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The bright lights of the weight room were spinning by the time Cullen finished his set. He’d purposefully worked himself to the point of exhaustion, hoping to drive away the anxiety that had settled in his chest over the past few days.
For several long minutes, he lay on the mat trying to catch his breath. His stamina was lessened lately; he could do as many reps as ever, but he was short at least two sets even though his muscles trembled with exhaustion. He had to wonder if this was how his withdrawal would finally manifest: the slow decay of his muscles before his mind, leaving him a drooling idiot who couldn’t even defend himself.
It was exceptionally depressing.
When his limbs felt solid again, he pushed himself up. The scavenger hunt was today, in less than an hour actually, and he had to take a shower. And maybe eat something, he reminded himself, thinking of Cassandra’s lecture than morning. The Seeker encouraged him to keep himself well-fed, even if he wasn’t hungry, and to stay hydrated as his symptoms worsened. Cullen knew she meant well, even if “well-fed” to her felt like more food than anyone should ever eat to him.
He plodded through the kitchen in search of an apple before heading for the shower. If he passed out in the bathroom, he’d never hear the end of it.
The bathrooms were empty this time of day, much to Cullen’s relief. While Iron Bull or Blackwall wouldn’t care if he was dropping sweat or still panting, he didn’t want Talia to see. It was bad enough that he’d embarrassed himself during their yoga session earlier in the week; he didn’t want to scare her off entirely.
He wiped his face with the tail end of his shirt as he made for the nearest shower. Deserted or not, the bathroom was a high-traffic area, and he still didn’t feel comfortable showing off all his scars to the cameras. The design of the showers themselves was meant to provide privacy, and so Cullen stepped in and locked the stall door before he tugged his shirt over his head.
He finished stripping slowly, pausing to rub out a cramp in his calf as he dumped his shorts on the floor. Just this once, he’d remembered to grab a fresh shirt and jeans from his room, and these he laid on the bench just outside the shower itself. It was set up like the barracks where he’d once lived, a towel rack and bench to keep the important stuff dry separate from the shower itself. Smirking to himself, he noted that he had much more attractive roommates now than his Templar brothers, and that was a definite improvement.
Thinking of Talia brought a true smile to his face as he cranked up the hot water. Despite not knowing how she felt, he still wanted to kiss her – and if he were honest with himself, she certainly seemed to want to kiss him.
Cullen stepped into the shower as his thoughts strayed back to the afternoon they spent doing yoga. The smirk on his face grew as he remembered doing push-ups just to impress her, knowing it was about all he could do that was beyond her ability. She’d complimented him on his efforts though, despite her being stronger in basically every pose as they’d worked. The poses she could contort herself into were truly amazing, the chance to touch her skin even more so.
He worked shampoo into his hair as he let memory take over, the vague outdoorsy scent of his soap similar to the grass and sunshine of that afternoon. Her fingertips still tingled across his body if he closed his eyes, the gentle pressure of her hands helping him find his form. The water splashing along his torso carried the same heat as her touch, and he let out a long sigh, relaxing into the warmth as if it were her embrace.
Falling over into her had been a true accident, but Cullen couldn't deny the result. Talia pinned under him, her hands buried in his shirt as he tried not to crush her, it had been all he could do not to kiss her and cling to her and lose himself in her right there on the lawn. His fingers scratched gently across his chest in an attempt to mimic her nails grazing his skin, the water coursing over him fanning his already heated thoughts.
He was half-hard by the time he thought to reign himself in.
With a quick shake, Cullen dragged himself back to the tiny, lonely shower stall. He couldn't possibly have more than fifteen minutes before he needed to be outside for the afternoon's events. Get it together, Rutherford.
He rinsed the suds from his hair quickly, trying to avoid thinking of anything at all, and worked the soap into a lather. What he'd told Iron Bull weeks before had been true: He hadn't masturbated since he'd stepped across Skyhold's threshold. Though he was obviously familiar with the technique, it wasn't something he bothered with too often -- he'd always preferred the real thing to the pale substitution of his own hands, and though he hadn't been in a relationship in years, he'd had his share of stand-alone events.
Those kinds of nights weren't common though. Whether it was because he was too tired from work, or (more often) working too late at the precinct, Cullen rarely made it out to a bar or club or anything in between. In fact, he hadn't slept with anyone since well before he stopped taking lyrium.
The night before he left for Skyhold, he remembered giving himself a half-hearted last-hurrah, plopping himself in a bar with Raleigh and Delrin and a few others from his Templar days. Not one person had looked even remotely interesting enough to bother with, and instead he'd gone home to a shower situation not unlike the one he now found himself in.
As if begging for similar attentions to that night weeks before, his cock throbbed its way into his awareness. Only now, he had someone interesting enough to command his attention -- not just interesting, but kind and funny and hard-working and everything else he never seemed to find in all those bar-dives with his friends.
Talia.
Despite the nagging feeling that he didn't deserve anything even remotely like her attention, Cullen couldn't deny how much he wanted her.
