Chapter Text
The built in clock on the phone ontop of the small table read 3:10 AM. The blue light emenating from the phone and the street lamps outside shining in thru a tall narrow window were the only lighting for the inhabitant of the small apartment.
The apartment, an old small single room of the Grand Pangolin Arms. Faded green wallpaper with intermitten paw patterns on all sides of the room, except for a small part of the wall being made out off bricks on one of the corners with a medium sized bed leaning againts it. The small wooden table holding the phone and an old metal desklamp, with a suprisingly comfortable wooden chair, sat across from the bed. There were barely two full step between the two. The front door was positioned opposite of the window. Next to the door stood a standing mirror. A wardrobe next to the mirror seemed to be the only new piece of furniture in the apartment. A wooden shelf was nailed to the wall with a single black coat hanging on the hanging rod of the shelf. Finally, a very small old radiator under the window.
None of this was the focus of the owner of the apartment, instead his focus was on his own reflection on the mirror as he continued to stare at his uniform. His distressed expression can be seen in the dark. Drillon has never cared much about his appearance, but now as the vulpine wore the police uniform of the Zootopian Police Department, he felt very self-conscious. That self-conscious would get worse to the point he feels an almost painfull tingling itch underneath his fur.
Three years, that was how long time has passed since he first considered becoming a cop. Yet two years he spent stalling and being indecisive.
The first were the sheer amount of applications being received by the academy, he did not want to enter the academy while so much fuss was going on.
Resisiting the urge to claw his forearms where the itch is worse, Drillon glanced at his phone on the table, the phone was playing a video of ZNN from three years ago, news of the death of one Officer Weaselton of Precint One, the first weasel to join the ZPD.
"Why did I played that?" The vulpine said to himself as the video replayed for the third time. "I-its not helping."
Walking towards the table, Drillon grabbed the phone and with shaky paws closed the video app and checked the time, it now reads 3:23 AM. He was woken by unkown reasons almost half an hour ago. Knowing he wont get back to sleep, he thought getting ready early and taking a walk outside seemed like a good idea, but now that plan does not have the same appeal.
It was still pitch black in Sahara Square, which also didn't help his situation. Pitch black seemed to always make him feel unease. Street lamps periodically dotting the street on either side, he could see the buildings across from his own apartment. None of the inhabitants of the other buildings were up and about, and the only people on the street at this time were trying not to be seen. He sight, trembling a bit, the tingling got worse and now he feels like white noise crawling all over his body. The strongest feeling of it being at the side of the vulpines head, tempting him to claw at it.
Drillon chuckled as he glanced at the mirror, grinning at his own reflection, althought it looked more like a grimace. "Talking to yourself now, Ocks?" He winced as the feeling got worse on his head, imaginations of banging his head to the mirror assaulting his mind.
Drillon flinched, scratching the side of his head. Shutting his eyes tight and pressing his forehead on the window, Drillon tried to steady his breathing while forcing his imaginations to stop. That only made it worse as the feeling shifted to his eyes, tempting him to claw his eyes or stab them with glass shards of the mirror.
He was saved by his phone as it suddenly started playing a rather loud ringtone, grounding him. Still feeling dazed and knowing the feeling would return soon, Drillon quickly grabbed his phone and after checking the caller's ID, answered the call and pressed the device hard on his ear.
"H-hello? X-Ander? You-" Drillon paused as he took a sharp intake of breath, then gulped. "You there?"
After a few seconds of hearing his own rapid heartbeat the caller replied in a confused and concerned male voice. "Uh yeah..? Cheese Drillon, you good?".
"Uhm uh" Drillon pushed down his habit to lie. "Yeah, im.. okay?" He still did, involuntarily.
"Okay." Drillon could hear the caller breathing for a moment. "So.. uh, want to uh, talk about it...?"
Despite Xander's akward attempt, the conversation was enought to calm him down a bit, he just needs to avoid looking at sharp things... or mirrors.
