Chapter Text
At twenty five, Katie was settled into her life in Zuzu City. She had a job that she wasn't a huge fan of in the human resources department of Joja Corp. Annual layoffs were a nightmare, both because she feared she would be the one who got laid off, or worse, she'd be given a list of people she was expected to fire. She wasn't sure how Mother still stomached her own HR job after so many years. Somehow Jeff from finance always came out of firing season scot free, despite the various discrimination and sexual harassment complaints that bubbled up year after year. It would be a privilege to fire that man.
She had a small friend group of ladies from the office, women she felt she had little in common with. They were wrapped up in petty gossip and treated things that Katie thought were quite a big deal as if it were regular office drama. Katie would laugh and nod along, because if not them, then who would she speak to? Thursday happy hours were the only thing she had to look forward to some weeks.
Her closest friend of them all was Meredith, though she wasn't a particularly great influence. She was a much heavier drinker than the rest of the group, and would sometimes drag Katie out with her on the weekends. It was always a fun night, but always a miserable morning.
Katie had a fiance then, a freelance graphic designer named David. They met in college, and had been together ever since. He was sweet and funny, and everything Katie could've ever wanted. They got engaged that year, and Katie couldn't stop thinking about the wedding. Trips home to Grampleton to plan things with Mother and Father became a monthly occurrence.
Katie asked Tyler to be her maid of honor when they were home for Winterstar, but they laughed in her face and said "Fuck no."
Maybe she should have expected it. Still stung.
David and Katie had a decent two bedroom apartment in Zuzu. It was smaller than they would've liked, but they were young and had time to grow. The spare bedroom doubled as an office for David. He cooked their meals since Katie had to commute, and she took care of most of the regular cleaning. They tag teamed deep cleaning every other Sunday, blasting shitty music that reminded them of their middle school dances until the downstairs neighbors would bang on their ceiling, telling them to shut the hell up. They'd cringe at each other, then laugh and whoever was closest would turn down the stereo.
It was easy, their domesticity in the hustle and bustle of Zuzu.
Today, David drove Katie to the doctors office for her annual check up. She pouted, arms crossed. He glanced over to her and smiled, shaking his head.
"What are you pouting about?" he asked.
She turned, eyes narrowing at the man, "Do you really have to ask? I hate the doctor."
David laughed, "You're twenty five, you're gonna have to get over that."
"You know, you're more likely to die in a hospital than anywhere else. I'm just avoiding an early demise," Katie quipped.
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's only true if you go in already sick," David said, resting a comforting hand on Katie's thigh, "It's just a check up, baby. You'll be alright."
Katie scrunched her nose, "Fine."
He stayed in the waiting room for her appointment. Katie sat on the exam table, looking around at the off white walls and linoleum floors. Yoba, she hated the doctor.
The door cracked open, and Dr. Noelles poked her head in, "Hey Katie! I'll be in with you in a minute, but I wanted to ask if you'd be alright with my intern performing your annual today? I'll be right here with him the whole time."
Katie had no interest in this at all whatsoever. In her moment of panic, though, she smiled and nodded, "Yeah, sure. No problem."
"Okay, great! Be right back," Dr. Noelles said with a wink before shutting the door.
Katie groaned and fell back on the exam table, putting her hands over her face. Why the hell did she agree to this?
Minutes ticked by too slowly and too quickly all at once, dread growing endlessly in her stomach. Finally, the door opened. A tall, awkward-looking man with messy brown hair and glasses walked in. He appeared to be attempting to grow a mustache, but hadn't made any real strides in getting there.
"Hi, I'm Dr. Thompson. I'll be doing your exam today," he said, words choppy and over-rehearsed. Katie watched him walk up to the computer, pulling up her chart and scanning the text.
"Nice to meet you," Katie said quietly, offering an uneasy smile and small wave.
"To start off, I just have to ask you a few questions."
Dr. Thompson settled on his little stool, and began asking away. It was all the same questions as it always was. Yes, she exercised regularly, she has a glass of wine at dinner, and maybe two more drinks for happy hour once a week. She doesn't smoke, and only does the drugs prescribed to her— that one got a chuckle out of him. Her diet is consistent and good, though her fiance says she should be eating more protein. She sleeps 8 hours a night. She's sexually active, but on birth control.
She noticed this doctor made a lot more eye contact than most she had seen before. It felt like he was actually listening to her. It was a bit unsettling, though she could see how someone who didn't hate going to the doctor might find it comforting.
"Any physical pain or discomfort?" Dr. Thompson asked.
Katie took a deep breath, "Kinda? I've been having more nausea lately, but I don't know. My psychiatrist upped my citalopram prescription though, so I figure it's that."
