Archive of Our Own

It starts as some sort of dream. I am warm and sleepy and lying in my bed, curled up in blankets. I open my eyes and see a man wearing a blue and grey sweater and worn blue jeans sitting on the edge of the bed. He tilts his head a little and smiles.

It's Bono.

I open my mouth to ask a question and he shakes his head, reaching out and putting a finger to my lips. I shut up and wait for him to speak.

Bono gets up and walks over to the window, opening the curtains. I unwrap myself and go over, sliding an arm around his waist and resting my head on his shoulder.

The window looks into a hospital room and Bono closes his hand around my arm, holding me close.

"You're dying," he says to me matter of factly and I nod a little, thinking that I must be because Bono is here and he's already dead; three years now actually from a car accident.

"What happened to me?" I ask, tilting my head a little as I look at myself through the window. I'm hooked up to more machines than I care to comment on and have to look away after a few moments.

"Massive heart attack," Bono says, shutting the curtains again. "You were eating breakfast with Alex and Iman and you just slumped over. Didn't even get a chance to tell them something was wrong."

I feel so guilty for that and I press my face to Bono's shoulder.

"You died on the way to the hospital but they got you back. You're in a deep coma and the prognosis is grim right now."

I nod again. "That's why you're here? To tell me that I'm dying?"

Bono turns in my arms and lifts my chin to look at me, his eyes so warm and blue and I didn't know how much I missed seeing them until now.

"I'm here to offer you a chance to live."

 

 

Bono explains it to me over coffee with lots of cream and sugar and fattening, sugary breakfast treats that I haven't been able to have in years. A perk of being dead "is that it doesn't bloody matter what you eat" he says with a laugh.

I sip my coffee thoughtfully. "I have seven days to change my life?"

"You have seven days to change one thing in your life," Bono looks at me seriously. "Pick wisely, David. You only get this one chance."

"JC," I say softly, not even having to think. "I want to change what happened to me and JC."

Bono sighs and looks away. He lifts his coffee mug to his lips and nods. "All right. What do you want to change?"

"I want to be with him," I say without hesitation. "I don't want us to end up estranged like we did. I want to be his and I want him to be mine."

"That's the only thing you want to change?" Bono looks at me, his eyes sad.

I steel my resolve and nod. "I want JC."

Bono sets his coffee mug down and meets my eyes once more. "This is your last chance, David. Is that what you want?"

I swallow and nod. "Yes, Bono. I want to try and keep JC. That's the change I want to make."

The room changes around me and all I can see is white. Bono is standing next to me wearing all white, his expression unreadable.

"David Robert Bowie," his voice echoes around me. "You have chosen to go back and change your relationship with one Joshua Scott Chasez. I will be your guide and at the end of each day you will be given a choice to continue or to let things stay as they are."

I nod slowly, understanding what he means. I get one chance at this and I can stop at anytime.

"Where do I start?"

Bono comes closer. "You have seven days and you can choose the days. If the day you are on does not change the future the way you want it to you can move on to another day of your choice."

"Okay," I say softly. "I know where I want to start."

Bono leans forward and kisses me gently. He brushes his fingers through my hair and smiles softly.

"The day you met him."

I kiss him back, glad that he is the one here with me. He closes his eyes and I can feel him breath which makes me pause for a moment.

"Dead people can breath?"

Bono pulls back and looks at me.

"You seem to think we can."

 

 

I sigh softly around a cigarette, eyes combing the room. It's full of kids who probably don't even know who I am but are going to pretend they do because it's cool to go up to the old guy with the crinkly eyes and tell him that he's great.

I know that the majority of it is pure bullshit but I almost don't care. It's been almost a year out of the spotlight, letting myself slide back into the shadows where I can be daddy and not him.

I close my eyes briefly as the feeling of déjà vu washes over me so sharply I think that I can smell it, touch it. It's tangible in the air, right down to what I'm thinking.

I can see Bono on the edges of my vision as I open my eyes again. He's smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini, sucking on the olive before popping it in his mouth and chewing. I know that only I can see him and he gives me a little wink and tilts his head towards the bartender.

I see JC blushing and talking to Justin, who is nudging him and pointing openly at me. I swallow and wish pray for a drink to appear in my hands.

He shuffles over and stutters when he holds out a shaking hand to me. I shake it, marveling at how young he is. I see him how he was the last time we met in a foyer dropping off my daughter at his house. His eyes had wrinkles radiating from the corners and his hair was long and past his shoulders. If I squint I can see the gray that peppers his hair in the future.

"In Cygnet Committee, you use descending thirds. I think that was a fantastic choice for that song and I really love that you had the balls to do that when no one was doing that."

I give him an assured smile and take another drag on my cigarette. Now that I'm here, in this situation, I don't know what to do, how to act.

"Thank you," I say, reaching out and shaking his hand again. "I think the work you did on Game Over was excellent, especially the section where you and Joey are singing."

JC is taken aback, his eyes wide. This didn't happen the first time we met. I hadn't known the first thing about his music but over the years I learned what little nuances he had brought to songs. Game Over was one of his favourites for the longest time because he got to sing just with Joey.

"T...thank you," he stutters, his fingers still wrapped around my hand. "I didn't expect you to know my work. Or who I am."

I smile warmly this time. "I'd have to be blind and living in a hole somewhere not to know who you are."

JC swallows nervously and gestures towards the bar. "Can I get you a drink?"

I nod and brush my thumb across the underside of his wrist before letting go. "I'll take a whiskey."

JC nods and finally gives me a flirty look, his eyes taking on a softer look and his upper lip quirking into a small smile. I know that look well but haven't seen it in years. Over a decade, I think. It's beautiful to see it again.

The whiskey goes down smooth and quick even though I haven't been allowed to drink since my 65th birthday. I see Bono making himself another martini, the rest of the world oblivious to him. I see though and I look away, back at JC. I have to concentrate on him to make the future change.

 

 

"Well, you're no Trent Reznor," I tease, giving him a fond smile so he knows I'm joking. "But you talk music good."

He leans closer to me, those perfect lips parted slightly. I wonder if he knows what he's doing to me right now and what he will do to me in the future.

I close the distance and kiss him, feeling him inhale sharply in surprise, his eyelids fluttering shut. One of my hands cups the back of his neck the way he likes it and I lick at his lower lip before pulling away.

Slowly, ever so slowly, his eyes open again and he looks at me, surprised. With a trembling hand, he reaches up to touch his lower lip before drawing the lip in and looking up at me under his eyelashes.

I smile a little and brush my thumb across one perfect cheekbone. I get the desired response and he pushes his face into my hand and I kiss him again. His hand slides under my shirt and rests on the small of my back.

The kiss becomes heated quickly and I'm just nuzzling his neck and letting a hand drift to the waistband of his pants when I hear.

"JC!"

