Chapter Text
Prince Phukan had just finished washing himself and was drying his hair with a cloth, sitting on the edge of his bed.
He was breathing in the warm night air, flowing in through the open window, eagerly waiting. So far he heard nothing but the usual sounds that would come with the dark.
Leaves rustling in the slow breeze, a few birds of the night calling to each other.
Then it began.
The first soft sounds floating into his room. The hand rubbing his hair stilled, as he waited for the sound to become louder.
He smiled. This was a song he knew well. The first one he ever heard play outside his window.
———
It had been a difficult time for Phukan. The deathday of his father was coming up and nightmares were keeping him awake, as they always did this time of the year. Some told him that after eight years, he should be over it. Should‘ve accepted that his parents were not coming back.
His friends in the castle tried to be there for him, but there wasn‘t much they could do. Still, he greatly appreciated whenever they would visit him, or even gather all together to distract Phukan.
But eventually they all had to leave again.
He found himself especially aching for his fathers flute-playing. Memories of the evenings they spent as a family in front of the large fireplace, Phukan either in his mothers lap or sitting on the floor, his father standing near the fire, gently playing a melody and his mother singing along to it with her soft voice.
He remembered sulking in his room after a dumb argument, just being a moody pre-teen when, from outside the door, he‘d heard his father softly play his favorite songs. Phu would usually open the door just a tiny bit, to hear the sound better.
The memories, as warm they felt in the moment, always left him cold. None of his friends could understand because none had been there, nobody shared them. He was the only one able to hold onto them. His biggest fear was forgetting so he clung desperately to them, but holding on hurt just as much.
One night particular he was lying bed, unable to fall asleep. He wasn’t crying, although he wanted to. He wasn’t even feeling grief anymore, just a profound emptiness that could be filled by nothing. The day had been bad. He‘d tried to go about his normal routine but everything just felt wrong.
His cousin Thorn wasn‘t at breakfast, so he had to eat alone with his stoic uncle. The lessons of the day were all things he already learned twice and having to repeat them again, having to write down names and pointless numbers, only furthered his bad mood.
When normally Phu enjoyed the warm air, today it felt suffocating. He‘d snapped at his sword fighting lesson, cursing out no one in particular when he couldn‘t get a certain move right and stormed off to his room.
He‘d skipped dinner, but it didn‘t bother him. He never ate much during this time. Still feeling stuffy and weird he ripped open the window and hope a little air circulation would help better his mood.
He‘d attempted reading various books, singing to himself and even just crying, until it got dark outside. He was even attempting to write a journal entry about his day, something he never did before. After five minutes he simply threw down his pen and flopped on the bed, wishing for either sleep or death to take him already.
It was then, that the first tones broke through the night.
Phu hadn’t moved, frozen in his bed as he listened to a flute play his fathers favorite song.
He thought for sure that he was imagining it.
Tears began rolling down his cheeks, but there was also a deep warmth filling him more and more as the song continued. His imagination must be running wild, he even thought to hear the extra notes his father sometimes added. Phu could almost hear his mother’s voice, softly lulling him to sleep.
The next morning he dismissed it as a dream or perhaps a hallucination caused by his grief.
What else could it have been. As far as he knew nobody played the flute like his father did, and even if, why would they do it under his window in the dead of night.
Phukan spent his day apologizing for his behaviors the previous day, but all the servants reassured him they understood.
They didn‘t.
He didn’t know who it could be. The only person he actually told about his ache for his fathers music, who truly listened to him and held him when Phu started crying, was Phukan’s personal knight, Cirrus. But the knight never mentioned being able to play the flute. Not to mention, if he did, Phu was sure he wouldn‘t hide outside his window in the cover of darkness.
The next night, it happened again. Phu was just settling down with a book, hoping to distract his mind and at least fall asleep quickly, when he thought he heard some muffled playing outside. Quickly he rushed to his window and opened it, trying to pick up the sound.
It seemed to be coming from right under his window, which was in the second story of the castle, facing the gardens. Whoever was down there knew their way around the castle then.
The flute let up for a second when he ripped the window open, but continued soon after.