"I see, that's definitely possible. You should bring it up the next time you meet with them if the problem persists," he said as he typed something up in her chart.
"I'll be sure to let her know," Katie said.
Dr. Thompson moved on to the physical parts of the exam, checking Katie's heart and lungs. Katie stared up at the ceiling, desperately wishing for the damn appointment to just end.
"Before we let you go, I'd like you to do a pregnancy test," he said.
Katie raised a brow, "I'm on birth control."
"Um…" he trailed, looking nervously over his shoulder at Dr. Noelles. She nodded for him to continue, "Yes, but it's just protocol. The pill isn't 100% effective, so we want to be sure."
Katie sighed. "Fine, give me the cup."
He said it would take fifteen minutes before they had the results, and Katie sat in that sad little exam room waiting. The doctors came in at the ten minute mark. They shut the door and sat down.
"It would appear that you're pregnant," Dr. Thompson said slowly.
Katie burst out laughing, "That's funny."
"Pardon?" Dr. Thompson asked nervously, glancing over to Dr. Noelles.
Dr. Noelles sighed and walked up towards Katie, "Listen, Katie. We got the test results back, and it's true. You're pregnant. We're happy to discuss your options with you, and refer you to an OB-GYN if you need."
Katie processed the information, covering her mouth with her hand. She couldn't believe it, it was far too soon but at the same time she couldn't stop smiling. Mother and Father were going to freak out. David would be so excited.
"What are the fucking odds?" Katie muttered.
That evening, Katie sat David down to tell him the news. He was equal parts excited and totally freaked out.
"You're gonna have to go to the doctor a lot more, you know," he teased.
"Oh, shut up. This is going to be good though. I… I don't know, I know we didn't plan this— hell I was on the fucking pill— but I just," Katie shifted her weight forwards and backwards, "Should I be more freaked out?"
"No, no," David said, cupping Katie's jaw, "Look—don't get me wrong, it's scary, but it's good. So good. You talk about wanting to have a family one day, I do too. This has always been part of the plan, it's just… a little early."
Katie smiled wide, bottom lip between her teeth, "I love you."
"I love you too, baby," David said, leaning down to kiss her.
They got to work figuring things out for the baby. They cleared out the guest room/office space, selling the bed online and moving David's desk into their bedroom. They painted the walls a nice pastel green, hoping it would work regardless of the baby's gender. They started looking for furniture at thrift stores, and picked up what little Katie's parents still had from their home in Grampleton.
Appointments at the gynecologist all went well, and Katie stopped dreading the doctor quite as much. Now appointments meant seeing the tiny baby growing inside of her, not just finding out more things that were wrong with her, feeling closer and closer to death.
David could not stop coming up with baby name ideas. As much as Katie tried to stop him, they just kept coming.
"How about… Lily for a girl," David said, "and Emerson for a boy."
Katie raised a brow, "You keep shooting these ideas at me, and every time, what do I say?"
David rolled his eyes, "We'll know when we see them?"
"We'll know when we see them," Katie confirmed with a nod.
David sighed dramatically, "I know, I know. I'm just excited." He leaned towards her, staring at her dreamily.
She pinched his cheeks together with her hand, "I can tell."
It was late evening, mid-April, when the cramping started. Katie put on a hot pad, groaning complaints to David.
"Are you sure you don't want to go to the doctor, just get things checked?" he asked her.
"Bleh," Katie sounded, sticking out her tongue. "It's alright. I was on my feet a lot today at work. It's probably just from that. I'll sleep it off."
"Are you sure?" David asked.
Katie nodded reassuringly, taking David's face in her hand and rubbing his cheek with her thumb, "Yeah, I'm sure. I just need to sleep."
She fell asleep painfully slowly, the discomfort of the cramping keeping her awake. She pressed into the comfort of David's warmth.
She awoke suddenly to a sharp pain in her lower pelvis. She sat upright, doubled over. Her eyes widened as she noticed the warm wet feeling between her legs.
"No," she whispered, "No, no, no."
Katie's breathing quickened, the air suddenly feeling too thick to take in, and her vision blurred. The pain in her pelvis quickly became the least of her concerns. She gripped the comforter, glancing over to David's sleeping form.
She slowly lifted the comforter, heaving breaths and shaking limbs. Maybe this was just a nightmare, she'd lift it up and suddenly jolt awake.
Dark blood seeped through her pajama pants, visible even with just the night time city light coming from the window.
Katie slammed the comforter back down, a primal, gut wrenching sound ripping from her throat. It would've hurt, but her body suddenly felt numb.
