Archive of Our Own

They arrive at the hotel in the early evening.

After checking in, getting their keys, and going over security protocol—everyone heads up to their rooms to unpack, exhausted from the flight. Chan’s muscles ache a little from being in the same position for a while, and he knows that he’ll need a massage soon.

Seungmin seems the most tired, so sleepy that he’s clinging onto Jeongin’s arm while resting his head on his shoulder as they get in the elevator. Amused, Jeongin holds onto him by his waist, supporting half his weight.

Hyunjin shivers from the cold air conditioning, the vent right above his head. Changbin shrugs off his jacket in an instant, always attuned to Hyunjin’s every move or change of behavior. It’s almost unnerving, but the obsession is certainly mutual, so they’ve all gotten used to it by now.

It’s almost on the same level as the mutual obsession between Minho and Jisung, who are leaning on each other, sticking together like chopsticks—nothing new there.

Then, Chan’s gaze lands on Felix, who is arguably his obsession. Chan has many obsessions, he would describe his personality as obsessive, easily absorbed, nearly too passionate about the things and people he loves. The kids tell him that they wouldn’t change a thing about him, except maybe his tendency to self-sacrifice too much, but Chan knows there’s always room for improvement. Whether it’s professionally or personally, he can always do better, work harder. It hasn’t even been a week since he confessed some pretty vulnerable stuff on Bubble to Stays, and the mix of responses made him feel so anxious and worn out he simply gave up, apologizing for everything. Felix had practically broken down his hotel room door not even ten minutes later, rushing back from a midnight snack run. He let Chan cry in his arms, he told him that he had nothing to apologize for.

Chan doesn’t know if he believes that or not. Even if he knows something logically, cognitively—sometimes his emotions are just too strong, too big, for his body, and he doesn’t know what to do with them or how to handle it. His brain just ends up going in about twenty different directions. Even during this short elevator ride, his mind wanders, nearly… spirals, as Felix would call it. When he’s stressed like this, he tends to do that. 

Everyone seems happy and healthy now, but that could change in an instant, and that’s not spiraling, that’s just real life. Minho is getting over a cold after all, which means it’s completely possible that he spread it to someone else, considering how they are always together and sharing food or drinks. Colds are not a huge deal, you get over them in a few days, they’re easy to push through with some medicine, and Minho did just that.

But what if it actually wasn’t a cold? What if Minho is still sick, or what if it develops into something serious, like pneumonia? What if everyone gets pneumonia? Or, everyone except him? And he’ll just have to watch as all seven of them—

“Chris?”

Felix’s voice brings him back to reality, and he stops zoning out. He can hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. “Yeah?”

“We’re here, I’ve been keeping it open for you,” Felix says with a chuckle, knocking on the side of the elevator door that he’s holding with his hand. “You good?”

“Oh, haha,” Chan replies, his hands fidgeting at his sides before he decides to adjust the strap of his backpack instead. “Thanks.” Felix’s eyes narrow at him, and Chan grimaces before walking out into the hallway.

“You’re still worried, aren’t you? Your–”

“What makes you say that?” Chan blurts out, interrupting in such a frantic manner that it makes him look even worse than before.

Felix stares at him. “Well.”

Chan scratches the back of his neck. “Okay, yeah, I get it. I’m sorry.”

Felix’s expression softens. “What did I tell you, Channie? You don’t need to apologize, I promise. How about we both unpack, and I’ll come over to your room in about fifteen minutes?”

“Maybe half an hour is better,” Chan replies with a laugh. “You know why.” His unpacking routine takes awhile, and he needs to be alone for it, with no room for distractions.

“Yeah, I do,” Felix answers, but there’s no teasing there, he sounds just as soft as before. Understanding, non-judgmental. “Take your time, Channie. When you’re ready, just text me, ‘kay? Does that work?"

Chan nods, his words suddenly failing him. Something about the way Felix is talking makes his head feel very strange. Whether it’s good or bad, he doesn’t know yet. He feels like he’s in a slight daze when he finally enters his room and starts to unpack. He glances at the clock, and it reads 5:03pm.

-

At 5:47, Chan shoots Felix a text message, letting him know that it’s okay to come over. He replies with a thumbs up, and Chan sits at the desk to wait.

A few minutes later, Felix knocks at the door, and Chan lets him inside. His hair is damp, and his face glows as if his skincare is freshly applied. Or maybe Felix is actually an angel sent from above, who knows.

“Hi,” Felix greets him with a smile, and then points to his phone screen. “I wanted to show you this cute TikTok I saw earlier.” He turns the phone so Chan can see, and presses play. It’s a video of a golden retriever being taught tricks by its owner, and every time the dog successfully does the trick, it receives a treat as a reward. At the end of the compilation, the dog does the trick all on his own, and then rests his head on the owner’s knee, waiting for a treat. The owner pets him and calls him a good boy, and the dog wags his tail.

“Cute doggy,” Chan coos. “That’s sweet.”

“The account is this couple I follow, they’re from Australia. Isn’t that cool?” Felix asks, eyes sparkling.

A lot of people are from Australia, but Felix’s excitement makes him excited too. “Aw, that makes me miss Berry,” Chan says.

Felix frowns. “Okay, well don’t get sad, that’s not why I showed it to you.”

Chan can’t help but chuckle. “Don’t worry, Lix. It cheered me up, really.”

Felix smiles. “That’s good. Honestly, it reminded me of you.”

“Because they’re from Australia?” Chan asks, confused.

“No,” Felix says, shaking his head. “I don’t know, puppies just remind me of you sometimes. Maybe since you love them so much? Sometimes when you get excited, you act like a puppy though,” Felix adds.

Chan feels heat rush to his face. He definitely was not expecting that. “Oh, haha.”

“You can see it though, right?” Chan nods, but he’s still confused. “Maybe I should pat your head and call you a good boy after you do something too,” Felix jokes, bursting into laughter after he says it.

Chan tries to laugh with him, but his body seems to have other plans. He chokes on his saliva as soon as he opens his mouth, and the laugh ends up coming out as a gurgle. He tries to bite down on his lip to stop it, but it’s too late. Even worse, he makes eye contact with Felix right at that moment—and whimpers.

Felix stops laughing. Chan looks down at his feet, and he knows his face must be extremely red right now. “Wait.”

Chan wishes the ground would swallow him up. What the fuck was that?

When Felix said it, an image flashed in his mind. A scenario with the two of them—one where Chan is on his knees, resting his head on Felix’s lap. Felix running his fingers through his hair, calling him a good boy in that crazy, beautiful, deep voice of his.

And now he’s thought of it again, and he thinks maybe he’s fucked up even more, because he might have just made another weird noise, and that will definitely freak out Felix, because their sex life is pretty vanilla, they’ve never talked about something like this that involves giving up control, because Chan is always in control of his life, in every way, and that can’t ever change because…

Because.

“Chris, look at me. It’s okay. You’re shaking, love,” Felix tells him, gentle and sweet, interrupting his train of thought, his spiraling, yet again. He’s in front of him, holding onto Chan’s hands. “Come here, I got you,” he whispers, and Chan believes him.

With no hesitation, he falls forward into Felix’s embrace. He doesn’t cry, but he’s breathing fast, and Felix holds him, breathes along with him, rocks him back and forth. After a few minutes, Chan calms down. He squeezes the fabric of Felix’s shirt between his fingers, and nuzzles into his neck, inhaling the scent of his body wash. “Mmm,” he mumbles.

“Hm? What do you need, Channie?” Felix asks, rubbing his back.

Chan clears his throat. “Don’t know, just wanna feel you.”

Felix hums in thought. “You know, earlier I was going to suggest fucking me to take your mind off things.” To his horror, Chan’s cock twitches in his pants. “Oh? I was gonna ask if you wanna do that, seems like I got my answer,” he teases.

“Lix,” Chan whines.

“Tell me, Chris. Do you want to fuck me?” Felix asks, his voice dipping into that honey sweet yet dark tone  that definitely doesn’t drive Chan crazy. He’s never jerked off to a random voice message of his boyfriend’s before, nope.

“Uh, can I–” Chan’s voice cracks as he starts talking, but Felix doesn’t say anything about it, waiting patiently. “Can I suck you off? You can, like, use my mouth.”

Felix looks a little surprised, but the expression quickly passes. He swallows hard. “Yeah, I mean, yes,” he replies. Chan doesn’t have the sense to realize that he’s never really asked for Felix to use him before. “I’ll just, yeah,” Felix mumbles, more to himself than anything, as he unties the drawstring on his sweatpants.

