Chapter Text
This isn’t what I wanted.
That was the first thought that surfaced in your mind as you blinked, taking in the bright light that surrounded you. You stretched your neck from right to left, stretching out your stiff joints as you arched your back in an attempt to sit up. A jolt of pain suddenly struck you in the abdomen and radiated outward so suddenly that you winced, screwing your eyes shut as you let yourself slip back into the pillows behind you.
“Don’t try to get up.” The voice is gentle, and kind, and familiar, and it’s all wrong.
“You-“ Honestly, you don’t know what else you can really say to him. You open your eyes to see him sitting at the side of your bed, looking better than he had the last time you had seen him. He had obviously had a shower, and he had gotten more color back into his face. You glance down to see the lightsaber still attached to your belt, and Kylo follows your gaze.
“We should talk,” Kylo says firmly as he puts a large hand on your arm, but you pull it away.
“Talk?” you demand incredulously as you raise your eyebrows in surprise. “Yeah, you kidnapped me and my son from the Resistance just so we could talk.”
“Our son,” Kylo corrects you. “And I took you out of that base because you don’t belong there.”
“Oh yeah?” you ask as you sit up on your elbow. You can feel pain spreading through your abdomen again, but you try your best to ignore it. “And where do you think I belong? With you?” Kylo opens his mouth to speak, but he doesn’t say anything as you shake your head in disbelief. “Unbelievable. You are such a child, you know that? You can’t have everything you want.”
“I want to make things right,” Kylo argues, but he gets up to let you slide your legs off the end of the bed. “I want to have a chance to fix things.”
“A little late,” you snap tersely as you brace your hands on either side of the bed. You wince as you try to get up, and Kylo offers you his hand. You look up into his eyes, and they look so honest and sincere that you have to look away as you hit his hand away with the back of your closed fist. “Where’s Ani? We’re leaving.”
“He-“ Kylo starts, but you’re in no mood to listen to him as you push yourself onto your feet.
“We’re going back to the Resistance,” you say firmly. “And if you try to get in my way, I’ll kill you. Please know I mean that.”
“You don’t,” Kylo says, just as firmly, and you look down and away from him. Okay, no, you didn’t want to kill him if you could help it, but right now, you didn’t know what you were capable of. You sit back down on the end of the bed and rub your forehead with the heel of one hand while you try to think it over, and watch as it comes back to your memory in fragments. You remembered walking in on Kylo and Phasma kidnapping Ani, fighting with Kylo, Phasma shooting you in the side, escaping to the hangar, and Poe…
You can feel your heart skip a beat and for a moment you think you’re going to cry before you realize that Kylo is right there, watching you intently. “Why am I here?” you repeat quietly, your voice full of venom.
“Because,” Kylo gets down on one knee beside you, but he’s still considerably tall as he takes one of your hands in both of his large ones. “I thought about what my grandfather said. You wanted us to leave the war behind and be a family, and I want that, as does Ani. I want to try this. I want to have a family.”
“You want,” you scoff as you shake your head and look away. “Did you ever think about what I want? Did you think that I might have been happier on the Resistance base?”
“I felt your doubts,” Kylo tells you. “You weren’t sure if you wanted to stay there either. You didn’t want Ani to feel indebted to the Resistance. You didn’t want him growing up on a military installation. You-“
“Yeah, but that was before…” You let your voice trail off as you felt a wave of selfishness float over you. True, both you and Ani had wanted to stay on the base, but it wasn’t really until things had started to develop between you and Poe that you had pushed all of those other doubts behind you. Not that any of that really mattered now. Maybe you had been slightly selfish, but it was nothing compared to Kylo’s self-regard for his own wants. “I wanted a family with you before, not anymore.”
“Yes, you do,” Kylo says quietly as he presses the backs of your knuckles to his lips. “We’re connected. I can still feel you. I can feel what you want, and you still want me.”
You take a deep breath in and let it out. You want to construct a wall to keep him out, but honestly, right now you still feel far too weak. Instead, you decide to just tell the truth. “Yes,” you admit. “Yes, I do want you. I will always want you, against my better judgement. I can still want you and decide that I don’t want to be with you.”
“Ani wants to give this a chance,” Kylo says quietly, appeasingly, but this just makes you angry more than anything else.
“Ani is a child,” you tell him incredulously. “Seriously, are you honestly using our child as a bargaining chip in order to get me to be with you again?”
“No,” Kylo snaps, and he seems insulted by the notion. “Anakin is my son as well as yours. You got to spend time with him for years-“
“You could have seen him,” you snap. “You could have come back at any time. You didn’t.”
“I had reasons for that,” Kylo says through gritted teeth. You can see he’s getting angry, but right now, that doesn’t bother you in the slightest.
“Well, as long as you had a good reason,” you snap sarcastically. “Ani was happy on the Resistance base. Let’s just face what’s really bothering you. You couldn’t take it that Poe replaced you. You were jealous that he was there for me, and that he was actually starting to be a good father figure for Ani.”
