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Buck loved his job.
He loved being a firefighter, getting to help people, to make a difference in someone’s life that nobody could take away.
But every job has its downsides. And even excluding the dangers, the getting struck by lightning and crushed by ladder trucks of it all, Buck found it was the simpler things that would affect him the most.
The ones they couldn’t save. The ones dead when they got there. That was what destroyed Buck each and every time, and that was what had taken him a long time to learn how to live with.
There was a routine of sorts that had come into motion when it came to bad calls. Everyone had their people they would go to. Hen and Chimney wouldn’t stick to each other necessarily, but they would certainly be around each other more, checking in and doing those small little tasks that you don’t realise can be tiring until you feel like every step sets you back 10.
There would sometimes be Buck and Ravi - Buck teaching him small little tricks or bits of information that usually go unsaid with Ravi dutifully asking questions at the right queues. Or other times it would be Ravi playing catch up, informing Buck of all the little tid bits of knowledge that seemed to go unsaid about him. (Like he was a landlord, apparently.)
The entire 118 seemed to naturally split into pairings on those bad days, everyone finding someone to either wallow in misery with or struggle to find the joy around.
But above all the other companionships, there was almost always Buck and Eddie. Wherever Eddie went Buck followed and vice versa. They were the ones, more than anyone else, that could understand each other with a single glance if not before.
It wasn’t like they hadn’t been separated before, they had been more times than Buck liked to think about, but it seemed to have worked out that none of the life rattling calls had settled in those time periods.
That was, until Eddie went to Texas.
Buck closed the locker room door behind him as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He sat down on one of the benches, the one facing the rest of the station. He would’ve chosen to hide his face if not for the fact that he could lean back against the lockers where he was, and he didn’t really trust himself to stay upright on his own.
Taking his phone from his pocket with still numb fingers, he read the familiar ‘G.I (Eddie)’ contact name that he had set all those years ago and without thought, swiped to answer the call.
“Chris is thinking of joining a literature club, apparently. I don’t know what you did but I feel like it was you,” Eddie wasted no time before talking. It brought comfort to Buck that he was so familiar with Eddie that he could picture the facial expressions he was making.
“I’m at work” Was all Buck could get out. He knew his words were stilted, and he probably should feel embarrassed about his voice crack, but right now he didn’t have the energy to feel much of anything.
“I know. So how’d you corrupt my kid from another state? I might have to move further if your magic powers are still working”
Any other time, Buck would’ve laughed. He would’ve bantered right back and held a steady conversation until one of them had to go. Instead-
“There was a girl…” He knew he sounded rough, but the way Eddie’s voice softened when he spoke next only confirmed it.
“I know, Bobby told me”
“Bobby called you?”
“It was a text,” Eddie corrected like the dick he was, “He just wanted to make sure I knew so I could check in on you. But you can tell me what happened anyway - Cap was brief”
It took a few seconds longer than it should have for the words and Eddie’s intent behind them to process, so Buck sat still until he could gather the strength to respond.
A few months ago, Eddie would’ve been right there beside him. They would’ve been laughing together, or leaning so hard on each other’s shoulders that they may as well have fused together. It felt different over the phone.
“Her car crashed,” Buck’s voice wavered, so he slowed down so much to the point that even he wasn’t sure when his sentences ended or if he was just pausing for a moment. Eddie didn’t cut in either way, simply letting Buck take his time and work his way through the sentences. “She was 14, they went underwater…”
“What then?” Came the quiet prompt when Buck was silent for more than 20 seconds. Hearing Eddie this gentle was a privilege that Buck wanted to keep in a bottle. Shame he only seemed to hear it when he was otherwise occupied.
He took a deep breath in, savouring the feeling of the air in his lungs, then slowly blew it out. “I had her. Ravi and Chim went to get the parents, I sat with her in the ambulance. She started choking, I- Hen was there, but…I had her”
His voice breaks off, and Buck visualises it shattering all over the floor in front of him. He leans down to rest his elbows on his knees just so he can put his chin in the palm of his hand and not have to look at anyone walking by.