It’s awkward for a few moments. This is new for both of them, so it’s to be expected. Chan is too floaty to mind, his head full of cotton as he and Felix eventually swap spots so that he’s the one kneeling on the floor while Felix sits on the chair. He’s still mumbling to himself, but Chan doesn’t process what he’s saying anymore. He scoots forward and spreads his legs, and Chan whimpers, immediately thinking about his fantasy from earlier. He leans forward, resting his head on his thighs.

“You’re cute like this,” Felix tells him, petting his head. “So sweet, my Channie.”

“Yours,” Chan mumbles. His hands that are clasped behind his back twitch, aching to reach out and feel Felix’s skin.

Felix must notice, because he says, “You can touch me, Chris. Look at you, waiting for me to tell you what to do, huh?”

Chan nods, but the movement means that the top of his head brushes against Felix’s dick, and the groan that he lets out in response makes Chan fully harden in his pants. “Mhm, put it in. Mouth,” he says eloquently.

Felix huffs, but it’s fond. “Okay, okay. Uh, open up?”

The fact that Chan finds that hot, and obeys right away, is a testament to how utterly obsessed with Felix he is. Felix could say the most unsexy thing in the world—well, he kinda just did—and Chan could probably come in his pants from his voice alone.

Chan thinks he hears Felix mutter “fuck” under his breath as he wraps his lips around him, sucking on the tip for a few seconds before moving to lick further down the underside of his cock. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, the angle is a bit weird, so they rest on the sides of the chair. Before long, Felix’s hands intertwine with his own, while he thrusts into Chan’s mouth. It’s slow and gentle, and that only makes the static in Chan’s brain spread even further, threatening to overtake him completely. He feels as if he’s on the edge of something, a mindset, a feeling, he doesn’t know.

“Doing so good, Channie,” Felix grunts.

Chan moans, and the vibrations make Felix’s hips jerk. He curses under his breath again, and his thrusts get sloppier. Chan can feel the way his thighs slightly tremble, indicating that he’s close. He’s gone over that edge now, and he feels like nothing matters except making Felix come, making Felix happy.

“Shit, gonna—Chris, if you don’t want me to come in your mouth, you gotta—” Felix gasps, and Chan squeezes his hand so hard that it must hurt, trying to be as clear as possible that he wants this. “Ah, I love you,” Felix moans, coming in his mouth. 

Chan opens his eyes—he didn’t realize he even closed them—to see it happen. He thinks his heart might explode from how happy he feels, knowing that he is the only one who gets to see Felix like this. He swallows every last drop of his cum, savoring it, closing his eyes, and then he realizes that Felix is right next to him, saying something.

“Come on, let’s go to the bed, I’ll take care of you,” is all he can make out, but he thinks maybe there was more to it. Felix guides him to the bed, sitting beside him. He leans forward to kiss Chan’s forehead, causing his eyes to flutter closed. Felix embraces him, and Chan wants to be as close to him as possible, pulling him in. The feeling of Felix rubbing his back soothes him, but it also makes him unknowingly grind against his body. “Want me to use my hand?” Felix asks, already reaching to do just that.

Chan nods, pushing his hips into his hand, and the movement makes Felix chuckle—a deep rumble that causes him to shiver. Felix slips his hand under Chan’s waistband, moving underneath his boxers to wrap his hand around him. “You’re all wet,” he says bluntly, and Chan blushes.

He opens his mouth to respond, but Felix shushes him. “It’s okay, it’s hot. You’re so hot Chris,” he mumbles, and Chan can’t help the twitch of his hips at the feeling of the tight fist around his cock. He feels a bit flustered when he realizes that Felix is right, he was leaking a lot of precum, to the point that the glide is smooth. “Shh, I got you,” Felix says, and Chan can tell he’s about to move his hand so that he can just lay there and relax.

But then, he says it.

“Such a good boy, Channie.”

Without meaning to, he thrusts into the warmth surrounding him—a bit of an exaggeration considering it’s just a hand, and really, he should be used to hand jobs by now, but holy shit, Felix just said he was a good boy. Chan moans, way too loud, and trembles through his orgasm.

There is nothing but silence for a moment, when Chan comes back down to earth. Felix seems surprised, his hand frozen around his softening cock. Chan pulls back, ashamed, and Felix finally removes his hand from his boxers. Chan breathes out shakily, and looks up to meet his eyes.

Felix gasps, practically lunging forward. “Oh shit, Channie, are you okay?”

“Huh?” Chan croaks.

“You’re crying, was it something I did?” Felix asks, panicked. “I guess that can happen, it’s not like I’ve never cried after you—”

Something about Felix blaming himself, asking if it was his fault, makes Chan completely snap out of whatever headspace he was just in. Something about the realization that he is crying after his orgasm, which was caused by something so pathetic as Felix simply saying “good boy, Channie”, makes him scramble to get off the bed.

His breathing comes faster, and his hands shake. Chan wants Felix to stop looking at him like that, worried, scared even. It shouldn’t be this way. What was he thinking, letting this happen? How could he put Felix in such an uncomfortable position? He basically forced Felix to take care of him, forced him to take on a role they haven’t discussed, which means he doesn’t even know if this was consensual, right? Did Felix actually want this? Stupid, of course not. Why would he want to see Chan like this? Who the fuck would want to see him like this?

He doesn’t know how much time has passed as he’s thinking all this, but he can only think of one thing to do. The best way to handle this situation, is the best way he handles any situation where he’s fucked up.

Chan laughs, despite the tears drying on his face. He slaps his knee for extra measure, as if he’s just heard the funniest joke. “Well, that was crazy,” he starts with. “Haha, oh wow.”

Felix looks terrified. Chan thinks he deserves the worst type of pain imaginable.

This won’t work on Felix. He’s too smart, too observant. He can’t play it off like this. So, he tries the next best option.

Chan sighs, exhales with another laugh, one that sounds real this time. “To be honest, I can’t believe that happened,” he says, and it’s the truth, so it comes out much calmer. “That’s wild! I got emotional for a sec, haha,” he adds. Felix looks skeptical for a second, but his face softens, and he comes closer.

“You’re okay now?” Felix asks, his eyes glassy, as if he was about to cry at Chan’s freak out.

Chan bites down on his cheek so hard he tastes metal. “Yeah, mate,” he says with a chuckle, because they’re weird and call each other mate right after fucking, so it sounds normal. “I think I’m just exhausted, you know? But that was great, like, you were amazing, Lix.”

Felix smiles. “I’m glad. It was fun.”

Chan smiles back, touched at the fact that Felix is trying to make him feel better about it by pretending that he really liked it. “It’s okay. I’m sorry you had to deal with that, honestly.”

“What?” Felix asks, looking very confused. “Chris, what are you talking about?”

“You handled it really well, I’m just sorry I put you in that position, and I totally understand if you’re upset at me.”

“Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about?” Felix asks again, but he sounds genuinely mad this time. He seems to realize this, and he takes a deep breath. “Chris, I think that maybe we’re misunderstanding each other.”

Chan doesn’t even comprehend the words. “Haha, yeah. I totally get it. Do you want to stay here tonight, or go back to your room? I understand if—”

“Please, stop saying that,” Felix interrupts, and he sounds sad, for reasons Chan doesn’t completely understand. “I am not upset at you. You did nothing wrong, Chris, that’s what I’ve been trying to tell you.”

“Should I order pizza?” Chan asks, grinning.

Felix gasps, and he stands up abruptly from where he was sitting at the desk for a moment. “I should go, I think, and then I’ll come back later, maybe, but I am not upset, okay?”

“Okay,” Chan says with a nod. “I totally get it.”

Felix is about to open the door when he suddenly turns back around. “I love you, Chris. I don’t know how to get through to you, and I’ll probably ask Minho-hyung since–” he shuts his mouth closed so fast that Chan can hear his teeth clacking together. He closes his eyes, thinking, before he decides to speak again. “I was rambling again, shit. Um, just call me when you’re able to really talk, yeah? I don’t know if this is the right—yeah. Okay?”

Chan nods, and Felix leaves. The sound of the door closing makes Chan’s forced smile drop in an instant, and he falls to his knees, sobbing.

By the time he stands up, his knees are red and sore from the rug burn.

