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“I'm not giving up”
Fernando took a deep breath before he got out of the car, his words from yesterday repeating over and over again inside his head as he waited in line to get weighed.
“I'm not giving up”
He scoffed to himself, shaking his head. He was starting to think that it was not worth it anymore, that he should stop fighting the inevitable and leave, give up his dream of a third championship, of just one more win and go somewhere else where he could actually enjoy getting behind the wheel every weekend instead of spending two hours wishing the race would end already. Aston Martin wasn't getting any better, and he wasn't getting any younger, and as much as he wanted to be optimistic about 2026 and finally getting to work with Adrian Newey, Fernando couldn't help but think about 2015, and how Honda made him waste three years of his career fighting at the back of the grid, that was if he could even finish a race in the first place, and Fernando wasn't sure if he could go through that again even if it was just for a year.
Fernando sighed, going through all the post race procedures almost automatically, his body knowing where to take him after some many years of repeating the same thing Sunday after Sunday. Get weighted. Find Edo. Go back to the garage. Talk to the press. Debrief with the team. Always the same.
He didn't even remember what he said in the media pen, and if he was being honest, he didn't care anymore. He also didn't remember much of the debrief with the team. They had no pace. The car was terrible. Simple as that.
Once he was done with all his commitments, Fernando let out a breath. He couldn't wait to go back to the hotel and just lie down on the bed and forget, even if it was just for a few hours, that he was, once again, stuck at the back of the grid.
The drive to the hotel was spent in silence. He had let Edo drive, something he never did, but he was tired and the idea of getting behind a wheel again, even if it was just a normal road car, made his head hurt.
He spent the elevator ride thinking about getting in the shower, or maybe even running himself a nice bath so he could relax before ordering some room service. Fernando was too busy thinking about what he felt like eating, that he didn't notice the noises coming from inside his room when he opened the door or the fact that the lights were on, so it wasn't until he walked into the bedroom that Fernando realized he wasn't alone, getting startled when he saw there someone else standing in the middle of his room.
“Joder, Mark!” Fernando exclaimed, one of his hands going to his chest. “How the fuck did you get into my room?” He asked, frowning as he looked at the Aussie walk closer to him.
“I charmed the girl at the reception obviously,” Mark shrugged, laughing when Fernando hit him in the shoulder, the corner of his lips raising slightly.
“What are you doing here?” Fernando asked softly, his voice not higher than a whisper now that Mark was so close. He was sure the Aussie had more important things to do right now than being here with him, like go celebrate Oscar's win with the boy for example.
“I thought you would like the company,” Mark said, voice as soft as Fernando’s. He raised his hand, hesitating for a second before he cupped Fernando’s cheek, who let out a breath as he leaned into the touch, eyes closed. “I also wanted to check on you, you know? Make surely you're okay after, well, after everything , the start of the season hasn't been the be-”
Mark was interrupted by Fernando scoffing and pulling away from him, looking up at him with a frown before he shook his head, walking past Mark to go to the bed. “You can leave then, I don't need your pity ”
“What?” Mark turned around to look at Fernando as the Spaniard was looking for something in his suitcase. “You really think that's why I'm here? Because I pity you?”
Fernando shrugged, not looking up at Mark. He really didn't need anything from his suitcase, but he needed an excuse to not have to look at Mark right now.
“Fonz-” Mark said, walking closer to Fernando again, but the Spaniard just shook his head.
“No, don't Fonz me,” Fernando said, throwing the shirt he had in his hand into the suitcase again before he looked up at Mark again. “The only reason you're here is because you feel sorry for me, because my car is shit and nothing ever seems to go my way and no matter what I do things always end the same, and I am so fucking tired and I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this,” Fernando knew he had strayed from the main topic that was the reason why Mark was there, but he couldn't help it, he needed to get it out somehow, and even after all these years Mark still made him feel like spilling his guts to him even if he didn't want to.
“Okay, you need to breathe, mate,” Mark said softly, ignoring Fernando’s words for now and taking a step closer to him, raising his hand up to the back of Fernando’s neck, giving it a soft squeeze.
Fernando closed his head, his head falling forward into Mark’s chest as he closed his eyes, trying to focus on Mark’s breathing, the Aussie exaggerating it a little bit so Fernando could follow it.
They spent a few minutes like that, their breathing the only sound that could be heard in the room.
“I care,” Mark whispered against Fernando's hair, his hand that had been on the Spaniard’s neck having moved to bury itself in his hair. “I am here because I care about you, and because doesn't matter how hard you try to put on a brave face for the whole world to see, you can't fool me , and I worry”
Fernando let out a shaky breath, taking a step closer to Mark and wrapping his arms around his waist, burying his face in his chest as his body visibly relaxed against the Aussie’s.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Mark asked, knowing what Fernando’s answer was going to be before the words had even left his mouth, so he wasn't surprised when Fernando just shook his head. “Okay,” Mark sighed softly. “What about a bath, uh? Do you want me to prepare you one?”
Fernando nodded this time, taking a step back from Mark to be able to look up at him. “That would be nice,” He mumbled, and Mark nodded.
