Chapter Text
The beating heart of Japan had many things to offer; one person could never get truly bored in the city of Tokyo, and Sae had been waiting his entire life to start feeling like he was alive. The move to the city almost two years ago had been a breath of fresh air, a clean break. As much as he liked his hometown in Kanagawa, he felt like he was trapped in an invisible bird's cage. His muscles always aching for more.
The fast-paced lifestyle of the city had been easy for him to attach himself to; everything was too rapid and too much that it made it easy for him to fit right in. No one noticed the new face in the city, and no one cared what he did. He was another nobody passing along.
However, the novelty of the new city died fast as it came; three semesters at the University of Tokyo had left him exhausted. He went to classes, did his homework diligently, and even managed to do a moderate amount of exercise weekly. Life had grown peaceful and also incredibly monotonous. Before he even realized it, the days blended into weeks, and the weeks into months, whole semesters merged into one continuous line behind his eyes.
When his parents had asked him about letting Rin stay with him while he attended the Tokyo University of Arts, he had been secretly relieved, as much as his relationship with his brother was messy and complicated, he hoped the new presence at home would make the fog infecting his brain with boredom dissipate. He never mentioned that to his parents, Rin, to anyone, for that matter. It had been a quiet confession between him and the mirror.
He tried not to be disappointed when Rin’s arrival didn't do much for his boring life. Rin had arrived during the summer break of his second and third semesters, half a year ago, and with him came new responsibilities that only made his throat feel dry. Suddenly, he was back in Kanagawa, 9, 12, and 14 years old all at the same time. Chasing and tending after his brother to make sure he didn't get injured, hiding the traces of his broken toys, and coming up with excuses for him.
He tried to convince himself Rin was old enough now not to fall victim to his destructive impulses.
But that too was becoming harder to believe in the recent weeks. Rin had been acting weird. Sae first noticed it when the pattern of sleeping all day became too obvious to ignore. Rin would spend full afternoons with his head stuck between pillows and the bed sheet and only come out of his room, hair messy and groggy, after the sun had already set and the moon started to poke out in the sky. At first, Sae figured he was simply recovering from his first semester. He remembered his own first months attending university, he had spent half the summer break sleeping and the other half getting ahead with the material for next semester.
The difference between Fine Arts and Applied Mathematics couldn't be more vast, but he remembered seeing Rin spend hours at night, drawing relentlessly on sketchbook after sketchbook. He was simply tired, Sae assured himself.
Alarm bells started to sound in Sae's head when Rin began to skip meals, always conjuring an excuse regarding a new diet or a mysterious stomach ache he seemed to only have during lunch time. Sae had sighed and nodded along; he wasn't his mother, and he wouldn't fuss around him to eat. Rin was old enough and could feed himself if he was hungry.
Instead, he opted for the sanest option in his book; he marked lines on the liquids and counted the packages of food left; he didn't need to see Rin eat, knowing it was enough.
He stared at the kettle sitting on top of the open flame, waiting for the water to boil as he stood in the kitchen, his back to the living room, resting on the counter as he let the minutes pass by him. He had woken up earlier than usual, his brain still running on the semester schedule that had him waking up at 5 am every morning. He didn't live far away from his university, but he was particular about his morning routine, preferring to wake up early and get a head start on the day.
He hummed, looking out the window as the blueish tint in the sky, with light starting to appear on the horizon, greeted him. He had grown into the habit of watching the sunrise as of late. The whistle of the kettle brought his attention back.
He poured the boiling water over the kelp leaves, letting the tea simmer on the counter as he walked to the living room, setting his used yoga mat across the floor. The sound of the door opening and closing made him freeze instantly.
He stared at the hall, waiting to be met face to face with an intruder; instead, his brother stared around the room, clothes disheveled and hair messy, like he had been running. He hadn't noticed him yet, still crouching on the floor, the yoga mat between his hands.
Rin glanced around the room, finding him on the floor. He took a step back, mouth opening and closing before he decided to just stare at Sae like he was the one doing something wrong and not the one who just got caught sneaking back home. His brows knitted in anger, a snarl already forming on his lips as Sae stood up and tilted his head to the side, no words needed to convey his irritation.
