Chapter Text
---
Using a bowl of noodles
to boil away sorrows and warm the heart.
Again, remembering him,
consider it a snack after a meal.
Don't be too pessimistic;
sooner or later, you'll get used to it.
Those left behind have
no choice but to carry this burden.
So, I'll let go of my past with a
good night.
---
Xiao Zhan lay in bed, staring at the door while shifting restlessly in the sheets. It was getting a little later than usual today; in fact, he was having trouble keeping his eyes open and Yibo still hadn't arrived.
While he waited, trying to read a book, Xuan Lu's voice kept tormenting him. The same words kept repeating in his head, insistently. This made his attempts to concentrate fruitless.
He hadn't wanted to tell her anything, but she was too perceptive, as well as stubborn.
During the filming of one of Chen Qing Ling's scenes, Zhuocheng and Xuan Lu were murmuring between them while giving each other unsubtle looks. They had both noticed, and when Yibo had pointed it out, Xiao Zhan had acted dumb, downplaying it, but he knew exactly what they were chattering about: they thought Xiao Zhan and Yibo were as in love as their fictional characters.
Perhaps because Xiao Zhan was such a kind and approachable person, the two actors playing his stepbrothers had decided to approach him and ambush him. They were fed up with the sexual tension between the two leads and believed that if they didn't give them a push, they'd never get anything done.
And that was how they discovered that, just as they suspected, Xiao Zhan was in love. For a long time, it seemed. They had only needed to see the intense blush that had spread across his cheeks as soon as Xuan Lu had bluntly asked him how he felt about Wang Yibo. It had been useless to deny it; his reaction had been too revealing.
Xiao Zhan didn't know at what exact point he'd ended up feeling this way about the other boy. One day, he'd begun to realize that his feelings had changed. He wasn't entirely sure how it happened; he'd simply noticed how his heart raced whenever he was around him, how his breathing became shallow, and how his palms grew sweaty, though he always pretended it was because of the muggy atmosphere. Unable to help it, his eyes would involuntarily focus on Yibo's full lips, and his body would heat up whenever Yibo smiled at him or paid him some stupid compliment, whether joking or serious.
"A-Zhan, you have to tell him," Xuan Lu had said sweetly, grabbing his arm, but he wasn't convinced at all.
"You're always together, teasing each other and fooling around. Pushing here, hitting there. Have you seen the rest of us in the cast behave like this? This flirting you two have isn't normal, Xiao Zhan," Zhuocheng added. "The little smiles and glances you throw at each other..."
“That’s true! I still remember when Ji Li told me that, while you were preparing for a scene, Yibo joked with you by telling you to sleep with him,” Xuan Lu commented, waving his hands. “That’s not something people just say. Ji Li was quite astonished."
“Don’t insist,” Xiao Zhan had replied, looking away with an awkward smile. “Yibo is mischievous and likes to tease me. And I just play along. But that doesn’t mean anything.”
“You think so? Come on, A-Zhan!” Xuan Lu had retorted, tapping him on the shoulder. “Don’t you remember how he acted the other day when Yu Bin got too close to you? He pulled a long face..."
Xiao Zhan shrugged without replying, though he had to admit that Yibo had indeed been more serious than usual that time, and it wasn't until he'd started teasing and playing with him that he'd gotten over his sulk.
"Lu-lu's right!" Zhuocheng had added. "I was really jealous. Don't you dare deny it! And this isn't the first time. When I approach you, he frowns and glares at me."
"And what about that day he grabbed your arms and wouldn't let go? We all thought he was going to push you against a tree to kiss you!" the girl exclaimed, excited.
Xiao Zhan remembered that moment perfectly. Yibo had been quite rough, and he'd felt a little embarrassed, since everyone was watching them, the cameras were rolling, and Yibo wouldn't let go no matter how hard he struggled. It had turned out to be a rather violent situation, although his friend seemed oblivious to the image they were conveying with this little game, which seemed anything but innocent.
"You have to tell him. The days are passing, filming will end in a couple of months, and then what will you do? Will you text him on WeChat? Will you send him kitten memes and ask him if he's very busy? By then, it'll be too late, Xiao Zhan."
