Archive of Our Own

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“AAHHHHHH!!”

The scream woke Sanemi up with a jolt. And it all happened too quickly. The harsh sound of a hand slapping against skin and the sharp thud that followed. 

Genya’s wail and cries struck Sanemi to his core as he fought against the covers trapping him. His limbs finally freed, he scrambled to his brother’s side, quickly covering him with his own body before looking around for the threat. There wasn’t any. There was no Kyogo. Just Mama huddling in on herself. She looked spooked, a far away look on her face, like she wasn’t there. 

Genya was still crying burying his face in Sanemi’s shirt. His pained whimpers were like daggers to Sanemi’s ears and heart. Sanemi rubbed his small, bare shoulders that were peeking out from his shirt. 

Genya clung tighter as a full body sob was rung out of the smaller boy. Sanemi scooped the boy closer to himself rubbing a hand up and down his bony back as they sat on the floor. 

Sanemi looked at his Mama again, brows pinched in worry. 

“Ma.” He called.

She stared blankly ahead of her as if looking at something he couldn’t see. 

“Ma.” He called again. She wouldn’t look at him. Her face was pale like a ghost’s. He searched her face, eyes scanning the pinch of her brows, the crinkle by her eyes, and the downturn of her trembling lips. 

“What happen-” He started but was cut off by her turning her face away abruptly.

Bewildered and hurt by her actions, and now feeling a little scared himself, Sanemi tightened his arms around Genya. The little boy whimpered again, clinging closer to Sanemi. 

She didn’t answer him. She laid down, rolling onto her side facing away from the two. 

Her form was still and soon after her breathing evened out as she fell asleep.

Sanemi was scared and confused, his arms shaking. Why was Mama acting like that? He looked at the dark head of hair below his chin and cradled the back of it with his hand. His eyes searched her form like it would tell him the answer, but it didn’t. The slow up and down of her side moving told him she was breathing, and that was all it told him.

He pulls Genya fully into his lap and slowly rocks himself to soothe himself and the crying boy. But despite it, small hiccups could still be heard below him. So he shifted Genya so he clung to him like a monkey and shuffled slowly on bent knees with one arm holding Genya’s back as he crawled back to their futon. 

He laid them both down gingerly, using his right hand to pull the blanket over them both while Genya still clung to him tightly. His hand went back to cradling Genya’s head. Fingers slowly combed through black hair like their Mama would do for him sometimes. But Genya wasn’t calming down.

“Shhh,” he shushes, "It's okay.” Genya’s small sniffles could still be heard as Sanemi’s hand cards through his hair. They lay there until the number of sniffles dwindles along with the small knots the older boy found with his fingers.

Sanemi shifts back, intent on seeing Genya’s face, but Genya chases him, clinging tighter to his shirt. He was trying to hide. But Sanemi doesn’t let him and pushes him back until his grip loosens enough on Sanemi’s shirt to see his little brother’s face.

Genya looks up with a begging look. His face is washed in sadness, sadder than he’s ever seen Genya’s sunshine face.

Sanemi wipes a thumb under one of Genya’s eyes and the boy scrubs his face pushing his older brother's hand away. He’s pouting but the sadness takes over again, even draining the irritation from the younger’s face. Sanemi doesn’t like it.

“Genya,” he says softly, concern edging his voice, “Tell me what happened.”

He shakes his head. 

“No.”

“Genya…”

He shakes his head again. 

“No. Too sad.” He says as tears start to well up in his eyes again. The older’s brows furrow further in concern and he bites his lip.

Sanemi doesn’t want him to cry again, so he forces a small grin to take over his face.

“Then smile. That’ll make you happy.” He says to him.

An angry pout pulls at the smaller face below him as those angry eyes meet his. 

“No.” He says firmly.

“No?” Sanemi echoes.

Genya nods ‘ yes’ sharply, brows still drawn.

Then Sanemi, in an innocent voice, says, “Then I guess I’ll just have tooo… make you happy .”

Tickling hands meet Genya’s sides suddenly and he squirms, giggling. He fights to keep the smile off his face while Sanemi fights to keep it on. Genya loses the battle and fully gives in to a blinding smile.

They breathe out panting as they calm their hearts from their laughter. Both boys wear a matching smile until Sanemi’s eyes trail across the red mark appearing on Genya’s still chubby cheeks. There was a dark bruise slowly taking its place. Sanemi’s smile shrinks and he asks again, putting a smaller smile on as he meets his brother’s gaze.