-

A harsh knocking wakes Chan up from where he’s asleep on the bathroom floor. “Chan-hyung. Jisungie told me this is not the right time to joke about hurting you in various ways, because of your vulnerable state. So, I don’t know what to say, but I need you to open the damn–”

“Alright, I’m coming,” Chan groans, his head pounding as he gets up and walks over to unlock the door.

“I sure hope not. That would be unfortunate for my eyes—wow.” Minho’s eyes widen when Chan opens the door, meaning he must look absolutely horrible right now. “Fuck, sorry about that, just ignore what I said,” he mutters, and alarm bells go off in Chan’s head, because that’s really weird for Minho to apologize for messing around. “Hey, hyung.”

“You’re being weird, Minho-yah,” Chan replies, rubbing his temples.

“This is true,” Minho says with an empty laugh. “Okay, I didn’t realize it was this bad. Did you drop really hard?”

“Drop what?”

Minho winces. He looks to the side, deep in thought, before he looks back at Chan and blinks three times in rapid succession. “Aigoo,” he coos, but it’s completely flat, which seems like it shouldn’t be possible. “Let me in.”

Chan obliges, and Minho marches toward the desk, looking for the bottle of paracetamol that Chan always travels with, in case his feet are really bothering him, or if he gets a stress headache.

“What are you doing?” Chan asks, but he doesn’t really care, because his head hurts.

“Sit down right there,” Minho says firmly, pointing to the chair across from him. “Don’t move.” Chan doesn’t know why, but he does exactly that. He closes his eyes to rest, so he startles when Minho grabs his arms to place something in his hands. “Drink the water. Take the pills.” Chan does. “Eat this,” Minho adds, placing a granola bar in his hand. When Chan makes a face, he glares at him. “Eat it.”

Minho unwrapped half of it, for some reason, and so it’s easy for Chan to take a bite right away. Even though the sight of food made him nauseous at first, he quickly realizes that he’s really hungry. He scarfs it down as Minho watches his every move, then takes the wrapper and glass from him to set it on the desk. Chan flinches at the sight of the glass on the bare table, with no coaster.

Before he can comment on it, Minho speaks first. “It was room temperature, no condensation will drip down onto the desk. I will wash it in exactly twenty minutes. First, talk.”

Chan looks at the clock. It reads 7:40 am.

“Talk about what?” Chan asks, completely genuine.

“Whatever happened between you and Yongbok-ah, because he came to me crying last night—sit back down.”

Chan, who practically leapt up from his seat at Minho’s words, sits back down right away.

“You will not go to him, he needs to process this,” Minho continues, firmly. “He is okay. Kim Seungmin decided to play games with him, and Hannie brought him an extra sweet vanilla latte for breakfast, so he is not in any danger, I promise.”

Chan’s hands shake. “Does this mean you know that I was… like that? Does everyone know?”

Minho sighs, but he doesn’t sound irritated. He scoots his chair closer to Chan, and rests his hand on his back. Chan shivers at the contact, and Minho hums, a sound that elevates in pitch at the end, which he recognizes right away. Minho’s saying “hm? I know~”, the same way he responds to his cats when they meow at him.

“I’ll tell you what I know,” Minho says, and he’s not being playful anymore, his voice going softer. “Yongbokkie took care of you last night, and he loved it. He thought that you also loved it, but then you panicked afterwards. He tried to reassure you, but it was like talking to a wall. He said that you were pretty out of it, Chan. He was scared that he would hurt you if he tried to help, that’s why he asked me, so that he could learn more about it.”

“About what?” Chan asks.

“You experienced a sub drop. You felt really good, and then it all came crashing down, right?” Minho asks gently. Chan nods. “You dropped. Hard, it seems. Yongbok-ah doesn’t have experience with being a dom, so he wasn’t sure how to provide proper aftercare. That’s why he came to me, because I’m familiar with sub drops.”

Chan doesn’t really know how to process any of that. “Why? Are you okay?”

“Am I—seriously? Yes, I am okay, that is not the point,” Minho says, his voice getting louder at the end, and Chan jumps. Everything still feels and sounds pretty overwhelming right now. “It’s okay, Chan-ah. I’m not mad, see?” He looks up at Minho, who suddenly makes his eyes go super wide, and Chan laughs. Minho relaxes his face, and his lips quirk up into a small smile. “That sound makes everyone happy. Don’t let your fears prevent you from experiencing joy.”

Chan kicks his feet together, not knowing what to say to that. There are times when Minho feels like the older one, and this is one of those times. “You’re the only one who knows?”

Minho nods. “It’s a private thing for you, I get that. Nobody has the slightest idea what happened, just that you weren’t feeling the best.” Chan opens his mouth to ask something, but Minho doesn’t let him. “Not even Jisungie knows the details.”

“Okay,” Chan says.

“I need to know that you understand. Yongbok liked what happened, and now he knows how to help if you have another drop, but if you guys communicate, it won’t be this bad again.”

“He wanted it? I didn’t force him?” Chan asks, his voice quieter.

Minho places both of his hands on Chan’s shoulders and looks him in the eye, so earnest and concerned that it’s really quite unsettling. “Chan-hyung, you did not hurt him, or force him, in any way. He wanted this. He still wants this. I don’t think either of you knew that you would go down that easily, but that’s okay, you’re both learning.”

“I was greedy,” Chan replies, matter-of-fact.

“Even if you were, is that so bad?” Minho says.

“I lost control,” Chan tries.

“Maybe, but it depends on how you look at it, that’s the entire point. If you both agree to do something, and set ground rules,” Minho starts, emphasizing the last few words, “then you both have control. It starts and stops when you want it to. That’s why it’s fun. You can have some fun, hyung. You don’t need to take care of everyone else all the time.”

“I could say that last part right back to you,” Chan states.

“This is a deflection tactic, and I won’t fall for it,” Minho says, sounding just as calm as before. The tips of his ears turn red.

“Okay,” Chan replies in a sing-songy voice, smiling and wagging his finger at Minho until he makes that jokingly horrified face. “Now give me a hug, Minho-yah!” he adds, standing up and opening his arms wide.

“Gross,” Minho replies, his nose scrunching in disgust. His ears turn pinker, and he quickly walks up to Chan and hugs him, rubbing a small circle on his back, before pulling away—all while still making the same face.

“Thank you,” Chan says. “I promise I’ll talk to Felix.”

“Do it, or I’ll hunt you down for sport,” Minho tells him. He walks over to the desk to pick up the glass from earlier, and Chan hears him washing it before he reappears and heads for the door. “Okay!” he shouts cheerfully in English, before heading towards the door. “Bye.” He leaves before there’s a chance to say anything else.

The clock reads 7:57. Chan sighs. He will absolutely talk to Felix about this, clear the air. He will talk to him as soon as possible. Very, very soon.

Just not right now.

-

Chan’s foot aches. Minho tells him not to do the jumps in the choreography, but he insists on doing them anyway, he’ll just land on one foot, no big deal.

Felix looks at them from the other side of the room, worry evident in his expression.

Minho glares at Chan.

Idiot. That’s probably what Minho is thinking, what he wants to say. And Chan wouldn’t blame him, because it’s true.

He still hasn’t talked to Felix. Minho had even tried to give them some room this morning, and Chan lied about needing to finish up a project, just to avoid the conversation. It’s awkward, because they need to interact during rehearsals, and the concert itself, and Chan doesn’t know what he’s going to do for the ending of 'I Like it'—

“Yah! Don’t glare at Channie-hyung that way!” Jisung suddenly says with a pout, poking Minho’s shoulder. “Play nice,” he adds, pretending to scold him.

Minho plays along, dramatically showing the change in his expression to one that proves he’s calmed down. Jisung gives him a smile and a thumbs up before turning back around, continuing to stretch. In an instant, the calm expression Minho had put on changes back to the one from before.

“Come on, it’s time to go out on the stage for soundcheck,” Chan announces, trying to ignore the way that Minho is looking at him.

Everyone follows him, some of the members chatting along the way. They reach some stairs, and Chan grimaces, motioning for everyone to go ahead. He’s last in line, as always, so nobody can see or hear how much pain he’s in when he walks up. On the last step, he startles when he sees Felix waiting there at the top, hidden behind the wall. He looks skeptical, worried.

“Chris, you really should consider–” Felix starts, his voice gentle.

“Don’t tell me what to do, okay?” Chan snaps, not raising his voice, but definitely sounding passive aggressive and unnecessarily confrontational. Internally, he slaps his hand over his mouth and wonders where the fuck that came from. He feels angry with himself, and he hates how Felix takes a step back with wide eyes.