We fly apart and Lance comes stalking over, his eyes wide and angry.

"What are you doing?" He grabs JC's arm, pulling him up. "There are photographers everywhere."

"Sorry," JC says, stumbling a little. "I just got carried away. I'm sorry."

"Justin was supposed to be watching you," Lance gives me a sharp look. "I can't believe the both of you were so stupid."

I don't even get a chance to open my mouth before everything turns white again and Bono is standing next to me holding a martini.

"Well that was unsuccessful unless you were trying to never see JC again," Bono sips the martini and gives me a look. "In that lifetime you never saw him again."

"Oh," I say softly. I rub my arm and look at him. "Can I try again?"

"From then?"

I shake my head. "Can I keep the original beginning and move onto another day?"

"Yes," Bono rolls his eyes. "Of course. I love rearranging time and space. Just give me a few minutes."

I nod and walk back over to the window, pulling aside the curtain to look at myself. Alex is next to the bed, talking to me. I squint trying to see what she's saying.

Bono's arm comes across my waist, pulling me close. "She's telling you that she loves you and she got a B on her math test."

"We studied so hard for that," I say softly. "She was really worried about it."

Bono brushes his fingers through my hair and rests his chin on my shoulder. "We can stop now."

I shake my head. "I have to try, Bono."

"Okay," Bono kisses my jaw. "Then pick your next day."

I think for a moment and then turn to look at him. "January 13th, 2002."

Bono's forehead wrinkles. "Why do you want to go to that day? Nothing special happened that day."

"Exactly."

 

 

As I slowly regain consciousness, I notice the little things; JC's curls brushing the back of my neck, his hand resting on my stomach, the fingers fluttering slightly. I swear he tries to play music while he dreams.

We're in my bedroom at the house in Switzerland. It's cold and the sun peaks through the curtains. I snuggle in closer and breathe in the scent of JC, feeling surrounded by him and like nothing can bother me.

"You really should wake him up and get moving," says Bono as he rummages through my dresser drawer. "You can't change the future by sleeping."

I groan softly and lift my head. "Why are you here?"

"You asked me," JC murmurs, shifting in my arms.

"Careful," Bono says, a finger to his lips. "He can hear you speak to me even though he doesn't see me."

"You should leave then," I grumble before pressing a kiss to JC's temple. "Not you, babe. Go back to sleep."

JC turns and smiles up at me sleepily, his eyes barely opened. "'M not sleepy."

I chuckle and almost forget that Bono is leaning against the dresser watching us. I can hear his lighter spark and I fight the urge to turn to watch. Instead I slide my fingers over JC's ribs, tickling a little before I smooth my hand over his stomach. He arches a little and makes a soft sound in the back of his throat.

I kiss him again, cupping his hipbone in my hand, sliding a thumb over the silky skin. He wraps an arm around my neck and I hear Bono clear his throat behind me. Anger prickles along my spine at that and I try to ignore it instead concentrating on the way that JC curls his hand around my dick.

"So you came back to fuck him," Bono says dryly and I let out an exasperated whimper. "You know that I can get in trouble for allowing this."

JC looks up at me, at the expression on my face. "Um. You okay?"

"I'm fine," I say, glancing over at Bono and shooting him a death look. I turn back to JC and kiss him. "Everything's great."

JC frowns a little and sits up, his hand resting on my inner thigh. "I'm gonna go brush my teeth."

I sigh as he walks out of the room easily, one of his hands smoothing over his stomach as he moves. I turn to glare at Bono.

"Why are you watching everything I do?"

Bono exhales slowly, looking at me calmly. "It's my job to watch over you. And you better do something other than fuck him all day long while we're here. This wasn't a chance to relive the past. It's a chance to change the future."

"I know," I grit my teeth. "Please. Just trust me."

Bono sighs and looks up at the sky. "You still have that autographed collection of Rushdie's works I gave you?"

I nod. "It's at this house."

"I'll be in the living room." Bono turns to leave, pausing with his hand on the door. "Don't get me in trouble. Please."

I frown. "I won't."

JC walks back in, stepping through Bono without even noticing him. I wince a little at the way Bono hunches over, almost shivering at that. He disappears though and I feel a pull to follow him.

"Hey," JC bounces onto the bed, his smile wide. I smile back and lean in to kiss him deeply. He giggles a little and moves closer, sliding a hand to the back of my neck and pulling me into a tight kiss, all minty fresh and clean.

I let myself live in the moment for the time being. There will be time to change the future later.

 

 

"Daaavid," JC calls from the kitchen.

I sigh softly and look at Bono who's face is stony as he looks at me. "I really need to go see what's going on. He's cooking."

Bono just nods and goes back to reading. I didn't want to hear anymore of his caustic remarks and reminders. I know he's just doing his job but right now it's a bother. I keep thinking he wants to say something to me but he doesn't; just reiterates the deal.

JC is in the kitchen, an apron around his waist. I can hear him singing and I stop in the doorway to watch him. I smile softly and know that I'm doing the right thing.

He turns and smiles at me brightly. "I made grilled cheese."

I smile back and wrap my arms around his waist from behind, kissing the corner of his smile. He laughs and flips another sandwich, pressing it flat with the spatula. It hisses on the pan and I slide my fingers under the apron and stroke his bare skin.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you to wear clothing when you cook with oil?" I ask, smiling against his shoulder. I know he can feel it.

"My mother told me never to cook," JC laughs, turning off the stove and putting the sandwiches on plates. "Joey taught me how to cook."

He frowns a little at that but he brushes it off, putting the plates on the table and taking off the apron before sitting down. I lean over and kiss him and he smiles proudly. He tries to cook so rarely.

"I was thinking we could go skiing today," says JC hopefully, his eyes wide.

"Are you allowed to go skiing?" I ask him seriously. I know in the past I've had certain things in my contract that I'm not allowed to do, like skiing.

JC pouts. "No. But I'll be careful. I won't tell Lance that you let me go skiing."

I try to remember if we went skiing before and cringe a little. We did go skiing because I couldn't resist JC's pout and he ended up breaking his ankle. Lance chewed me out for hours and I didn't see JC for almost a month because of that.

"What if we went cross-country skiing instead of downhill?" I suggest innocently, hoping that he would agree to that.

"Can I look at all the birds and kiss you in the snow?"

"Of course," I lean over and kiss his nose which makes him blush and giggle like always. "I love you."

I catch a glimpse of Bono as he turns away, leaving the room. It looks like he's crying. I feel horrible and wonder if angels can cry.

 

 

It's late when we get back and JC's all rosy-cheeked and laughing and his hair is a huge, windblown mess, the curls all over the place. He kisses me happily and slides icy cold fingers under my shirt and I gasp with laughter and shock, pulling his hands out and holding them in my hands tightly.