“I am his father,” Kylo says, and his voice is dangerously low.
“You’ve never acted like it,” you tell him as you shake your head. “And the last time the three of us were in a room together, Ani made it clear that he was only there to deliver a message. He couldn’t have cared less about seeing you.”
“We’ve talked,” Kylo tells you. “He’s changed his mind. He is willing to give me a chance.”
“Because he’s a child.” You feel like your heart is breaking in your chest, more for Ani than anything else. “Seriously, how can you do this to him? You are his real father, and of course no one will replace you. Of course he’s going to say yes if you give him a chance to spend time with you.”
“And that’s all I’m asking for is a chance,” Kylo insists. “Snoke is gone now. He’s not in any danger.”
“What?” you ask as you glance up at him, reading his expression carefully.
“Snoke is gone,” Kylo repeats firmly. “My uncle, he-“ Kylo’s voice trails off as he looks away. “I could feel it; I could feel it when it happened. I believe it was the scavenger that dealt the fatal blow.”
“Oh,” you say, and for a moment you’re not sure how to process that information. “Well, that’s good then,” you decide. “It just means Rey and Finn and Luke will be coming back, and that’s three more people that are going to come looking for me.”
“They’re not going to find us,” Kylo says confidently, a self-assured smirk pulling at the corners of his lips.
“Oh no?” you ask, raising your eyebrows. “Then where are we? Somewhere in the Unknown Regions?” Kylo just shrugs as he looks away. “Oh, right, go ahead, refuse to tell me where I am. That doesn’t make me feel like a prisoner at all.”
“Go look outside,” Kylo says, and you pull your hand out of his grasp as you stand up and make your way around the bed, getting feeling back in your legs as you walk. You absolutely hated being shot by a stun blaster, especially at such close range, although you supposed you should have been thankful that it was only set to stun. As you look up, you immediately realize that the window isn’t a window at all, but a sliding glass door, and you slide it open as you step out onto a balcony.
Rey would have loved it. There was a slight breeze blowing that brushed strands of hair across your vision, and you tucked them behind your ear and swept them back out of your face as you looked at the lush vegetation all around you. It was beautifully green, the grass growing thick and strong with clusters of rich trees in the distance. The sun was high overhead, and as Kylo stepped behind you and wrapped his arms around your waist, you decided not to pull away.
“Where are we?” you ask quietly, as Kylo rests his chin against your shoulder.
“We’re on Naboo,” Kylo whispers in your ear, and your eyebrows shoot up at the familiarity.
“You’re even stupider than I thought then,” you say with a cocky sneer. “Because Poe has taken me to Naboo himself. He’s going to find us in no time at all.”
“Except that he isn’t,” Kylo tells you. “The Resistance is currently chasing our ship around the Inner Rim, or rather, what they think is our ship. They think we’re trying to make it across the galaxy; they would never think to look for you so close.” You bite your lip as you think it over. That sounded like smart logic, and you could only hope that Poe wouldn’t be tricked by it.
“But I know how to get back,” you tell him as you pull out of his grasp and turn around to face him. “And it won’t take me any time at all.”
“Then go back then,” Kylo yells at you suddenly, and you flinch instinctively, holding up your hands as if you’re ready to fight, but Kylo just shakes his head as if he’s disgusted with you. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore, then fine, but Ani stays here.”
“Like hell he does,” you scoff. “Ani-“
“You’re not keeping me from my son,” Kylo yells, and you suddenly feel a white-hot spark of rage shoot up through your spine, and for a moment you’re prepared to just run at Kylo and push him off the balcony. Instead, you step up close to him, letting him know that you were not about to be intimidated by him.
“My son,” you say firmly. Kylo purses his lips together as he looks down his nose at you, but you don’t flinch. “Ani is my son. You gave up any rights to being a father when you chose the First Order over us.” Kylo starts to speak, but you don’t let him. “And I get what you’re trying to do, believe me, I do. Trying to be a father figure now so he’ll just forgive you for the years and years he spent waiting for you? You abandoned us, and I don’t know if you think that you can atone for your sins by making up for lost time, but if you’re looking for redemption, you’re not going to find any here, not from us.”
Kylo closes his eyes and lets a deep breath out. “Give me a month.” You raise your eyebrows but you don’t step away. “You don’t have to stay, but just give me a month-“
“Like hell I’m just leaving Ani with you,” you snap, crossing your arms over your chest. You think it over in your head, letting the sincerity in his eyes ebb away at your resolve. “I’ll give you a week.”
“I gave you a week,” Kylo snaps. “And look where that got me.”
“You knew-“
“A month,” Kylo says loudly, and you bite your lip as you gaze up at him. Did you owe him that? He was Ani’s real father, but after everything he had done, should he even have the right to see Ani? Hell, he had murdered his own father. Shouldn’t he be concerned that Ani might go down the same route if he was in his presence?
“A month,” you relent, and Kylo lets out a sigh of relief. “But only if Ani agrees to it. The minute Ani wants to go back, we’re going back.”