“Now will you tell me what happened?” He hedges.

He sees the happiness drain from Genya’s face and the sadness replaces it again. Dang it , Sanemi thinks. 

“I’m still sad, Nemi.” Sanemi hums, thinking. His face brightens as a thought catches.

“Then you leave me no choice.” He says, as a devious grin spreading his lips. “I’m calling you something.”

Genya’s eyes flash open wide, “No Aniki!” He says angrily. 

Sanemi's eyes widen in glee. A mischievous smirk splitting onto his face now, “I’ll call you twerp.” He snickers remembering Genya’s displeasure from earlier that day.

Genya scowls and still misinterprets the word.

“I’m not a bird.” He crosses his arms.

Sanemi’s smile widens and he chuckles.

“Oh you’re definitely a bird. With that bird's nest on top of your head?” He laughs and rubs his knuckles into the little boy’s hair. Genya squirms trying to get away and slaps at his brother’s arm. Sanemi relents with one last laugh and looks at Genya and hums again in thought. Sanemi taps his chin. “But you're so small…”

Genya whines shoving at his older brother, not wanting to take any more teasing.

Sanemi snaps his fingers. “I’ve got it! You’re a baby bird.”

Genya’s mouth drops open at the offense. His offended features on full display as he sputters. “I’m not a baby !”

Sanemi's eyes crinkle in amusement, humming in appreciation of his brother’s approval. “So you think you're like a bird as well. I’m glad we agree.” He says smugly.

Genya huffs, frustrated. “I’m not a bird either.” He says and then hits his brother hard in the chest.

Sanemi huffs out a wheeze. His little brother was getting stronger. He could feel it. Right there , the little rascal. He chortles and winces at his now sore chest.

“You’ll be my baby bird until you tell me what happened.” He teases, pain straining his voice. Dang, his lungs hurt now .

Genya huffs, his face scrunched up. The little angry face slowly melts into the same sadness as before as his eyes start to water again. Ah crap. Worry blooms in Sanemi and all traces of teasing completely fall away. 

Sanemi pulls him closer and watches him while he waits for Genya to speak. He shuffles and rubs Sanemi’s shirt between his fingers. Then Genya mutters something so quiet that Sanemi, even though he’s this close, can’t understand it.

“What?”

Genya speaks up, his voice as wobbly as the tears threatening to fall in his eyes. 

“Mama hit me.” He whispers.

Those three words rattle Sanemi’s world. His eyes go wide. 

What . 

Mama hit Genya?  

Mama hit Genya ? 

His thoughts are racing and his own eyes start to well up with tears. Sanemi’s shoulders shake, threatening sobs. 

Why would she do that? She loves us. She wouldn’t do that.  

But it makes too much sense. There was no one else that could have done that to Genya. Kyogo wasn’t home. Then a thought strikes fear into him. Is she starting to hate them like Kyogo did? Sanemi trembles, bottom lip wobbling. Not Mama too. 

He buries his face in Genya’s hair and the tears leak onto the dark fluff below. A sob racks Sanemi’s body and he squeezes Genya closer. Genya lets out a pained squeak and pulls back. Sanemi’s eyes find the forming bruise on Genya’s face again. 

Mama did that. His tears run hot down his cheeks. Not Kyogo. His lips wobble. 

The longer he looks at the slowly forming bruise the more something is stoked inside him. His eyes pulse in anger. The feeling builds and swells as he hears his and his brother’s crying until one single thought makes sense in the storm brewing in his mind. 

I hate her. 

A sharp pain strikes his heart like a double-edged blade, but he pushes it away even though he wants to cry at the thought. He forces himself to stay angry and lets the building swell of rage spew.

If she wants to hate us, then I. Hate. Her.  

His breath is coming out in short huffs and tears continue to roll down his heated face. 

Memories of wanting to be like her come unbidden to his mind. He could feel the way she caressed his cheek and hugged him and gave him kisses good night, but it only serves to make him angrier. His skin boils and shakes them off in a rage. I don’t want to be like her! Her face flashes through his mind soon followed by his father’s. I don’t want to be like them! He brings Genya closer. Mamas and Fathers are worthless. He spits venomously in his mind. As his breathing slows and his thoughts with it, he feels Genya trying to hug him back. 

A watery, “I’m sorry Nemi,” is what he hears first and it makes Sanemi go still. He shouldn’t be sorry , but Genya continues, blubbering out words around his tears and snot. 