"Don't get started having sex again," says Bono from behind me. "You've changed things. The phone is going to ring. Don't let JC answer it."

I can't acknowledge him but I tense at that, wondering what I've done. I didn't know that he was allowed to warn me about what was to come. He disappears, leaving me alone with JC who is giggling and kissing my neck.

"Hey, hey," I say, pushing him back a little. "You want something warm to drink?"

"Something warm and salty," JC says coyly, his ice cold hands sliding to my crotch and squeezing gently.

"Later," I laugh, gasping again at the coldness of his fingers. "Let's get some tea or something."

JC pouts but lets me lead him into the kitchen. I'm taking Bono's warning seriously and sit JC at the table and make him some tea. He blows on it happily, sipping at the hot liquid. He's already forgotten about the sex and is talking happily about the birds he saw this afternoon.

The phone rings and I pause, my hand hovering next to my tea mug.

"I'll get it," says JC easily. He knows that my wife won't call on the main line, only my cell, her way of protecting herself from the truth.

"No!" I jump up, giving him a quick smile. "I got it."

JC gives me a strange smile but lets me answer it.

I take a deep breath before picking it up. "Hello?"

"Dad? Thank God you're there."

I close my eyes tightly. "Hey, Joe. What's up?" My son definitely didn't call the first time this day happened.

"I need a really big favour," Joe says quickly. "Please don't say no."

"When you start off like that there's a fairly good chance I'm going to say no."

"Say yes to him," says Bono in my right ear. I jump because he wasn't there a moment ago and now he's breathing on my neck. "Just trust me, David."

"I need a place to crash tonight," Joe says to me. "I'm in town and I had a fight with Mariel and I can't stay with her."

I sigh and turn to face the wall. This can't end well if JC's here and Joe stays here tonight. But Bono told me to say yes.

"Okay. Do you have your keys?" I bang my head against the wall. "Yeah. I'll probably be there in like an hour or so. You gonna be up?"

I look over at JC who's drinking his tea and twirling a lock of his hair around his finger. I feasibly could just sequester us to our room and pray that Joe doesn't realize there's someone else in the house. But it's pretty unlikely that's going to work.

"Yeah," I bite my lip. "I have a friend here so you know."

"Who is it?" Joe knows most of my friends but he doesn't know JC. "Uncle Mick?"

"No," I run my fingers through my hair. "His name's Josh. He's a singer."

Joe is quiet for a moment. "Are you fucking him?"

"Joseph!"

"It's not like it's a far-fetched question so don't get all high and mighty on me, Dad."

"I am not going to answer that," I say calmly. "I will see you when you get here."

Joe grunts a little and tells me he loves me before hanging up. I bang my head on the wall again and startle a little when JC's hand touches my back.

"Everything okay?"

"My son is coming over."

 

 

"Sit down," says Bono, gesturing at the couch.

I swallow nervously as I look around. It's like he froze the world. JC is in mid-sentence, Joe is laughing at something. Only Bono and I can move. I listen to him and sit.

"Look at the time, David," he says, gesturing at a frozen clock with an unlit cigarette. "Day two is almost over."

The clock says 11:59 and I look at it for a long time. It doesn't move. "What have I changed?" I ask finally. Time seems to have no meaning as I continue to stare at the unmoving clock.

"Well," Bono pulls down a screen from midair and snaps his fingers. "Let's see."

I reach out to touch my son's face, my fingers smoothing over the skin. I marvel at him in a way I haven't since he was a baby.

"David," Bono chides. "Pay attention."

I look back at the screen and at him. He's hunched over an open laptop, one of the new Macs with a built-in projector. I tilt my head to look at the screen.

"Is that PowerPoint?"

"Oh," Bono looks up at the screen. "Yeah. We contract work from Bill Gates. Part of his eternal damnation thing. God makes him leave Hell to do presentations for us and then sends him back."

The first slide that comes up is of Joe. "Your son knowing isn't really an issue. He's not that fond of your wife as it is so he's not going to tell her about JC. As he reminds you when he brings it up, it's not like she cared about and I quote 'you fucking that little Irish guy with the chip on his shoulder.' Have I ever told you how much I dislike your son? I may go haunt him for my own amusement. I didn't have a chip on my shoulder, did I?"

"Maybe a little," I say dismissively, knowing that Bono could easily dwell on that for awhile. "So nothing changes?"

"I didn't say that," Bono moves onto the next slide. It's Iman. "We get to the wife. She's an interesting person, David, because she has a weird outlook on her relationship with you. She's willing to share you with anyone because you always come back to her. Even now when she finds out about JC, ironically the same way she did before. Have I ever told you that was a royally stupid move by the way?"

"Bono," I give him a hard look. "Could we just stick to the topic at hand?"

"Fine, fine," Bono clicks the slide. "This is when she tells you to follow JC and tell him that you love him and it's okay with her for the two of you to stay together." He clicks to the next slide which is of JC and myself on a balcony overlooking New York. "This is when JC tells you that he doesn't want to be the other man."

"So we still breakup," I sigh, seeing the scenes play out before my eyes with lovely little bulleted points that fly in when new things happen. "I haven't changed anything."

"You really jump to conclusions far too quickly," Bono clicks again. "You do breakup with each other but instead of severing ties the two of you stay friends. It's never a romantic relationship again but he ends up becoming one of your closest friends." He clicks to the next slide. "Even joins the group despite Trent's hatred of him. Of course Trent hated me as well so I don't really trust his opinions of people."

I smile at the slide of Bono, Trent, JC, and myself sitting at a bar. I wonder a little if that would be enough.

"Do I still die?"

Bono groans a little and goes back to the main page, looking at all the slides. He clicks on one and I sigh a little when I see a slide of me in a hospital bed just like before.

"You still die. But you die happier without your mistakes with JC eating at your soul," Bono turns off the slide show. "So?"

"No," I say quietly, shaking my head. "I don't want it."

Bono squeezes the bridge of his nose before looking at me again. "It could be the best chance you get, David."

I shake my head again. "I don't want it."

Bono looks at me sadly and waves his hand. Everything disappears and we're back in the bedroom again.

"Give me a few minutes," Bono presses his temples lightly, massaging in small circles. "The concert in New York, right?"

I nod, opening the curtains and gazing at the view into the hospital room. No one is there with me at the moment.

"Can I go see myself?"

Bono looks over at me. "Just climb through the window."

I open the window and climb through. Once I step through everything changes and I hear sounds again. There's a mechanical beep and the whirring of machines as they breath for me.

I slowly walk over to the bed, reaching out to tentatively touch my face. My fingers find no purchase and slip through. I think back to movies like Ghost and climb onto the bed, lying down on my body.

"That doesn't work," Bono says, watching through the window. "Trust me. I tried it."

I sit up again without saying anything and just nod a little. "I'm dying, Bono."

