Chapter Text
There had been a moment, back during sophomore year, when Soonyoung had looked at him and had been sure they were going to spend the rest of their life together.
It was a lazy Saturday afternoon, both of them relaxing after finals (and some celebratory sex) on Soonyoung's tiny bed. Soonyoung was babbling about the dance club's upcoming end of the year performance, and he had just shut him up with a kiss because he wanted to take a well-deserved nap. Soonyoung turned on his side to look at him then, meeting with his peaceful, familiar face lightly kissed by the sunlight peeking through the window, and thought with alarming security, we are going to grow old together.
Soonyoung told him so, the epiphany too important to be mindful of his little nap and wait for a later moment. He kept his eyes closed and only murmured to please be quiet, Soonyoung-ah, but his lips were curled into a smile and his arms wrapped languidly around Soonyoung's waist.
Soonyoung was majoring in performative arts, he in business.
Soonyoung dreamed of becoming a professional dancer, he wanted to get a stable, well-paid job in a good company.
It was clear who was the dreamer and who was the pragmatic one in the couple.
Still, Soonyoung had never been so sure about something in his entire life.
~~~
It’s Saturday morning, and Soonyoung is doing everything in his power to avoid the light streaming through the window. With a dramatic grunt he shifts on the bed, flipping upside down so his head dangles off the edge, far away from the assaulting sunlight.
He loves how Seokmin’s apartment gets natural light at basically any hour of the day (also, it’s only fitting for a guy like him to live bathed in constant light) but not so much when he doesn’t have to be up for a couple of hours yet.
“Hyung, at this point you should just get up,” Seokmin is saying with a laugh, already halfway dressed. “You’re awake anyway.”
Soonyoung groans again, but his eyes finally flicker open at the sound of Seokmin’s voice. He sees him standing by the dresser, still in boxers but already buttoning up his shirt.
The vision makes him sigh, and not for the first time since they started going out. More than six months, by now. Nearly eight, as Seokmin reminded him just a few days ago with many exclamation points and right before giving Soonyoung the pre-celebratory head of his life.
It’s a bit weird, feeling like this after all this time. ‘Happy’, Soonyoung would say if he wanted to be melodramatic. ‘In love’ would be a more appropriate description. He never thought he could feel like that again, not after all the time it took to rebuild himself, to find comfort in his routines and in himself. Learning to know who he was once left alone. Growing used to solitude, even finding some sort of peace in it. Safety.
Soonyoung never thought he would have wanted to experience that kind of vulnerability ever again. Until that day at the restaurant.
A small place, mostly frequented by office workers in their lunch break, and Soonyoung used to have lunch there about every two weeks right after his physiotherapist appointment. Mostly because it was close by, relatively quiet and with a kimchi stew in the menu that’s awfully similar to his mum’s.
He would be lying if he said he noticed Seokmin first. Not because he was lacking in anything, it was just Soonyoung who hadn’t been interested in other people for quite some time.
It only took the faint clink of the beer glass when the waiter placed it on his table one day. Soonyoung had looked up, caught off guard by that disruption of his routine.
“It’s from that young man over there,” the waiter, a quiet and efficient man at least ten years older than Soonyoung, had said with a poorly concealed smile.
Soonyoung almost dismissed it, assuming there had been a mistake. But then he followed the man’s subtle nod to a man sitting across the room, a guy around his age in a dark blue suit. Their eyes met, just briefly because the guy looked away almost immediately, embarrassed, but Soonyoung felt it, a little something shifting in the air.
That nervous but kind gaze, lips curling at the corners into a shy, almost apologetic smile. Not a knowing smirk, not an arrogant declaration. Earnest, bright. A little clumsy, and undeniably genuine. Seokmin would tell him, days later, how he’d psyched himself up for weeks before taking that first step.
That was all it took for Soonyoung’s heart to give an unexpected flutter.
The rest was history. Soonyoung started to go to the restaurant more often, every time his work allowed him to have lunch in that part of the city. Seokmin was often there, and from exchanging shy smiles across the room they moved to small pleasantries, to full conversations over steaming bowls, and then finally to meeting outside as well, when they realized Seokmin’s lunch breaks weren’t long enough for them to be satisfied.
Now, nearly eight months into their relationship, it’s a marvel in itself how everything fell into place. Despite the inherent shyness, Seokmin is warm, open. Strong, even, in a way that makes Soonyoung feel safe like he hasn’t in a long time.
Nearly eight months of unbridled bliss. No tiptoeing around, no guesswork, no dark clouds looming on the horizon. It feels like something they've been building for years instead of just months.
To keep it short and simple, he and Seokmin fit together. Seokmin is kind and laughs easily. He likes cooking and he stops to say hi to every single dog he meets on the street (to pet them, as well, but only after asking the owner’s permission because he’s precious and polite like that). His unstyled hair is naturally curly, he smiles with too many teeth and sometimes he giggles during sex.
Soonyoung is irremediably, blissfully in love with him.
And he knows it isn’t just the honeymoon phase, because he’s not the type of guy who gets caught up in those fleeting bursts of infatuation. Well, not anymore.
Soonyoung rolls on his belly, resting the chin on his palm to watch Seokmin fighting with the last buttons of his shirt more comfortably. He sighs again and lets himself stare without an ounce of shame.
Yeah, life with Seokmin is easy for many reasons, and one of them is surely that he looks like that.
Pretty eyes and mussed black hair, strong nose and sharp features that always soften when he flashes that dazzling smile of his. Big arms and big chest, that poor shirt fighting for its life. Even bigger thighs, those skimpy boxers doing a very poor job in covering them.
Soonyoung swallows, feeling no shame at all in ogling his boyfriend first thing in the morning.
“I can’t believe you’re leaving for work on a saturday,” he complains, lips jutting out into a pout.
Seokmin chuckles and moves closer to pat his head.
“I know,” he pouts in return. “But we have an important presentation on Monday and I need to help sunbae prepare.”
