Chapter Text
Endou Mamoru : Oooh, a train!
Gouenji Shuuya: We’re in a train station, Mamoru.
Endou Mamoru : I am 41 cheetos tall.
Kidou Yuuto: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Endou Mamoru : Because we're out of doritos.
Kidou Yuuto:
Domon Asuka: Do you need help getting up?
Ichinose Kazuya : Nah, I'm cool down here on the floor.
Domon Asuka: Sometimes, I drink milk straight out from the container.
Ichinose Kazuya, looking up from his magazine: The cow?!
Domon Asuka, looking back at Ichinose, flabbergasted: What?
Kino Aki: Kazuya, WHY?
Fudou Akio: *gets set on fire and screams in agony*
Fudou Akio: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.
Shourinji Ayumu: Just so everyone knows, don't ever try to climb a tree at night carrying a strobe light, owls DON'T like it.
Shishido Sakichi: ...what happened?
Shourinji Ayumu: I made a VERY bad mistake.
Zaizen Touko: So, you lied to me?
Urabe Rika: That depends on how you define lying.
Zaizen Touko: Well, I define it as not telling the truth. How do you define it?
Urabe Rika: Um, reclining your body in a horizontal position?
Zaizen Touko: *hands a gun to Rika*
Urabe Rika: I-I don't believe in guns.
Zaizen Touko: Well, trust me, they're very real. Now take it.
Ichinose Kazuya: I fell—
Urabe Rika, fake blushing: From heaven?
Ichinose Kazuya, removing Rika from his shoulder: No, I literally fell—
Urabe Rika: In love with me the moment you saw me?!
Ichinose Kazuya: MY ARM IS BROKEN!
Urabe Rika: Okay, but do you think I'm pretty? Be honest.
Endou Mamoru: Yeah, a partner sounds nice, but a supreme enemy you can make out with in secret sometimes sounds a lot more hardcore.
Kazemaru Ichirouta: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Gouenji Shuuya: Literally or figuratively?
Kazemaru Ichirouta: I have to specify?
Gouenji Shuuya: What, you're the one who asked!
Endou Mamoru: Guess who just found out the difference between wax paper and parchment paper the hard way?
Gouenji Shuuya: Wait, what’s the difference?
Endou Mamoru: One you can use in the oven safely, and the other you can also use in the oven... if the thing you are trying to make happens to be fire.
Kazemaru Ichirouta, wearing shades: Rule one of destroying the world.
Kazemaru Ichirouta, *finger guns*: You gotta look good while doing it.
Endou Mamoru: When will Ted himself...finally show up to the talk?
Kazemaru Ichirouta: The final boss.
Gouenji Shuuya: You guys know TEDtalks stands for technology, entertainment, and design talks, right?
Endou Mamoru: I will not let Ted hide behind these lies any longer!
Fubuki Shirou: My life is a mess.
Gouenji Shuuya: Fubuki relax, go get a beer.
Fubuki Shirou: I don’t want a beer.
Gouenji Shuuya: Who said it was for you?
Otonashi Haruna: I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Kogure Yuaya: I don't want your advice.
Otonashi Haruna: Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
Fubuki Shirou: I'm naturally funny because my life is a joke.
Everyone around him, stern: Fubuki, no.
Fubuki Shirou: I’ve been here in jail so long I think I’ve lost my mind.
Fubuki Shirou: The days turn into weeks, weeks turn into months.
Fubuki Shirou: How long have I been in here now? Almost a year?
Hiroto Tatsuya: This is Monopoly.
Kidou Yuuto: Did you ever have like a pet run away and find it or anything?
Kino Aki: I had a lizard that I burnt.
Otonashi Haruna, walking into Megane's room: Hey, Megane, we need to train for the next match-
Megane Kakeru: *Hugging his knees, sobbing soundly while "The Evillious Chronicles" plays in his laptop.*
Otonashi Haruna: Are- are you okay?
Megane Kakeru: I checked out what you reccomended to me...
Otonashi Haruna, giggling to herself: Pfft-
Megane Kakeru: Don't laugh! You said it wasn't sad!
Kino AKi, walking into the room, standing next to Haruna: Is he- is he okay?
Otonashi Haruna: Relax, he'll be fine...
Kidou Yuuto: I'd roast you, but Coach Hibiki says you can't burn trash.
Kidou Yuuto: *slow-mo walks out of the room*
Tobitaka Seiya: I'm going to get myself some soup.
Utsonomiya Toromaru: Be careful not to burn yourself, it's hot.
Tobitaka Seiya: Pfft, I won't burn myself.
