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You hear their voices ringing through your head. Everything reminds you of them. They are all of your memories, all of you.
This house. These walls. They were all you could seem to remember. That closet, that brick, everything in this house you've smeared with your blood. Even if you hadn't, your mere presence was enough to curse everything. You could hear them. You could hear Mira and Odile's talk about books. You could hear Isabeau speak about your cloak. About how someone had loved you.
Someone had loved you.
Someone had loved you.
Those days were gone. No one could love a mess like you. Even though you swore this was the last time you had to go to the king, and win, and drive your own dagger through his wretched, cruel, ichor filled chest you knew better.
This was just the last time you would be aware of it. After this, you knew the fragmented shards of your mind clinging together with hope would be split into thousands, flying into the sky and joining the watchful stars. You wouldn't exist. Did you even exist now? What are you? You're not alive. You're not even human. You're barely a being. Your family was so angry when you said those things, and now they wouldn't even remember. Your body would continue the play like a puppet on the universes strings.
The feeling of the dagger slicing through sadnesses like butter soothed you. You could enjoy this. Let you sadistic, cruel mind have this. Like it's forced your -famil- -frien- alli- colleages into repeating the same day over and over again and they don't even know? They don't even know! They grew to hate you and they don't even know the worst things you've done! You've killed yourself over and over in front of them just so that they would hold you! Just for them to touch you and mourn you like they loved you but they don't they just don't and you keep forcing them to!!! Because you. You. You, you, you, poor thing!! You don't wanna be alone! Because you want to defy your fate! Because you want someone to kiss your bloody knuckles after you punch them in jaw!!!
You finally notice the blood on your hand. You've punched the wall. Wasteful. You need your energy for the king, why are you wasting time. Just. Get to the king. Get back to your stage and don't get back off of it.
YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT.
YOU HAVE TO FINISH THIS FIGHT. IT DOESN'T MATTER. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
Your team can make it through the house on their own you have to FINISH THIS. You have to keep swinging. You have to keep doging. Keep running. Aiming. Moving. Hitting. Slashing. You have to. You can't risk anything. This was your last hurrah, the hail mary. You have to finish this.
Everything hurts but it doesn't matter. your allies voices still ring in your ears. your mind twists it. Twists it to torment you and make you want to give up but you can't. You. can't. You have to . Keep. Swingin.g. if you coul. d just hit him…… one. mor e t i m e
It's cold and dark. So this is what death feels like. Or maybe this is some sort of… advanced disassociation. Professional disassociation, even. You really aren't even in your own body. It's probably back in Dormont. Probably smiling at Mirabelle with the smile she deserves. Probably making her laugh. Maybe it'll invite her to sit in the grass with it….Why didn't you try that? Spent so long trying to get free that you forgot your own wish. You didn't enjoy the time you had with them while you had it. You should have spent more time with them. Perhaps Mirabelle is happier now, now that you can't tell her cruel things about being alone forever. How could you do that to her? Especially when you were the one who wished to never be alone. Even now that silence rings through your ears, all you can think of is how cruel you are. To not even suffer with them. The force them into a cage and then fight to get into a smaller one just because you're sad.
…Knowing that Mirabelle might be sitting in a field your corpse gives you a bad taste in your throat.
"Oh Siffrin." Mirabelle's voice echo's around you. You jump off of the ground and look around.
Its you. Its the true you. Many of them, reflections? The you's who should have died long ago and yet you continue to drag their corpses around. The you's that you've forbidden from resting. But why… But why can you hear Mirabelle?
Their mouth opens and, "This is better than any experience I've had with you."
"What? No." You draw your dagger. It is one thing to torment yourself, and drag yourself through the mud, blood and glass shards…
"Shut up!" It is another to use Mirabelle's likeness like this.
"You had the time of your life on the journey that tormented me, Siffrin. Why do you think that is?"
"Stop this!" Stop. Stop stop stop! They-You..it? Can't say that. They aren't Mirabelle. You swing.
"Because you're selfish Siffrin." Your dagger won't do anything! Why can't you hit it! "Because no matter how much I suffered, you only cared about how you felt."
