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Yoshiki stares at the bug that hides underneath the leaves, twitching in between his feet. It huddles and moves its antenna in pain. Yoshiki holds out his hand and carefully offers shelter in the warm cradle of his fingers.
“Eww!” Asako shivers overdramatically. “Why are ya letting it crawl on ya like that? That thing’s nasty!”
Yoshiki simply observes the creature in his hands. Its torn wings, the fading colors that reveal an intricate pattern long forgotten by time. Its ever attentive compound eyes that begin to cease working.
“It's dying.”
“Really?” Yuuki has her hand close to her mouth, leaning forward to look at the animal but also not daring to come closer. “That’s morbid.”
“I guess.” He pokes gently.
“Ya like that kinda stuff, huh?” Asako teases.
Yoshiki shrugs.
“Ya know… This...” He nods to his hand. Then, to a bush nearby, full of blossoming flowers and striking blue butterflies. “... Is the same as those.”
“Whaat?” She stares at both, alternating between the two multiple times. “How?”
“When you find em’ ugly like this it means they are old. This one’s been through it.”
“So, when I find pretty butterflies laying around…”
“They probably died unexpectedly.”
“Oh noo!” Asako cries out loud. Yuuki pats her back.
“There, there…”
“Let go of it, Yoshiki, just let it die!”
He watches as the being in his hand slowly stops moving. In these last few moments, he holds it close and witnesses its existence. Missing parts, tired limbs, old mechanisms.
He can’t grasp how this can be so terrible. He himself doesn’t enjoy the concept of death, but to despise the ugliness, that is entirely different. Is it really that bad? Couldn’t it be the most beautiful thing on earth to be allowed to become ugly?
When all that’s left is a tiny shell of a living creature, he places it on a branch. His eyes linger on it for a couple more seconds before he clears his throat.
“Come on, let’s go.”
***
Yoshiki breathes in. The cool night air circles through his lungs, cleansing his soul. He lets his body fall back, laying on the wooden floorboards. With his eyes closed, he pays attention to the symphony of crickets, frogs and mosquitoes.
“Are ya sleepy already?” Hikaru pokes him with his foot. “It’s still so early!” He chuckles at the lack of response.
“Gimme a break.” Yoshiki stays completely still. He can still feel the gentle movement of water, rocking him back and forth. As much as he enjoys it, his muscles are always tired after spending time in the river.
“Hah, are ya even alive?” Hikaru reverts his gaze back to the yard, to the damp grass and occasional fireflies.
Yoshiki watches him.
His familiar face, the way his skin wrinkles as he smiles. His presence. Even after everything, all the ugly sides of him he’s seen, Yoshiki still sees beauty there. Could this be wrong? Could this be nasty?
A high-pitched screech comes from inside the house. Kaoru bursts out of the bathroom, hair completely wet as well as her skin. She forces Yoshiki up and shakes his shoulders.
“Yoshiki! Yoshiki!”
“What is it?” He somehow sounds even closer to sleep now.
“Another ghost?” Hikaru jumps up.
“No!” Her voice cracks. “A frog! Someone get it, please!”
“Oh.” Yoshiki brushes his bangs away from his eyes. He lazily stands up. “Ok, let me take care of it.”
They all walk to the bathroom. Yoshiki spots it behind the door — a greenish brown frog with spots on its back. It’s pretty big.
“How did ya even get all the way here?” Yoshiki bends down, slowly so as to not startle the little guy.
“Here, use this.” Kaoru hands him a plastic bag, extending her arm as far as possible to keep her distance. Hikaru snickers, relaxedly leaning against the doorframe.
“No need...” Yoshiki holds the frog with his bare hands. Its wet skin is cold against Yoshiki’s. He places his fingers and thumb on opposite sides of its body, careful not to grab its stomach.
“Eww!” On her toes, Kaoru moves her feet up and down. “Aren’t these things venomous or somethin’?”
“Not venomous.” Yoshiki walks out of the bathroom. “Maybe poisonous, but only if you lick em’ or scratch your eyes with yer hands dirty.”
“Yea, we used to catch frogs all the time!”
“You used to catch frogs.” Yoshiki smiles. “You hillbilly.”
