Archive of Our Own

Family. 

The word itself still seemed so foreign to you, even more so when it was spoken in a language that wasn’t your own. It was the word you heard being passed around, back and forth between the stories you heard during your travels, and spoken between those you had met. A word that felt familiar, yet the desire of it slipped so hopelessly off your tongue.

You hadn’t been alone forever, you know that now. While, throughout the greater past you had believed that was the case, you now knew otherwise. There was once a family to care for you, pass on their traditions, teach you how to live and grow, however selfishly you must have decided to give all that up.

Because what other reason would there be for you washing up in Vaugarde as a child?  

There was a moment once — while you had been stuck in the loops — when you and Loop were discussing your (at the time unknown shared) past. They mentioned how you said something about running away after some pointless argument, throwing yourself on your boat and rowing away. It was something you said early enough in the loops and just that once. Trying to recall it, your head ached and you decided it wasn’t worth the pain to remember. 

It is something you remembered at that point so confidently and clearly to tell your party, so causally and so forgetful.

And why would you do that? What had been so major enough that had caused the innocence of your memory to slip away so easily?

At the time, as Loop recalled the simple slip up of your mind, their eyes seemed desperate for you to remember more, to grasp onto something in the depths of thought which would give the two of you some context, but your mind seemed empty. 

(You still don’t know if what they said was true.) 

Yet as of late, you have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out the meaning of family, and what it is that fully defines it. Mirabelle had been naming your little group as a family since the moment you all fought The King, and for some reason, her doing so didn’t make you feel the way you expected it to. Bonnie clung to you as if you were their own sibling, basically claiming you as one. Odile, though pushing away the 'motherly' title, wouldn't refuse the thought of acting as a family. Isabeau had been all for it from the beginning, preferring the laid back atmosphere you all brought compared to the complex one his own family had brought. 

However, where you'd desperately craved any aspect of a family in the past, a group of people you could call your own, selfishly keeping them to yourself, now you felt anything but and almost despised the thought of one. It was a stubborn mixture of greed and grief which rested within your heart. Desperate, you tried your best to shove that all aside for the sake of the ones who loved you now, the ones who would be there for your needs. 

But what of those who had been in your past? 

You knew every time your mind would flicker to the thought, that you were clearly being too self-centered. 

You couldn't remember who was in the past, and you would likely never remember them. They were gone, scattered across the sky like a speck of stardust in the night. While you could live with that, while you had been living with that fact, the idea still kept you up at night. Because what had they thought, and did they think of you still?

Did they remember you?

Gutrenchinly, you hope they didn't. Pleaded to the Universe they didn’t. If this is how it felt when you hadn't an ounce of memory of what they were or what they were like, you didn't want to imagine how it could have been if they did remember you.

"What was your family like ‘Frin?" Bonnie had asked you, innocence and genuine interest intertwined between their words. 

"Overly doting and protective. Makes sense since I was always getting in trouble." The response was quick and natural out of your mouth, you almost didn't even realize you said it. 

"What? Getting in trouble? Our Siffrin?" Odile playfully said, and you rolled your eyes before continuing to whittle with the wood in your hands, carefully digging the knife into the brittle chunk of log. 

"I remember I would always want to climb the trees and get closer to the stars, so I naturally was always falling out of them." You responded. “My father was always so mad when I came back home with scraped up knees. I knew I wasn’t supposed to, but I did it anyway.”

"Why did you want to get closer to the stars?" Isabeau asked, his head twisting curiously towards you. 

"I wanted-" Your mind paused, the knife in your hand slipping past the wood and kicking your knuckle. "I wanted...." 

"Wanted what?" Mirabelle spoke, her voice soft and cautious. Rather than replying, you let yourself look down to where the knife grazed your finger, trying to decide if your glove managed to protect your hand from actually getting hurt.

"Siffrin." Odile said, her voice sharp. 

"It's fine." You mumbled, keeping your head down to avoid the gazes of your party. "It doesn't matter." 

"Siffrin..." You heard Isabeau, and you barely glanced up long enough to catch his eyes. 

"It doesn't matter." You said again, louder. The words hissed sharply through your teeth, and you took note of how your party collectively shrunk into themselves. 

You thought the thing that annoyed you the most is how it was happening more often, and this time you realized it was happening. Your family realized why it was happening. In the past, it would be brushed off, and everyone would move on with their lives.

'It's just Siffrin being forgetful again!'

That was the scenario you preferred, and you would have preferred if it stayed that way. As such, you didn't have to have those awkward conversations with your friends. You didn't have to worry about being bombarded with questions looking for answers they knew you didn't have, questions that no longer could have answers. Now, they knew it was because your home was gone.

Not just from yourself, but from everyone. 

There was no going back. 

Which you were fine with!

(Probably.)

You had evidently come to that conclusion early on in the loops, even early on in your life. However, where beforehand you didn't fully have those answers, you could at least keep that definite constant in the future. You were okay with that!

So why did it annoy you every single time someone mentioned it?

The goal originally while traveling was to just avoid towns in general, favoring sticking with the back ways to Bambouche to avoid people bombarding you. However, after Mirabelle and Odile spoke more about it, you all wanted to discuss with town leaders what else you all could do to further aid those who needed it. Help those who had been separated from family, as well as make sure any remaining sadness had been taken care of. Especially since you all were staying together as a party and could easily help others together. 

In these moments, it was when you realized what the most exhausting part of after loops was. 

It wasn't traveling while your body still fought against you.

It wasn’t the fact that your family still gave you wary glances and cautious gestures. The way your stomach never seemed full or that your body never felt rested.

It definitely wasn’t the nightmares or memories that plagued your sleep every night. 

You were sure, it was the fact that every town that had a House of Change insisted upon some sort of celebration for the saviors. 

And as a savior, it was utterly exhausting. 

However, it was something that surprisingly made Mirabelle seem more at ease. It gave Isabeau a chance to open up and advocate about how important it was to help those around you. Bonnie naturally loved the attention and praise that was given to them for being the youngest savior, the comments with how impressive they had been giving them enough ego for the rest of their life. 

You and Odile on the other side….

For you, it was a constant mockery of the very same god that thought so lowly of yourself and your culture. The god that basically bragged to you that they knew how the loops would end, but continued to let yourself and your family suffer through them for their own entertainment. The constant pain you felt knowing how easily they could dismiss you and your beliefs based purely on the fact that it was so powerful it destroyed itself and its entire existence. 

But you were fine! 

You were great at pretending you were okay! 

Especially if it meant the rest of your family was getting an opportunity to enjoy themselves after stressing over you for so long. You could handle the constant dotting over by Housemaiden’s, and the occasional comments about your appearance from the students in The House.  

You’d been doing good at pretending to be okay. Surprisingly so, especially when so many people had been wanting to know about every. Single. Aspect. Of your entire journey. How you’d ended up joining, how you felt about the rest of your party, your feelings about losing your eye. 