“Okay,” Felix replies, nearly whispering. “I wasn’t trying to–I’m so sorry,” he adds, his voice breaking at the end.

Chan feels like someone stabbed him and twisted the knife. It might sound dramatic, but he genuinely thinks he might have blacked out for a split second, and he hunches over the railing—trying to calm his breathing.

Oh my god, oh my god. That’s all he can think as he realizes that all he’s doing is hurting Felix. Hurting everyone, disappointing everyone. How could he talk to Felix that way, when he was just trying to help? He is making everything so much worse, all because he’s too much of a coward to admit what he wants, to talk about things with his own boyfriend.

“People are starting to be let in for soundcheck,” a voice behind him says. He turns, panicked that someone saw him freaking out. When he sees that it’s Jisung, his heart nearly falls out of his ass. “Oh, are you still not feeling well? I’m sorry, hyung.”

“Everything’s fine, Jisung-ah,” Chan tries to reassure him. He feels dizzy.

“I might be able to help? If there’s anything–”

“Go,” Chan tells him sharply. “I’ll be there in a second.”

“But–”

It’s for the best, and for the worst, that Minho shows up at that moment. “Let’s go, bug. Hey, what’s that look for, hm? Your hyung’s just grumpy, but everything’s okay. I’ll talk to him for a second,” he tells Jisung in the softest voice he’s ever heard from any human in his entire life. Jisung walks away quickly, and Minho walks toward Chan. He looks down at the ground.

“Would you have yelled at him?” Minho asks, and Chan can’t read his tone whatsoever.

“I don’t know,” Chan replies quietly. He has no fight left in him, no anger. He feels numb now, empty.

“I thought so,” Minho says, again–unreadable. “I will give you two more days.”

“Understood,” is all Chan can reply, and then Minho’s gone.

He takes a deep breath, and walks onto the stage.

-

The following day, they all get on a plane and take off for the next stop on the tour. They arrive pretty late, they’re all tired, and Chan immediately heads up to his room to unpack. He feels a little sick to his stomach, a mix of hunger and stress, the familiar feeling of guilt settling into his gut—images of Felix’s scared expression haunting his every thought.

After unpacking and washing up, he lays on the bed and stares at the ceiling. The last time he felt this amount of guilt, related to Felix, was a couple years back, when they were still figuring out what this all meant. Chan knew he was being an asshole back then, mixed signals and nervousness that caused Felix to pull away, reject his playful affections.

“This isn’t funny to me.” Felix had said, his hands shaking at his sides as he spoke. Tears were running down his face, he was crying so hard that his chest was heaving, and Chan remembers being worried that he was going to be sick from how much he was struggling to catch his breath. “If you don’t mean it, please stop, Chan.”

The lack of honorifics is not new at all, all the members are casual with each other at this point, but it was the way Felix chose to say his name that really got him. He never called him that. It was always “Channie,” or “Channie-hyung”, but mostly it was just “Chris”. Nobody else called him that unless they were joking, but Felix always said it as if his name was precious, sacred. Selfishly, he had gotten used to it.

Eventually, they talked about it. They both cried so much, confessed their deepest fears, and agreed to take it slow, to see where it went. It happened naturally. When they visited home and walked around together, still cautious, but feeling more comfortable, they knew they looked like a couple.

That week, on their last day, Chan decided to book Felix a massage, a last minute gift before they needed to go back to Seoul. When Felix left the Bang house for a couple hours to run an errand, Chan called the massage place to make an appointment. He was outside in the backyard with Berry, and at the end of the call, the receptionist clarified who the appointment was for. Without even thinking about it, he answered, “my partner”. After hanging up, he turned around to see Felix had just come back, and overheard the whole thing. Teary eyed, Felix ran into his arms and hugged him so tight he could hardly breathe.

“What is it, little one?” Chan had said, cradling Felix’s head. “What happened?”

Felix had burst into tears. In between hiccups, he explained to Chan that being referred to as his partner made him so happy, and so he was overwhelmed with emotion. Chan cooed at him and kissed the top of his head. “You’ll always be my partner in life, Lix,” he told him.

Chan remembers it now, how happy they both were in that moment, how easy it all felt.

Before he knows it, he’s hyperventilating. It takes a lot of pacing and breathing exercises for him to calm down. He tries to sleep. His dreams aren’t peaceful. In the dream, Felix pushes him away.

Felix tells him he regrets being his partner.

When his alarm goes off, he’s drenched in sweat, and he doesn’t feel rested at all.

-

The next concert goes well, the adrenaline rush making him forget about anything else for a while. That specific feeling of joy always makes Chan remember why he’s doing this, who he’s doing this with.

If he doesn’t fix this soon, his bad dreams might turn into a reality.

On the drive back to the hotel, Chan plans what he’s going to say. When they get there and enter the lobby, he approaches Felix, who is chatting excitedly with Hyunjin and Changbin. Before he can get his attention, Changbin sees him.

“Jinnie-yah, let’s order room service,” he pipes up, grabbing onto his arm.

Hyunjin looks confused for a moment, and they exchange a look. His eyes widen in understanding, and they walk off together, giving the two of them space.

“I need to talk to you,” Chan says quickly. “We need to talk, I mean, I really would like to talk—”

“Okay,” Felix replies. He sounds tired.

“Let’s just go to my room right now,” Chan says, trying his best to sound confident. “I don’t want to put this off any longer.”

Felix whips his head to the side, looking like he’s seen a ghost. “Oh, okay.”

Chan looks at him, concerned. He isn’t sure why his words shocked Felix so much.

When they get to his room, Chan unlocks the door and they step inside, both unsure how to act around each other. Chan hates this, and it’s all his fault. He opens his mouth to speak—

“Are you breaking up with me?” Felix suddenly asks, and Chan can see that he’s trembling.

Chan’s so taken aback by the question that his eyes nearly pop out of his head. “No! Of course not, Lix, what? I would never… why would you think that?”

“I thought I ruined everything,” Felix says, his voice shaking. “I left you, and then I tried to fix it by showing I cared about you, but it was stupid, and you were upset–”

Chan’s planned speech goes out the window. Seeing Felix so upset gives him no choice except to take him into his arms. “You did nothing wrong, Lix, fuck. I promise, this is not your fault at all. I was being a coward, I’m so stupid, I’m so sorry.”

Felix pulls back, confused. “Huh?”

Chan’s heart feels like it’s been stomped on. How could he let it get to this point? Felix is blaming himself, all because he was too much of an idiot to be honest with him.

He can’t stand to see Felix so upset. Even though he’s the reason, he’s greedy—he wants to be the reason Felix feels better again. He’s selfish, and he wants to talk to him like normal, so he does. “Baby, let’s go sit down, yeah? We’ll talk.”

“Okay,” Felix sniffles, and his hands clutch onto Chan’s shirt. He makes no move to stand up and walk to the couch, so Chan picks him up, as gently as possible. “Thank you.”

Chan feels like he’s been punched. He is a terrible person, he must be, because why is Felix acting like this isn’t all Chan’s fault, when it is? He shouldn’t even be willing to hear him out, honestly. Chan fucked up horribly. What does it say about him as a partner if Felix is doubting himself like this? If Felix thinks he has to apologize and thank Chan… oh my god. Chan is taking advantage of him, isn’t he?

“Chris, don’t go,” Felix says, patting Chan’s arm. That stops the spiral in an instant.

“What do you mean? I’m right here,” Chan manages, trying to get comfy on the couch with Felix still practically in his lap. He decides to take matters into his own hands, it seems, because he moves to face Chan, still in his lap. Like a koala, he wraps himself around Chan’s body. “Lix,” he chuckles. “What are you doing, honey?”

“You went somewhere,” Felix says, and Chan is still very confused, but then Felix taps the side of his head with a goofy smirk.

“Ow,” Chan mumbles, not serious at all. “I guess I deserved that. You can do it harder if you want.”

The smirk falls off Felix’s face in a second. “Don’t you dare say that,” he says, his voice dropping to his lower register, tinged with anger around the edges of it. “You do not deserve pain.”

Chan blushes. “Lix, you know I wasn’t being serious. Really, you don’t need to read into it.”

It’s the wrong thing to say, he quickly realizes.

