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Dabi was a mystery to the league. No matter how much they pried, he never shared. He made sure to spend as little time with them as possible, only showing up as needed or to steal the occasional bottle of alcohol. He lived in the rooms above the bar with them, but most of the time it felt like he was miles away.
Dabi liked it that way. It’s not that he didn’t care for the league, they felt like family to him. He listened to their conversations, their games, how they interacted with one another. But he never joined. He observed from a distance. It was safer this way, for him and them.
It was unfair, how unstable he was. He kept himself together when in public, it’s all he focused on. But soon as the doors closed and he was alone it all got to him. His brain was cruel and infected, Dabi knew there was no fix. So he tried to ignore it.
The league however, couldn’t take no for an answer. They didn’t like him avoiding them, they wanted him to be a part of the group. He was, but he couldn’t explain that to them. It felt kind of stalker-ish if he thought about his behavior too much.
They were very convincing though, and finally he found himself crumbling. Spending more time around them, and that quickly led to him not being able to concentrate on keeping himself in control. He let his guard down, little by little.
It was all bound to fall eventually.
It started with just a few words, all it took were words and his control slipped. It wasn’t even anything too bad that was said. How pathetic.
He supposed he had been staring off, focusing on something while leaning against the bar, and he tuned in at the wrong time. Shigaraki and Spinner were gaming on the couch, not the best team up.
They had been losing, presumably because of Spinner.
Shigaraki’s raspy voice grated on Dabi’s ears, “Why can’t you do anything right!?”
And that’s all it took. Dabi was gone.
____________________
What had he done wrong? He did something but what was it?
“Why can’t you do anything right?!”
His fathers rough hand slammed into him, knocking him to the floor harshly. He cried out in pain, his father just scoffed.
“If you can’t handle this then you can forget about being a hero.”
No, no he could do this, Touya swore he could do this! He could be a hero, he could make his dad love him. He could be good enough.
“Dad- please-“ his father had hit him again then. He didn’t like it when Touya begged, Touya didn’t like it when he begged either. So why did he keep doing it? Tears streamed down his face, all it did was make him more scared.
He wasn’t supposed to cry! He was supposed to be strong!
“We’ll try again later,” his father scowled down at his shaking form, “once you’ve proven you can keep yourself together.”
And he had left. Left Touya there crying on the ground, bruises forming on his body. He didn’t want his dad to leave, it made him feel like the knife in his heart was being twisted, and yet he couldn’t help but feel relieved.
Touya was a terrible son. He just sobbed harder, unable to stop himself from becoming a mess on the floor. Gasping for breath as he wrapped his arms around himself.
“What do I do!” He cried, “What am I- I supposed to do?!”
But no one answered. They never did.
____________________
“Dabi? Are you feeling alright?” Compress asked, ever the caring figure, snapping Dabi out of his memories. His hands were smoking, he had burned the bar where he gripped it tightly.
“Feelin just peachy.” He responded sarcastically, ”I’m going upstairs.”
He didn’t wait to hear what anyone had to say to that, barely able to keep himself from running out of the room like a weirdo.
The league was worried about him, he knew. But Dabi couldn’t afford to let them know how broken he truly was. He could still be useful, he could still be a part of the group. Just at a distance. Where it was safe.
But it seemed to be a part of the family they needed him to actually spend time with them. Bond or some shit. Dabi didn’t get it, not really, weren’t things good the way they were?
He didn’t know what to expect from them, but he cared about them, so he did as begged of him. (Begging, how unbecoming.)
The next slip up happened 4 days after the first, not that he was keeping track. He was better than this, he swore. But he still found himself slipping the longer he left himself unisolated.
Things that had been easy to ignore before were starting to bring up past memories that he didn’t need to deal with at the moment. Or ever.
“Dabi go get the lights.” Shigaraki demanded from where he was lying on the couch. The lazy fuck never wanted to get up and do shit himself, it was like Dabi was his little lapdog. The weird thing was that Dabi always listened, well it was weird to the league, to Dabi it was ingrained into him.
He did what was asked of him, just as he was raised to do.
“Oh, and get Toga while you’re up.” And suddenly he felt more unwanted memories forcing their way into his head.
_____________________
His dad was sitting next to him, actually sitting next to him! They hadn’t sat on the couch together in what felt like ages. The tv was on, playing something boring, the news. Touya wasn’t paying attention to it at all though. Too focused on the looming figure of his dad beside him.
Even sitting down his dad towered above him, it was intimidating, though Touya would never admit it. He always felt small around his dad.
“Touya.” His head snapped towards his dad at the sound of his name, “go turn the light on.”
It was a simple request, one he wasn’t unused to, his dad often didn’t want to do small things like that after a long shift. He nodded his head quickly and jumped up, padding over to the light to flick it up.