It's not wrong but. Mirabelle wouldn't say that. "I also thought you'd never tell me those cruel things. I suppose we were wrong about each other."
You swing. You swing again. You try punching it. It doesn't work.
"Poor Siffrin." There's one close behind you, speaking with Odile's voice and you swing for it's throat before you topple to the ground. It seems taller than the other one. "No where to go, despite everywhere you've been. No last name, no middle name. Just. Siffrin." It towers over you.
No. No, no. Odile. She. She understands you. Like no one before. It's not your home that makes you! It's who you've chosen to be. she. She taught you that herself.
"Siffrin…" The ghost drags out the i's in his name. "Siffrin. Siffrin, Siffrin, Siffrin. I only said that because I already knew. And unlike you, I know what to say to comfort someone the first time. I don't need a second chance, because I know how to do it right the first time." She chuckles. "And how many did you need? 147? And yet…you still managed to fail."
The voice isn't Odile. It's not. But. it's right. It's- No! Don't! Listen! don't listen to it! It's using your family! Get up and swing again.
It does nothing.
"How cruel of you. To force all of us away from our homes to try and make yourself one."
You swing. You hit you kick you scream-
It stares back.
"Siffrin." a small one lingers to your left. No. No no no no no not bonnie please not bonnie-
"You lied to me." It's too quiet it can't be bonnie bonnie wouldn't be so quite no no
"You promised Frin! you promised them! You promised me! That no one would be hurt!"
"no no, I didn't no one is-"
"We're all hurting Frin! Belle will never finish her journey! Dile will never find that book! And you made Za be gross with you!"
Oh. Oh. no no. You did. It's right you did. you've captured everyone. everyone you love. did you even love them? To not consider how they felt about your wish? How could you? How could you force them into this and you made Isabeau love you he'd never do that-
"I would never do that." Please, Please stop-
"Please. Just stop. please." You beg.
"Did you really think that's what I wanted to tell you? After we left?" The floor is cold and hard and painful from where your hunched over. You don't want to see yourself anymore. you don't want to be yourself anymore you don't want to be anyone.
"Did.." The voice cuts itself off with a laugh. Isabeau's laugh." Did you…really think that? I mean. I'm not that stupid."
"Stop. Isa please stop."
"You said you weren't ashamed of knowing me. You know why, Sif? Because you made me. You basically crafted me without my will! You know how messed up that is?"
Your throat has grown raw from your childlike sobbing. Crying for yourself again. You're so selfish, so greedy.
All four voices speak at the same time.
"How could you Siffrin?"
You look up to see a ghost in front of you. They…they look like Loop. maybe they are.
Their starry hands reach out and they caress your wet cheek. "Don't worry, Stardust. I didn't really expect you to get through this, even with my help. I'll just watch your family dance with your corpse forever. After all, that's what I've been doing this whole time, isn't it?"
"L-uh, Loop, I'm sor -hic- ryyyyy, I'm so sorryy!!!" You get to die and they have to stay. They don't get to leave like you do. And they remember…they remember everything and you're so sorry to abandon them yOU'VE BECAME EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE RUNNING FROM.
"Shuhshh…It's okay. I'm not upset. Stardust. Siffrin. Frin. Sif. Look." Their voices merge together and when you open your eye it's yourself you stare back at. Their hands are cold, and their torso almost makes your hands feel like they're burning from where you've grabbed onto them. Everything aches. Everything hurts.
The ghost brings you into a hug and you sob into it's shoulder. "It's okay. You can give up now." Your eye burns and it feels like the points of contact are corroding your soul and body. Everywhere you've ever been hurt, everything that made you loop in the first place aches. You can feel the ache of a stone crushing you and the burn of the kings words burning through your ears and into your brain, your dagger slicing through your own stomach and then your neck and stars! The place where Mira slapped you hurts more than any of it combined and you scream. You scream and you sob and shake and burn into bits with the pain and fear and the terror, the horror of knowing you created this hell and now you're abandoning everyone you've ever loved within it.
You've granted the kings wish.
You've betrayed everyone. You've gone against anything and everything your family ever wanted, ever stood for and you still have the audacity to think of them as family?
You don't deserve a family Siffrin. You haven't deserved one for a long time.