“Thank you,” Kylo puts his hands on your shoulders as he kisses you, gently, and you let the action occur without finding comfort in it. Kylo seems to sense your resolve and draws back.
“But one more condition,” you say firmly. “And that is that you are coming back with us. You still have to take responsibility for what you’ve done.”
“Fine,” Kylo says lightly, and you know deep down that the only reason he’s agreeing to it so easily is because he’s probably going to find some way to get out of it, but as long as you and Ani managed to find your way back to the Resistance, then it shouldn’t matter.
“Now take me to Ani,” you order, and Kylo just nods as you follow him out of the bedroom and into a long hallway with several doors on either side. The house that you were inside looked exceedingly nice, and you wondered whose house you were in as you made your way down a long white tiled staircase and into a foyer. You looked to your left to see a living room type area, with several couches set up in a giant U, but you turn away from it as you hear the sound of Ani’s laughter off to your right. Your head immediately snaps in that direction, and you brush past Kylo as you make your way into a large kitchen.
Phasma is standing behind a stove cooking. She’s wearing normal clothes, not her regular silver armor, and her blonde hair looks a little longer than the last time that you had seen her. There is a giant bar separating her from Ani, where he is sitting on a stool as he eats, and you can tell that they are in the middle of friendly conversation by the jovial look on Ani’s face when you walk into the room.
“Hello there,” Phasma says pleasantly as you walk in. You make a face, and she points to your side where she shot you. “I am sorry about that, but we didn’t exactly have a lot of time.”
“You could have just left us,” you tell her. “Or better yet, just escaped and not come for us at all.”
“Believe me, I tried,” she says as she waves you over, and you sit down next to Ani. “Do you think Ren would hear of leaving you two behind?”
She loads up a plate of food and puts it in front of you, but you ignore it for a moment as you brush Ani’s hair back. “Are you doing okay there, Ani?”
“Uh-huh,” Ani says through a mouthful of food. You can see he’s sitting with his staff across his lap, and you’re happy that that didn’t get left behind. “It’s really nice here. And the food is really good.” You laugh gently as you rub your hand along his back as you look up at Phasma.
“How did you even know where to find him?” you ask suspiciously. “Sure you knew where the Resistance Base was, but how did you know Kylo was still being held there?”
“Tracker in his garments,” Phasma answers simply, and suddenly it dawns on you why Kylo had never taken his clothes off.
“How did you get through the Force lock?” you ask her, ignoring the food in front of you.
“Eat,” Kylo says, standing to the side of the counter, but you ignore him as you focus your attention on Phasma, waiting for her answer.
“A lock doesn’t do much good if there’s no longer a door,” Phasma says simply and you let out a breath through your nose as you reluctantly take a bite of food. “It’s good to see you again,” Phasma says at length, and you force yourself to remember that you had once considered her a friend. Although she had kidnapped Ani, she was only following Ren’s orders. She had always helped you when you needed it before, and maybe this time would be no different.
“Leave us,” Ren orders suddenly, before you have time to reply. She rolls her eyes in his direction before she turns off the stove and then walks out of the room. Kylo moves to stand where she had stood, standing directly in front of you, but behind the bar.
“Ani,” you say quickly, as you turn to face him. “Your dad and I have been talking and-“
“He wants us to stay here with him,” Ani says as he keeps eating, and you bite your lip, not sure how to continue.
“Yes,” you say. “But if you’d rather go back to base, we can always-“
“I want to stay,” Ani says, looking up at you. “I like Phasma. She’s nice and she cooks really well.”
“Yes, she does,” you say quickly, vaguely aware of your heart beating erratically in your chest. “But, you know, it’s okay if you want to go back to base. I mean, all of your friends are there, like Ladson, and BB-8 and Chewie and Finn and Rey and Poe.” You say this last name pointedly to get a reaction out of Kylo, but he doesn’t seem the least bit bothered by it as he takes a bite out of something in a pan in front of him.
“Well, why can’t they visit us here?” Ani asks. “I like it here. I got my own room and everything. It’s really big and there’s a lot of space and Phasma told me she has a staff too and we could play together. And dad’s going to train me in the Force-“
“That wasn’t part of the agreement,” you say tersely, looking up at him, and Kylo simply rolls his shoulders as you turn back to Ani. “Rey is going to teach you the Force when-“
“But I want dad to teach me,” Ani says loudly, and you close your eyes as you purse your lips together.
“It’s just-“ You sigh and take a deep breath out. You didn’t know what to say, you honestly, truly didn’t. “I thought you didn’t like your dad.” It seemed weird to say it so openly, but it was at least somewhat true.
“He said he was sorry,” Ani says, looking up at you. “And they want me to spend more time with him too.”
“They?” you ask as you raise your eyebrows in surprise. “You mean your spirit friends?” Ani bobs his head up and down as he takes another mouthful of food, and you shake your head. “No, no, that can’t be right, they warned me-“
“They warned you?” Kylo asks, and you bite your lip as you try to remember.
