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Lu Guang let the bright summer sun warm his face, the tall bamboo leaving dappled and long shadows across the floor. The early morning sun was soft and glowy, not yet blazing and drying out everything that the rays touched. His eyes softened as he lowered his gaze and looked around at his surroundings. Everything seemed peaceful on patrol, and he breathed in deeply the scents of foliage and sunshine.
The sun rose higher in the sky as time slowly trickled by. The knight loosely held his spear as he shielded his eyes from the blinding rays. His shift was almost over and he was excited to get back home before the scorching afternoon. A distant shout caught his attention and he turned towards the general direction of where the shout came from.
Suddenly, through the dense foliage, a man with a wild, terrified look in his eyes ran out. Seeing the spear in Lu Guangs hands, he threw himself behind the guard as a tiger followed him out. The beast was huge, easily one of the biggest tigers Lu Guang had ever seen. A beautiful red pelt with beady orange eyes. He could hear the man panting and letting out small whimpers as he tried to catch his breath. Lu Guang stood his ground against the tiger, spear pointed straight between the big cat's eyes. The tiger came to a slow stop and stared, blue and amber eyes meeting and neither backing down. The tiger hesitated for a moment, but eventually seemed to decide it wasn’t worth it. He turned and slinked away, disappearing into the forest once more. Gone as fast as he had arrived.
“Oh man, thank you so much..” the traveler gasped from behind Lu Guang. “I probably would’ve died without you,” He finished. Lu Guang turned to see a tall man, roughly 5 centimeters taller than him. He had silky black hair in a half-up half-down style, and wore simple clothes. His eyes looked dark, but when he turned to look the way the tiger had gone, he noticed a gold glint to them, not too different from what he had seen in the tigers eyes. The only thing the traveler had with him was a backpack that had spilled all of its contents when he fell, which Lu Guang helped pick up as he admired inspected the man.
“No problem,” he replied impassively as he handed the contents of the bag to the man, which turned out to just be what looked like pictures or drawings as well as some food. The traveler took them gratefully before introducing himself.
“Uhm.. hi! My name is Cheng Xiaoshi” He grinned cheekily as Lu Guang felt a pang in his chest. That name sounds so familiar for some reason.. He brushed his thoughts off as he motioned for Cheng Xiaoshi to follow him into the village, choosing to not introduce himself to the stranger. Many villagers greeted him, questioning him about his new companion but he ignored them all.
“Ah! Lu Guang!” a new voice piped up, “Did you pick up a stray dog while on patrol?”
The snowy haired man sighed and glanced at the owner of the voice, internally preparing himself to deal with her endless energy. The voice belonged to Qiao Lin, the daughter of the innkeeper. She wore her dark hair short and loose, and her dark eyes were big and round, but held a fierce look in them. She was much shorter than the two men, but her confidence was overwhelming. Cheng Xiaoshi looked down at the girl and immediately retorted. “Hey, I don’t know who you think you are, but I am not a dog,” his voice held both a playful and slightly annoyed tone as he continued, “You should be more respectful of your elders you midget. You’re so short I could easily stuff you into my backpack.”
The girl didn’t miss a beat, immediately returning the banter, “First of all, just because I’m shorter than you doesn’t automatically make me younger! And secondly, I’m the daughter of the inn owner.” She hissed, jabbing a finger at the traveler, her height complex becoming evident. “The inn that you’ll be staying in if you stay in this village, that is, if you immediately apologize for calling me a midget. Otherwise, you might as well leave as I doubt any villagers would be willing to provide you, a complete stranger, with shelter for the night.” She smiled contentedly, clearly expecting him to back down as Cheng Xiaoshi made an angry sound in the back of his throat. Lu Guang watched the two of them argue before quietly jumping in.
“Uhm, I suppose he can stay with me if you won’t allow him to stay in your fathers inn. I don’t mind, and since I brought him here I guess I should take responsibility, right?”
“Really!?” Qiao Lin and Cheng Xiaoshi said in unison. She looked absolutely pissed, seething with anger, “and why would you allow that?! I’ve known you long enough to know you won’t go out of your way to help others. Besides, this man is probably worthless too! You wouldn’t gain anything by helping him! So why..?”