Realizing his friend is waiting for a response, the vulpine took a moment to steady his breathing before saying in a casual tone, "Yeah, im fine now."
"You sure?"
'Well now that you asked me that im less fine' is what Drillon wanted to say, feeling the tingling returning. Instead he quickly head towards his door. Putting on his favorite and only black coat that reach just shy above his forepaws, he got out of the apartment and into the hallway, locking the door behind him.
"Drillon? You heading out? It's almost four in the morning." His friend asked throught the phone confused, no doubt he heard the door.
"Yeah, need to clear my head. Maybe a walk would be nice."
"At basically four in the morning?" Xander repeated, still confused. "Are you sure your okay? Your not the type of mammal to take walks."
"Says the rabbit who called me 'at basically four in the morning'," Drillon retorted to the first question, "But thanks, you kinda saved me there." Exiting the lobby, Drillon paused at the steps of apartment building. The many street lights banishing his vivid thoughts, the cold fresh air filling his lungs and calming him.
"Sure no problem, but uh... what happened?"
"Nothing really," continuing his walk in the direction of Precint One. "Just my imaginations again, got out of paw"
"Really?" Xander replied, sounding a bit curious. "The kind where you keep imagining you hurting yourself?" He asked bluntly. "The last time that happened was two years ago."
Grimacing, Drillon answered, "Y-yeah I guess," he felt the tingling returning, his eyes can't help but glance at all the sharp objects in his vision. A sharp looking sign, the edge of a mailbox, a stray nail or a rusty pipe, all of which his mind imagine himself tripping and injuring his eye with. "Why did you have to ask me that??" Drillon exclaimed exasperatedly.
"Ah dang it! Im so sorry!" Xander apologized, but his tone sounded akward, as if he was faking it. But Drillon can tell he really meant it.
...right?
Ah no no, shut up paranoia. Drillon scolded his mind, or himself, he's not sure.
"Well uhm," letting out a uncomfortable noise, Drillon continued. "I feel better now for some reason, its gone all of a sudden" he said truthfully, leaning on a lamp post. "So, why did you call me this early?"
Xander was quiet for a moment, "Well nothing really, kinda did it on a whim" Xander hummed, "maybe I had some sort of sixth sense and knew you needed this."
Drillon huffed, "Yeah probably," pulling the phone infront of him, he checked the time. "Anywho, it's four in the mornin' now, I'll head towards work, get some breakfast on one of those Snarlbuck or something, maybe."
"You? Drillon Ocks? The black fox who never eats breakfast? Getting breakfast without being forced too?" Xander gasped disbelief. "You grow up so fast."
"Haha, what?" Drillon chuckled, feeling light. "And of course I eat breakfast now, can't survive academy without it."
"Ah right, congratulations buddy! Your a cop now!" His voice sounding less flat then ussual. Lowering his voice to a more teasing tone, he continued. "And I bet your quite excited to meet Officer Hopps and Wilde."
Drillom scoffed, "Firstly, its Sergeant Hopps-"
"Mhm"
"-and suprisingly, im not."
Drillon could hear the sound of Xander sipping water followed by a sound of something being placed on a table before he replied rather dismissively. "Eh, im not suprised actually, You've always been more focused on that weasel officer"
Drillon tensed, "Oh right yeah, um.... yeah."
Xander raised a brow, or more specifically Drillon could imagine him raising a brow. "Oookay, well Drilly I gotta go, its almost five in the morning and im sure your busy, I gotta go."
Drillon raised a brow, he cant help but feel like this was an abrupt way to end a conversation, "Alright, take care." He replied after a while, making sure he sounds a bit upset.
"I should be telling you that-"
Xander's voice was cut off as Drillon ended the call, realizing too late he was still saying someting.
Shrugging, Drillon pushed himself of the lampost and continued his walk. Now that he wasn't talking with anyone, the streets felt very quiet, different scenarios of what would happen being alone in the streets when its still dark appeared in his head. No, he's not paranoid.