David jumped up from the sound, urgent but with eyes still heavy with sleep. "What? What's happening?"
"David, I—" Katie covered her mouth, hand shaking, breaths still shallow and uncontrolled.
"What, what's the matter, baby?" he asked, setting a hand on her shoulder and trying to get a good look at her face.
"Blood," she croaked, "David, it's too much, it's…"
Understanding washed over David, and he sprung into action, finding shoes and and shirt for himself, as well as shoes and a sweater for Katie.
"I told you we should go to the doctor," he muttered.
Katie looked up at him in disbelief, tears running down her face, "What?"
David covered his mouth, and wiped them as if it would retroactively take the words off of his lips. "I'm sorry."
He put the shoes and sweater on for Katie, and grabbed a towel from the bathroom. "Hold this," he whispered, gentle.
Katie took it from his hands, and reached her arms up as he leaned down to pick her up. He carried her through the apartment, leaning down a bit to grab his keys, before heading out for the car.
Once they got to the emergency room, everything seemed to happen very fast. Katie's mind was a mess of humming static, stare far off, locked on the wall of the hospital room. She took the medications handed to her, and tried to listen and nod as they told her what it was for, but she couldn't get any of it to sink in.
David held her hand, listening closely as the doctor spoke, leg bouncing with anxiety. Katie hardly noticed. Once the doctors were through, they set up a cot for David, and they slept.
The following morning, Mother and Father came to visit, Tyler trailing behind them and stuck to the doorway.
"How are you feeling Katie?" Mother asked, setting a hand on Katie's leg.
Katie sucked her tongue to the roof of her mouth, then snapped her jaw to make it click, "My mouth is dry."
"James, could you go get her some water?" Mother asked.
"Got it," Father replied.
"Now that they're here, I'm gonna run home to get you a change of clothes," David said, leaning down to kiss the mole beneath Katie's eye.
Katie watched him move and nodded.
"Why don't we just have Belle go get it? I'm sure you two would rather stick together," Father suggested as he handed off the small cup of water to Katie.
"What?" Tyler exclaimed.
Mother turned to Tyler with a sour expression, "I'm sure you won't mind, right Belle?"
Tyler scoffed and started walking over to David, "Fine. Give me the key."
David froze and patted his pockets, "Didn't y'all drive?"
Tyler rolled their eyes, "To your apartment."
"Right," David said, handing off the keys, "Here."
Tyler grabbed the keys and started for the door, "I'll be back in 30."
"Don't speed," Mother scolded.
"I will," Tyler called over their shoulder.
When Tyler returned to the room, Mother, Father, and David were talking to people at the front desk. They set a tote bag with Katie's clothes on a chair near the door, and leaned against the wall.
"I'm sorry," they said.
Katie twisted her lips, "Thanks."
Tyler nodded, "I have class in a couple hours, so…"
Katie breathed, eyebrows raising, "Right. I'm sorry, I know Mom and Dad probably dragged you here. You can go."
"Yeah," Tyler rasped, and started out the door.
"I love you," Katie hedged, neck craning to watch Tyler go.
They grabbed the door frame, pausing there and staring at the floor, back to Katie. "I'll see ya," they whispered, and then they left.
For a long time after, Katie was deeply depressed. She took some time off of work, laying in bed and recovering from it all. Every small pain or discomfort in her stomach would bring her back to that moment, and she tried not to let herself get to wrapped up in her own head about it. She reminded herself constantly that it wasn't her fault, she'd been doing everything right. Then David's words would ring in her head.
"I told you we should go to the doctor."
Maybe she should've.
At first, David sulked right along with her. They held each other and cried, took baths and washed each others hair. They had frozen pizza or ordered in most nights, unless one of them found enough energy to whip up some spaghetti with red sauce.
David went back to work first, and Katie would go out to the living room. He asked if he should move his desk back into the spare room but Katie wouldn't let him. She sat in there sometimes, running her hands along the furniture they'd bought, and squeezing the stuffed animals close to her chest. Maybe they had jumped into it too quickly. She hadn't considered that it wouldn't stick.
She picked up the stuffed rabbit from the shelf, Pinky. It had been hers as a child, and her mother's before that. She cradled the stuffed animal in her arms, twisting the long ear with her fingers.
"I wish I had named you," she whispered to the empty room. All those times David tried to bounce baby names off of her, but she wanted to wait for them to be born. Now she just wished she knew what to call them.
Once Katie started work again, she was always an empty husk by the end of the day. She'd get into bed without dinner. David would knock and check in on her, ask if there was anything he could do. Nothing.