Here it is, Seokmin’s infamous sunbae from work. Soonyoung’s age but already a team leader, apparently incredibly good at his job, liked by everybody and who’s helped Seokmin a lot since he’s been hired one year and a half ago. Considering the horror corporate stories that go around, it’s a small miracle that Seokmin found such a good person who took him under his wing.
If only he didn’t talk about him so damn much and with such sparkling eyes.
So, Soonyoung pouts harder, only half teasing. “You always talk so nicely about him, but to me he sounds like a despot who forces you to work on weekends.”
Predictably enough, Seokmin gasps, hands flying up in protest. That makes him stop dressing, which is a good thing and maybe Soonyoung’s real aim.
“It’s not like that! He didn’t even want me to come. He told me he’d handle it on his own, but I’m going to go anyway.”
Soonyoung raises a teasing eyebrow. “Mmh. So you want to spend your weekend with this guy who is so nice and praises you all the time. You said everyone in your office has a crush on him too, so he must be handsome as well, right? Should I be worried?”
Seokmin slaps his arm with a frown. “I-it’s not like that,” he mutters, fidgeting with the cuff of his sleeve while a faint blush appears on his cheeks.
He looks so cute when teased, Soonyoung can’t get enough of it. He starts rolling on the bed again in fake despair.
“Oh, what will poor ol’ me do? My sexy boyfriend spends so much time with a hot, nice, competent man, how long ‘til he gets tired of me? What to do, what—”
“Ooh, stop it!”
A hand gets on top of his head, forcing him to still.
Soonyoung shuts up, but mostly because Seokmin is standing by the end of the bed and his crotch is right in front of his face. He forces himself to tear his gaze away and look up at him. He’s red faced, biting the tip of his tongue in contemplation.
“I won’t deny I used to have a tiny little crush on him before—”
“Aha!” Soonyoung interjects in triumph, but Seokmin blocks any further teasing by pressing his thumb on his lips. It has, obviously, the desired effect.
“Please, you would as well if you knew him.” He grins, moving his hand so that it’s cupping the back of Soonyoung’s head as he bends slightly to get close. “But who else can brag of having a boyfriend who still dances professionally even when pushing thirty?”
Soonyoung slaps his thigh loudly.
“You…! We’re only one year apart!”
He uses the hand on Seokmin’s leg to draw him even closer and then leaves it there, caressing the skin, kneading the hard muscle. Seokmin’s grin widens.
“I mean. They say that once you hit thirty each year feels like five.”
He sighs when Soonyoung runs his hand higher, trembles slightly when it brushes his inner thigh, skimming over the front of his underwear and stopping on the waistband.
“What are you going to do then?” Soonyoung murmurs, looking up at him through his lashes and pressing a kiss on Seokmin’s clothed length. It’s open mouthed, and it shakes Seokmin’s body with a shudder. “Keep me until I’m thirty and then discard me somewhere?”
The following seconds are filled only by the sounds of Seokmin’s quickening breath as Soonyoung keeps trailing kisses along his length until it starts filling up his boxers.
“Mmh… I’ll think about it,” he pants after a while, tightening his grip on Soonyoung’s head to push it to his crotch.
Soonyoung smiles and quickly yanks the underwear down, smiles wider when Seokmin’s cock nearly hits his nose, and moans as he takes him in in one go. He hums, pleased, at Seokmin’s high moan. Hopefully, all thoughts about whatever work he needs to do with that sunbae of his are on their way to be forgotten.
Soonyoung takes him deep, happily so, and Seokmin tugs at his hair, whining, “Hyungie don’t you have work later, your throat…”
“I don’t need my voice to dance,” Soonyoung points out, voice already hoarse.
“And how are you going to yell at the poor idols you have to teach today?”
Soonyoung’s lips curl slowly into a smile, and he swipes his tongue across Seokmin’s slit. “They better be good then.”
He digs his fingers in the back of Seokmin’s thighs and takes him back inside his mouth, and from then on it’s only the sound of his perfect boyfriend’s moans and the sting from his own hair getting pulled.
Soonyoung can’t stop smiling, even with his mouth full.
Perfect. Easy.
~~~
The room Seokmin and his friends managed to rent for the exhibition is small but with a poor heating system, and most of the visitors are roaming around it admiring the art hung to the walls with their outwear still on.
It’s what they could afford, even with all three of them having a job with a more than decent pay (yes, even with Mingyu climbing his way up the architectural firm he works for and with how Minghao just sold one of his paintings for what he earns in one year). Still, stuff like this is expensive, and art… Well, it’s just a hobby.
At first, Soonyoung was surprised at the passionate dedication Seokmin puts into photography (and baseball, and working out, and collecting Broadway musicals DVDs while knowing all the songs by heart). Before Seokmin, the concept of an office worker having the will and the free time to pursue any kind of hobby was foreign to him.
But this is just one more thing Seokmin makes look easy, even though Soonyoung knows it isn’t in the slightest. The busy days before an important meeting, when Seokmin comes home late at night and only to flop face down on his bed. How he laments his eyes itching with the long hours spent in front of a computer. The occasional weekends he has to dedicate to work.
It’s not easy, Soonyoung knows it. Just like it isn’t easy for him, a choreographer and back dancer for one of the biggest idol companies of the country. The days out of town following a singer on tour, the nights at the dance studio trying to come up with a choreography apt for the group assigned to him this time, the standards and the expectations rising at every comeback, the need to keep up with the latest trends.
It’s not easy, but they both try their best to make time for everything that really matters in their life.
Because if you let your work consume you, what’s going to be left of you? Will you even still be a human?
Soonyoung blinks, surprised at the turn his thoughts took. He shakes his head, snuggling better against Seokmin.
The room could be warmer, sure, but he doesn’t mind the cold too much, all thanks to his trustworthy puffy jacket and to the fact that he’s been clinging to Seokmin’s arm for the past hour or so.
They have been standing near the entrance for a while now, Seokmin exchanging greetings with the visitors while Soonyoung just hung from his arm, silent and smiling, shy with strangers and terrible at making small talk. Just happy to bask in Seokmin’s jittery excitement and to witness how every person couldn’t help but brighten up after a few seconds in his presence.