“You wait here while I prepare it, yeah? I’ll try to be fast,” Mark kissed Fernando’s forehead before he could think twice. He and Fernando weren't like that anymore, and even though he was sure that's where things were heading again, but they still hadn't talked about it, about them , so for a second Mark thought about apologizing, but he stopped himself when he heard Fernando hum before going to lay down on the bed, not saying anything about the kiss, not even to tease him, and Mark couldn't help but smile softly to himself before he went into the bathroom to start running the bath.
It didn't take Mark long to get the bath ready, and when he told Fernando and the Spaniard walked into the bathroom, Mark thought about leaving, he didn't have any business staying there anymore after all, but when he started to walk out of the bathroom, a hand grabbing his wrist stopped.
“Wait,” Fernando said, and when Mark turned around he was looking up at him, his bottom lip between his teeth. “Stay?”
Fernando’s question took Mark by surprise, his eyes widened for a moment as he looked at him.
“Or you could leave if you want,” Fernando muttered when Mark took too long to answer, letting go of the Aussie’s wrist and turning his back to him, busying himself with the towel Mark had put on the sink so he didn't have to look at him. “I don't care”
Mark rolled his eyes, taking a step closer to Fernando so he was standing behind him. He knew the last part was a lie. Mark had learned over the years that Fernando hated being left alone with his thoughts after a bad race, but he had also learned that Fernando would never admit that out loud to anyone, not even Mark, in fear he might seem weak. That's why Mark had been surprised when Fernando had asked him to stay.
“I want to stay,” Mark said softly, wrapping his arm around Fernando’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. “I just wasn't expecting you to ask me to, that's all, but I would love to stay, Fonz”
Fernando let out a sigh, leaning back against Mark’s chest. “I don't want to be alone right now,” He muttered.
Mark tightened his hold on Fernando slightly, pulling him closer to his chest. “I know, but you won't, yeah? I'm here”
Fernando nodded, humming softly. “We should get in the bath before the water gets too cold”
Mark chuckled, shaking his head and leaving a small kiss on Fernando's shoulder before he straightened up. “Can’t wait to get me naked, uh?”
Fernando rolled his eyes, huffing as he pushed Mark away softly, but he had a smile on his face, a small but genuine smile, and Mark couldn't help the one forming on his lips.
Mark was the first one to get into the bathtub, Fernando following him and sitting between his legs, leaning back against Mark’s chest with a sigh.
“Nice?” Mark asked, wrapping his arm around Fernando’s middle before burying his face in the Spaniard's neck, smiling to himself when Fernando hummed, relaxing more against him.
They stayed like that for a few minutes, just enjoying the warmth of not only the water but also each other’s bodies. Mark had to admit he had missed having Fernando in his arms like this, and he was hoping he didn't have to wait so long again to have the Spaniard like this after tonight.
“I miss you, you know?” Mark said, pulling back from Fernando’s neck so he could look at his face instead.
“We see each other all the time”
“I know, I didn't mean it like that,” Mark chuckled softly. “I miss you , I miss this , I miss us ,” He said softly, his eyes never leaving Fernando’s face as the Spaniard kept looking straight ahead.
A soft smile slowly formed on Fernando’s lips, and he didn't say anything, but he didn't need to, Mark knew Fernando missed this too, that he also missed what they used to have, and the hand sneaking into his underwater to intertwine their fingers together was all the proof Mark needed of that.
It had been a while since Fernando had been able to relax like this. The past few weeks have taken its toll on him, not only physically but also mentally, but having Mark with him, one of his hands softly caressing his stomach while the other squeeze his hand, not only helped him relax but also made his negative thoughts quiet, which was what he needed most now, and Fernando wished they had gone back to this sooner instead of just dancing around each other for a year and a half like idiots.
“Let me wash you?” Mark’s words were mumbled against his shoulder and Fernando found himself nodding.
Mark didn't rush, making sure to take his time running the washcloth over every inch of his body, his touch gentle as spent a bit more time in his neck and back, slowly massaging those areas as well, making Fernando smile. He had missed the intimacy that came with letting Mark wash him, take care of him .
Once he was done, Mark put the washcloth to the side and went back to burying his face on Fernando’s neck, taking a deep breath while pulling the Spaniard close to his chest again, and Fernando just hummed, getting comfortable against Mark again.
“We should think about getting out soon,” Mark mumbled. “The water is starting to get cold”
Fernando nodded, a small shiver running down his spine as his body agreed with Mark’s words. He got out of the shower first, offering Mark a hand to help him get out as well.
When they were both out, Fernando quickly grabbed a towel, wrapping it around his waist, a small shiver running down Fernando’s spine as the cold started to set in, and Mark chuckled softly.
“Want me to go get you some clothes while you dry yourself off?”
“Please”
He chuckled again, shaking his head, grabbing a towel himself to wrap around his waist before he started to walk towards the door, but before he could step out of room, a hand wrapped around his wrist and he was being pulled back in and before he knew it, Fernando’s lips were on his, soft and gentle as the Spaniard’s hand moved to cup his jaw. Mark hummed, closing his eyes as he kissed Fernando back, his hand going to the Spaniard's hips to pull him closer.