She wished she could die right along with the child, her grief heavy and nameless. No funeral, no wake. She knew David was there, that he was in the same boat, but she felt horribly alone. Something—Someone had died inside of her. She missed them.
She'd gone to her OB-GYN to see if they could figure out what caused it, but they came up empty. The lack of answers didn't give Katie any piece of mind. She wanted something to point to, definitively. Something that would tell her what to do if she ever wanted to try again. She wasn't sure she would.
Eventually Meredith, her friend from the office, called to reach out to her. Katie hadn't gone to another happy hour in ages.
"You gotta get out of the house, girl," Meredith said, "Why don't you come out with me tonight? Just you and me. We'll get shitfaced and you can forget all the crap life's throwing at you."
"I don't know, Mer…" Katie said, hesitant.
"Oh, come on, please? It's been ages since I've seen you out of the office. It'll be fun," she sang.
Katie twisted her lips and glanced over to David on the other side of the couch. He was watching TV, eyes sullen. He'd probably benefit from some time alone. "Yeah, okay. Sounds good."
David's eyes snapped over to her, and she ended her call with Meredith. "Making plans?" he asked.
"Me and Mer are going to go out downtown tonight— If that's alright, we don't have plans, right?"
"No, no. We don't. Just… It's good. It'll be good for you," he said.
Meredith arrived at their apartment for Katie's outing that night, and was disappointed to find her in a cardigan and practical shoes, "What the hell are you wearing? We're going out tonight!"
Katie looked down at her outfit and shrugged, "It's comfortable."
Meredith gave Katie a dissatisfied look, "Nope. You're changing."
Meredith waltz right into Katie and David's room, where David sat with a book, "Hello, David. Help me pick something hot for your betrothed."
David looked over to Katie in the doorway with raised brows, "That kind of outing, huh?"
"Guess so," Katie said, uneasy. Meredith was already going through the closet like she owned the place.
"Well," David said, setting aside his book, "We better find something."
They landed on a pair of skinny jeans and one of Katie's tighter tops— she wasn't exactly known for having a particularly "hot" wardrobe. Meredith nodded her approval. "It's passable," she said, "Let's go."
They arrived at the bar and Meredith had them hit the ground running, ordering two rounds of shots along with their drinks. Katie was unenthused by the rate, but followed along. Meredith dragged her out to the dance floor. The lights were too bright, the music too loud. The floor was wet and sticky with spilled drinks and the air thick with sweat.
"Relax, Katie," Meredith droned in Katie's ear, "Come on, I know you can dance. I've seen it!"
"I dunno," Katie yelled over the music, "I just feel so…"
Meredith put a finger to Katie's lips, "Not tonight honey." Meredith took Katie's hand in hers and started jumping and twisting to the beat. Katie cringed at first, but seeing Meredith smiling and laughing, she couldn't help but crack a smile as well. She loosened up, and started dancing and singing along as well.
You're the only friend I need
Sharing beds like little kids
And laughing till our ribs get tough
But that will never be enough.
The night got more fun as the drinks settled in Katie's blood, mind emptying. She felt weightless again, even if her head was heavy. It was nice to just forget everything for a little while.
At the end of the night, Katie and Meredith headed back to Katie's apartment, and Katie rushed to the bathroom, doubling over and throwing up in the toilet. Meredith followed her in and pulled her hair back. Once she was through, she bent over the sink to drink some water, before crashing back down to the floor and laughing. Meredith laughed too.
"Yoba, I feel like I'm 20 again," Katie laughed.
"You look it too. You're so fucked up, girl," Meredith replied.
"That's your fault, Mer," Katie said, cracking an eye open and pointing to Meredith.
Meredith shrugged, a smug smile on her face. "You had fun though?"
Katie hummed, stretching her arms above her head, "Yeah, I did."
David cracked the door open, hitting Katie's head as he did.
"Ow, fuck," Katie said, sitting up and grabbing her head, then laughing at herself.
"Shit, sorry. Are you okay?" he asked.
Katie turned to look up at him and smiled, "Yeah. I'm sleepy."
"Seems you had a full night," David said, brows raised and a smirk tugging at his lip.
"Mhm," Katie hummed, leaning back against the bathroom wall.
"Let's get her to bed," Meredith said, "You mind if I crash on the couch?"
The next morning, Katie felt horrible, the hangover hitting her like a wall. David decided they should have breakfast in bed, and skip out on their usual Sunday cleaning.
The weight of everything that she had let herself forget settled back onto Katie throughout the day, and despite the fun night she had she still felt weighed down by her grief. She missed the weightlessness she felt last night.
So when Meredith invited her to someone's birthday bar crawl on Tuesday, she accepted.