At first he was simply holding Seokmin’s hand, mostly to stop him from picking at the dead skin on his palms.
“Sorry, it’s so cold but my hands are all sweaty,” Seokmin had murmured after a few minutes, the hand in Soonyoung’s twitching in discomfort.
“Oh,” Soonyoung had murmured in return, a little sadly perhaps but readily letting Seokmin’s hand go.
“Ah, no.” Seokmin’s arm had jerked and he’d bitten his lip, blushing slightly while Soonyoung blinked at him in confusion. “Could you, uhm, hold my arm instead?”
Pushing down the urge to coo at him and cover him in kisses, Soonyoung had only laughed quietly and linked their arms together, and that’s how he’s spent the last hour. Clinging to Seokmin’s big arm and listening to random people gushing over his perfect, talented man.
It’s better like this anyway. He gets to fight the cold and be as close to Seokmin as he can be in a public setting.
Once the initial rush has died down, it’s finally Soonyoung’s turn to visit the exhibit with his very own personal guide. Arms still linked together, Seokmin turns to him with a poorly concealed smile, “So, want me to show you around?” and Soonyoung beams, nodding eagerly.
He keeps clinging to Seokmin’s arm as they walk through the exhibit, especially now that they’ve removed their jackets after the room finally warmed up. Soonyoung absentmindedly runs his hand along Seokmin’s bicep, sagging the swell of the muscle under his fingers while he fires question after question to his sheepish and slightly embarrassed man.
Soonyoung looks at him more than at what’s on the walls, enjoying how he lightens up, how the pink hue doesn’t leave the top of his cheekbones. He kept his hair wavy today and chose to wear his nice coat, the dark blue one he uses for work, with an expensive creamy high-neck sweater underneath. Seokmin usually tends to dress way more casually on weekends, but today was special, and the effort he put into looking his best is painfully endearing.
Soonyoung doesn’t know much about photography and figurative art in general. He just likes to look at things he finds pretty, which Mingyu’s photos are, with that kind of artistic and expensive feeling. And he always enjoys listening as Minghao talks about the meaning behind his paintings with that particular cadence of his, even if to Soonyoung they’re mostly gorgeous splashes of color.
And while Soonyoung doesn’t understand much, his favorite works are still Seokmin’s photographs, and not just because he’s his boyfriend, but because Seokmin’s photos are just like him. Pleasing, easy on the eyes without being shallow. Transparent, honest. He has a particular way of photographing living beings, being a dog on the street or a person. There is tenderness in the way he captures them.
Soonyoung never really understood what the fuss about ‘being photographed by someone who loves you’ was until he ended up on the other side of Seokmin’s shutter and saw himself through his eyes. Him eating instant noodles with a comically intense concentration, cheeks full and round. Him in the middle of a laugh as his parents’ dog literally walks on his face, Latte’s tiny paws right on his eyes. The straight line of his brows as he’s studying his latest choreography. A close up of his small hands.
Normal moments, mundane even, but Soonyoung feels like he’s finding something new about himself with every photo.
Yet, or maybe precisely for that reason, when Seokmin had asked if he could include a couple of those photos in the exhibition, Soonyoung had gently refused. He’s not particularly critical about how he looks, nor is he shy in front of a crowd. Quite the opposite, even. He thrives in front of it when he’s performing, despite his usual shyness with strangers.
This, however… it feels too vulnerable, too intimate.
Seokmin hadn’t argued, obviously and blissfully. He ended up choosing only a couple of portraits for the exhibit, the tiny hands of his baby niece, Mingyu’s handsome profile, an old man in front of his store giving a toothless and happy smile to the camera.
There’s another one that Soonyoung can’t see well because of the small crowd that has gathered in front of it. It’s only four people, all women, but their excited murmuring is so intense that they feel like more.
Beside him, Seokmin straightens up, a sudden excitement radiating off him in waves. “Oh, I want you to see this one. You’re gonna like it,” he says, giggling like he’s about to share some secret. His cheeks are pink, his grip on Soonyoung’s arm tightening just slightly as he leads him closer to the photo.
It’s one of the biggest photos of the exhibition, and the moment they get close the small crowd makes space for them as if it was staged.
And all Soonyoung’s breath gets punched out of him.
It’s striking in its simplicity. A black and white photograph of a man standing in profile on what seems to be the rooftop of a building, the grey sky stretching behind him. Hand tucked inside the pocket of a long coat, black hair falling softly and slightly messy over his forehead, brushing the rim of dark glasses.
The man is looking downward with a little smile, shy at being the object of someone’s art and attention. He looks like someone just made him laugh, and as though it wasn’t meant to be caught on camera at all.
It’s a beautiful photo. The man is strikingly handsome.
But that’s not what knocked the air out of Soonyoung.
It was the straight nose, the sharp cut of the jaw. The curve of the cheek holding an unbearable softness.
That smile. Sweet, devastatingly timid. The kind of smile a person would do anything to make appear. Ridicule themselves to the utmost just to be the cause of it.
Doesn’t Soonyoung know about that.
“So? Do you like it?” Seokmin’s voice comes from very far away, and he sounds like he’s grinning.
Soonyoung doesn’t answer. Something hot has settled in the middle of his throat.
He knows that face. Fuck that, he doesn’t just know it. He remembers every detail of it like it’s etched into his memory.
“Oh, hyung! You came!”
Seokmin’s voice pulls him out of his trance, cheerful and oblivious. But that ‘hyung’ isn't directed at Soonyoung. Seokmin is looking behind them, speaking to someone who isn’t him and who’s seemingly approaching them.
Slowly, Soonyoung turns his head.
He already knows what he’s going to see.
Soonyoung turns and here he is, Jeon Wonwoo, looking exactly like the man in the photo because he is the man in the photo.
He doesn’t see Soonyoung immediately, which gives him a couple of seconds to take the sight in and try to deal with the impact of seeing him here, of all places, knowing his boyfriend, of all people.
