Chapter Text
October 10th, 2019
“Thanks for paying for my electro sessions,” Stef replied, looking into Aaron’s eyes with an almost pathetic sense of defeat on her face as the two of them walked down the city street back to their apartment. “I feel like I’m so reliant on you all the time.”
“Stef. I swear to God, you’re fine,” Aaron grabbed her shoulders and shook them, stopping at an intersection. In a normal moment, he would’ve grabbed her cheeks and squished them like the little dork she was, perhaps leading some passerby to stop and notice them and imagine them like the cute couple Aaron wished they could be together. “I have been saving the allowance my father gives me away for years. Your influence in my life is enough payment for all of this. I’d even pay for your hormones if you-”
“No. No, I want to do this legitimately, Aaron,” Stef replied, pushing their roommate away. Aaron wanted them to take the plunge, to call themselves Stephanie or whatever name they chose to suit their fancy like they so deserved, to just accept more help than the transactional response that she’d come to terms with when they talked about living together as roommates. “Let me do this legitimately.”
He saw what they went through, working at Tesco to bring in some meager pittance while they languished on waiting lists and tried to do this sort of thing correctly in her eyes. At first, Aaron rejected it outright, but then he set it aside in a separate account for her to give it back when she finally accepted the fucking help somewhere. She gave so much, and it was she, thank you very much, he wasn’t about to let her do anything to reject that, not since he found her research into that place that allegedly did clandestine care for transgender women, or so Stef said so desperately.
She’d said that the only other help she’d accept with transitioning would be from this place, wherever it was. She had a single-minded goal to find out whatever the hell happened to her big brother, apparently big sister, for years now, so she could reunite with them. Aaron understood this, and respected it. It was something she showed interest in, unlike the rest of the world around her. It was a rock that grounded her, and prevented her from taking drastic measures.
The drastic measures that Aaron saw in the little things. Meals were left unfinished, and found in the trash the next morning. Indentations on her skin as she pressed into it with her fingernails, occasionally drawing blood and requiring Aaron to dab an alcohol-soaked swab into them and making Stef sting. Her hair, left long but unkempt, attempts to convince her to go get a haircut swiped off because of the (frankly, rational) fear that they’d cut it all off. The crying in her sleep in the other room, and the quiet begging he heard just beyond the slightly open door that she could just be taken away, and a woman be left in her place. Aaron stuck around, but it hurt him deeply inside that she had to fight herself so much just to live a little bit.
Aaron? He was fine with his lot in life now. This same girl who struggled to put enough food in her gut also gave and gave and gave. She forgave him for the unwanted advantages after she came out as a trans woman. She forgave him for his sobbing rants, and even got him to start going to therapy this year. She even forgave him for that. He could live like this, just the two of them, for the rest of his fucking life he was given the opportunity. He just wished she could be along for the rest of it, as the whole person she begged to be in the dark of the night.
Aaron fumbled with the keys to the flat just on the outside of campus that the two of them lived in. “Shitty fucking-” He finally got the right key. Between house keys and the postbox key and the key to the car that Aaron was gifted by his father sitting in a designated parking space and the key fob that let him access the Geology Lab, he sometimes had trouble getting the right key on the first try.
He looked behind him when he heard Stef’s giggling, and he smiled. “Sorry, I sometimes have trouble, you know.”
“I know,” she replied simply, a smile breaking the tension after another session of Aaron begging, and Stef holding her ground unnecessarily.
Aaron turned back to the door and unlocked it. Right there to greet both of them was Boots, the little tuxedo that Aaron adopted to keep himself out of trouble, and Aaron bent down to scratch the kitty on the top of his head. “Hello, little man!” He said, taking the opportunity to give his cat some love as Stef slipped in behind him. “You must be so hungry waiting for us to come back.”
Before he could even pull himself back up to do the work, Stef had already been pouring a bit of food into Boots’ bowl. He could’ve easily afforded an automatic feeder, but the therapist told him that it would be more purposeful to his needs if he didn’t get one. If he could distract himself from his thoughts-
She was bent over. He made himself look away, to not be lecherous, to not stare, to not let those feelings take over his mind. It wasn’t something that he was willing to let himself indulge, especially after being able to see how scared she was of him that night.
