in his eyes, “Wow! With so many similarities, I’m surprised Tang and I haven’t met her yet!” he said, as Tang was still recovering from his fit of giggles.
Pigsy awkwardly chuckled… “Oh, right… yeah.. about that…!”
“Yoo-hoo!”
Suddenly, a feminine voice rang out from outside the noodle shop. “I’m here for my date!”
“That voice sounds so familiar!” MK squinted at the ominously swishing portiere. “Wait, that’s her?!”
Tang’s head whipped up, smile quickly replacing itself with a look of horror. “There’s no way…”
Before they could properly react, the date entered the doorway that was too small for her, a spider-queen shaped hole appearing in place.
“I probably shoulda mentioned she was the Spider-Queen…” Pigsy said, awkwardly smiling as he placed one hand in the back of his head, and the other wrapping around Spider-Queen’s.
Tang shrieked, diving behind the counter for cover. “Yeah, you probably should’ve!!” He yelled, his voice raising a few octaves.
“Ahem… Is there a problem?” Spider-Queen sternly asked, as if she literally didn’t try to conquer Megapolis and destroy all of them.
“No… no… I… I just have a lot more internalizing to do,” MK mumbled, staring up at the towering figure of his…ex-enemy? New mom? Worst nightmare?
“Of course there’s no problem, sweetheart!” Pigsy cooed, trying and failing to reach her shoulder for a comforting pat. He settled for patting the side of her mechanical spider body.
“Nono NO. We are NOT doing this Pigson!” Tang yelled from the counter he hid. “She’s probably just using you for the Monkey King’s legendary staff! Or- or more of MK’s hair!!”
“Nonsense, my sweet porkchops has changed my life for the better!” Spider-Queen happily said, seeming honest as well….
Tang went from the counter to behind MK, who honestly looked like he was going through 5 breakdowns at once, “Look at the poor boy! Is there no one else you could have settled for?!”
“Actually, there is.” Pigsy declares.
“WHAT?!” MK and Tang yell out in unison.
A suspiciously dark part of the room was suddenly moving. A shadow, eavesdropping, that was listening in to the entire conversaton suddenly made itself known.
“Yo kid, yo Tang.” The revealed Macaque says. “Long time no see.”
Tang, suddenly losing his ability to speak, grabs onto the fabric of MK’s jacket.
MK starts, “Y-you… you…”
“That’s right. Me and this hot piece of bacon are also together.”
Pigsy stilled for a moment, whirling around to squint at him. “Your hot piece of what?!”
Macaque ignored Pigsy and just repeated what he and Spider-Queen did and held Pigsy’s free hand.
“Hot piece of bacon…” Tang wheezed in complete and utter disbelief.
MK just went “mumumm…. wha… huh….”
“The poor boy seems to have lost his sense of thinking, hun, our love is just too powerful!” Spider-Queen exclaimed, reveling in the power of love instead of just power now.
“I hate to agree with the Spider Princess,” Macaque started as the Queen shot him a glare, “but exactly.”
Tang suppressed a gag as the monkey began to not-so-subtly caress Pigsy’s hand.
“This is not happening. He- he tried to kill us! They both tried to kill us!!”
“I can fix them.” Pigsy confidently said, “Plus, Macaque’s been on our good side for a while now.”
“He’s still a dick,” the scholar pointed out.
“Yeahhhhhhhh…” MK mumbled, “can’t really argue with that…”
As the delivery boy coughed into his fist, said dick raised a brow, having obviously picked up on his agreement.
“Is that any way to talk about your favorite teacher, bud?” Macaque said. “Or should I say…your father?”
Tang exhaled loudly, “Alright, so you’re dating a chef and a warrior. Great, Pigsy.”
“Make that 2 chefs.” Pigsy said, smirking.
And as if on cue, the roof had a new hole on it as a celestial being submerged to the shop and on top of Pigsy’s shoulders.
“Hi, MK! Hello, um…Tang, right?” the moon goddess squinted down at the scholar. “I’ve heard a lot about you and your, uh, freeloading! It’s good to see someone appreciating my sweet bundle of ham’s food!”
MK’s expression went from shocked to, a bit more relieved, “Actually… I’m okay with this. Hi Chang’e!” He said, smiling, ignoring the other two. While Tang adjusted his glasses, angrily muttering, “Correct, that is I.”