The “worthless” man grinned sheepishly at Lu Guang, thankful he had jumped in. The knight shrugged, not knowing the answer to Qiao Lin's question himself. He quickly left, leading Cheng Xiaoshi deeper into the village and leaving a bewildered Qiao Lin behind him.
‡▫◎▫‡
“Y’know, I really appreciate what you're doing for me,” Cheng Xiaoshi smiled gently as he turned to face his savior.
The two were now in the knight's humble home. It was divided into three sections, a kitchen/ living area, a bathroom, and a bedroom. The house was rather bare and the furnishing was sparse, but it reflected his personality perfectly. The knight had cooked a quick dinner and time flew by as the two talked. They were now setting up Cheng Xiaoshis bed on his bedroom floor as candles flickered in the windows.
“I’ve been dealing with Qiao Lin-jie for awhile now, she’s stubborn but she’s not a bad person. You guys could try to get along. She’s rather influential here and getting on her good side isn’t a bad idea while you stay here.” Lu Guang sighed, exhausted as he finished pulling extra blankets and sheets from his closet for Cheng Xiaoshi to use. “Here, you can use these while you stay here.” He tossed the items to the traveler before flopping on a chair.
Cheng Xiaoshi grabbed the blankets and finished making his bed before glancing at the other man. “Well, yeah, that, but I also meant letting me stay here with you. Thanks.”
Lu Guang paused, his head resting on the back of the chair as he stared up at the ceiling. “Yeah, of course,” he replied awkwardly. He sat up straight after a few moments and coughed, “Well, I need to return to my duties tomorrow, I have early patrol again but I should be back before noon. I’ll take you around the village then, how does that sound?”
Cheng Xiaoshi seemed to brighten with excitement and he nodded eagerly, eyes shining.
“Until then, I don’t really have much you can do while waiting… I guess you could read one of my books, over there on the bookshelf,” he gestured with his hand, “or draw, since you seem to like that.”
The man nodded again, as he glanced over the titles he could see from his spot on the makeshift bed. “Uhm, Lu Guang? All your books are about ‘Zen’ and ‘Spirituality’, is that really all you have?”
“Mm.. all the books I own are out so if you don’t see anything else, then yea that’s all I have. You have a problem with that?” He raised an eyebrow at his guest, looking at the slightly flustered man.
“N-nope! Not at all!” The black haired man chuckled awkwardly and went to lay down, deciding against reading. He sighed and closed his eyes against the bright lights above him, exhausted from all that had happened. He felt sleep tug at his eyes, Lu Guang mentioned something about the library but he couldn’t hear, his mind already halfway to dream land.
Lu Guang sighed, staring at the stranger on his floor. He really didn’t understand why he had decided to help him, but it just felt right. Them being together felt like fate, like the universe was pushing them towards each other. He got up out of his chair and pulled the blankets over the traveler's battered body before getting into bed himself. “Just what am I going to do with you?” he mumbled before falling asleep.
‡▫◉▫‡
Days passed and Cheng Xiaoshi grew more accustomed to the village and its people. While him and Qiao Lin still fought like cats and dogs, it was more friendly jabs rather than hateful. The two of them had grown close quickly thanks to the friendship she shared with Lu Guang, and the three spent a lot of time together. As Cheng Xiaoshi was Lu Guangs ward, the knight was given a week or two of paid time off to look after him, and they often spent their days visiting different shops and stopping, more than once, by the library so the traveler wouldn’t be bored when the knight returned to his duties.
Their nightly routine became natural as well. They would get home, Lu Guang would make dinner, they would eat together, and the knight would take a shower first. After the two men had gotten into bed, they would talk until one of them fell asleep. Then, rinse and repeat.
Sometimes, Lu Guang would wake up to hear sniffles and soft whimpers coming from where Cheng Xiaoshi slept. He tended to just roll over and fall back asleep, deciding to give Xiaoshi time to come to him first.