Aaron picked up Boots, the sort of cat who would easily pass the dangle test, and cradled him like a small baby to further give him focus. The kitty purred contentedly in Aaron’s arms as Stef got back up and looked over at him, reaching into his grasp to rub the kitty’s belly fur.
“He’s so charming,” Stef said awkwardly, in the voice she’d been awkwardly practising when it was just the two of them. It was rough, but it was getting there.
“I’m glad you feel that way,” Aaron said.
“I meant Boots,” Stef replied, giving Aaron a squinted, mildly frustrated expression for a brief moment, before the two of them started laughing.
“It’s getting a bit late. I’m gonna get started on some dinner. You should rest today,” Aaron said, moving towards the kitchen. He’d just lie to his father later and say he got takeout. His father wasn’t looking at the statements; Aaron could just lie and use the money for other things. Hell, he might’ve even praised him for being financially responsible and taking advantage of a free ride. “We’ve got yoga early tomorrow.”
“What are you making?” Stef asked, motioning for Boots to be passed to her. He obliged, and the cat only let out a little mrrp as he transferred hands to the other roommate.
“Chicken tikka, if that’s fine,” Aaron replied. The thighs were already in the fridge to be cubed and cooked. The rice cooker had been filled up several hours ago, and the keep warm function was making sure that it didn’t go bad while it waited for the two of them to eat.
“Yeah, I’ve got no problems with that. I shouldn’t complain anyways, so…” Stef shrugged.
“Stef, please. You need to eat,” Aaron replied, looking Stef up and down. She was still too small, the effects of years of starvation definitely apparent. He’d heard her story, and he knew how she was. “I’ve looked into it. You’re going to hurt your chances at the sort of body you want if you keep doing this to yourself. You need something on your bones for hormones to latch onto.”
Stef frowned and looked away from them. “Stop reminding me about that. I’ll do it when I’m ready.”
Aaron knew it was time to drop that subject. He pouted, but then let out a deep sigh and continued.
“Now… I know you got invited to a party by Willow.” Potentially, if Stef only liked girls, which Aaron knew wasn’t the case, she might’ve been someone that Stef could’ve latched onto just fine. She was really pretty–both Stef and Aaron had admitted as much–but she already had a girlfriend, so neither of them were even interested in barking up that tree.
Stef only nodded. She probably wouldn’t admit it in words, but it was obvious that she knew about it but wasn’t willing to acknowledge it. “I want us to both go to the party. Let loose, you know? Try to be teenagers for once.” Aaron winced. He knew both of them were trying to heal. It was tough not being able to be yourself in the context of everything the two of them were dealing with. It would be a temptation for him and a scare for her, but it would be worthwhile.
“I guess,” Stef replied. Boots looked awkwardly at Aaron from within her arms. “I can do that if you’d like me to.”
“Great!” Aaron hadn’t expected much. He’d half expected the idea to be shot down. “It’s at one of the houses on campus. I haven’t got the exact address, but you know how these things are. They can be a bit spontaneous for being big parties.”
He also knew that much of the campus probably wanted little to do with him, but… that was something he didn’t have to mention. His name got around. He was doing this more for her than for him. But she needed friends other than him. If she eventually gave up on him, perhaps that would be fine. He’d move on, be his father’s little protégé, maybe finally strike it lucky with some secretary and have the power imbalance work in his favor for once… but at least he’d be able to live with himself, because he helped someone get their shit together and move on to a new stage in life.
“I’ll… get the tikka started. You rest,” Aaron said. “I think Boots likes you holding him like that.”
Stef gave him a tiny smile. One he’d cherish the entire time he was cooking.
October 11, 2019
“So, I want to circle back to that. Make sure you’re using ‘I’ statements, Aaron. It sounds to me, and let me know if I’m wrong, that you’ve been trying to care for someone to help your own inner self heal a bit more.”
Lisa had been Aaron’s therapist for the past school year. Almsworth had a relatively generous programme regarding therapy services, but Aaron had apparently won a raffle held by the health services centre at the end of last year which entitled him to the full set of therapy sessions free of charge, rather than the limited set that most of the school seemed to have.
He’d tried to offer it to Stef, but she had her own thing going on with the scholarship she’d gotten after their first year on campus. She encouraged him to take advantage of it, even if he could financially afford it otherwise, because it would make him get off his butt and start talking with someone.