Sae stared at him expressionless, trying to figure out how exactly he was supposed to go about this, Rin no longer being the little brother he was so used to dragging around.
“Why the hell are you up so early?” Rin asked.
“I should be asking you the same.” Sae counter, baffled by his brother's ability to blame him over this, too. He stared at him, only now noticing the odd scratch on his cheek, a cat? he thought innocently. Then, he noticed the red stain on the hem of Rin's hoodie, raising a brow at that, definitely not a cat.
“I went out running,” Rin said, rolling his eyes as he crossed his arms on his chest. Making the sleeves of the hoodie ride up his arms, revealing his half-assed attempt at bandaging the wounds hidden under the hoodie.
“In jeans”
“What-”
Rin looked down at his pants and muttered curses. Sae simply stared at him aloof, as good as his brother was at sneaking in and out of the apartment building without being noticed, he wasn't half as good at hiding his wounds or coming up with a believable story. Last week's very obvious use of a long t-shirt finally clicked in his head. He had assumed Rin simply had found a new style, art school things, and all.
He wondered how long the operation had been going on for, but stayed a silent observer, simply watching his brother's unusual behavior. Whatever it was that Rin was doing, he clearly did not want Sae’s interference.
Puzzle pieces started to piece together in his head. He sighed, too tired in the early morning to deal with his brother's attitude. “Are you involved in anything I should be worried about, Rin?” he asked.
He raised an eyebrow, his hand already traveling to his hip as Rin looked at him, bewildered, like he had accused him of murdering someone. Which he might as well have done, given how little Sae knew of what he was doing.
“What? No!” Rin sounded insulted.
Sae rolled his eyes, not believing a word he just said. He grabbed the tea left on the counter, walking back into the kitchen to start making breakfast. My brother joined a gang, he thought. His mood too sour to do yoga.
“Your bandages are falling off, idiot.” He didn't bother to look around to see Rin's expression. Only hear him whisper a quick “Shit.”
“I just fell, okay?” Rin muttered, adjusting his bandages behind the counter, “scraped my arms on the asphalt.”
Either my brother joined a gang or is suicidal, I can't exactly decide which one is worse or which one will kill him faster.
“Are you eating while you are out?” he asked instead.
Rin sounded startled, saying a hurried “Yeah.”
Sae hummed, and Rin took that as the end of the conversation, retreating into his room. Sae knew he wouldn't see him until late in the afternoon when he finally decided he had had enough sleep.
He counted down the weeks for the next semester, dreading it and at the same time hoping it could come sooner. As boring as classes could be, he felt insane without the usual routine, like a dog too used to a collar who now ran free. His brother's behavior was not exactly helping; Rin’s unused canvases sat forgotten against a wall in the living room, waiting to be used.
Sae looked at his math books and notes scattered on the coffee table; the graph and tables with data no one cared about, fictional in its origin and function. The disparity in their degrees couldn't be more obvious; their universities separated by a 20-minute walk, their rooms three steps in distance, yet here they were, living in different time zones under the same roof. Rin’s life was now cloaked in a mysterious veil, and Sae had no idea where it had come from.
The tea in his hand was quickly finished, now lukewarm against his lips. He ditched his breakfast, appetite gone too. He noticed running low on some ingredients, the ones he was sure he had used that week, since Rin seemed to have an allergy to home-cooked meals now. He wrote down a mental list and went back to his yoga mat. Seeking a sense of normalcy was all he could attempt to do, as much as his caged heart begged to go into Rin’s room and demand answers.
He sat on the mat instead and closed his eyes, controlling his altered breathing. He let his body take over, muscle memory performing his usual stretches, his mind blank. He counted the beating of his heart, following its tempo.
·✶·
He lingered outside of Rin’s door, clenching his palm around the doorknob as he thought about knocking; his brother was probably already asleep; what really was the point of knocking? He opened the door slowly, poking his head through the small crack, trying not to let too much light get inside the room. Last time he had done that, Rin had thrown a pillow at him, knocking half his CD collection in the process.