It’s a Sunday, but he looks like he came straight from the office (and, from what Soonyoung knows about Wonwoo, he might as well be), pressed slacks and a light blue shirt, coat tucked neatly under one arm.
Soonyoung has seen Wonwoo dressed like this countless times before, and yet this version of Wonwoo looks different. More put-together, more expensive. Wonwoo as a whole simultaneously looks like a different person altogether and like it hasn’t been one day since that last time—the crumpled white shirt after thirteen hours at the office, the harsh fluorescent light of the kitchen casting a sickly-looking glow on his face and enhancing the purple under his eyes, the paleness of his complexion.
Did he get taller, Soonyoung wonders as his stomach clenches more and more while Wonwoo makes his way through the small crowd. He can't have gotten taller, he reasons the next second because who keeps growing after 23, but he does look taller. It's because he got bigger, the saner part of Soonyoung’s brain provides. Fuck, he really got broader, the less rational part mutters.
His hair is longer, his glasses different, the fond smile he’s making at Seokmin painfully familiar.
He doesn’t even notice Soonyoung at first, completely focused on Seokmin. Saying hi and some other stuff that sounds like him congratulating Seokmin (he sounds exactly the same, low voice and polite tone, still so prone to praise).
Then Seokmin says something, half turning and gesturing in Soonyoung’s direction, and Soonyoung can’t stop watching, heart in his throat and ice in his guts, as Wonwoo’s gaze finally sweeps over his boyfriend before landing on him.
The world seems to stop and narrow to just the two of them, the noise of the gallery fading to a dull hum.
Soonyoung isn’t sure of the expression he’s wearing, but he sees how the sight of him hits Wonwoo, and how he manages the impact of it way better, at least outwardly, than what Soonyoung is probably doing. It’s subtle, but Soonyoung knows exactly what to look for. Wonwoo’s eyes widening ever so slightly, his chest lifting as he draws a sharp breath. The faint tremble in his pupils.
Six years.
Six years since they last saw each other, way less since Soonyoung had finally started to feel free from the lingering shadow of Wonwoo’s ghost.
And yet it takes this single moment, this single glance, to ruin it all, the weight of the past rushing back to Soonyoung as if it hasn’t even been a day from that night in that kitchen with the harsh and unflattering lighting, Wonwoo’s tired and pale face, his shoulders slumped. Soonyoung’s own body shaking as months of pent-up frustration bubbled over, the desperation of feeling his love unrequited, unseen. And Wonwoo… shaking, as well, being a little less quiet than usual, a little less controlled. His voice was only a tone higher than usual and yet it felt like he was screaming.
“Wonwoo-hyung, let me introduce you to my boyfriend!”
Seokmin is still talking from somewhere far away, yet his voice manages to cut through the ringing sound in Soonyoung’s ears. Soonyoung holds onto it like a lifebelt, trying to anchor himself back in the present.
It seems to do something to Wonwoo as well, and his gaze flickers toward Seokmin, softening in the way Soonyoung has seen so many people do around him.
“Hyung!” Seokmin turns back to Soonyoung, bright and completely unaware of the tension tightening in Soonyoung’s chest. “This is Jeon Wonwoo, the hyung from work I always talk about.”
Had Soonyoung been a little more lucid, he would have been struck by Seokmin not having qualms in admitting in front of Wonwoo that he always talks about him at home. Had he been more lucid, he would have noticed how it wasn’t ‘sunbae’ anymore, but ‘Wonwoo-hyung’.
But Soonyoung isn’t anywhere near lucid. His mind is spinning, thoughts racing at supersonic speed.
What to do, what to do. Come up with a sudden stomach ache and run away–you can’t leave Seokmin alone during his fucking exhibition, you jerk, Soonyoung immediately chastise himself.
Should he tell Seokmin the truth?
No. God, no.
Seokmin would ask questions and then Soonyoung would have to live through the excruciating experience of talking about his and Wonwoo’s past, and knowing Seokmin he would surely start overthinking, and maybe it would make things awkward at work with Wonwoo—no.
You don’t need to say how well you knew each other. You don’t need to say everything.
Oh, but would Wonwoo understand? Wouldn’t he let something slip out?
Soonyoung decides in a split second, putting on a polite smile and extending his hand.
“Nice to meet you,” he says, his voice coming out remarkably smooth. “Thank you for always taking care of Seokmin. He says only good things about you.”
He sees Wonwoo hesitating just for a fraction of a second before taking Soonyoung’s outstretched hand with a small nod. “Likewise,” he says, his tone neutral.
The handshake is brief, impersonal, and once it’s over Soonyoung fights the urge to wipe his palm on his pants to erase the sensation of Wonwoo’s bare skin against his after six years.
In the midst of all this, Seokmin is an endearing mix of jittery nerves and bubbly excitement.
“I’m so happy you two finally met!”
The smile on Soonyoung’s face feels thin and strained, but thankfully Seokmin doesn’t seem to notice, back talking to Wonwoo.
“Hyung, have you already given a look around?”
Wonwoo shakes his head. “No, I just got here.”
“I can show you around then, if you want!” If possible, Seokmin lightens up even more. He turns back to Soonyoung and Soonyoung clenches his fists at the weight of two pairs of eyes being back on him. “You know, Wonwoo-hyung enjoys taking photos too!”
“Does he?” Soonyoung can’t help but ask, sounding more puzzled than intended.
But it’s weird to imagine Wonwoo with interests outside his job. Back then, during the year before they burned all bridges, he was so consumed by work that he pushed everything else aside. Even his beloved videogames, for which he used to sacrifice his sleep during college.
Even Soonyoung, for whom he used to sacrifice even more hours of sleep.
“Yeah,” Seokmin interjects before Wonwoo can say anything. “Sometimes, when I’m very lucky, I manage to drag him away from work or from his games and take him around the city to take photos together.”
The words land in Soonyoung’s stomach with a dull sound. Not only photography, but Wonwoo has picked up gaming again.