Xander had been close friends with Drillon for many years, althought they have only met in person once. They had a lot in common and while the rabbit is great company, the things he does and say always felt... forced. His words always felt hollow, his voice had this constant flat tone. It reminded the vulpine of thin ice that could break with a little push. Drillon never dared to do it, afraid of what he would find underneath the ice.
He didn't want to risk losing his friend, as selfish as that sounds.
Drillon's mind soon wandered to when he finally joined the academy, it was after the influx of applications quiet down. He got in fairly easy, there wasn't many other trainees, there were mostly the common species like wolves and bears and whatnot. He was the only fox at the time, there was a weasel, a skunk and a jackal that were very close.
Most of the mammals there liked to talk to each other, Drillon never took part of it, he didn't feel like himself during his time there, there was this constant odd heavy feeling in his chest that weirdly felt like guilt. He mostly spent time watching the others and his completely black fur helped him stay in the background. That wasn't always the case tho, when they saw his eyes, they were bright pink, neon pink one of them said, and how distracting it was, or magnetizing, depending on who you ask.
In the end he graduated salutatorian without making much memory with the other members of the academy. While he regreted that, he was delighted when he was assign to Precint One. To Drillon, being assign to Precint One is one of the main reasons he wanted to become a police officer.
Which isn't a good thought, is it?
"Ah, Im sure I'll find a better reason." Drillon said out loud, replying to himself. "I'll just lie to myself untill its true."
Drillon then realize he had reached his destination. Infront of him is one of those Snarlbucks cafè. But not just any Snarlbucks, Drillon wanted to go to this specific Snarlbucks for another reason then just its convenient location.
No, theres a very different reason.
Peering inside thru the glass door, he could see the goat manager talking to the racoon barrista he has seen many times. The place seem to have only just opened, the time on his phone read 5:12 AM. Guess he's the first customer for today.
Feeling the familiar feeling in his chest that resembles guilt, grief and shame with a bit of giddiness rising up, Drillon reached for the door handle and pulled it open.
Stepping inside, Drillon deeply breathed in air, the air was colder then outside, the feeling of said coldness filling his lungs helped in releasing some of the weight in his chest, but only a little.
The goat manager and the raccoon ended theire conversation as he entered, the goat gave him a glance before going throught the double doors leading to the back.
The raccoon however stayed and gave Drillon a polite smile. Suddenly it was very hard to breath.
"Nolan!" The raccon greeted as he reached the counter. "Haven't seen you in a while, its been like a few months since you last came here."
"Six months" 'Nolan' clarified. Nolan was the name he gave her when he first ordered, its no secret that it wasn't his real name. Ever since then he developed this 'Nolan' character that would take over everytime he step into this place, or when he speaks to Sherilynn, he never met her outside of the shop so he's not sure. Althought now that he would be coming in here more often, maybe telling her his real name would be a good idea. "Yeah, it's been a while, i've been..." he quickly glanced at his uniform a few times before finishing his sentence with a shrug. "....busy."
The raccoon gave him an amused look before directing her gaze to where 'Nolan' was indicating, he moved the muscles on his face to make a smile as her eyes widen in realization.
"Oh Nolan! Is that what I think it is?"
"Yup!" 'Nolan' giggled, letting himself express the happines he hope is genuine. "Yes Sheri, Those six months was me training at the academy!"
"Congratulations, im sorry I didn't noticed earlier," Sheri waved her paw to 'Nolan's' coat. "Your coat kind of covered it."
"Heh, sorry." Drillon haven't fully processed that he has officially became a police officer and being congratulated by someone else made it easier for the fox to acknowledge the achievement, even if he's not exactly friends with the kind barista, just a regular customer.
And Xander's congratulations earlier, while appreciated, felt like flimsy thin sheet of wood. Whatever that means.
"So," leaning a bit on the counter, Drillon felt himself slipping more into the 'Nolan' persona. "I would like to order a-" a sudden weight fell on his chest, one he couldnt tell what it was, distracting him. "-uhm..."