Phu smiled at the sound of it, letting the music flow through him for a moment, before he started to feel sleepy and retreated from the window to lie down.
It had simply continued like this every night since.
Phu told no one. He knew it was foolish. He should’ve reported it after the second night.
After all, there was someone sneaking around the grounds seemingly every single night, never getting caught by anyone. It should be reported as a security risk.
But he couldn‘t do it. Not when he was finally sleeping well, the nightmares disappeared and his core filled with warmth again. He couldn‘t risk the knights taking the flute player away from him and having to deal with his nights being silent and alone again. He didn‘t think he could go back and make it out alive.
So, he kept the secret, never tried to look for the player, never even went near the window while he was playing, to ensure that he wasn‘t scared off. He kept the window open as soon as he stepped foot into his room to settle down for the evening.
Not even his personal knight could know about it.
———
Sir Cirrus had been by his side for almost five years and he knew everything about Phukan one could know.
He was appointed after a dangerously close attempt on the princes life when he was thirteen and the King, his uncle and the regent until Phu reached twenty years, ordered Phu to choose someone to be his protector, to not leave his side unless Phu was safe in his room.
And although he was hesitant to have a constant shadow, Phu agreed. He chose Cir because he was new and closer to Phus age, but strong enough to be in the elite guard already.
At first Phu used every chance he got to ditch his protector and have some time alone in the garden, or in the upper rings of the city.
He knew it was foolish, but Cir freaked him out a little bit at first.
Either he would be wearing a helmet that entirely covered his face and muffled his voiced, or he would show his face, but not speak a word or show any emotions.
But after a while they got used to each other. Phu would often eat lunch with his personal knight, inviting him to his table, instead of eating all alone. Cir would show more emotions, often offering the prince a small smile when nobody was looking. Phu learned to read the handsome face, soon knowing every detail.
They‘d spent evenings walking the gardens, talking about unimportant things, or simply walking in silence, just enjoying the night air and the others company.
After two years it was second nature to eat together whenever they could. At least one evening in the week had to be spent together in the garden.
Phu never thought of it was weird, until his cousin commented on it during dinner when he was fifteen. Their uncle was busy with a negotiation so they opted to simply sit at a private table near the kitchen, instead of the grand dining hall.
Phu had ordered Cir to sit next to him and "Taste test the foods. I need to know if it’s even good!"
The kitchen staff pretended to be offended at the prince‘s words, but he could tell by their faces that they were joking around.
Thorn watched for a bit, before speaking up. "Phukan, why are you so close to your knight?"
Phu stilled, chopsticks halfway to his mouth. "How do you mean?"
Thorn looked between where their arms were barely inches apart. Phu had scooted over so Cir was practically sharing his plate.
"I don‘t know how to tell you this, but usually a prince doesn‘t invite his personal guard to dinner with him. Or go on a date every single week. Hell, the fact that you speak to him more than twice a day is already super weird."
Phu looked at him as if he‘d lost his mind. "But he‘s my friend!"
Thorn looked conflicted. "Phukan, you shouldn‘t befriend your servants and knights. You are above them, don‘t you know that? People will think weird of you, especially other royals, if they catch you being so familiar with someone who should be nothing more than air to you."
Phu felt Cir next to him freeze and his anger grew. He jumped out of his seat. "How is it wrong to treat people kindly? They do so much for me and I should just ignore them? What kind of fucked up mindset it that?"
"Phukan, that is how our world works! You are one of the most important people in this land, these people can be switched for the next dirty beggar!"
Phu stopped at those words, his eyes studying Thorn for a second. He slowly sat down again.
"This isn‘t you speaking. You don‘t speak like that. Did uncle put you up to this?"
Thorn shifted in his seat uncomfortably. He stared down his plate. "You know he‘s still establishing himself as King. He can‘t risk any… scandals. And you‘re literally feeding your Personal knight… people talk, Phukan. If they think you gave away your innocence to him-"
At that Cir abruptly stood up. He opened his mouth, but Phu spoke for him, jumping to his side. "Cir would never do that, even if I ordered him! He is far too loyal to this kingdom! How dare you accuse him of such a thing! If you don‘t trust me to know my place in this world, then trust Cir to know it and stop me from being foolish!"