“Secondary drowning” Eddie summarised. If Buck closed his eyes tight enough, he could almost imagine the warmth next to him.
“I had her”
“There was nothing you could’ve done, Buck. Even if you blanked, Hen was right there. You both did all you could. We can just be glad that she died warm and safe”
“I had her”
There was another silence after that, but for once, Buck was okay with it.
His mind would usually be whirling with images right now, the sounds of someone choking on water filling his ears and the feeling of wet cloth and breaking ribs under his palms haunting his fingertips. But for once, it was quiet. Maybe it was Eddie, maybe it was all just too much and his brain decided to take a time out. Buck wasn’t sure. He didn’t really want to know.
“Have you eaten?” Eddie asked after a while of that comfortable yet heavy silence.
“Eddie…”
“Yeah yeah, bear with me here” It was clear Eddie was making the conscious choice to lighten his tone, and while it was obvious, Buck didn’t call him out on it. “I have a checklist for these kinds of things, usually I use it for Chris”
“I’m usually the one with the list” Buck stumbled over his words in a way that really should be embarrassing, especially simple as the conversation was.
“Well you’re a control freak, Buckley. Someone had to take control back soon. So - food?”
Buck glanced up and around the slowly emptying station through the glass walls. “I think Bobby’s taking me for breakfast”
There was an audible sigh of relief from the other end of the phone. Buck didn’t think he had ever mentioned any issues with food, so either Eddie knew something he didn’t or he was just protective. Both ideas were strangely nice - knowing that his choices of belief were ‘Eddie knows you so intimately that he can tell when somethings wrong before it’s even wrong’ or ‘Eddie wants you to be safe so badly that he’s worrying about things that haven’t happened’.
“Good, okay. You changed out of your uniform?”
“Mhm”
Buck knew how co-dependant and utterly homoerotic they would sound if anyone overheard, but he knew exactly where each question was coming from and why Eddie felt the need to ask it. And he also knew that he would ask the same.
Usually, Eddie would be here beside him. Eddie would be around him all day to see if he’s eaten or not or if he’s in his civilian clothes. He’s compensating, and Buck didn’t mind.
“Is Chris asleep?” Buck didn’t know where the question came from. He wouldn’t have wanted to talk to Chris anyway, not when he’s barely able to form coherent sentences and Chris had grown old enough to know when things were wrong. Maybe it was that it was a call with a kid, or maybe it was the water, or the size of the girl in his arms. He didn’t know. He was too tired to think into it.
“Yeah, sleeping soundly” Eddie assured him. He didn’t offer waking Chris to talk to him. He knew Buck too well for that. “He talked my ear off about one of his friends from school, think it wore him out”
“He’s…still talking to you?”
“Yeah,” Eddie sighed softly, and there was a few creaks of bedsprings as he leaned back on either his couch or his bed. “Thank God. I was going insane there”
He didn’t bother replying. They both knew it would be some form of ‘me too’ or ‘I’m happy for you’, so there was so point in draining his energy for it.
Buck closed his eyes. Yellow shirt, blue lips coughing up water-
“I had her”
“Buck-“
“She was right there. She was so close to…”
“Here’s what you’re gonna do.” Eddie didn’t cut him off, but he didn’t give him much time to continue either, voice firm yet kind. “You’re going to go to breakfast with Bobby, you’re gonna let him pay. Then you’re gonna get home, shower, put on that LAFD hoodie I know you stole from me, then call me back. Okay?”
The door to the locker room cracked open, and Buck lifted his eyes to a tired, yet worried looking Bobby leaning against the doorframe.
“Okay” He agreed quietly.
“Good,” Eddie’s smile was audible in his voice. It loosened one of the tight knots in Buck’s chest. “I’ve still got your back, Buck. Me moving doesn’t change that. You hear me?”
“I hear you”
“Bye Buck,”
“Bye,” Buck waited until he heard the beeps that indicated the end of the call and lowered the phone, staring at his blank home screen. “Eddie says hi”
He didn’t look up as Bobby walked over, simply letting himself get guided to his feet then out the door, not even questioning what to do with his jeep when he’s ushered into Bobby’s car.
“C’mon. Let’s get you home”