Chapter Text
“Are you nervous Li?” Louis asked, holding his boyfriend’s hand tightly.
They were sitting in the lobby of the recording studio that they were working in only a year before. What an interesting year it had been too. So much has changed since Liam and Harry’s final goodbyes.
It took several months of therapy and medication before Liam finally felt like himself again. His relationship with Louis only grew stronger over that time.
“Yeah,” Liam let out a shaky breath. “But I know we’re both better, so it shouldn‘t be too bad,” he claimed.
Louis smiled softly and gently kissed the scar on Liam’s temple. It was barely noticeable now, but Louis still noticed it. It was a reminder everyday of what Harry did to Liam, but also a reminder that Louis was the one that saved him. “You’re right, you both got a lot of help. But promise me, Li, if he does or says anything out of line, I want you to tell me,” he added.
“I will, I promise,” Liam said and leaned over, kissing Louis’s lips gently.
“Get a room,” Zayn commented as he entered the room, pulling Niall in behind him. Niall was munching down on a hamburger and giggling at the kissing couple.
“Aw, cute,” Niall said with a mouthful.
Liam and Louis broke apart, both blushing slightly. “Hey,” Liam said.
“Hey yourself,” Zayn said, releasing Niall’s hand to go give his two best friends a hug, even though they saw each other less than a week ago.
“Is he here yet?” Louis asked Niall who nodded, looking down at his phone. “On his way up,” he said. Niall and Zayn had spent the past year working on a couple of things: number one, their relationship. Number two, fixing Harry and Liam, evenly. They were satisfied with both their missions. Their relationship was stronger than ever and they saw a lot of progress in both their friends mental health.
A few minutes later, the door opened and Harry walked in. He paused in the door way when he saw Liam but then smiled and walked in. “Hey,” he said, forcing his eyes to take in all the boys.
Louis had his hand in Liam’s, being his support.
Surprisingly, Liam felt less nervous when Harry arrived. He looked healthy again, unlike the last time he saw him, and Liam didn’t feel scared. He knew part of the reason was his anti-depressants and Louis holding onto his hand. “Hey,” he said and smiled softly.
Harry’s smile grew when Liam said it back. “Your hair,” he said, pointing to Liam’s head, which was cut down to a buzz cut. “I like it,” he added when Liam raised his hand to brush against his new do.
“Thanks,” Liam said. “Got bored,” he shrugged and Louis smiled slightly.
“Makes you look like a toddler,” Zayn commented, reaching out to rub Liam’s head.
Liam laughed and pushed Zayn’s hand away. “Stop it,” he chuckled and each boy let out a small laugh and things felt like they had years ago; easy.
The day continued that way. Harry purposely kept his distance from Liam at first, not wanting to push his limits, but as the boys all discussed possibilities for their new album, the awkwardness between them dispersed.
Niall and Harry both had written potential songs and they tried to find a central theme for their album.
“New beginnings,” Liam suggested. “Fresh starts, ya know?
“That’s perfect,” Harry said, smiling at him.
Liam smiled shyly and looked at Louis. “What do you think?”
“I like it,” Louis commented and looked at Niall and Zayn who were cuddled up on the couch, giggling to each other.
“I love it!” Niall explained and then pecked Zayn’s lips with a loud popping noise.
“Your breath smells like nachos!” Zayn complained but then laughed and looked at Liam. “I like it too,” he added.
Liam smiled, feeling a little proud of himself. “Okay, great. So tomorrow we’ll listen to Niall’s and Harry’s songs,” he suggested, noticing the time.
The boys were getting on so well after being apart for so long, they didn’t notice it was nearing 11 at night and they had planned to only be there until 9.
“See you all here in the morning then,” Niall said, jumping up and pulling Zayn to his feet.
Niall and Zayn hugged Liam, Louis, and Harry goodbye before leaving.
“See you at ten, then?” Harry asked once the three of them were alone.
“Yeah, see ya then,” Louis said.
Liam yawned quietly, nodding. He blinked and then felt arms around him. He tensed slightly as Harry hugged him but then relaxed and hugged him back. “’Night, Harry,” he said, patting his back gently.
“Night, Li,” Harry said and then shook Louis’s hand before leaving as well.