Felix cups his face. “I know you, Chris. I know you use humor as a shield for your self-deprecating tendencies. I know your right hand is jittery from anxiety, because you’re so afraid that you hurt me. I know that you blame yourself, and that it’s probably given you such a bad tension headache that your neck is stiff, that you had to take two painkillers instead of one today.”

Oh! Okay, well.

He knows this is really serious, because there isn’t even one syllable of Korean in Felix’s words. Usually, it’s a constant switching between the two, their conversations consisting of Konglish. He can’t quite explain why, but Chan knows that this being in all English means it’s extremely serious to Felix. Still, being called out is making him squirm. Chan opens his mouth to reply, to defend himself in some way, but Felix covers it with his hand. “It’s not your turn yet,” he… jokes?

Chan isn’t so sure.

“I know that when Minho told you not to do the jumping parts of the choreo, you landed extra hard during District 9 just to punish yourself. Chris, I know why you panicked, and I panicked too. I felt horrible that I left, but I was worried that I would handle it badly. I know the main thing you’re thinking of saying is that this is all on you, that proper consent is so important,” he continues, doing air quotes at the last five words, “and since we didn’t talk about it properly beforehand, you’re beating yourself up over it, wondering if I really wanted it. Am I right?”

Felix stares at him, waiting for his response, before he seems to realize that he’s still covering his mouth. With flushed cheeks and a nervous chuckle, he removes it and gestures at Chan to speak.

Slightly offended that he’s apparently so easy to read, Chan looks to the side, refusing to look Felix in the eye. “Yes,” he mutters.

Felix doesn’t let it slide. He turns Chan’s face towards him by tapping his chin with the tip of his finger. Raising his eyebrows, he says, “I can’t hear you.”

Chan has to make a conscious effort to stop his mouth from falling open. “I said yes.”

Felix hums. “There you go,” he says, teasing. Chan doesn’t know what his face is doing right now, but it makes Felix’s expression soften. “I wanted it, Channie. I want it.”

“Still, I fucked up,” Chan replies.

“We both did. We don’t know what we’re doing, Chris,” Felix adds, chuckling. “It wasn’t a perfect situation, but most situations aren’t, right?”

The way Felix says it is so simple, but it makes Chan realize how true that is. “Right.”

“You can’t control every part of a situation either, but that doesn’t mean me taking care of you is bad. Plus, I’m literally telling you that I want this, that it made me happy. Chris, don’t you want to make me happy?”

“Yes,” Chan replies instantly. “Of course.”

“Then you need to talk to me when something is bothering you. Please don’t avoid me. Whatever happens, we can get through it, right?” Felix asks, and Chan realizes that he needs the reassurance too, that he really is asking.

“Yes,” Chan says, squeezing Felix’s sides before pulling him to his chest. “I won’t be stupid anymore, I promise.”

“Stop calling yourself stupid,” Felix mumbles. He can hear the eye roll.

“Okay. I love you.”

“I love you too, Chris,” Felix replies.

They stay like that for a while, Chan holding Felix in his arms, so tightly that it’s hard to tell where one of them ends and the other one begins—fused together.

After a while, Felix speaks up. “Minho-hyung sent me a worksheet for us both to fill out. We should do it.”

Half asleep and disoriented, Chan hums in confusion. “Worksheet for what?”

“Kinks,” Felix replies simply, as if he just said, “don’t forget the dipping sauce for the pizza!”

“I can’t believe you’re thinking of that right now, where did that even come from?” Chan asks, laughing nervously.

“Chris, don’t be silly. We were just talking about this, we need to be honest and open.”

“Little minx,” Chan mumbles nonchalantly. Felix pinches his arm. “Hey!”

“You love it,” Felix says, smug.

“I do,” Chan admits. “Let’s fill it out tomorrow, yeah? We should wash up and sleep.”

Felix seems to like that, if the way he makes little happy noises and then tries to bite Chan’s shoulder is anything to go by. He stands up and heads for the bathroom, full of energy all of a sudden. “I won’t save any hot water for you, so you better get your ass in here.”

Chan laughs, fond. “Is this where you say we should shower together to save water?”

“Yep!”

-

The thing is, Chan considers himself relatively mature. He is a grown adult after all, the oldest in the group, the leader, and he has always told the members that exploring their sexualities is nothing to be ashamed of. Although, he will admit, he doesn’t always understand them when they mention sexual things. Sometimes, he feels like he’s missing the punchline of a joke that everyone is aware of except him. Maybe joining the company so young sheltered him a bit too much, because there were some moments that he never understood.

In 2020, he caught Jisung jerking off in the studio, and despite being a bit upset at the fact that he could have gotten the area dirty, Chan tried his best to not be awkward about it. In fact, he’s quite proud of how he handled it.

Jisung had been so shocked he nearly fell out of the chair trying to shove his dick back into his pants, which Chan pretended not to see as he stared at the wall. After Jisung calmed down a bit, stuttering out apology after apology, Chan finally spoke up.

“Don’t be embarrassed, Jisung-ah. This is totally normal for guys to do! Not just guys, girls too. And people who aren’t girls and aren’t guys too, of course! The gender binary is a social construct, after all, and it’s a common misconception that only guys masturbate, but it’s just human nature really, haha,” Chan said, totally normal and calm. He realized he’d forgotten to breathe, so he took a big gulp of air and nearly choked on nothing when he did. Changbin, who was standing behind him, snorted. “Sex is so important, not that it has to be, because some people don’t really–”

“Hyung, I’m going to die if you keep talking,” Jisung interrupted, his face as red as a tomato. “I get it, it’s normal. Let’s just move on, please? I promise it won’t happen again,” he whined, his leg bouncing nervously. Chan had opened his mouth, just to agree, but Jisung jumped out of his chair, almost falling again, and ran out into the hallway. “I’ll just go wash my hands, and then we can get started!” He said before turning around. Chan heard him mumble under his breath, “Minho-hyung is going to kill me…”

Chan totally understood that being caught in that type of situation can make someone feel awkward. Even though Chan had attempted to smooth everything over by normalizing it, Jisung had gotten more nervous, the poor guy. “Ah,” Chan hummed sympathetically. Then, he processed the last thing he overheard Jisung say. “Wait, why would Minho-yah get mad at Hannie? He’s not the type of guy to get mad that their significant other masturbates, right?”

Changbin smirked. Chan didn’t know why. “That’s just one of Minho’s rules, don’t worry. Obviously, they both agree on it.”

“Rules?” Chan asked, very confused.

“Yeah, it’s their dynamic,” Changbin explained. Now he was the one who sounded confused, as if he was saying something obvious, until he seemed to realize something. “Wait, hyung, are you saying that you don’t know about their… ways?”

“Of course I know!” Chan said, exasperated. “They’re together, and sexually active.”

Changbin looked to his right, his left, and then fully turned around to check behind him, as if someone else would be there for him to ask, “can you believe this guy?”, but eventually he just sighed and stared at Chan.

“I love you so much, hyung,” Changbin had told him with a huge grin. “When you and Yongbok-ah figure your shit out, I can’t wait for you to realize that he’s kind of a freak.”

“A freak? That seems a bit intense, doesn't it? Kinda rude,” Chan had responded, offended on Felix’s behalf. Sure, Felix has his quirks, but they all do. That’s part of the reason Chan gravitated to them all so naturally, chose them as his family, because they’re all weird, and they all appreciate that about each other. So, he didn’t get why Changbin was describing Felix that way.

“God help me,” Changbin mumbled. “I wasn’t being mean to him, hyung, why would I— aish. I give up.”

They’re on the plane to Mexico now, and Chan giggles to himself at the memory. Jisung was so nervous then, and Changbin was being so weird. Sometimes, although it makes him feel bad to admit it, he thinks he’s the only normal one.

He thinks about it a bit more, and he stops giggling.

Okay, wait. Minho said he had experience with subdrops. That interaction with Jisung in the studio made it seem like Minho was weirdly controlling, but maybe it wasn’t the way he thought? Does that mean that Minho…

He glances at Felix, who’s sitting next to him, playing on his Nintendo Switch. He peeks over the aisle, and sees Minho and Jisung sitting together, naturally. He stares.

Minho must feel the eyes on him, because he turns slowly, making eye contact with Chan. “Do you need something?” Minho shouts, which is super unnecessary and disruptive. Everyone, except for Hyunjin, who has noise cancelling headphones on while he sleeps, startles at the volume.

“Hyung!” Jisung whines.

“Yes, jagi?” Minho says, much quieter, sweeter.