“Touya.” His dad said again.
Touya turned back towards him cautiously, “yeah?”
“Since you’re up, go get your brother for me.” His dad said plainly, as if he hadn’t shattered Touya's entire world.
He couldn’t say no, he had already listened to him, proven himself capable. It felt like dad was looking down on him, judging even the smallest hint of hesitation. Touya knew his lack of immediate movement itself was being seen as disrespectful.
But dad never bothered with Natsuo, not unless Natsuo had done something to make him truly angry. He had to go get him, he had to. So he did.
Later that night he curled up on himself, sobbing silently as he tried not to pay attention to what was happening. This was his fault, why did he always listen?
It felt like a small request always turned into a bigger one when it came to his father. But Touya never seemed to learn, he wasn’t allowed to.
___________________
“I’m not your fuckin pet!” Dabi exploded, completely out of nowhere to the perception of everyone around him.
Toga and Compress stopped talking, Spinner looked up from his book, Shigaraki didn’t even respond, all just stared at him. Shock in their eyes at his sudden outburst.
Fuck, he’d snapped. This was why he couldn’t be here! Why did none of them realize things were better when he was at a distance?
“Dude, are you good?” Spinner asked, breaking the awkward silence after a moment.
Dabi huffed, ignoring the smoke drifting out of his mouth as he did so. It tasted like ash.
“I’m.. fine.” No, why did he say that? Too reluctant, too hesitant. Shit he needed to pull his act together.
“I’m just tired of y’alls bullshit, ordering me around all the time. Fuck off.” Much better, he flipped them off as he left the room, headed back up to his personal quarters. He tried desperately to hide the fact that running to his room to hide was a big coping mechanism for him.
“There’s something going on with him. Whatever it is, it's getting worse.” Compress said, down in the bar with the others.
“What are we supposed to do about it? That crusty bitch doesn’t spill shit.” Shigaraki had to stop himself from scratching his neck, he hated mysteries like these, especially if it concerned the wellbeing of a teammate.
Compress tilted his head, “Pay more attention to what triggers it. We’ll just need to keep a better eye out.”
That was the plan. Dabi hadn’t heard it, he could hear them talking but he didn’t bother trying to make out any of the words. Why were they so worried about him? It’s not like he’s the only one in the league with issues, they were all fucked up. He wasn’t special. He needs to be better.
As it turned out, keeping an eye out also translated to poking the bear in certain places to find out where the wounds were. You couldn’t heal the bear if you didn’t know the injury.
No one in the league had a functional family, so absolutely none of them were equipped to deal with this. That wasn’t going to stop them from trying though. Thing was, none of what they started trying was working.
Toga threw a knife at him, he dodged it. Shigaraki threatened to kill him, he laughed. Compress marbled one of his favorite shirts, he just got very annoyed. Even Twice’s wildest insults didn’t do shit.
It was a complete accident when they pushed one of his buttons again. Shigaraki and Spinner had been shocked to find out Dabi had no idea how to play video games, obviously that meant one of them had to teach him. The issue was when they couldn’t decide who.
A petty and useless argument started, none of the league batted an eye at it. Even Dabi wasn’t bothered until-
“How about you choose Dabi, you want me to show you? Or a slow cunt who doesn’t know what teamwork means!” His raspy voice rose at the end as he shot a glare at the lizard who just glared back in return.
The argument started back up as Spinner spat out his own insult in return. But Dabi’s brain had frozen. Choose. Choose between them? He couldn’t-
____________________
He wanted his mom. That’s all he wanted as he cried on the floor once more in front of his father. The burns on his arms worse than before and yet his fathers glare never wavered.
“I just wanna see mom!” Touya yelled, a terrible decision he realized immediately and braced himself. Only a hit never came. He peaked up at his father, staring down at him with an unreadable look in his eye. It was nothing good.
“I know you want to see your mother.” His father started, startling Touya. His dad had never really actually responded to him when he was like this.
“But it’s time for you to choose. You can go to your mom and stay with her for good, let all your potential go to waste. Or you can stay with me, and do what you were born to do.”
It was so tempting, the door to the room she stayed in was right there, could she hear what her husband was saying to her son?
“I want you to understand, son, I want what’s best for you. If you leave this road you’ll never be allowed back, you’ll be nothing forever. Do you want that?”
He’d be.. nothing? Touya would be nothing? He could imagine it, just another person living a forgetful life. It almost seemed appealing at this point. But this was what he was made for, to fade Into nothing was not something Touya knew how to properly confront.
If he left now, he would never be able to be a hero. What else was there for him?
“Choose.” His father said again. He didn’t know why, but it felt like his head was being split in two. He’d never had trouble with choices before, why was this so hard? But Touya did choose, he had to, so he silently wiped his face as he stood and turned away from his mothers door.