“It’s just a hobby,” Wonwoo says sheepishly, a slightly whining note in his voice. “I’m not nearly as good or as dedicated as you are.”
A brief glance in Soonyoung’s direction follows, something quick and that Soonyoung doesn’t know what to make of. But Wonwoo’s gaze is immediately back on Seokmin, who’s shifted to stand between him and Soonyoung.
“Anyway, I’m so embarrassed that the first photo you have to see is one of my own,” he’s saying in that insanely attractive blend of shy and cheeky.
“I came to see yours, though.”
Is this the stuff you’d say to your coworker, Soonyoung wonders. To your subordinate, more so. These words said with this soft tone, paired with an equally soft gaze. Something is tugging at Soonyoung’s mind, he knows there’s something he should be paying more attention to, but having Wonwoo here still feels too surreal for him to process anything else.
“Ah, you’ll change your mind after you see this one,” Seokmin says with a laugh before stepping aside to reveal the black and white photo portraying Wonwoo himself.
Witnessing Wonwoo’s reaction must be one of the most mortifying experiences of Soonyoung’s life.
His eyes widening, surprise blooming on his face as he takes in the photo. A sudden blush painting his cheekbones, his fingers going to fiddle with his coat in obvious embarrassment and poorly hidden pleasure.
Soonyoung can’t look away. Hell, he wishes so badly he could.
“I…I’ve never seen this one,” Wonwoo comments after clearing his throat.
Soonyoung ignores the revelation that this isn’t the only photo Seokmin took of Wonwoo, while Seokmin’s nervous energy melts away, completely making space for pure pride and eagerness.
“Do you like it? It’s one of my favorites.”
A shy smile tugs at Wonwoo’s lips and Soonyoung swallows thickly, his throat dry.
“Is it weird if I said it’s beautiful?”
While Seokmin laughs, bright and pleased, Soonyoung bristles, the words leaving his mouth before he can stop them, “Well, Seokmin is a great photographer.”
Seokmin ducks his head, blushing. “Ah, hyungie, stop,” he mutters all happily. “I had a nice subject to start with,” he adds a bit coily, which only makes Wonwoo blush harder and direct his gaze to the floor.
Seokmin takes the chance to link his and Soonyoung’s arms together once again, and it’s so simple yet so grounding, right when all Soonyoung feels is like he’s floating away. He leans in, his voice a careful murmur meant only for Soonyoung’s ears.
“Hey. Are you okay?”
It’s heartwarming, the genuine concern in Seokmin’s features, how he managed to notice something was wrong with Soonyoung amidst all this. It makes Soonyoung feel ungrateful, guilt gnawing at him. He forces himself to focus on how loved Seokmin always makes him feel.
Still, he doesn’t know what to say. Doesn’t know how to breathe.
Soonyoung nods quickly, perhaps too quickly. “Yeah, sure.”
He adds a small grin, and while Seokmin doesn’t look particularly convinced, he doesn’t press further. His hand slides down Soonyoung’s arm to squeeze his own, and while Soonyoung knows he’s going to be subjected to some more gentle prodding later, as of now he can only feel relieved when Seokmin turns his attention back to Wonwoo.
Soonyoung wants to believe his own reassurance, he really does. He wants to believe that he’s okay, like he’s been thinking until this morning.
But now he’s suddenly wondering if that’s true. If he’s ever been truly okay in the past years, or if he just swept it all under the rug, making himself busy with work, going after his goals. Never stopping to address it because what is there to address? People break up all the time, it’s no big deal.
Telling himself he didn’t need love and then finding love anyway, a love that makes him feel safe all the same, and yet that’s so different from what he had before. With a person so bright and sensitive, a constant source of warmth. Someone whose words Soonyoung didn’t have to interpret and translate, whose feelings and thoughts don’t need to be deciphered once gotten used to Seokmin’s tendency to sulk for the most random things, which is more endearing than anything.
But Wonwoo’s occasional closeness wasn’t the real problem, Soonyoung knows that. He would have gladly kept reading beyond his words if it had meant staying together. He already had unlocked every cheat code anyway. No, it was everything else that went to shit.
And it was so damn tiring at times. In the same way it isn’t with Seokmin. Transparent, open even when he cutely sulks. Sunshine personified where Wonwoo was the hidden face of the moon.
He knows he’s being unfair. He knows it wasn’t always like that, and he knows all about Wonwoo’s warmth.
Again, it’s hard being rational at the moment.
Hand in hand with Seokmin, Soonyoung follows him for a second round around the gallery as he walks Wonwoo through it. They’re talking, but he doesn’t hear a word of their conversation, detaching himself from his surroundings until all he feels, all he senses, is the solidity of Seokmin's arm against his, Seokmin's warm hand still holding his own. Soonyoung squeezes it, clings to it.
Everything’s fine.
~~~
Despite what many people might think, Soonyoung isn’t stupid.
Naive and sometimes gullible, yes. Playful and prone to laugh and overall cute when he wants to, sure. Easy to be with, probably. And he might be an idiot in many ways, but he's not stupid.
He knew things would change after college.
Long gone was the similar routine, the common circle of friends, the very few responsibilities. They had rent to pay now, an apartment that albeit small needed a minimum care. They both had jobs, even if Wonwoo managed to get into a big company right after graduation while Soonyoung was stuck in part-time jobs hell, teaching dance to elementary schoolers three days a week and spending the rest of his time behind a supermarket register.
In retrospect, maybe it hadn’t been all Wonwoo’s fault. Maybe Soonyoung would have handled it better had he been less frustrated with his life.
What pushed him through the exhausting formative years in college was the absolute certainty that he would have had his breakthrough after graduation. Entertainment agencies and ballet companies lining up at his metaphorical door after seeing his year-end performance. Soonyoung had no doubt about it, and it wasn’t cockiness nor arrogance, but mere willpower. He was going to dance professionally, one way or another.
Soonyoung did get one offer, eventually. Just one, and he turned it down.