Sheri gave him an expectant look, "Your usual?" She slowly prompted.
"Yeah- um yeah," He could feel the familiar static crawling at the back of his head, his jaw slightly trembling. Making him stutter.
Sheri must have noticed this as she gave him a- a look? He could feel his tongue moving. Was he saying something? His tongue feels foreign, he wants to bite off his tongue.
He cant feel his tongue.
Drillon heard her talking, he hear the words, he understands what she was asking, but he's mind cant seem to register what she said. But his body seemed to, as he felt his paw move to tap the glass containing the pastries. Tapping his digit to one. The one he wants. The one he chose.
Sheri was talking again. He doesn't feel the cold glass on his paw, he just feel sand.
He cant hear anything. Everything sounds so distant. So fast, too slow. Static fills his mind, it sounds like a bee.
Drillon moved his tongue, he moved his teeth, he's trying to speak, but he's pressing his tongue too hard. Trying to speak without moving.
He felt his back pressed on something, he was sitting, his clothes feels like sand where fur and fabric are pressed together.
There was a heavy feeling on his shoulder, like someone's paw was on it. He can tell a pastry was placed on the table infront of him. It smells warm, too cold for his lungs.
His head feels like sand is being poured on it.
He can still see. The colours dont seem right. The walls are made of styrofoam.
Everything is real.
The Cafè is real. A box floating in the void. He should get out, before the world outside is gone.
Drillon turn to look outside the, the window.
To look outside.
It's pitchblack. He cant see outside. White dots appear in the dark the longer he stares. Static creeps into his vision. He needs to go out.
He felt his shoulders moving, but his upper arms are too much. The forearms are in pain. His paws dont feel like they exist.
He was getting up, everything felt like sand. He was being buried by sand. Black and white sand.
Cold.
Something cold was pressing to the side of his head. The only thing he can feel throught the thick sand.
He was turning. Was he moving? No he's not. He's just, moving.
All he sees is static. Like, television static.
No, he can see Sheri. Sheri? She's Sheri. Thats Sheri.
The cold on the side of his head dissapeared, then reappeared on the top of his head. Wet, he can feel the cold. The cold is wet. Its, its water. Cold water.
He feels his body again, when did he lost it? His body was heaving like he was running.
The static was clearing, no thinning, he can see eyes.
He was half standing up from something. His lungs were moving. His surroundings came back to him. His body was moving backwards. He pressed his back to the glass window, feeling in his face returned.
He quickly assess what was happening, he still can't see. No he can see, his mind is just not registering his vision. He moved his eyes left and right. He doesnt know what he's seeing, but he slowly felt his concious mapping out the area. He's sitting at the table nearest to the counter, with his back pressed againts the window.
He can see throught the static now, on his side is the table, with the pastry on top of a pl- plate. Infront of him...
Infront of him was a concern looking Sheri. Sherylinn? Sheri.
Looking at him.
Instictually he took control of his facial muscles, preparing to change his tense expression. But he thought againts it, maybe keeping his face as it is a better idea, it fits Nolan's character more. Besides, she has already seen what happened, she must have helped him moved to the chair, or did he moved there by himself? No he's aware that it was Sheri who brought him here.
His mind finally heard what she was saying before. Althought he felt as if he already heard it the whole time as a fact.
His ears flicked, she's talking again.
"It's alright Nolan, its just me, Sheri." She repeated in a gentle voice.
Drillon, 'Nolan', spread his awareness to his jaw, feeling the muscles move. "Yes." He thought he stuttered. "Yes Sh- yes im fine."
He doesnt understand, why did he hesitated on saying her name?
Drillon has a suspicion he knows why.
"Nolan? Nolan!" Sheri was snapping her digits.
"Huh? Uh yes. Im- im back."
"Good." She moved to sit on the other side of the table opposite of him and handed him his drink.