“Obi-Wan told me I was going to be tested,” you tell him, although you’re looking at Ani. “And then Anakin told me something was already happening and told me to listen, and that’s when I walked in on you.” Kylo looks troubled, but Ani doesn’t seem the least bit affected.
“Maybe they were talking about something else,” Ani says cheerfully, and you frown at him.
“Do you know something I don’t?” you ask, poking his arm with the tip of your finger.
Ani just shakes his head. “But I want to give dad a chance.”
“Because they want you to or because you want to?” you ask carefully, waiting to see his reaction.
“Both,” Ani replies through a mouthful of food, but you’re still not satisfied.
“Ani,” you say softly, running your fingertips up and down his small back. “Did your dad happen to say anything to you? Something about me, maybe? Saying something bad might happen if we left?” You have no idea how to delicately ask a child if Kylo threatened either you or him into getting him to say he wanted to stay, but this seemed like the safest way to go about it.
Kylo looks insulted, but Ani just looks up at you in confusion as he shakes his head. “Bad?” he asks. “He wants us to be a family.”
“And is that what you want?” you ask him, and Ani nods his head up and down.
“Why don’t you come here and give me a hug?” Kylo asks in a voice you’ve never heard him use before, and Ani hops down off the stool and scampers around to Kylo, who scoops him into his arms. You stare at him incredulously, your jaw hanging open in shock as you watch Kylo gently brush the bangs out of Ani’s face. Seeing Kylo downright paternal, as the father you always wanted him to be, stirred memories of when you had first spent time with him when Ani was a baby. You feel an unwanted bubble of emotion rise in your chest, and you quickly scoot away from the bar as you race back up the stairs and into your room.
You stumble out onto the balcony and collapse to your knees, feeling heavy sobs rack through your body. You didn’t want to leave Ani down there alone with him, but at the same time, you didn’t know what you wanted. No, you knew what you wanted, or rather, who. You wanted Poe with you, here, right now, right this very second. You wanted him to be stroking your back and you try to picture it as your vision glazes over with hot, blurry tears. You try to picture him kneeling besides you, stroking your back as he tells you that you can do this, because you’re strong, because he’s never met a stronger person in the whole of the galaxy and just the knowledge that that would be exactly what he would really tell you is so painful that you feel your heart shudder in your chest, as though it’s going to break apart.
You sob loudly and openly into your hands as you cover your face, hating Kylo, absolutely hating him for putting you in this situation, especially now that you had finally moved on from him once and for all. If this had been weeks ago, maybe you could have accepted it, but now, now that things were going so well with Poe, you didn’t want them to change. You sit back and press your forehead into your knees as you try to quell a sob, but you can’t, and you grit your teeth as it racks through your body, making your shoulders shake. Your nose is running and your hair is in your face and you let out an almost inhuman whine of defeat as you wrap your arms around yourself and sob, running your nose back and forth against your pants as you try to comfort yourself. The pain running through you is unlike anything you’d ever felt before. You had felt this broken on a handful of occasions when you assumed Kylo wasn’t coming back for you, but this was so much worse. You finally found someone who was sweet and uncomplicated and saw the absolute best in you at all times, and of course Kylo had to selfishly rip you away from him out of his own bitter sense of jealousy.
So what if Kylo wanted to be a father to Ani now? It didn’t matter to you. A part of it was probably brought upon by Snoke’s death; with him gone, the First Order would have surely all but disbanded, and the malevolent force that had been clinging to Kylo and urging him to the dark side was finally lifted, and he was free to pursue other things, like the family he always wanted. And that would have been good, that would have been perfect. Years ago, that would have been all that you had ever wanted, but now? Now you wanted to be back on the Resistance base with Poe and Ladson and Finn and Rey and all your friends. You could imagine how they would all comfort you now. You could imagine crying into Rey’s shoulder and she tried to comfort you by telling you to trust in the Force and helping you to control your thoughts. You could imagine how Finn would have just held you tightly to him as he pressed you into his stiff leather jacket that used to be Poe’s and told you that it was all going to be okay, that you could do this. You could imagine Poe holding you, pressing his lips to yours and trying to tell you a joke, trying to make you laugh, trying to make you smile to help you get through this, and while your mind flits through the numerous things that he would have said, it only makes it worse, and you feel a fresh bout of tears stream down your cheeks.
Your cheeks hurt, they ache from the insides as if you had been gnawing on them, and your throat feels sore and scratchy and you feel as though someone had suddenly plugged the bridge of your nose and was holding your fingers there, but you don’t care how awful you feel or how ugly you must look right now, because you had finally given up what you wanted and found something, someone else, and maybe it wasn’t better, but it was just as good. You weren’t going to compare the two; what you had with Kylo had been so utterly different with what you had with Poe that you couldn’t even begin to try to compare the two if you tried.
