Chapter Text
A/N killing bobby off was fucking bullshit. I'd like to think his funeral a little like the final scene in Big Fish. idk how they killed off a core character like that.
Bobby’s funeral had, unexpectedly; turned out to be something more than just a funeral. In simpler terms, strangers from all parts of the city had come to say farewell to a good man, and in that fellowship find within each of them a story about him that kept him alive for each of them.
Buck was in the church, eyes locked on the casket at the foot of the altar, framed in huge swathes of white lilies. Purity, innocence, rebirth. Buck had been to enough funerals to know a little about the language of flowers. It was apt, in a way, as he knew deep down those who were close to Bobby wanted nothing more than for him not to be…gone.
There was a depth to the silence in the church, as people amassed in to their seats. A few had greeted him, gave their condolences with kind smiles.
“Bobby was an amazing person.”
“He saved my life.”
“He rescued my child.”
He thanked them, returned their smiles the best way he could, but no matter how hard he tried Buck couldn’t put events to names and names to faces. Couldn’t recognize them without soot or blood smearing their faces.
It was morbidly beautiful that the pews here were packed, so many people present who wouldn’t have been if it weren’t for Bobby.
Buck couldn’t help but feel he deserved more than this, a chance to live the life he’d fought so damn hard to redeem. Fingers curl around Buck’s elbow catching his attention, he glances to his left and Tommy’s pale blue eyes meet his, “Hey babe,” he says planting a kiss on his temple. Buck leans in slightly and Tommy pulls away and looks at him, “Feeling ok?” it’s a fair question. Tommy’s taking this all in stride, puffing his chest out to look like he’s not shaken by this loss. He’s not easy to read when he gets like this. The version of him that’s impervious to pain, he’s the shoulder to lean on. Buck wants to be the shoulder too sometimes, but Tommy hasn’t yet given him that right. So, he’s here, and his hand is warm on Buck’s arm and he thinks maybe leaning is what he’d like to do right now.
“Hey let’s get some air - ”, Buck begins, but something’s caught Tommy’s eye and he’s gone shaking hands with someone important, someone Buck doesn’t recognize and it’s really hard to put more energy into getting his attention again, he can’t even think of a way he could keep it right now.
“Hey, I’m gonna head outside for a bit, I’ll be back in time for the service.”
He doesn’t wait to confirm if Tommy heard him, just needs to get out of this church where his own thoughts seem to echo and the hollow in his chest widens inch by inch.
He finds a quiet spot out of an open side door leading out to an alleyway between the church and the adjacent building. It’s not quiet but it’s far enough away where he can think clearly.
At least here he can-
“Shit, I’ll come back in, is it starting now?”
Buck turns to his right and catches Eddie crushing a cigarette under his shoe, his dark hair curling over one temple. He smiles when he sees Buck, and it’s Tommy’s stubbled jaw that appears in Buck’s mind suddenly, the sensation of it against his cheek when they kiss, against the tips of his fingers.
Eddie arrived in LA a few hours ago, he’d texted Buck instead of video calling him. No hard feelings, he was just as messed up about the whole thing as Buck was.
Thing was, Eddie had more experience with this kind of thing, this kind of loss. He remembered finding Eddie at home that day curled on the floor of his bedroom or what was left of it. Holding him as he sobbed. He remembered patching up the holes he’d left in the walls. Is that how they’d fix this? Some spackle and paint to patch him right up, be like it never happened at all.
Buck felt like he was drowning. He wants to ask Eddie if he was drowning too.
Eddie approaches, all dressed in black, no uniform for him since he’d crossed state lines. Life as an uber driver was working for him and Chris, something that had started out a bit messy from what Eddie had told him, but they’d smoothed the wrinkles out and he’d finished the foundation of his new life down south. The suit was tailored, fitting to his frame well and there was a grey smudge on the tip of his left shoe where he’d crushed the cigarette earlier.
He was different now.
So was Buck, he thinks again about Tommy, he’s back there now, fielding questions and greetings and small talk. He’d be wondering where Buck was. Emotions were high, Tommy had lost a captain too, one he’d known longer than Buck. Might not be happy to find him here. Might misunderstand.