Why you were so sick after you all killed The King. 

(How did that news even spread so fast!?!)

(It was only a few days too. Not that bad)

Thank the stars Odile had been watching you like a hawk though! 

(She would always watch you now.)

She was always quick to shoo the questions off, quick on her feet with her responses, ensuring that you were in a decent enough mindstate to continue with meetings. When someone would tread too deeply into the more sensitive topics, she would flip it on them and cause them to laugh anxiously and awkwardly before backing off and asking something less pressing. It was a good system and it worked, and you had been doing great without breaking too much.  

Until — 

“So why do you talk so weirdly?” One child had asked, no older than seven, and you nearly spit the juice you had been drinking out all over the table. Odile sidewardly glanced your way, and you messily wiped your mouth with the inside of your cloak.

At that point, you had only been a few towns away from Bambouche, from finally reuniting Bonnie with their sister. Some forgettable town that you’d already forgotten the name of, with more people who wouldn’t leave you alone and drowned you with presents and prizes. People who had the same stories, the same thoughts and reactions. Nothing new or exciting, just more of repeating the same things over and over again. 

(As if you hadn’t gotten enough of that already.)

Next to you, the mother had scolded her, reminded the girl to be nice to those around her, and you could feel not only Odile’s nasty gaze upon them, but this time Isabeau’s. Isabeau opened his mouth quickly to say something, but you’d gotten the chance to recover fast enough to respond instead, lightly smacking his arm to keep him from talking. 

“I’m just not from Vaugarde. Nothing exciting.” Naturally, you put on your best pretend face, a fake smile painted along with it. Isabeau glanced at you, and Odile’s fingers tapped on the table in annoyance. 

“Is that why you look weird too?” The child asked, and your face shifted to show your mild discomfort. 

“Manon!” The mother scolded, and lightly smacked the back of her head. 

“What!? Everyone talks about how weird they are, I want to know.” 

“Weird?” You whisper to yourself. 

Beside you, Odile’s hands harshly grip onto the edge of the table, and you turned just in time to see Isabeau’s face shift. You opened your mouth to calm them, trying your best not to make too much of a scene while Mirabelle seemed to be enjoying herself for the first time in a while. 

It wouldn’t be fair to her. 

“What’s so weird about them?” Odile’s voice snapped, and the eyes of the child’s mother widened in dismay. Her hands shot up in defense, waving in front of her. 

“Nothing is weird! Manon is just silly and is probably making up stories again.” Her voice laced with franticness, and you watched as the little girl’s eyes twisted in confusion. 

“Nuh uh! Josephine and I heard you and her papa talking about how the traveler must have been one of those islanders. And how it was weird that someone who looked so much like The King would help fight him.” The child rambled on, and you felt an unsteadiness drifting into your mind.    

Oh!

Had people been connecting that? 

Should you be concerned about that correlation?

Of course, you’d also checked off all the criteria which matched The King. 

Weird accent. 

Weird clothes. 

Absolutely horrible memory.

All the same reasons you had originally colored your hair lightless and did your best to learn things from others cultures. It was your way of adapting to a world that not only didn’t recognize you, but in a world where you were unable to recognize yourself. Things like this have been something you have quite literally been having to face for as long as you could remember, which is why you were so lost as to why it suddenly stung so much more than it had before. It was far from being a new experience, yet the way your hands shook under your cloak, and the feeling of your eye stinging came as a shock. 

"You okay?" Isabeau asked, his shoulder bumping slightly into yours.

"Huh?" You asked, glancing over to where the mother and her kid had been.

"Odile is having a..... nice talk with her." Isabeau gave you the answer before you even had a chance to ask.

"Do you think people are nervous that I look like The King?" You mindlessly asked, sidewardly glancing back to him.

"I don't think it matters what they think. I am sure people gossip about all of us, in good and bad ways." He said.

"You think?"

"Yeah! Did you know the housemaidens here thought Mirabelle and I were dating?"

"What, no way! How did you hear that?" You exclaimed, ultimately ignoring the previous conversation. That seemed like the better option anyways, and it wasn't worth fretting over.

In the grand scheme of everything that had seemingly been going wrong in your life however, at least you’d come to the realization that you weren’t alone in the small prejudices that had found their way to you. Sure, they happened to you more often, but you had someone to help you in these circumstances.

Odile, while having slight Vaugardian laced in her background, had still been born and raised with all the ideals of one who was Ka Buan. Her father had done his best to let her be knowledgeable on Vaugarde and its people, its history, yet she was still foreign in everything but blood. Her mannerisms, her skepticism, and most importantly the faintest accent she herself had when she spoke the language. 

Yet for her it was different. 

Unlike your own culture, hers was known.

Despite Ka Bue being on the other side of the world, there was still centuries of history and knowledge to be shared in classrooms, which was something you could not share. Where the questions you were always asked had been bluntly asked in little faith and confusion, the ones people asked her were often genuine curiosity and interest, all of which Odile gladly answered. 

She was happy she could share her Ka Buen culture. 

You were happy that she had the opportunity to. 

Yet it still stung that it was something that you yourself couldn’t and likely would never have an opportunity to fully answer, which made the looks of hesitance that others sting even more so. 

“So like, in Ka Bue you guys have emotions as gods or something?” Someone had asked, and you rolled your eyes.

Another town, another group of people to ask the same questions you all had answered a billion times over.

“Close. The deities we refer to are called ‘Expressions’. There are thousands of them, however we typically only hold worship to whichever we need at the time.” Odile responded, casually spinning on some type of wine. 

“Thousands?” One of the other girls said, her light curly hair bouncing upwards as she did. “How do you keep track of them all?”

“It’s fairly easy when you grow up around them. Even if you don’t worship them religiously. Unknowingly, you all still acknowledge expressions in your day to day life from an emotional standpoint.”

“An expression is basically just the act or concept of feeling an emotion right? And when you need something, you pray to that concept? Like, if you need to pass a test, would you pray to the expression of studying or something?” The shy one asked, their dark eyes deep in thought.  This caused Odile to smile fondly in response, a slight nod to her head as she glanced at those around her. 

“You’d more likely pray to the specific subject you needed. For example, if you needed to pass a math class, you’d pray to the Expression of Mathematics. I primarily frequent the Expression of Search or the Expression of Writing.” Odile replied   

“I see.” The shy one whispered to themself, their wide eyes lighting up in a new found interest. 

“They are basically emotions then.” The brash Housemaiden asked, and Odile did not hesitate to hide the exasperation painted upon her face. Her arms crossed, and her fingers drummed on her arm for a moment before she eventually sighed

. 

“Emotions and expressions in concept are similar, yes, but there are differences. In the end however, we worship Expressions, not emotions.”

“Oh I think I get it. I thought you just got the words mixed up since you’re not Vaugardian. Like a language barrier or something.”  Some other Housemaiden exclaimed, before munching down on whatever pastry it was she had in her hand. “Happens a lot with the researchers who come here. It’s whatever though.” 