Here, though, was one of the few places on campus that he didn’t feel judged, like there were eyes staring him down, ready for him to blow up or make some move that would consign him to social oblivion or expulsion. Here, at least, the students didn’t look at him poorly. Maybe, here, they knew he was at least trying to get help for something. “Yeah. I’ve been their roommate for a couple of years now. I think everyone around us thinks I’m taking advantage of them. That I’m some creepy piece of shit trying to weasel my way into their life, take advantage of their status, and hurt them. I know the rumors, and I know what I’ve done, and I know the only reason I’m still here at this point. I’m a fucking pest that refuses to stay down.”
It was only the second session. Lisa was still getting to know him. The bullying and sexual assaults back at that school his father had sent them to; the pain eating at both of them inside, and all of that? The relationship wasn’t deep enough yet.
“I just… it feels so fucking hard to control. There’s a… there’s a lot going on inside of me. A lot of hatred. A lot of frustration. A lot of desire. I’ve pushed away a lot of people from my actions. But Stef… s… they’ve stuck around. And I’m not sure if it’s because I’m helping them, or because they care about me, but… I can at least be proud of myself for not being my worst self around them.”
His therapist nodded, and made a few notes. “It sounds like you can be proud of yourself for at least not letting that part of you out around your roommate. I’m happy for you on that.”
“Yeah.” Aaron gave her a small smile, but it belied what he really felt inside about everything. “I don’t think I can salvage my reputation now. But… I can do better moving forward. I just… I hate who I was. I hate the person I was made to be by my father. I don’t want to become my father, Lisa.”
“I don’t think that you have to be your father,” she replied. Aaron was almost frustrated at how calm she seemed in each session. Her bouncy curls seemed so perfect, her round glasses rested on a round face, and every part of her, from the curls down to the fluffy oversized sweater and smart skirt with wool leggings, screamed warm. “I think you can be your own person just fine.”
“It’s not that easy, Lisa. There’s a lot of expectations that he-”
“I’d like to return you to ‘I’ statements, Aaron.”
“I don’t think it’s going to be easy. I feel a lot of expectations put upon me.” Aaron huffed. Focusing it on him, and not to try and externalize it, and focus on others, namely Stef, was unfamiliar to him. But this was a space that required him to focus it on himself. “My father is new money. He-” Aaron growled. “Fuck. I feel like he wants me to be a good little heir, to try and put the Holt family on the map. Brown nose to the nobles long enough, maybe I’ll be able to romance some unsuspecting nobleman’s fourth daughter or something and give us some actual status.”
“I’m glad that you’re focusing it on the ‘I’. But it sounds to me like you’re going through a really tough time, given your father’s expectations for you.” Lisa’s voice was slow and incredibly soothing. “In our first session, you talked about how you felt even like your major was questioned. Could you talk a bit more about that?”
“I’ve had my father talk to me about this. ‘Son, geology has no prospects. You need to do something that actually brings some value to your name.’ I placated him with some bullshit about working in the North Sea or working in gold or something like that. That there was still money in all of that. It shut him up, but… I don’t know. I am secure financially for now, and I love rocks, but I’m just thinking about my life and everything going on, and I’m not sure who I’m going to be in a few years. I don't much like the path I feel I'm supposed to be on.” As Aaron spoke, he felt more pressure building on himself. The obvious disapproval that would come with Stef, if she ever finally came out as Steph… even the breathing down his neck that Aaron already experienced over having the same roommate for three years and not even associating with women until almost getting himself expelled.
“I think it’s okay that you don’t feel okay right now, Aaron,” Lisa added. “You just turned 21. You have your whole life ahead of you, and your father is trying to push you towards having it all figured out right now. Correct me if I am wrong, but that must feel stifling.”
“Fuck me, you’re right on the money, Lisa,” Aaron replied, feeling the air leave his lungs and the tension leave his arms as he pressed them down onto his knees. “I just can’t find my feet a lot of the time these days. It’s like I can’t breathe most of the time. I feel so much happier when I’m around Stef. I feel like I can be someone more like myself when I’m with… them.”