He looked around the dark room. He noticed the heavy amount of darkness inside; Rin had probably changed the curtains without him realizing. There wasn't a single ray of sunshine inside.
He spotted his brother, head tucked between two pillows, his hair sticking out in a fluffy black cloud between them.
“Rin,” he whispered, calling out to him. After a couple of seconds of no response, he tried again, louder this time. “Rin!”
Rin groaned in annoyance, turning around and sticking his head out, his hair covering most of his face. He scrunched his nose at the light, flopping back down as soon as he realized it was Sae.
“What?” he asked, voice groggy and tired. The covers on top of him had shifted, revealing his naked chest. Sae noticed the amount of scratches and bruises adorning his body, his eyes frozen on a particularly gory one Rin had lazily placed gauze over, which was already ripping off.
He pretended not to have seen the damage, “Going out to buy groceries,” he muttered. Rin groaned again, turning away to give him his back; there was a long scratch on it, too. Like someone had jumped from behind him and tried to hold him back by the stretch of his skin.
He closed the door, leaning his back against it as he felt nausea build in his throat. Rin didn't even look in pain. The image flashed behind his closed eye. Rin’s pale skin made the scratches look even worse; his skin had always been pale, but now, even under the dark mood light of his room, he could tell he looked even more pale than usual; his skin so paper-thin it looked like glass. Sae was sure he could see his veins through the skin.
It was a bit funny, as kids, Sae had been the one to burn under the sun while Rin tanned beautifully, only growing pale as the years went by, and his art brought him to spend more time indoors. He walked to the front door, eyes glued to his feet, making sure he didn't stumble on his way out. When he had hoped for Rin to shake up his boring life, he hadn't meant this.
As soon as the building doors opened to the streets outside, he felt the warm summer air hit his face, suffocating him. He felt sick, sweat already forming on the back of his neck. He hurried outside, the grocery store only a few streets away. He dug in his backpack, fishing out an old cap he had bought years ago. It was fraying at the edges and had a mysterious stain on the back, but he didn't care; he was attached to the old thing, and it did its job.
More importantly, it covered his face. He clenched the bag closer to his body, seeing the store in the distance as he walked faster. The other locals unhurriedly walked beside him, no panting breath or sense of urgency.
He felt watched, like every single person that passed him was turning their head around to stare at him as he walked away, not letting him out of their sight, the hair at the back of his neck standing up under the warm breeze. He fought back the urge in his bones to run and seek shelter inside the store. Seeing Rin’s wound had left him paranoid.
He reached the sliding doors after a couple of minutes, breathing out in relief as the frigid air of the air conditioning wrapped around him. He picked up a small basket and started shopping. He filled his basket with the ingredients for that week's meals, putting back one of the two bags of rice he had picked up. He wouldn't need as much anymore since Rin wasn't eating it.
The pleasant music of the store was interrupted by a screeching noise that made him jump, almost dropping the bag to cover his ears. There was a sharp noise coming from the intercom, which quickly turned into static. He started at it on the nearest corner, like it had personally offended him; the music turned back on.
“It's been malfunctioning all week,” a dull voice said next to him, startling him. He turned around, finding one of the store staff next to him, organizing the shelf in front of them. The girl didn't even turn to look at him, her bored expression and dull eyes focused on the shelf. She extended her hand in his direction, palm up, like she was waiting for something from Sae.
Sae only stared at her, confused. He hadn't noticed her approaching, much less felt her get so close. He stared at the bag of rice in his hand and placed it on hers. It was the correct choice; she took it and placed it back on the shelf.
“Thanks,” Sae muttered.
She nodded, not saying anything else. Sae turned away and walked to the next aisle, remembering to look for gauze and bandages. He hadn't asked Rin, but he assumed he had already raided the first aid kit Sae kept under the sink for emergencies. He should probably buy alcohol, too.