And when Meredith asked her to go out Friday, she was eager to get out. Katie asked if she wanted to go out again on Saturday, and Meredith agreed.
Slowly, Katie started going out with Meredith more days than she spent in, just to feel the weightlessness again. She was always punished come morning, when the hangover made her head pound and her stomach feel a little too sponge-y.
She wasn't sure when exactly David's feelings about it switched. She noticed him looking more disappointed every time she said she was going out, or that Meredith came home with her after work. Katie hated seeing that look on his face, but she couldn't get herself to stay home either. Any chance to feel that weightlessness, to forget everything, she took. He tried to talk to her about it a few times, and she'd spit venom, saying he didn't understand, that she needed this.
Then, she and Meredith came in after work, excited for another Friday night out. David was in the living room, packed bags beside him.
"Hey," Katie said, leaning down to give him a kiss on the forehead, "We're gonna head downtown tonight."
David sighed and laughed bitterly.
"What?" Katie asked, brows furrowed.
David looked up to Meredith, "Can you give us a minute?"
Meredith eyed Katie, worried, but nodded and headed to the bathroom.
Katie took a seat on the couch, "What's the matter, baby?"
"We're supposed to go to Grampleton this weekend to see your parents," he said.
Katie started to stand back up to head for the bedroom, "Oh… shit, I forgot. I can—"
"Katie," David whispered, grabbing her arm. He looked up to her, and Katie saw the tears in his eyes. "I can't do this."
Katie sat back down, feeling a pit form in her stomach, heavy and hard. "You can't do what?"
"I can't… I can't keep watching you… destroy yourself. You're different now, Katie. Ever since…" he trailed off, biting his lip and looking away.
"I'm not destroying myself, David. I just… I'm having fun, I'm trying to… live, I don't know. I'm sorry I forgot about the trip, we can just—"
"Katie, this isn't like you. You don't drink like this, going out almost every night. It isn't like you! I try and try to talk to you about it and you won't fucking listen. You can't even remember our plans…" David sighed and looked back to Katie, "I don't know who you are anymore."
Katie felt her breath catch in her throat, jaw shaking as she tried to breathe through it. She started shaking her head, "What are you saying?"
David took a slow careful breath. He took Katie's left hand in his own, looking at the ring on her finger. It was Grandma's ring, once. "I'm saying I'm done. I can't be with you anymore. Not like this. I'm sorry."
Katie covered her mouth with her right hand, gasping into it. "You… Now? Seriously? Do you… Do you not love me anymore?"
"I don't know," he said, "I love you. But not this you. I don't know about this you."
Katie nodded tears, running down her face, "I… I can see if Meredith will let me stay with her."
Katie stayed with Meredith for a little, then decided to take some time off of work and go home to Grampleton for two weeks until she found her own place. Meredith wanted to keep going out all the time, and Katie no longer felt like drinking.
She felt so empty now, sitting in the old room she shared with Tyler. They were home for summer break, clearly unhappy that Katie had returned even if it was just temporary. Mother and Father kept them in line, but they didn't really try to start anything. Katie had been through enough.
The two of them sat in the room one night, Tyler scrolling on their laptop while Katie read. She glanced over to them, and sighed.
"What?" Tyler rasped, looking over to her.
Katie twisted her lips, looking around the room. "I know we don't…" she paused, taking a sharp breath, "Can we pretend… to be normal sisters? Just for a minute."
Tyler looked down at their lap, fidgeting with their hands. They shook their head and looked up to Katie with a small, almost-convincing comforting look, "I'm sorry he left you."
"I miss him," Katie whispered.
Tyler nodded, then bit their lip and sighed. "I don't know how to help you."
Katie laughed, bitter. "Me neither. Fuck…
Tyler watched Katie for a moment, then set their laptop to the side, getting out of their bed and walking to join Katie.
Katie recoiled a bit as they sat next to her, "What are you doing?"
Tyler looked at her incredulously, and rolled their eyes. "I'm being normal. Shut up and hug me."
They held their arms open, waiting for Katie. Her lip quivered as she leaned in, wrapping her arms around Tyler's shoulders. They sat like that for a little while, Tyler holding her as Katie cried, rubbing her back. Telling her it would be okay. It felt good, for Katie at least, to pretend to be normal.
Katie did end up finding a new apartment in Zuzu, and continued her job at Joja Corp. Her days were boring and long, but she went through the motions. She started therapy, and tried to move on. When Katie was 29, Tyler went to graduate school, and never came back home to Grampleton. The year after that, Mother died.
Katie just kept doing what she was doing, kept dragging herself through life. It wasn't until Katie was 31 that she opened up Grandpa's letter, and her life finally began again.