Because it would have meant going for at least one year abroad, and because it came when Wonwoo had just started working. Accepting and leaving Wonwoo in Seoul when they just signed for their apartment, finally starting their life together outside school, was unthinkable. Accepting and risking for Wonwoo to decide to abandon everything to follow him (Soonyoung could hear him already, ‘Soonyoung-ah, with my degree I can find a job everywhere’), was even worse.
So, Soonyoung put everything on his personal scale, and the choice ended up being easier than he expected. He couldn’t bear to leave Wonwoo, not even for one year or for a couple of months, and he didn’t want him to make some stupid decisions.
How hard could it be to find the job of his dreams, anyway? Soonyoung was destined to be a performer.
Fast forward to one year and a half later, and there had been no new offers and multiple rejections from all the dance companies, whether big or small, Soonyoung auditioned for.
He was stuck. Hope and will slowly leaving him as the people he graduated with all found their way while he was forced to do jobs he didn’t care much for because he had to pay rent, despite what Wonwoo might say.
“You can drop the part-time at the supermarket, if you hate it. I make enough to pay rent for the both of us, you know that.”
Whenever Wonwoo brought it up, Soonyoung never said anything and only made a mental note to not complain in his presence about how boring being at the register was or how his lower back hurt from standing still for so many hours. He and Wonwoo saw each other scarcely enough as it was, Soonyoung didn’t want to spend that precious and rare time starting a fight.
Because what did Wonwoo even think he would do, if he dropped out of his part-time?
Soonyoung would have spent his days at home, alone, with nothing to distract him from how his life wasn't going the way he expected. How he’d always thought he was special, and instead he was just one among many.
He would have simply become even more miserable, and Soonyoung was feeling lonely enough as he was. Coming back home mid-afternoon or even late in the evening, and always finding it empty. Waiting for Wonwoo to come back to have dinner, only for him to come back too late in the night or saying he already ate at work. Living with a person who spent their precious weekends at the office or simply trying to sleep away the exhaustion from the week.
Maybe, at some point, Soonyoung had started resenting Wonwoo.
Not taking that job offer had been his own choice, but perhaps he would have tolerated better the failure that his professional life was turning out to be, if only Wonwoo had—stayed.
Theoretically he was there, sure. On paper, they lived together. But most days it felt like living with a ghost. An empty house on most days and a silent one on the others, so as not to disturb Wonwoo’s much-needed sleep.
It didn’t matter how interested Wonwoo looked while listening to Soonyoung talking about his funny little students or his latest audition, his pretty attentive eyes staring at him from behind his glasses. It didn’t matter how good sex still was, even with Wonwoo so tired all the time, dead on his feet and on the verge of falling asleep as soon as he touched the bed. It didn’t matter how grateful and cute he was after, as Soonyoung did all the aftercare because Wonwoo’s eyes were already closing.
It didn’t matter how much Soonyoung’s heart clenched every time he looked at Wonwoo’s poor sleeping face, how much he wanted to hug him and shake him at the same time, scream in his face ‘I’m here, I’ve always been here, but where are you?’.
It didn’t matter how much Soonyoung loved him.
In the end, all he ever wanted was to live with Wonwoo.
At first it was to prove himself as a newly hired, and then it was meeting after meeting, project after project, the company constantly dangling a promotion in front of his nose despite Wonwoo being so young.
“Things will be better after I get promoted,” Wonwoo kept saying after missed appointments and cold food left on the table.
But the promotion didn’t come. Which was completely normal, as it only had been a little more than a year. Still, Soonyoung wasn’t sure how much longer he could take it.
He was disheartened, and sad. He hated Wonwoo for making him feel like that. He started wondering if maybe he was only a burden for Wonwoo, if he was working so hard to give Soonyoung the freedom to focus on his non-existent career.
More than anything, Soonyoung felt so fucking lonely.
Maybe that’s why he did what he did. Standing at the kitchen door, taking the time to watch Wonwoo before making his presence known.
The rare sight of him at the stove trying to make some late-night ramen, his hair slightly disheveled, his bad posture, his shirt wrinkled after another endless day at work. His shoulder blades pressing sharply against the fabric, and Wonwoo had always been thin but that was just one more sign of how fucked up his lifestyle had become.
Soonyoung hated how the sight made his heart ache. He hated how the fondness was immediately followed by something uglier.
“Wonwoo-yah,” he called softly, as if testing the waters.
Wonwoo turned his head slightly, glancing at him from over his shoulder. “Mmh? I’m almost done. Are you hungry? I made enough for two.”
The question, so casual and ordinary, almost made Soonyoung go back on his decision. The fact that he couldn’t remember the last time he heard it coming from Wonwoo made him shake his head.
“No. Wonwoo-yah, I… I need to tell you something.”
Wonwoo stopped stirring the noodles, the metal chopsticks in his hand hovering over the pot for a second before he turned off the stove and faced Soonyoung fully, leaning against the counter. The steam from the stove had fogged up his glasses, and he had to take them off to wipe the lenses with the hem of his shirt.
Something twisted inside Soonyoung at the sight. He hated how much he loved him still, and how even then it wasn’t enough.
“What’s wrong?” Wonwoo asked after sliding them back on his nose, adding the usual barrier between his attentive eyes and Soonyoung.
Soonyoung swallowed, taking a shaky step inside the room before dropping the news.
“I got scouted from an entertainment company. They stumbled upon my socials and offered me a job.” He blurted out, not waiting for Wonwoo to fully register his words before dropping the bigger bomb. “I’m gonna work at Pledis, Wonwoo-yah.”
In other circumstances, Soonyoung would have laughed at the comical way Wonwoo’s eyes widened and his mouth opened in a cartoonish ‘o’. How he reached for the kitchen countertop, as if his legs were about to give up.
“Pledis? T-that’s… that’s huge, oh my god,” Wonwoo was stuttering, cutely taken aback, and Soonyoung only wanted to cry.
“It’s their Japanese branch, though. They need more people there and I’ll have to stay for all my first year. Even longer if necessary.”