Once he had gathered all he needed and looked around to see if any other store staff would jump scare him, he made his way to the self-checkout and paid for his items, placing them carefully inside his bag.
He lingered by the exit, knowing that the moment he stepped outside, he would be surrounded by the summer heat. He filled his lungs with cold air and adjusted the cap on his head, walking out.
The street outside was surprisingly empty, the earlier locals and townsfolk now gone from view. The heat was gone too, now replaced with a cool breeze that made his loose shirt flap with the wind; he wouldn't complain about the better weather. He turned in the direction of the apartment building and started walking.
The gentle breeze carried him ahead, like it was urging him to move along. It was starting to pick up speed. He clenched the bag in his arm, keeping it in place as it weighed him down like an anchor. He finally noticed the unusual silence; the stores had their doors open and the lights on, but he couldn't see anyone inside them, the street was empty of all life, not even cars passed through the road beside him.
The hair on the back of his neck stood up again; he was alert to the tiniest noise. He tried to turn around, but the wind, picking up, slapped him, shoving his hair into his face and limiting his vision. He squinted as he brushed it off. Adjusting his cap so his bangs didn't fall from it again. The cold wind sent a chill down his spine; it was the middle of summer, and the sudden cold breeze made no sense.
The sensation from earlier came back. He resumed his walking, pretending like he didn't feel the stares burning holes in his back. He was alone on the street, yet the sensation wouldn't leave him. He placed a hand on the back of his neck; he was covered in cold sweat.
He could only breathe in a breath of relief once he was inside his apartment building and in the elevator, the small metal coffin that usually made him feel cramped felt like a safe haven. He placed the bag on the floor, using both hands on the railing to balance himself.
The reflection in front of him almost made him laugh; his cheeks were red from the heat, droplets of sweat dripping down his forehead as he panted, hunched over the railing. His eyes were big, pupils dilated as he stared at himself. His heart was beating fast, the drumming sound echoing in his ears.
He felt followed.
No, Sae realized, he felt like prey.
He looked away, the door opening behind him as the elevator reached his floor. He stood there, only stepping forward once the doors started to close again with him still inside. He rushed out, digging the keys out of his pocket and pushing himself inside his apartment, locking it behind him.
The apartment was quiet as he looked around it. Like he would find whoever was following him there. He placed the bag on the counter, not being able to brush the creepy feeling away; he started to take the items he bought out of the bag, distracting himself as he organized them in the cupboards and fridge. His hand trembled as he took out the expired food he had bought for Rin weeks ago.
He checked the lines in the liquids and counted the packages; none of them had gone down. He didn't linger on it. Disposing of them. His heart was beating harder than it had done in years, blood pumping fast.
He felt alive.
·✶·
A whole week had passed since the last time he had noticed Rin’s injuries. He had left the new gauze in the first aid kit and hoped Rin had enough self-awareness to change it regularly. He was pleasantly surprised when he saw the old bloody gauze in the bathroom trash can days later.
He hadn't caught Rin sneaking back home again after the first time, but he assumed he was still doing it, since he kept sleeping through the day and woke up only after sunset. Said brother was currently hogging the bathroom, so he wasn't feeling very kind or charitable toward him.
He banged the bathroom door, “Get out!” he yelled.
Rin yelled back a string of curse words, telling him to wait.
“I have to go to the library,” Sae yelled, banging the door again.
“Don't care!”
“You can't shower in the middle of the night? Scared of the dark, still?” It was a particularly unnecessary dig, as he knew it.
“Fuck you.”
“Hurry up!”
He heard Rin make an exaggerated, loud “Ugh” sound, and it was enough to make Sae's already thin patience snap. He gripped the doorknob in his hand and forced the door open, slamming the door into his brother on the way in.
“What the hell?” Rin yelped, covering his chest with the t-shirt in his hand.
“Get dressed in your room!” Sae barged in, making the already small bathroom feel like a closet. Far too small for two grown men.
He picked up the clothes left over the bathroom sink, pushing them into Rin's arms as Rin stared at him like he was crazy.