A day became a few days, a few days became a week, soon, the traveler had been staying in the village for close to a month. He had befriended all the residents and knights, and would even receive gifts from girls. He would watch as Lu Guang let out a small tsk and turn away.
Awww, is he jealous that I receive more gifts than him? How cute!!
He smiled politely at the girl and accepted the offering, a small beaded bracelet, before chasing after his friend. “Lu Guang, wait up!”
Then it came, the thunderous night that had kept the two men awake long after they usually went to bed. They had said good night much earlier, but unbeknownst to the two of them, they were both still wide awake. Again, the soft sobs and whimpers started as rain hit the roof in a constant thrum. Lu Guang could barely hear Xiaoshi’s cries, but it was still evident by the shaking in his shoulders.
“…Xiaoshi?” he murmured, leaning over the bed to see a startled and teary eyed man looking back at him.
“Ngh…” The traveler quickly wiped at his tears, hiding his face behind his hands as he responded in a shaky voice. “What's wrong? Do you need something?”
Lu Guang scooted back in his bed until he felt his back hit the wall before lifting the covers invitingly. Cheng Xiaoshi hesitated for a moment before crawling into the bed and curling up into a tight ball as the knight pulled him closer and wrapped an arm around him. He tensed at the sudden touch, but relaxed as he was pulled into a hug, his face buried into Lu Guang’s shirt as he started to cry again. Eventually the sobs died down and an exhausted Cheng Xiaoshi peeked up at Lu Guang from under his wet eyelashes. “Are you not gonna ask why?” he mumbled half heartedly.
The other man shook his head gently, “Not if you’re not ready to tell me.” He assured, pulling him closer and wrapping his arms tightly around him. He felt Xiaoshi wriggle his arm underneath his body and return the hug. His tear stained shirt clung to his skin as Cheng Xiaoshi adjusted himself to be more comfortable. Lu Guang rested his head on top of the other man. The scent of wildflowers and shampoo filled his nose as he wrapped around him. The two fell asleep to the sound of thunder above them.
Xiaoshi never said a word about why he ever cried. Why he would spend hours staring out the window as he waited for Lu Guang to get home. He bottled up his thoughts and tucked them safely away into the corner of his heart.
Slowly, sleeping together became a more common occurrence. Lu Guang inviting Xiaoshi into his bed, the two of them holding onto each other as they fell asleep, cuddling until the morning. Lu Guang often woke up earlier and would slip away and make the two of them breakfast before leaving for his shift. By the time he got home, Xiaoshi would be awake and drawing or reading and the two would then either spend the day talking or walking around town with Qiao Lin. Long summer days soon shifted to shorter, cooler days as fall seemed to become more and more apparent with the changing of leaves.
“Hey, Xiaoshi, wake up!”
The bleary eyed man woke up to Lu Guang shaking him as he shoved clothes into his hands, “Hm? Why are you waking me up so early… it’s still dark outside of heaven’s sake!” The sharp look the knight gave him was enough to shut him up and quietly follow him outside. The two of them trekked out of the village and into the forest. Xiaoshi looked around nervously, bamboo was the only thing he could see other than his companion who walked confidently. He had to jog to keep up, even with his longer legs. “Hey, Guang-guang, where are we going? It’s scary out here and I can’t see. What if a tiger leaps out at us?!”
“Just follow me and be quiet, we’re almost there. Be careful not to trip.” Cheng Xiaoshi stared helplessly at the knight's back but he still continued to follow him. He felt himself bump into the man as he came to a sudden stop. “We’re here.” Xiaoshi looked out beyond Lu Guangs head, and felt his heart speed up.
The most gorgeous view greeted him. They were on the edge of a cliff and below, he could see water and trees. The world stretched out before him, never-ending. Birds flew above the forest floor as squirrels squeaked and ran around. The trees were tall and full of red, orange, and yellow leaves. It was the perfect moment. Leaves all different colors but most hadn’t started to fall yet. The sky had a dark purple look to it, but in the distant horizon, Xiaoshi could see a sliver of red. It was beautiful. It made him feel free, like if he stepped off the cliff he would fly instead of fall.
He turned to stare at Lu Guang. “Did you… bring me here to show me this?”