"I know, baby," Bono reaches his hand out to me. "Come back to me."

I look at Bono's hand and reach for it, letting him pull me back into the bedroom. He hugs me close and I let him.

I don't say anything for a long time and neither does he. We lie on the bed and he pets my hair, soothing without words.

"You can stop anytime," Bono murmurs into my hair. "You can stay with me."

I shake my head. "I can't stop."

Bono kisses my hair, his voice sad. "I know."

 

 

Day three begins like it did the first time; rehearsals and last minute changes to the set list, specifically the removal of The Prettiest Star. It's the end of the final rehearsal before tonight's show. Bono had agreed to keep things as they were at the end of day two.

In both timelines, tonight is the night JC and I end our relationship. I plan on changing that.

"There's someone here to see you, Mr. Bowie." Glenn, one of the bodyguards watching the doors, says.

I take a drink of water and motion to him. "Who is it?"

"Josh Chasez and Joseph Fatone," says Glenn, his hand on the door. "Should I let them in?"

"Take five," I say to everyone, kissing Gail's cheek as she walks by. "Let them in."

Glenn does and I sit down on the edge of the stage with a bottle of water. Moments later, JC and Joey come into the club. JC practically bounces over to me, his eyes sparkling and excited.

"Hey, babe," I say quietly, pecking him on the lips. He blushes and smiled. I hold my hand out to Joey. "Hello, Joey."

"Hey, David." Joey clasps my hand with his, shaking it warmly. He's smiling as well, his face open and happy.

"Where are the others?" I had invited everyone including girlfriends but until now I hadn't seen anyone.

"Lance, Chris, Laura, and Michelle are still at the hotel," says Joey. "Justin and Britney had to go shopping. She had nothing to wear tonight. At least that's what I got from the fit she pitched before they left."

I laugh, pulling JC between my legs and wrapping my arms around his waist. He stands easily in the embrace even in front of Joey, his hands resting on my arms and his head tipped onto my shoulder.

"Didn't anyone tell her that typical attire to one of my shows these days is jeans and a T-shirt?"

"You know Britney," And he's right. At this point, I do know Britney pretty well. "She's always got to look perfect." Joey rolls his eyes, leaning against the stage next to us.

"Well as long as she doesn't show up in the same outfit I'm wearing it's fine," I grin and kiss the top of JC's head. "Kelly didn't come?"

I could feel JC tense at the question but Joey just shook his head. "We finally called it quits for good. Enough is enough."

"Ah," I try and play it off a little, reaching over to squeeze Joey's shoulder even though my heart is pounding almost painfully in my chest and I feel like I've been dipped in ice water. I remember now. "Sometimes it's for the best. You still have Brianna right?"

Joey nods emphatically. "We're discussing custody issues. At the moment her life is more stable than mine…"

Bono stands in front of us, wearing all white and looking tired. I turn my attention mostly to him while half-listening to Joey talk.

"Are you feeling that impending sense of doom?" asks Bono. "Joey's single again. JC can be with the person he truly loves. Are you remembering why you sang The Prettiest Star?"

I nod partially to Joey but mostly to Bono. JC is comfortable in my arms and I want this forever. I remember thinking that before and that's why I did it. It was my bid to keep him. I lost the first time. I won't this time.

"Do you see the way JC looks at him?" asks Bono, stopping time again. JC is gazing at Joey, his eyes wide and loving. Joey is smiling back at him just as lovingly. I may be sitting with my arms around JC but I'm not really there.

I duck my head, resting it on JC's shoulder. I feel miserable and I wonder why Bono is doing this to me.

"I need him," I murmur softly. "You don't understand."

Bono tilts my chin up and looks me in the eyes, his sunglasses tilted down. "I understand perfectly."

I nod a little because he does. "I really want him to be happy and I know that he is happy with Joey in the future but…what if he could be happy with me?"

"That's what we're trying to find out," Bono gives me a smile and then snaps his fingers, starting time again. He disappears.

JC turns in my arms and kisses me lightly, his own arms resting on my shoulders. "Do I get to spend tonight with you?"

Joey pretends to be interested in the set list, picking it up and reading it.

I sigh softly and shake my head. "Iman is here," I say but stop myself. Maybe I need to change this conversation. "Actually, yes. We will see each other tonight. I'll come to your room."

"Your wife is here," JC says to me softly, his mouth down turned slightly. "It's okay. You should spend time with her."

"JC," I say quietly, pushing his hair off his forehead and kissing there lightly. "I will see you tonight after the show. I promise."

He smiles a little even though I know he's still a little unsure of that. I try to reassure him with my eyes and touches but he still shifts a little uncomfortably.

"We should go," says Joey gently, touching JC's arm and getting his attention. "Good luck tonight, David."

JC kisses me lightly, his eyes sadder then before. I touch his cheek, cupping it. He smiles at me once more and lets Joey lead him away.

"I just want you to think about something," Bono says to me, appearing out of nowhere. He's good at that. "How do you know that Iman finding out doesn't just give JC an excuse to do what he needs to do?"

I look at Bono with wide eyes before turning and walking away from him.

 

 

The lights go down one more time, our final encore over. I grab the acoustic guitar and walk back onstage, the lights rising just slightly to focus on me sitting on a stool, the guitar on my lap.

I light a cigarette, holding it between my thumb and forefinger, looking out on the crowd. I don't know where JC is and I don't know where my wife is but I'm hoping that they aren't near each other. I want to prevent that if possible.

I exhale, knowing that the smoke is twisting up into the air and mingling with the lights and the background. I smile and finger the guitar lightly.

The crowd is screaming. I just hope that this goes well. I've never done this song before and it took some persuasion on Bono's part to let me do it.

"You can't sing a song that he hasn't written yet," Bono sighs, pressing his fingers to his forehead. "Don't be stupid."

"He has written it," I protest. "He showed it to me a few weeks ago. He just hasn't recorded it yet."

"Don't you think that singing a song your lover wrote might be a hint to your wife?"

"I'm not going to say he's my lover," I roll my eyes. "Just let me do this. It's my life."

"Actually this isn't your life. This is the life I've allowed you to have," Bono snaps at me. "I'm trying to guide you here, David. Stop fighting me so much."

"I thought this was my choice," I look at him, noticing for the first time how pale and drawn he looks.

"It is," Bono closes his eyes. "Don't do this, David."

I strum the guitar, flicking ash from my cigarette. I lean close to the microphone, brushing it with my lips.

"I've never done this song before and it's not one of mine. As a matter of a fact, no one's ever heard it before. Josh, wherever you are out there, I hope I don't muck this up."

The crowd is eerily quiet as I play the first chords, the sound of the acoustic guitar filling the whole room. JC's words are beautiful and haunting and not a sound is heard besides my voice and my guitar for the majority of the song.

When the chorus kicks in again, I hear people singing along finally, a crowd of voices singing JC's words.