“You okay?” Louis asked Liam later when they were driving back to their apartment. The boys all moved out to their separate places after they took hiatus, Ziall and Lilo moving in with their respective partners. Harry had moved far away but was now renting a place closer to London.
“Yeah,” Liam said and smiled softly. “It seriously wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be,” he said.
“Yeah, but no one even talked about it. Isn’t that awkward?“ he asked.
“I know it may seem like I’m constantly thinking about it, but I’m not. Not talking about it is only helping me forget. It will be better for the band,” Liam explained.
“Will it be better for you, though?” Louis pressed on.
“Yes,” Liam promised. “It happened and we all know that. But it’s over and it felt really good to be back together tonight. Let’s focus on that, alright?”
“Okay,” Louis said. If Liam thought it was better to not bring it up, then that’s what he planned to do for him.
~
The next morning, Louis woke up alone. He sat up and looked around the bedroom, which was empty of his boyfriend. He got out of bed and threw on one of Liam’s t-shirts. While the t-shirt fit perfectly over Liam’s toned body, it engulfed Louis and hung off his shoulders. While he was trying to determine where Liam was, he heard noises coming through the wall beside him.
“Liam?” Louis called as he went out into the hall and towards the bathroom. He paused at the door and was able to make out the sound of someone vomiting and then he heard a whimper.
He quickly opened the door and found Liam hunched over the toilet, gagging as his stomach heaved.
“Oh god, Liam,” Louis gasped and rushed to his boyfriend’s side. When he touched Liam’s back, the younger boy flinched and almost flew away from Louis, banging his back against the sink. Louis held up his hands defenselessly, his mouth gaping at how terrified Liam looked. “It’s only me!” Louis said quickly.
Liam stared at Louis and Louis saw the boy’s shoulders shake as he shivered. “S-sorry,” Liam whimpered, unable to stop the tears that leaked from his eyes.
“C’mere,” Louis said, holding his arms open. This time, Liam let Louis hug him and he buried his face into the older boy’s chest. “What happened Li?” Louis asked worriedly.
Liam shook harder and gripped his hands into his own t-shirt that Louis wore. “I had a nightmare, a-and when I woke up, I felt sick,” he cried softly.
“You should have woke me,” Louis sighed, running his fingers through Liam’s hair, even though it was much shorter than it used to be.
“Didn’t want to scare you,” Liam explained, finally getting his breathing and trembling under control.
“Why would I be scared?” Louis asked and then frowned. “What was your nightmare about, Liam?”
Liam stayed silent, keeping his eyes shut tightly.
“Liam,” Louis pressed on. “What did you dream about?” he asked, prying the boy away from his chest to look at him. He wasn’t trying to be insensitive, but he needed to know. “What frightened you so much that your getting sick again?”
Liam opened his eyes and looked up at Louis, wincing at the word again. “Him,” he whispered.
Louis bit his lip as he got his confirmation. “I knew it was too soon,” he began but Liam cut him off.
“It’s not too soon, I’m just being a whimp.”
“You’re not a whimp Liam,” Louis argued gently. “I’ll just tell Harry that you’re not ready for this.”
“No,” Liam shook his head. “It’s fine, really. It was just a dream. I was fine with him being there yesterday, honestly.”
“But you haven’t had a nightmare in months—”
“I know, but I can live with a few more nightmares for a while, okay? I can’t ruin this for the band. I just can’t,” Liam whimpered again and Louis pulled his boyfriend back to him.
Louis was torn on what to do. It killed him to see the love of his life this terrified and shaken up. Louis was having flash backs of the terrible nights when Liam would wake up screaming because he was having a nightmare of Harry coming back and hurting him again. There had even been a point where Louis almost called 999 because Liam was shaking and screaming so bad. It had taken over an hour for him to calm down.
On the other hand, Louis cared about the band and he really wanted this to work out and he knew Liam felt the same way. They were once on top of the world and Louis missed the days when things were good. Now they had a chance to get a little bit of that feeling back. But was it worth putting Liam through this?
“I’ll make you a deal,” Louis said softly. “We can continue everything like we had planned, if we schedule in more sessions with Dr. Kiser and you go back on the sleeping pills,” he instructed. He felt a pang in his heart when Liam’s face crumpled, looking like a kicked puppy. “I know you didn’t like how they made you feel but it’s going to hurt you worse having all these nightmares all the time again,” he sighed and rubbed Liam’s back. “You don’t have to listen to me, but I think it’s for the best,” he said.