Soonyoung talked fast, not wanting to leave out any more important information, and then waited for Wonwoo to take them in, elaborate them. He could see his features rearranging, surprise and excitement leaving space for something else, the gears turning inside his head trying to come up with a feasible solution.
“Okay,” Wonwoo said after several seconds of silence. He pushed his glasses up on his nose, a little frantically. “I-I’ve never taken a paid leave until now so I could come visit you… once a month, maybe? Oh, but…” he stalls, doing some more thinking, biting down on his bottom lip. “I’ll have to do some math but I’m sure I can… I could take a longer leave but…”
Soonyoung watched him twisting his fingers, munching on his lips, eyes wide and full of urgence.
It was nice that he was trying.
It was also too damn late.
Soonyoung swallowed back his tears.
“Wonu,” he tried to stop him. “Wonu, it’s okay.”
“No, really, they’re going to understand. I just need to count how many days I have, make some plans and ask—”
“Wonwoo. It’s okay. You don’t need to come visit.”
Wonwoo went immediately still. “What?”
Guts twisted into a tight knot, Soonyoung eyed him with a sadness he didn’t expect to experience Wonwoo’s previously flailing hands stopped mid-air, the little line of confusion between his brows. He took a deep breath to steady himself.
“I’ve been thinking…” he started, ignoring how the line on Wonwoo’s forehead instantly deepened. “We don’t know how long I’ll have to stay abroad, so… I thought, maybe– maybe some time apart would do us good.”
Soonyoung didn’t expect it to go like this, and maybe that by itself said a lot about the condition of their relationship. He expected some resentment, maybe a little performative fight. For Wonwoo to resist, at first, before inevitably caving in because… because Wonwoo didn’t care about them anymore, right? Not like before, not like Soonyoung did.
He didn’t expect the heart-wrenching sight of Wonwoo breaking in front of him.
“Are you– breaking up with me?” he asked in the smallest voice, his eyes narrowing in a helpless look.
Soonyoung ignored it all. “I’m asking you for some time—”
“While going to another country for who knows how long. So, you’re breaking up with me.”
Oh, here it was, the first sign of anger swiping away that unbearable suffering look from Wonwoo’s face. Anger was better than tears. Soonyoung could deal with that.
“Stop being like that. It’s funny that you suddenly want to spend time with me now that I got a job offer abroad.”
“What are you…” Wonwoo blinked, clearly taken aback. “I always want to spend time with you.”
Maybe it was his blatant confusion that gave new life to the fuse of Soonyoung’s resentment, dormant since the start of the conversation but never, never gone. He snorted, incredulous.
“I do!” Wonwoo protested. “It’s just… I’ve been busy with—”
“With your fucking job. I’ve noticed.”
“Hey.” Wonwoo straightened up, suddenly defensive. “You know that’s not my choice.”
Soonyoung crossed his arms. He had rehearsed this conversation in his head so many times, how he would pour out on Wonwoo all the past years’ frustration, the unfairness of their situation. And now that the moment had come the words felt tangled, too big to get out.
“Isn’t it? Because it’s like I’ve been living alone since you got hired. You’re never here, and when you are you’re so exhausted I don’t even dare to make a sound and—I’m tired, Wonwoo. I don’t want to live with someone who comes home only to sleep.”
The furrow between Wonwoo’s brow deepened further, the smallest flick of hurt crossing his face.
“I told you it would be just a matter of time, Soonyoung. I had to pay my dues at work for a couple of years and then things would settle down.”
“You really think so?” Soonyoung shook his head, incredulous at what he was hearing. “It’s been nearly two years, Wonwoo. And it’s always one more project, one last presentation. You finish one thing and something else shows up, more important and more time consuming and that will bring you closer to this phantomatic promotion! It’s an endless cycle, and you know it.”
“I’m not doing it because I have fun! I’m doing all this for us, to get a better pay and to—”
“I didn’t ask you to do this!” Soonyoung shot back, raising his voice. “I didn’t ask for any of this! I just… I just wanted to live with you!”
“And then how would we pay our bills?” Wonwoo scoffed, his expression hardening. “I know I’ve been busy, but what do you want me to do? Quit my job? Spend all day at home with you?”
“Don’t be an idiot.” Soonyoung interrupted, his tone sharper than he intended. “I see how hard you’re working, and it breaks my heart to see you so exhausted all the time. But there has to be some middle ground, reasonable people would find one—”
“You’ve never stepped into an office once in your life, don’t talk about things you don’t know.”
Wonwoo’s sharp voice made him unwillingly flinch. Not out of fear but because of the novelty of it, because Wonwoo was always soft spoken, even when he was upset. Soonyoung always found it both endearing and unnerving, but maybe a part of him was craving for something like this to happen.
Soonyoung’s reaction made Wonwoo still though, as if suddenly realizing something. He averted Soonyoung’s eyes to stare at the floor for a long moment, drawing a breath out, and when he lifted his face again his expression was schooled back into neutrality, his shoulders relaxed. His hands, though, were still shaking.
“I see,” Wonwoo said, voice monotone. “You finally got your big break so… that’s it, you don’t need me anymore.”
Soonyoung’s head snapped up, and any tiny bit of guilt he might have felt about all this went away in a flash of anger.
“You can't really think that I—” his voice choked off, and Wonwoo looked away. Either out of guilt for having been so mean, or because he really thought Soonyoung was that kind of person and couldn’t bear to look at him any longer. “How can you imply that I was with you only because I needed your money? Do you even hear yourself?”
Wonwoo shrugged. “You tell me what I’m supposed to think, then. You said you’ve been so miserable living with me, and yet you decided to leave only when you got the job you wanted. I guess…” he had to stop for a second to press his lips together in a thin line to stop them from trembling. His jaw tightened, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed hard. “What I’m getting is that I’m a terrible partner, and now I’m not even useful anymore.”