"…to be free."

I finish and the lights come down. The crowd is quiet and I wonder if I've made a horrible mistake singing that song. In the darkness onstage, I feel alone.

I pick up my cigarette and my guitar and walk offstage.

 

 

"You amaze me," Bono sighs, settling down on the chair next to me, his feet up the against railing. We are waiting for JC to return from wherever he is.

I laugh and light the cigarette he knocks from his package. He tilts his head in thanks as I light a cigarette myself. It's from a package that was sitting on JC's dresser. I pretend that I don't know they're Joey's. JC doesn't smoke Camels.

"It's been a long time since I've seen you perform," Bono shakes his head. "I'd almost forgotten how amazing you are."

"I'd almost forgotten how much I loved performing," I shrug a little, looking at my watch. Time is quickly ticking down to midnight.

"I've never forgotten," Bono speaks wistfully, looking at the stars. "I miss it so much. I didn't get to perform when I did this."

I look over at him. "What did you pick?"

Bono shakes his head. "I can't tell you. One of the rules," he nudges me, grinning. "Once this is over I can tell you."

I look at my watch again. "Do you know where he is?"

"I'm not going to tell you until the day is over," Bono says, stubbing out his cigarette. "And before you ask again yes I do know where he is and when he's going to be back here. Just don't ask."

"All right," I sigh softly. "Am I doing the right thing?"

"I can't answer that for you. Do you think you're doing the right thing?"

"He really loves Joey a lot," I look at Bono. "We've talked about it. His heart was broken when Joey told him he was going to try and have a real relationship with Kelly."

"He's had time to heal. They're still best friends."

"They're sleeping together."

Bono looks at me in surprise. "Did you know that before?"

I nod slowly. "Yes. I did. It hasn't been that long though."

"Why did you pick today then?" Bono wrinkles his forehead, confused.

"I forgot," I admit quietly. "I didn't remember until we came in and I saw Joey's cigarettes." I gesture at the pack.

"So you know where he is?" Bono asks gently.

I nod quickly. "And I know he's not coming back here tonight," I stand up. "Let's just end the day now."

Bono stands up, walking over to me. The scenery hasn't changed and I'm starting to get angry. Bono touches my shoulder, turning me.

"None of this is real until you make it real. Just remember that. Don't get so angry about it."

"Why not?" I sniffle, feeling tears well up at the utter helplessness of the situation. "No matter what I do I can't change the future the way I want to."

"You've only tried three days," Bono tries to remind me.

"No," I shake my head. "I'm just not meant to have JC."

"David?"

Bono and I both spin around at the sound of JC's voice. This apparently catches Bono by surprise and he disappears, grumbling about a little warning and hell to pay.

I wipe at my eyes, giving him a shaky smile. "Hi."

"I didn't think you'd be here so soon," JC says to me, shifting uncomfortably. I pretend I don't see a mark in the shape of Joey's mouth peeking out from under his collar. "I was hanging out with Joey and Lance."

I nod numbly. He is lying right to my face. I feel cold inside. I want a cigarette.

"You did the song beautifully," JC says softly. "I can't believe you wanted to sing something I wrote. I suck compared to you."

"No you don't," I mumble, my hands clutching the ledge of the balcony. "And you only get better as the years go on."

"What?" JC steps forward.

I hold up my hand, shaking my head. I light a cigarette and turn away. I hear JC shuffle closer and his hand closes around the pack of cigarettes that we both know is Joey's. He doesn't need to lie anymore. I watch as he lights it, sliding closer to me.

"Is there anything you want me to say?" His voice is soft as he asks me.

I shake my head. "I already know."

"I didn't want it to be this way," JC touches my cheek. I turn into the touch. "I love you."

I give him a weak smile. "I love you too. And I do understand."

"Thank you." JC hugs me, resting his head on my shoulder. I rub his back and breath him in, wondering if I can ever make this work. The oranges and vanilla smell of him is hidden by the cigarettes and I feel sick that the smell I'm going to remember on him is cigarette smoke.

"You need to be with the person you love," I pull back and look him in the eye. "Go be with Joey. You have a long life with him ahead of you."

JC's forehead wrinkles slightly at that, the second time I've slipped and said something about the future. I just smile.

The wrinkles soften and JC leans in, kissing me gently, the soft press of his lips making me feel so alone.

"Go be with your wife."

I nod and watch as he leaves. I lean back against the railing and finish my cigarette, waiting for 12 am to roll around again.

 

 

The overview of my life as I've changed it ends up remarkably similar to what Bono described after my second day. We're friends, never together again. I can't make any choices at the moment so I just tell him to wait. Bono does.

I sit in a chair in the corner of the hospital room, watching myself. Iman is visiting and against Bono's better judgement he allowed me to be in the room at the same time.

She's climbed onto the bed with me, her head resting against my shoulder. I watch as I don't move as she strokes my cheek, whispering softly to me. She's crying and I want to touch her, to take away her pain.

But all I can do is curl up in the chair and watch.

I look away when the door opens and of all people, JC walks in.

She sits up but doesn't move away from me. He hugs her close, letting her cry on him, sobbing and clutching at his back with her bitten off fingernails.

JC murmurs softly to her, singing and humming words that make no sense but seem to comfort her nonetheless. They know about my past but it doesn't matter anymore. They need each other.

"David," Bono touches my hair, petting gently. "It's time to pick."

"I want to sleep." I murmur, my head bowing under his touch. I am so exhausted suddenly I can't imagine doing anything else.

"What day?" JC and Iman are sitting on the bed watching me in the bed. It feels surreal now.

I shake my head. "I want to sleep here. I don't want to have to think about anything. I just want to sleep."

"You don't need to sleep," Bono says to me gently. "You don't require it anymore."

"I don't care," I hiss at him. "Take away one of my days if you want to. Maybe I don't require sleep but I want to sleep. I have to sleep."

Bono takes me back to the bedroom without another word. He shuts the curtain, making the hospital room disappear. I sink to the bed, boneless.

"Sleep now." Bono says, pressing his hand to my forehead.

I sleep.

 

 

The coffee is sweet and hot and just plain good. I smile a little sheepishly at Bono as I drink it, glad that he knows me well enough to be able to make coffee the way I like it.

He's drinking tea instead, a holdover from so much time spent with Adam who is an obsessive tea drinker. I used to joke that the Brit in Adam showed through in his beverage choices.

Of course Adam never really liked me once Bono and I started sleeping together so he didn't ever laugh. I wonder idly how he and the others are doing. After Bono's death all ties with them were severed. Occasionally I hear information from Ali because she's still friends with Iman.

"So what are you thinking about?" asks Bono, setting his teacup down and reaching for a piece of toast.

"How I used to tease Adam about drinking so much tea," I smile and shrug a little. "I was watching you drink your tea and thinking about that."