You loved Kylo in a way that was familiar, that was physical, all sensation and trust, as if deep down you had each become a part of each other that was impossible to separate. He understood you in a way that you didn’t think anyone else really could, knowing every flaw and every weakness. He had studied you for so long he knew exactly where to touch you to elicit the best responses, he knew exactly what you were thinking and what you wanted from him, and it was so predictable and familiar that it was comforting in a way that you couldn’t describe. Despite all the bad things he had done to those around him, that had never really had an impact on the bond that you shared with him. You had always wanted him, and you supposed a part of you always would, although whether it was the bond or just that you had grown so accustomed to his presence, you couldn’t say.
And maybe that was why you gravitated towards Poe so much. He was completely unfamiliar with you. He had to ask what you needed, or counted on you to tell him. He didn’t touch you in all the perfect places, but he tried, and it was that awkward fumbling around each other that you had come to appreciate. He was sweet, and honest, and you never had to question if what you had with him was genuine even though you couldn’t get into his mind because he wore his heart on his sleeve and you could see the sincerity in his eyes. You weren’t sure if he knew all your flaws, or your weaknesses, or simply overlooked them, but you knew that you could always go to him with whatever was wrong, and that he would never judge you for it. He would be there for you, and for Ani, in whatever way you needed him, and that was probably the biggest difference between him and Kylo. Even if Kylo wanted to be there for you, he was a wanted criminal on the run now, and he would never be able to give you the same kind of life that Poe could.
“I’m sorry.” You freeze instantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing up as you feel Kylo’s sudden presence standing next to you. You don’t know how long he had been there for, and you quickly push the tears away from your face with both hands as you stare into your knees, silently waiting for your vision to clear. Kylo sits down next to you and wraps his arms around you, resting his head against your side. You press your forehead into your knees as you force yourself to steady your breathing, although it’s difficult to inhale any substantial breath through your clogged nose, and you find yourself choking on the air in your lungs as you try to breathe.
You feel lightheaded, and you let yourself be embraced by him as he wraps his large arms around you. “I want to go back.” You know what else you want to say, but you can’t say it, not to Kylo’s face. You can tell him that you miss Poe, but you can’t even tell him that you love him because you’re not quite sure if you even do, but it’s there, the pain is there, and you know that he can feel it.
“You can go back,” Kylo says softly. “Just give me one month to spend with Ani.”
“I’m not leaving.” You can barely even understand your own voice through your tears, and you don’t mind wiping your snot on his shoulder in the slightest. “No, I’m not leaving you alone here with Ani, I’m just not.”
“What do you want me to do?” Kylo asks quietly, and you can sense a note of tender vulnerability through the Force that you had never really felt from him before. He was hurting too, but he had brought this pain on himself. He deserved this sort of pain. You didn’t. You had only been trying to do your best with the circumstances that you had; that was all you had ever tried to do. You never asked for any of this mess.
“I want you to leave me alone.” You stand up so suddenly you almost fall over, but you thankfully manage to stand upright as you make your way back into the room and into the bathroom. It’s a really nice bathroom, filled with brown tiles the color of caked mud that have a pleasant earthy tone to them, and you let this tiny, trivial bit of information distract you as you wash your face with the cool water from the sink, avoiding your gaze in the mirror. When you finally think you look at least somewhat okay, you emerge from the bathroom to see Kylo still sitting on the balcony, his back to you.
You want to go over and say something, but you don’t know what to say, and you decide to be thankful that he’s giving you your space as you go back downstairs to your barely touched plate of food. Ani is still sitting there, talking to Phasma, and you hop on the stool next to him, avoiding both of their eyes while you quietly pick at your food.
“Ani, why don’t you go on upstairs to your room and play with your staff, hm?” Phasma asks, and Ani looks between you and her as he silently nods his head and scurries off.
“Heard all that, huh?” you ask quietly, poking the food around your plate with your fork.
“The walls are thin,” Phasma says as she looks down at your plate. “Here, let me heat that up for you. It’s shit otherwise.”
You’re about to protest but she jerks the plate away from you before you can even open your mouth. Only when the food is not in front of you do you suddenly realize how hungry you are, and you sit for a moment in awkward silence as Phasma reheats your food.
It seems awkward to be seeing her again, especially since so much time had passed since your last meeting. The last time you had seen her was probably when you were sparring after one of your self-defense classes on the Starkiller Base, but so many years had passed that you could no longer say with absolute certainty that that had been your last meeting. In either case, you remembered that she had always been extremely kind to you, and you tried to preserve that notion to prevent you from trying to kill her for kidnapping you and your son.
“Good for you,” she says at length as she puts a hot plate of food in front of you, and you look up at her cautiously, not understanding. “I mean,” she says, brushing her wispy blonde bangs out of her face. “Good for you, not waiting around for Ren.”
“Oh,” is all you can say as you begin to pick at your food, but you’re not sure if she heard you.
“Men,” she continues. “It’s as if they think the world revolves around them and what they want. No woman should ever put her life on hold just waiting around for them to get their shit together.” You cock your head to the side in consideration as you raise your eyebrows. In truth, though, wasn’t that exactly what you had done? “One woman to another, I told Ren not to keep you waiting, but he was adamant that you would be loyal to him.”