“I wanted Mama cuz I h-had a bad dream. I thought M-mama would scare it away. But she didn’t.” He trembles and his little lips wobble. He sobs harder against Sanemi. 

“Why did she hit me, Nemi? Is she mad at me? Did I make her mad, Nemi? What if she never scares the bad dreams away again?” He’s crying, begging Sanemi for answers as he fists Sanemi’s shirt. So Sanemi hugs his brother tightly. Something overwhelming hits him at that moment and he knows what to say.

“I’ll do it.”

Genya pauses in his cries, lifting a teary-eyed face and snotty nose to see his brother’s face. Sanemi looks at his brother with a look Genya had never seen before. 

“I’ll protect you from the bad dreams Genya. I’ll protect you from everything .” He declares fiercely, his eyes like a fire. 

“We don’t need a Mama.” He spits, shocking the little boy. “We only need each other.” He continues softly. His eyes search Genya’s to see if he understands. Genya nods. His brother is right. He’s always right. He sniffles and snuggles closer to Sanemi and rests his head on his chest. 

“Only each other.” Genya repeats in a shaky voice. Sanemi’s head nods ‘yes’ against Genya’s. 

“I’ll protect you Genya.” His arms hold him securely and he lifts his hate-filled eyes to narrow at the sleeping form of their mother. 

“ I promise. ” 

—

The next morning Sanemi is woken by the sun like usual. Genya is still curled in his arms with his head resting against Sanemi’s arm that’s under him. The both of them are still laying on their sides like the night before. 

Sanemi sees movement out of the corner of his eye. He turns his face to see his mother moving their mending baskets into the kitchen. Narrowed lavender eyes watch as she moves and hefts the baskets closer to the bench and prepping table. 

She finally gets them to the table where the ferns are no longer drying. She must have put them up already. She opens her basket and pulls out her tray, needles, and threads. They’re neatly set up on the prepping table. As she turns to pull out the mending her eyes meet Sanemi’s.

He glares menacingly and hopes she feels every ounce of hate he now has for her. He pulls Genya closer in a protective hold. 

Her eyes shine with emotion and her lip wobbles. She looks back at the mending and it looks like tears are coming to her eyes. A weird feeling prods at Sanemi’s chest but he shoves it away. He doesn’t care if she cries. He hates her.

He watches her move, glare still in place. Genya stirs beside him and he looks down. The bruise had gotten worse. It was swollen and was roughly in the shape of his Mama’s hand. 

A queasy feeling rests in Sanemi’s stomach and hot angry tears come to his eyes, which he doesn’t allow to fall. He holds Genya closer to his chest for comfort. A different, overwhelming, emotion prods at his chest, poking into his heart with the desire to be named. He feels- he thinks for a moment. He feels betrayed . Mamas shouldn’t do what she did. Neither should Father’s. He thought he could trust her . 

He shakes his head as hot tears trail down his face without his permission. But she’s just like him. His eyes burn. He wipes the tears away with his shoulder. His eyes rest on her back as she moves in the kitchen. He hates her. He tries to hold them back, but the tears come again anyway.

Sanemi lays there while his tears roll down his cheeks, dripping into Genya’s hair. Genya stirs again, starting to wake up. He winces a little as he opens his eyes, the skin beside them slightly swollen. Sanemi quickly wipes his face on his shoulder again before Genya can see. 

“H-hey Genya. How’re you feeling?” Sanemi asks. He sees Mama tense out of the corner of his eye. Good, he thinks at her, you should feel bad.

“Hurts Nemi.” He says wincing again when he widens his mouth. The skin beside it is also swollen. Sanemi frowns at this. His eyes trace the swelling from Genya’s mouth, to the corner of his eye, to his temple curving down and stopping right before his ear. The injury and swelling practically covered the left side of his face, with the bruises at the center.

His eyes meet Genya’s and he forces a smile. “It’ll get better Genya.” He says. There wasn’t much they could do about it now. 

Genya’s eyes shift to the side and latch onto the small form of their mother sitting on her bench at the table. She was sitting stiffly. There wasn’t any humming. In fact the only noise was the swish of fabric as she moved the shirt she was mending. 

They could see her hands trembling which was unusual for their Mama. She always had steady hands. It was those ‘steady hands’ that made them money from mending. 

Genya made to get up and go to their mother, probably to apologize, having forgotten their discussion the previous night, but Sanemi forced him to stay beside him. Genya frowned at Sanemi’s hands holding him there. He looks at Sanemi with pinched brows, a question on his lips, but Sanemi can tell the moment that Genya realizes why he was stopping him. His face morphs from understanding to sorrow. 