MK continued, “See this is good! This is good! I don’t know how you got to be with Spider-Queen and Macaque, but this is good!”
The scholar sighed, “C’mon, isn’t this too much, Pigsy? I mean, it almost feels like you’re building an army at this point.”
“Wow, Specs, that hurts.” Macaque said, smirking, no real pain behind the words. Pigsy nodded before saying, “Y’know what I think, ya freeloader? Yer jealous! We’re the same age but single, and I’m here and happier than ever!”
Tang, deeply offended, scoffed. “I’ll have you know that that description doesn’t apply to me, Piggy. If a battle is what you want, a battle is what you’ll get, just don’t be sad when you realize I’m not so lonely!”
Pigsy let out a bark of laughter, sneering in challenge.
“Oh, yeah? With you and what army?”
The scholar cleared his throat, and a tense, anticipatory quiet settled over the shop. Every eye in the room latched onto Tang’s every movement as he cupped two hands around his mouth, drew in air, and…
“YOO-HOO! SANDY!!”
Pigsy’s eyes went wide, “Wait- SANDY?!”
On a different wall, a huge crash came in, revealing Sandy, happy as always. “Hey guys! Tang and I are dating!”
“Since WHEN!?” Yelled Pigsy and MK, who was losing a bit of yellow from his skin which every new partner revealed.
Tang chuckled, “Oh, y’know. Just a thing that occurred.”
“That explains nothing.”
“Our love for each other doesn’t need explaining,” Tang cooed, offering a hand that was quickly engulfed in Sandy’s much larger grip.
Pigsy stammered before saying, “S-So what?! You and Sandy? Wow, you ain’t single, big whoop.”
A harsh light entered Tang’s glasses, making him appear menacing, “Oh, Pigsy, did you really think that was all… As a scholar, you can find that my ‘game’ expands to greater lengths than yours!”
Tang grabbed a peach from his robe, and threw it into the air, a loud boom, and suddenly there was a new hole next to the Sandy-shaped hole in the wall. Wukong grabbed the peach before it could land on the floor.
“Sup gang.” he said, smirking.
“MONKEY KING?!” MK shrieked, losing all semblance of color entirely. In the span of a few minutes, his whole world changed, went inside and out of itself and crumbled into itty bitty pieces.
“Hey bud! I know you said I was like a dad to you, so this outcome is pretty funny!”
“And of course, as your most beloved father figure,” Tang boasted, taking Wukong’s hand that wasn’t occupied by the peach, “this couldn’t be more perfect!”
He pushed up his glasses once more, staring down the bewildered chef across from him. “That’s two father figures against one, ‘Dadsy’.”
Pigsy was fuming, before clearing his throat, “So what? All you got is a big ol’ softie and primate-” Pigsy was interrupted as Macaque cleared his throat, slightly offended. “Uh, another freeloader, I mean. Sorry hun, ahem, is that all you got, Tang?”
“Pigsy, Pigsy, Pigsy.” The scholar shook his head, chuckling to himself. “You seem to have forgotten the extent of my game.”
Then, the ground rumbled. This didn’t come from a wall, or the roof, but the floor. From the floor emerged… The Scorpion Queen. Paralleling Chang’e and Pigsy by having Tang sit on her shoulders.
She cleared her throat, “I hope I’m not too late to the party.”
“Who is this?” “...I have never seen her before in my life.” “Who?”
The Scorpion Queen annoyingly gave them all a glare, “I am the Scorpion Queen, and Tang’s girlfriend.”
Pigsy, the only other one who knew her, had his jaw on the floor.
“When did you even find the time to- when- what?!”
“And that’s not all!” Tang interrupted, face split wide in a victorious grin. He was on a roll. “One of your lovers has actually been one of my lovers all along!”
A collective gasp filled the room, with Spider-Queen and Chang’e looking at each other and shaking, as if to confirm if they were the one.
Macaque groaned, “Listen, as much as I hate being near the presence of anything with Wukong’s face on it, I have to admit, the scholar does have this ‘game’ you all speak of.” He said smirking, knowing how to use the word but deciding to play along.
Seeing as the respective lovers were all holding each other, Macaque made a show by expanding one of his six ears to touch Tang’s forehead.