“I’m curious as to why you hesitate when you mention Stef,” Lisa said, looking over at Aaron with those big brown eyes. She seemed so non-threatening, so non-judgmental. He honestly was surprised the first time she showed up in the room looking for him. She seemed so young, looking barely younger than him, but she still treated him with care even probably knowing what he’d done. “Would you feel comfortable elaborating?”
“I promised to keep some secrets for them at the moment, if that’s okay. I know that therapy is confidential, but I don’t feel right talking about them directly even here.” Aaron grimaced. “I hope that’s alright.”
“Oh, no, it’s perfectly fine! An important part of therapy is exploring what you feel comfortable exploring. I might try to push you a little bit sometimes and see what you might be able to say to expand your comfort zone, but it’s totally up to you what we do.” She flipped her papers over. “I want to continue down this line of thought, but we’re about to start running out of time. I think we should start scheduling upcoming sessions, and we can start back here next week, if that sounds good.”
“That’s perfect,” Aaron said, smiling.
After checking in with the really nice receptionist with a big button shouting her pronouns out to the world, Aaron walked out into the early October morning chill with a contented smile on his face. It was a start. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start. His therapist had him starting to think about who he could be if he just put effort into finding out who that was.
He pulled out the smartphone in his pocket–brand new, from his dad to indicate that he was growing up in the world–and dialed a number to check in.
“Hey, Elizabeth?” She wasn’t able to call at that moment. She had been a lot busier these days, working with her husband at the restaurant the two mutually shared in Southend. He’d been a couple of times; it was lovely. But they could still exchange voicemails and keep up a longstanding tradition. He’d listened to hers before therapy, but waited until after to respond.
“It’s good to hear from you. Glad to hear that Toby is walking now! Last time I saw him, he could barely hold his head up!”
It’d been several months since he’d gotten to go down to Southend to see her in person. She had a husband now. A kid. Aaron Holt wasn’t a pest to them. They were more family to him than his own father. He was just this little brother figure, always welcome at the restaurant as long as he gave enough notice. Potentially, he could be Toby's big brother! Still, it was difficult to feel like he belonged. Like this Aaron figure was somehow a stranger in Elizabeth’s life, despite being one of her closest friends.
He absentmindedly watched the red, yellow, and brown leaves fall from nearby trees as he walked down the footpath that led from the health centre to the centre of campus.
“I’ve been going to therapy in the past couple of weeks. I’m sorry that I leaned on you so much when I was younger. You had better things to do than listen to a traumatized little boy find some semblance of peace in a fucked up little life. But you did it. And I’m grateful.”
His classmates had destroyed the original copy of her phone number, shoving him into the mud and destroying his phone. But he’d had a permanent marker on him that day, and he’d written it on his upper arm, and in one of his notebooks, and anywhere to allow him to have even the smallest sense of salvation at that school. When he’d peeled himself off of the ground, he found it still legible on his bicep, and he wrote it down so that, when he was able to beg his mother to send him a flip-phone to bridge the gap until it could be replaced, hers was the first he put into it.
“Stef’s… going forward, too.”
He’d told her about this kid that he’d been helping, in his own little way. She got the gist of what was going on, but he refused to confirm anything. Elizabeth teased him in her responses about how stricken he seemed to be, and how faithful he was. She apparently found it adorable, even though Aaron had told her most of the worst of his actions.
Unlike most everyone else, she stuck around. He was sure she’d stick around, as long as he continued to get better. “I want to help… them as best as I can. But I know you said I can’t neglect myself. I’m not. As much as I would like to, Elizabeth, I know I won’t neglect myself. It’s just hard sometimes. But having others involved in my success seems to help. Having a therapist who wants to hear me moving forward, I don’t know, it just… activates something inside of me. Some desire to please others, but not like how I’ve tried to please my dad for so long. There’s not the same… judgment. There’s not the same expectation. There’s just… someone who has zero interest in me being anything specific except myself. And I know you’ve done that, and I know that’s been helpful, but we don’t really have schedules that line up anymore. And I don’t want our friendship to just be that. I view you like a big sister, Liz. I look up to you. And I don’t want to let you down.”
He sighed. He didn’t know how to continue it. Their messages were normally pretty short.
“Thanks for everything. I just wanted to say that. I hope you have a great day, and I can’t wait to get your response.”