And that’s when Odile’s face shifted, her normally plain and hard to read expression flashed briefly into one you hadn’t seen often from her. Before you actually could get a good look, she shook her head, shrugged her shoulders, and sighed. 

“Yes. It’s fine. Simple mistake.” Was all she said, before she excused herself elsewhere. You’d almost reached out to her, almost left to go with her, but there was an ounce of common sense telling you to let her have some time to herself. 

It’s what she normally would have wanted with those situations. 

(Right?) 

You’d know that’s what you would want, had it been you in that situation, and stars had it been you in that situation thousands of times over. It’s always the same and yet Odile somehow managed to make nothing of it, to brush it off as if it didn’t matter to her. Obviously it did, because you saw how her mood changed and morphed into a dormant shell of her personality for that split moment. Even though it wasn’t you this time, it bothered you. 

Why didn’t she say something? 

Odile would have been the one to do it too, she would have been the one to mock them back, make some snarky comment in response yet she bit her tongue instead. 

It was weird. 

“I don’t think it’s the same. They seem different to me.” You suddenly found yourself saying. Odile shot her head towards you, disbelief scattered across her features. Yet you knew the look you had beat her own, because why did you say that?

“What?” The housemaiden seemed stunned, and you frantically let a response pour out of your mouth. 

“I just think it’s a little unkind to be so brash about it. Odile knows the language fine enough, why would you assume she just mixed the words up?”

Way to go Siffrin! A great way to make everyone around you dislike you even more. 

“Well it’s common isn’t it?” Some other girl asked, and you felt your eye squint. “Don’t you do the same?”

“What do you mean?” 

“Don’t you ever get words mixed up sometimes?” She reiterated, and you fought the urge to obnoxiously roll your eye. 

(Yes.) 

(But who didn’t forget words? Even in the language they were born with?)

“No!” You continued to defend yourself. “I’ve spoken Vaugardian much longer than I had my own language. I know other languages too, but that doesn’t mean I constantly mix them up.”

(You do sometimes.)

Though the earlier statement was true. 

Even up to this point, while your native language would now often cross your mind, while you could now read and comprehend the words written by your ancestors, it hadn’t been the case for years. You washed up on the shores of Vaugarde more than a decade ago, and it hadn’t been the first language you’d learned after you lost your own. The words still mixed in your voice however it hadn’t been yours in years. 

“I don’t think it’s a big deal really.” She declared, crossing her arms as she donned a pouting expression upon her face. 

“It’s important to appreciate others, even if it seems weird to you. You wouldn’t want them to say our beliefs are weird, would you?” The shy one mumbled, their voice sounding a tad more confident than it had before. 

Even though you had been trying to get that point across, it took hearing it from her friend for it to fully process it in her head. The mean rude housemaiden took a moment to ponder what the shy one had said, her gaze darting between yourself and Odile, before she eventually sighed in defeat. 

“I guess not. Sorry, I guess I didn’t mean it the way it seemed.” She eventually said, and turned her attention elsewhere in what you assumed was hidden embarrassment. 

And maybe she had been honest with her apology. 

(Maybe she hadn’t.)

(She probably wasn’t the more you studied her features.) 

“It happens.” You try your best to shrug it off, seem like it wasn’t as big of a deal to you then you had made it seem. The shy housemaiden sent you a smile, and you softly smiled back, before letting your gaze slip back to the drink within your hands. 

“You didn’t have to do that, Siffrin.” Odile cut through your thoughts, and you shark further into yourself. 

“I didn’t.” You reply plainly, trying your best to look everywhere but her. 

“Sometime’s its just easier to not argue. It’s less exhausting.”  

“It doesn't need to be” 

“Thank you.” She said.” 

“Thank you.” You respond back.

The fire was nice. 

For you, it was nice that many of the House’s you all would stumble upon thankfully that similar traditions in each one, your favorite was mostly the large group bon fires a few times a week. Mirabelle explained it once, and admittedly you’d not really been paying attention while she was explaining it, your mind wandering off to stars knows what, yet you’d at least retained the metaphorical gust of the importance. 

‘Burning your old self to make way for a new one.’

Yet you think it was actually just an elaborate excuse to give them all an excuse to get away from their studies or other responsibilities to relax every now and then. 

You weren’t complaining! 

At least during these times, you got a chance to sit underneath the stars, surrounded by nature and all the people you loved. 

You watched as Bonnie and Isabeau attempted to mash ten marshmallows together in attempt to make a ‘megamellow’, and laughed as they broke the third stick they tried to use. Two of the Hosuemaiden’s beside the two looked almost mortified, which seemed to be their fuel for continued mischief. Odile laughed, jokingly made some sly comment about how it would be less pitiful if they were to just throw the marshmallows in the fire, which caused Bonnie to throw one at her. 

“Don’t waste food guys!” Mirabelle laughed, picking up the marshmallow and dusting it off. 

“I dare you to eat it.” You said with an evil smile, and she playfully shoved you with her shoulder. 

“I dare you to eat it!” Mirabelle joked back.

“Don’t say that, they will.” Bonnie laughed, stuffing another marshmallow in their mouth. 

“I absolutely will.” You said, and Odile rolled her eyes. 

“I’m so glad our saviors are having enjoying themselves!” A voice called out from the side, and you met the gaze of Ermont’s Head Housemaiden. 

“Miss Orianne! So good to see you!” Mirabelle smiled fondly, her head bowing slightly. “Thank you for your hospitality!” 

“No thanks needed. I am so happy to be able to house those responsible for our freedom. I hope the fire is keeping you warm? With the seasoning changing, I was worried that it would begin to be too frigid for our summer traditions.” She said lightly. 

“Not at all, It’s great!” Bonnie replied, before shoving three marshmallows into their mouth. Isabeau snickered beside them, which caused Odile to shoot them a disapproving glance.

“If you were to stay for just a few weeks longer, I would love to invite you to our Autumn Pyre.” 

“Awe yeah, I’m so sad we’ll miss it! I’ve heard so many great stories about the Autumn Pyre in Ermont.”

“Autumn Pyre?” You asked, Mirabelle’s excitement about it being the only thing to peak your interest. 

“We have a HUGE bon fire at the change of the season to thank the Change God for allowing nature to Change.” The girl beside Isabeau said, her eyes lighting up in excitement. “It’s basically a funeral pyre where we ‘kill our old selves’ to make room for our new self in the new season!”

“Huh?” Odile and yourself both said in confusion, your head tilting. You tugged at your cloak, twisting it in your hands. 

“That sounds slightly morbid.” Odile said, and you tilted your head more in thought. 

“The Chnage God….allowing nature to….Change?” You said slowly, the words tasting wrong as you spoke them. 

“Well yeah how else do you think we get the seasons?” She looked at you in disbelief, and you suddenly felt all the eyes around you locked into your form. 