The kiss was slow, tentative at first as if they hadn't done this a thousand times before, and after so long it kind of felt like it. Mark ran his tongue over Fernando's bottom lip, asking for permission, and Fernando didn't take long to give it to him, opening his mouth to let Mark’s tongue slide into his mouth, their tongues dancing together with the familiarity of someone that had done that before.
Mark was the one to break the kiss after a few seconds to breathe, and he felt like he had just run a marathon, his chest rising and falling with his labored breaths, his heart beating on his chest like it was about to burst out, but that wasn't new, Fernando had always made him feel like this after all.
“What was that for?”
“I don't know, I just wanted to kiss you,” Fernando just shrugged, and Mark couldn't help but laugh.
Fernando sounded so nonchalant , like kissing Mark was normal, and the Aussie guessed it was in a way, because they might have spent the last almost five years apart but before that they had spent almost ten together.
“So we are kissing now,” Mark said, and Fernando nodded, like it was that simple, and to be honest it had always been with Fernando. “Got it,” He nodded, smiling down at Fernando, who was already smiling up at him.
They both knew they needed to have a proper conversation about this, that even if things were just that simple between them, they still needed to talk, but that was a conversation for another day. For now, Mark was going to get Fernando’s clothes as well as steal some for himself so they could get dressed before they could go lay down on the bed together.
“Fonz,” Mark broke the silence that had settled between them, the sound of the TV being the only thing that could be heard in the room. When Fernando didn't say anything, just humming instead, Mark took it as a sign to keep talking. “I think we should talk about what you said earlier”
Fernando frowned, turning around from the TV to look at him with a confused expression on his face.
“You said you were tired, that you didn't know if you could keep doing this,” Mark said, his eyes moving over Fernando's face to see his reaction. He wasn't sure if Fernando was being honest or if he was just the tiredness and anger talking, he wouldn't blame him for either, but he needed to know which one it was so he knew what to do.
“I said I don't want to talk about it,” Fernando muttered, turning around again so his back was to Mark, making the Aussie sigh.
“I know, but I think it's better if you do,” Mark said, moving so he was lying behind Fernando, wrapping his arm around his waist to pull him into his chest. “I understand if you were just mad and a bit tired, okay? But if you were being serious, if you are thinking about stopping, that's fine too, Fonz”
Fernando’s shoulders tensed, and he pushed Mark away before he got up from the bed, looking at the Aussie like he had just insulted his whole family.
“I am not going to stop,” Fernando huffed. “I don't want to stop, I was just mad and tired, that's why I said that, but I am not stopping yet, I still can do it”
Mark sighed, moving on the bed until he was sitting on the edge of it so he could reach out to Fernando, pulling him closer by the hem of his shirt until he was standing between his legs.
“I don't want to stop,” Fernando said softly.
“I know,” Mark smiled up at Fernando, his arms wrapping around his middle, one of his hands sneaking under his shirt to softly caress his back, trying to make him relax. “I am not saying you should”
“I just feel like it's not worth it some days,” Fernando confessed, his voice barely a whisper, and Mark sighed, but he didn't say anything, knowing Fernando wasn't done yet but needed time to order his thoughts. “I keep telling myself that it's fine, that I still have next year, that things will be better then, but what if they don't? I don't want to go through that again, I don't want to retire after spending the year fighting at the back of the grid, I want to leaving having fought at the front just one last time”
“You will,” Mark said, sending Fernando a look when he saw the Spaniard was about to protest. “You will, okay? Things are different now, Fonz, it won't be like 2015 again, Honda is different, they're working really hard to give you the best engine, and you will have Adrian, you will fight at the front again”
Fernando smiled down at Mark, raising one of his hands to run his fingers through his hair. “You sound really sure about that”
“I am sure,” Mark said, closing his eyes as he let out a content hum at the feeling of Fernando’s fingers on his hair. “And I will be there to see it and I will be the one cheering the loudest for you”
“Promise?”
“Promise,” Mark nodded as he smiled up at Fernando before he pulled him into the bed again, and Fernando let himself be pulled until they were laying down on their sides, Fernando's back to Mark’s chest, the Aussie’s arm wrapped around his waist to pull him closer.
“Mark?” Fernando said after a moment of silence. Mark hummed to let him know he was listening to him. “Thank you”
“For what?”
“For everything,” Fernando turned around so he was lying on his back, looking up at Mark, who had got up on his elbow, with a small smile.
Mark smiled at Fernando before he leaned down to kiss him. Because they did that now. Kissing.
“Always, Fonz,” Mark mumbled against Fernando’s lips before going back to kissing him, and Fernando smiled before kissing Mark back, wrapping his arms around his neck to pull him down close to him.
Things were going to be hard this year, and Fernando was sure there were going to be a lot more days like today where he just felt like it wasn't worth it anymore, but he had Mark now, and that might not change the fact that his car was not competitive and that he will spend the year at the back of the grid, but things seemed a little bit brighter with Mark by his side. Always have.