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i.
The crowd cheered. It was deafening to Tadashi’s ears. A wave of impressions was crashing down on him, after blocking them out with all of his might during the game to focus solely on what mattered. Victory. A bead of sweat was trailing down his neck. His left leg was chafed from diving for a ball. It didn’t hurt but he knew that it would start to ache soon.
He kept his gaze focused on the net in front of him as they walked up to shake hands with the other team but he could still make out the spectators waving the big banners from the corner of his eyes. Tadashi didn’t want to look to his right. This had been his responsibility. The No. 1 shirt felt heavy on him and too big, the fabric was suffocating him. His throat was so tight someone could have held his windpipe shut and he wouldn’t have noticed the difference.
A weight was on his shoulders, making his body feel like it was made out of lead and it took all of his might to shake the hand of the other team’s captain. He thanked them for the good game, the way he had to press it out while keeping his composure making his lungs burn. He turned around, taking one final deep breath while leading his team out to their changing room. A gloomy atmosphere was ghosting over this side of the spectators stand. Tadashi kept his head low while he walked outside, not daring to look up.
ii.
It was completely quiet in the changing room, only interrupted by sobbing noises which the silence only seemed to amplify. Tadashi knew that he was supposed to give a speech. To tell them that it’s not over and to keep fighting. How could he say those words when he didn’t even believe in them himself? He took a sip of his drink while he steeled himself for this moment.
“I would like for you all to listen to me for a moment.” Tadashi wouldn’t have held it for possible but it quieted down even more. Everyone stopped what they were doing and turned their full attention to him. Tadashi picked the words he said with care. “This was my third time playing at Nationals. I sat here in this very room before, some of you where there as well.” He looked over to Tsukki, Kageyama and Hinata. “I by myself thought that going to Nationals was enough, but as a team captain I wanted to lead my team to victory. I firmly believed that we could do it. In this last match we drew out every single inch of power that was still left in our body, but our opponent showed us the limitations of said power. I know what’s going through all of your minds. Right now you’re repeating every single mistake you made in the game and how you could have avoided it if only- I’m going to stop all of you right there. This game isn’t decided by one single player. There is no such thing as one weak link that’s the cause of our loss. When you think of those mistakes don’t think of what you could’ve done to prevent them but how you’re going to improve to avoid them the next time. I don’t want a single one of you thinking that it was your fault that we lost. We trained very hard and I know it’s frustrating-“ His voice broke and Tadashi knew that tears were dripping down his face. “It’s frustrating, but we need to move forward. I put my trust into every single one of you and I am proud to have been able to stand on the court with you.”
He wiped the tears away with the back of his wrist. Everyone was still looking at him with a baffled expression, letting his words sink in. Hinata was the first to get up from his seat, rushing towards Tadashi and throwing his arms around his neck. Kageyama and Tsukki joined them as well and soon the entire team was united in a group hug. In that moment it wasn’t just his pain and his frustration but one shared among all of them.
iii.
Tadashi was lying curled up in his bed, his blanket hiding him completely. He wanted it to engulf him and his sorrow. Now that he was at home the adrenaline had worn off and the fact that they had lost, that it was over, was finally hitting him with an unbelievable force that almost took his breath away. He didn’t bother wiping the tears away anymore, his pillow had more damp spots than dry ones.
The door was opened quietly, which was enough clue for Tadashi to know that it was none of his family members that had entered. Even so he still flinched for a second when he felt Oikawa’s hand on his back.
“Yama-chan? Can I pull the blanket away?”
“No”, was the answer he choked out.
“Should I leave?”
“No.”
He felt the bed dip down next to him where Oikawa sat down. His hand never left the back of Tadashi, moving around in slow, soothing circles.
Tadashi was angry at himself for feeling as powerless as he did. He wasn’t the only one that had lost a game. How must Oikawa have felt when Aobajousai lost Karasuno during his first year? He should pick himself up and move on but he couldn’t.
He inched closer to Oikawa and put his head in his lap, still underneath the blanket. Tadashi tried to speak but his voice was still hoarse.
“Should I get you something to drink, Yama-chan?” Oikawa immediately asked.
“It’s fine”, Tadashi said, voice muffled by the blanket. “It’s just...so frustrating. Everyone was there. Daichi and Suga were watching. And Ennoshita! He made me vice-captain and put his trust into me. I had one more year of experience than the others and I still couldn’t do it.” He blinked a few times. His eyes felt dry, as if there were no more tears left within his body. “This was my responsibility. We tried so hard yet we couldn’t do anything after all.”
Oikawa slipped one hand under the blanket, carefully running it through Tadashi’s hair. “Ennoshita made you vice-captain because he believed in you. Not that you’d take Karasuno to victory, that is never a certainty, but that you’ll try everything in your power to get there. Nobody expected you to win, but to draw out your full potential and give your best. And that’s exactly what you did. You made all the right decisions.”
“But that’s the problem, we gave our best. How can we go even further when our team play, our strategies, everything was already at its peak.”
“Tadashi, there is always room for improvement. This isn’t a finite amount and after that it you’ve come to a standstill. You had a goal. You came as far as you could. Now it’s time to set a new one.”
“A new goal.” Tadashi repeated. The words felt foreign. Moving on. He knew he had to do it but not today. Today he would grieve over the effort he – no, they all - had put into this tournament.
“If I’m not allowed to pull the blanket away is there still some space for me underneath?” Oikawa suddenly asked.
Tadashi didn’t reply but simply held it up for Oikawa to slip in. After a bit of fidgeting and re-adjustment they were both huddled up under the blanket. Tadashi rested his head against the crook of Oikawa’s head. He had resumed rubbing circles on Tadashi’s back and it made the loss feel slightly more bearable.
iv.
Tadashi got up the next day and every muscle in his body was on fire. Like he had predicted, the area he had chafed was stinging with every step he took. Oikawa had stayed over as well and was still asleep, tangled in the sheets. Tadashi was almost tempted to lie down again but there was something he needed to do. He got dressed quietly, trying not to wake Oikawa up.
“You’re going running?”
Mission failed. He turned around and Oikawa was squinting at him. Tadashi took a thin jacket out of his closet to complete his outfit.
“It’s alright, stay in bed and sleep for a bit longer.”
“Should I get ready too? I don’t mind.”
“No, not today.” In that moment Tadashi’s phone made a small sound, notifying him that he got a text message. He quickly typed a response.
Oikawa nodded understandingly. “Then make sure to eat something and go easy.”
Tadashi tied his hair in a ponytail and was ready to go. He gave Oikawa a small peck on his cheek and left the house after having a light breakfast. His running route took him to Tsukki’s house but before he could reach it Kageyama and Hinata were already coming his way. They were still as energetic as ever, he had only sent them a message fifteen minutes ago. They would pick up Tsukki and then they would go and run towards a new goal, together.