“But I…I want to say sorry Nemi.” He whispers.

“She doesn’t deserve a ‘sorry’.” He whispers back harshly.

Genya flinches back at his voice before nodding, lowering his small brows and looking conflicted. And with that their day starts. Sanemi helps Genya get dressed and then they make their way to the kitchen. 

Sanemi can feel her looking at them, but he doesn’t look back. He rummages through the cabinet and once he finds what he’s looking for, grabs a handful of dried ferns and hands some to Genya. He turns to his mother and glares at her and Genya looks between them anxiously.

She goes to speak. “Sanemi-”

He turns not letting her speak to him. “Come on Genya. Let’s go look at my beetles.” He says and as they leave to the backyard he turns a glare towards his mother again. Her face pinches and she turns back to the table and listens as her boys shut the shoji door on their way out.

—

The sun shines, slowly rising to its peak as two boys crouch down in the corner of the yard. Birds chirp and a warm breeze rustles their clothes and hair as they poke sticks into the loosely weaved bamboo basket in front of them. They prod and poke, trying to encourage the horned beetles within to move. 

“Why are there so many nii-san?” Genya asks as he watches the beetles move under the moist dirt. 

“Cause the parents left them behind.” Sanemi says moving his stick to gently prod at a large beetle. Genya’s brows furrow as he looks at the beetles moving slowly before them in the dark container. 

“That’s sad. I’m sorry, beetles.” He says to them, leaning closer to talk to them. He looks at the ones surfacing from the dirt. 

“Why do some have horns?” Genya asks. He sits down on his bum and pulls his knees up, content now to just watch now that the beetles are moving.

“Cause some are boys and the others are girls.” Sanemi answers and joins his brother, leaning back to sit and watch through the bamboo cage. Genya nods in understanding before confusion colors his face and he looks at Sanemi.

“But which is which?” Sanemi looks at him and then back at the beetles. The wind shifts his hair and he brushes it back. He points at the ones with horns. 

“I think these ones are the boys. They’re really big and strong looking.” He smiles proudly, glancing back at Genya.

Genya smiles a toothy smile and nods along. “They’re really pretty. I hope we keep them forever.” He says throwing his arms wide to show how long ‘forever’ was.

Sanemi nods happily. He smiles. “Me too.” He stares at the beetles smiling while resting his head on his knees. He lays his head to the side and looks back at Genya before he speaks. 

“Ya know they used to be real ugly.” Genya looks at him. Sanemi nods at the beetles. 

“Yeah they looked like fat worms and crawled around in the dirt, and then they turned even uglier. They looked all squishy and brown before getting darker and getting harder backs. They can fly too.” He says. 

Genya’s eyes widen at the flying bit as he looks back at the now beautiful bugs, trying to imagine them as ugly. He shakes his head, unable to see them as anything but as they are.

Sanemi bumps his left elbow into Genya’s right arm. “Did you want to feed them?” He asks and Genya’s eyes widen, an excited grin spreading, but winces a little and shrinks his smile, still excited. Sanemi eyes glance at the swollen side of his brother's face before shifting to stand. He holds out a hand to help his brother up. “Come on.” Genya grabs his hand and follows his brother. 

The grass tickles their feet, brushing it where their sandals don’t cover. Genya giggles at the feeling, kicking his feet along the grass as they walk. 

Sanemi leads him around their house instructing Genya to pick flowers. He’s a little confused by this, but he likes picking flowers, so he does so without complaint. Once they have a couple handfuls, Sanemi heads back to the bamboo cage. 

The brothers kneel beside it and Sanemi begins to pick off the flower heads and dropping them in. Genya almost protests at the ripping of perfectly good flowers until he sees the beetles scurry to them and follows his brother’s example. The brothers continue to do this until all that’s left is stems. Genya looks as the beetles.

“They eat flowers?” Genya cocks his head at Sanemi, trying to confirm his suspicions.

“Yes.”

“How’d you know nii-san?” Sanemi looks at his brother, laughing a little at his face. His brows are raised and eyes wide as they stare at Sanemi. 

He chuckles. “Their parents were eating from flowers when I found them in the woods.” Sanemi pauses. “I think they also eat tree sap, cause the mama looked like she was eating that when I was watching them. But yeah, they eat flowers.” Genya nods seriously. 

“You’re smart nii-san.” He says, awe in his voice as his eyes practically sparkle. Sanemi smiles.

