Chapter Text
Like any other kid, at High School, Eduardo’s worst nightmare was being excluded from the group. He engaged in activities that the majority of boys his age did, such as making fun of each other and/or teachers (which Eduardo sucked at; he was too sentimental for that), chasing girls, talking about sports and porn and frequenting bars with a fake id.
It’s not as if he couldn’t enjoy it. But Eduardo blamed his precocity on the fact that nothing could be more interesting to him than talking to people. Eduardo loved reading into them, finding out their inner selves, unraveling intricate feelings and thoughts. And since boys his age didn’t like doing it in general, Eduardo’s best friend during his whole High School years had been a girl – Angela.
Angela had a very strong, straight forward personality. Eduardo watched in awe as she spoke her mind without caring who listened, and sometimes it could be intimidating. Even if he admired her, Eduardo knew he would never function like this; he cared too much about what people thought of him.
So, many times between classes, instead of playing football with the other kids or trying to smoke without getting caught, Eduardo would sit by the stairs with Angela. Hours could go by without him noticing. At first, people had mercilessly teased them with comments about them being a couple, which made Eduardo blush and pissed Angela off, every time they were seen in a corner paying such attention to each other. Then, as time went by and nothing changed, everyone accepted with reluctance that it wasn’t the case.
And the thing was, the only thing they did was actually exchanging ideas about life in general. They talked about their dreams, about people, about novels, movies and TV shows. Really; Eduardo didn’t know a single boy his age who could actually hold a conversation for that long, and this girl was the first person that made Eduardo want to share his thoughts. She was really nice to talk to; she listened, and there was kindness along with her cutting honesty. Girls matured sooner than boys, anyway.
He obviously felt out of place because of his tastes, without even needing the boys to pick on him all the time because he'd rather have a nice chat with a girl than hook up with her. On the other hand, Eduardo sensed he had something special. Somehow, even at such an early age, he already saw the value of having such a bond with someone.
For some reason, his father didn’t seem to approve of their friendship. He had told Eduardo he should have male friends, had asked what was it that he did with her, and when Eduardo said that they only talked, his father had given him a cold, scrutinizing glare. He always made Eduardo hang up the phone in the middle of their talk, and Eduardo didn’t like bringing her to his house, because his father was unpleasant when he did. It’s not that he openly mistreated the girl, but he wouldn’t even look at her face, wouldn’t talk to her properly. He tried to forbid Eduardo of going to her house, but his mother, thank God, had interfered in his defense.
One day, Eduardo had woken up late and didn’t even look at himself in the mirror before running to school. Later, at lunch break, Angela had pulled a comb from her bag and combed his hair, making fun of him because it was pointing to all directions. She even gave it a special treatment, arranging it to cover a part of his forehead instead of completely pulling it to the side, as Eduardo usually did. When she was finished, she grabbed a small mirror and showed him the result. Eduardo smiled, pleased.
When he returned to his place, he opened his book and there was a small, kneaded paper that read: you faggot.
Eduardo flinched and looked around. No one was looking. He felt as if his skin was shrinking. He had a clue of who had done it. There was this kid, the one that had been the most insistent about picking at Eduardo because of his friend. Many people had done it, but this kid was kind of a leader, and Eduardo had always sensed something more aggressive on him, in the way he spit the words, the way he looked at them with malice and anger.
He was also the boy Eduardo had a crush in. He didn’t understand why; the boy was always rude, he was a bully, really. After the incident, which Eduardo mentioned to no one, he thought he would at least get over his crush. Indeed, he felt less delusional. Still, he couldn’t help stealing glances now and then.
In the second year of high school, Angela left the town.
Eduardo had people he enjoyed hanging out with. People had always caught his interest and he was relatively outgoing, despite his insecurities, so it was a rare thing for him to be on his own. Still, he had no one as close to him as she had been; someone to call just to talk about whatever. He just couldn’t find himself being intimate with anyone else in his class.
So, it was a matter of time before he started feeling awfully alone, even if he was frequently invited to parties and group meetings.
