Chapter Text
"Tsukasa, you can't keep doing this to yourself, it's not good for you."
"But I need to become a star... you don't understand!"
"Maybe I don't! But I'm not going to sit here and watch you slowly kill yourself over it!"
"Nobody likes the stars they can't see, Rui. I need to be seen. I need to be perfect."
"You can't be seen if you're dead, Tsukasa!"
Tsukasa didn't start acting like this until around one year ago, just after his troupe became park ambassadors. He thought he had gotten out of that headspace when he joined Wonderlands×Showtime. Unfortunately, he was wrong.
—————————————————————————————————
The morning after the show that got them the ambassador title.
🌟Wondershow🌟
Tsukasa☆
'We're really ambassadors now?'
'That almost feels unreal'
Rui 🎬
'It truly does'
'I'm proud of everyone 😸'
'We've come so far!'
Nene 🎤
'Good job everyone'
Emu💫
'Let's do our best !!'
'For phoenix wonderland !!!'
'🤩🤩'
Tsukasa☆
'Yes, let's!'
Tsukasa sits at his desk, absolutely beaming at the thought that his troupe were seriously ambassadors for their park. He's getting closer to his dream, closer than he ever thought he would. However, the stress was beginning to set in. Everybody knows that stars tend to collapse under enough pressure.
"I've got to do more. We're not just going to be performing at the Wonder Stage anymore. We need to stand out." He immediately begins thinking of shows they could do. Shows that would potentially draw in hundreds— no— thousands of people.
He thinks for hours, eyes never leaving the paper in front of him. Nothing. He's got nothing. He can't think of anything they haven't done before. The only words he was able to scribble down were "Show Ideas".
"Ugh... how does Rui do this?! He can come up with entire shows in seconds! Why... can't I?" He decides to ask his director for some advice.
Tsukasa☆
'Rui'
'I have a question'
Rui 🎬
'Yes?'
Tsukasa☆
'How in the world do you come up with shows so quickly?!'
'I've been sitting here for hours but can't think of anything'
Rui 🎬
'Honesty, I'm not quite sure'
'Ideas just... pop into my head'
'I don't usually actively think of any'
'I'm sorry'
Tsukasa sighs, he should've expected that.
Tsukasa☆
'I see...'
'Thank you anyway'
Rui 🎬
'Are you alright?'
'You're not typically the one to come up with our shows'
'Why the sudden switch?'
Tsukasa☆
'Ahh'
'Well, since we're gonna be more busy from now on, I thought I could try to help come up with ideas...'
'But I don't exactly see that happening at this rate..'
Rui 🎬
'Hehe, thats very nice of you'
'But you don't need to force yourself to do all that'
'I have no problem being the idea man 🙂↕️'
Tsukasa☆
'but... you all have your things... I want to be helpful'
Rui 🎬
'?? But you are helpful?'
'You are quite literally our main actor'
'and our leader, of course'
Tsukasa☆
'that's not what I meant'
'nvm'
'just forget i said anything'
Rui 🎬
'I dont know what's suddenly gotten into you, but I'm always here if you want to talk'
'I'm sure the girls would say the same'
Tsukasa☆
'I know..'
'thanks Rui'
Rui 🎬
'You're very welcome, Tsukasa'
'Please don't stress about this too much, okay?'
-Read 10:34am-
He tosses his phone to the side, scoffing at the final message.
"'Don't stress about this too much'? Seriously? How can I not?! These performances are some of the most important things we are ever going to do! If they aren't perfect... If... I'm not perfect..." With a heavy sigh, he lays his head on the desk, arms crossed underneath him like weirdly shaped pillows.
'What's going on with me...? I thought I didn't care about becoming a star as much as I used to... Am I no longer satisfied with where I am? No, no I can't be. We got here together, so we need to continue on together. Yeah... that's right... together. I can't go around doing things on my own anymore.' He thinks to himself, unaware of the loud knocking on his bedroom door.
"Tsukasa! Are you okay in there?!" Finally hearing his sisters voice, he shoots out of his seat and sprints to the door, opening it faster than ever before.