He‘d stormed out, dragging Cir behind him. Thorn didn‘t try to stop them, just watched with a sad look in his eyes.
He never brought it up again.
Phu tried to forget his cousins words, tried to leave the accusation behind him. But it wouldn‘t stop nagging at his brain. He spent endless nights thinking about what Thorn told him. How servants and knights were treated elsewhere.
Maybe it was a mistake to pick a knight who‘s so close my age as my personal guard. People might think he is manipulating me or something. It doesn‘t help that he‘s so damn handsome.
Phu shivered when he imagined the repercussions Cir would face if a rumor like that spread around town. They surely be separated, with Cir being thrown in the dungeon, or worse executed.
Phu was the crown prince, he‘d receive a slap on the wrist, or at worse a few weeks of being confined to a windowless room for consorting with a knight.
Phu tried to shake the thoughts off. If I just keep more distance between us from now on…
He didn‘t understand why his heart clenched at the thought.
Keeping away from Cir proved difficult for multiple reasons. For one, Cir was literally supposed to always be at Phu’s side, and Phu knew that. But they‘d gotten so used to walking next to each other that having Cir behind him just felt wrong. Nonetheless, he tried. Didn‘t wait up for Cir to catch up after laving his room in the morning and just went straight to breakfast. Cir seemed to understand, following with large steps. Phu turned to him when they arrived at the dining hall.
He looked at the shining helmet, imagining the good looking face underneath and couldn‘t bring himself to say the words.
"Should I… stay here, today?" There was a certain nervousness to Cir’s voice. Phu just bit his lip and nodded.
"Sorry," he whispered, before joining Thorn at the table, ignoring him, like he did the past days. Thorn raised his eyebrows at Cir’s distance, but didn‘t try to speak to Phu, which he was grateful for.
Another big reason against staying away from Cir was that Phu simply didn‘t want to. He constantly felt drawnto the man, wanted to reach out and touch him in some way. Je ist wanted to be close to him.
His eyes automatically tried to find the knight‘s, wether it was direct eye contact or through the helmet.
Everytime Phu caught himself he had to rip his gaze away. It didn‘t stop him from seeing the man expression fall, his shoulder slump just the slightest bit, before he righted himself again.
Phu started slipping away unnoticed again, avoiding Cir whenever he could. Unfortunately the other knew all his hiding spots. Sometimes Phu wanted to beg him to just stay away, to let him keep this awful distance, be he could never bring himself to speak.
Cir just looked down at him, before leading Phu to wherever he had to go next.
He never tried to speak to him. Phu knew he wanted to, more often than not Cir was the one to open a conversation between the two of them, but the knight kept quiet.
Phu missed his voice, even if he was only able to hear it through the helmet.
They managed to keep it up for two weeks.
Two terrible, terrible weeks, possibly the worst weeks of the last three years.
Even Phu‘s uncle, who at first seemed relived to have the dinner table down to three again, looked worried by the end of the first week.
It happened after he’d slipped out to the garden again. He had been alone for fifteen minutes already and was just waiting for Cir to find him under the willow tree, instead of looking for a new place to hide. He was surprised the knight wasn‘t there yet. The willow tree wasn‘t his favorite hiding spot, but it was very common. Some of the roots stuck out of the ground and made for a great seat.
Phu was considering coming out to search for Cir instead when the vines parted and the familiar handsome face peeked through.
Phu glanced up to him through his hair.
"You found me."
Cir looked down at him and held out a hand. Phu hesitated. It would be the first they properly touched the entire week. he wanted nothing more than to reach out and take it. He clenched his hands into fists under his arms instead. His face remained expressionless.
"I don‘t wanna leave yet. Sit down." Phu nodded to the place next to him. The root could hold them both up easily. He knew, because they sat here many times before, with Phu cuddling up to Cir.
Cir hesitated and looked around as if anybody could see them. He followed the princes orders.
Their seat didn‘t leave much space between them. Phu shuddered when their clothed arms brushed. He wanted nothing more than to snuggle up to the knight like he did so many times. To have Cir wrap an arm around his waist and hold him close, to forget who they were for a few minutes.