“I always heard why we get seasons is similar to why we get days and nights. I can’t recall the exact reason, but I never heard of the Change God being the reason for other seasons.” Odile spoke up, and her eyes shifted towards you. 

“Why else would we get them?” The Head Housemaiden asked, and you looked towards her. 

“Because our planet rotates the sun?” You mindlessly said, and you were in disbelief that such a simple concept had just been ignored by an entire nation. 

“Haha, what Sif?” You heard Isabeau’s voice say, and a blush ran up your cheeks. Sheepishly you looked away, an unsteady feeling rising in your gut. 

(Did he really just laugh at you?)

“Yeah that’s why we get seasons. We rotate around our axis, which is why we have day and night. Then we also rotate around the sun, which is why we get seasons. Then there’s like, extra stuff with the tilt of the planet being why we have different seasons, but that’s just extra-“

“What?” It was Bonnie this time who spoke up. “Frin that makes no sense.”

“It makes perfect sense! That’s like, baby school stuff. I learned that when I was like, five. It’s simple really-“

“What weird school were you going to-“ Mirabelle asked. 

“A weird one! Frin, are you joking with us?” Bonnie questioned, and you grew more defensive. 

“What? No I’m-“

“Rotating around the sun. That’s such a strange thing, no way that’s true.” One of the housemaidens whispered, and you decided it wasn’t worth arguing about it. 

Subconsciously, you could feel Odile’s eyes burning a hole into your skin, yet you kept your eyes casted downward away from everyone else. The sounds of laughter echoed empty within your ears, and your head suddenly began to pound. Mira reached beneath your cloak and took your hand, giving it a slight squeeze, and you gave a fake smile back to her. 

“You should tell me more sometime.” She whispered to you. “While I can’t wrap my head around that theory at the moment, it would be nice to learn more.” 

“It’s okay.” You settle. 

It wasn’t worth the bother anyways. 

“Ah, I would love to craft my body more” Isabeau mentioned to the room, and you were so close to automatically zoning out of the conversation. Even outside of the loops, there were still so many of the same conversations that just happened. You’d heard this before, time and time again, and even if you thought you’d managed to escape it, things like this would just be a thing you’d have to get used to. 

“How so?” You let yourself say, adding something you’d never thought to before. Something small, yet something so different, even if you knew the answer to your question. 

“I would love to be two centimeters taller!!!” He responded, and despite the situation you found yourself smiling fondly at how excited your partner had been.  

“Why two centimeters? Aren't you tall enough already?” Mirabelle asked, her voice full of curiosity. 

“I think you're too tall and you should cut it out.” Bonnie said flatly, and that caused you to laugh, their face looking even more annoyed than you had remembered it being during the loops. 

“Cut what out...?!?” Isabeau asked, astonished at the kid’s brash expression. Bonnie rolled their eyes and groaned dramatically, just as any other kid would. Isabeau shot them a glare, before ignoring their judgment. 

“Anyway, Mira, you don't understand. With two more centimeters, I'll pass the threshold. With two more centimeters, I'll finally be Tall with a capital T!!!!” He exclaimed, and Mirabelle clasped her hands together with thrill. 

“Hahaha! I support you and your tall dreams!” She said excitedly. 

“What a simple reason...” Odile hummed breathlessly, her gaze softly tracing over Isabeau. “And, you know, instead of crafting your body itself, maybe there are easier ways to gain height.” 

“Oh?! Like what?” Isabeau asked, and you smirked. 

“You could wear high heels!” Mirabelle suggested. 

“High heels hurt my feetsies...” He responded, his face looking defeated. Odile laughed at his own lack of optimism, and you chuckled as well. 

“You could-“ You began. ‘Drink lots of milk?’ The script almost poured out of your mouth, yet a disgusting taste filled your mouth.  

“Yeah?” Isabeau asked, and you had to switch your face from the clear look of anguish that was laced upon it. 

“We could tie your hands to a pillar and tug on your feet really hard?” Bonnie suggested, saving you from the awkward conversation of why you so suddenly tripped over your words. 

“I think that would work.” Odile suggested, and the sudden change in the script seemed to get you out of your head. 

That’s right, normally she would have interpreted the fun and ushered you all to get focused. Then you all would regroup and keep moving on with your journey through the House. That's how it would have gone, but you were out of the House. Out of the script. 

“Worth a try. Anyone have rope?” Isabeau laughed. 

“You’re fine the way you are.” You laughed a reply, and you nearly enjoyed the blush that followed on his cheeks. He looked flustered, and gave you a sheepish look. 

“Aww Sif, you’re so cute.”

“You’re cute-“

“GROSS!” Bonnie interrupted before you could finish your horrendous attempt at flirting. Isabeau playfully shoved them to the side, which caused you to roar with laughter. “STOP BEING GROSS!!”

“Nah.” You said, and stuck your tongue out at them. 

“We should stick YOU to a poll and stretch YOU out. Then maybe you could be a normal size!” Bonnie nagged, and you put your hand to your chest in fake offense, a slight gasp escaping your mouth. 

“Oh Boniface. Are you saying I’m not tall enough for you?” You pretended to be offended, and they rolled their eyes again. 

“You’re short.” They said flatly. 

“I’m taller than you.”

“Not really. We’re like the same height. You have HEALS that make you taller.”

“Same difference.” You pouted, and they shrugged their shoulders. 

“Wait, that would be cute, maybe we could Change together Sif.” “Isabeau suggested, and you stumbled a bit. 

“Yeah! Partners do it all the time!” Mirabelle said. 

“Change?” You stopped your joking mindset and automatically cut to focus. 

“Yeah! Would there be anything you’d want to Change?” Isabeau asked, and you felt as your heart skipped a beat. 

For some reason, the question seemed so out of pocket for you. 

Change? 

You? 

Sure there had been moments during the loops you maybe thought about how you would approach it. What you’d change about yourself and how you’d make yourself better than you had been. Fix all those small insecurities you’d had since you were younger. Things like your hair, maybe your eyes, you’d even admitted that it would be cool to be a bit taller. More convenient than cool maybe, yet it was still a possibility. 

Yet all those things were things that made yourself you. 

You loved Isabeau the way you had been, and selfishly didn’t know if you’d want him to be any different than how he was now. It was all of current him which made you like him, whether that was his nerdy side or the jock side. Though you sure you’d love him regardless of if he decided to Change again, and you’d know you’d be supportive no matter the decision he made. However you weren’t him, and some part of even considering the Change with a capital C filled you with dread. 

“No.” You said flatly, your face shifting. 

“There’s really nothing you’d change?” Mirabelle asked. “Nothing at all?”

“No.” You said again, this time sounding a bit more defensive than you think you’d intended. “Not for me.” 

“I don’t think it would be for me either.” Odile interrupted. 

Bless Odile, as always. 

“In Ka Bue, using Craft on yourself would be grounds for prison.” She said. 

Back to the script, Siffrin. 

“Prison!?” Isabeau exclaimed. 