"Sorry! I didn't hear you... what's up?"
"Finally..! I've been calling for you for almost five minutes now. Is everything okay?" Saki sighs a breath of relief, glad her brother wasn't in any danger.
"Yeah... yeah sorry. I was just working on something and I guess I got too focused... Did you need something?" He felt extremely guilty for making his sister worry.
"I was just up here to tell you that I made some lunch if you want any."
"Lunch?" He turns to look at this clock, 12:42pm. "Oh... I didn't realize how much time had passed... uh... sure, I'll come down. Just give me a moment."
"Okay~! I'll wait at the table."
"Alright, I'll be quick, don't worry." He closes the door and returns to his desk to grab his phone.
"Was I seriously sitting there for two hours? I could've sworn it was only a few minutes... Whatever, I can't be focusing on that right now." He shakes his head, getting himself out of whatever headspace he was stuck in. He makes his way downstairs to the kitchen to join his sister.
He gets to the dining table and takes some of the food onto his plate before sitting down.
"You made all of this?" He asked in surprise at the sheer amount of food on the table.
"I did! I'm trying to get into cooking recently. Let me know what you think~" She hums, she seemed to be very proud of herself.
"Well, I'm sure anything my dear sister makes will be tasty!" He happily takes a bite of the food and was instantly proven correct.
"Well...? How is it..?" She nervously asks.
"It's really good, actually! You should be proud of yourself!" He compliments as he continues stuffing his face.
After a few minutes of silent eating, Saki speaks up.
"By the way, Emu messaged me this morning. You guys are ambassadors for Phoenix Wonderland now?!"
With that question, all of the stress he had shaken off comes shooting back.
"Ah... yes, we are..!"
"Oh? Are you not happy about it?" She tilts her head.
She saw right through him.
'Shit... I totally fumbled that. I'm an actor, for crying out loud! Come on, don't let her know you're stressed. You don't need to worry her.'
"No, no! I am! It's a big step for us! We'll just be very busy for a while, that's all. But, that's nothing your big brother can't handle!" He puts on his typical loud voice and overconfident grin, hoping she can't tell that he doesn't actually believe a single word he just said.
"I know you'll do amazing! I'm happy for you!" She beams. It seems as if it worked.
Just as Tsukasa was about to reply, the girls phone rings.
"Ichi? Huh?! That's today?! Oh, sorry! I'll be right there!" She hangs up jumps out of her chair.
"Sorry, I forgot that I have practice today! I've got to go! You'll be okay by yourself right?" She asks in a hurry.
"Wha—? Oh, yeah! I'll be fine! Have fun!" With that, she grabs the things she needs and sprints out the door without another word.
The second she's out of sight, Tsukasa slouches in his chair with a sigh, smile instantly fading away.
"I can't let her know I'm stressed. She doesn't need to be worried about me... not when she has her own issues to deal with..." He stands up and begins clearing the table in silence before going to the living room and flopping onto the couch.
He stares up at the high ceiling, thinking to himself.
"Show ideas... Show ideas... hmm..."
'Pathetic.'
He springs up into a sitting position, searching for the source of the disembodied voice.
"Huh? Who—?"
'Useless.'
"Who... who's saying that...?"
'You will never become the star you want to be.'
His heart sinks as he realizes something. He knows that voice. It's... his voice.
"Stop saying that...!" He grips his ears in a desperate attempt to shut the voice up, clawing at his head.
'Can't even think of one simple idea for a show. So fucking pathetic.'
"Shut up, shut up...! Shut UP!" His grip gets tighter, his short nails digging far enough to draw blood.
'You're just holding them back, you know?'
"No I... I'm not!"
'You are.'
"Please... please stop... I'm not—"
'You are.'
"I... I am...?" His heart was heavy, pounding out of his chest. All he could let out was shallow breaths. His whole body was shaking.
"I'm... holding them... back...?"
'You need to be perfect. Do more.'
"Need... to be... perfect...?"
"Tsukasa!"