“Thanks. Ya know the babies eat rotten wood?” Genya’s head whips to the side, eyes wide. 

“Really?” He says. 

Sanemi nods. “Yeah. If I didn’t figure that out, they would have died.” 

Genya’s brows pinch as he looks at the hungry beetles. Genya scoots closer and leans his head against his brother’s shoulder. 

“I’m glad you’re smart Nemi.” 

Sanemi rests his left arm around Genya, pulling him closer and rests his head atop his.

“Thanks bud.”

They sit and watch as the beetles feast, squirming and bumping each other to get to the flowers in the enclosed space. Sometimes a small fight would breakout between the beetles making the two brothers giggle and cheer the beetles on. The sun had begun to grow hotter as it rose in the morning sky and Sanemi’s thoughts shifted to his mother. 

He watched a male beetle, smaller than the others, eat. His eyes trailed over the dark red and black bug. His mother had talked to him yesterday about wanting to see if these beetles were edible. Most were he knew. He had said to her that they would race the beetles soon and the weakest ones would be what they would eat. That little beetle would probably be eaten. 

Sanemi’s face sours and anger petters to life in his chest. He didn’t know how he felt now. He knew yesterday he’d do anything to make sure Mama wouldn’t have to worry about food, even sacrificing his baby beetles, but then last night…Sanemi huffs a little. 

Genya giggles beside him, slightly jostling Sanemi as he watches two male beetles fall over from fighting each other. Sanemi looks back at the smaller beetle, sadly but making up his mind. He’d sacrifice them for Genya, and for his mother, he supposed, but only because she still had their new siblings in her belly.

Sanemi’s thoughts drift to the unborn twins. His mother was inside right now working on the mending. Usually Sanemi would be right beside her. The morning after getting new stuff from their clients to fix and wash was always busy. 

They would eat, get ready for the day, then begin mending the clothing they were given to mend. Then they’d wash the other, dirty clothes and hang them up. After, they’d take a break to eat lunch and then work through the rest of the day washing, mending, hanging clothes to dry. 

By the time the sun went down they’d stop to make dinner and eat. Then they’d bring in all the dried clothes to fold tomorrow and after, get Genya ready for bed. Sanemi and Shizu would continue to mend clothing until they grew tired. Sanemi always got tired first and would be sent to bed while his mother stayed up long after him. All in all, days like this one were very busy. 

It would be hard on their Mama to do it all by herself if Sanemi didn’t help her. But he didn’t want to help her. He hated her. He looks over at Genya’s face, where he could see the swollen bruising. The anger pettered to life once more, before dying out. A sigh escapes his lips.

He couldn’t let his anger get in the way when he still had to protect his siblings and help make money with Mama. Sanemi stands, a determined look crossing his face. I’ll help her, but only for the babies and Genya . He looks down at Genya as Genya looks at him and cocks his head.

“Where you going, Nemi?” He asks.

“To help Mama.” He says.

Genya has a questioning look on his face. Sanemi, seeing this, says. “I need to help her with the clothes, so we can make money and get food and stuff, and I need to help the babies in her belly.” Genya nods before looking down and not meeting Sanemi’s eyes. 

“I still want to say sorry Nemi.” He says in a small voice. The anger sparks in Sanemi again, but he tries to soften it.

“You don’t have to say sorry Genya. She should say sorry.” He answers sternly while crossing his arms. 

Genya’s watery eyes meet his.

“B-but I don’t want Mama to think I hate her.” He stutters. 

Sanemi huffs and turns away while his brows furrow. “Well I do.” He says bitterly.

“Nemi!” He gasps. 

“Well I do. ” He says to Genya more firmly. “If she can do that then I can hate her like father.” He says gesturing to the left side of Genya’s face. 

Genya huffs and crosses his arms. His baby cheeks puff out and he scrunches his face at his older brother, still wincing at the pain. “I don’t.” He says petulantly, willing to be in pain to show Sanemi his angry face.

“You should! She hit you Genya.” Sanemi says, raising his voice. 

“Mama was scared!” Genya stands and stomps his foot while clenching his fists at his side. 

“No she wasn’t!” Sanemi yells back stubbornly.

“Yes she was!” Genya yells. 

Both boys are breathing harshly. Eyes wide in anger and faces flushed. The Genya’s belly gurgles in hunger and they both look at the belly for interrupting them. Genya turns away crossing his arms over his belly. “She was.” Genya says getting the last word in. 