School was getting harder; there were still two years until college but his father was demanding that Eduardo exceeded everyone else with his studies. His father didn't seem to have any other reason to talk to Eduardo except for this one, and his mother pretended it was normal. Eduardo had tried for an open relationship with his father, mostly when he was younger. It's not as if he believed his father didn't care; it was just that his father always looked at him as if Eduardo was speaking a foreign language every time he tried telling him something personal, something aside studies and professional life. Still, Eduardo believed he'd get what he wanted from his father, eventually. When he made him proud enough.
He had gotten over the ridiculous crush on that jerk and now he had developed a new one for a guy that sometimes was his partner at physical education. This one appeared to be smart and funny and was all patient with Eduardo’s terrible moves at sports, always attempting to teach him, which would make this crush healthier than the previous one. Except the guy happened to have a girlfriend.
So, knowing it couldn’t be helped, Eduardo tried to focus on his studies. He didn’t become antisocial or anything, because it wasn’t his nature, but he started going out less, especially when he knew the guys only intended on getting wasted and nothing else.
Eduardo wouldn’t dread family reunions so much if it wasn’t for the unavoidable aunt with her unoriginal inquire: what do you want to study at college, and, any girlfriends yet, as if she didn’t ask the same questions every fucking time. When Eduardo politely replied that no, no girlfriends, his cousin, who was fifteen like him, said, me neither, though if I was smart and slim like you, I wouldn’t be single for sure!
Eduardo laughed and told her she was beautiful and smart, because he really thought so. His cousin had a strong presence for someone her age and he admired her a lot.
But her words kept stuck in his mind. Slim. No one had ever said it to him as a compliment; his mother always worried that he was thin.
Eduardo liked looking at himself in the mirror; he didn’t consider himself stunning or anything, he just thought he was at least a little attractive. But he had never linked the idea to being thin.
He got home and felt the urge to look at himself. Eduardo stood in front of the full body mirror at the back of his wardrobe. He was slim, indeed. And his dark pants and jacket really suit him. Carefully removing his clothes, he studied his body with new criticism. Yeah, he looked good. He had lean, long limbs and narrow hips and waist.
Maybe he should stay like this. Maybe that guy would notice him if he became even more slender?
Eduardo had never paid attention to his diet before. He ate tons of junk food like any kid his age, but at home his mother had always made him eat a healthy diet. Still, Eduardo was startled at how fast he was able to change his eating habits. At home it was easier, but when he went out, he started ordering salads. Plus, he asked his mother to join a gym.
For some reason, at the same time, it became somehow easier to focus on his studies. Eduardo found himself studying hours a day and getting excellent grades. Soon, he became the first in his class and suddenly, he realized that he was competing over the place with the other couple of nerds in his class.
The first feeling that got to him was the ecstasies of having absolute control over his mind and body. It made him feel powerful, like he could do whatever he wanted.
The first five pounds came down quickly. He was thinner than he had ever been. For some reason, though, Eduardo just couldn’t stop there. He craved more of that feeling of being unbeatable. He had to lose more weight. And he had to keep the best grades, because he was better than all those stupid kids in his class.
For the first time, Eduardo became familiar with his aggressive side he had never really acknowledged. The strength of it frightened him. He'd look at his classmates and think, who the hell are these people. He'd look at his own father and fight the urge to talk back every time.
On a weekend, his cousin asked him to accompany her to a dance club. She was the only person who knew of his liking for boys and the place she went to were always gay friendly, Eduardo knew. He thought, yeah, why not, and dressed in tight jeans and black jacket, an idea vaguely crossing his mind.
Eduardo had never openly flirted with a guy, but tonight, he believed he had nothing to lose. When someone caught his eye, a man that was probably at least ten years older, he kept making eye contact. The guy kept staring back as he danced. Eduardo started moving languidly, with the intent of seducing. He rocked his lips, lifted his arms above his head, shook his head. He felt sexy, especially because there was a good amount of alcohol running through his veins.
The guy came behind Eduardo and whispered something in his ear, making him feel ecstatic with anticipation.
The guy pressed Eduardo against a sink in the bathroom and kissed him, hot and urgent, nothing but the physical electricity of body against body. Almost immediately, he was pulling Eduardo closer and rubbing against him. It was obvious he wanted to show Eduardo his hardness and Eduardo suddenly froze. The guy was drunk with lust, panting, hands grabbing at Eduardo's waist and going down, opening his waistband. Other hand came to Eduardo's and pressed it against his own hardness.