He lets out a panicked gasp as his head shoots up in the direction of a third voice. It was Saki. Why was she back? She's not supposed to be back yet.
"Sa...ki? What...? Why are you—?"
"What happened?! You're bleeding!"
Reality slowly catches up to him. He loosens the death grip he has on his head, blood dripping down his fingers. He stares at his hands, trying to focus his spinning vision. Then, something cold hits his hand, rolling off his palm and down his arm. He's... crying? No, no, no. He can't be crying. Not infront of Saki. He desperately wipes his face, begging the tears to stop. They won't. They're not stopping. This pushes him even further, frustrating him even more. His face was becoming red from the constant friction of his hands mixed with the blood and tears, only making him feel worse.
"Tsukasa, stop...! Please!" Saki screams as she grabs his arms. His movements come to a halt.
He sits there for a moment, staring down at his arms. Sakis hands were becoming dirty from the mess he had made on them. His breathing slows, his vision focuses, he finally comes back. He slowly looks up to meets his sisters eyes. She wasn't crying, but she was terrified.
"Saki... why... are you back?"
"That's not important right now. What happened to you?!
"I'm not... I don't know..."
Saki sighs, trying to calm her own breath.
"Stay here. I'll be right back." She gets up and quickly disappears into the hallway.
'It all went wrong. This wasn't supposed to happen. She wasn't supposed to see that. She's not supposed to see her brother being anything but—'
"Perfect..." He whispers. He wasn't perfect. Nothing about that disgusting scene was even remotely close to being perfect. He felt almost... empty.
"Here, let me clean you up, okay?" He didn't even notice Saki had come back. She carefully brings a tissue to his head, attempting to wipe the blood off of his golden yellow hair.
He wants to push her away, tell her to stop, to leave him alone, but... it's Saki. He can't do that to her. Not after she had to see all of that. So, he lets her.
He flinches in pain as the damp tissue touches the newly opened wounds, hissing at the sting.
"I know, I know... just hold on..." His sister comforts, holding his hand as she finishes wiping away as much of the blood as she can. After his head was clean, she moves to his arms to repeat the process. The entire time, they were silent. Neither of them were sure how to even begin talking about what happened. When she's finished cleaning him off, she decides his head doesn't need any bandages as the bleeding had stopped.
She puts the first aid kit on the coffee table and remains seated in front of Tsukasa. She wants to ask. She needs to ask. It might only get worse if she doesn't. She takes a deep breath before speaking.
"So... do you want to tell me what happened?"
Tsukasa weakly shakes his head. He can't tell her. There's no way in hell he can tell her about the voices.
"But... if somethings bothering you enough to do this... you should tell someone."
"No... no I'm fine—"
"You're not!" She snaps. "Don't even try to tell me that you are, either! Not when just a few minutes ago you looked like you got attacked by some feral animal! So—!" She takes a moment to calm her breathing, not wanting to yell any more than she needs to. "So please. What happened?"
Tsukasa stares at his sisters terrified face. That's his fault. It's his fault she looks like that. The least he could do was tell her the cause, no? She doesn't need to know about the voices.
"I'm... sorry... Saki."
"You don't have to be sorry... I just want to know what could've caused you to do this..."
"Ahh... I guess... being ambassador is... a lot more stressful than I thought... even though we haven't even done anything yet.." He forces out an awkward chuckle, unable to believe just how dramatic he was.
"Why don't you... not... do it then?"
His eyes widen at the ridiculous question.
"No! No, I need to! I... I have to..." He slumps back into the couch, the empty feeling coming back.
"Okay, okay. I understand... just... please don't push yourself. I don't want this to happen again..."
'Don't push myself...? That's all I know how to do.'
Despite knowing he can't make his sisters wish come true, he nods his head. He just wants her to stop worrying. Even if that means lying.
"You promise?" She begs.
'Promise...? No, no no... I can't promise anything. Stars never break their promises... and... in order to become a star... this one would need to be broken...'
"P-promise..." He did it anyway. He made a promise. Even though he knows he's going to break it. He's the worst.
With that, she finally smiles again. "Thank you. I think I'll stay home today, just incase."