Tang looked very proud of himself. That was one more than Pigsy, this little ‘war’ of theirs ended in his favour.
However, as he looked down at the chef to observe what he assumed to be an expression of utter defeat, he instead found…a smile. It was just as unnerving as it had been when this all began.
“Oh, Tang. Poor, freeloading Tang. Did you really think this is over? Because your turn ended? Because after your turn, it naturally becomes mine again. Hohoho.”
Said freeloader was beginning to get nervous now. “Please. There’s- there’s no way you could’ve found anybody else.”
Pigsy proudly chortles. “Did ya really think you could play dirty by havin’ a two-timer on yer polycule? Because buddy, two can play at that. Ain’t that right, Wukong?”
Wukong just nodded while eating the peach. “Oh right I forgot to mention that. Uhhhh..” Wukong looked around before just using his tail to grab onto Pigsy’s leg, the room looking more like a game of Twister than anything.
“You’re dating both of my dads,” MK muttered in complete disbelief.
Wukong coughed, “Hey I’m not the only one! That other freak of nature is.” He said, pointing to Macaque who just waved with his other ear.
MK, “Okay, whatever. It’s not like anyone else here is dating both my dads, RIGHT?!”
“Um…” Sandy raised his hand, looking sheepish. “So about that…”
Everyone looked at Sandy, with Tang mortified and Pigsy smirking, “We go back a long while Tang, you really think you got to him first?”
“I…I don’t understand,” the scholar mumbled, staring wide-eyed between Sandy and Wukong. “You- you both said I had game!”
While Sandy made his own effort of joining Twister like the other lovers by expanding his beard to touch Pigsy’s dingaling, Wukong awkwardly mumbled, “Hey he has game too. And free food.”
“I have free food too!”
“That you get from me,” Pigsy chimed in, grinning victoriously. “Face it, Tang. You’ve lost.”
MK was dead on the floor.
Tang groans, “Alright, are there ANY other lovers I should know about?!”
Then, the door was actually opened properly, and in came The End Credits.
“Hello, I’m looking for a ‘Pigsy’?”
“That would be me!” Pigsy snorted in victory, another one in the bag.
“What is that.” Tang’s glasses slipped off his face. “This cannot be happening.”
Sandy says, “Oh I’ve seen ‘em around, usually at the end of one of our adventures.”
Tang raises his hands in defeat, letting go of his partners, “I straight up give up. You win, Pigsy! I have no fucking idea how you did this. I surrender. Goodbye.”
As Tang stood up to leave, the curtains open one more time, blocking him from exiting. Outside was the ... LADY BONE DEMON and THE MAYOR.
The Mayor speaks first, “I’ve heard much commotion in here, and I hate to interrupt, but Tang and I did set up a last-minute date here as well.”
“Y-Yes! Yes! I almost forgot!” The scholar whirled around to point an accusatory finger at the chef’s massive polycule. “This war isn’t over yet! We’re tied! The battlefield is even!”
Wukong mumbled, “Wait, didn’t we like… kill them…” Macaque hushes him, “Are you really asking that right now?”
MK is revived for a brief moment, looks up from the floor, makes eye contact with the Lady Bone Demon and immediately stops breathing again.
Chang’e grabs a flower and puts it to the delivery boy’s chest, “He was such a young soul…”
Tang, finally, after all this time, looked over to Pigsy. Perhaps now his expression was one of disdain, please for the love of all that is holy, let him crack! But that was not the case.
“Ya know the Lady Bone Demon is there for a reason right? We’re datin’ too.” Despite the several gasps that came from everyone, Pigsy did not falter.
“Indeed,” said the demon in her chilling tone, “Pigsy’s love for me transcends what any future held for me before. Him and I are destined to be together.”
“And I need to get out of here.” Said Tang, literally no more defenses, he just left at this point. The Mayor, having been stood up, joined Pigsy’s team in protest, adding, “Well, if my Lady joins him, then I shall too, so much for that scholar.”
...
“So I win right?” Pigsy asked his several partners.
“Oh, totally,” Wukong agreed, picking a bit of peach from his teeth. “How about we celebrate by playing my awesome game ‘Journey of the West’-”
“NO!!” the entire room shouts in unison.
“I haven’t even seen it and I know it’s bad,” Spider-Queen piped in.
Macaque cleared his throat, “I prefer my version, personally.”