Just as he is about to step out of the house, Yoshiki feels a slimy texture go down his arm. A little cold. Definitely smelly.
“Oh my god… I might throw up.” Kaoru places her hand on top of her mouth.
“Whoah!” Hikaru laughs out loud, pinching at his nose. “Nasty! Is that poo or pee?”
“I’ll be in my room.” Just like that, Kaoru’s gone.
Yoshiki carries on, vaguely bothered by the little accident. Hikaru follows him to the yard. They step on the grass, breathing in an earthy scent. Yoshiki looks for a good enough place to leave the animal.
“It’s a defense mechanism, y’know? She’s scared.”
“She?”
“I think it’s a female.” Yoshiki finds a nice puddle further into the grass. He kneels down, taking one last look at the frog.
“How do ya know?” Hikaru mimics him, coming closer. Their shoulders touch.
“I’m no expert, but…” For his own sanity, Yoshiki shifts to get an ounce of personal space. “Females are usually larger. And they have no, um, vocal sacs. Also no pads in their thumbs.”
“I see…” Hikaru watches closely. His red pupils are strikingly more visible in the shadows. “I didn’t even know they could be scared.”
Hikaru supports his chin on his hand. His gaze is still focused. Yoshiki lets the frog go and she immediately hops off somewhere else. They lose sight of her pretty quickly as she jumps from place to place.
After a few minutes, they are back inside watching TV. Yoshiki’s on the couch, now with his arms clean, and Hikaru sits on the floor. He stuffs his mouth with popcorn.
Hikaru yawns, leaning his head on Yoshiki’s knee. Yoshiki feels as if the contact is ten times more warm than it should be. It creates a heat that goes up from his leg all the way to his face. As much as he feels the urge to get up, he somehow can’t move. Instead, he leans forward to get a better look at him.
On days like this, where they just enjoy themselves and for once nothing bad happens, it’s especially hard to remind himself of what Hikaru is. That he’s not truly human. That he can’t even value life like Yoshiki does.
“Y’know, I have the feeling that if a big hairy spider were to crawl on yer leg, ya’d still not kill it.” Hikaru’s voice is slow, the way it always is when he’s sleepy. “Ya’d probably place it outside or somethin’.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Hm… Dunno” He yawns again. “Humans are usually so freaked out by that kinda stuff. Ya saw Kaoru today, anyone would think that’s gross. Or scary.” Hikaru looks up, his face brushing against Yoshiki’s knee. “Yer built different, aren’t cha?”
Yoshiki ponders for a second. His hand moves on its own, finding its place in Hikaru’s hair. He caresses his scalp, moving his thumb in circles. Hikaru closes his eyes, humming at the touch. The glow of the TV outlines his face. Yoshiki swears he sees a vague rose color in his cheeks.
“I guess I like the unwanted creatures.” He keeps petting his head, feeling the soft texture of his short strands being brushed back. “Someone’s gotta.”
“Hm…” Hikaru looks at him with half-lidded eyes. “So that’s why ya like bugs so much.”
Yoshiki recalls the times Hikaru’s catched him watching videos of ants or following dragonflies around with his camera, looking like a fool just to get a good picture.
“Yea, I guess.”
“And why ya still hang out with me?”
Yoshiki’s hand freezes. Suddenly his heart races as if he just ran a mile.
“It’s just-“ He has a hard time swallowing. His eyes hide behind his bangs. “I guess I feel like one of em’ creatures, too.”
Hikaru sits up straight, supporting his arm on the couch.
“Y’know…” Yoshiki concentrates on his hands. “A monster.”
For a couple of moments, all they hear is the sounds coming from the TV. The room feels large, as if Yoshiki is shrinking by the second.
“Well.” Finally, Hikaru lazily bumps his fist on Yoshiki’s arm. He smiles. “That makes the two of us.”
Yoshiki lets out a kind of bittersweet laugh that comes from his core. Hikaru comes closer again, laying his head on his lap.
“We belong together.” His voice seems far away, like he’s deep in slumber.
Yoshiki can’t help but smile at the thought. For as long as he can remember, disgust, desire and love occupy a similar place in his mind. He’s hated himself for it, tried to drown his thoughts and feelings. But looking at it from this angle… Seems simple.
They are simply creatures, and they belong together.