“But why?” Bonnie asked. 

“Because if you can craft your body to your liking, where's the limit?” You whispered to yourself, interrupting Odile before she had the chance to say it. Her eyes flicked to you, her face clearly surprised before continuing on with her thought. 

“Take the King for example. They say he crafted his body to become so massive, he can destroy houses in a single gesture. And that's without mentioning his mastery over Time Craft, too.”

“Wish Craft…” You replied, and Odile nodded. 

“But, that's...” Isabeau started, trailing off. 

“I'm not saying Ka Bue is correct. I'm just telling you their point of view.” She clarified. 

“Yeah, but The King wasn’t from here! He didn’t understand the importance and the intimacy behind Crafting your body!”

Oh! 

Back off the script. 

“It’s just my point. I don’t blame Siffrin’s reluctance towards it. Frankly speaking, it’s just not something we were raised around as seeing as natural. While I know it’s the case for me, it could easily be the same for them.” 

“I’m just, I don’t know if I would follow the Change belief at all. Any part of it.” You spoke it softly as you curled into yourself. Nearly every head around you shot to look at you with disbelief, but there was no one else who looked more offended than Mirabelle. 

“What?” She gasped, and you shrank even further into yourself. “Why? Every single time we would speak about it you seem so invested and interested.”

(Yeah, that's kind of what being a decent person means. )

“I don’t know. I just think maybe I’d be better off without a belief for now. At least while I find my own thing that works for me?” The response came out as a question, and you anxiously scratched at your arm. 

“What’s so wrong with Change though! It’s been such a big part of us, of you.”

“Mira-“ Isabeau said cautiously, and Mirabelle smiled wider. 

“I’m just not-“

“You’ve been Changing. Change! With a capital C! You’ve been doing so good recently because you’ve allowed yourself to let that change happen. I think letting Change into your life more would be good for you.”

“I don’t want to!” You shouted, and you barely had a moment to recover. “I don’t want to Change. I don’t want to hear about how good Change is. I’m fine the way I am.”

“Siffrin, please I don’t mean it like-.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” Your voice croaked. “Why can’t being me be enough? Why do I have to Change?”

“Sif buddy, Change isn’t a bad thing.” Isabeau defended, and you shot him a glance. 

“It is for me.” You sharply shot back. 

“Why do you see it as a bad thing?” Mirabelle asked, and you glanced away from her. 

“Am I not good enough for you all?” You nearly whispered it, and the atmosphere in the room became tense and the nervous looks gazed between one another. 

“Sif, hey that’s not….” Isabeau cut himself off, letting out a deep sigh before continuing to speak. “Change doesn’t have to be a bad thing-“

“Maybe it’s not for you, but it absolutely is for me.” You scoffed out, and Mirabelle almost looked pained at your words. 

“Siffrin please, talk to us-“ Isabeau begged, and you immediately cut him off. 

“Because if I Change, what’s left of my country? My culture, my family? The only thing I have left of who I am is how I present myself, and if I lose that, who am I?” You shouted, your fingers digging hardly into your arms. “I’ve gone my whole entire life trying to figure out who I am, and it’s been nothing but trying to chase after a shadow I’ll never be able to catch.” 

You took a harsh breath in through your teeth, your gaze cutting away to where Bonnie and Odile stood there shocked. “If I ‘Change with a capital C’, then I erase the only chance I have at having someone find me. Of finding myself.”

“That’s not what Change is! The Change God-“

“I don’t care about your god!” You shouted, and automatically your hand shot up to your mouth. Mirabelle stood there frozen, her eyes turning from stern to watery. Bonnie gasped and you stayed unmoving as Isabeau moved to comfort Mirabelle. Slowly, you took a few steps back, glancing at where the door of the room was. 

“Siffrin.” You heard Odile’s stern voice, and you blankly glanced towards her. 

Yet, like always, you found yourself turning around on your heels, and walking fast out the exit, away from the commotion you had caused. 

“Siffrin, come back here!” You heard Mirabelle’s shaky voice call out. “Stop always running away 

from your problems. Stop running away from us!”

You were done with this conversation. 

“Siffrin!” Someone else called out, but you didn’t care to pay attention to who it was. 

Your head pounded, and your breath heaved heavy within your chest. Hastily, you shoved your way through the bustling crowds that were scattered across The House, frantically ignoring the worried comments and glances the Housemaiden’s faced you with. 

They weren’t important right now. 

All you could focus on was how you couldn’t breathe. 

Air.

You needed air. 

Shoving your way through the front door of The House, you let the cold autumn air engulf your lungs, your hands grabbing desperately at your chest. Your vision was blurred, your head hot, and stars even though you had been outside, it was as if your lungs refused to accept the oxygen that you inhaled. 

Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. 

Ultimately, since you were too focused on the fact that you couldn’t seem to remember how to breathe, you forgot that you also hadn’t been able to see very well in your frantic state, which was why your ankle got caught on a massive root, and you tumbled down into a river bank. 

It wasn’t even the feeling that helped you come back to your senses. 

It was the fact that the water of the stream you decided to throw yourself into was absolutely freezing. Gasping, you threw your body out of the brook, rolling into the mud beside it. Hastily, you tore off your cloak, angrily crumbling it up into a ball before chucking it away from you.  

You stood there for a moment, taking a second to catch your breath. 

Collect your thoughts.

And breathe. 

Breathe. 

And cry. 

Shakily, your hand reached out to a nearby tree, your fingers making contact with the rough bark and its mossy coat. It was only a moment you let yourself stand there hunched over, your legs shaky and your body trembling, and you turned and pressed your back to it before you shank exhaustedly down to the ground. 

Stars, you were pathetic. 

Miserably, you brought your hands up to your head to frustratingly tag and grasp at your hair, your knees pulling up to your chest, and your head tucking to your legs. 

You let yourself scream in anger. 

You didn’t care at that moment who was around. Who could hear you? 

Because it seemed right. 

Had it been the best coping method? 

Absolutely not! 

Yet, especially considering your past, it was probably the best and most stable thing you could do in that moment to cool you down. Once you were done, you just took a moment to focus on your breathing, your fingers still twisting and pulling sharply on your hair. Eventually, after one last breath, you glanced towards the stars, their presence being the only ones you cared about. 

“Did that help, Little Crow?” You heard a voice echo, and you stayed restlessly aside the brook, your body unwavering and your eye glued to the stars painted within the sky above you. 

“Hi Odile.” You responded softly, your body staying still. 

She walked near you, slowly and cautiously, before she stood right next to you. This time, you let yourself gaze away from the sky, favoring to look towards the empty spot beside you. Mindlessly you chewed on your lip, and tried not to squirm with anxiousness as the researcher moved to sit down beside where you had been laying. 

“Are….” Her voice spoke, and you could hear a hint of hesitation. “Are you okay?” 

“I’m fine.” You spoke back to quickly, and you could almost feel the eye roll she did. 