All he could do was squeeze and stroke as the same was done from him. Eduardo swallowed his urge to run from there and did his best to finish quickly, as the guy seemed blissfully unaware of his panic.
Eduardo left the club feeling nauseous. All night, images of the guy grabbing him kept flashing through his mind, images of the guy's desperate, lustful eyes and hands and mouth, and for some reason it seemed so ugly. He couldn't tell what went wrong; Eduardo had been attracted to this guy. But Eduardo didn't like it; the primal urge, the animal, bestial desire he had seen. It had disgusted him.
And this was how this world functioned; what moved this world. Physical needs. The body had physical needs and there was no escaping and people were slaves to them. It controlled everyone. That man, a total stranger, had been hungry for Eduardo's skinny frame, as if he was a piece of meat. Eduardo had wanted him too. It had felt good being wanted, having a man hold him like that, until things actually happened.
Eduardo scrutinized himself in the mirror. It shamed him. This long, graceless body that dragged his ridiculous mind through this world. His delusional mind that sometimes believed people were stupid, when he was the stupid one; thinking himself special and smart, when he couldn't make more than one friend, had only impossible crushes and kept dreaming one would become true. Thinking himself so good for seducing a hot guy only to feel like shit afterwards. So stupid, always running to his father to say things like see, I got an A, and, teacher told me my essay was awesome, even knowing he wouldn't get more than you don't have other duties aside from studying, so that's expected. And it was true.
The only one thing he ever did well was losing weight.
He reduced even more his intake. He started weighing himself with more frequency, until he was doing it every day. Why did it feel so good to lose? It was intoxicating, it made him want to eat even less, to put his limits to proof.
With each extra pound lost, the obsession consumed him further, to the point that it was mind numbing. The small amount of strength left on him was used to study. Eduardo didn’t even notice when he stopped thinking about Angela, dreaming with his crush, or worrying about anything whatsoever.
People started talking. His mother came to him. Eduardo panicked; she couldn’t know. He told her he lost weight because he was running. She made him promise to eat more. That night, she kept serving him more food at dinner and Eduardo had no option but to eat.
God, he felt awful. All that food was inside him now, the guilt was consuming him, he was burning with shame, and he’d have to run hours to burn all those calories, and what the hell was happening to him?
Eduardo ran upstairs to his bathroom and purged for the first time. It was a terrible discomfort and gross. After, he felt high. He was so relieved to get rid of the food.
Now that he had found this trick, he’d never have to feel bad again.
Eduardo became distant from people. He rarely went out, afraid of being forced to eat. And he was always so angry. He even yelled at his father once, something he had never done before. At meal times, he always fought with his parents. At school, he easily lost his temper; his classmates pissed him off only by existing. Their noises, their games, everything was stupid. Nothing made sense. Nothing mattered. And no one cared anyway.
He had lost twenty pounds. His second year of high school was over. Next year he’d go to college.
Only one thing worried him: how was he going to hide his eating habits from his parents during vacation? The first week was hard; he had to eat breakfast with them. And then, something weird occurred; one day, he was particularly hungry after a long run. He came home and ate more than he had planned. And suddenly, he couldn’t stop. He ate everything in his sight, and it was overwhelming, because it felt incredibly good, God, and he ate things he had not tasted for months, but at the same time he knew he wouldn’t be ok after that. Each bite was swallowed with punishing guilt and shame, and still he went on. He hardly chewed, actually; he just gulped the food down.
Eduardo went to his room, cried and purged. Then, he returned to the kitchen, attacked the food again, ran to the bathroom and purged once more.
From that day on, it happened at least twice a week. He’d load himself with food, panic and purge. Even when he didn’t eat so much, he still purged. Eduardo was afraid it would lead to weight gain, but it didn’t. Soon, he became used to these behaviors, as the purging always made him feel better regardless of how much he ate. He was in control again.
So, now, he could eat well in front of anyone and just take care of it after.
On the second week, Angela called him and asked if he wanted to travel with her and some friends. At first, he panicked. How could he keep his diet on a trip? But even through all his apathy, he still missed her.