A small smile was on his face as he stared back, “well?” he asked expectantly, “do you like it-” he let out a surprised yelp as Xiaoshi grabbed him and pulled him into a tight hug.
“I love it, I… love you,” he mumbled breathlessly, squeezing the knight so tight it was hard to breathe.
Lu Guang froze under Cheng Xiaoshis embrace, his face warming and pulse quickening, “W-what? What did you say?”
“You know exactly what I said.” Xiaoshi pulled away to look at Lu Guang with sheepish, embarrassed eyes, “I really, really like you. Do you… not feel the same?”
Lu Guang rushed to answer, “No! I mean yes! I do! I really… like you as well!” His face was flushed red and he looked away and covered his face with his hand, embarrassed.
Xiaoshi’s eyes lit up and the knight could almost see dog ears and a tail wagging out of excitement, “you mean it?! You can’t take it back ok?” He smiled brightly and grabbed his hand, pulling him to the edge of the cliff and making him sit. He quickly sat down himself and snuggled up to the knight, resting his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes. Lu Guang blushed as he wrapped his arm around the other man, pulling him closer as the sun slowly made its way into the sky.
This wasn’t so bad. Living like this wouldn’t be so bad after all, right? He had a reason to stay in the village, to live a normal life like his parents wanted. The village wasn’t so bad, and he had a reason to return home. In fact, he finally had a place to call home.
‡▫◎▫‡
Lu Guang awoke, sweat dripping from his forehead as he was ripped out of his nightmare. His mouth was dry as he recalled the feeling of his boyfriend's cold body in his arms. “Xiaoshi…” he mumbled, stretching as he sat up, and reaching for the traveler's familiar warmth beside him.
“Woah there, you ok darling? You’re looking awfully pale.”
Lu Guang met his boyfriends beautiful golden eyes. His pale and sweaty face seemed to regain life. He felt every worry in the world disappear in that instance. He stared at his boyfriend before lowering his gaze to his shaking hands. He felt himself get pulled into a hug and reached up to hug him back as Cheng Xiaoshi quietly comforted him.
“I’m fine…” the white haired man mumbled into Xiaoshi’s shoulder. “Just a nightmare…”
The two had begun sharing the bed ever since the confession and the knight often only went to bed after Xiaoshis many kisses and cuddling. It was nice in a way, to get doted on and to feel so loved, all this affection coming from one man.
He pulled him in even closer, cuddling his head to his chest. “It’s ok, everythings ok. Darling you’re going to be fine, we’re going to be fine together!” Lu Guang sighed, finally pulling away from the hug and rubbed at his eyes. Cheng Xiaoshi smiled and got up as well. “You want me to make breakfast today? You have the day off right?”
Lu Guang shook his head, “it’s fine, don’t worry about it, I’ll get up and make something now.”
The black haired man helped him up and the two got dressed before making their way into the kitchen. He went to start cooking as the two started talking about what they wanted to do on Lu Guangs rare day off. “Let’s go explore the bamboo forest,” the traveler suggested, “it’s been awhile since I left the village and spring is right around the corner. Can you believe it? Almost a year since I first arrived!”
The other man nodded in agreement. “When you first arrived, I thought you’d be gone within a few weeks. A month at most. You seemed like such a free spirit I figured you traveled because sticking to one place was boring for you” he chuckled, flipping an egg as he made food. “Here,” he placed a plate full of food in front of Xiaoshi with a smile before turning away again.
“Yeah… I thought I’d leave pretty soon as well, especially after that initial meeting with Qiao Lin! I’m not sure why I decided to stay, but I’m glad I did, otherwise I wouldn’t be with you~”
Lu Guang glared at him, ears red as he sighed. “Me too…” he muttered under his breath, knowing Cheng Xiaoshi couldn’t hear him.
The day passed quickly, they eventually decided to take a walk around the village and go shopping. More than once, the knight found his companion staring at the faraway mountain peaks and bamboo peeking up over the walls and buildings. He brushed it off as a sort of reminisce about the life he lived before he arrived here. The conversation they had probably just reminded him of his past adventures, nothing more.