“Oh,” you repeat, a bit more loudly the time. “You two talked about me?”
“After you left?” she asks. “Ren wouldn’t talk of anything but.” She shakes her head, and you take a moment to process this new bit of information. “He was insufferable in those first few weeks, destroying everything left and right. It’s no secret that he has a temper, but Hux came this close to just throwing him off the base.” She holds her thumb and index finger an almost imperceptible distance apart.
“He could have always come stay with me,” you mutter as you stuff a forkful of mood in your mouth, and now it’s Phasma’s turn to consider this.
“He wanted to,” she tells you. “I don’t know the intricate details as to why he couldn’t, but apparently he sent you off base for your safety, something about your life being in danger. I couldn’t fathom why at the time, but all I know is I didn’t find out that you had his son until much later on.”
“He’s told me why,” you say with a simple shrug. “I don’t know if I can really believe him though, after everything.”
She considers this. “I’ve never known Ren to be dishonest,” she admits. “But I don’t know the specifics of your relationship aside from what Ren has told me.”
“Did he talk to you a lot?” you ask curiously. “After I left, I mean?”
“He wouldn’t shut up,” Phasma says crossly, and her tone makes you giggle. “That man would visit me at all hours of the day and night just ranting about you, saying all sorts of things. It was starting to drive me mad.”
“Why you?” you ask as you look up at her. “I mean-“
“No, I know what you mean,” Phasma says with a dismissive wave of her hand. “But I’m sure you know Ren never really had any friends from within the First Order, and considering I was the only other person on this ship who really gave a damn about you, I guess he just felt as though I could understand.”
“He was lonely,” you say, phrasing it as more of a statement than a question, and Phasma nods her head.
“It seems he was,” Phasma says with a shrug. “I don’t know what transpired since, but I do know that I tried to talk him into leaving you and your son on the base. He absolutely would not hear of it.”
“You could have left us,” you mutter petulantly. “You didn’t have to come get us. You could have just left.”
“I had my orders,” Phasma says simply. “Hux told me that one of Snoke’s last transmissions was to help Ren escape the base by any means necessary, and although he didn’t deem it fit to carry out-“
“Wait, what?” you ask, turning sharply to face her. “Hux was just going to leave him there?”
Phasma just shrugs. “They never got along. At any rate, it worked out. The Resistance turned all of their focus to trying to track down both you and Ren that it bought Hux enough time to escape.”
“Fantastic,” you mutter under your breath.
“It seems that you are quite valuable,” Phasma says with a light chuckle.
“No, that’s Ani,” you tell her. “I mean, the son of Kylo Ren? I’m sure it’s no secret what kind of power he probably possesses.”
Phasma appraises you for a moment, as if she knows something she’s not telling. “Word is, you are quite something in your own right,” she says. “Tales of how you and your friends captured Ren might have been exaggerated, but I suppose there was some truth to it.”
“All exaggerated,” you say with a shrug. “I mean, I was just a distraction. I hardly did anything.”
“No?” Phasma asks, her eyes alight with amusement. “Then the girl with the glowing amber staff was just something they made up then?” You bite your lip as you look up at her. She doesn’t look impressed, or angry, just amused. “Good to see that your training did not go completely to waste after all.”
“And you’re not mad that I attacked your troops?” you ask suspiciously.
“That’s another matter,” she says with a tight smile. “But this is war, and I understand that you did what you had to do.”
You tilt your head to the side. “Is it, though?” you ask as you look up at her. “I mean, with Snoke gone, isn’t the First Order kind of gone too?”
“We’re lying low,” she admits. “Regrouping. We have several new strategies that we are looking into, none that you need to concern yourself with.”
“Right,” you say as you blow out a puff of air that you had been holding in your cheeks. “I know this doesn’t concern me, but it concerns Ani, which means it does concern me. If they are looking for Kylo Ren here-“
“No one is looking for Kylo Ren here,” she tells you.
“You know what I mean,” you say crossly. “He’s involved with the First Order, and he’s here, so-“
“Who says he’s still involved with the First Order?” Phasma asks, tilting her head to the side, and you feel your shoulders slump. She had always been direct with you, and you had appreciated that, but you were not going to be happy if you found out that she had suddenly taken on a predilection for mind games.
“He’s Kylo Ren,” you tell her. “Of course he’s still involved.”
“Things have changed in the past few years,” Phasma says with a sigh. “Hux and Ren saw, well, they didn’t see things eye to eye. Hux questioned Ren’s commitment to the First Order and Ren, well-“ She shrugs, and you mull this over.
“He gave up?” you ask her slowly, and she just shrugs, as if it doesn’t really make a difference to her.
“He still did the ground work,” she admits. “But overall he did seem less enthused with the way things were going. I thought it was just due to the nature of his disagreements with Hux, but there was talk that he had other reasons.”
“Meaning me,” you say softly.