Sanemi turns away, sighing frustrated. “Come on. Let’s go eat lunch. We gotta help Mama catch up anyway.” 

Genya nods sharply, refusing to meet Sanemi’s eyes as they walk back to the house.

—

The two boys come into the kitchen and see their mother making a soup of some kind. Sanemi recognizes the smell of ferns, nettles, and garlic. The room is filled with the aroma and sounds of a ladle scraping the bottom and sides of the pot. No one speaks. 

Sanemi glances at the bare dining table and seat cushions and begins wordlessly setting the table with Genya trailing behind him to help. Once set, they look at the barrel in the corner. Sanemi knew it was low yesterday and with a glance at the pot on the stove, he knew they’d have to get more water for them to drink. 

With a turn, he picks up the two small buckets beside the barrel and hands one to Genya. It takes quite a long time, but they eventually fetch water from the well outside and bring it in, with Genya’s only half as filled as Sanemi’s. 

Once back inside Genya gets the job of ladling water into the cups, which he spills. Multiple times. But in the end, each cup is filled and the bowls beside them may or may not be as well. 

The rest of the water they dump into the barrel for later, replacing the lid. Then the two sit and wait, listening to their mother stir the soup. Sanemi sips the water out of his bowl, not knowing what else to do in this silence. This silence only belonged here when Kyogo was home to eat with them. It didn’t belong when it was just the three of them. 

After a little wait, their Ma finishes, bringing the pot over to the table and ladles a spoonful into each bowl. The steam rises tickling Sanemi’s face. He glances at his mother as she moves to set the pot back on the stove. She looks miserable. And like she’s been crying. Something uncomfortable squirms in his chest, but he ignores it and begins blowing off his food.

The day continues much like that. Silent. Awkward. Uncomfortable. And tense. Sanemi and Genya had begun working on the washing first. Genya would fetch water and help wash the clothing, and Sanemi, being taller, would hang the clothing after rinsing it. They worked well together, knowing where each other were as they moved. But they didn’t talk, not with two still being upset from their earlier argument. After finishing, they moved inside to help. 

Genya went off and played in the corner with the wooden toys that used to be Sanemi’s while Sanemi helped his mother with the mending. He would pull things from his basket, find the correct thread, fix the item, and then pile it beside him. The pattern continued and he fell into the familiar rhythm.

They were sitting at the prepping table beside the stove, on the bench together. It was a familiar setting but not the same. The silence was still there. No humming or talking. No laughter either. It made the room feel gloomy and stifling. The only thing heard was Genya mumbling to himself as he spoke for the toys in his hands. Usually, he’d talk aloud and they would hear the stories he had concocted for the toys. But not today. Today wasn’t a day to hear cheerful stories played by toys.

Sanemi glanced at his mother and quickly looked back to his mending. He wanted her to say something, anything, but she didn’t. She kept her silence. He could see her from the corner of his eye. Her form was bowed and her face troubled by something, Maybe guilt? She should feel guilty. She deserves it. Her face was also tired. Something pokes at his chest and he shoves it away. He wasn’t worried. He didn’t care. Sanemi focused more intensely on the tear in the plain black kimono in front of him. His mother sighs beside him audibly, making him tense, but he acts like nothing happened. 

“Sanemi. Genya. We need to talk.” She says quietly. 

Sanemi tenses again and still works on the mending. He hears Genya’s mumbling stop and hears the clatter as he puts the wooden toys down. Genya’s feet shuffle across the floor as he makes his way to the kitchen. 

“Sanemi.” She calls, but he continues the stitches, ignoring her. Now she finally wants to talk? “Sanemi.” She calls again. What about this morning? What about last night!? His stitches move faster, still precise, until he nicks his finger. He hisses, dropping the kimono and needle into his lap. He sticks his thumb in his mouth and whips his head to his mother with a glare, but falters at the look on her face. 

She looks broken, pleading, and weary, like a burden was dropped on her shoulders heavier than she could handle. She motions for them to move to the table. 

Sanemi huffs and continues sucking the blood from the pricked spot on his thumb. He doesn’t want to go. He sees his mother and Genya move from the corner of his eye. 

His mother starts to kneel but goes off kilter as she does. Sanemi is up in a flash, grabbing her elbow to steady her. She looks at Sanemi and gives a small smile before settling on the floor with one hand holding her stomach. Sanemi keeps a neutral face and decides to join them. He sits cross-legged, crosses his arms, and sticks his pricked thumb back in his mouth.