"No, go to practice... I'll be fine. I think... I'll go for a walk or something..." He wants to be alone. That's all he wants.
"Are you s—"
"Yes, Saki." He cuts her off, his tone a bit more stern than he wanted it to be. "You need to go to practice before they worry."
She sighs, giving in.
"Okay... I'll go. I'll be back around 6, okay? Call me if you need anything, please?" She stands up, and puts her hand on his shoulder, waiting for an answer.
"...I will. Thank you." His eyes look everywhere but his sister, he's too ashamed to look at her.
"Alright. I'm leaving... and... Tsukasa?"
"...Yeah?"
"You know I love you, right?"
'Not that. Not that stupid question again.' He hates when people say that— acting as if it would just make him happy upon hearing it.
He simply nods, wanting her to just leave already. He loves his sister, anyone can see that, but sometimes... he just doesn't want to be around anyone. Not around his friends, his parents, not even Saki. Especially not Saki. He doesn't need her worrying about him.
Seeing his response, she finally exists the house leaving him alone once again.
"Ugh... I can't believe that just happened...I really am pathetic, aren't i...?" He groans, more embarrassed than he's ever been before.
He lets himself melt into the couch, refusing to move. His head was pounding, it hurt so, so much. Before he knew it, he had fallen asleep.
'Hey, Rui! I have an idea for—'
'You? You have an idea? Shocking.'
'...What?'
'Well, considering every idea you had before was... not great... I thought you had given up on that.'
'Rui... I thought you liked my ideas...'
'Did you? Oh my dear you were sorely mistaken...'
'But... you're the one who told me to share more...'
'Yeah, that was before I realized just how shitty they actually are.'
'...What are you trying to say...?'
'Just give up, Tsukasa. Stick to what you're good at, yeah?'
'And that would be...?'
'Oh right... I forgot... you're not actually good at anything other than being loud.'
'Being... loud...? What about my acting?!'
'Mediocre at best. Sorry, but that's the truth. You just aren't cut out to be a star, Tsukasa. You never will be.'
Tsukasa wakes up with a choked cry, desperate to get out of that nightmare. At least, he was praying it was only a dream, it felt too real. To anyone else, such a reaction would be seen as an over-exaggeration, but to Tsukasa? That was equal to someone stabbing him and twisting the knife just because they find his cries entertaining.
Trying to come back to reality, he quickly grabs this phone to message Rui, needing to confirm the dream wasn't real.
With trembling fingers, he manages to text his director.
Tsukasa☆
'Ruu'
'Rui'
'pleade answr'
'fuck'
'please answer'
Rui 🎬
'Hey, everything okay?'
'You rarely make typos'
'Or swear...?'
Tsukasa☆
'ideas'
'do u like mne?'
'mine'
Rui 🎬
''Ideas?'
'Your show ideas?'
'Of course I do, you've had some very interesting ones'
'You're still caught up on that?'
Tsukasa☆
'wht abiut my actign'
'acting'
Rui 🎬
'Your acting is perfectly fine'
'Seriously, what's going on with you?'
With those confirmations, he starts to relax. His hands stop shaking and his breathing returns to normal.
Tsukasa☆
'thank you...'
'sorry about that..'
'i just... got lost in my thoughts'
'im fine now'
Rui 🎬
'You sure?'
'Like I said this morning, you can always talk to me..'
Tsukasa☆
'I remember'
'I'm fine now though, really'
'im sorry for worrying you..'
Rui 🎬
'I know you're lying to me'
'but'
'If you really don't want to tell me... I won't force you to.'
'I'll wait until you're ready'
Tsukasa☆
'Thanks, Rui'
'I appreciate it'
Rui 🎬
'Anytime, my dear leader'
'😸'
Tsukasa once again tosses his phone to the side.
"Seriously... what the hell is wrong with me... This can't keep happening. What do I need to do to make it stop..?" He contemplates with a sigh. He can't deal with this anymore for one day. He'll deal with those problems when they come up again. He can't dwell on this any longer.
He'll deal with it tomorrow.