“Meaning you,” Phasma says with a stern nod of her head. “I’m sure I don’t need to remind you that the First Order views any sort of personal connections as weakness.”
“I’m his weakness all right,” you mutter under your breath before you look up at her sharply. “You can have him back though. I don’t want him anymore, not after everything he’s done.”
She just laughs as she shakes her head. “Ren told me about the pilot.”
“His name is Poe,” you say pointedly, and Phasma laughs openly at that.
“Poe Dameron, is that right?” she asks, and you nod your head. “Yes, that’s right. Poe Dameron, supposedly the best fighter pilot that the Resistance has to offer.”
“He is the best,” you tell her. “He even taught me how to fly.” She raises her eyebrows, as if she’s impressed, and you quickly hunker down again. “I mean, not his X-Wing, although he did take me for a ride in that once. I can just pilot, you know, basic stuff.”
“Once you figure out how to fly one thing, you can fly anything,” Phasma says indifferently. You would have staunchly disagreed with her on that, but perhaps she took to flying more naturally than you did. Honestly, you didn’t even know that she was a pilot, but you supposed it made sense. “And you fell in love with him?”
“I wouldn’t say it got that far,” you admit sheepishly. “Yet. But I did see me potentially having a future there with him.” You look up at her. “One woman to another, you know that I can’t have any sort of future with Ren. You know he can’t be there for me, or Ani.”
“He wants to be,” Phasma says with a shrug. “I’m not going to get involved. I have my orders and right now those orders are to guard Ren and you and your child.”
“For a month,” you say firmly. “For a month and then Ani and I are going back to the Resistance.”
Phasma laughs openly at this. “And you think he’s just going to let you?”
“He said he would,” you say, still trying to sound confident although you suddenly realize how dumb that sounds with your own ears. “At any rate, are you going to let me? Or do you have orders to keep me here as well?”
“I suppose we’ll see when the time comes,” Phasma says. “Up until that time, though, you are considered guests here and I promise to treat both you and your son with the utmost civility.”
“And I thank you for it,” you say as you continue eating. The food she cooked really was a lot better than anything you had eaten at the Resistance base, although the company could have been greatly improved. You missed your dinner time conversations with Ladson and Finn and Rey and Poe. They had always been the highlights of your days, and now it seemed that those dinners had just become another fond memory to look back on, back at an old chapter of your life. You didn’t want it to be, but you could tell by Phasma’s tone that she didn’t really believe that you were going to go back there. Indeed, it seemed too simple, even to your own ears, but you could allow yourself to hope, right?
You finish eating in silence and thank her quietly as you push the plate away from yourself. “No need to thank me, especially after I gave you that,” she says as she gestures to the wound in your side. “Please let me know if you need anything, anything at all.”
“Thanks, I will,” you tell her before you turn around to head back upstairs. You check the balcony to see that Kylo’s not there, and instead head back out into the hallway. Across the hall from you is another bathroom, a smaller one than the one inside your own room, and down the hall there were two more doors across from each other, one that was shut tight and you assumed to be Phasma’s room, or maybe Kylo’s, and another room with a door slightly ajar.
They had been planning this for quite a while, you observed, as you pushed open the door with your foot. Inside was a child sized bed with a large chest of toys in the corner, and you could see blocks and puzzles scattered all over the floor. Kylo was sitting with his back against the bed, floating blocks towards Ani with the Force while Ani swatted them away from him with his staff. He was giggling and laughing and seemed to be having a good old time of it, and even Kylo looked pleased with himself, the corner of his lips turned upwards in a tight-lipped smile. It looked so natural, as if had simply been lifted out of a dream of what you thought might have been, and the thought of it makes your heart sink.
“Time to wash up, Ani,” you tell him as you appear in the doorway. Ani pouts as he looks up at you, but Kylo just looks away.
“Please?” Ani asks. “Just a little longer?” You cross your arms over your chest, and Ani turns to Kylo instead. “Please? Please can we keep playing just a little longer?”
“Listen to your mother,” Kylo says, but you find his blind agreement with you more frustrating than anything else.
“A little longer is fine,” you tell Ani, and Kylo looks up at you in surprise as you head back into your own room. You walk into the bathroom and shut the door tightly behind you, making sure to lock it for emphasis that you wanted your own privacy. You take a shower, letting the hot water run over you, and it feels nice, but you can’t help but think back to where Poe was and what he was doing right now. At first you think he must be worried sick about you, but you’re at least comforted by the notion that he knew you could take care of yourself. He probably assumed that you had beat the shit out of your captors, grabbed Ani, and hopped on a freighter and headed back towards his waiting arms.
Poe’s overwhelming confidence in your abilities makes you feel at least a little better as you step out of the shower and slip his present back around your neck. The stone no longer felt totally smooth; instead, it felt lightly smudged, and you quickly wipe it down with the wet corner of your towel gently, so as not to scratch it. You knew that you couldn’t connect with him through the Force to let him know that you were okay, but you pulled the stone into your hand and squeezed it anyway, silently hoping that maybe at least Rey could pick up on your ripples in the Force and relay the message, or even find some way to trace the Force signature back to your location. You knew it was a long shot, but it was worth a try.