Angela’s eyes widened when she saw him. Eduardo gave her the same excuse of being a runner now, but she kept suspicious. They were staying in a house by the beach that belonged to her family. On the supermarket, Angela raised an eyebrow at his choice of fruits and veggies, and said, ‘really?’, but didn’t press anymore.
Angela’s friends were nice, but he was awfully jealous of them. Back at school, he had been too attached to her, so it was kind of painful to see a bunch of people who were in touch with her more than he was. Many times, Eduardo found himself angry for not having her undivided attention. Besides, he felt terribly self-conscious; his obsession with staying thin had drained all his focus and it had been a long time since he had hanged out with people. Eduardo felt he was probably a boring company, because all he could think about was calories and how to burn them. He felt so disconnected from reality.
He was miserable and lonelier than ever and ended picking up a fight with Angela. With her usual sincerity, she told him he was not her only friend and not to be selfish. Eduardo wanted to die of shame. He had become unused to feeling so many things and wished to isolate himself.
Still, it was good having Angela around again, and the kids were friendly. Eduardo had forgotten how good it was having a friend to talk to. One night, they all gathered at the living room and talked about going to college. Everyone was pretty excited to leave home and enter a whole new world. They searched for pictures of universities on the internet and the campus were huge and this new life promised to be great.
Eduardo felt something rising in his chest; something he had forgotten.
In a year, he’d be living on his own, studying what he chose, doing what he wanted with his time. He’d meet nice, smart people; people that would probably share interests with him.
By the end of the week, when they parted, Angela made him promise not to slip away again.
When he went home, Eduardo felt shaken. This travel had been like a piece of the world that waited for him. Independency, new people, new places. It was scary. Somehow, even with Angela being there for him, Eduardo had felt on his own. What was the matter with him? Was he too needy?
Even so, the experience had tempted him. Maybe life was full of possibilities.
He lost some more weight during the rest of vacation, but not too much.
When classes restarted, Eduardo instantly got in the mood to study, but not to be the best student. He wanted to go to Harvard.
Little by little, his strength was returning. He felt refreshed as hadn’t in a long time. He had a priority in mind. Something that mattered. He talked to Angela on the phone once in a while, but they rarely met, because they lived far from each other.
By the end of the year, he was admitted to Harvard and had gained weight back.
In a way, college was exactly what Eduardo expected. It really was freeing not living under the watch of his parents. He did his own schedule and there was no one to tell him where and when to go.
From the very first day, high expectations were placed over them. They were students of one of the most conceited universities in the world. They absolutely had to perpetuate the name.
Eduardo’s father had given him a long speech about how he shouldn’t waste time. He should be an exemplar student, but he shouldn’t stay passive, should take matters into his own hands and be a leader.
Yeah, Eduardo could agree with him. He committed to his studies from the very start and engaged in extra academic activities. Dealing with people was something he had always enjoyed, no matter how difficult it could be, so participating in all kinds of groups wasn’t hard for him.
Months went by and he had gotten to meet lots of people, but didn’t really know anyone, even if he always tried to. Eduardo knew it wasn’t easy, but he was getting impatient and anxious. He looked around and saw tons of beautiful and smart people. Thousands of people and he was completely alone.
Maybe he wasn’t smart or beautiful enough.
Oh, but he would prove himself to be. He wouldn’t hesitate this time.
Eduardo doubled his studying hours. There was a congress coming next month; Eduardo wrote an essay with the help of a teacher and submitted it. His work was accepted and he traveled to present it. Other students came to him, asking him to take part on discussing groups.
For a freshman, he was doing pretty well.
After one year without doing it, Eduardo stepped on the scale. He had gained thirty pounds since he had recovered from what he knew now was a case of bulimia. It didn’t look like he gained so much; he had needed the weight, aside from obviously growing taller.
Still, he should watch it.
Soon, he rediscovered how everything got easier when he was controlling his food; how it soothed the anxiety. He wasn’t doing anything drastic, though.
Halfway through the year, he met Mark, and through him, Dustin and Chris.
