Work Text:
This getting worse every day. Every single day, Hálfdán wokes up, and his nightmare continues.
It all because of Matti. His brother didn’t anything wrong, he just exist near Hálfdán, and doing the same things as he doing all the time. Problem was in Hálfdán. In his mind, actually. He can’t name exactly the day, when these thoughts began to visit him. It just… happened one day, and now he can’t do a thing about it. They were like obsessive flies - circling in front of his eyes and in his head every time he looked at Matti. Disgusting, but alluring at the same time. There were practically no boundaries in their relationship. It was absolutely normal for them to constantly touch each other, hug, sleep in the same bed, slap each other's ass (because it was a very funny joke), and many more things that they would not allow other, less close people.
At the age of 14-15, then Hálfdán’s hormones level were high, and he had some strange fantasies about him and his brother. It happened only few times, only in his night dreams, he didn't focus on them, because all teenagers have strange fantasies, there is nothing bad about it. He even discussed it with Matti – with jokes, of course. Matti calls him a pervert few days and made even more jokes. It was funny, and stupid, and it was nothing bad about some stupid jokes. But they were teenagers. They're adults now, and this fantasies were inappropriate.
And Hálfdán don’t know, what to do with it. Every time then Matti was near him, he was in panic, because of his thoughts. And they spend literally every day together – because of Eurovision. Oh yes, and they were about to perform at Eurovision! They were constantly rehearsing, shooting videos in TikTok, and just spending time together, because they're brothers, and it's okay for them to spend a lot of time together. Brothers. Brothers doesn’t have sexual fantasies about each other. Hálfdán was a 99% sure that Matti never has the same thoughts that he has.
He tried so many ways to get rid of them. Hálfdán tried to distract himself from this thoughts, switch his attention for something different, even managed to set aside time in his schedule and go on several dates - nothing helped. Last place, where he went was church. Not their family church, he was driving to the other side of town so that his family wouldn't have any questions about why he spent so much time at church. It didn’t help much, but sitting all alone in quiet place like this help calm down and bring his thoughts into some semblance of order. He was not a very religious person, but every evening he apologized and begged that these «sinful thoughts» would let him go as soon as possible.
Hálfdán tried to discreetly distance himself from his brother, as much as it was possible to do in their situation. Don’t take the initiative and do not start physical contact first. Not to spend time alone with him, only in the company of someone else. Before Hálfdán could think of anything else, his brother noticed the changes. Of course he noticed, it’s Matti – his brother, sensitive, empathetic and attentive, who always noticed Hálfdán’s bad moods first.
“Hálfdán, is something wrong?” asked Matti, after Hálfdán when he once again refused to spend time with him. “If I did something bad, you can always discuss it with me”.
«Not you did something bad, I did» – this Hálfdán wants to answer. “No, Matti, everything is alright. I’m just nervous about Eurovision and that’s all. Don't take it personally”.
“You’re lying right into my eyes, Hálfdán”. Matti take off his glasses and looks directly in Hálfdán’s eyes. Hálfdán looked away and blushed, because the obsessive thoughts reappeared. He wants to close the distance between their lips and kiss him. Fuck. “You've started touching me less, you never agree to hang out after our rehearsals, you go out all the time in the evening, should I continue this list of strange things that you do?”
Hálfdán sighed heavily.
“Look, it’s really not about you. It’s me and my problems, okay? I’ll handle it”.
“Since when have your problems become «your problems» instead of «our problems»? Hálfdán, please, tell me, what’s going on. Put yourself in my shoes - you suddenly shut yourself off from me, and you also go somewhere almost every evening. What should I think?”
His brother still looks directly at him and Hálfdán really wants to start crying. Matti was fucking right and he can’t do anything about it. He can’t explain his feelings, because he was so fucking scared to think that he might lose his brother forever, if he will know the truth. Hálfdán don’t know how he should answer his question.
“I’m sorry if I made you worry about me. I don’t want to. But… look, Matti, this is really the thing, which I need to handle by myself. I promise you, I didn’t do anything wrong, like, selling drugs or something like this”. Hálfdán hardly decided what to answer. “Please, don't take it personally. You're still my brother, whom I love, and if anything, I'll ask for help.”