After you emerge from the bathroom, you put your clothes back on and head straight out the door to check on Ani. The door to his room is shut, but after a quick peek, you find him quietly asleep in his room. The corner of your lip pulls upwards in a small smile to see that he’s safe, at least for now, and you close the door gently and you step quietly back to your own room. You close the door quietly as you sigh and slump against it, rubbing your fingertips against your temples, trying to figure out what you were going to do. The answer, of course, was that you were going to wait, but you were not a patient person and you didn’t want to wait an entire month to make it back to Poe. So much could change in that amount of time, and although you weren’t exactly worried about Poe moving on, you were worried that he might not fit into your life as well as he once did.
You round the corner, heading for the bed, but jump when you see Kylo lying outstretched on a couch along the back wall of the room. He’s shirtless, wearing nothing but baggy black pants, and you cross your arms as you see him. “What are you doing here?” you ask flatly, although you are much too tired and drained to let any real venom creep into your voice.
“I brought you some clothes.” You glance down at the bed covers to see something laid out for you, a black gossamer tunic that looked almost transparent in the dim light. It had a deep cut down the middle that was embroidered in gold lace, and you raise an eyebrow as you look down at it. “The rest is in the dresser.”
You considered throwing it back at him, but he sounded too tired to argue with as well, and so you simply took it and headed into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door as you stripped down. You slid the thin material over your head, and you had to admit that it was very pretty, with long flowing sleeves and a wide collar so it hung just off the ends of your shoulders. You shook your hand as you looked at yourself in the mirror, but decided it was better not to question this too much. It was just a shirt, just a piece of fabric.
Even still, you bundle your dirty clothes to your chest as you slip back into the room, putting them on the floor beside you as you slip into the bed, disappearing under the covers before Kylo can really notice you. You put your head down on the pillow, but his presence in the room is, quite frankly, annoying, and you weren’t quite sure why he was there. Was he trying to intimidate you?
“There are couches downstairs,” you tell him. “You don’t have to sleep in here.”
“I want to,” Kylo says firmly, and you let out a breath as you shake your head and pull the blankets further up around yourself. “You don’t have to worry. I’m not going to touch you without your consent.”
“I’m so grateful,” you reply sarcastically, and you can hear Kylo shift in the darkness to look over at you.
“I thought you were just using him to make me jealous,” Kylo says at length, and you can’t help but laugh at that.
“Like you really give a shit,” you scoff. “Let’s face it, you’re happy that I’m here with you and not with him.”
Kylo just lets out a sigh. “I don’t like to see you in pain.”
“Only because you can feel my pain,” you snap. “Don’t pretend that you actually give a shit about me past your own self-interests.”
“What would it take?” Kylo asks, and he sounds genuinely curious. “What would it take for me to show you that I’m serious about this?”
“What would it take you to show me that you really do want a future with me and Ani?” you ask as you sit up. From out in the darkness, Kylo nods. “Drop dead.”
You throw yourself back in the pillows and Kylo lets out an exasperated sigh, but makes no attempt to push you any further. To be honest, you feel bad that you said it, but you try not to dwell on it. Kylo Ren was a bad person who did bad things, who used people to get what he wanted without looking back. If he was nice to you at all while you were here, it was only because it would help him get what he wanted, and it had nothing at all to do with you or Ani. Maybe there was a small part of him that did genuinely want a family, but that wasn’t something that you had to concern yourself with. You wanted a future with Poe, and he had attempted to rob you of that for his own selfish desires. Whatever he would do, you had to keep that firmly in your memory.
You’re not quite sure where along the line you fall asleep, but you’re awakened by a disconcerting sound, and you blink a few times as you try to remember where you are and how you had gotten there. You prop yourself up at one elbow, confused, before your eyes make their way to Kylo in the darkness. He had slipped down onto the pad of the couch with his long legs hanging over the arm rest in a position that could by no means be considered comfortable. He was whimpering and murmuring under his breath, shaking his head back and forth as if in some sort of nightmare.
You pitied him for a moment before you shook your head and lay back down on the pillow, closing your eyes as you tried to get back to sleep. Kylo let out a high-pitched whine at the exact same time you closed your eyes and you opened them again, staring at the wall in front of you. Should you wake him up? No, you decided. Whatever nightmares he was having was in reparation for whatever sins he had committed, and he deserved them, each and every one of them. No matter how ephemeral his dreams were, you knew that while dreaming, some nightmares could seem like a lifetime, and you hoped that right now he was in a hellish landscape that he thought he would never wake up from.
But as you tried to close your eyes again, Kylo released a slow whimper of pain and you rolled over onto your stomach and put your pillow over your head, trying to block out the sound. You knew Kylo was suffering, but you were by no means willing to suffer with him. You had already put yourself through that once before, and you were not going to let yourself fall back into the same habits that had gotten you into this mess to begin with…
…if you could help it.