"Actually, I really like him," he had finally confessed, looking down at the floor, smiling shyly as he intertwined his fingers.
"That's exactly why. You have to tell him, A-Zhan!" Xuan Lu exclaimed, hugging him affectionately.
You have to tell him.
You have to tell him.
That phrase kept repeating itself in Xiao Zhan's head. Like a hammer relentlessly hitting a nail. If he didn't manage to silence that voice soon, he would end up going crazy.
"Zhan-ge!" Yibo then exclaimed, startling him.
Despite being so suddenly brought back to reality, the boy was glad to see his friend there at last. He looked toward the door, where Yibo's face was peeking out, a faint smile that looked a little forced on his lips. When they looked at each other, Yibo came in and closed the door. He apologized for being so late and sat on the edge of the bed.
They used to meet every night to rehearse their scenes. When they finished, if it wasn't too late, they would put on a movie on Xiao Zhan's laptop or watch music videos until bedtime. Practicing their lines together helped them to memorize them and get more into character. Besides, Yibo didn't like being alone in his room and appreciated spending those late-night hours with his co-star, so it was a date he never missed.
"What about your script?" Xiao Zhan asked when he saw his hands were empty. Yibo looked surprised and stared at him, biting his lower lip.
"What if we watch a movie today? We can rehearse tomorrow," he said with a shrug. "The perfect and skilled Zhan-ge doesn't need to practice being on top of his game."
"Don't start," Xiao Zhan replied, sitting up slightly to punch him in the shoulder and pick up the laptop he'd left on the nightstand. "Come here."
Yibo crawled through the bed until he was sitting next to his friend so he could see the computer screen. He then pulled the sheets over his legs, since he'd come here wearing shorts and Xiao Zhan usually had the air conditioning on full blast, since he was very heat sensitive.
"Apart from your presence, what movie are you going to delight me with?" he asked, trying to sound cheerful.
"I'll tell you, if you tell me what's going on with you," Xiao Zhan replied, turning to look at him. He wasn't stupid and had been interacting with Yibo for more than two months, almost twenty-four hours a day, so he could say that by now he knew him quite well and sensed that he was hiding something.
Yibo looked away, and his forced smile disappeared. He stared at his hands for a while, uncertain. Xiao Zhan stayed silent, giving him the space he needed and resisting the urge to raise an eyebrow, wondering what could have happened to the guy. At least all of this made him temporarily forget about the conversation he'd had with Xuan Lu and Zhuocheng.
"The truth is, it's a stupid thing," he said, looking up. Xiao Zhan waited patiently. "It's my agency. They're always giving me ridiculous instructions about how to behave or what to do. Apparently, there are rumors going around because of the photos taken of us when we went out for dinner the other day. And you know, I've already been linked to one of my UNIQ members before. They're always on about that nonsense... The thing is, my assistant thinks it would be good, both to silence those rumors and boost my career as an actor, for me to get closer to Meng Ziyi. You know… At least until A-Ling is released. After that, I'd have to promote the series with you, but in the meantime... She's worked in several well-known films and would make my name more known in the industry, besides diverting attention from the current rumors."
"What do you mean by getting closer?" Xiao Zhan asked, trying to ignore the sting in his chest when he heard that.
"To pretend we’re in a relationship. Obvious," Yibo clarified, bluntly. "The worst part is that she knows, and I don’t think she really wants to 'pretend.' I came here late because of her... She wanted us to 'get to know each other better,' but I kept making excuses, and here I am," he said, shrugging.
"And what do you think about all this?" Xiao Zhan asked, trying to swallow the vinegar that rose in his throat at the thought of Yibo "getting to know" the actress better.
"That I’d rather wait until A-Ling comes out to promote it with the amazing Zhan-ge. That’s sure to increase my value, not pretending to be in a relationship with an actress who has only done three movies."
Xiao Zhan nudged him playfully while putting the laptop back on the table. Yibo preferred promoting A-Ling with him over pretending to be with Meng Ziyi? Maybe Xuan Lu and Zhuocheng were right? Was the flirting he was doing with him more than it seemed?
"Doesn’t it bother you that people might think you’re gay for promoting A-Ling with me?" Xiao Zhan then asked, testing the waters.