“Well we both know that’s not true. You just yelled loud enough to wake up my resting ancestors.”

“Maybe not.” You responded, and your hands moved to cuff together. You twiddled with your thumbs, anxiously squeezing your hands before you spoke up. “Is Mirabelle okay?” 

“She is fine. She’s more upset that you ran out than she is with you, per se." She mentioned, her voice soft and gentle. 

“Sorry.” You spoke under your breath. “There was just so much going on, and I was getting overwhelmed. I know I made her and maybe even Isa upset and I didn’t want to keep making anyone else mad.”

“I think more so they were taken aback by your response rather than upset. You don’t always need to agree with everyone just for the sake of making them happy.”

“Isn’t that what family does?” It was, wasn’t it? One wrong move or one wrong decision and you’d be out of the little group they called a family now. It had almost happened in the loops, you’d seen firsthand how fast they were to dismiss you when you didn’t agree with them. 

“Absolutely not.” She hissed, and her body turned sharply towards you. “How often have you been agreeing with us just because you thought that’s what you’re supposed to do?”

“Um….” You faltered, and let your body sit up closer to the researcher. “I thought-“ 

“Well whatever it was, you thought wrong.” She clarified. “You’re allowed to have your own opinions. You’re allowed to have your own interpretations. Finally, you are absolutely allowed to have your own ideas about what you believe in. It’s okay to be different.”

“I’m different, sure. I know that. But weird?” You responded, your thoughts drifting back to the conversation you’d had with that one kid and their mother. While not a big deal, it stuck with you, and stars did it hurt. 

“People thought I was weird when I first came here too.” Odile suddenly said, and you whipped her head towards her. 

“Did they really? You?” A smile tugged at your lips, and you glanced at her. Beside you, she chuckled and shook her head, her own smile remaining. 

“They only teach the formalities of Vaugarde in Ka Bue, and my very first interaction with the people on the harbor was them laughing at me.” She said, a small grimace crossing her face. 

“Why?” You asked, genuinely curious. 

“They said I spoke too sharp and proper. ‘Too formal’ they said. I had been so anxious I almost turned around and got right back on the boat. While I might have been Vaugardian in blood, I’ve only ever known Ka Bue.”  She said low, her eyes cast downwards. 

“What happened after?” You asked, and she just shrugged her shoulders. 

“I dealt with it. I had known that things would be different, it was just getting used to it that took me a while. Back home, while not shy necessarily, I was still very quiet and reserved. We take manners very seriously there. However here, everyone wants to talk to you and they’re so inviting no matter the circumstances. You could walk into a complete stranger's door with a knife to their chest and they’d still be happy to take you in.”

“Yeah.”

You’d known that. 

It had been something you’d faced numerous times throughout your various times traveling throughout Vaugarde. Even throughout Poteria and Mwudu, despite also being very welcoming and friendly to travelers, no stranger would leave their door unlocked for anyone to walk in. Like most, they too were reserved enough to keep their family safe and protected from those who could bring harm. The fact that Vaugarde was the complete opposite always alarmed you, and some deep thought caused you to wonder if that’s why The King was able to take over the country with such little struggle. 

“When I washed up on my boat, they treated me like glass.” You randomly spouted out, and Odile’s interest perked up. “I was still really young, no older than ten I’d say, so to all of them it was alarming enough.”

“Yeah?” She asked, shifting her weight to better look at you. 

“A few fishermen found me. I can’t remember how long I had been alone, but I just know they were very nervous. They had just been calling me the ghost while they brought me to the nearest town.”

“Ghost?” 

“Makes sense. Random child all alone. Darkless hair. Darkless cloak. I’m surprised they even had the courage to actually come up to me.”

“Darkless cloak? The same one you have now?” She asked, and your eye light up. 

“Oh yeah! We’ve never had this conversation, have we?” You’d asked for clarification, but her face said it all. 

“I’d suppose not.” She said blankly, looking at you with curiosity. “Were we supposed to?”

“Isabeau would always bring it up in The House. Mentioned how my cloak is made with some special craft so it grows with me. So it’s been with me since I left my island. I don’t know who made it for me….” Your voice trailed off, and you anxiously fiddled with the hem of your cloak. 

(‘Whoever gave you this cloak wanted to make sure you're gonna be nice and comfy for a long time, Sif!’)

“….but I’m glad I can have something from home. Even if I can’t remember why it’s important.” You continued. Odile stayed silent for a moment, her thoughts clearly conflicting within her head. She stared blankly at you for a few moments, eyes twisting and narrowing, before she let out a deep breath. 

“What ended up happening with the fishermen?” She suddenly asked, and you shrugged. “How long did they stay with them?”

“They dropped me off at a random House of Change. I guess they didn’t want to deal with a kid who barely knew more than the basics of Vaugardian, and they clearly wouldn’t have known anything of my language.” You said, slumping in on yourself. 

“They brought you to a House of Change?"  She asked, and you nodded. 

“I guess it’s common for orphans around here. I don’t think they have traditional orphanages, so that’s just the next best thing. They ‘adopt’ you into the Change belief basically, that way you ‘always have your family nearby’.” 

“That sounds miserable.” She said, and you groaned dramatically. 

“Stars it was. I wasn’t there longer than a few months. Stayed long enough so I could get a better grasp on the language. I knew some of it, which makes sense considering how close the island is to Vaugarde. So I stayed and let them take care of me, let them get comfortable, and I just left one night and didn’t come back.”

“You were still so young.” Her voice seemed small and weak, and it made you feel even more so. 

“I needed to find who I was. I wasn’t going to do that there. They wanted me to change and I couldn’t bring myself to. It didn’t feel right.”

“You left all alone, without anyone else?”

“I had no one else. I didn’t have anyone until I found you guys.”

“You had people in the House there with you, however. You didn’t want to stay longer?”

“I couldn’t. I didn’t fit in there, and I knew I could never belong. No matter how much the Housemaiden’s tried to force it on me.”

“Even when you couldn’t remember, you still knew deep down that you’d been taught differently.”

“There was a room in The House. I would take you guys there a lot once I finally figured out how to get into it. It had to have been the room of someone else from the island who stumbled upon Dormont.”

“What was the room?”

“It was an observatory.”

“A what?” 

“An observatory. It’s a place used to study various different phenomena. There can be different types for different reasons, but this one was more so for astronomy.” You responded, and you saw as Odile’s features shifted and she squinted her eyes at you. 

“I think you’re just making up words again.”

“Astronomy.” You groaned. “The study of space basically. Stars. The Universe.”

“I see.” She says softly. 

“I loved being there because I was surrounded by stuff that felt familiar. Yet at the same time, I was surrounded by people who couldn’t comprehend it.”

“Us?”

“It’s not your guy’s fault.”

“But you’re still hurt by it.” She said, and you turned away from her. 

“I’m still hurt by a lot of things. There’s no use to prying into every single situation that’s been uprooted in my life.”