“Out,” he started to push him away, to the open door.
“Screw you, shitty brother.” Rin grasped the clothes in his hands, his mouth clenched in a snarl. “I'm cutting the water,” he stomped out of the bathroom.
“Good luck finding the maintenance room,” Sae muttered to himself as he closed the door. He had watched Rin walk away into his room, hearing the door being slammed with force.
He quickly got undressed and jumped into the water stream, not even waiting for it to get hot again. He was already in too much of a hurry to waste time.
It quickly warmed up against his skin; it was lukewarm as he washed the sweat and grim from his body. He closed his eyes, the water hugging his body as he stood unmoving. He hadn't realized it immediately when he had barged into the bathroom, but the huge slash in his brother's back from a week ago was gone, completely healed.
Most of the injuries and bruises he had seen were gone, too; it estranged him. Wounds like that weren't supposed to heal that quickly; bruises could last weeks on Rin. He was sure of that.
He pushed his bangs away from his face, lifting his forehead to be directly hit by the water. The stream turned cold instantly, making him hiss and forcing him back to reality. He had stood under the water stream for barely ten minutes. He groaned, stepping out. Rin had used most of the hot water—selfish brother of his.
He had left his phone in the kitchen, so he could only assume the time and hurriedly changed into a new set of clothes: a pair of unassuming jeans and a loose t-shirt. He fixed his hair as best as he could while still wet and got out of the bathroom, expecting to see his brother's bedroom door closed as he slept. Instead, he saw him sitting on one of the stools on the kitchen counter, brooding.
The TV behind him was on, playing an old cartoon, its childish tune blended in the background.
“Be back in the afternoon,” Sae said, grabbing his bag and phone. He looked at the time; he was behind, but not enough for it to be catastrophic. He was a fast runner.
Rin crossed his arms over his chest, looking back at the TV.
“Didn't ask,” he muttered.
Sae noticed the bandages on his arms, and he tilted his head to the side. He had just seen Rin without them; he had no injuries. He was puzzled, raising an eyebrow at the sight, but dismissed it; he would ask about it later that night.
He placed his phone in his pocket and got out of the apartment, locking the door behind him. Rin would be asleep throughout the day, and he was worried anyone would barge in if they wanted. He descended into the lobby of the building, adjusting his bag on his back and getting ready to sprint to the nearest subway station.
The clerk at the front desk waved him down before he exited, signaling him to come closer to the desk. He had papers in his hand as he gave Sae a polite smile. He was an old man, hunched over and stoic but kind. He always waved hello to Sae when he saw him come in.
“We received this today for you, Itoshi-San.” he placed the envelope on the desk, pushing it closer to him with both hands.
Sae raised an eyebrow, confused by the blank envelope in front of him. He grabbed it and flipped it; it had no return address or even consignee address, simply his first name written in cursive over the paper with pink glittery ink. Like it was supposed to have been personally delivered to him, it reminded him of the birthday party invitations he used to receive in elementary school.
“Who delivered this?” He asked.
“It was left on the counter.” The clerk said, “It was already here when I came back from the bathroom some hours ago.” He smiled again, folding his hands over his torso.
“Right,” Sae gripped the letter between his fingers and gave him a curt wave to signal his leave. The clerk nodded back.
“Have a good day, Itoshi-San.”
Sae made a choked sound as he stepped outside. He stared at the letter like it was burning the skin of his finger. He started walking, his legs following muscle memory to guide him to the station. He zoned out as he kept staring at the letter in front of him. His heart had started to beat fast again, drumming in his ears.
The paranoia from days ago was back with him, keeping him company and holding his hand as he walked. He swallowed and opened the letter; it had a folded paper inside and nothing else. He pulled it out and opened it.
He stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. Legs suddenly too heavy to move.
He stared at the picture of himself. It had been from 2 days ago, when he had been doing the exact same route to the station he was doing now; his face wasn't fully visible, but he recognized his cap. He stopped himself from reacting visibly; he knew it had been a mistake to open the letter in public, whoever had sent it was probably watching, and had been expecting him to do just that.