Why did he always choose his Father?
____________________
The argument was broken with a loud slam as Dabi threw the controller to the ground. He hadn’t even cared about video games, simply going along with it to appease the people around him.
He almost felt regressed when he responded like this, like he was small again, responding to his emotions as if he was a child once more. Throwing a tantrum. What he wasn’t expecting was for the league to not be shocked for long by his outburst. He hadn’t even had time to yell at them before Mister Compress swooped in.
“I believe I’d be best for the job.” He stated calmly as he swiped the controller off the ground. “I know nothing about video games either, me and you can figure this out by ourselves. How does that sound?”
And for once it actually sounded nice.
“Whatever you say, old man.”
The league caught on quickly that it wasn’t big things that got to him, it was small. Things that most people would brush off as nothing. Someone throwing a punch his way just earned a hit back and mocking laughter, but someone snapping their fingers in front of his face got their hand almost burned off and an attempt to leave the room.
They couldn’t figure out why he was the way he was. But in the end it wasn’t their goal to figure it out, it was their goal to learn how to counter it. To get to him before he could flee the room. To let him know that no, they don’t give a shit about his weird outburst or whatever weaknesses he thinks he has.
It was working for the most part, he was more comfortable around them including after outbursts, even if he himself didn’t quite seem to register it. He was confused by their behavior but just figured it another quirk the league had.
It became harder to not question why exactly he was the way he was when his worst outburst came though.
Dabi had always been against cigarettes, which was surprising for a guy like him. Though it made a little sense when they really thought about it, cigarettes weren’t the most sanitary thing, and inhaling the smoke definitely wouldn’t help his already fucked up lungs.
However it seemed more than that, the way he curled his lip in distaste at the sight, the way he slightly jolted in what looked like fear at the smell, oftentimes he would straight leave the room when someone started smoking.
And yet if the smoker didn’t have a lighter, he would always light it for them. Though they never asked him to.
It was bad timing that led it to happening, Twice had been trying to quit smoking he swore. But he’d been trying to quit for two years at that point, so it was no surprise when he came in reeking of cigarette smoke. Dabi wrinkled his nose in response but made no move to leave.
Unfortunately at that same time, the sound of a match striking shot through Dabi’s mind like a bullet. He had never noticed Spinner had pulled out his matches, trying to light a candle he assumed, probably because the place smelled like “a crispy corpse.”
It didn’t matter to Dabi, his mind was already gone. Only this time it wasn’t his father that came to him.
____________________
The room was dimly lit, it was dark out, and the man only had a few lamps on around the house.
“You know what you did, boy.” He spat the word boy like it was a slur as he looked down at Dabi’s curled up form currently trying to hide in the corner of the small apartment room.
The man pulled out a cigarette and a box of matches. The cigarette went in his mouth, and the first match struck. Dabi flinched at the sound, he couldn’t help it.
It was a game to this man, Dabi knew as soon as he lit that cigarette something terrible was gonna happen to him again. The man always did this before punishments, lighting a cigarette with a match was incredibly inconsistent, leaving Dabi wondering if it would be multiple tries before it lit, or if he would be unlucky and it would only take one as he desperately tried to scramble for what he did wrong.
He only had a short time to apologize and offer to make up for whatever misbehavior he had committed. But half the time, Dabi thought he hadn’t even done anything, that the man just enjoyed watching him panic more and more as the timer ticked.
The dread was always the worst part, the overwhelming fear slowly overcoming him as he desperately tried to comb through his own spotty memories, looking for any perceived mistake. He couldn’t find one.
Dabi didn’t know what he had done.
The cigarette burned, and Dabi’s heartbeat picked up even more, as the man took a big breath before exhaling in Dabi’s direction. The shaking started, it made Dabi feel ridiculous even in his current situation. He was 17, he shouldn’t be shaking on the verge of tears in a corner again, he should be fighting back!
But as the man approached, he found he couldn’t. Instead praying desperately to be anywhere but where he currently was.
The man grabbed his hair, yanking his head up and forcing him to meet his eyes. He blew more smoke directly in his face as Dabi grabbed his arm and tried to push him away, coughing violently after accidentally inhaling the drug.
Dabi let himself forget what came next. He always did. He had to.
_____________________
“No!” Dabi shouted, a spectator in his own mind as he watched his body move. Shooting a blast of flame straight towards Spinner. He heard the league's shouts of surprise as he scrambled off the couch and tripped over himself to get away from the source of the matches.
As soon as he was standing steadily on his feet he took in the full situation. Spinner had dodged his blast, he didn’t know how, maybe his shout had given him the warning he’d needed. But now the wall and a desk that had been next to it were scorched.