“What would we do that made you upset?”

“There’d be a few things, where I’d mention something from my beliefs, things I was taught, and it would just be called silly. I don’t even remember what the exact thing was anymore — I think maybe it was something about still being able to see the stars even when it’s daytime?”

“That's impossible, Siffrin.”

“Though it’s true! Stars are always there, we just can’t see them during the day because of the light from the sun. That’s why we can use telescopes to look at the stars, even during the day. They’re all objects locked in space, sometimes even other suns and planets. They don’t just ‘disappear’.”

“Ah.” She said suddenly, her face growing dark and her fists clenching slightly in her lap. 

“Ah what?” You asked, voice suddenly defensive. 

“I just did the very thing which upsets you.” She clarified, and your face fell. 

“Oh, yeah you did.” You stated, and you looked over to see the conflict upon her face. “I’m sorry-“

“Siffrin, there's no need for you to apologize. You’ve never once questioned anything I say about Expressions. And despite your multitude of bad experiences within the Change belief, you’re still always open minded when the others speak of their views.”

“I just don’t want to upset anyone.”

“It’s not okay for them to upset you either. Even if they don’t believe in your beliefs.”

“I just wish I was able to live by my beliefs so confidently like everyone else can. You with the Expressions, everyone else with Change, but I can’t.” You breathed exhaustedly. “No matter how hard I try to grasp onto some piece of information that I remember, or if there is a moment where I read something important, it just slips through my fingers that easily.” 

“Yet you are still trying to chase that, regardless of how impossible it seems to catch.”

“Isn’t that weird?” You ask, and she shook her head. 

“It’s very selfless. I admire you for that.”

“You say that as if it would have been better for all of us?” She asks cautiously. 

“Wouldn’t it have been?” Your voice rasped desperately. “If I stayed on my island, the loops would have never happened. I would have never trapped any of you in them-“

“And we all would have died, and Vaugarde would have been endlessly frozen.” Odile said sharply, and your head shot to look at her. “Perhaps even the rest of the world eventually. Who knew what would have happened.”

“What?” The response came out as a whisper, astonishment laced in your voice. 

“Let’s think back to all those times you had gotten stuck during a loop. All the times you had to go back and start from the beginning because we all messed up.” 

“But I was the one who messed up, that wasn’t your guys fault! More often than not the times I messed up could have easily been avoided if I hadn’t been stupid and paid more attention to-“

“And what makes you think things would have gone any differently without you?” She cut you off, her eyes narrowing. 

“Wouldn’t things have been better? You didn’t even like me when I first started traveling with you guys.”

“I was cautious.” She clarified. “You were wary of us all as well, don’t forget that. I saw how you’d act within those first few weeks.” 

And oh were you wary.

There were many sleepless nights you had during the first few weeks you’d spent with them. While you knew deep down they were all trustworthy, and you appreciated the company and comfort they rewarded you, being distant from those around you was how you’d lived nearly your entire life. Getting close to anyone meant being disappointed when they evidently left, so preventing yourself from getting close to any of them meant protecting yourself. 

And look what getting attached to them did. 

“I acted…. normal.” You settled, and the researcher's face shifted. 

“You acted suspiciously.” She shot back, and you moped a bit. 

“How was I supposed to act! I didn’t know any of you!” You defended frantically, almost offended that she didn’t give you much of a chance when you had first joined the party. 

“We didn’t know each other either. It took Boniface coming into the group for you to eventually open up. Gems, had you not found them I feel as if you’d still be sleeping up in trees.”

“Trees are comfy!” You yelled loudly in defense of “They’re safer too when you’re alone!”

“But you weren’t alone.” She said. 

“I didn’t know that.” You tried to stay defensive, but you could help as your voice cut off at the end. 

“Let’s get back on track. You’re deflecting-“

“I am not!” You said, your fingers digging into your palms. 

“How did the loops first start?” Odile asked, and your eye widened as your body froze. 

“What?” You asked, voice hushed in astonishment. 

“Your loops, what was your first loop?”

“It was the rock…” You said softly, your gaze trying to trace the emotion painted upon her face. “I couldn’t find the switch in the trap room. Since I felt safe, and kept walking forward, it crushed me.” 

The words felt hollow coming out of your mouth, and you couldn’t ignore how Odile flinched with how casually you said it. At this point, it was long over, and aside from a few accidental times you’d started at the beginning of The House, and mindlessly forgotten about the boulder, it wasn’t a death that really mattered to you. It was nothing but a drop of blood in an ocean filled with water; forgettable and easily dissolved.

Like it hadn’t even happened. 

Your gaze flicked back to Odile, her own eyes tracing you up and down. Her hands clenched together, and they slightly squeezed themselves as she took a deep breath through her nose, and eventually released it from her mouth. 

“So you died.” She said plainly, and you slowly nodded your head. 

“I did.” 

“Was the the result of all your loops?” She asked, her words coming slowly out of her mouth. 

“For most.” You responded, and she lightly nodded her head. The two of you sat there for a moment, her mind obviously elsewhere at that moment.

“Odile-”

“Think of it this way, Siffrin.” She whispered cutting you off, and you pressed your lips together in a firm line. “Had you not made your wish, had we not had that sprinkle of your faith following us around, you would have died there.”

“I did die there-“

“Permanently.” She said, and you instinctively shrunk into yourself. “We all would have to live with that guilt the rest of our lives, and there’s no guarantee that our guilt and lives would have lasted much longer after yours ended.”

You took a moment to think about that, to actually fully think about the outcomes of the scenario that Odile had suggested. Yeah, it would cross your mind from time to time at the start of the loops, and there had been hundreds of other times you would think about how lucky you had been to have an opportunity to start the day's events fresh after some unfortunate situation. Even afterwards, there would be moments where habit nearly took over and you had to stop yourself from making a choice that, at that point, would be irreversible. 

“Whichever way you ultimately decide to look at it, there is no denying the fact that the loops undoubtedly had a sprinkle of advantages laced between the multitude of disadvantages that followed. I am horrified everyday at the things you had to go through, and even moreso, I am distraught that you felt the need to carry that burden alone.” She paused, taking a deep breath through her mouth. Desperately, her hands rubbed her eyes, her glasses moving askew across her face. “Yet, I am so grateful to whichever deity, Change God, Expressions, Universe, whomever it was, that allowed you to come back safe to us.” 

You froze. 

“Odile-“

“I know, much like you, that I have not been the best at voicing my own opinions, my worries. I learned early on that sometimes concealing things might be the best so those around don’t push their pity upon me. Though, there is no longer a world I could imagine without any of you by my side.”

These days, there aren't many times where someone would cause you to be speechless. After so many loops, you’d naturally developed the habit to respond, regardless of if you meant what you had said. The script you’d used followed you endlessly around, and it was an unfortunate habit you knew would be with you for much longer.  