He felt cold sweat drip down his back, his loose shirt clinging to his skin like sticky paper. He glanced around with the corner of his eye; he was alone in the street, except he could feel a stare on his back; he couldn't prove it, but he knew it. The photo in his hand only confirmed it.
He forced his legs to start walking again. He was only minutes away from the station, he crumpled the paper in his hands as he stared in the distance.
He was prey.
He was being hunted.
He passed through the station gates, boarding the first train he saw, not bothering to check the direction he was going. The noise around him sounded closer to static and buzzing than people talking.
He stared through the window, the boarding platform emptying itself as people moved to the stairs or other trains. The one he had bordered had started to move now, he sighed, ready to zone out and prepare himself for another boring day working at the school library, the crumpled photo burning a hole in his pocket. He needed to ignore that; he couldn't let it show in public just how much it freaked him out.
A bright fuchsia explosion distracted him; he knitted his eyebrows, trying to figure out what he was staring at. The train started to pick up speed as it was leaving the platform. His eyes followed the odd figure and color among the sea of people left.
He got closer to the window, finally realizing he was staring at a person. They were wearing a bright fuchsia jacket, which made the tall man stand out like a sore thumb. The flash of blond hair only made him look even more out of place.
More importantly, Sae realized the man was staring directly at him. He couldn't make out his face as the train moved too fast away from the platform, but the bright colors had been enough for it to catch Sae's attention.
He gripped the metal pole beside him for stability, his throat dry, and he slowed around nothing. The photo had been from 2 days ago, the grocery store incident was almost a week ago, now this? Sae wanted to laugh. He had only started to feel watched during his last trip to the store, just for how long had this man been following him for? He rested his forehead on his arms, the rest of the passengers none the wiser to his turmoil.
He only worked at the library a couple of days a week, and he hadn't noticed anyone or anything strange there. Then again, he also hadn't noticed anyone taking a picture of him. He thought back to Rin, the locked door, at how the letter had been delivered to the front desk without anyone noticing.
He pulled out his phone. His hands were shaking without him realizing it. He texted his brother We have to talk, don't go out tonight.
The train stopping forced him back to reality. He looked around, realizing it was his station. He quickly shoved his phone into his pocket and exited hurriedly; his heart hadn't stopped beating since he received the letter. He caught his reflection on the glass as he exited the station and made his way into the school grounds.
His reflection didn't betray how he felt; he sighed in relief. He didn't bother running on the way to the library; he could already see in the distance. He was a whole hour late by now, but he couldn't be bothered to care; a bigger issue clouded his mind.
His phone buzzed in his pocket, he dipped his hand to fetch it, pulling it out along with the crumpled paper he had shoved in too. He quickly grabbed it and shoved it into the trash container right outside the library doors. He didn't want to look at it for a second longer.
Rin had responded with an emoji, a hand flipping him off. Sae rolled his eyes, pushing the door open in annoyance.
The library’s insides were quiet and cold, empty as most students decided to enjoy the summer break instead of staying in school grounds to study over the summer. The only people inside were Sae, the school librarian, and the few professors who had offices inside, most of them residing on the second floor, all the way to the back for privacy.
Or so he thought, his shoulder slammed against another person; he hadn't noticed them as he had walked in, barging right into them.
He stumbled over his feet, ready to give a half-earnest apology he didn't really give a shit about; it died on his lips as soon as he noticed blond hair. His breath hitched as he stared at the man.
“Sorry, didn't see you there,” The man said, laughing. Sae noticed the portfolio in his hands, the bags under his eyes, and the brown cardigan; he released the breath trapped in his lungs.
“Sorry,” Sae copied, his voice sounded harsh and dry, he coughed. The man gave him a small smile before he turned around and exited the library. Probably a student, Sae thought. Or professor, they looked old enough.
Sae shook the feeling of uncertainty off and walked to the front desk, getting behind it as he dropped his bag on the empty chair.
He finally relaxed his shoulders, dropping his head as he sat on the chair. In just what mess was he involved in now?