Buck knew rationally that he’d lost too, but this felt different, like someone had carved deep into his chest and tore something out of him. Something vital.
Bobby was the only one who could understand what he meant, and make sense of the things that Buck couldn’t, he often knew Buck’s mind better than Buck himself. If he were here now, he’d tap Buck on the shoulder, call him kid, tell him things would be fine. Bobby always knew the right thing to say.
“Hey, Buck, you alright there?”
“Yeah,” he attempted to smile but his face wouldn’t move. In between breathes, between Eddie’s concerned gaze, and the guilt of even being in this moment, Buck felt a wave of dizziness and nausea.
Tommy should be here. He thought to himself, Tommy should be the one to comfort him now.
Buck grabbed the side of the doorway and sank down until he was sitting. His big frame blocking the doorway entirely. He opens his mouth to apologize for it, but it’s hard to even breathe as a wave of agony overwhelms him. Eddie’s kneeling at his side, a hand on his wrist, and the other on his shoulder and the scent of his cologne filling Buck’s senses. He’s talking, being comforting. Being kind. Being Eddie.
Buck shakes his head; it’s not supposed to be him.
He thinks of that fight he had with Tommy, moving into Eddie’s old place, he told himself he was helping a friend. Tommy made it something else, made Buck see himself differently, ask himself if he was really that lonely, that desperate for love that he would cross the boundaries of friendship to get it.
In the depths of his pain, he can understand Tommy, to be afraid of giving his heart to someone, to trust someone entirely, to want Buck so badly he was jealous of his best friend. To see competition where there wasn’t any.
Bobby would have known what to say to that, would have cleared him of any doubt and reinstated the confidence he had in himself and who he was. But now those questions hung in the air and Bobby wasn’t here anymore.
It was insane, even the words Tommy had used, let alone the look on his face when he’d implied it. It was completely insane, but the longer the concept existed, the more his mind conjured ideas he’d never imagined and then it was confusing, and it became frustrating and then it was impossible.
Because of course it was impossible.
Buck looked at Eddie now, into the soft, slightly reddened eyes of his best friend. His own eyes fogged over with tears and he leaned in without thinking touching his lips to Eddie’s open mouth and pulling away with a shaky sigh.
Eddie leaned back, and Buck lifted his fingers to his lips, “Sorry. I don’t know why I did that.”
“No, Buck don’t apologize it’s…”
“Fine, I know.” He wiped at his wet cheeks and a smile broke out. “This is crazy, I don’t know why I- ”
Suddenly he was kissed again. Eddie’s cologne surrounds him, his taste flays him alive and it’s enough to burn through the pain for a few moments.
There’s no thought, just instinct, he knows how to kiss women, and he’s had his share of men. He expects the yield of lips and tongue, but he’s the one surrendering. He’s pressed back against the doorway, Eddie’s fingers gripping his shoulder and the back of his neck. His tongue dominating Buck’s mouth, Buck has one hand clinging to Eddie’s jacket, the other reaching into his hair.
He sucks in a breath through his nose, feeling a hot tear stream down the corner of his face, Eddie pulls back just enough to kiss his damp cheeks and Buck’s eyes flutter closed as he does, leaving gentle kisses on his temple and forehead.
The moment doesn’t break, Eddie pulls away and stands up dusting his pants off. He offers Buck a hand and he follows suit. He feels so warm, and the pain while raw and deep, it feels different. Eddie rubs the back of his neck, “Sorry about that, I know you and tommy…”
“Yeah, he won’t like it.” Buck says, licking his lips. “He’s scared you’re gonna steal me away.” He says with a huff.
“Yeah, well, I was here first.” Eddie muttered, looking past Buck with an unreadable look.
“Let’s go,” Buck says, “they’ll be looking for us.”
It almost feels like a dream to step away from the warm summer air back into the cold of the church. He heads toward the slowly growing sound of the crowd, the old anxiety rising to meet him. Eddie disappears around the corner and Buck looks back at the church door, left half open, a memory encapsuled.