“Please stop that immediately,” Seungmin says. Jeongin, half asleep and resting on his shoulder, mumbles something, and Seungmin cups his hand over his ear. “Yes, he is mean. Hyung will take care of it.”

Minho bursts into maniacal laughter, throwing his head back. “Ah,” he exhales once he’s done. “Are you trying to show Iyennie how big and strong you are, that you’re a good provider? He said, hyung will take care of it–” Minho starts laughing again, and Jisung slaps his thigh.

Seungmin’s face flushes. “Shut up. You’re one to talk, referring to yourself in third person all the time when you’re being protective of Jisung.”

Despite Minho’s ears turning pink, he bites back. “Aw, so you’re learning from me? Do you want me to teach you anything else, Kim Seungmin-ssi?”

Still thinking about what happened years ago, Chan interrupts, gesturing to Minho and Jisung. “So, is this a… sex… dynamic?”

“I cannot believe I just had to hear those words,” Changbin says with a sigh. “Let me look at Hyunjinnie’s lips to heal my soul.”

Felix takes out one of his earbuds and looks around, face scrunched cutely in confusion. “What’d I miss?”

“Your boyfriend is having some type of sexual awakening,” Jisung explains kindly. “Semi-publicly.”

Minho’s eyes widen, and he turns to face him. “How’d you get all that just from–”

“So I’m right?” Jisung says, smirking. “I thought so.”

Felix giggles. “Be nice to Channie!”

Chan thinks he might explode. He throws his arms up in defeat. “Guys.”

Felix reaches over to squeeze his hand. “It might not seem like it, but they want you to know that we’re all here for you, Channie-hyung.”

Minho screeches in response. It’s possible he’s trying to convey his agreement. Jisung covers his ears with a whine.

Felix rolls his eyes and smacks his forehead. “Not helpful, hyung.”

“Don’t be a prude, Chan-hyung,” Jeongin joins in, suddenly awake now. “Trust me, I get being confused about certain things. You know I couldn’t read the room for a while. But I asked questions, and as stupid as they can all be sometimes, nobody’s going to be rude about it.”

“Ah, haeng-nim, always so wise,” Chan replies with an exaggerated Busan dialect. Jeongin waves him off with an eye roll.

“Let’s talk more later, okay?” Minho suggests. “I’ll explain more.”

Chan turns to Felix, who is smiling so warmly that there is no doubt in his mind that he’s the sun personified. He nods in encouragement. Chan looks around for a moment, reminding himself that there’s nothing to worry about. This is just a part of life, and there’s nothing weird or shameful about it. He is safe here, with them. “Yeah,” he says, feeling like a weight has been taken off his shoulders. “Okay.”

-

Minho does talk to him later that day, and he talks a lot —maybe more than necessary. Chan is grateful for it though, because he finally learns the true definitions of words he’s seen on social media, some of them he ignored, some of them he tried to investigate but never fully understood, and some he purposefully avoided, because he was scared of the feelings it would bring to the surface. His desires, his feelings. His greed.

Minho isn’t completely serious by any means, that’s something that’s nearly impossible for him, but Chan knows that he’s trying his best to make it lighthearted while still being informative.

Chan asks questions, and Minho doesn’t make fun of him. He explains with some…personal examples, in some instances, and Chan wishes he could say they didn’t make him squirm in his seat. He wishes he could say it was from being uncomfortable.

He trusts Minho. He always has, but this is different, this is a new type of vulnerability that he never would have imagined letting anyone see. Minho is kind. He’s patient.

Chan listens. He fills out the worksheet and sends it to Felix.

Not even two minutes later, he gets one back.

He can feel his face heating up as he reads the areas they match well in—praise, degradation, and possessiveness being the main ones that stand out, it’s a good starting point. The other ones fluster him too much to try yet, punishments, bondage, and orgasm control being just a few examples. He knows what orgasm control is now, thanks to Minho.

(“When Hannie said you’d be mad at him for getting off in the studio…”

“He isn’t allowed to come without my permission. Sometimes, I don’t let him orgasm for a week, so he gets all needy. He’s tried to break the rules a few times. Brat.”

“What happened that day then, when you found out?”

“Hm, I think that’s just for the two of us to know. I don’t say that to be mysterious, I just think I might get so hard that I’ll—”

“Yeah! Okay, got it.”)

Chan responds to Felix’s text, asking if he wants to stay in his room tonight.

Felix reacts with heart and fire emojis, and then follows up by saying that he already planned to do so anyway.

Chan realizes that he can’t wait. He’s so pent up, and he wants to touch Felix, to be touched by him, so badly that he’s about to jump out of his skin.

“I think that’s enough for tonight, uh, Lix is coming over to–” Chan starts, fumbling over his words.

“Fuck you into next week?” Minho tries.

Chan trips over his own feet. “He is not, that’s not–”

“Okay,” Minho says with a smirk. “Have fun, stay safe, bye.”

When Minho closes the door, Chan panics a little. Okay, so there is one thing they didn’t really discuss. Chan showered, obviously, and he is very hygienic, but he does wonder if Felix wants to fuck him. He is not opposed, definitely not, but that’s a lot of change at once, you know?

So, that’s exactly what he blurts out as soon as Felix steps into the room.

“Chris,” Felix interrupts, a smile tugging at his lips. “You’re right, that’s a lot. We’re already trying something new, and I don’t want either of us to get too overwhelmed. Even if you’re inside me, I can tell you what to do, no?”

“Haha.”

Felix takes Chan’s hands into his own. “Unfortunately, I can’t read your mind. I need you to tell me that this is what you want, that you’re okay with this.”

Chan takes a deep breath. “I want this. Sorry, I’m just being stupid, it’s not good that I’m so nervous, probably. I promise I want to do this, I’m just being weird. Yes, we can do that.”

“Okay,” Felix says softly, looking him over from top to bottom. When his eyes land back on his face, he has a mischievous smirk. “Take off all your clothes.”

Chan nods, rushing to do just that, almost falling on his face when one of his pant legs gets stuck, and then he steps on it with his other foot, and—

“Channie, breathe. There’s no rush,” Felix tells him, placing a hand on his back. Chan thinks that maybe he’s shaking, vibrating—out of excitement and a desire to please, a desire to be good. “Here, baby, I’ll help.”

Chan moans.

Felix lifts an eyebrow. “Do you like when I use petnames on you, Chris?”

“Yes, yes, you usually don’t, which is totally fine, uh, that’s not to pressure you into saying them or anything! But I like them, yeah,” Chan replies, breathless. “Sorry.”

Felix frowns a little, and Chan worries that he’s not doing this right. He’s making it too weird. He’s not good at this.

“If this is too much, tell me,” Felix starts, placing a hand on Chan’s cheek, caressing it. “But I want to try something. Anytime you apologize or insult yourself tonight, you’ll get a punishment. I know, we’re not doing any intense punishments yet, don’t worry, it’s not that. The punishment is that you need to compliment yourself,” he explains.

Whatever physical punishment Chan was thinking of, it’s better, easier, than this. That’s definitely a punishment, but also, Chan can just make sure he doesn’t do those things. Then, no punishment. Simple.

“Okay, we can do that,” Chan agrees. “I’m fine with it.”

Felix smiles. “Alright. Just tell me if you change your mind, okay? I’m not going to introduce anything else new, so don’t worry. Come here,” he says, gesturing for him to come closer.

Chan walks a few steps forward, and Felix kisses him. One hand stays on the small of his back, the other on the back of his head, as if he’s fragile, handling him with care. It quickly makes everything feel hazy. He slips his tongue into Felix’s mouth, hungry for more, desperate to taste him. Felix moves his hands down his body, lifting his shirt up over his head and discarding it. His boxers are next, and soon enough it hits Chan, he’s fully naked, and Felix is still dressed. He pulls back from the kissing to ponder this, tilting his head.

Felix giggles. “Yeah, I know.” He undresses quickly, and his clothes join the pile on the floor.

Chan will never get over how beautiful Felix is.

His arms, for one, are deceiving. His deadlifts make them strong, and even though they’re small, they’re defined. His abs are chiseled, his thighs are soft, every inch of Felix is perfect.

Chan knows that he is physically stronger than Felix, at the end of the day. Last year, when they were play fighting during filming, the smallest push from Chan made Felix lose his balance. Still, that’s when Chan is at his full strength. Right now, Chan doesn’t feel like that same person. He doesn’t feel strong. If he tried to push Felix right now, he’d probably fall flat on his face.