Liam was quiet for a long time, not crying, but still hugging Louis tightly. After a few minutes of silence, he whispered, “I’ll do it. But don’t tell the others, okay?” he asked, looking up at Louis with that same sad puppy look. “Niall and Zayn already know about the anti-depressants, but don’t tell them about the sleeping pills. And don’t say anything to Harry,” he begged.
“I won’t say a word,” Louis promised and then kissed Liam’s forehead. “Now can we go back to bed? It’s not even 7 in the morning,” he said.
“Okay, just give me a minute,” Liam whispered and let Louis help him to his feet.
“You gunna be okay?” Louis asked, brushing his hand lightly against Liam’s cheek.
Liam nodded. “Yeah,” he said and turned away from Louis and moved to the sink.
Louis went to the door and watched as Liam tried to compose himself in the mirror, before closing the door. He wanted to believe what Liam said; that he would be fine, but for some reason, he had a feeling that he wasn’t going to be okay.
~~
Liam was picking apart the bagel that sat on a small plate in front of him. His leg was bouncing nervously as he sat alone in the studio waiting lounge. The other three boys have yet to arrive, and Louis was talking to their managers about how the meeting went yesterday. Liam was initially asked to give the overview, but Louis volunteered to talk instead. Liam heard Louis tell them that he wasn’t feeling well, which was true, but Liam suspected Louis also didn’t want Liam blurting out anything that would raise suspicion.
No one in management knew what went down between Liam and Harry. They knew something happened because Liam was obviously hospitalized, but when Louis said it wasn’t anything they needed to know about, they shut up their curiosities. If the boys knew it was a dangerous enough topic that they wanted it private, it would be best kept within the band with less chance of leaking out to the press.
Liam wiped his hands on the napkin and leaned back on the couch. Louis hadn’t lied when he said Liam still wasn’t feeling well. His stomach was still reeling but he hadn’t puked anymore since that morning. Now food just didn’t seem appetizing and Louis had bought him the bagel from the downstairs lobby, saying his boyfriend needed to keep up his strength.
Liam sighed again and closed his eyes as he leaned his head back on the couch. He was dreading having to go back on the sleeping pills. He hated how cloudy they made his mind before he went to sleep. While they did work on keeping the nightmares away, he felt like a druggie every time he went to bed and for a couple hours after he would wake up. He could handle more sessions with his therapist because he didn’t mind talking to her. She was kind and didn’t ask too many questions; just enough to let Liam vent and talk about his nightmares and other problems from the past. Recently, they’ve mostly talked about Louis so now Liam wasn’t happy about having to go back to talking about the nightmares. Also, most of her questions would now be about Harry and if he was behaving himself and how Liam felt about everything. Liam hated the idea of spending more time talking about Harry.
Liam felt the couch dip beside him and he snapped his eyes open, sitting up straight.
Harry sat beside him, his signature grin on his face. “Hey Liam,” he said. “Sorry, I hadn’t meant to scare you,” he said.
Liam gulped and scooted closer to the arm rest of the couch, away from Harry. He gripped onto the leather as he stared at Harry. He felt as though his tongue had swollen twice its size.
Harry’s smile fell slightly and then he cleared his throat. “You alright, Li?” he asked, looking Liam straight in the eye.
Liam nodded, seeing what looked like hurt cross over Harry’s face. Liam gulped and looked away from Harry, still gripping onto the couch cushion. Pretend, pretend, pretend. “I’m fine, Harry, just a little tired,” he lied and forced a smile. He released the leather beside him and curled his hands on his lap, still pressing his side up against the side of the couch.
Still, Harry didn’t seem to get the hint that Liam wasn’t comfortable with him being so close. Liam could feel the heat of Harry’s body and Liam felt a nervous sweat form on his brow.
Harry swung his arm behind Liam on the couch and that was enough for Liam to scramble out of the couch. Just as he stumbled past the coffee table, Louis walked in. “Liam?” he rushed over to his boyfriend and caught him before he continued to stumble and fall. “Are you okay?” he asked in a rush, ushering Liam to the other side of the room. Liam nodded quickly, keeping his eyes low and his hands clutched into his boyfriend’s t-shirt.