"God that used to raise his hackles," Bono laughs. "I think it was mostly because it was you doing it to him."

I nod. "I figured that much. Do you ever check on them?"

Bono looks down at his tea, shaking his head mutely. His shoulders slump and I can feel palpable pain in the air.

"Why not?"

He looks over at me. "Because I'm not allowed. Let's not talk about this."

"Okay," I say softly, the moment uncomfortable. I wonder if before I make my final choice if Bono will tell me all of the rules that come along with being dead. I'm almost afraid to ask.

"Do you know where you want to go next?"

I look over at him and shake my head. "Am I allowed to find out what it would be like if I never had him in my life at all?"

"If that's what you want…" Bono trails off. "What are you going to do?"

"I don't know." I shrug and finish my coffee, reaching over to pour myself another cup. "I guess I'll find out later."

"I just want you to remember that you had a major influence in his life," Bono says cautiously. "Maybe he won't become a solo musician without you there to encourage him. Maybe your daughters won't be friends. Just think about everything you would be changing."

"I don't have to keep that future," I say to him softly. "I just want to know. Maybe I was never meant to have him at all. Maybe the whole relationship threw off both of our lives forever."

"David…" Bono sighs and looks down. "Okay. We can do it. Finish breakfast and we'll go back to the party."

"Thank you," I say gently, leaning over to kiss him lightly. "I'm glad you're here."

Bono smiles a little wryly. "You picked me. You only have yourself to thank."

"What?" Bono shakes his head and drinks his tea.

 

 

This is the third time I've actually been at this party and it doesn't get any better. It's still boring and long and slow. I still didn't really want to be here on general principle but I was here with a purpose this time.

I am here to make myself into the biggest asshole on Earth so JC Chasez never has an urge to spend time with me ever again.

I watch Justin nudge JC, gesturing towards me. JC brushes his hand through his floppy hair and blushes, shaking his head. I know Justin will convince him to talk to me and I strengthen my resolve.

"We don't have to do this," Bono says quietly. "We can stop this now. I won't even count it as a day."

I shake my head, bringing the cigarette up to my lips to hide my words. "I need to know."

And JC starts to move in my direction and for the first time, I notice that Joey is watching JC walk across the room while Kelly keeps her hand on his arm possessively. Bono's breath is soft against my cheek as he leans in to kiss me gently before fading away.

"In Cygnet Committee, you use descending thirds. I think that was a fantastic choice for that song and I really love that you had the balls to do that when no one was doing that."

I look at JC as disdainfully as possible, barely acknowledging what he says. I just nod a little.

"I…you're one of my…I mean," JC shifts, tongue-tied and I want to rescue him, reach out and pluck the words from his mouth for him but I don't. "I love your work."

"Thank you," I say dryly, my gaze wandering the room never landing on JC because if I look at him I won't be able to continue.

"I'm Josh...JC. Chasez. JC Chasez. From Nsync?" He leaves it as a question and I'm already kicking myself because I'm going to have to insult him and his music.

"Are you sure?" I smirk a little and JC turns a deep red. He nods quickly. "Hmm…so you're one of them."

'Them' drips from my mouth, the meaning obvious to anyone even JC who sometimes misses the obvious like Joey's eyes on him from across the room.

I see confusion flash across JC's face and his nervous stutter deepens when he tries to speak again. He stops himself and takes a deep breath.

"I…I just wanted to tell you," Another deep breath. "That I admire your work and all you've done for music over the years."

I mentally curse the fact that JC, even when someone is a jerk to him, remains polite to a fault.

"Great. Thanks," I see Iman across the room and I know I need to make my mistake. "Excuse me."

And before he can say anything I walk away, leaving him alone. I wrap an arm around Iman's waist and kiss her shoulder. JC is still standing where I left him the hurt obvious on his face. I watch as Justin makes a beeline for him, his own expression angry.

"Way to kick his puppy," Bono says. "Justin's going to tell you off. Might as well head outside so it doesn't have to be in public. He's not going to shy away from making a scene."

I excuse myself, heading out back with Bono following me. My heart is aching and Bono's firm hand on my back isn't a comfort.

Justin appears a moment later, his face stormy. He always has been and always will be protective of JC and I'm willing to face his wrath.

"Did that make you feel good?" Justin asks me, backing me to the railing of the balcony.

I play it cool and light another cigarette. "Pardon me?"

"He adores your music," Justin steps closer to me. "All you had to do was act polite for five minutes and let him fulfill a dream, an obviously stupid dream now, to meet you. But instead you decided to be an asshole about it and hurt him. Well fuck you."

I exhale slowly. "Are you done?"

Justin's nostrils flare and I remember the one time I saw him get in a fight and know what is coming a split second before it happens and his fist connects with my jaw and I crumple at the force behind it.

JC appears out of nowhere; he must have been watching. He grabs Justin's arm, keeping him from hitting me again. There's a metallic taste in my mouth and I tongue a cut in my lip that's bleeding. I welcome the pain.

"Justin. Oh god, Justin. You. I can't. Why?" JC's words stumble all over themselves and he practically squeaks with fear and shame. "You hit him. Oh god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

His hands flutter against my face, tilting it up. This isn't the first punch I've taken but it's the first in a long time. I mistakenly meet his eyes and am caught in the blue. I want to kiss him.

JC wipes blood from my face with his sleeve, not caring that he's wearing silk, and I close my eyes at the smell of him, oranges and vanilla overwhelming me.

"'M fine," I mumble. "Fine." I try to shrug him off without any luck. He clings to me, trying to soothe away the pain which only makes it worse.

"Do you want me to stop this?" Bono asks, reappearing out of nowhere. I hear more voices around me and JC's hands are still on me and I don't know where I am or what's going on.

I feel some sort of sick humour that I'll make the news tonight because Justin Timberlake punched me. I wonder if album sales will increase because I've been in a fight with a pop star.

I lift my head and meet JC's eyes once more, let myself get lost in his eyes and pray that maybe, just maybe he understands that I didn't mean for this to happen.

"Yes," I gasp out when the balcony is swarmed with people and I can't even see Bono anymore. "Get me out of here, Bono."

Everything disappears and I fall to the ground, hitting hard without JC there to support me.

There's still the taste of blood in my mouth but the wound is gone. I wonder how real everything is and I lift my head in search of Bono.

He's not around.

I'm alone and stuck in this cold, bleak, white world of nothingness.

I want to cry.

 

 

"I'm sorry," Bono explains, saying there was a problem with their systems and lost me in the transition. He promises that it won't happen again.

I rub my hands over my arms, trying to pretend that I wasn't as scared as I really had been. I nod a little and play it cool.

"It was very alone there," I say nonchalantly.

He nods and wraps his arms around me welcomingly. "We usually don't let people there alone. You're not supposed to be there alone. It's just a waiting room."