That night, Xiaoshi went to sleep exhausted. He never whined for more kisses and cuddling like he usually did. In fact, Lu Guang was surprised to realize Xiaoshi never asked for anything that night. “He’s just tired, we spent a ton of time walking today. I’m tired too and he probably doesn’t want to bother me since I have double shifts tomorrow.”
More months passed and Xiaoshi seemed to be growing distant. Spring flowers withered under intense summer sun, bright green leaves crackled as they grew brown and brittle in the autumn wind. Soon winter was upon them once more.
Lu Guang had noticed changes in his boyfriend's behavior. Acting less affectionate, the distance between them increasing every day. He never said anything, scared of scaring the traveler away, scared that he was just overthinking.
Xiaoshi on the other hand found himself wistfully thinking about his previous life. Being untethered, nothing to keep him in one place for so long. He could go wherever he wanted, break whatever rules he so chose to break. He wanted to see the world, to see everything one could ever see in a lifetime. He wanted Lu Guang as well, he loved him for sure, but he didn’t want to mess with the knight's life. A life spent entirely in the village, but he seemed content. He didn’t seem to feel the need to see and experience everything the world had to offer. Cheng Xiaoshi was torn between his need to be free and his first love whom he knew he would regret not staying with. He kept his internal conflict a secret, never voicing his turmoil aloud as he tried to continue smiling brightly for Lu Guang.
This continued on until one cold winter morning.
The two had gone to bed early and Lu Guang was getting ready for his shift when he noticed Cheng Xiaoshi staring at him. “Good morning sleepy head,” he chuckled affectionately, ruffling his boyfriend's hair. “I might be back later today, the snow has made things difficult for the villagers and I’m supposed to help them. I’ll make something yummy to eat when I get back ok?”
Cheng Xiaoshi nodded and hugged the knight tightly, “I love you,” he murmured into his ear, “be safe ok?” Lu Guang nodded obediently but didn’t say anything back. As he left, he felt a twinge of guilt for not responding earlier and turned before smiling, his blue eyes crinkling in the exact way Cheng Xiaoshi found so attractive.
“I’ll see you tonight, Cheng Xiaoshi, bye!” With that, he walked out the door and made his way into the village, oblivious to his boyfriend's expression as he watched him leave.
“I love you…” came the quiet response, the words disappearing into the howling winter winds, never quite reaching the intended recipient.
‡▫◉▫‡
Lu Guang was patrolling the streets, everything quiet and peaceful in the harsh winter wind. He couldn’t wait to get home to his love. He was the happiest he’d ever been, smiling more and giving a pleasant aura. He was less stoic, less cold and unfeeling. He had let someone into his life, someone so, so important to him that he didn’t know how he ever lived without him. He smiled contentedly as he recounted his boyfriends touch that morning. The way he was pulled into an embrace so warm and soft and soothing. He loved Cheng Xiaoshi, he was sure of it. He loved Cheng Xiaoshi unlike anyone he had ever met before. He adored Cheng Xiaoshi. He was addicted to Cheng Xiaoshi. His bright smiles. His stubborn and cheeky personality. His determined face when faced with a hurdle or challenge. The way he was hugged by Cheng Xiaoshi. The way he was kissed by Cheng Xiaoshi. All of it felt like a drug to the knight. It got him so high, so giddy he felt like a teenage boy in love for the first time. He couldn’t help but to love the man who was a stranger just a year or two ago. And he had been acting more normal lately as well, less distant, more affectionate. It was almost like they were back when they first started dating. Life full of sunshine and rainbows.
His supervisor had asked him to stay behind and work a while longer before heading back, as one of the newbie knights was busy trying to finish some office work. He agreed, thinking nothing much of it as he watched the sun start to dip in the sky. Eventually, he was dismissed and he made his way home, excited to see his lover again. Passing by the marketplace, he noticed a pair of rings. Small triangles angled so when connected they looked like an hourglass, with small jewels in the middle. He noted that one of the jewels was an almost identical color with Xiaoshi’s eyes, and the other wasn’t that far off from his own. Feeling slightly giddy and extra happy, he bought and pocketed the two rings.