Liam glanced up and saw Louis glaring over at Harry. Liam looked behind his boyfriend and spotted Niall and Zayn approaching the room; they were holding hands and Niall had his other hand over his stomach as he let out his signature laugh and Zayn was staring at his boyfriend as if this was the happiest time of their lives. Liam felt a painful pinch in his heart and before Louis had a chance to say anything to Harry, he pinched Louis’s sides.
Louis jumped and looked at Liam in surprise. “What was that for?”
Liam’s lips spread out into a smile and he pecked Louis’s lips quickly. “I have to use the restroom, that’s why I’m in a hurry,” he chuckled and then dashed out of the room, waving at Niall and Zayn as he passed, and slipped into the rest room.
Louis watched his boyfriend skip out of the room and looked at Harry in surprise. When he walked in, his boyfriend had looked terrified but now he seemed happy. He hadn’t meant to leave Liam alone this long and he was even more pissed that Harry managed to show up and possibly scare Liam out of his wits. “Did you do anything to him?” he demanded Harry, just as Niall and Zayn reached the room, and their laughter died quickly.
Harry bit his lip, trying not to frown, or smile, Louis wasn’t sure. Harry looked indifferent as he tried to search for an answer. “No, I didn’t do anything. He’s fine, Louis, it’s just Liam being the goof that he is,” he said and added a small chuckle.
“Everything okay?” Zayn asked, patting Louis’s back lightly.
Louis looked at Zayn and shrugged. “Yeah… I guess it is,” he admitted.
When Liam returned from the bathroom, he appeared to be fine, which was very surprising to Louis. They all spread out on the couches and it unnerved Louis when Harry changed his spot so he was sitting beside Liam again. Louis slipped his arm around Liam’s waist protectively but played it off as if he just wanted to cuddle with his boyfriend. Liam smiled at him warmly and then they went on with the meeting.
“Harry, do you want to show us your songs first?” Niall asked.
Harry nodded and grabbed the guitar.
“You play guitar?” Liam questioned, glancing at the curly haired boy as he moved his fingers on the strings.
“Yeah,” Harry said, a hint of a smile on his lips. “Just something I picked up a few months ago,” he shrugged but also seemed proud of himself as if he was trying to impress Liam. “Anyways,” he said and then began to play a soft and basic song, but it was still pretty good.
I know we haven’t seen each other in a while
But I wanted see your gorgeous smile
Put my arms around you and hold you tight
But nothing’s been the same since that night
The room was silent and everyone was staring at Harry as he paused in the lyrics, playing a most intricate part of the music. All of them couldn’t believe what Harry was singing…. Was he referencing that night? No one knew what to do… they were all too stunned to do anything.
When we said goodbye, I didn’t think it was forever
Remember when you told me our end was never?
It could have been lies or promises broken
The most painful thing that’s ever been spoken
Harry continued the song, the lyrics having the same gentle and somber tone. It was very obvious what the song was about, but it did not mention any of the terrible things Harry did, obviously. If you squinted, you could possibly say the song was about the hiatus of the band but told in a relationship point of view, but with the boy’s knowledge, it was easy to tell what it was about.
Louis waited until Harry finished before he opened his mouth, ready to tell Harry that the song was too personal to be on the album, and how it was a totally stupid idea to play something like that so soon…. But Liam spoke before anyone else had a chance to react.
“I like it,” Liam said and Louis cringed at how Harry smiled.
“It’s, um, well,” Zayn scratched at the back of his neck nervously, unsure of what to say.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea…” Niall began.
“It doesn’t have to be what you think it’s about, Niall,” Harry said. “Music can be interpreted different ways,” he added.
“I know, but, um… Liam?” Niall looked at his friend, wanting to know exactly how he felt about the song.
Liam’s expression was hard to read and Louis’s hand went to rub his boyfriend’s shoulders. “It’s good,” Liam said. “I say we included it,” he said.
“Okay,” Zayn said, also looking at Liam as if trying to look for one ounce of doubt.
Liam leaned against Louis and Louis felt a weird feeling in his gut at how Liam and Harry smiled at each other.
