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INT. PADDY'S PUB - DAY
Mac is seated at the bar drinking when Dennis walks in.
DENNIS
(stopping behind the counter and filling a beer)
You would not believe what happened last night, Mac.
MAC
You went home with that cute girl last night.
DENNIS
Oh, so you were paying attention? Good. Well, her name was Ellen May and she was amazing. Farm girl, total freak. Like, freaky freak. No problem with butt stuff.
MAC
(intrigued)
Four star level?
DENNIS
(grimly)
Four and a half.
MAC
So why the face?
DENNIS
(solemn)
She was a mutant, Mac.
MAC
Oh shit.
DENNIS
(horrified, holding back from retching)
Her back was covered in hair. Weird, pointy black hairs. Have you ever seen what an elephant's hair looks like, Mac? It was like that, but all over her back.
MAC
Oh my God, are you okay? Can mutants... transmit stuff?
DENNIS
I’ve been Googling for hours. Nothing concrete, but a forum said something about x-chlamydia.
MAC
(backing away)
That sounds real.
DENNIS
(nods solemnly)
It feels real.
MAC
What are you gonna do?
DENNIS
The first thing I'm going to do when I get out of here is get tested by a real doctor for mutant STDs.
MAC
(frowns)
Wait, didn’t you have condoms?
DENNIS
(deadpan)
Mac, you know I only carry those to put women at ease. I never wear them.
MAC
(nervous laughter)
Riiiight, because that isn’t deceptive at all!
DENNIS
(gives Mac an annoyed look before speaking)
So yeah, I was panicking. I’d just slept with a goddamn mutant! But that's not important right now, what is important -
MAC
You sleeping with an elephant woman wasn’t important?
DENNIS
(annoyed)
She was not an elephant woman, she only had the back hair of - What's important is this!
Dennis reaches into his pocket and pulls out a silver bracelet.
DENNIS
This! This is what the story was building towards, and what we could have covered already if you weren’t such a - (grumbling) can’t say that word anymore.
MAC
Is that a mutant cure bracelet?
DENNIS
(relieved, almost proud)
Yes it is, Mac. I'm proud you recognize it. I considered taking it as payback for her deception, and it will allow me to -
MAC
(raises a hand, interrupts nervously)
Her deception? Dennis, you told her you were a backup Avenger.
DENNIS
(irritated)
No, Mac, I did not tell her I was a backup Avenger, because that’s such an unbelievable lie I would never tell it. You might though! I told her I was rejected from Alpha Flight because I refused to move to Canada.
MAC
(loud disbelief)
How is that more believable?
DENNIS
(angrily)
Because the Avengers are A-list superheroes, and I couldn’t tell you what Alpha Flight does besides clear geese and meese out of populated areas! And I don’t know why, but mutants hate Canada, so it was two birds with one stone! One unintended stone since I didn’t know she was a mutant at the time, but a stone thrown nonetheless!
MAC
(under his breath)
Meese?
DENNIS
To arrive at the point, I will use this bracelet to blend in with them and have my pick of the previously unattainable mutant beauties on my radar.
MAC
Weren’t you just worried about the weird diseases mutants have?!
DENNIS
The gross ones have weird diseases, Mac! Not the good-looking ones! You've seen the X-Women, do they look diseased to you? No! They look like goddesses; I'm the Golden God, I will have them!
The door jingles as Charlie enters.
CHARLIE
Hey guys, what’s the haps?
Charlie joins Mac at the bar. Mac subtly takes a bleach bottle out of Charlie’s hand and replaces it with a beer, which Charlie accepts with a shrug.
DENNIS
I’m planning my sexual conquest of beautiful mutant ladies. I have one of their mutation-suppressing bracelets, which I will use to blend in. You know how hard it is to get in with the mutant community...
FRANK
(shouting from across the bar)
Yeah, those muties are worse than Jews!
Everyone reacts, aghast.
MAC
Frank!
DENNIS
You can’t just say that!
CHARLIE
(confused)
What, Jews?
MAC
No, mutie! That’s a slur!
FRANK
How is that a slur?!
DENNIS
You used the hard M and don’t pretend you didn’t.
FRANK
(muttering)
Mutie is a slur now... I knew I should’ve gone in with Trask in the 70s...
The others ignore him and return to the conversation.
CHARLIE
(smirking, reaching for the bleach - Mac swats his hand - he sips the beer instead)
You know, I’ve had some sexual encounters with mutants.
DENNIS
(morbid curiosity)
You have?
CHARLIE
(nodding, distant)
Yeah, in the sewers.
Mac and Dennis exchange a look and sigh.
CHARLIE
I’ve encountered many mutants when scavenging in the sewers. They're territorial, that leads to things. One moment you're grappling with a rat woman, then you're really grappling with her...
MAC
(speaks gently as Charlie trails off)
Are you sure that you weren't hallucinating from huffing paint while you were wrestling a giant sewer rat to death?
CHARLIE
Oh, no, she's definitely a mutant. I asked. The Morlocks are really open about that.
MAC
(whispering)
What’s a Morlock?
DENNIS
(whispering back)
Don’t even ask.
CHARLIE
(smiling wistfully)
So yes, I can get you an in with the mutants, Dennis. Might need to change those clothes before we go into the sewers but—
DENNIS
(yelling)
The sewers are not the plan! They are never the plan! I will have no part in your perverse fantasies of sewer sex with hideous mutants! I will decide which one of the hot mutant ladies I shall target and add to my collection of conquests!
MAC
So who did you have in mind?
DENNIS
(sweating, smiling unhinged)
I’ve narrowed it down to Jean Grey, Storm, Rogue, or Emma Frost. You see -
A loud screech is heard as something large and feathered runs from the backroom and out the front door.
The Gang stares at the door in stunned silence.
DENNIS
(eyes wide)
What the fuck was that?
FRANK
(waddles over, nonplussed)
That’s Dee. I injected her with something I got off a dinosaur guy last week. She’s a large, scaly, feathered biped now.
MAC
(smiles as he has a light-bulb moment)
Hmm. A large, feathered biped... Dennis, what do we call that?
DENNIS
(the horror fades, he smiles)
One might call that... a bird.
CHARLIE
(sidling up and taking back the bleach while the others are distracted)
Dee’s an actual bird now?
DENNIS
(wry)
From a certain point of view, she’s always been a bird, hasn’t she? This might be easier in some ways, as we’ll no longer have to deal with her trashy comments, her drunken schemes, her horrible attempts at acting... (sighs) Yes, I could get used to this.
FRANK
Well don’t get too used to it. It’ll wear off in a day.
DENNIS
God damn it. Well at least I’ll have a day of freedom from her.
MAC
Does she know it’ll wear off?
FRANK
(chuckling)
She doesn’t even know I dosed her!
MAC
(concerned)
Should... should we go find her?
DENNIS
(shrugs)
Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?
EXT. PHILADELPHIA - MORNING
The Waitress walks to work, enjoying a rare morning without Charlie stalking her. Someone compliments her. She smiles. Maybe today will be a good day...
A horrifying raptor screech pierces the air. The camera zooms in on her face as she screams and a shadow rapidly falls over her.
SMASH TO BLACK.
END.