Regarding some aspects, Mark reminded him of Angela, in the way he was fearless, his honesty almost brutal (which, as weird as it may seem, was comforting to Eduardo; all this frankness, as hurtful as it could be sometimes, made Mark more real, his presence stronger to Eduardo). There was also the agile, restless mind. But Angela, for all that mattered, expressed herself in more open ways. She had never been easy to read, being the type to keep her guard up, not wanting others to know her weaknesses. Eduardo, however, was proud of having a way of seeing through people. Plus, once Angela got to trust him, she dropped her defenses considerably.
Really, Mark was even harder to read. Eduardo knew Mark pretended there was nothing to be read into him, and it would be easy to fall into the lie, with Mark’s straight forwardness when he wanted something. You could easily think, here’s a guy who’s got nothing to hide.
No one was that simple, though.
Anyway, they became close pretty quickly. Mark was recluse, Eduardo was patient. Eduardo openly showed he liked having Mark around; Mark kept letting him, sometimes coming to him, which could only mean one thing in his direct language.
It’s not that it wasn’t enough. But Eduardo… He had always had this need of being unique to someone. Actually, he firmly believed everyone had this need, but he also believed that in his case, it bordered neurosis. And Mark had become extremely important to him in a small amount of time. Chris and Dustin had, too. With Mark, however… Eduardo couldn’t tell if it was Mark’s extreme individualism or if it was Eduardo’s own intricate mind that had chosen the most difficult person to obsess over. The fact remained, however, that Eduardo had a feeling that he was always trying to be good enough.
Mark made fun of his hair, of his style, of his stupidly good grades, of him being the entire docent body’s wet dream and of his overly busy schedule. Especially of his overly busy schedule. On a Friday night, Mark, Chris and Dustin cornered him outside his room and dragged him to their dorm. They started pouring him shots of tequila, and when everyone had enough alcohol through their system, Chris spit the truth that they (including Mark) had been worried Eduardo was overdoing it.
Only then, Eduardo realized all the making fun was Mark’s way of being concerned.
He ended playing Mario Kart with them, before having all the nonsense drunk talk, and when he finally went to sleep, the sun was rising. Eduardo had never done it since he started college, and it felt ridiculously freeing and good. Next day, though, he woke up feeling guilty for missing his morning exercises and went for a run before anyone else had woken.
As it turned out, having friends was incompatible with having an impeccable performance. Eduardo had to a) study every day; b) always look for conferences and meetings; c) be an awesome friend, because he fucking valued friendship; d) always eat healthy and exercise and e) never let anyone notice his short circuiting mind.
It was so hard finding time to be there for the guys, but Eduardo always managed to, no matter how exhausted he was. He started bringing his books and notes over to their dorm, so at least they could study together. Not that he’s ever seen Mark studying, anyway.
Mark was the one that stayed in mostly, so Eduardo’s usually on his bed as Mark works on some project by his desk. When Mark finished before him, he always managed to drag Eduardo from whatever he’s doing. One day, though, Eduardo’s taking a look at his notes because he’s got a studying group in a couple of hours and he wants to do well, doesn’t want to be a burden to the others. Mark, however, had finished his coding and wanted Eduardo to go get a drink with him. They had agreed to go when Eduardo was finished, but he still had a way to go and told Mark to wait.
Then, Mark shrugged and told Eduardo he was wasting his time.
“Why?”
“I bet you’re the only one who studies for these groups. I bet it’s you talking and they only listen. They’re probably using you.”
Eduardo tightened his jaw, not bothering to hide his shock.
“Well, you’re mistaken. Other people talk too, and they’re good.”
“Yeah, has it been any help for you?”
Eduardo opened his mouth and closed it. Mark narrowed his eyes.
“See? It’s useless. A stupid way to use your time.”
Because to Mark, everything that went against or didn’t relate to his interests was stupid and useless.
“All right, Mark. Whatever.”, Eduardo muttered. He didn’t go with Mark, but became unable to concentrate any further.
Mark was his best friend, and he hurt Eduardo in the same proportion.
Eduardo wondered if Mark, with his creative, unique mind, thought of Eduardo as a boring, traditional guy who only followed rules.
By now, however, Eduardo had developed his own way of dealing with pain and stress. Skip a meal. Run an extra mile. Cut down calories.
He was in control, nonetheless.