Right now, Chan feels weak. Like his knees are about to give out, his body so relaxed that he’ll sink down to the floor any second, like he’s about to fall. Felix doesn’t let him.

They make it to the bed, and Chan feels like all the air has been knocked out of his lungs at the sight of Felix straddling him, pushing his bangs out of his face with a sly smile. Chan stares at the freckles on his cheeks. He puts his hands on Felix’s hips, and whines.

“Fuck,” Felix groans. “Chris, you’re so handsome. I can’t believe it. How are you real?”

Words aren’t coming easily to him right now, his thoughts syrupy slow, his mind settling into a floaty headspace. For just a moment, it scares him a little. He whines, distressed.

“Hey, you okay?” Felix asks, rubbing his arm. He leans in closer, and his mouth falls open. “Oh, you… already?” Chan whines again, bucking his hips. “Shh, it’s okay, Channie. I got you. You don’t need to worry about a thing.”

Chan hums, pleased. His grip tightens on Felix’s sides, asking for more. When it doesn’t seem to work, he finally speaks up. “More, please.”

“Patience, honey,” Felix coos. “I opened myself up in the shower, but I still need the lube, yeah? Will you be a good boy and grab it? It’s right there, on the nightstand.”

“Yes, ‘m good,” Chan promises, turning his head to check before reaching his arm out to grab the bottle. “I got it, see? ‘M good.”

“God, you—yes. You’re so good, Channie. My Channie, always taking care of me, doing what I ask, hm?” Felix asks as he rubs the lube between his fingers to warm it up, before slicking up Chan’s cock and working him to full hardness. He lifts his hips up, and Chan realizes that he’s wearing a butt plug, a sight that makes his eyes roll back into his head. “See how ready I am to ride your big cock?”

Chan nods. “Mhm.” He tries not to thrust into Felix, letting him set the pace. When he sinks down onto his cock, Felix throws his head back, and Chan can’t resist leaning forward to kiss his neck. Felix moans, holding onto Chan’s back, rocking his hips a little to adjust. 

“Feels so good Channie, I love your cock,” he says, starting to ride him properly. “You’re the best I’ve ever had, you know? The best at fucking me,” Felix adds.

“Lix,” Chan whimpers. His stamina is usually pretty good, he always makes Felix come first, but he has the horrifying realization that things are very different this time. His stomach tightens, the arousal already spreading across his body, threatening to overtake him. “Sorry, ‘m sorry but—gonna—“

Felix’s hips stop moving, and Chan whines in confusion. There’s a pause before he speaks. “What’d you say?”

“That I’m sorry?” Chan replies, not understanding what’s going on.

Felix clicks his tongue in discontentment. “I thought so,” he says, starting to move his hips again. “Didn’t we talk about this, Channie?”

Then, he remembers. “Oh. Oh, but wait—“

“If you seriously don’t want to do it, tell me right now, and pinch me anytime, if it’s too much.” Chan doesn’t say anything. “Okay. You’re going to repeat after me then, yeah?” Chan nods. Felix adjusts so that he can pull him even closer, and kisses his forehead. “Say, I did nothing wrong.”

Chan whimpers, feeling tears spring to his eyes. “Lix—“

“I did nothing wrong,” Felix says again, firmer this time. “You want to be good right, Channie? C’mon, say it for me.”

“Yes! I’m good, I’m good, I… I did nothing wrong,” Chan replies, frazzled. Felix starts bouncing on his cock, and he momentarily worries that the headboard is going to slam against the wall. When his pace falters, a brief flash of concern pops into Chan’s mind. He doesn’t want Felix to strain himself, especially with his back. “Felix, please, let me? I can—”

He seems to understand what Chan’s trying to say, and his body relaxes a little. “Yeah, go ahead, baby.” Chan starts fucking him properly, and Felix curses under his breath. “Good boy,” he praises. “Now, say, I did a good job today.”

Chan’s orgasm is building fast, way too fast. “Lix, I’m close—“

“Then say it, Channie,” Felix encourages.

“I did… a good job today,” he says, quietly.

“Say it like you mean it, Chris,” Felix says, before kissing his forehead again. “I love you so much, baby. I want you to come inside, but I need you to do this for me, okay?”

“I did a good job today,” Chan cries out, scrambling to pull him closer, to fuck him harder. A tear falls down his cheek. “Felix. Felix.”

“You’re okay, honey. You said it perfectly,” Felix reassures him. “Be a good boy and come for me.”

He does. It’s the strongest orgasm he’s ever had, and it’s with Felix’s name on his lips, the feeling of their bodies pressed together, and soft praises directed at him—it’s all too much, in the best way.

“I love you,” Chan manages, as Felix rubs his back, moving to get off his lap. “Thank you.”

Felix hums. “I love you too, Channie.”

His mind is still full of static, void of any anxieties or fears. He lets himself rest, right here, in Felix’s arms. He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but his senses start to slowly return to him. That’s when he feels it.

Felix is still hard.

Chan blinks. “Wait, you didn’t finish?”

“Ah, it’s okay though,” Felix replies, looking a little flustered. “I really don’t mind. This was about you.”

Hm. No. Chan isn’t going to let that happen.

“I want to make you feel good,” Chan tells him. “Please, let me use my mouth.”

Felix bites his lip. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, you can tell me how, tell me what you want, I just—“

“Eat me out, Channie,” Felix interrupts. “Can you do that?”

Chan nods enthusiastically. He looks around the bed, trying to figure out which position would work, but his mind still isn’t working at maximum efficiency yet. “Um.”

“Here, let me just…” Felix trails off, moving his body sideways so there’s room for Chan to get settled. He puts a pillow underneath his back, and spreads his legs.

Chan practically jumps over, putting his arms underneath his thighs to pull him closer, as he starts to kiss his thighs. He grazes his teeth over the plush skin, and Felix groans. “I love you. I love you,” Chan says, because it’s truly all that’s on his mind right now.

“I love you too, Channie— oh! Fuck, yes,” Felix moans, his voice getting higher at the end when Chan licks his hole, uncaring that he can taste his own release. Felix whimpers, then bites down on his lip, and Chan quickly realizes why.

“Wanna hear you, no matter what,” Chan says, hoping that his point will get across. Felix’s range is no joke, and the same is true in bed. From deep grunts to high-pitched whimpers, anything can happen with Felix, usually depending on the activity. When Chan eats him out, his voice always gets higher like this. For some reason, this was a insecurity of his when they got together. Chan can’t imagine why. One whimper and Chan can already feel his cock stirring with interest, refractory period be damned. “Love your voice, Lix,”  he reminds him.

“Okay,” Felix says, sounding a little choked up. Chan kisses his thigh, and then gets back to work, sucking on his rim. Luckily, Felix seems to not be holding back anymore after Chan’s reminder, whining unabashedly. “So good, it’s so good!”

Now it’s Chan’s turn to moan, the fuzziness in his head returning as the praise—and probably a slight lack of oxygen from being mildly suffocated by Felix’s thighs but hey, what a way to go—makes him grind against the mattress. “ Mmmf,”   he moans again, louder, trying to convey to Felix just how much he enjoys this. Not that he doesn’t know already, but Chan will tell him every chance he gets. After all, is there anything better than being in between your lover’s thighs?

“I’m so close, Channie,” Felix moans, circling his hips a little for even more friction.

Chan knows Felix’s body well. He knows what he likes, what he needs to push him over the edge. That’s why Chan decides to move one of his hands to cup Felix’s balls, squeezing them just enough, to make him come.

Felix gasps, the muscles of his stomach clenching, his hole fluttering against Chan’s tongue, as he spills onto his stomach. Chan licks him softly towards the end of it, and rubs a soothing circle on his hip bone.

“Shit, that was—baby, come here,” Felix says, his voice all raspy now. Chan is up in an instant, scooting closer. Felix notices that he’s hard again, and smirks. “Want some help?” 

Chan looks down at the bed, wanting to ask for something but still feeling a little embarrassed about it. Felix picks up on it, tugging him closer and kissing the top of his head. “Tell me what you want, Channie. Whatever it is, I’ll do it. You’ve been so good tonight.”

Chan lifts his head, making eye contact with Felix, melting at the fondness evident in his expression. “I know it’s weird but I just, uh, want you to…” Felix nods at him to continue. “I’d like it if you… like, rubbed my stomach? While I, you know, finish? And maybe you can still talk a little,” he says, the last part rushed.