“Okay, Ni, your turn,” Zayn said and Harry handed the guitar over to the Irish lad.
Niall’s songs were a lot less personal, although the boys could argue that the one about falling in love at the beach was exactly where Zayn first said “I love you” to Niall, but the fans wouldn’t have known that.
They decided to include only the one song of Harry’s and 2 of Niall’s songs. Harry only had one other song and it was cheesy and he even agreed it wasn’t worthy to being ever sung again.
They ended up ordering lunch and spending the entire day together again. They even began writing their own song, called “New Beginnings”. They were reminiscing about the good times on their first tour, purposely avoiding the past year. It was like the group all had mentally blocked out that time and were only focusing on the before. Or, well, it seemed that way at least. The ‘missing year’ hadn’t left the minds of any of the boys though.
The laughs seemed real. The smiles seemed real. The happiness seemed real. You could hardly tell who was just pretending.
—
Louis walked into the bedroom, seeing Liam sitting on the edge of the bed. He was wearing a hoodie and sweat pants. “Here,” he said as he walked over, holding his hand out.
Liam looked at the pills in Louis’s palm and gulped. He took them into his hand and stared down at them, not attempting to take them. Louis sat down next to his boyfriend and slipped his hand around him. “I’ll be right beside you the entire time, babe, you’re fine,” he promised soothingly.
“It’s not that…. I just,” Liam sighed and sat the pills on the night stand beside the glass of water. “I just didn’t feel like going to sleep yet,” he shrugged and smiled softly at Louis.
“Oh?” Louis frowned and then suddenly Liam’s lips were on his neck. “Oh,” he said and then understood. Louis gently laid back, pulling Liam on top of him.
“Yeah,” Liam breathed against Louis’s neck and began kissing the skin gently.
Louis moved his hands on Liam’s body as the younger boy pleased his skin with his mouth. Soon their lips made contact and Louis moaned into the kiss. Things got heated up rather quickly after that.
Louis loved when Liam took the lead on their relationship, but now every time Louis closed his eye, he could only picture the way Liam and Harry looked at each other today. It reminded Louis of the looks the two boys would give each other across the stage when they were together. Louis felt something twist in his gut again and suddenly he flipped Liam onto his back.
Liam gasped and for a moment Louis thought he was going to freak out, but then Louis was kissing his lips again and Liam moaned, running his hands through Louis’s hair. Louis straddled Liam and slipped his hands up the boy’s sweatshirt.
Louis knew Liam was with him now and they were in love but his jealousy… yes, jealousy, that’s what it was. His jealousy was making him want Liam to remember that he was Louis‘s.
Louis was getting too caught up in the moment and he felt his hands press down on Liam’s hips.
“Louis,” Louis heard his name slip out of the boys mouth beneath him but it only turned him on more. Louis nipped at Liam’s neck. He felt Liam’s hands move to his hands as Liam tried to pull Louis’s hands off. Louis sucked painfully at Liam’s neck before grabbing Liam’s wrists and pinning them down.
“Louis!” Liam yelled and Louis froze when he heard Liam whimper.
Louis suddenly stopped and sat up, removing his hands from Liam’s wrists. Liam rubbed his wrists, looking up at Louis with tears in his eyes. What have I done? Louis thought to himself.
“Li, I’m so sorry,” Louis started, his voice cracking. He reached out to Liam but the boy flinched and Louis felt a strong shove on his chest by his boyfriend. Louis fell off Liam and onto the other side of the bed and Liam quickly got up.
“Liam, I-I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking,” Louis stumbled over his words and crawled to the side of the bed. “Where are you going?” he asked when Liam didn’t respond and began slipping on his shoes instead.
“I need to leave,” Liam said and Louis’s eyes rimmed with tears.
“What? No, please, Li, I’m sorry,” Louis begged, getting off the bed and rushing to Liam.
Liam flinched again and turned, banging into the dresser with his hip. “Don’t!” he snapped and Louis stepped back. Then Liam sighed, closing his eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek. “I’m fine, I just need to take a walk,” he said. “Please, I just need some time,” he said and then left.
Louis felt his own tears roll down his cheeks as Liam walked out of the bedroom. A few moments later he heard the front door close. Louis sunk to the floor, curling up on himself. What have I done?