It was far too early to talk of a physical relationship, but all the back and forth with her was starting to make him dizzy. All the weeks of teasing with any kind of confirmation of her feelings, and all the days of tension with little release, gave him lots to wonder and fantasize about here the semi-privacy of the bathroom. He knew it was inappropriate; hell, they'd never kissed, let alone anything else. But his thoughts strayed again, even as he tried to tamp them down, and before long, he was back to thinking about her skin and her hands and how her lips would taste.
His erection throbbed, his lower body tight, and for a moment, Cullen clenched his eyes shut against the water and tried to picture something, anything, else.
When that didn't work, he tried the old Templar trick of flexing his quads as hard as he could, willing the muscles to engorge with blood in lieu of it travelling elsewhere.
It didn't matter -- his thoughts drifted back to Talia no matter how hard he tried to distract himself. The long, tempting line of her neck that begged him to trail kisses along it. The shadow of her cleavage as she lay on the grass after their workout. The soft skin of her hands, her cheeks, any of the myriad of times he'd touched her.
And this time when the pulse of his arousal became too much to ignore, Cullen didn't push it aside.
He cupped himself as he gave up the illusion of washing, wrapping his cock in his fist and pumping it slowly. Closing his eyes, he imagined that it wasn't his own hand engulfing him but Talia's, those talented hands teasing him as she pressed herself against him. The warmth was easy enough to duplicate with the spray of the shower, but it wasn't enough -- there was no weight, no touch, the water could mimic, and so he was left with his own. Perhaps she'd explore him first, learning his body, and he trailed fingertips over his lower abs down to his balls to mimic her searching fingers.
Fully hard now, he let himself go, his cock bobbing gently in the spray of the water as he cupped his sac. He was bigger than average, at least he thought, and studying his dick standing at attention made him suddenly desperate to know what Talia wanted.
What she liked.
He slid his fingers around himself again, one hand still cupping his balls, as he pondered how Talia might touch him. As his eyes drifted closed, he could practically see her smirking at him and knew she'd tease him until he begged her to take him. He thumbed the head gently, enjoying the tingles it sent through him.
A groan slid out before he could bite it back.
He tightened his grip as he pumped a little faster, the desire to let himself enjoy the fantasy warring with the imminent start of the day's events. The last thing he wanted was for someone to come get him, especially when that someone would probably be Talia.
Maybe she'd strip down and step right in with me, he thought, only half-joking, and the heat of it went right to his prick. She'd pull the curtain back, perhaps winking at him as she did, and slide her hands along her body as she joined him. He pictured her gently pinching her own pink nipples before pressing her body against his, and the heat of the water was a poor substitute for the weight of her against him.
He moaned as he imagined her hand sliding down to join his, wrapping her fingers around his to guide him slower or faster, whatever she wanted to tease him, and he'd oblige, anything for her. His hips bucked as he imagined her wrapping one long thigh around his hips, urging him to pick her up and slide his cock home.
He sped up, feeling tension coiling tight in his stomach as he worked himself. One hand abandoned its exploring to brace himself against the shower wall, water running down his shoulders and dripping off his cock as he chased his pleasure.
Talia would wrap her legs around his waist as he held her against the wall, teasing her with the head of his cock while she begged him to fuck her. He'd slowly sink into her, feeling her warmth envelop him, and he cranked the heat of the shower, hoping to mimic even a little of what she'd feel like wrapped around him. Slowly at first, and then gaining speed, he'd rut into her, her heels digging into his backside and her hands scratching at his shoulders as she took him. He wished he knew what she sounded like, what she asked for as he fucked her, what his name sounded like falling from her lips as she gasped and clutched at him.
Perhaps if she'd really been there, Cullen would have been embarrassed by how quickly he found himself nearing release, but at that moment, it didn’t even register. All he think of was how hot and tight she'd feel, how much he wanted to know if her nipples were really as pink and hard as he pictured them, how she'd pant and beg in his ear as she too neared her peak.
He was moaning aloud now, never much of a quiet man in bed. His head came to rest against his hand on the shower stall as his hips bucked, losing their rhythm. A litany of "yes" and "Oh Maker" fell from his lips as he pounded himself, pounded into Talia, and he imagined her voice in his ear, encouraging him on as she whispered how good he felt, how she wanted him to make her come, how she lo--.
Pleasure overwhelmed him at last, and he came with a roar, painting the wall with his spend. The back corner of his mind kept him from calling her name somehow, preserving some scrap of his dignity from the cameras waiting just outside the shower stall.
Chest heaving, he slumped against the shower stall, his mouth open but eyes clenched shut. The cool tile gradually brought him back to reality as his heart rate slowed, and he let go of his cock.
When he could stand, he turned his face into the spray. The heat, once near-overwhelming, was starting to dissipate, and that meant he was late for the scavenger hunt.
He didn't care.
The moment should have been embarrassing, and in months or years past, it might have been. But as he stood under the water, letting it wash away his sweat and shame, Cullen felt better than he had in a long time. He knew what he wanted, and it wasn't just sex -- it was something more, wrapped up in his chest and soul and everything else, and he couldn't wait for it to start.
He soaped himself up again, moving fast to make up for lost time. Maybe today he could finally find Talia and spend some time with her. Maybe today he could finally muster up the courage to tell her how he felt, and maybe today he could finally kiss her.
He just had to get out of the shower first.