The league was also looking at him like he was insane, fuck he needed to get out of there. Maybe change his name, he could dye his hair blonde, get new skin grafts and never use his quirk again. He could move to America, someplace like Ohio, say his name was Dave.
Or he could just curl up in a hole and die. That was also a good option.
He started backing towards the door only for Compress to grab his arm as Shigarki yelled at him.
“No, no, you don’t get to leave! What the hell was that?!” Shigaraki rasped, gesturing towards Spinner angrily. How was Dabi supposed to answer that question?
“It was nothing, drop it.” He stated, knowing it would do nothing but praying it would work. It didn’t work. He tugged his arm out of Compress’s surprisingly loose grip.
“You can't just blow this off like your other episodes, Dabi! You almost friendly fired Spinner!”
Fucking fuck, how had this situation spiraled so much?
He opened his mouth to respond again, probably with a defensive insult, when the sudden noise of another match striking shut down his thoughts. The smell of cigarettes was suddenly overwhelming again.
Tall figure above him, it hurts, it hurts. Why wasn’t his dad coming to save him? Please, I’m sorry, I don’t know why but I’m sorry, I don’t know what for but I’m so sorry. Just please stop.
Dabi couldn’t stop his full body flinching as flames licked up his arms briefly. Spinner was observing him closely as he slowly put down the matches, Dabi kept his eyes on them the entire time. He could feel himself shaking.
“Dabi, seriously, what’s going on.” It didn’t feel like a question, more of a demand.
He hated being vulnerable, despised it with a passion he saved for his father. Yet he could feel his mental walls crumbling, the memories and good treatment from the league had shaken them loose. Dabi couldn’t stand this, and yet he did.
“Just.. bad memories.” He muttered, crossing his arms defensively. He dug his fingers into his arms, trying to provide some relief from the mental discomfort.
“Fuckin, bad memories so bad you almost tourch our only driver over a box of matches?” Shigaraki asked incredulously, raising an eyebrow.
“It’s none of your fuckin business!” He snarled at them, taking another step back.
“But it is our business, Dabi you’ve almost burned us multiple times because of your… outbursts. We need to know what’s going on.” Compress held his hands up placatingly, Dabi could almost feel the emotion swirling in those eyes hidden behind the mask.
Dabi let out a strained sigh and let Compress grab his arm and gently lead him back to the couch. He felt like a zoo animal on display for a bunch of curious children. He felt gross.. and ashamed. He didn’t know what for though.
His eyes darted over to the scorch mark, the one that would’ve been Spinner if he hadn’t moved in time. They weren’t gonna drop this, and maybe he did owe them an explanation.
“Small things-“ it felt like he was trying to talk while being strangled, he pushed through though, “they bring back bad memories sometimes. It’s like I’m not here anymore.”
His gaze stayed on the ground as he talked, not daring to meet any of their eyes.
“I’m unstable, it’s better to keep me at a distance.”
“Is that really what you think?” Compress spoke up from where he now sat next to him.
Dabi finally looked up to give them the most deadpan stare he could muster, he was the most unstable one, he thought that was pretty obvious.
“Not that you’re unstable, idiot,” Shigaraki piped up.
“We care about you man!” Twice spoke for the first time since he’d come in, immediately followed with, “ I’d trade you for a pack of cigarettes!”
Dabi couldn’t help the small huff of amusement when Twice covered his mouth in panic over what he’d just said. He knew the most about Dabi’s discomfort with cigarettes.
His amusement dissipated as soon as it appeared.
“I need to stay isolated you dumb fucks, or the outbursts get worse! I can’t let my guard down and it’s difficult with y’all around me all the time.” He glared at the four in the room with him, though he could tell it had no effect on any of them.
“You’re letting your guard down around us?” Spinner asked in a soft voice, Dabi flushed in embarrassment over his slip up. Fuck now they knew he was feeling comfortable enough with them to let his guard down. Great going Dabi.
“Dabi..” Shigaraki paused, before turning to Compress, “Listen to what Compress has to say, he’s better at this than me.”
Compress just sighed before resting his hand on Dabi’s shoulder. He couldn’t help the flinch when he felt the contact, but he didn’t shrug it off like he normally would have.
“Listen Dabi, you’re important to the league, important to us, and we’re happy you’re feeling more comfortable around here. We want to help you, if you’ll let us.”
“You have no idea what I’ve been through.” Dabi’s tone held no bite to it anymore.
“No, but that won’t stop us from helping out!” Twice exclaimed brightly, “gross man, I’m not your therapist!”
Dabi groaned in annoyance, he didn’t want to be babied, he didn’t want to confront what he’d been through or ever acknowledge it. But he was tired, so tired of being lonely.
“Fine.”