*30 seconds later*
Tobitaka Seiya, entering the room: I burned myself.
Utsonomiya Toromaru: You gotta slow down and smell the flowers… appreciate life’s miracles.
Utsonomiya Toromaru: Like me. I’m life’s greatest miracle.
Utsonomiya Toromaru, trying their first ever cup of coffee: I am ENERGY!
Tobitaka Seiya, an avid coffee drinker, on their twelfth cup of the day: Someone slap me awake or I am literally going to fall into a coma in ten seconds.
Gouenji Shuuya, to Endou and Kidou: Guys... I think I'm gay...
*Endou Mamoru and Kidou Yuuto stare at each other*
Kidou Yuuto, defeatedly: *Gives Endou 5 dollars.*
Endou Mamoru, smirking: Knew it.
Gouenji Shuuya:
Midorikawa Ruiji: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Hiroto Tatsuya: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you.
Midorikawa Ruiji: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer's much better.
Hiroto Tatsuya: ...
Midorikawa Ruiji: If I see a bug, I simply leave the room elegantly and require someone else do something about it.
Midorikawa Ruiji: If no one fulfills my wish, I simply never go back in there.
Kudou Fuyuka: What type of dog is this?
Raimon Natsumi: That’s a tortoise.
Otonashi Haruna: *tapping fingers on table*
Megane Kakeru: *taps fingers back furiously*
Kudou Fuyuka: …What’s going on?
Raimon Natsumi: Morse code. They’re talking.
Megane Kakeru: -.-- ..- .-. / - …. . / -.-. ..- - . … -
Otonashi Haruna: *slams hands on table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Megane Kakeru: it’s illegal to look better than me.
Raimon Natsumi: I guess we’re all going to jail then.
Gouenji Shuuya: Is this a good idea?
Gouenji Shuuya: Probably not.
Gouenji Shuuya: Do I care?
Gouenji Shuuya: No.
Kidou Yuuto, throwing their head into Gouenji Shuuya's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!
Gouenji Shuuya, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.
Kidou Yuuto: I’m not mad, I just need to know why you two had a fake ID.
Endou Mamoru: *Incoherent mumbling*
Kidou Yuuto: Huh?
Gouenji Shuuya, ashamed: …You need to be 18 to hold the puppies at PetCo.
Endou Mamoru: I never tell people off the bat that I'm gay. I wait. I wait until they say some homophobic shit and then I laugh and am like "you know I'm gay right?" and watch the look of terror on their face.
Gouenji Shuuya:
Gouenji Shuuya: I like you.
Endou: Pronouns? I guess so, I mean how would anyone be against them? They're a big part of sentence structure...
Endou Mamoru: I love you.
Gouenji Shuuya: How many people have you said that to?
Endou Mamoru: Everyone.
Gouenji Shuuya: What?
Endou Mamoru: I told everyone that I love you.
Midorikawa Ruiji: Let's all agree that going up the stairs on all fours is actually the best experience on earth.
Hiroto Tatsuya: Conversely, going down the stairs on all fours is actually the most terrifying experience on earth.
Therapist: Okay, Endou, what do we do when we feel sad?
Endou Mamoru: Bottle them up, throw em' away, so that you can be strong for others-
Therapist, face-palming: Endou, no-
Someoka Ryuugo: I am working on this whole Good Guy thing, but anyone who cuts me in line at Starbucks deserves to have their kneecaps shot out, okay?
Fubuki Shirou: You know, sometimes I wanna be a cat. Just meow meow, sleep, eat, and repeat. No school, no sad, no crippling depression.
Tsunami Jousuke: So, what's for dinner?
Tachimukai Yuuki, staring at the food they burnt: Regret.
Kino Aki: *sobbing loudly on the floor while using headphones*
Raimon Natsumi: Um, is she okay?
Megane Kakeru: Give her a minute, she listened to Mitski again.
Raimon Natsumi: That... makes sense.
Megane Kakeru: Ha! What are you gonna do? Stab me?
*Five minutes later*
Megane Kakeru, calling 911: HELP, IVE BEEN STABBED.
Endou Mamoru, after riding the roller coster: We had fun, didn't we, Kazemaru?
Kazemaru Ichirouta: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.
Gouenji Shuuya: Okay, but what if we went to dinner not as friends this time?
Endou Mamoru, about to cry: AS ENEMIES?!
Gouenji Shuuya:
Endou Mamoru: Hey guys, I found a spider. Cool little lad. Thanks for eating the mosquitos.
Endou Mamoru: Oh no, where did it go?
Kidou Yuuto: MAMORU WHAT THE FUCK?!