Sanemi watches as Genya settles to the right of their mother and much closer to her than Sanemi was. It made a sour feeling bubble up in his stomach. Mama trails her eyes over Genya’s bruises that she can clearly see from this angle. His face was still swollen and would likely be that way for a couple of days. The older boy could see the guilt building the longer she looked and in a weird way it made Sanemi feel better. 

All day he had wanted to say something mean and hurtful to her to get her to realize what she had done, to acknowledge what she had done to Genya. He wanted to shake her and wake her from her silence and maybe yell and scream. 

He had wanted her to feel ignored, but he hadn’t expected her to ignore them, or well …she didn’t ignore them. But she didn’t say anything either, but that just made him more angry. She hit Genya. The least she could do was fess up to it and say sorry. 

But now seeing her feel that guilt made it all dissipate. But he wouldn’t let her off the hook easily, so he kept his glare up and sucked on his thumb. He wished he didn’t need to. His face briefly pouted. It made him look like a baby again. 

Movement caught his eyes as he saw his mother briefly reach a hand towards Genya’s face as if to hold it, but stopped herself and let her hand fall back into her lap. A pained look crossed her face as a disappointed look crossed Genya’s. Genya watched their mother sadly as she replaced her hands. He was probably thinking she thought he hated her like he said that morning. A shuddering breath left their mother as she sucked in air and let it out.

“I’m sorry.” She starts. Sanemi pulls his thumb from his mouth.

Her head raises and she looks at both their faces. Sanemi can see the regret and sorrow there. But mostly the guilt. Glistening eyes look at Genya and he tries to smile at her. Her knuckles turn white with how she’s clenching them in her lap. 

“I hurt you.” She chokes. 

Her eyes turn to Sanemi and he glances to the side. 

“And broke your trust.” She whispers. 

A shuddering breath goes in and goes out again. Her eyes lowered to her white-knuckled grip. 

“I have never wanted to hurt you. I have always wanted to protect you. And I never meant to-”

“Then why did you?” Sanemi’s harsh voice cuts in, unable to help himself. 

Her tears flow freely as her startled face meets Sanemi’s even harsher glare. His face is brittle, riddled with anger, hurt, and betrayal. She could see the tears welled up deep in his eyes, but they weren’t spilling. 

Sanemi stands to his feet as his anger spikes. 

“Why did you do that ?!” He yells practically in her face even at a distance. His arm swings wide to point at Genya’s face. Shizu looks. Genya doesn’t meet either of their eyes. He just fiddles with his fingers. 

“Do you hate us?!” Sanemi’s childish voice cracks and Shizu whips around in horror to stare at her eldest. Tears are cascading down his cheeks now, falling off his long lashes as he stares, at her, broken. His voice wobbles as he continues to yell.

“Why’d you do it?! Why’d you hit him?! I thought you loved us! But you hate us! You’re supposed to be a Mama! You’re supposed to be my Mama! Our Mama! Why’re you being like him ?!” He shouts. He sobs and tries to rub away tears that won’t stop rolling, cheeks too wet to wipe them away. His nose begins to snot as he hiccups. 

Shizu sits shocked. She can hear Genya crying as well. She unfreezes and slowly reaches for Sanemi’s hand and tugs it. He jerks away, resisting weakly, still scrubbing his face with one arm. She tugs again towards her and he follows. She pulls him close and pulls him in until he’s sitting on what’s left of her lap after the baby bump. 

She tucks his head under hers and hugs him close, listening to his hiccuping cries. Her tears fall down her face into his snow white hair as she squeezes her eyes shut. She opens them to look at Genya who’s still crying. 

He’s rubbing his face and spreading his snot and tears along his arms. Shizu holds out a hand and he practically runs and slams into them both. She holds her boys crying with them until the sniffles die down and the snot runs dry and the tears slow to a turtle's pace. They pull away and look at her with expectant, red rimmed, eyes. 

Shizu looks down in shame. 

Her voice is soft as she speaks. “I had almost been asleep.” She starts. She stares at her open palms in her lap. They start to shake. 

“It was dark. Someone had turned off the lights.” She pauses, taking in a shaky breath. 

“I could feel someone above me. I thought your father was home, maybe, and hadn’t bothered us for some reason. Or maybe he wasn’t there at all.” She trails off and tears spring to her eyes. Her voice becomes strained. 

“I opened my eyes and it was him. He was over me and I- I-” She chokes on a sob. 

“I panicked.” She said and covered her mouth. 

“And when I looked back it wasn’t your father.” She looks at Genya. 