Felix smiles. “It’s not weird to me. I’d love that, Channie.”

Chan beams. “Really?”

“Yeah,” Felix tells him with a nod. “Lay down, babe.”

Chan does, and Felix gives him one more kiss on the forehead—something he’s realizing makes him feel super floaty, his eyes flutter shut every time, and his mouth goes slack—before kissing his neck, and then his chest. He kisses his belly button, and Chan whines. Finally, Felix places his hand on his lower belly, gently rubbing it, and then kisses it.

“So pretty, Channie. You work so hard,” Felix praises. “I love touching you here. You’re beautiful.”

Chan thinks he’s going to cry again, he can feel the tears coming. Before he can do anything about it, Felix moves his head further down, and takes Chan’s cock into his mouth.

Chan gasps, clutching onto the bed sheets, not expecting that. Felix is truly a master at this, taking him all the way without gagging, doing this absolutely insane thing with his tongue that drives Chan wild—nobody can blame him for the fact that it only takes a few minutes for him to come again. It’s rare that he comes multiple times in one night, so it’s a strange feeling afterwards, a unique type of overwhelmedness. The physical aspect, combined with how happy and emotional he feels, makes him start sobbing.

Felix is by his side in an instant, kissing his face. “Oh, baby. Hang on, I’ll grab a blanket,” he says, quickly running to the other side of the room to grab it, and then wrapping it around Chan. “I’m right here, Chris.”

“They’re happy tears, I promise,” Chan blubbers, knowing that he must sound and look like a mess right now.

Felix reaches over to the nightstand, grabbing some tissues, gently wiping the snot and tears off Chan’s face. He tosses them in the trash, and then snuggles up next to Chan, rubbing his arms. “I’m glad, Channie.”

“Still, I don’t mean to worry you, I know I probably cry too much,” Chan tries to explain, feeling bad about his outburst.

Felix sighs. “Channie, love, you don’t need to justify your feelings. You don’t need to explain yourself. Just let yourself be. You’re here with me right now, and I’m not judging you for anything. It’s okay.”

“Yeah. Okay, Lix,” Chan replies, focusing on how good it feels to be in Felix’s arms, instead of heading towards another spiral. 

“Also, I cry even more than you do, silly,” Felix teases. “That would be ridiculous if I thought you cried too much.”

“Yeah, haha,” Chan mumbles. “I guess it’s just, I don’t know. People have said that. That I’m dramatic and stuff.” He feels Felix’s body stiffen, and the hand rubbing him pauses. “Sorry, I shouldn’t talk about that right now.”

“It’s okay,” Felix reassures him. He sighs in frustration. “Those people have no idea what they’re talking about, or what kind of person you are, Chris, okay? They don’t know you, and they should really just shut the fuck up,” he grumbles. “Just, know that we love you, okay?”

“We?” Chan asks.

Felix perks up, reaching over to the nightstand again. “Yes, that reminds me actually,” he says, unlocking his phone. “We recorded this for you.”

Chan sits up, curious. “Hm? Who—“

“Channie-hyung!” A voice shouts through the speaker, instantly recognizable as Changbin’s. “Listen to this, okay? Come here, guys.”

There’s some shuffling, as if the phone is being passed around, and then Jeongin speaks. “Thank you, Chan-hyung. We love you,” he says, but it’s earnest, with no hint of a joke in his tone. “You always take care of me at the dorm, even when I sleep through my alarm, you warm up breakfast for me. I really appreciate it, so… yeah.”

The next voice pops in. “Hyung. When you compliment my singing, I don’t run away because you’re annoying me. It’s because it makes me… really happy. I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you,” Seungmin says.

Then, it’s Jisung’s turn. “Hyung-ah, you already know, don’t you? Still, I’ll tell you a million times. I’m so glad that I met you. You… you’ve helped me through a lot. I don’t know where I’d be without you. I love you.”

More shuffling, and then Hyunjin starts, with a nostalgic sigh. “Ah, hyung. Hannie saying that made me realize, I feel the same way. It was really hard for me, for us, back then, but you… you helped us through it all. You shouldered that burden. There were so many nights when I stayed up just thinking, wondering what I did wrong, what we did wrong. You’d listen and hold me as I cried. It made me wonder, what did I do to deserve this love? All of us, we wonder, how could we have gotten so lucky, to have a perfect leader? Chan-hyung, we are so lucky. Thank you.” He sniffles at the end, and then passes the phone to…

Minho. “Hello. This is Lee Know.” There is an audible smack in the background, as if someone just told him to be serious. He chuckles. “Hyung. There’s… a lot I wish I could say, but it’s hard for me. I’ll say this. That time, during that… show… you know what I mean, right? I didn’t want to cry in front of my dongsaengs but, you’re my hyung, and you hugged me, remember? I liked it. At that moment, it felt like it was okay to cry. Okay. I’ll buy you a meal. Thank you.”

The phone goes back to Changbin then, who mumbles something inaudible before whatever was blocking the speaker moves. “It’s strange for us to be so serious, right? For you and me, especially, but this is important. We need you to know how much you mean to us. If we don’t say it enough, directly like this, we’re sorry. We’ve had some rough days. There were a lot of uncertain times, right? You let us lean on you for support, and all we ask is that you lean on us sometimes too. Stray Kids is nothing without you. We love you, okay? Thank you, hyung. Felix will talk to you now, bye bye.”

The recording ends with a beep, and it takes Chan a few moments to realize that he’s sobbing, that Felix is holding him tight again. It’s an overwhelming feeling of love, of gratitude. It’s something he can’t even put into words. He doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve this.

Felix seems to be able to read his mind, and answers for him. “You deserve the world, Channie. Don’t ever let anyone make you feel different. We love you. I love you. I know we were all meant to find each other, and I know that you’re my soulmate. Fated from birth, yeah?” Chan can’t even speak, let alone nod, he just keeps crying. “It’s a lot, I know. We can stay like this for a bit, and then shower, okay?”

“Okay,” Chan tries, but it’s muffled, so he doesn’t even know if Felix hears it. He seems to get the message, adjusting the blanket so it’s wrapped around both of them, and then rubbing his back again.

Chan can’t even think. He doesn’t know how he could possibly respond to this. How will he express his gratitude?

And then, he realizes that he doesn’t have to.

He doesn’t need to come up with a grand response. That wasn’t the point. This wasn’t meant to be an exchange, because Chan has been giving for a long time, and he loves that, it’s who he is—but in this moment, he thinks that maybe he’s meant to take a little. He can be greedy about this. He thinks that, maybe, they wanted him to be.

He is appreciated. He is loved. Sometimes, the world is too loud, it moves too fast—and Chan forgets that. He gets so caught up in his spirals, in his catastrophizing, that he needs a reminder sometimes. The members picked up on that. They knew he needed this, and they wanted to give him what he needed. They love him.

The rest of the night is a bit of a blur. They shower, get under the covers, and cuddle some more. Chan barely talks at all, and Felix happily accepts that. They fall asleep tangled together.

Chan doesn’t have any bad dreams. He sleeps, soundly.

-

At their last show in Latin America, the crowd is electric. It’s something special, and it makes them all feel emotional.

Chan is the happiest he’s been in weeks, months, maybe even years. He feels loved. He feels wanted, needed. He feels safe.

During I Like It, Chan lets himself be greedy. 

He wraps a hand around Felix’s waist, waiting for the perfect moment when the camera turns back to them. When it does, he kisses him on the cheek, hard. It’s a little dangerous, a little too obvious. Felix accepts his greed, he welcomes it. He smiles, as if he’s won the lottery.

He’s mine, Chan wants to announce. He wants to scream it from the rooftops, for everyone to hear.

He knows that isn’t possible right now, but that’s okay.

For now, he has this. Secret moments that aren’t so secret. Holding hands. A pat on the back.

A kiss on the cheek.

It’s nothing too crazy, but to them—it’s everything.

Chan knows that he needs to be careful, that they have higher ups to report to. But right now, he doesn’t care at all, because he’s happy. His happiness, his life, is on this stage with him.

And he wants to share that, in his own way. So, he does.

The spotlight goes out, and he holds onto Felix’s hand. Is it greed, or is it just love?

Either way, Chan realizes that he’s accepted it. Whatever it is, it’s for them. He’ll share little snippets, drop some hints, but at the end of the day—there are some things that are just meant for them.