Matti still look like he doesn’t believe in any of his words. He just put his glasses back, said “Okay” and left. He didn’t believe in any of his words, and it feels. Hálfdán sits on the couch at their studio and starts crying, like he wanted few minutes ago.
Next few days was worse like all days before it. Matti completely ignores him – didn’t write any messages, didn’t say a word to him, didn’t touch him and etc. At first. Hálfdán thought, what would help, but after only one day without Matti around him, without his loud voice, without his jokes, Hálfdán starts suffering from it. More obsessive thoughts appear in his head, and he starts spending more time in church. The pastor, who had not paid attention to him before, sat down with him one evening and asked if he needed help.
This game of silence lasted for about a week, until it reached its peak by Sunday. Hálfdán returned from church late at night - he decided to take a little more drive around the city to unwind. by the end of the week, it became very difficult for him to cope with his thoughts. He even thought about actually discussing them with Matti. This week without him was so hard. But thought about that it could always be like this after this conversation was frightening. Hálfdán parks his car near his house, opens the door, goes in and immediately starts crying, like a hundred time on this week. It took him a moment to hear the knock on the door.
“Hálfdán, it’s me.” Of course, it was Matti. He probably saw his car from his window - they lived in neighboring houses. “I can feel and hear you crying. Let me in, please”.
Hálfdán got up from the floor, wiped his face with one hand and opened the door - it was useless to resist. Matti looked worried.
“What’s happened?” he asked gently. “Hálfdán. Please, tell me, what’s going on”.
Instead of answering, he pulled his brother into his arms and began to cry even harder, putting in “I'm sorry” between the sobs.
Matti hugged his brother back and waited patiently for the wave of tears to subside from him. He was a little scared - this had never happened before. His brother has always been steadfast and remained positive even in the most difficult situations, so what happened now? They moved smoothly from the entrance of the house to the bedroom. Matti laid Hálfdán on the bed. Hálfdán calmed down a little bit.
“So, please, tell me, that’s going on? I promise I wouldn’t be judging you, no matter what you say. I'm your brother, you know?”. Matti lays near him.
“You’re my brother. This is the problem.” Hálfdán replied after a long silence. “I shouldn't be thinking about kissing my brother. I’m sorry. I’m really bad person. I’ll understand if you don’t want to see me anymore”. Hálfdán’s eyes filled with tears again, and he turned himself to the wall. “I’m sorry”.
“That is actually a relief to hear”. Matti smiled. “I was really starting to think that you got involved with drugs, or some kind of crime, or even joined a cult. And here, it's just this. Nothing scary”.
“What do you mean – nothing scary?” Hálfdán turns back to him and stops crying. He stared at Matti like he'd said the dumbest thing in his life. Instead of answering, Matti kissed him. Hálfdán pushed him away and stared at him in incomprehension. “Matti! What are you doing?!”
“What does it look like?” He asked, smiling.
“You shouldn’t be calming me down like that! Don’t do something you don’t like because of me!”
“I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to. Look, Hálfdán, you’re not alone in this thoughts. When you started moving away from me, I thought I could use this as an opportunity to calm down and observe what kind of sudden obsession with you it was. But be without you feels like shit. And now you said it… It made me feel better when I realized that I wasn't alone with it all.”
There was silence in the room for a while.
“This is fucking wrong.” said Hálfdán. “What the fuck”. He stared at the ceiling.
“Yes. But... I guess, we can handle this together. Can I kiss you again?”
“This is fucking wrong.”
“Yes. It's so fucking wrong. So, can I?”
“Yes”.
It's so fucking wrong, but Hálfdán liked it so much. He liked the way his lips felt on Matti’s lips. How awkward it was, and how carefully Matti kissed him, as if he was afraid he would change his mind.
“I think it's okay if we allow ourselves a little more.” Said Matti after they broke the kiss. “And if we don't like it, and in the end we come to the conclusion that it's really fucking wrong, then we'll just remember this period as a stupid funny story.”
Hálfdán hugs his brother, Matti rested his head on his chest.
“We should really focus on Eurovision right now. We must not let our country down. Now is not the time for stupid squabbles between us, right?”
Hálfdán smiles. Matti was right.
“But one day we'll have to do something about it.”
“Not today, Hálfdán. Not today.”