It didn’t matter how hard you tried to force it, there was absolutely nothing that managed to even start to make sense in your head. Your eye glazed over, and you bit down so hard onto your lips so you could at least try to feel something. 

You….don’t think you’d ever heard Odile be so honest. 

“Odile-“ you eventually managed to croak out, and she just shook her head. 

“You can look at all the negative aspects of the loops everyday Siffrin, however it’s that one positive of it that keeps me going. Keeps allowing me to bring the support you need to keep going. It is because you believed in your ability to continue on that we are all here today. That you are here today.”

“I hadn’t thought of it that way.” You said slowly, gaze looking out past the woods. 

“I am sure the others haven’t either. They care deeply for you, and in the end to them they want to ensure you are as confident and comfortable in life as they are. To them, a lot of that is from their religion and belief in Change, so to them that’s the best way to make sure you feel better.” Odile said, and you nodded your head. 

“I understand.”

“You have a right to be upset though. They were and have been very dismissive of a lot of things concerning you, and I think we will need to have a very similar conversation with them. It is okay to be different.” 

"Frin!" You heard a voice from your side suddenly call out, before something slammed into you. As you toppled over yourself to the ground, you instinctively let your arms wrap around the figure that slammed into you. 

"Bonnie-" You said softly, and they smacked your arm a few times. 

"You stupid crab!" They shouted, before giving you another tight hug. 

"They're over here! I win! I found them first!" They yell, their shout nearly deafening you. 

"Technically, I found them first." Odile jokes, and Bonnie rolled their eyes. 

"Technically, you're old and don't count." The child countered, and you laughed loudly at their blunt response. Odile lightly smacked them, and they shoved her away. 

"Siffrin!" Mirabelle shouted as she shoved her way through the brush. Frantically, she looked around, until her eyes finally met your gaze. She slowly walked towards you, her steps slow and cautious as if you were a cornered animal.

(Which you kind of felt like at the moment.)

“I’m sorry I reacted the way I did.” You mumbled, hanging your head in shame. “I know you were only trying to help and I took my stress out on you guys. There’s just been so much going on and a lot to adjust to-“

“No Siffrin I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to make it seem like you needed to Change or that we wanted you to.“ Mirabelle said, her eyes wide and watery. 

“Then why did it seem like you did?” You asked, straightforward and strict. You wanted to answer and you knew you wouldn’t be happy without one. Sure, you could fake it and pretend like you always had, but this was something you wanted to hear physically with an answer that you could wrap your head around.

“It’s just how we were raised. That was always our solution to things, and I didn’t for a moment even think about how you see things.” She said. 

“We love you as you Sif. Change for us though isn’t a bad thing, and it is something that we use to get through the tough times of our life.” Isabeau said, and you took a moment to let the words digest. 

“Odile helped make it make a little more sense.” You said, quiet and weak. “I’m sorry that I made your feelings less than my own. I know you guys were trying to help, and I did get a little defensive.” 

“Sif we only want what’s best for you, and recently it’s just seemed like your lack of culture has been a huge part of your stress recently.”

“That’s the thing though, I don’t lack culture. I have culture, it’s just that it’s been stripped away from me.” You argued back, and Mirabelle shook her head. 

“It just seemed like you were sad it was gone, we wanted to give you something that you could enjoy again.” She clarified. 

“But I do enjoy my culture. Even if I can’t remember it, it’s still there and it’s still what makes me, me. I don’t want to lose that, and I don’t want anyone to take what I have left of my home away.”

“I know that and I’m so sorry I made you uncomfortable. I’m sure the Change God wouldn’t want me being so brash and unwelcoming.”

“Honestly you could end the world and I’m sure the Change God would be okay with it. They love you too much. Wouldn’t stop talking about how great you were.” You said sarcastically. 

“What.” Both Isabelle and Mirabelle asked, and you scoffed before getting up and dusting yourself off. 

“It’s not important. Maybe we can talk about that later.” You said, the mental exhaustion of the day eventually catching up with you. “I think there’s a lot we need to talk about later.”

And for once, you planned to. 

You had been hurt, and it was okay to acknowledge that. You knew that this was probably a conversation that would continue for years down the line, and constant disconnect between everything that, despite being so close, would never be able to fully close. They would never really understand the position you were coming from, though you were sure you also wouldn’t be able to do the same with them. 

But things like this meant something 

Perhaps it was The Universe’s way of reminding you that, despite it seemingly being wiped away from existence, it could still live on. You knew of its existence now, and deep down you always acknowledged it, regardless of the circumstances that made you believe it was real. That was still something that would forever be a part of you, no matter how hard someone would try to strip its reality away from existence. 

Alongside you, there were hundreds upon thousands of people who shared your experience, your faith and history, that had also been displaced within foreign lands. Yet these people, unlike yourself, would never have a chance to remember how it felt to breathe in air that held their faith. 

The loops were awful, yes. 

You’d known that. You’d come to understand and accept the absolute horrors you had faced while you were in them. Yet, maybe it was The Universe’s way of reminding you that it was there. That it could still help you even if no one else realized. Without that fact, you and the rest of Vanguard would have been forever frozen at the grasp of The King. 

But you haven’t been. 

Because of your wish. 

Because of The Universe. 

Because even though you had no recollection or resources to go off of, the system was still engraved in your very being and no matter how hard someone tried, you would always have those customs buried deep within you. 

Change wasn’t your religion. 

You’d tried that before and knew it would never work out. Throughout your years of life trying to chase something that no longer existed, you’d managed to learn so much about the world around you. It’s people, it’s cultures. Though no matter how hard you tried, none of them could ever belong to you. 

Your friends, while aiming to help you in the completely wrong way, did their best. While they would never understand, with a small exception on some occasions with Odile, they were able to put together one thing. That being away from your culture physically pained you. Yet, you had suddenly realized that it was a blessing that you did actually have information to piece and prod together, facts that had been there for ages that now had a backing to go off of.

“Thank you though, for noticing I was struggling.” You mumbled, a slight smile tugging at your lips. Mirabelle nodded, her face holding a fond and loving gaze. “I know there’s a lot I have to learn, but I hope you guys want to learn as well.”

 “Of course!” Mirabelle said. “Anything you have, let us know. While I noticed some of it, its still clear I was oblivious to a lot of it.” 

 “Talking to us is not a fault. It would be a great way for you to try and remember things.” Odile said. 

“Yeah!” Bonnie shouted. “We can remember it for you.” 

‘We can remember it for you.’ 

“Hey Frin!” Bonnie said loudly in your ear, their hand smacking you sharply.

“You’re crying dumb dumb.” They said, and your hand went to where your eye was. 

You were. Again. 

“I’m sorry. I just-“ You paused, taking a deep breath in through your mouth. “Thank you guys.” Your words were soft, and you dramatically wiped the tears away from your eye.

 “Please talk to us more, Siffrin. We want to help, but we can’t do that if you won’t let us. Okay?”

 “Okay.”

It was ironic how it took your death to be the result of your life finally beginning.