He was about to speak, when Cir held out a note to him. It wasn‘t that uncommon for the knight to loose his words, though it was much worse when he was first appointed. Cir would barely speak and always had a notepad ready at hand in case he needed to communicate. He loosened up after a few months, but occasionally he just coudn‘t get the words out and had to resort to his pen and paper once more.
It seemed Phu‘s treatment of him closed his throat again and Phu felt his heart crack at the realisation that he was the cause of the silence.
Phu closed his mouth again and took the note.
I’m sorry for coming so late. His majesty wanted to speak to me.
Phu looked at his face, fear flashing through him, but Cir looked calm.
Phu swallowed, before asking what his uncle wanted.
He watched as Cir pulled out a small notebook and began quickly scribbling down an explanation. Phu‘s brow furrowed more and more the long Cir wrote.
Finally, after what felt like hours Cir showed him the text.
He said he was concerned about you and asked if i knew what was up. He also wanted to know why I was suddenly being so distant and if that as the reason for your distress.
Phukan noticed that Cir‘s neat handwriting became a bit shaky during the next sentences.
I told him I was simply following your wishes. That I had no idea what was going on all of a sudden.
He had a long talk with me about my duties as a knight and my feelings for you. Reminded me of my place.
Then he ordered me to tell you that you should stop this silliness. If people haven‘t started talking yet, then they wouldn‘t do it anytime soon.
Thorn also apologized. He said his father asked him to speak to us because he was concerned about our image. He said he regrets going along with it. Knows you‘re going to be an excellent, unique ruler one day. And people will simply have to accept that your are kind to the ones beneath you.
So long as we don‘t go too far, we can just continue like before. They can see this making you miserable, as much as that worries them.
But they also want to speak with you soon. I just thought I’d warn you.
Phu stared at the letter for a while smiling. When Cir stood up he looked up, worried the other was going to take him to his uncle, but the knight knelt down before Phu.
Given his height and that the root didn‘t stick out far from the ground, he was on eye level with Phu, but it felt as though he was looking up at him. Like he was kneeling beneath Phukan.
Phu waited for his next actions, but didn‘t expect Cir to take a deep breath and start speaking in a low voice.
"Please-," he choked and Phu thought he saw tears in his eyes before Cir lowered his head and his hair fell down to cover his face.
"Please, don‘t keep me away anymore." Cir managed to look up at him with a pleading look in his eyes, his cheeks wet. "I‘m in no place to ask this of you, but I am begging you to not treat me like a stranger anymore. It doesn‘t feel right to be so far away, even when I‘m standing right next to you."
Phu raised his hands to cup Cirs face, tears welling in his own eyes. Outside it had started to rain, but they were in their own bubble beneath the willow.
Cir closed his eyes upon contact, tears streaming down his face, his hands automatically clutching Phus forearms.
"Please don‘t leave me like this."
Phu gently brought their foreheads together, closing his eyes.
"Never." His voice was shaky, but he managed to get the words out in barely a whisper.
He felt Cir tug lightly on his arms and easily fell into the embrace, both of them holding tightly onto each other, like the other was the lifeline leading them towards the light at the end of a pitchblack tunnel.
———
It was like the whole palace suddenly got brighter after the prince and his knight started acting normal again. You could see the smiles on the servants faces when they passed Phukan hanging onto his knights arm, practically letting Cirrus drag him, as he talked his ear off with a blinding smile on his face.
Even the king couldn‘t help but smile when Phu ordered an extra plate for Cir, instead of just feeding him from his own. Thorn smiled, happy that everything went back to normal.
What nobody saw were the nights now spent laying awake, two lit up windows whose light didn‘t reach each other, two people lying in their bed, their stomachs turning with feelings and worry.
Phu kept thinking of the moment when his hands touched Cir’s face, wet with tears. How Cir leaned into the touch. He tried to figure out why his heart was racing at the memory of pulling Cir closer to him, to touch foreheads. He laid a hand on his chest, willing to stop the hammering and fall asleep.