I cling to him, my breathing finally slowing. "Let's not have that happen again."

"It won't," Bono promises, rocking me a little. "You did it, you know."

"Did what?" I nuzzle Bono's shoulder, closing my eyes.

"You kept JC in this lifetime," Bono says softly. "You changed the future to one where you and JC are together. He doesn't marry Joey."

I sit up quickly. "Why aren't I there?"

"You have to decide whether you want it or not," Bono says calmly. "I'm not allowed to let you stay until I tell you what happens."

"I don't care. I'm not dead, right?"

Bono shakes his head. "No. You're not dead."

"Then let's go," I stand up. "Put me back into that life. Let me be with JC."

"Wait," Bono grabs my arm. "Please let me tell you before you decide. It's not pretty, David."

I sit back down slowly. "Not pretty?"

"You get JC," Bono lets go of my arm. "But that's all you end up getting. You don't get together until the show in New York and Iman finds out almost immediately because Justin, who hates you more than you want to know, tells her. She leaves you and she takes Alex with her. She gets custody without a problem and you never get to see your daughter besides holidays again. Nsync even breaks up because of the animosity between Justin and JC."

I look at my hands, at the wedding band on my hand. I touch it lightly. Bono just goes on, the projector and laptop back as he flips through slides.

"You and I are over soon after you get together with JC," he says softly. "JC doesn't like our relationship and he ends up hating me. You pick him over me. You pick him over everything. You stop writing songs and end up basically managing his career."

"He still has his career?"

Bono frowns a little. "If you want to call it that. He never makes it big again. He never realizes his talent in this life."

"Oh," I say softly, still looking at my hands. "Are we happy?"

Bono flips a slide and I see a picture of JC and myself sitting at a dining room table across from each other. Neither of us are smiling and we barely seem to notice the other person.

"You tell me." Bono says to me, his voice sad.

"So I lose everyone I love," I say slowly. "And end up in a relationship with someone who can't stand me and I can't stand?"

Bono nods.

"This has got to be some kind of joke," I sigh, covering my eyes with my hand. "I get what I want and it's a nightmare."

"We didn't know what was going to happen," says Bono gently, his hand on my back. I feel like crying. "We had to try."

"I don't want it," I say, my voice catching in my throat. "I don't want that future. Why would I want to wake up next to JC if we hate each other?"

"Okay," Bono rubs my back. "It's gone. That never happened."

I look up at him and nod. "All right. Let's keep going. Two more days, right?"

Bono nods. "Two more days."

 

 

JC gasps a little when he sees me standing in the middle of his hotel room. His mouth is open and he's making small, squeaky noises of surprise. Chris laughs behind him and just pushes him inside, saluting me before shutting the door.

"How? You? But…" JC finally gives in and squeals, running over to hug me. "You're here." His voice is full of relief.

I hug him back, kissing the side of his head lightly. "I missed you so I decided to come see you."

"I'm so glad," JC tilts his head up and kisses me deeply. This was something I decided to try. This day hadn't happened before but I decided that I needed to do something that wasn't based on a day I remember. I need something fresh myself.

I run my fingers through his hair and pull back a little. "I brought you flowers from the garden."

JC blushes and turns his head to look at the bouquet of flowers on the bedside table. He's always loved the garden from the first time I took him to the house in New York when he sat out back in a straw hat and cutoff shorts weeding for me because it was so pretty. At least that's what he said. I didn't mind seeing him half-naked and sweaty in my backyard.

His palms are flat against my sides and I lean close, my head resting on his shoulder. He moves closer and his hands slide to my back, under my shirt. I shudder at the light touch, warm and gentle.

"How long are you here for?" asks JC, pulling away and taking my hand, tangling our fingers together.

"Just for today," I say it honestly because I am only here for today. "I really wanted to see you."

"Did Chris know?" JC leads me over to the bed, smiling the whole time.

I grin and nod, following him. "I called Chris last night at about 2am. He called me a whole bunch of nasty names but agreed to get me a key to your room. He said that you've been mopey lately."

JC turns and pushes me on the bed, climbing on top of me. His hands slid under my shirt and he rests his hands, palms down, against my stomach.

"I missed my boyfriend," JC smiles, his lips against my neck. "I miss you when you're not here."

"I'm your boyfriend now?" I smirk a little as he unbuttons my pants, toeing my shoes off with his own feet.

"Aren't you?" JC pauses, looking at me.

"I prefer lover," I say, smiling and pulling him to me again. "Boyfriend makes me feel like I'm a twelve year old trying to get Marcie Hopkins to kiss me behind the school."

"Well you're not twelve," JC giggles, licking at my jaw teasingly. "And I'm definitely not Marcie Hopkins. I can be your lover though."

"I'm glad," I smile with my lips against his. "Less talk, more sex."

JC laughs and strips me of my clothes, throwing his aside as well. I smell popcorn and lift my head a little. Bono is sitting in a chair, tossing popcorn into his mouth. He gives me the thumbs up. I almost laugh because the last time JC and I had sex he got all pissy.

"Do you smell popcorn?" JC murmurs in my ear.

 

 

JC decides to order in food for everyone, catering to the fact Justin is going through a vegetarian phase which usually lasts as long as it takes for Chris to sit on him and shove a hamburger into his mouth while proclaiming that he is king of the cow.

JC and I decide that we want to have an inside evening where we can touch and kiss and act like we're together. The guys, instead of taking off, decide to stick around as well.

Like any good friends, they tell embarrassing stories about JC to me. I just laugh and pat JC's thigh to let him know that it's okay and everyone at some point whether they acknowledge it or not thinks about their mother during an orgasm. Most of them don't freak out and run to one of their best friends still naked after it happens though.

"Enough," JC laughs, bright red. "No more telling embarrassing stories about JC."

"But it's fuuuuun," Chris bounces, his arm around Lance's neck, holding onto his shoulder possessively. I don't ask questions about that. I never did even when they showed up at JC's wedding together. "You blush so pretty."

"If you don't stop I won't let you hang out with David anymore," JC mock-threatens which makes everyone laugh. "I'll keep him all to myself."

He wraps his arms around my neck and presses his nose to my cheek before kissing it wetly.

"My super-famous rock star boyfriend. You get your own." He proceeds to do the mature thing and sticks his tongue out at Chris who howls and leaps on top of JC, tickling him mercilessly.

I move away from them, letting them get their energy out. Justin is on the phone with Britney in another room and I'm left with Joey and Lance, both of whom I'm not that comfortable with. There was a reason I called Chris to help me out even though he's not the best at keeping secrets.

"Oh he'll sleep tonight," Lance chuckles, looking at Chris as he rolls around on the floor with JC, holding down his arms and bouncing on him. "So will JC. If you let him."

Lance's wink puts me off a little and I just chuckle. "I'm sure he will."