Drillon stared at the cup, and remembered the cold feeling on his head. "Did you, did you put the cup on my face?"
"Yes, I did." She said firmly. Nola- Drillon heard her tone, but couldnt recognize it, which slightly frustrated him, he usually can read a mammal's tone easily, it gives him insight on the speaker for him to plan. He must still be frazled from what happened.
"Thanks, that, that helped" Drillon pretended to stumble over his words out of habit. "It uh, it really helped. Thanks"
Sheri gave him a look, a look he cant read with the static still faintly covering his eyes. "Sure."
The static was coming back, Sheri was sitting next to the window, the pitchblack outside triggering it. Should the outside still be pitchblack?
Drillon looked away, aware how Sheri might missintepret it, maybe thats good, let her see him as a nervous wreck for now.
'Why am I thinking so much? Im getting fed up by the sound of my own thoughts.'
The silence that folowed was loud, too loud and too quiet. Its loud, its silent, no, if this keeps going he would start hearing the static again.
Luckily Sheri broke the silence, like glass breaking, but way too silent, wrong.
"You want to..." Sheri tilted her head, is she trying to make herself look as non-threatening as possible? What he's going throught isn't something like that. "...talk about it?"
"Umm uh, no-" his gut dissagreed with him. "Yes-" his mouth dissagreed with him. "-actually I-" his tongue didn't like that. "-bleh."
Sherylinn looked amused, but Drillon can also see the concern in her eyes. Why? He barely knew her. He felt guilty, some part of him believe his messed up words was subconciously intentional.
Was that a word?
Drillon roughly shook his head and said, " Its gone now, I dont know why it happened. The last time this... happened was years ago."
He had calmed down, completely. So it was a suprised when he heard his own voice. He sounded nervous, brisk and hesitant.
Was it another faux tone? He's lying to himself again, his mind thinks he's calm, his heart wasn't. His mind was disconnected from it.
"Nolan, are you sure you can go to work today?"
Drillon looked up to Sheri, feeling his mind focusing back on the raccoon, like a cassette tape reeling back its film.
"Yeah im fine," waving a flippant paw, he added, " im not usually like this-" tilting his head to the window, before immediately flicking his eyes back at Sherylinn, "I'm sure when I finally get to work I'll be-"
Drillon stopped, he's being weirdly animated. Very unlike 'him'.
Sheri had a look on her face that Drillon's frazled mind couldn't decipher, but he can tell she had noticed how un-Nolan he was acting. But before she could say anything the front entrance opened.
A customer entered.
Drillon wanted to feel relief, but nothing came. All he feels is cold sweat.
Sherrylinn glanced back and forth between the customer and Drillon, seemingly debating something for a second, before getting up and heading towards the counter, but not before giving him another look.
The fox knew she wanted to continue this conversation, but Drillon can't take being in here much longer, he needed to get out.
As soon as the barrista turned around to make the drinks, Drillon shoved the pastry in his maw and quietly slid of the chair, his drink in hand.
The incredibly short walk from his table to the door felt agonizingly long, each haggard breath he took filled his lungs with the cold air, but now instead of calming him, it just felt painfull.
Drillon didn't stop after the entrance closed behind him, he was sure Sherylinn has noticed by now, and kept walking towards the precint.
He's walking slowed as he gets further away from the cafè, manually moving his legs one by one to a slower pace.
The vulpine stopped and took a deep breath, urging his panic to go away and make the swarm of bees in his head vanish.
Breath in, breath out, yada yada.
Drillon groaned, feeling a bit annoyed how annoyed his thought sounded. It's not his fault none of it seemed to help.
Drillon lazily thought how weird it is to be annoyed by his own inner voice, staring at his cup-
Oh sweet cheese and crackers, the fox groaned again, deeper this time, tired pink eyes staring at the sky.
He forgot to pay.
And he cant just go back in now can he?
He's gonna have to wait for tomorrow.
Drillon sighed.
Today is going to be a really long day.