Kazemaru Ichirouta: Well, I'm very sorry to hear about your father.
Gouenji Shuuya: Mmm, we weren't really close anyway.
Kazemaru Ichirouta: Oh, good.
Kazemaru Ichirouta: Legend says that when you can’t sleep, it means you’re awake in someone else’s dreams.
Gouenji Shuuya: When I find out who you are, I’m going to punch you in the face.
Domon Asuka: We all have our demons.
Domon Asuka, grabbing Ichinose Kazuya: This one’s mine.
Raimon Natsumi: Megane, what did you eat for dinner last night?
Megane Kakeru: Oh, well, I ate a vegetable salad.
Raimon Natsumi: *suspiciously glares at Megane*
Megane Kakeru: Okay, it was mostly beans.
Megane Kakeru: Brown beans. Crushed, brewed beans.
Megane Kakeru: Coffee. I had coffee last night...
Endou Mamoru: Hey, Kidou, wanna play truth or dare?
Kidou Yuuto: Sure, truth.
Endou Mamoru, glaring at him while smiling: How many hours of sleep did ya have last night?
Kidou Yuuto, nervous: Uhh...dare.
Gouenji Shuuya: Go to sleep.
Kidoou Yuuto, heading to bed: I don't like this game!
Kino Aki: Why do you keep a diary?!
Ichinose Kazuya: To keep secrets from my computer.
Ichinose Kazuya, narrowing his eyes: No one needs to know...
Kudou Michiya: It's Pride month now, Kidou. You know what that means.
Kidou Yuuto: What? Do you want us to like, score gay soccer goals?
Fudou Michiya: The dinosaurs didn’t rule the earth, they were just alive. Stop giving them credit for administration skills they didn’t have.
Endou Mamoru: Hey, how are you doing today?
Fubuki Shirou: Can we change the subject before I start crying?
Kogure Yuuya: So, hypothetically, how would one deactivate a bomb?
Everyone:
Otonashi Haruna: We need a plan to beat them.
Kogure Yuuya: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Otonashi Haruna:
Kogure Yuuya: Judge me all you want, I get results.
Kogure Yuuya: Do you want this handful of moss?
Fudou Akio: Why would I want a handful of fucking moss?
Kogure Yuuya: Damn, you could’ve just said no.
Otonashi Haruna: It’s not that I don’t trust Kogure- I just... don’t ’t trust their ability to not fuck things up.
Sukuma Jirou: I am going to need you to swear-
Fudou Akio: Fuck.
Sukuma Jirou:
Sukuma Jirou: ...swear as in promise.
Fudou Akio: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.
Kidou Yuuto: So what do you have planned for the future?
Tachimukai Yuuki: Lunch.
Kidou Yuuto: No, like long term.
Tachimukai Yuuki: Oh...um, dinner?
Sukuma Jirou: Live fast, die young, leave behind a pretty corpse! That’s what I always say!
Kidou Yuuto: You should say something else.
Shourinji Ayumu: You can call me short all you want, but I can still jump high enough to kick you in the face!
Kurimatsu Teppei: What do you mean, I'm captain? Are you trying to kill me!?
Endou Mamoru: You'll be fine, Kurimatsu.
Kurimatsu Teppei, crushed by responsibility: No, I'll be dead, is what I am...
Kurimatsu Teppei: My favorite thing about big dogs is that when you push them over, they're all like "Oh, I'm lying down now! Someone might scratch my stomach! I might nap! Endless possibilities!"
Endou Mamoru: ...whereas, when you push little dogs over, they're all like, "Vengeance! Death before dishonor!"
Endou Mamoru: Whoever hates you, Shuuya, I'm ready to fight.
Gouenji Shuuya: I hate myself.
Endou Mamoru:
Endou Mamoru, applying face paint dramatically: Come at me, bastard!
Someoka Ryuugo: I didn’t even realize how sarcastic I was being. It’s starting to become a problem, I think.
Raimon Natsumi: I don't start arguments, but I'm ready to release my 2 years detective investigation skills if a bitch dares to argue with me.
Megane Kakeru: There are fruits that have misleading names. Like, passion fruit, grape fruit, and star apple.
Megane Kakeru: Fruits with names that actually tell the truth? Orange.
Raimon Natsumi, whispering to Haruna: Is he okay?
Otonashi Haruna: Leave him be, he's on three hours of sleep, five cups of coffee, and one grain of rice. He can be a little bit grumpy.
Midorikawa Ruiji, talking about Hiroto: Earth has a saying that goes like this. I'd tap that.
Kazemaru Ichirouta, eating soba: In front of my soba? really?