“I’m so sorry honey. I didn’t know. I don’t know what happened. I thought you were- You looked like-” She cuts herself off, regret clear on her face for comparing Genya to him . She looks at her lap again. Silence washes over them and Sanemi swallows. 

“Why-” He starts, catching his mother’s attention. He clears his throat. “Why didn’t you say anything after? Or when we woke up?” He asks in a small voice, needings to know. His eyes search her face as she answers.

She clears her throat and meets their eyes. “That night…I don’t know. I saw what happened and then I’m not completely sure what happened after. I just woke up the next morning. And today…I-” She pauses as she searches her own thoughts before continuing. 

“I didn’t know how. It was clear you both were upset with me this morning and wanted space.” She says softly. “So I gave it. I think we all needed time to think on it. But I couldn’t let it last forever.” She finished.

Sanemi nodded in understanding and feeling slightly guilty for shunning their mother today. He hadn’t made it easy to approach them. His fingers rub the cloth of his shirt hem between them anxiously, not sure where to go from there.

Genya suddenly stands up and pumps a fist. “I’m gonna cut my hair!” He shouts and starts running and looking around the room for something to cut it with. This makes them both look at him in shock.

“What??”

“Huh!?”

Genya looks exasperated and places his hands on his hips. “My hair scares Mama. We need to cut it.” He explains, like that makes sense. 

Sanemi can see the moment he spots the scissors behind him on the prepping table. He jumps up running to the table. Genya runs and Sanemi beats him to it. He holds the scissors high above the little boy’s head. Shizu shakes from her shock and realizes why Genya was doing what he was doing. She struggles to stand, but manages, and makes her way over to her boys. 

“Nemi! Give it to me!” Genya squeaks at his brother, his voice becoming higher as he gets frustrated.

“No! I’m not letting you cut your hair.” He says back incredulously. “You’ll probably cut your ear off!”

Genya stomps. “No I won’t.”

Shizu rests a hand on Genya’s shoulder causing him to look at her. His face is pulled into a pout. “Genya. Your hair is not scary. I’m sorry I made you think that. But you don’t need to cut it. I promise. I don’t think you’re him . You're nothing like him.” She says her brows lowered as she searches his face in concern.

Genya huffs and crosses his arms. “My hair is scary. I don’t want hair that scares you.” He pouts and looks down. He swings his foot, scuffing it against the floor before he meets her eyes again.

“You always say my hair is pretty like daddy’s, but it’s not pretty if it’s like his.” He pauses before saying seriously. “I don’t want ugly hair.” He scowls, turning his scrunched face to his mother.

“You don’t have ugly hair, sweetheart.” She says and she brushes her fingers through it. She sighs. “But I guess it is getting too long.” She hedges.

Sanemi looks at his little brother and his hair. He tilts his head to get a different angle. I guess his hair does look like Kyogo’s . Sanemi shudders a bit. Not good . Sanemi finds himself nodding along with his mother. “Yeah you don’t have ugly hair, but you also don’t have a warriors' hair either!” Sanemi says. 

“What?” Genya says, cocking his head.

Sanemi’s mother looks at him trying to figure out what he’s up to. He smiles reassuringly at her before he looks back to Genya.

“Yeah! You could be like a samurai! They only have hair in the middle.” Sanemi raises his hands to his hair and squishes the hair up like a fin on a fish. “Like this! You would look super cool!”

Genya wiggles, getting excited. He looks at his mother who still looks hesitant. 

“Please.” He says, eyes big and pleading. He squeezes his hands together and bounces a little and her resolve crumbles. 

“Okay.”  She sighs.

The boys cheer and Sanemi begins gathering the hair cutting supplies in a hurry. Her boys bumble about bumping into each other. Sanemi ends up having to dodge Genya’s grabby hands, who’s a little too eager to get started. Shizu smiles at their antics. She lets out a startled laugh as her youngest kicks her eldest in the shin for being too slow and for not letting him have sharp objects.

“You can’t have ‘em!”

“Why not!”

“You’ll cut your ear off. Or your finger!”

“No I won’t!”

The house was filled with noise once more. Squabbling and laughter resounded in the kitchen as the sun began to lower. Shizu smiled as she laughed. Their life wasn’t perfect, but in moments like this she felt it was. 

“Get back here twerp!” Sanemi yells chasing his little brother as he runs off.

“I’m not a bird!” He yells back, not heeding his command.

She laughed, smiling again. Yes, it was perfect.