Finally reaching his home, Lu Guang pushed open the door and called out for his roommate. He put his stuff away and glanced around. An empty kitchen met his eyes and he felt a small knot of unease raise in his throat. “Cheng Xiaoshi?” he called again before poking his head into the bedroom, hoping to find the traveler taking a nap. The bed was made, neat and folded nicely just how Lu Guang liked it.
He didn’t like it right now though. His mind seemed to well up with worry as the knot in his throat grew. He rushed through the house again before noticing a small note on the kitchen table that he had missed when he arrived earlier.
Hands trembling Lu Guang picked up the note just to immediately drop it and stumble back. Eyes blurry he couldn’t see clearly, but he was sure that the note had said something about “missing the thrill of seeing new places and meeting new people.” how Cheng Xiaoshi claimed to love him more than anything. Anything but that adrenaline rush and the bright scenes that greeted his every move. The rest didn’t matter to him. Lu Guang felt all thoughts spiral as he choked back strange noises that seemed to erupt from his throat. He hesitantly grabbed the note and slipped it into his pocket before turning away, eyes burning.
Pushing out of his home he blindly stumbled through the village before shoving his way into the forest. He let his feet carry him, he could find Cheng Xiaoshi, he could fix this. If Cheng Xiaoshi felt tethered down he would go with him. If Cheng Xiaoshi was lonely he would be there. If Cheng Xiaoshi felt overstimulated or overwhelmed he would give him space. He could do anything if it was for Cheng Xiaoshi. His love, his life, his drug, his addiction, his universe. He ran forward, ignoring the branches whipping at his face and vines dragging his feet down. He would fix it. Whatever it was, he would fix it.
He tripped and fell, sprawling onto the ground, the two rings that he had bought earlier clattering as they fell from his pocket. His body wanted to keep running, but something tugged at his consciousness. “Turn around” it whispered, “turn around you fool.” He gasped for breath, staring down at the ground before slowly lifting his gaze and turning. His gaze caught on a flash of gold. The crystal that had been embedded into his lover's ring had fallen and now lay on the ground. He stared at the cracked gem that still resembled the beautiful eyes that lit up around him. Finally tearing his eyes away he let them travel to where he had tripped, to what he had tripped over.
“Cheng Xiaoshi?”
His weak voice sounded pathetic even to himself as he stared at his boyfriend laying on the mossy, forest floor with tears in his eyes.
His boyfriend, lying in a pool of his own blood.
His boyfriend, dull eyes staring straight through him.
His boyfriend, mauled body battered and beaten.
He crawled towards the body, scooping Cheng Xiaoshis head into his lap, holding him close, cradling him against his chest. His body was numb as he traced the scars and wounds left by what could only be a tiger or some other large cat. The stupid cat that had chased Cheng Xiaoshi into Lu Guangs life, and now ripped that same man from him. Words caught in his throat as he cradled the dead body in his arms. Murmuring comforting words, not knowing if they were more for the dead body or for himself. He was in agony, his soul was getting sucked from his body, his heart shattering, his bones cracking and muscles ripping himself apart from the inside. He tried to cry but he couldn’t breathe. Hunched over the same man who had brushed tears from his eyes just hours ago.
Staring into the dull eyes, he shifted his gaze to the cracked gem that still sparkled brightly in the sun's dull rays. It looked so full of life, so bright and beautiful and different from the thing it was supposed to look like. The gems that had reminded him of his beloved's eyes now seemed to mock him. So utterly different from the blank stare that greeted him when he turned back to the body in his lap.
Why, why, why? What did I do wrong? Why did you leave me? Please… I can’t live without you…
Cheng Xiaoshi, come back home, I'm begging you.
If only I had another chance.
If I had another chance I’d save you for sure.
I’d give you such an amazing life that you’d never leave me.
Cheng Xiaoshi, I’d change the past, present, and future, the fates of everyone and everything, just to see you smile at me once more.
I wish I told you that I loved you.
I wish I hugged you tighter this morning.
I wish I kissed you harder every night.
I wish I found you sooner.
I wish
I wish.