The world flickers oddly and everyone seems to blink off and on for a moment and white walls are visible. I look around and can't see anything different. Bono is still sitting off to the side enjoying a steak and a cigarette. He doesn't seem to notice anything so I guess it is just me imagining things.

Joey sniffs the air, his forehead wrinkling a little. "Does anyone else smell cigarette smoke?"

Bono's head shoots up at that, the cigarette between his lips.

"I smell it," says Lance. "Hey, Justin! You smoking in there?"

"No!" Justin hollers back from the other room, slightly breathless. "Leave me alone."

Joey sits back and shrugs. "Must be my imagination."

I hear JC squeal and shout about Chris' knee being in his crotch and I stand up shakily. Something is wrong and I can't seem to catch my breath. Bono is already up and moving, pointing to the bathroom.

"Excuse me," I say, walking unsteadily out of the room and into the bathroom. I shut the door behind me and turn on the cold water, letting it run before splashing it against my face.

"That's the second time," says Bono angrily, holding his hand to his ear as he talks to someone. I don't know who and I've never seen him talk to his bosses, I guess, before. "Fix whatever the hell is going on down here. Yes. Popcorn and cigarette smoke. The next thing we know they'll be seeing me."

I lean against the sink, my head down. The world is spinning and it starts to flash again. I look into the mirror and see a skeleton looking back at me. I yelp and turn, bumping into Bono who's done talking. He grabs my biceps and holds me.

"Relax. Just breath slowly. This will pass," Bono's voice is calm and soothing and I start to breath slower. "It happens on occasion; the barrier between the worlds becomes a little muted and things pass through."

"Will it stop?" I look at him, my eyes clouded over. He slaps my cheek a little.

"David. Look me in the eye."

I manage to focus and look him in the eye. He nods. "Good. This will all even itself out very, very soon. Just go back out there and act normally."

I nod a little and he pecks my lips. "Go."

JC is on the couch and I slide next to him, his arm coming over my shoulders and holding me close. I close my eyes briefly and will the world to stop spinning. When I open my eyes it's stopped and everyone is normal again.

Justin's still gone and Joey, Chris, and Lance are already engaged in an argument about who is going to call Britney's assistant Felicia and beg her to tell Britney she needs to get off the phone so they can have Justin back.

"Are you all right?" asks JC softly, nuzzling my cheek.

I nod and smile, kissing him gently. When my lips touch his everything gets cold and the world fades away before my eyes. I pull back and JC is almost frozen in front of me. No one else is moving and the world is flickering in and out and the only constant is me and the cold.

I try to scream but I can't and JC opens his mouth to say something and I can't follow it.

"It's ending," Bono shouts from somewhere but he sounds far away. "I can't stop this!"

I force myself to talk and I manage to lift my hand to touch JC's cheek. He turns into it, the whole action taking forever.

"I tried to fix it," I say to him. "I always love you. Always. Remember that."

Before he can answer me the world disappears completely and I black out, the cold overtaking me.

 

 

I wake up to nothing. I'm lying on the ground but there is no ground. It's just me and nothing. Bono sits next to me, his eyes sad, the sunglasses long gone.

"It wasn't supposed to end this way," I murmur, my lips dry and cracking. I swipe my tongue across them but it doesn't help. "I feel dead."

"You are dead," Bono says to me, looking away. "I'm sorry."

"But…I didn't get to finish," I feel tears on my cheeks but I don't know if they're mine or not. I assume they are. "I didn't get JC."

"They promised me seven days," Bono looks back, almost angry. "I should have known what was happening when the barriers were shifting. I should have done something."

"Can't I choose now?" I ask desperately. "I want to choose now."

"You're dead," Bono says again, his voice anguished. "I can't put you back now because once your body is dead…you can't go back."

"But you…" I let out a sob. "No…I. No."

I start to cry, not caring anymore. I was offered the future and just had it taken away from me.

Bono wraps his arms around me tightly. "I'm sorry," he murmurs over and over again. "I'm so sorry."

I cry for a long time, not knowing what else to do. I'm so angry at the same time and I can't believe that this happened to me.

"You promised me," I finally say, lifting my head and looking at Bono. "You said I would get to pick. I didn't get to pick."

"You weren't supposed to die," Bono points out. "I only do what I'm told. I don't know everything. I'm not God!"

"Yeah," I push him away. "God wouldn't have fucked this up!"

Bono is quiet and he just stands up. I don't move.

"I loved him so much," I whisper, feeling defeated now. "I just wanted him with me forever."

"You loved him," says Bono gently. "I know that. But sometimes…we don't get what we want. Life isn't always fair."

I look up at him and for the first time I see the pain in Bono's eyes. I can't remember the last time I saw him without pain in his eyes, alive or dead. I feel guilty for getting angry at him and look away, my eyes focusing on nothing because there is nothing to look at.

"I didn't choose to do this for you," Bono says. "You picked me. You were given a choice when you fell into the coma and you said my name. You could have picked anyone, alive or dead, and you chose me. I never wanted this."

"I know that," I stand up, walking towards him. He steps back out of reach. "You never liked him."

"He hurt you," Bono's eyes are downcast, refusing to look at me. "Over and over again. Why would I want to help you stay with him?"

"But you did."

Bono finally looks at me. "It was my job."

I step closer again and he doesn't move away. I reach out to touch him, feeling for the first time the coldness that surrounds him.

"What did you pick to change?"

"I didn't get a chance to," Bono closes his eyes, turning his cheek into my hand. "I died right away."

"I thought you said…" I stop, realizing that Bono lied to me earlier to keep me calm. "Never mind. It's not important."

"I'm not supposed to talk about me," Bono says, stepping closer to me now. "Just like you won't be able to talk about yourself when you get to do this."

"Can I control things now?" I look around, wishing for something else.

"No," Bono chuckles. "I can though. What do you want?"

"Let's go back to the bedroom."

There is a flash and the bedroom is back as warm and comforting as ever. I let out a sigh of relief and go over to the curtains, pulling them back. There's nothing there now, just darkness.

I sigh a little and let the curtains fall again.

"So this is what forever is?" I look over at Bono.

"Forever is what you make of it," Bono smiles softly. "You have a job to do once you go through training."

"What's my job?" I sit down next to Bono, the bed giving slightly underneath me.

Bono snaps his fingers and the screen comes down again. It plays what looks like a home movie, black and white and shaky. I see JC, Joey, and Brianna in the kitchen of their home in New York. They're eating dinner together and Joey leans over and pecks the corner of JC's mouth.

I lie back on the pillows; Bono curls around me, his arm slung over my waist as we watch the screen.

I smile softly, comfortable in Bono's embrace. His breath is warm against my neck and he strokes my stomach gently. JC laughs on the screen, his smile wide, crinkling his eyes.

I understand.