Soonyoung’s hands clenched into fists at his sides. White anger was running through his veins, and at the same time he felt like watching an avalanche quickly approaching. Knowing what was going to happen, and that he wouldn’t ever be able to avoid it.
This was what looking at this Wonwoo felt like. The tremors he couldn’t fully control, the eyes shining with something that looked atrociously like tears. Soonyoung had never seen him like this and he hated it. He hated being the cause of it and he hated that Wonwoo had the audacity to look at him like that when he’d spent months being like a ghost.
How dare he act like he cared now, after so much distance? How dare he react as though Soonyoung was breaking his heart when he had already done that, piece by piece, every time he chose work over them? Every evening spent alone because Wonwoo couldn’t leave the office at a decent time for once, every dinner gotten cold and stored in the fridge for Soonyoung to eat the day after, every cancelled plan, every weekend spent alone because Wonwoo was either sleeping or working some more.
Wonwoo didn’t have any right to play the victim.
And yet, Soonyoung also hated that the sight of such a raw Wonwoo was cutting through him in a way he wasn’t prepared for. He wanted to scream at him, pull him into a hug. Comfort him and shove him away.
It was overwhelming and so, so unfair.
“You’re so full of bullshit,” he said through gritted teeth. “I already had my big break after graduation and gave it up for you , so don’t you fucking dare talking like you know everything.”
Wonwoo blinked, caught off guard.
“What are you talking about?”
Soonyoung sighed, a fraction of his anger leaving him. Wonwoo wasn’t supposed to ever know anything about this, but Soonyoung’s hot head got the best of him and now he had to deal with this on top of everything.
“That… that YG internship.”
“You said they didn’t accept your application.”
“Well, they did. I turned them down because I would’ve had to live in New York for a whole year and I– We had just started living together, and I didn't want to leave you. You were more important, our relationship was more important.”
But you clearly didn’t feel the same, Soonyoung thought without saying it out loud, because Wonwoo was bracing himself on the kitchen counter, processing his words while his expression got more and more shocked.
“What the hell, Soonyoung? You can’t– How could you make a decision like that without telling me and then blame me for it?” His eyes were narrowed, a little crazed, and his voice was coming out strangled and high-pitched. Soonyoung didn’t know if he looked more angry or desperate. “How was I supposed to know what you were going through if you didn’t tell me? We could have found a way to make it work! We could’ve—”
“I know!” Soonyoung gritted out. He spent the past year and a half regretting his decision and obsessing over every possible alternative. “I know that, now, but my point still stands: I chose you, and you chose your job.”
“No,” Wonwoo rebutted sharply. “You lied to me, the person you said you chose because you cared so much. And all this time I’ve been working my ass off so that you didn’t have to worry about anything, so that you could take your time to find your way because your dream was my dream, and I…” Wonwoo sucked in a sharp breath, and Soonyoung had to sit through the gut-wrenching experience of seeing his dear, gorgeous eyes rapidly filling with tears. “I only wanted you to be happy. I’ve been killing myself at work just for that while you… you’ve been resenting me all this time and I didn’t even know about it.”
“Wonwoo-yah, that’s not the point.” Soonyoung had started crying at some point, and tears were rolling freely down his cheeks. “I didn’t want you to do all that, I only wanted to be with you. What’s the point in working so hard for a hypothetical future when you can’t enjoy the present?”
Wonwoo was shaking his head with a bitter smile.
“A future? How can you lie about such an important thing to a person you want to share your future with? What could we possibly build together, if you don't trust me enough to consult me on these things? You preferred to give up your career rather than talking to me and trying to find a solution together. You preferred… lying to me for all this time, making a fool out of me. As if… as if I couldn’t take the truth.”
Soonyoung’s throat was clenched so tight he was starting to have trouble breathing. There was an intense burn in the back of it, a sob bubbling within him that he was fighting to repress. The incessant stream of tears on his face was enough, he wouldn’t break down to that point. Not while they were breaking up, not when Wonwoo was shattering in his own way.
“Wonwoo-yah…”
“When are you leaving?”
Soonyoung flinched at the harshness of the question. He always liked how deep Wonwoo’s voice could get, but never really thought about how much colder that quality could make it sound. He never had to. Wonwoo had always been nothing but soft and indulging with him since they met in ninth grade.
“Tomorrow night.”
Wonwoo let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “Right. Of course.”
A single tear escaped from Wonwoo’s lashes, and he immediately wiped it away with a harsh movement of his hand, nearly slapping his cheek. “Fuck it. Fuck everything,” he muttered, sharply turning to face the stove.
He left Soonyoung standing there, unsure on what to do and what to feel. Staring at the bumps of Wonwoo’s spine, his head hung low, his hands on the counter balled up into tight fists. Hearing the heartbreaking sound of his quiet sniffs.
Soonyoung didn’t have any regrets. Nor about his decision of leaving, nor about the words he spoke to Wonwoo. He meant every single one of them.
But he had loved Wonwoo for more than half of his life, he still loved him, and it was hard looking at him now and seeing not that put-together man Wonwoo had become, but just a lost boy, so similar to the one Soonyoung fell in love with so many years ago. Wonwoo who never cried, and that was now crying because of Soonyoung.
Soonyoung didn’t have any regrets, but that didn’t mean he was happy about any of this.
“Won—”
“I’m going to look for a new apartment as soon as you leave, so decide what to do with your stuff,” Wonwoo interrupted him, the coldness of his tone diminished by how hoarse and watery his voice sounded.
“What? But…”
It made sense to move out of a shared apartment after a break up, but Soonyoung didn’t think Wonwoo would want to. It would be difficult to find another place so close to his office and within his means, so Wonwoo would end up spending hours commuting every day, getting home later and leaving it earlier, sleeping less and less and with no one to take care of him now, for what little Soonyoung did.
“Moving now would be a problem for you,” he tried, with little hope. “I can keep paying rent, it’s not…”
“Soonyoung.” This time, there was nothing other than ice in Wonwoo’s voice. “You want out of this? Then get the fuck out.”
And just like that, the avalanche hit, burying everything under its weight.