"I'm shooting a BL series, and the other day I even complained because there wasn’t a single scene where we hugged. Do you really think I care what people think?" Yibo replied, raising his eyebrows and giving him a mischievous smile.
And there it was again. The flirting. The more direct-than-subtle hints. It reminded him of one of the scenes they shot a few days ago. That tense moment when Yibo had come out of the water, half-naked and wet, approaching him without any shame. Xiao Zhan had to look away and pretend that Yibo wasn't there. This was full of cameras, for God’s sake! What was he trying to do? Was he testing him? Was he teasing him to see how he'd react? Maybe like now? Was he waiting for Xiao Zhan to make a move while flirting with him? Perhaps now was the time to do something.
You have to tell him.
Xiao Zhan stared at Yibo, remembering what Xuan Lu had said. He couldn't let the days go by. They had already been filming for almost three months, and there was no time left. If he let time pass, in the end, they'd have to say goodbye, go their separate ways, and Xiao Zhan would lose his chance forever. When their gazes met, his heart started to race in his chest.
You have to tell him.
"Lao-Wang, I..." he started, uncertain, but also determined to continue.
Yibo looked at him with his head tilted, imagining that Xiao Zhan just wanted to be understanding. To downplay the matter, he nudged him with his shoulder while smiling at him, this time genuinely. The other boy smiled back, but instead of hitting him as Yibo expected, Xiao Zhan moved closer to him until their lips met.
Yibo's smile disappeared as Xiao Zhan kissed him awkwardly. Yibo stayed still for a few seconds while Xiao Zhan moved his lips over his. Then, the younger boy placed a hand on Xiao Zhan’s chest and gently pushed him back. Xiao Zhan got the hint and pulled away, blushing. He didn't look up and stayed still, not really knowing what to do.
"Zhan-ge... I..." Yibo whispered when he came out of his daze, moving away slightly.
"I... I’m sorry," Xiao Zhan apologized, smiling shyly, his eyes fixed on anything except his friend's face. What had just happened? He felt so confused. Was Yibo rejecting him?
"You don't have to apologize, but..." Yibo said, falling silent for a few seconds. Then, he took a deep breath and said it without hesitation, "I don’t see you that way."
I don’t see you that way.
Yibo’s words replaced Xuan Lu's, repeating in his head endlessly. He felt his heart shatter. His mind was filled with a whirlpool of confused feelings. Fear. Pain. Anxiety. Uncertainty. Yibo didn’t see him the same way? Then, he had messed up big time. What was he going to do now? How could he look him in the eye again? He had just tried to kiss him. What the hell had he done?
"Zhan-ge, it’s okay..." Yibo said in a remorseful voice, trying to calm Xiao Zhan, who seemed quite anxious about what had just happened. "Nothing’s going to change between us... I promise."
Xiao Zhan shook his head. What Yibo was telling him were just empty words, without the slightest meaning. How could nothing change between them? Was he even thinking about what he was saying?
"It changes everything," Xiao Zhan’s broken voice said. He looked at his clenched fists resting in his lap, not feeling in the right mood to look up. "I think it’s better if you leave."
Yibo hadn’t a good day, and all he wanted was to relax and rest next to his friend, but it seemed everything had turned for the worse. How had they ended up in this situation? He sighed, tired, not knowing what to do. He never expected an outcome like this, and the tough training he had gone through to become an idol had prepared him for all sorts of scenarios, but not something like this.
"Xiao Zhan..." he said awkwardly, putting a hand on his shoulder. His friend roughly pushed him off so he would move.
"Go, Yibo..." he replied, "Please."
Yibo hesitated for a moment, not sure what to do, but after thinking for a few seconds, he decided that it was probably for the best. Xiao Zhan surely wouldn’t feel comfortable if he stayed after what had just happened. So, he slowly got out of bed and walked toward the door.
"I guess tomorrow is another day. Goodnight," he said before closing the door, not waiting for a response.
"Goodnight," Xiao Zhan whispered to the empty room, wondering what he was going to do now.
Then, he lay down on the bed, turned off the light, and stared at the ceiling, knowing that sleeping wasn’t going to be an easy task after what had just happened.
"What have I done?" he whispered, bringing his hands to his face.